i want to end it

[Ms. Joolie]

McGrupp, I can totally understand... and so you sit around thinking about an unfortunate relationship.

 

I have yet to read your thread... just tied up at work right now! (I know... and love shacking... lol) But I'll find it now and won't add my 2 cents anymore until I read it.

 

So in the meantime go find a rubberband for now!

 

BTW, if the pain that hurts the most is a lost love, then it is no wonder. Because it seems like that is the worst pain there is. But don't you get it? If you get through this.... you can get through anything.

 

I'll go read your thread now!

[mickleb]

So what happens in an emergency?

 

I used to work in a video shop for too many miserable years with long hours like that. The management used to make us feel bad about taking a sh*t.

 

Some things are more important than the store being open, though. And anyone wanting to buy an item of furniture off a bloodied salesman is unlikely to pass by, for sure.

 

Can you call your boss and say either the truth - you're having a REALLY bad time and you need to see a doctor. Or a lie - you think you may have food poisoning, or something, as you've been throwing up every 20 minutes - and go and see a doctor?

 

What you're talking about today is serious stuff. You're either suicidal, in which case, you need to leave that shop and get help - NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT. Or you're struggling, having another bad day, a really bad one BUT YOU KNOW YOU'LL GET THROUGH IT. If the situation if the former. See a doctor. I happen to be on holiday today, so I can be around and keep you company if it's the latter. x

[soheartbroken]

Hey. I completely understand what you're experiencing. I still experience it to a certain extent.

 

I thought I was going insane, thought I would end up in a catatonic depression on my mom's couch. I'm 26 and have moved back home.

 

The pain is/was so unbearable, and I couldn't distract myself or stop my hopeless thoughts from spinning. Someone threw us away. I get it. I get the pain, and the thoughts (including seeing people pining after years). Everything you wrote - been there/still there at times.

 

I'm not here to tell you to get up and distract yourself, cause I know how hard that is. In fact, NOTHING is a distraction when your thoughts are spinning like they are.

 

I will say 4 things:

 

1) If sitting with your pain is what you need to do at this moment, then do it. Don't be ashamed or let others tell you you're not "manning up" (people say this with the best of intentions of course). I survived my darkest times by simply breathing. Just don't hurt yourself. Eventually you will be forced to get up and move.

 

2) I'm not worried about your sanity. You get to work, you're functional. YOU ARE FUNCTIONAL (to a very limited extent), and that's all that matters. You have people telling you to do your laundry...that means you have people around.

 

3) Your body cannot stay in the painful state that it's in. It is not possible to remain in the amount of pain you are in forever. Especially the anxiety. That's the body's fight/flight response, and it gets toned down.

 

4) Those who still pine for their exes after years - they are not still in as much pain as we are. Often they have even found someone new. But anyway, I'm saying this to convince myself as well, because I share your fear. Perhaps someone reading this can chime in about those still hurting after many years.

 

Write all you want.

[soheartbroken]

And yes, counseling/therapy/seeing a doctor would probably be beneficial.

[McGrupp]

i just feel so weak. the last contact she had was an email she sent apologizing for everything to which i didnt respond. i was so happy to leave it at that. i finally had someupper hand and would leave her wondering about me. and could go on knowing i had some self respect left.

 

then i called the other day and everything went back. i begged again, i talked about how im moving on and i dont think she cared at all. i lied about things i have been doing.

 

i was so contempt leaving her wondering for the rest of her life. now she has the power yet again. especially after the call i came back and wrote an email saying i wish her all the best and to call or email me if she wants to in the future. (ugh!!!)

 

and all these thing juts belittle me. they make me look like a pancy. she said she need time to find herself and the door hasnt closed on us but to not wait around to which i got pissed, because she keeps saying that.

 

anyway then we talked and it was great just to hear her voice even though you know she doesnt care.

 

it remminded me of this scene in that weird movie AI. at the end after like a million years these aliens let this kid (who was frozen in ice for the centuries)see his mother who he loves very much and who left him alone one day for no reason. but they can only bring her back for one day. thats what it feels like when i contact. shes cordial and nice, we laugh, but i know the conversations must end. and then im like this.

 

just took a xanax so ill be ok for 2 hours...

