It's over; need some hand-holding....

[Adunaphel]

Misty, I am impressed with how strong you are being and how well you are handling the situation.

Keep up with the great work you are doing... which is, loving yourself more than you did love him, respecting yourself and moving on with your life.

Could you deactivate your email account and get a new one? It should work even better thazn blocking his emails.

[Aquarius Rising]

Hi Misty

 

I have only just read through this thread for the first time. There you were over on my thread being supportive while all this is going on for you... Wow!

 

I'm really sad that you are going through it all especially with your job issue as well ... but life is all about our ATTITUDE towards it and maybe this is happening now because it's the universe telling you it's time for Misty to get the most out of her life and that's going to require change on several fronts.

 

I'm on Day 6 of NC, the weekend was really hard, lots of low moments followed by ok moments, followed by glimpses of hope, followed by low moments ...

 

As hard as it is and as much as it hurts, hurts, hurts and in my case I DO feel as though this was the LOVE of my life ... even without a full-blown PA .... I've never felt this way about anyone before in my life ... and it is hard to believe I will again .... and that is so hard to let go of.

 

BUT

 

I/We all deserve to be loved right back equally and fully. That IS NOT going to happen with my MM... though it's taken me 18mths to reach that conclusion ... I'm done hanging on to false hope. I am worth more than that. People vote with their feet .... and he NEVER took the action required to make it REAL.

 

You are young and have so much living to do. Small steps. One day at a time.

 

What does it say about you that you are willing to give so much love? .... and

What does it say about you that you had the strength to walk away when you knew that love was not going to be respected and reciprocated fully?

 

Go Gently ((( Hugs )))

 

AR

[fooled once]

HEY Lyssa, I can't be bitter - I am not a BS

 

Misty, there is a reason you were laid off -- a part of a grand plan that maybe you don't know about yet (hug)

 

You will get through this --- focus on finding a new job.

 

Continue to ignore the emails and any other communication he tries to send you. Remember that he is disrespecting you by not following what you asked him to do - which is not contact him anymore.

 

One day at a time!!

[Mino]

HEY Lyssa, I can't be bitter - I am not a BS

 

Misty, there is a reason you were laid off -- a part of a grand plan that maybe you don't know about yet (hug)

 

You will get through this --- focus on finding a new job.

 

Continue to ignore the emails and any other communication he tries to send you. Remember that he is disrespecting you by not following what you asked him to do - which is not contact him anymore.

 

One day at a time!!

I agree, when one door closes, another one opens! the best is yet to come, be patient and take the time to heal;)

[Reggie]

And get some therapy.

[MistyK]

Hi Misty

 

I have only just read through this thread for the first time. There you were over on my thread being supportive while all this is going on for you... Wow!

 

As hard as it is and as much as it hurts, hurts, hurts and in my case I DO feel as though this was the LOVE of my life ... even without a full-blown PA .... I've never felt this way about anyone before in my life ... and it is hard to believe I will again .... and that is so hard to let go of.

 

BUT

 

I/We all deserve to be loved right back equally and fully. That IS NOT going to happen with my MM... though it's taken me 18mths to reach that conclusion ... I'm done hanging on to false hope. I am worth more than that. People vote with their feet .... and he NEVER took the action required to make it REAL.

 

AR

 

Ar,

You know, I really believe he was the love of my life. And the fact that he moved out (well, mostly, if you ignore the fact that he otherwise spends every waking moment over there and left half his stuff there) made it look like he was doing the right thing. Rightly or wrongly, I believe he will eventually finalize the divorce and all that (if only because his W finally decides she wants to move on), but I am not willing to sacrifice another couple years. It's been 2.5 already and he chose to use all my limited patience up while still playing house with his W. Had he made a clean break when he moved 4 months ago, it might be different. I might have been able to forgive and forget all the bull**** he put me through. I'll never know, because that didn't happen.

 

It feels like a part of me died. All the hope I had and all that I waited SO LONG for is up in smoke. It feels WASTED. There were good times of course, largely overshadowed by bad times, (like the hours I spent listening to the emotional phone calls he had with his wife in front of me, like the "please don't divorce me" text message he sent her while I laid next to him in bed, etc.) and I am trying not to look at it like wasted time, but I don't want to get too nostalgic either, because that makes me miss him.

 

I did some really crazy things that I am not proud of in all this, and I know my brain was elsewhere when I should have been "with" my kids. Even now as I try to process all this I feel terribly guilty.

