Author McGrupp Posted November 3, 2009 Author Share Posted November 3, 2009 (edited) this is the kinda **** she had been writing all 2 months after i break NC. wtf do i do with this? it hurts so much i wrote that email bec ause i wanted her to think i have moved on. obviously i have not. obviously. Edited November 3, 2009 by McGrupp Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 3, 2009 Author Share Posted November 3, 2009 somebody anybody just say something. im sitting here alone. i cant take it Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 3, 2009 Share Posted November 3, 2009 Something. Okay, smile....you want to. Now seriously, the question is...what now? Do you want her to come after you or do you want to end the pain? In other words, if a new person entered your life tomorrow who seemed as attractive to you as she does and you had a choice, would you still choose her after all that the two of you have been through? Or would you move on to someone else? Do you love her or do you love the feelings that she brings? Do you simply want the pain gone and hence she can get rid of the pain, or would you take her back and still have the pain of her cheating and the pain of the uncertainty? As for never finding someone like her again, I don't agree with that. Two times I felt that way in life, and both times a better person came along. Link to post Share on other sites
Bulldozed Posted November 3, 2009 Share Posted November 3, 2009 McGrupp - I sent an email apologizing for the harsh letter I sent a month earlier, as well as how I had behaved....and I got NO response whatsoever...all I heard was from a mutual friend that said, my ex claimed I didn't say the two words she was looking for..."I'm sorry".... I know what you're going through. You love this woman, it's hard on one's ego to be rejected. All I can say is let her go....part of me didn't want to send the apology email because I knew I would get either no response or not the response I was looking for. Lesson learned....stay hard NC, drop to the floor and do 50 pushups....RIGHT NOW.....when your mind starts drifting back to her, drop down and do 50 more....the endorphins will make you feel better, I promise!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 3, 2009 Author Share Posted November 3, 2009 Do you love her or do you love the feelings that she brings? both........... Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 3, 2009 Share Posted November 3, 2009 both........... Really? Then why did you want to get rid of her? Why did you call her bitch? Which is it? So, assuming that you love her...why? And beauty is one. Start from there. What feelings did she give you that no one else can give you? And leave sex out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 3, 2009 Author Share Posted November 3, 2009 i dont know anymore. why did i call her a bitch? cause im weak and drunk at the time ad she hurt me and im immature. why do i love her? cause she is smart, sexy and independent and made me feel like there was one person in the world for me finally. i could tell her things i never told anybody?> she understood me on a deeper level then anyone else and she left because i chased her away. you asking why did i write a letter telling her i was moving on? what else could i have done? sat around and pinned for her. i broke NC anyway. i dont know anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 3, 2009 Author Share Posted November 3, 2009 i didnt get rid of her. she got rid of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 3, 2009 Author Share Posted November 3, 2009 bump, cause im selfish and i love hearing the same **** over and over Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 What are you looking to hear? Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 (edited) ok so im supposed to say: she cheated, i deserve better, move on. but i feel like: im never going to find someone again. i will never find someone to love me. i am a failure in my relationship and ive also forced the one person who loves me out of my life. i have nothing now except myself and i guess ive always been alone. so que: depression and regret and lonliness and thoughts racing. anyone who says otherwise isnt looking at the facts. not only that but ive given her my balls by staying in contact. i dont want anyone else. life is so strange. i love this person and they dont love me anymore? wtf? theyre not ****ing anyone else yet, they just threw me away? all my dreams are now changed. i have to make myself happy? but i was never happy? i just had someone next to me to listen to my ****. i guess. im just ussing this to vent now. i need a pychiatrist but my insurance will not cover it. so what am i supposed to do? there are plenty of fish in the sea but i hate people. i see myself dying alone. i want help. i want out of this rut. i want to go back to the day she said she wanted me to come back up to her and i did. i want to tell her that i need space so she would be chasing me. i want to live again like i used to and enjoy life and not this depression that i cause d by being pyscho and letting her control my emotions. i want to hold her again and have her kiss me on the cheek and i want to not call her the one day when she realized she couldnt take it anymore. i want this pitty party to end and a new chapter of my life to begin but i dont know how. i dont know how... Edited November 4, 2009 by McGrupp Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 I hear ALL of that. The regrets, fears, depression. I'm right alongside you. Honestly, I'm afraid for my sanity sometimes. And speaking of regrets. I lost a great person, someone who didn't cheat on me. So I really ****ed up. Since you're on the internet a lot...look up therapists or counselors that offer sliding scale. Much cheaper than Psychiatrists. I found one that I can go see for very cheap, maybe in the $40 dollar range. I don't know how to move on either. I keep saying that to my therapist. "I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do..." Posting is a good idea. Making small to-do lists is a good idea. Seriously. Like, "Do laundry", "go for a walk". Staying away from booze is a good idea. But really, I think time will do it's thing (for you...not so hopeful for myself!). You just have to survive to let time do it's thing. Seriously man, I've left school to deal with this pain, which is really intense. I have trouble reading a book, the smallest thing throws me off. You're not alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 i dont know what im supposed to do now with my life. i really am lost. i cant stop analyzing losing her. NC threads send my head into a spin as i think if i stayed NC 2 months ago i would have her back. i know i keep saying that, im looking for faults in her, but i cant find many. she wasnt perfect but who is i guess (is that a cop out?) i just dont know what to do. i dont want to float through life right now. i want to use this to make myself great, i want to use the bitterness to motivate myself. however, i miss my girl that i chased away and now she thinks i have moved on (good thing? who cares?) she was my muse. i used her to motivate myself. like im doing this for us or her. idk what to do know. im a loser gawd im tired of this **** Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 I'm going to talk to you with my rational, sane brain, because I swear I could be writing your posts. Dude. Tons of people have begged and pleaded and sent messages etc. Everyone who advocates NC has usually broken it. VERY FEW people have gone NC right from the beginning, with no slip ups...maybe SiliconToad. People who divorce are in a lot of contact, and they still heal. Most people heal from breakups. Period. You're in a tough spot. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to make yourself great just yet. Just weather the storm for now. Take baby steps. Post on other people's threads, run some errands, go for walks, keep going to work for now. You are going to get over this woman. I can see it in you, because you are passionate. Your issue may be not coming out of this too bitter and angry (I can also see that in your posts...calling her a bitch for example). Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 (edited) i mean i can honestly say me not going NC has cost me the relationship. how am i supposed to live with that? i cant. i really cant. shes one girl but she was mine and now feels that im a cancer on her. im getting whiney but i ****ed this up. so...im filled with regrets Edited November 4, 2009 by McGrupp Link to post Share on other sites
Bulldozed Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 Damh McGrupp! Quit being so ****ing hard on yourself. I'm in the same boat. I wish I could turn the clock back and go back to the night when she pushed for us to "take a break"...you bet your ass I wouldn't have been so agreeable...I would have said, you want to break up, then just do it...dont mislead me by taking this easy pansy way out....I would have walked, and had I ventured onto this site that day or the next, I would have gone strong NC.....but I didn't...and more than likely it would have just delayed the inevitable. The stars weren't aligned for us...the same may be true for you two as well. GO NC, hardcore dude....distance makes the heart grow fonder...who knows? Mine is due for a wake up call, of course if and when that happens, I'll be well on my way, to a better future. I'm using this experience, though painful beyond belief, to better myself for the next time. There will be a next time with someone who is far more deserving of our love. As great as my ex was and is, she'll get what she deserves in the end for how she destroyed our friendship....same with yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 i asked all my friends the other night to slap me. they lined up. whatever. im getting over her. this is more the "i ****ed up" and the "what do i do now" portion of this thread. i dont cry anymore. i still think about her but now im just lost as im young and dumb and in my mind she was always there. and now she is not and NC si the way for the rest of life. and i keep calling her a bitch which is weird and sad. life is hard sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 You'll get over the regret stage. It's just a stage. Mind you, there will be other depressing stages, but you've gotta tackle one at a time. It's the only way through. It sucks that we all have to hurt this badly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 (edited) as my da goes on my posts lighten up (xanax) to where im writing on about the future. dont worry in the AM ill freak out again but i am getting over her especially with her last email. very interesting time in my life. i don wonder if ill evver get laid again. i mean i had a hot, cool chick once, i can get another again, right? Edited November 4, 2009 by McGrupp Link to post Share on other sites
Bulldozed Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 Damn right you will McGrupp....just remember, women are like tile floors, lay em right the first time, and they'll be around forever....I would suggest you don't looking just yet...i certainly can't fathom being with another woman....my therapist told me to pick a date on the calender of my re-entry into the dating world....i'm targeting Jan 1st....maybe...that day will be hard...in fact I'm dreading the holidays in general..but soon, we'll both be back at it...I promise you....did you do your pushups? Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 meh i miss her. where did it go wrong? i wish i could write out my whole story and you guys would see. she still consumes me and i havent found anything to replace her Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 she still consumes me and i havent found anything to replace her And you won't while you pine away in the furniture store. It will take some strength and will, but it will be necessary for you to get out and socialize even when you do not want to do it. Meeting new people, being with old friends, and getting your mind off her will be the best thing for your social life and you health. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 meh i miss her. where did it go wrong? i wish i could write out my whole story and you guys would see. she still consumes me and i havent found anything to replace her I wish you would write out the whole story... post it here and share it with us. I know you have like a zillion threads on it... but NOW.... how do you see the story now? And, believe it or not, there is more to life than just your romantic life! There is your physical health, your education or your career, your friends, family, etc! Focus on the bigger picture. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 what is the bigger picture? seriously i have nothing going on. i dont even know why a new mate would want me. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 what is the bigger picture? seriously i have nothing going on. i dont even know why a new mate would want me. Ahhhh..... the bigger picture of life! Your life from start to end, the life all around you, the whole world of life. It's all happening out there, McGrupp! It's not all about your relationship with this young lady that ended. That relationship as it was has ended. But you have not ended, your story is still going. You get to create your story. Are you going to be the guy whose life was ruined because of a relationship with a hot girl that didn't turn out? What hope do you give to that little boy across the world, eight years old, who struggles to simply get adequate food and water? If we all gave up, it would be a sad world. If we all forgot about the bigger picture, it would be a sad world. Your relationship with what's her name.... it is a very small thing part of who you are and who you are capable of being. I know it feels like you are at the bottem of a hole right now, but only because you haven't climbed out. Find the tools that work for you, climb out.... live life. Your romantic life is part of your life... it shouldn't consume YOU. (And I just want to say, that you express so well what I feel so often, McGrupp... I have to tell myself these things constantly. Remember, I am also coping. And if I can share this light or this hope inside that I feel, that is helping me get by, all the better, right?) Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts