You're being financially responsible but she thinks you're being stingy

[WalkInThePark]

This subsided significantly until recently - especially with Xmas right around the corner. My wife has been insisting on me buying her items that are priced higher than what I paid for a similar item for my ex-wife. And she wants me to send astronomical amounts of money to her family in the Philippines - amounts that don't comfortably fit into our budget.

 

I should note that it is a commonly accepted practice for American husbands of Filipina brides to help out their family. I know of some American/Filipina couples who are in financial ruin for "unexplained" reasons (obviously the nice husband sending too much $$$ to his wife's family).

 

Gerhard, open your eyes. You have fallen for what looked like a nice, obedient looking Asian girl. She has fallen not for you as a person but for your money.

You will have these kind of conflicts all throughout your marriage. Is that what you want?

I would divorce her. This is not about love, this is about a golddigger with her own agenda.

[Gerhard]

i always wonder why some women (and men) seem to think that the material things = love. it's almost as if she wants proof of your affection by the things you will buy her... which seems backwards.

She wants me to buy her things that are priced at a $$$ amount greater than what I spent on similar items for my first wife. Example, if I bought my first wife a $300 handbag, my wife wants me to buy her a $400 handbag. I told her that would never happen.

 

Is this insecurity, immaturity, low self esteem or what?

[threebyfate]

She wants me to buy her things that are priced at a $$$ amount greater than what I spent on similar items for my first wife. Example, if I bought my first wife a $300 handbag, my wife wants me to buy her a $400 handbag. I told her that would never happen.

 

Is this insecurity, immaturity, low self esteem or what?

My question would be, why are you two discussing the price of goods purchased in a previous relationship?

[2sunny]

She wants me to buy her things that are priced at a $$$ amount greater than what I spent on similar items for my first wife. Example, if I bought my first wife a $300 handbag, my wife wants me to buy her a $400 handbag. I told her that would never happen.

 

Is this insecurity, immaturity, low self esteem or what?

 

it doesn't matter what it is to her... the real question is - what are you going to do about it?

 

and also, WHY doesn't she take your NO as a NO? when i answer NO - no one ever asks me again!

[Gerhard]

My question would be, why are you two discussing the price of goods purchased in a previous relationship?

She brings it up - despite my protests. How does she know? In some cases it's because I told her during the early days of our relationship when we were discussing exes, but in most cases, she's making erroneous assumptions about what I spent on my first wife.

[2sunny]

it doesn't matter what it is to her... the real question is - what are you going to do about it?

 

and also, WHY doesn't she take your NO as a NO? when i answer NO - no one ever asks me again!

 

and i repeat! mainly because you don't answer the direct questions i have asked YOU.

 

i will be honest... YOU like playing the victim. it must work for you in some way for you to complain and do NOTHING to make it stop.

 

you ONLY have control over what YOU do or don't do. this is YOUR part in it. own it - make it the way YOU want it to be. and stop complaining.

 

if you say NO to her - then follow through with it... have you told her no in the past - then just bought it for her anyway to shut her up? if so, you are only encouraging her bad behavior... ie - she thinks - "if i nag him to death he will give in and i'll get my way"

 

if you say no and mean it - it actually means she won't get rewarded for her bad behavior - and you won't have to put up with all the crap every time she opens her mouth. when she asks more than once and you've said no - simply say "i answered that request" or simply shake your head and walk away.

[Gerhard]

The wife had been quiet about this for a while, but now she's acting up again. She's exhibiting the following traits:

 

1) Teases me about my ex-wife; threatens to throw away, give away or destroy anything (even important financial documents) that even remotely pertains to my ex-wife.

2) Repeatedly accuses me of being cheap because I don't spend as much on her as I did on my ex-wife; Yet she knows my financial situation was different when I was with my ex-wife, my ex-wife worked and contributed to the household expenses and I wasn't as responsible with money back then.

3) Repeatedly accuses me of being cheap because I don't buy her things that are as expensive as what I bought for my ex-wife.

4) Accuses me of being cheap because I don't buy her things that are as extravagant (or give her as much discretionary spending cash) as her girlfriends husbands buy them - yet their husbands either have more cash flow than us or are fiscally irresponsible.

5) She makes absolutely no effort to find a job.

6) Coerces me into promising under duress to give her certain amounts of money and then accuses me of not being a man of honor when I tell her that I made the promise under duress.

7) She refuses to go to counseling.

 

Since this latest uprising, I've told her she won't get anything from me if there is any mention of my ex-wife or if she complains about money. We'll see how it goes. My guess is she'll complain about money and continue to tease me about my ex-wife. After I withhold $$$, she'll probably continue complaining. Aaarrrgh!