 

And of course I blame myself for all of this. Maybe if I had left him earlier he'd have gotten his act together by now. Maybe I could have been more patient (this is the one he likes to drill me with), and the obvious - I never should have gone here with him in the 1st place. Still, he taught me a lot and did a lot for me...sh*t here I go getting nostalgic.

 

Anyway, I cry A LOT. My kids ask me why and I don't have a good answer. My daughter used to ask me "why do you cry in bed mommy?" all the time and for obvious reasons it's happening again and I feel terrible about that. To make matters worse, my son chose yesterday to ask me again to get back together with my xH. We talked about why people pair up and split apart and at some point he asked me if I found someone else that made me happier. I could have died right there, wanting to cry and can't, but I just said "no". So then he said he was going to throw a fit until Daddy moves back in with me. He moved on to something else soon thereafter, but I have a permanent reminder of all that's happened right there.

 

The layoff thing is complicated, but I'm afraid explaining it will reveal a little too much identifying info. But yeah, it sucks. (Not that I have any doubt that if MM or BW ever tripped over this somehow they'd know EXACTLY who this is, but I think the chances of that -though slim- are still scary).

 

Sorry this turned into a bit of a pity party. Anyway, I hope you are doing well AR.

[Aquarius Rising]

Ar,

It feels like a part of me died.

 

Misty, I know that feeling.... but a part of you MUST die because it was the part that was willing to settle for something so inferior to what real love and real relationships are .... and that part will continue to hold you back if it doesn't die off .... even though that is so terribly painful. A new part of you will grow in it's place .... and it will be a healthy part so keep you head up and be kind to yourself ....

 

I'm doing ok ... and thanks for asking .......though these early days are REALLY tough.

 

Thinking of you (hug)

 

AR

[MistyK]

These are the days I wish we had a physical meeting place. I feel so alone. One of my best friends was supposed to meet with me on friday, but she's dodged my calls all weekend and I'm not sure why. Sometimes it's just a matter of her being self-absorbed. But I really had my heart set on hanging out with her and all our kids.

 

BW keeps driving by my house (even though she doesn't need to do that to get to her house, there is another way that is just as conveinient) and now she's sending messages through the neighbors that she expects me to move. It's hard to watch her drive by all the time. I feel guilty for what's happened to her and it's a reminder of all that has pained me with xMM too. Ugh.

[Dexter Morgan]

Well, I'd agree that I shouldn't be surprised that he spends so much time over there and has no boundaries at all with her, but I do think I was right to have the expectation when he moved out months ago and repeatedly swore up and down he was working on a life with me, he was committed to me, blah blah. Obviously my trusting his word was a dumb move. Love is not always blind, sometimes it is willfully stupid.

 

Ok, fair enough.

 

so now the question is....are you done with married men?

[MistyK]

Ok, fair enough.

 

so now the question is....are you done with married men?

 

Ok, I suppose I deserve that, but in my defense, I was not specifically looking for anyone, let alone a married man. I was unhappy in my own M and ended up going too far with a trusted friend who was/is also in a bad M. I would NEVER, EVER knowingly get involved with a married guy again. truly, I think the only reason it happened is because I was married. It was like it was safe to be emotional with him because nothing could come of it as he was M. I never imagined any of this would happen.

[MistyK]

a part of you MUST die because it was the part that was willing to settle for something so inferior to what real love and real relationships are .... and that part will continue to hold you back if it doesn't die off .... even though that is so terribly painful.

AR

 

That's a really good thought AR. Thank you. (hugs)

[Dexter Morgan]

Ok, I suppose I deserve that, but in my defense, I was not specifically looking for anyone, let alone a married man. I was unhappy in my own M and ended up going too far with a trusted friend who was/is also in a bad M.

 

he was in a bad M because he told you so. MM looking to get in another woman's pants aren't going to tell that woman that their marriage is fantastic. And based on his actions as of late, it appears the marriage wasn't all that bad to begin with.

 

 

I would NEVER, EVER knowingly get involved with a married guy again.

 

glad to hear it, and just remember, there is a motive behind a man confiding in another woman and giving them a line that their marriage is bad. not saying some of them are truly bad, but men aren't going to get what they want by telling a prospective OW that they love their wives and that life is good:o

 

 

 

truly, I think the only reason it happened is because I was married.

 

if that is your true take on it, then I would think you shouldn't get married again.

 

surely you don't believe that you had an affair because you were married?.....or do you?

[MistyK]

he was in a bad M because he told you so. MM looking to get in another woman's pants aren't going to tell that woman that their marriage is fantastic. And based on his actions as of late, it appears the marriage wasn't all that bad to begin with.