Edited October 29, 2009 by McGrupp

[mickleb]

I was reading your earlier posts and saw that ecm was writing to you about Commitment Phobia.

 

Your ex has got this bad. She is in a kind of pain of her own but the way she deals with it is to run. And how does that leave you? F*cked.

 

Much as you adore her, she is being extremely selfish. You know that, rationally. You know that she even used the opportunity (when she ran from you, last year) to play around with another guy.

 

Pretty, smart, 'nice' (as you have put it) she may be, SOME OF THE TIME. She is none of those things right now.

 

She is actually more terrified than you. You are stronger than her. You have the guts to TRY to leave it alone and heal (and be ready for someone who is, also, ready to love.)

 

She can't even do that. She's p*ssed off, who knows where, with who? But, in case that all gets a bit too real and scary, would like you left dangling on a string to hook up with.

 

It's really not pretty. It's pretty ugly.

 

I'm left wondering what happened to you to allow someone to treat you in this way.

 

About the xanax - to some extent it's a case of whatever gets you through the night, at this stage. Your doctor will be able to suggest a better long-term plan for you, though, I should think. x

[soheartbroken]

You're not weak for making contact. It's a perfectly normal response. Almost every single person on LS has done it, multiple times.

 

My ex said basically the same thing as yours: I can never say never, but don't make changes for me, make them for you. I don't want to give you false hope etc.

 

So the Xanax's work eh?

[carhill]

well thats the thing. i cannott leave the office as i am the only one here. i work in a retail furniture store. so unless there is someone in the store there is little to do. and retail right now? slow. im here till 9pm. stop by

Well, I could surely use some furniture. My stbx has all our stuff at her new place. Got an easy payment plan?

 

just took a xanax so ill be ok for 2 hours...

 

Xanax is great for anxiety but it won't help with depression really, and it sounds like that's what you have.

 

You've gotten some really good advice. I know I wouldn't be here and relatively healthy if it hadn't been for over a year of MC. Therapy can really help. I cashed in some of my retirement to pay for it. It kept me sane and alive. On the bad days, what I learned there helps me cope.

 

Life will change for you. What tomorrow brings, none of us knows. Live right now, here. We've got your back

[McGrupp]

I'm left wondering what happened to you to allow someone to treat you in this way.

 

me 2. i guess i got, for lack of a better term, pussy whipped.

 

i wanted to bang her so bad i let my little head take over. i realize this. now im off that but letting my big head make the mistakes.

 

ahhh. i gotta let it go. i guess the xanie is working. man im in just this rut of life. i know it will get better. but im worried it wont.

 

and she is selfish. she said it herself. "i have to be selfish right now"

 

what a bitch. i dont really care about getting her back now. i just wish i had my self worth back from her.

[angelface78]

McGrupp,

 

Life is a gift. This woman is not your life. There are so many wonderful things ahead of you only you cant see the future right now. I know how it feels when you world is crashing down. My ex fiance of 5 years and i split 3 months ago. A month after the breakup he jumped into a relationship and flaunted it all over myspace with no regard for my feelings. Can you imagine the pain i have been through??? Crying like crazy, laying in bed for months, not eating, not getting out of the house at all only to work and back. I am at 3.5 months now....and its getting better. Trust me...it will get better. Let her have her time. I read how she told you she needs time to find herself. Let her do whatever she wants. Dont worry about her. Worry about yourself right now. Dont do anything against your life. You are a wonderful unique person who was created to be happy. Give yourself a chance to find that happiness.

[McGrupp]

i appreciate the love. i have to let her go. that the problem. i cant/dont.

 

but i gotta start

[mickleb]

what a bitch. i dont really care about getting her back now. i just wish i had my self worth back from her.

 

I hope the xanax is working and that you are feeling a bit better.

 

Your words suggest you are. Anti-anxiety/depressant medication does that job very well. It regulates the rush of hormones (= emotion) and allows your head to work properly.

 

It can't do the whole self-worth shebang bit, for you, though. Neither can she.

 

That will kick in once you've done whatever you need to (meds, mates, gym, couselling - you know the menu) to kick this particular unhealthy habit.

 

That in itself will give you a major sense of accomplishment and, probably, enough belief in yourself to get on and do whatever you want with your life (and, remember - really - your life could be spectacular.)