[Angel1111]

Sorry, but your wife sounds like she's got the maturity level of a 2-yr-old. I don't know how men stand ignorant and shallow women like this. I'm sorry you got stuck with this girl. She's a living nightmare. Good for you for putting your foot down, though.

[mem11363]

G,

You truly seem like a sane man and a decent person in every sense of the word. You ARE being responsible which is what you need to do at this age unless you want to be old and broke and alone.

 

She has been giving you grief about money for over a year and she still makes no effort to get a job. You tolerate this because you find the touch of her youthful body intoxicating. Otherwise you would have given her an ultimatum long ago and then made good on it when she continued with her loony behavior.

 

From what I can tell she wants you to prove your love by:

- Overspending on her - thus proving you are "madly" in love

- Not asking her to get a job - hey she just doesn't think she should have to work - she is hot - why should she work - work is for non-hot chicks

- Throwing out things that have deep meaning to you - if they have anything to do with your ex wife.

- Forcing yourself to believe in her religion. It is not enough to attend church with her - you need to convert

 

You are like the poster child for why men should not marry a woman half their age.

 

 

The wife had been quiet about this for a while, but now she's acting up again. She's exhibiting the following traits:

 

1) Teases me about my ex-wife; threatens to throw away, give away or destroy anything (even important financial documents) that even remotely pertains to my ex-wife.

2) Repeatedly accuses me of being cheap because I don't spend as much on her as I did on my ex-wife; Yet she knows my financial situation was different when I was with my ex-wife, my ex-wife worked and contributed to the household expenses and I wasn't as responsible with money back then.

3) Repeatedly accuses me of being cheap because I don't buy her things that are as expensive as what I bought for my ex-wife.

4) Accuses me of being cheap because I don't buy her things that are as extravagant (or give her as much discretionary spending cash) as her girlfriends husbands buy them - yet their husbands either have more cash flow than us or are fiscally irresponsible.

5) She makes absolutely no effort to find a job.

6) Coerces me into promising under duress to give her certain amounts of money and then accuses me of not being a man of honor when I tell her that I made the promise under duress.

7) She refuses to go to counseling.

 

Since this latest uprising, I've told her she won't get anything from me if there is any mention of my ex-wife or if she complains about money. We'll see how it goes. My guess is she'll complain about money and continue to tease me about my ex-wife. After I withhold $$$, she'll probably continue complaining. Aaarrrgh!

[Angel1111]

You are like the poster child for why men should not marry a woman half their age.

 

I never picked up on this - why do you say that he's married to someone half his age? Yes, that would explain a lot if it's true.

[Gerhard]

I never picked up on this - why do you say that he's married to someone half his age? Yes, that would explain a lot if it's true.

While she's considerably younger than me, she's considerably more than half my age. I'm mid 40s and she's late 20s.

[2sunny]

she's not going to change without extreme circumstances, so what are YOU willing to do about this awful situation that keeps rearing its' ugly head?

[Angel1111]

While she's considerably younger than me, she's considerably more than half my age. I'm mid 40s and she's late 20s.

 

Based on her age and actions, it would seem she's only with you for the money. And since you're not giving her the results she wants, she's disillusioned.

 

I predict an affair in your future. I hope I'm wrong but from where I'm sitting, this is where it looks like things are headed.

[Angel1111]

My ex husband made a comment to his dad once that I was a "penny pincher." Well, guess what? I'm the one with a beautiful home on 40 acres. He still rents at the age of 42.

 

You rock, Donna! Way to go!

[Gerhard]

Update. We're going on vacation in April. She's said she wants money for the vacation and to send to her family and has threatened me by suggesting she won't be happy on the vacation unless she gets the money she wants. I postponed the vacation once because there wasn't much enthusiasm on her part. Now I'm fearful that I'll waste my vacation time and dollars to take a vacation with her while she's doing nothing but whining that I didn't give her as much money as she wanted.

 

For now I've decided to tell her I'll give her the money when we go on the trip and I'll decide then how much it's going to be. But I'm fearful that if it's less than what she's hoping for, then she'll make the vacation miserable. Yet if I give her as much as she wants, then it sends her the message she can get what she wants if she threatens to ruin our vacations. What to do?

[SarahRose]

While she's considerably younger than me, she's considerably more than half my age. I'm mid 40s and she's late 20s.

 

Is she from a third world country too?

[sally4sara]

The wife had been quiet about this for a while, but now she's acting up again. She's exhibiting the following traits:

 

1) Teases me about my ex-wife; threatens to throw away, give away or destroy anything (even important financial documents) that even remotely pertains to my ex-wife.

2) Repeatedly accuses me of being cheap because I don't spend as much on her as I did on my ex-wife; Yet she knows my financial situation was different when I was with my ex-wife, my ex-wife worked and contributed to the household expenses and I wasn't as responsible with money back then.

3) Repeatedly accuses me of being cheap because I don't buy her things that are as expensive as what I bought for my ex-wife.

4) Accuses me of being cheap because I don't buy her things that are as extravagant (or give her as much discretionary spending cash) as her girlfriends husbands buy them - yet their husbands either have more cash flow than us or are fiscally irresponsible.

5) She makes absolutely no effort to find a job.

6) Coerces me into promising under duress to give her certain amounts of money and then accuses me of not being a man of honor when I tell her that I made the promise under duress.

7) She refuses to go to counseling.

 

Since this latest uprising, I've told her she won't get anything from me if there is any mention of my ex-wife or if she complains about money. We'll see how it goes. My guess is she'll complain about money and continue to tease me about my ex-wife. After I withhold $$$, she'll probably continue complaining. Aaarrrgh!

 

This begs the question of your actions during courtship compared to now. I'm not saying I agree with her requests by any means, but what did you do to woo her prior to marriage?

Did you buy her? Spend lots of money on her?

Because if she has money always on her mind, I find it hard to believe there was no clue to this before saying "I do" unless you barely got to know each other and jumped right into marriage.

Was your financial situation much different until recently? If so, what caused this to happen and at what point in the courtship did it change?

[Angel1111]

For now I've decided to tell her I'll give her the money when we go on the trip and I'll decide then how much it's going to be. But I'm fearful that if it's less than what she's hoping for, then she'll make the vacation miserable. Yet if I give her as much as she wants, then it sends her the message she can get what she wants if she threatens to ruin our vacations. What to do?

 

She says jump and you ask how high. It's completely ridiculous. I hope she's worth this kind of headache. I'd divorce this person so fast it would make her head spin.

[LucreziaBorgia]

From reading your thread, I can't for the life of me understand why you are still married to her except for the fact that she will likely try to rape you in divorce court in order to squeeze as much money from you as possible.

 

Does this woman have any good traits? Any? Why are you still married to her?

[JustLooking123]

This relationship sounds like one big power struggle. How miserable.

[Gerhard]

Is she from a third world country too?

Yes, she's from a country that is much less privileged than the US.

[Gerhard]

This begs the question of your actions during courtship compared to now. I'm not saying I agree with her requests by any means, but what did you do to woo her prior to marriage?

Did you buy her? Spend lots of money on her?

Good questions. I didn't spend lots of money on her prior to us getting married. She was in a different country and even when I visited with her, I didn't give her large sums of money. I merely paid for our expenses. On more than one occasion, she said she was a "simple girl" and didn't need fancy things.

 

Because if she has money always on her mind, I find it hard to believe there was no clue to this before saying "I do" unless you barely got to know each other and jumped right into marriage.

Was your financial situation much different until recently? If so, what caused this to happen and at what point in the courtship did it change?

Both my financial situation and my maturity with respect to handling finances were much different when I was with my first wife than either are now. But my wife doesn't understand this and thinks if I bought my first wife a $30,000 car, $5,000 diamond earrings or a $800 handbag, then she's entitled to the same. But she can't explain how we can cause money to grow from trees.

[Gerhard]

Money to send to her family? WTF?!!! And she's using extortion to get it out of you? "If I don't get my way, I'm going to make you MISERABLE on this vacation! WAH, WAH, WAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Ick.

As she's not working, I give her spending money from time to time. She's free to send it to her family if she wants, but that doesn't mean the amount I'm going to give her will change.

 

I'm just wondering what's the best approach, as I don't want for us to get into a pissing match while on our vacation. Have a heart to heart discussion about the money issue before going? Or simply tell her I'll give her some money when we go and close the discussion then - as she repeatedly bugs me for money.

[Angel1111]

I'm just wondering what's the best approach, as I don't want for us to get into a pissing match while on our vacation. Have a heart to heart discussion about the money issue before going? Or simply tell her I'll give her some money when we go and close the discussion then - as she repeatedly bugs me for money.

 

Since she made a threat about the vacation being tied to money, I would cancel the vacation. Problem solved. You're going to need the money anyway for the divorce.

[SarahRose]

Well, I have to say, reading this thread kind of blows lots of these theories many LS men have been trying to shove down our throats about finding a woman outside of the US as well as the reasons for guys in their 40's wanting 20-something wives.

 

Gerhard, you have a selfish woman on your hands who doesn't give two hoots how you feel about ANYTHING. She's with you for $$$. End of story. I don't know about you, but I couldn't be in a loveless marriage.

 

 

Exactly what I was thinking and exactly what is going on.

 

These young third world girls are raised to lie and deceive foreign men. All they are looking for is a green card and a meal ticket and these guys never seem to figure it out.

 

To OP you married yourself a conniving gold digger and this won't get any better. You'd be better off divorcing this leech before she gets knocked up and really costs you an arm and leg.