 

Um, true enough, but I don't think that was neccessarily the case here. For one, we were friends for years before the affair and had a platonic relationship for a really long time. And I can't imagine that his moving out- away from his wife (even if it was sort of half-assed), indicates that his marriage was in good shape.

 

glad to hear it, and just remember, there is a motive behind a man confiding in another woman and giving them a line that their marriage is bad. not saying some of them are truly bad, but men aren't going to get what they want by telling a prospective OW that they love their wives and that life is good:o

 

Obviously!

 

 

if that is your true take on it, then I would think you shouldn't get married again.

 

surely you don't believe that you had an affair because you were married?.....or do you?

 

You TOTALLY missed my point. What I mean was I felt safe around him because he was married, I figured nothing would happen. I was very vulnerable toward the end of my marriage and were it not for that, the A with MM wouldn't have happened. I am not saying that I have a problem being committed, which is how I think you took that.

[Dexter Morgan]

You TOTALLY missed my point. What I mean was I felt safe around him because he was married, I figured nothing would happen.

 

ya, I guess i did miss it....since it wasn't clear in the first place.

 

my point still stands, you were married and felt safe because he was married. so therefore, if you ever were married again, hopefully you don't become real good friends with another MM....or real good friends with a man in general. Friends?...fine....friends attached at that hip that do alot alone, ...not good.

 

 

I was very vulnerable toward the end of my marriage and were it not for that, the A with MM wouldn't have happened. I am not saying that I have a problem being committed, which is how I think you took that.

 

ya, I did take it that way.

 

as far as being vulnerable....it seems to be going around and is one of the #1 excuses.

[fooled once]

Ar,

You know, I really believe he was the love of my life.

 

I can promise you he wasn't the love of your life. He was a stepping stone to a better life; to a new improved version of you. I will be willing to bet 5 years down the road you will NOT ever consider him the love of your life. Heck, I would even bet 2 years from now you will feel that way. You are too young to think that what he gave you was (a) love; (b) something that you will die without. You have so much more LIFE ahead of you!

 

And the fact that he moved out (well, mostly, if you ignore the fact that he otherwise spends every waking moment over there and left half his stuff there) made it look like he was doing the right thing. Rightly or wrongly, I believe he will eventually finalize the divorce and all that (if only because his W finally decides she wants to move on), but I am not willing to sacrifice another couple years. It's been 2.5 already and he chose to use all my limited patience up while still playing house with his W. Had he made a clean break when he moved 4 months ago, it might be different. I might have been able to forgive and forget all the bull**** he put me through. I'll never know, because that didn't happen.

 

Misty - I am so glad to read that you are done -- that you aren't willing to waste anymore time on him!

 

It feels like a part of me died. All the hope I had and all that I waited SO LONG for is up in smoke. It feels WASTED. There were good times of course, largely overshadowed by bad times, (like the hours I spent listening to the emotional phone calls he had with his wife in front of me, like the "please don't divorce me" text message he sent her while I laid next to him in bed, etc.) and I am trying not to look at it like wasted time, but I don't want to get too nostalgic either, because that makes me miss him.

 

I could bean you for staying with a man who is text messaging his wife those kinds of messages while he is laying beside you. What in the world??? Misty - you are so much better than that type of treatment!!

 

I did some really crazy things that I am not proud of in all this, and I know my brain was elsewhere when I should have been "with" my kids. Even now as I try to process all this I feel terribly guilty.

 

Stop that -- no parent is perfect. LIFE sometimes gets in the way and sometimes, we cannot control some of the emotions we feel. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to wave a magic wand so that we can change our hurts. But we can't. BUT - we can grow from them as we work through them.

 

And of course I blame myself for all of this. Maybe if I had left him earlier he'd have gotten his act together by now. Maybe I could have been more patient (this is the one he likes to drill me with), and the obvious - I never should have gone here with him in the 1st place. Still, he taught me a lot and did a lot for me...sh*t here I go getting nostalgic.

 

The only blame you should be having on yourself is crossing a line from friendship to lovers. No person should ever feel guilty for continuing a relationship with a MARRIED person. He made choices - and one big one was to cheat on his wife and play games with your heart and your head. That is on HIM, not you.

