Author McGrupp Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 i think i just have to laugh at this whole thing. ive put myself so in the hole, ill never see her again. idk anymore. my soul hurts. my life hurts. shes out probably ****ign someone else. that **** rips me up inside. i lfet my house, now at work. the stereo broke so im sitting here in dead silence. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Generally, 'man-up' is how men connect with and encourage each other. Back-slapping, getting drunk, shooting animals, drowning worms (fishing)......just a few examples of how men 'deal' with emotional upheaval. It's really hard for many men to face things and verbalize their feelings to each other. So, they go 'cave' and try to process it alone. IME, going through a divorce, it's much healthier to be open and accept the support of friends and be candid with those friends. I hope the OP does reach out in the real world like he's doing here. You're not alone Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 i think i just have to laugh at this whole thing. ive put myself so in the hole, ill never see her again. idk anymore. my soul hurts. my life hurts. shes out probably ****ign someone else. that **** rips me up inside. i lfet my house, now at work. the stereo broke so im sitting here in dead silence. I have to agree with the poster who said to man up.. you need to stop this 'pity party' and get on with your life.. from what I'm reading here.. you like to dramatize things.. it could be your way of dealing with your pain... I went through pure hell, 6 years in deep depression.. and trust me.. there is light at the end of the tunnel.. you need to take care of yourself.. no one else will do it for you.. NO ONE!!! Exercise, see your doctor.. kick yourself in the butt if you have to.. Link to post Share on other sites
JL911 Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 How ya doing today bud? Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 u never thought those things about my girl. besides the cheating (1 time) its hard for me to find things i c0mpletely hate. **** im miserable. im having trouble elaving my bed right now. all i want to do is suffocate I was so determined to read your threads... I will when I can. But I can't help checking in on you. At the same time, I don't want to read the threads, I don't want to read what she did to you or you did to her.... You know, this isn't about her any longer. This is about YOU. OK? It isn't about the past. It's about now. And right now you need to find the strength to get up in the morning. You need to find the strength to make it through your day. How are YOU going to do that? And I mean all this with the utmost care and concern of my heart. Think of it this way. You are fighting for your life right now. You are no different from any one of us. You have what it takes to make it through your day. Don't lose focus on yourself, don't give up on yourself. Don't give up on all these people who know you are stronger than this. So the relationship hurts. Okay. But do you see how you've invested 100% of yourself in it? And, what, now that she's gone you are nobody? Now that it's over you'll die??? McGrupp, I'm telling you.... you don't realize what you have in life. Open your eyes. Open your heart. Breathe in the fresh air. Move your body. Be grateful for the life you have. You have a life! It isn't useless. Hugs your way today. Wishing you strength. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Why don't you surf the net today for local activities in your area? Look up clubs or get togethers or something of that sort. Take a class. Have you always wanted to learn how to do something? Do it now. Now is your chance. Take today and begin to think of all the things you can do in your life. Of all the things you can invest in. Think of how you want people to know you. Do you want us to know you as someone who gave up? I hope not. You have a much greater potential. Surf the net. Read about things that interest you. Find things. Go out and do things. Fill your life with interests. Find your happiness. Find you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 (edited) Surf the net. Read about things that interest you. Find things. Go out and do things. Fill your life with interests. Find your happiness. Find you. im going to a halloween party tonight. ill be alright i know it. i just dont know how to get over these regrets that just eat at me. i chased her away. im still doing it (contacting her) as little as this last monday. if i went NC from the beginning she would be back. now i just have to go NC because i have nothing left to say. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THe fact that my insecurities chased her away? that thye are still affecting my relationship with her, and that im more insecure then ever now....thats it. thats the root^. im insecure and weak and lame and my life revolved around her and now shes gone and im alone and more insecure and lost and scared and all the bs i tried to avoid by becoming super clingy and all this other ****. this is truly a learning experience however much i suck. i suck so much im beating myself up. because i have to .... Edited October 30, 2009 by McGrupp Link to post Share on other sites
JL911 Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 You didnt chase her away...She for whatever reason just decided to bail on you...You dont go no contact to get them back ya do it for yourself and only yourself....I had that mentality at first too, but once i got over the shock and awe of someone tearing out my heart I realized that I never wanted to go through this with the same person ever again... A break up is just that...Its the end...It is like a death when you are attached...But no matter how much you beg and plead, its not going to really work out once it gets to that point where one person no longer sees you the same way...And it is a very hard pill to swallow, but it makes you so much stronger getting over it.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 (edited) ugh. my brain hurts from analyzing. i have to accept and swallow that pill. but how? what can i do to do it? thats the word INSECURE. i became insecure that she was ****ing someone else. she sniffed it out and i lost her. i just want to move on, but cant because...well i dont know how. i really feel ****ty depressed and suicidal right now. Edited October 30, 2009 by McGrupp Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 i just have to breathe and believe everything will be better one day Link to post Share on other sites