 

You just let her in too far. She became your primary attachment. Difficult to let go of? As difficult as it is for a child to let go of its mother in a crowd, and let her walk away forever? Possibly.

 

Fight or flight is where you are now. You contacting her is you fighting (it seems). You leaving life, the other option. But you are not fighting for your life, necessarily. You are not in the middle of a physical battle field. You let someone (who, ultimately, you couldn't trust) right inside your heart and your battle is an emotional one - so it doesn't FEEL much different. But it is.

 

Use the tools around to, slowly but surely, push her out of that space. (Your head is great at this, when it's not being overridden by those hormones). You don't have to let go completely, at this stage but you do need to try to take back the centre of your heart, bit by bit.

 

You don't HAVE to let a person who hurt you keep getting THAT far in. They can be in your head and, let's say, the outer part of your heart. But you can begin to reclaim the very centre for yourself.

 

The questions about why you let her in so far will, probably, eventually, lead you a little further than just 'balls-deep'. But they're tough work when you're still reeling.

 

Survival first. Questions later. Contentment last. And, I promise you, when you realise that no-one can ever bring you down this far again, that's the kind of happiness you'll realise you've always been looking for.

 

Can you, at least, order in some decent take-out or a good latte to wash down that xanie, whilst you're left to converse with the wardrobes? x

[McGrupp]

i have lost about 30 lbs in the last 2 months. i do deserve a cheeseburger

[McGrupp]

i think i was really upset the last 2 days because i believed that NC i was on was my last shot for a 2nd chance. my window was closing. we had never gone longer then the 25 days since the breakup. everyday was still a struggle not to pick up the phone.

 

im realizing though, that maybe i just ended it right there. my email said the basic "im glad we broke up, my world is open now, we had greta times, i would like to be your friend in time. live your life"

 

of course the friend **** is bs. the rest was kinda bs. but i thought it would make her think i moved on. now i will.

 

no hope = good.

 

i havent looked at it like that.

[mickleb]

I don't know of anyone else who deserves a cheesburger more! (Except, perhaps, for someone who's got no food at all... but don't let that stop you!)

 

Was that really your last email? If so, a perfect place to move on from.

 

I think it's the hope that really does kill. You're out of control if you've given it all to someone else, eh?

 

There is a saying which is something like, the best form of revenge is success. You don't have to dish out revenge, as such - although, believe me, when you hit the anger stage, your mind will go overtime! But, if you EVER see her again (bump into her on the street, whatever..) Your success (of ACTUALLY moving on) will definitely make her think twice. Especially a commiment phobe, with the wanting you when they CAN'T have you piece of elastic they like to call 'fun'.

 

I'm proud of you, fella. Rock bottom is often the place we have to get to before we REALLY start sorting our lives out and I think you have started on your path. What a turn around! And I'm excited for you, too. The best is SO yet to come.

 

Take it slowly, though. One cheeseburger at a time!

 

(In the meantime, a cheaper-than-therapy and great way to kill time in a furniture store option is a book, called 'The Journey From Heartbreak to Connection' by Susan Anderson. It'll really help you pace yourself. Oh, and you may notice I've plagiarised an analogy or to from there, today, ahem..! Honestly, best read I've had since my break-up.)

 

I'm still hanging around tonight, althought I really MUST stick a baked potato in the oven and watch some reality TV, at points! But let me know how that burger goes down.

[McGrupp]

i want to thank everyone in here. i feel better. i need to still work on a lot of things. as the med is wearing off i can feel my brain whirring up again.

 

however i realized i cant have her run my life, especially when she is not even around or giving a **** about me! hard for me not to think about her with someone else. but ive already been with someone else, and if she cared at all she would be in contact.

 

she is not mine anymore. she is to herself and i am to myself. good.

[mickleb]

i want to thank everyone in here. i feel better. i need to still work on a lot of things. as the med is wearing off i can feel my brain whirring up again.

 

however i realized i cant have her run my life, especially when she is not even around or giving a **** about me! hard for me not to think about her with someone else. but ive already been with someone else, and if she cared at all she would be in contact.

 

she is not mine anymore. she is to herself and i am to myself. good.

 

Over the worst, my love.

 

Keep posting here, whenever you need to.

 

So glad you're feeling better. x

[McGrupp]

i wish there was something you could take to just not care anymore.