 

Anyway, I cry A LOT. My kids ask me why and I don't have a good answer. My daughter used to ask me "why do you cry in bed mommy?" all the time and for obvious reasons it's happening again and I feel terrible about that. To make matters worse, my son chose yesterday to ask me again to get back together with my xH. We talked about why people pair up and split apart and at some point he asked me if I found someone else that made me happier. I could have died right there, wanting to cry and can't, but I just said "no". So then he said he was going to throw a fit until Daddy moves back in with me. He moved on to something else soon thereafter, but I have a permanent reminder of all that's happened right there.

 

You tell your kids that you had a friend who is now not your friend anymore. You tell them that it is sad sometimes ending a friendship. They do not need to know who or anything like that. But you should give them a reason for why you cry. They need to understand hurts, saddness and disappointment.

 

Your son really needs to understand that while mommy and daddy will love him forever, they don't love each other like a wife and husband should and that they are better at being friends than being married. And no matter how bad he acts up, you and daddy will NOT be getting back together.

The layoff thing is complicated, but I'm afraid explaining it will reveal a little too much identifying info. But yeah, it sucks. (Not that I have any doubt that if MM or BW ever tripped over this somehow they'd know EXACTLY who this is, but I think the chances of that -though slim- are still scary).

 

Sorry this turned into a bit of a pity party. Anyway, I hope you are doing well AR.

 

Misty --- please stop beating yourself up. And I hope you are not communicating with him anymore. Try to figure out what lead you down that path (and stop punishing yourself for going down that path -- it is over, it happened, you can't UNchange it).

 

I know for me -- had I not been where I was, had I not gotten hurt as badly as I did, had I not gotten out when I did - I never would have met my husband. I am not saying the affair led me to my husband because that couldn't be further from the truth. I am saying the timeline led me to him.

 

But I also grew a lot as a person; I realized what *I* wanted out of life for me and for my son. I realized I am truly someone who should be loved and cherished. I realized I will never play 2nd fiddle again. I realized I don't need a man to make me happy. I realized how immature I was.

 

The past is over. The present is now. The future has yet to come. Be kind to yourself, okay?

[MistyK]

my point still stands, you were married and felt safe because he was married. so therefore, if you ever were married again, hopefully you don't become real good friends with another MM....or real good friends with a man in general. Friends?...fine....friends attached at that hip that do alot alone, ...not good.

 

Obviously. There were times in the past I felt I was getting too close to male friends and pulled back accordingly.

 

 

as far as being vulnerable....it seems to be going around and is one of the #1 excuses.

 

It's not an excuse, it is simply why I think it happened. I am not going to try to defend myself on this all over again, especially when it's over now.

[MistyK]

I could bean you for staying with a man who is text messaging his wife those kinds of messages while he is laying beside you. What in the world??? Misty - you are so much better than that type of treatment!!

 

I could bean myself for that too. I didn't see him send it. I thought it was odd that he was hiding it (and for obvious reasons i don't trust him), so I rooted through his email and found an email from his wife saying she was confused that he acts like he wants out but then he just texted her not to divorce him. I felt guilty for rooting through his email, so i guess I wrote it off as my fault because I shouldn't have snooped.

 

Plus, he told me he wanted a couple months to elapse after moving out to file because he thought it would be too much for the W all at once. So since I knew he wanted to wait, I somehow twisted around his pleading with her not to file (rather than just not filing himself) to be ok because he told me that's how it would go down in advance.

 

And, I might add, I had surgery that day. He sent this text right before we left for the surgery center and I found out what it said right after we got home to his house. I couldn't do anything for myself for a week and he took care of me at his house (my kids were in FL with their Dad), so I didn't want to make a big deal of it.

 

But reading that email, I just wanted to die. I was in so much physical pain that I couldn't process what I'd just read....it was bad timing on top of everything else.

[MistyK]

I'm still getting emails from him telling me loves me that he'll get it together (finalizing the divorce, visits with the kids, boundaries with the W, etc) and that I shouldn't lose sight of the "big picture". (Translation: I'm going to try to convince you I am doing something when I am not and in the mean time, please don't you date anyone else.)

 

Its so hard to read those. I know he means what he says when he says it, but it almost never translates to action. I know I should filter them to the trash, but I end up just rooting through the trash folder. For whatever reason I feel like I have to prove to myself that he cared about me but is just incapable of acting on it. Maybe then I am "worthy", I guess.

 

I'm not responding to the emails, so I'm sure they will fade off or get angry in short order. Maybe then it will be easier to accept everything.

[Confused4Now]

I'm still getting emails from him telling me loves me that he'll get it together (finalizing the divorce, visits with the kids, boundaries with the W, etc) and that I shouldn't lose sight of the "big picture". (Translation: I'm going to try to convince you I am doing something when I am not and in the mean time, please don't you date anyone else.)