Thebob Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 ugh. my brain hurts from analyzing. i have to accept and swallow that pill. but how? what can i do to do it? thats the word INSECURE. i became insecure that she was ****ing someone else. she sniffed it out and i lost her. i just want to move on, but cant because...well i dont know how. i really feel ****ty depressed and suicidal right now. Man Mcgrupp, what did I say son!?!??!?!? sheeesh, Ill go homo style on ya, listen to this song and the lyrics http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrNoDUblAtE Thebob Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 i know man i know. i just want my balls back. i want them ****ing back. and she took them. nay. i gave them to her. i remember when i met her i was this confident kid with the world by the balls. i need to get back to that. but im lost as to how. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 i know man i know. i just want my balls back. i want them ****ing back. and she took them. nay. i gave them to her. i remember when i met her i was this confident kid with the world by the balls. i need to get back to that. but im lost as to how. McGroup, you need to share what you are going through with people in your life now. I believe you need to do this to get a better view of the situation. There are several ways you can do this: 1) See a counselor/therapist 2) If you attend a church, see if they have a program to help you out there, or talk to the pastor. 3) Share what your going through with family if you can. I will tell you the turning point in my life, and how I got out of my struggles. For so long I was so hung up on my past! There is a program called "The Landmark Forum" out there. (Landmarkeducation.com) Once I took the forum I realized how I was torturing myself with the past! Check it out, see if they have a class in your area. Seriously, it was the turning point. But you need to clear out your head. You need a new way of seeing the past, you need new tools on how to deal. Get help. Because at this point, you can't do it yourself. If money is a problem, ask for help. Or let us know here! We'll find a way. In fact, just keep us posted. And thank you for sharing what you are going through. It helps all of us. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkToes Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 How are you doing when you're not at work? Is it easier to distract yourself? Are you able to get out and exercise or hang out with friends? Sometimes the mind-numbing jobs can be the worst at times like this, because you don't really have to concentrate on anything and the monkey-brain takes over. One way to give yourself a little break is to find something to do that absolutely requires your full concentration -- even for a short time. A class where you're forced to participate. A conversation with a homeless person. A really good movie. Learn how to fly a helicopter. Anything that gets your brain on a different track will help a little. A long time ago, I had a friend who was really struggling with his life, and having thoughts that he'd rather just check out. He knew he'd never do it, but he thought about it sometimes. He decided to go skydiving, learning enough that he could do a solo jump. Because he knew that when the time came, he would choose to pull the cord. He would choose to live. Now I know this is rather drastic, and I'm not suggesting you do that. But sometimes, there is nothing that shakes us out of a desire to die than an immediate fear of death. You can hate your life and just want the pain to stop.... until the doctor says you have cancer. And everything changes. Sorry to go off on that. But for everything you think you did wrong, there was a woman who accepted that and abused it. And that's her stuff. You didn't turn her into a commitment phobe or whatever else she is. But now you know that your insecurities will likely continue to attract women like her, so use that to get your feet back under you. Do you deserve a great relationship with an amazing woman? Absolutely. So become the man who attracts that kind of woman into your life. Link to post Share on other sites
BigTenInchRecord Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 I'm not sure if my earlier post was confusing, it was a bit long and kinda hard to say everything I wanted to. But just remember what I said about the difference between true love, and love of the relationship. Now I'm not saying you didn't love this girl, I'm sure you did. But trust me when I say your seeing it through rose colored glasses right now. Your not remembering any of the negative things, and personally IMO I think your missing the idea of being with someone just as much as your missing your ex as a person. The way you said life seems pointless without a love interest proves that. Cry when you really have to, it helps, but other then that try not to dwell on it too much. Focus on doing things for you and having a good time, and everything will be all right. Things tend to even out in the end, and you'll end up with someone great, while your ex may realize she had a guy who treated her like a queen, unlike so many guys out there. And even if she doesn't, well you know what you have to offer, so you know it's her loss. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 okay. i think u might have something there. def miss the best friend and someone always there to listen to your **** no matter how menial and someone to help you out and feed you and be there for you. but your right ever since she cheated i have been kinda walking on glass just to make the relationship work. i mean i didnt kiss her ass, but well u guys know Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 But for everything you think you did wrong, there was a woman who accepted that and abused it. And that's her stuff. You didn't turn her into a commitment phobe or whatever else she is. But now you know that your insecurities will likely continue to attract women like her, so use that to get your feet back under you. Do you deserve a great relationship with an amazing woman? Absolutely. So become the man who attracts that kind of woman into your life. Hey McGrupp. Good to see you're still here. You can continue to regret, regret, regret but, IMHO, it is very natural to respond to her behviour in the way that you did. They back off, we pull harder. It's so natural that we do it unconsciously, at first. When it doesn't work, the tendency is to start freaking out. She did f*ck off a year ago. She p*ssed all over the trust you had for her by fooling around. I'm really not suprised you then felt insecure when you got involved with her again. I'm going to mention He's Scared, She's Scared again, as it explains this little dance in a way that will help you to accept that there is nothing you could have done to change HER insecurities - the fear of not running. It's all she knows to do when the going gets tough. SHE will have to learn some coping skills if she ever wants to be happy in a relationship. Anyway, that said, the point to take in the the one that Pink Toes made - you NOW know what NOT to do. You don't want to make the same mistake again, right? So you don't. Use this as your motivation to get what you want. There are books that can help you understand this. All it takes is you buying or borrowing one and reading it. There are therapists who will take you through a process like this. And there is your rational brain that CAN guide you through the minefield that your hormones are creating for you, right now. You are having overwhelming rushes of stress hormones flood your amygdala right now. Simple as. This is a chemical imbalance caused by the loss of your primary attachment. It will make your fear as though you're the child who let go of their parent's hand - like you could die. But you are not a child. You are a man. With options. Once you get your rational brain to understand this is a hormonal rush (and deal with that chemical imbalance effectively - taking meds, counselling, whatever), your brain will be able to clearly recall what is going on here: A girl who you loved was not able to cope with being loved and ran. You WILL miss her but you CAN deal with it. If you want to deal with this pain, choose the option you would like to try first to help you: medication, counselling, the books recommended, etc. Which option are you going to try? x (Good on you for deciding to go to the party tonight, btw. ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 just talked to a friend. he was like what happened to you? i told him i broke NC. he explained that it was kinda like a pool. all the stuff had kinda settled on the bottom and me talking to her stirred it all up. sad really Link to post Share on other sites
JaggedRoad Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 That sounds gross. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 yeah i guess. made some sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 just talked to a friend. he was like what happened to you? i told him i broke NC. he explained that it was kinda like a pool. all the stuff had kinda settled on the bottom and me talking to her stirred it all up. sad really Excellent! And do you feel better after talking with your friend? Talk, talk, talk! Get that stuff out of your head! Share it with others! Don't worry, it will do you all good. There is an exercise that I did... try it out. Right out the ENTIRE STORY between you and your ex. EVERYTHING. Then find a friend or go see a therapist and read it out loud. Just ask them to listen, really listen. Keep reciting the story over and over again. Over and over again. It'll help. It'll help get all that stuff out of the bottom of the pool. It'll flush it all out. I hope you try it! It works! If you can't find someone then I'll put a public email address out and you can contact me. I'll let you call me just so you can get this relief! It WILL help the pain! Seems like a silly exercise, really. haha.... but it worked for me anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 gotta get my head out of the gutter. she played me or something. i got played. i lost my self respect. Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 That's true. You gotta, my friend. And you will. But not by just regretting, regretting, regretting. That will just keep you stuck in one place - where you are right now. Glad you called your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
JaggedRoad Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Excellent! And do you feel better after talking with your friend? Talk, talk, talk! Get that stuff out of your head! Share it with others! Don't worry, it will do you all good. There is an exercise that I did... try it out. Right out the ENTIRE STORY between you and your ex. EVERYTHING. Then find a friend or go see a therapist and read it out loud. Just ask them to listen, really listen. Keep reciting the story over and over again. Over and over again. It'll help. It'll help get all that stuff out of the bottom of the pool. It'll flush it all out. I hope you try it! It works! If you can't find someone then I'll put a public email address out and you can contact me. I'll let you call me just so you can get this relief! It WILL help the pain! Seems like a silly exercise, really. haha.... but it worked for me anyways. That's good advice. I did that when my ex broke up with me the second time. I had speech class, and read a little poem to the class. I just wanted to vent, but everyone started to talk to me after that happened. I guess people were surprised that I was willing to do something like that. An to add to Ms. Joolie's advice, find random people and tell them your story. I told my story to a person working at a gift shop in a church, a Buddhist nun, and countless other people. It may seem kind of ridiculous at first, but people do share their own experiences as well and tell you that it will be ok. It will be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 oh i have been talking to randoms. first i talk to customers about it if it gets there. everyone at work knows. all my friends are ****ing well aware. i told you about the bar the other night where my one friend had people lining up to hug me. i talk to friends far away on the phone about it. if anything im tired of talking about it. but i cant stop. my best friend who i go to the bar with all the time, said hes going to start charging me (a joke). man this sucks so much. im in so much hurt. i put myself here and i dwell and i cant keep busy. Link to post Share on other sites
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