 

i feel my brain starting again. the anxiety and depression is drifting in again. the ****ing REGRETS!

 

THE NC I SHOULDVE DONE.

 

arrgh

Edited October 29, 2009 by McGrupp

[JaneDoe35]

I know, If only there was a course of antibiotics for heartbreak!!

 

Don't give up, I know I am not going to although it seems to be an attractive option right now.

 

Just keep breathing, stay alive and things will feel better than this.

[mickleb]

It's very easy to feel regretful when you're dealing with a commitment phobe. The 'what if's?' could be endless. If they keep running off and then returning when you..? What? When you do the right thing? When you say the right thing?

 

No.

 

When THEY want to. If you let them.

 

And what does that help them to understand?

 

That walking out on you, when they 'can't deal' is okay.

 

Is it?

 

If it's okay with you, all this. Let it continue.

 

If you would like something more.. Have no regrets.. Move forward. Yes, through the pain but FORWARD. Towards what IS okay, by you. And past what IS wrong, by you.

 

You WILL be okay. x

[McGrupp]

i guess your right. last year when she hooked up with said fella i walked away and she came running back. i let her back pretty easy.

 

this year she started the same thing. i walked away. she freaked and called me all day. i went and saw her.

 

then i called a lot. she said space and then i asked to see her some more. and she said it was over and then i kept asking why.

 

so u can see why i have regrets.

[Thebob]

ok we know your weak, we know you think your life is pointless, man up and move on with your life. Go work out, go party with friends, do something. It's over with this girl and it's time to move on my man. No point in being suicidal about it. Move on and make yourself happy, go buy some new clothes, go get some ice cream, do something to get your mind off this girl.

 

Thebob

[4givrnt4gtr]

 

 

 

i just need...well i dont know. time? a new job? a new outlook? and new life.

 

Yes to all of the above (no to the ones i erased!)

 

Right now you are in pain, lots and lots of pain, we all are to varying extends. The pain is more intense when you're sitting at your store doing nothing cuz you're entire life is revolving around her and what isnt revolving around her isnt exciting.

 

Time to take your entire life as if it was a page on a book, tear it off and start from scratch. I often feel like when i say "id like to die" i actually mean 'I want a new life" and thats doable....

 

Go crazy, pretend you have the power to do anything you want with YOUR life....for instance, what would you LOVE to do regarding work. What job would you love to do, even if its firefighter...GO FOR IT. Research, apply, do whatever it takes. Have you ever wished you lived somewhere else? GO FOR IT.

Nothing better for a heartbreak than realizing that you have the power to make your life as amazing as you want it without this person holding you back. All you have to do is put aside thoughts of her, conjure up whatever it is you want and work on making it happen. At worst you get so caught up with the whole idea that after a while you arent even thinking of her anymore, even if things dont pan out. At best, you are living your dream.

 

Darling life is like a bunch of clay. Sometimes we work so hard on this one pot and somehow someway it breaks and it all becomes a hot mess. Yet, the clay still there, waiting for you to start over and make something even better, more solid and more resistant. DOnt throw your wonderful clay away.

[McGrupp]

Its scary to get up and go. But i must whilst im still young

[NowhereToHide]

i guess your right. last year when she hooked up with said fella i walked away and she came running back. i let her back pretty easy.

 

this year she started the same thing. i walked away. she freaked and called me all day. i went and saw her.

 

then i called a lot. she said space and then i asked to see her some more. and she said it was over and then i kept asking why.

 

so u can see why i have regrets.

 

McGrupp.... I see so much of myself in your posts.

 

When my affair ended, I literally had a breakdown. I couldn't get out of bed, I had anxiety that wracked my entire body, I had huge panic attacks, I couldn't care for my kids. I lost 30 lbs. quickly and pretty much never slept.

 

I felt like I was ruined. But much of what I realize now -- especially after reading your posts -- is that so much of that is wrapped up in regret and wishing I would have handled things differently. Losing him was horrible, but the feeling that I had acted in such a way towards him that I couldn't respect, that was the kicker.

 

I will say that therapy has helped immensely. And I was put on anti-depressants for a few months to level off my emotions. PLEASE go see a therapist. It will help you more than you know. It literally saved me (and my family). There is no shame in admitting you need help.