 

Its so hard to read those. I know he means what he says when he says it, but it almost never translates to action. I know I should filter them to the trash, but I end up just rooting through the trash folder. For whatever reason I feel like I have to prove to myself that he cared about me but is just incapable of acting on it. Maybe then I am "worthy", I guess.

 

I'm not responding to the emails, so I'm sure they will fade off or get angry in short order. Maybe then it will be easier to accept everything.

 

Yeah I get those emails and I just delete them....it's the same old BS "I have a few things to work on and I'll be in your life" I got the Ecard on father's day and it says I look forward to future father's day celebrations that we will have together. On and on....Just keep living your life till they are officially out with PROOF. During this time you can heal and if you do come together you can come together honestly the right way. You tell him look at the big picture himself.

 

Bottom line it's all about actions!!!!

[MistyK]

He just called me because he's upset. Apparently his W drained all the joint accounts, and drained the business account (which her name isn't even on! - She was an authorized signer on it, and he refused to take her off when they seperated, despite my advice). My immediate reaction is: well, I TOLD you to seperate all that stuff months ago and that's what you get for not acting like you wanted to seperate for real. That's what you get for trying to have it both ways. You wanted to leave the door open and she walked right in and took all your money. Maybe now you understand how hurtful it is to be constantly deceived when things are going on behind your back. Maybe now you'll do what you need to do for your kids instead of trying to placate everyone. GRRRRRR!

 

Now he's singing the song once agin that she's evil, which is so funny since he flip-flops every 2 seconds. I just don't want to hear it. And an hour from now he'll go back to acting like nothing happened and totally incapable of seperating. I am so angry!

 

Why come to me of all people to whine about this!? Not like it changes anything. AHHHHHH!

[Dexter Morgan]

He just called me because he's upset. Apparently his W drained all the joint accounts, and drained the business account

 

good! good for her

 

 

Now he's singing the song once agin that she's evil

 

no, he is. he's crying in his beer now that his cheating ways are coming back to bite him.

 

hopefully he has no recourse against her.

[Owl]

I'm still getting emails from him telling me loves me that he'll get it together (finalizing the divorce, visits with the kids, boundaries with the W, etc) and that I shouldn't lose sight of the "big picture". (Translation: I'm going to try to convince you I am doing something when I am not and in the mean time, please don't you date anyone else.)

 

Its so hard to read those. I know he means what he says when he says it, but it almost never translates to action. I know I should filter them to the trash, but I end up just rooting through the trash folder. For whatever reason I feel like I have to prove to myself that he cared about me but is just incapable of acting on it. Maybe then I am "worthy", I guess.

 

I'm not responding to the emails, so I'm sure they will fade off or get angry in short order. Maybe then it will be easier to accept everything.

 

Block his emails.

 

If he's contacting you and you're reading them...that's still contact. That's not letting yourself heal.

 

You need to completely remove him from your life until he's well and truly available to be with you.

[fooled once]

Misty - stop answering the phone when he calls.

 

You aren't really NC if you are doing that.

 

He knows he can get to you - especially when he calls to complain about her. You are a mom - someone who nurtures. He KNOWS how to play this to you.

 

Stop answering his calls. STOP STOP STOP

 

You are allowing him back in each time you do that.

 

You told him to not contact you, right? Each time he does, he is showing you exactly what he thinks of you -- he has no respect for you.

 

STOP STOP STOP

 

(hug)

[MistyK]

Misty - stop answering the phone when he calls.

 

You aren't really NC if you are doing that.

 

He knows he can get to you - especially when he calls to complain about her. You are a mom - someone who nurtures. He KNOWS how to play this to you.

 

Stop answering his calls. STOP STOP STOP

 

You are allowing him back in each time you do that.

 

You told him to not contact you, right? Each time he does, he is showing you exactly what he thinks of you -- he has no respect for you.

 

STOP STOP STOP

 

(hug)

 

He called my desk at work, so I have no way of telling who is calling until I've already answered. Naturally he did this on purpose, he could have as easily called my cell. He also mentioned that another woman he'd been interested in called him and asked him out b/c she heard he was seperated (though she used to ask him out when he was married too). I presume this was more manipulation designed to make me jealous, so I did not respond.

 

I did tell him once again to leave me alone. I think I'm ready to start filtering my emails. That whole thing today showed me that i have to be a bit more proactive because he's not going to respect my wishes.

[jj33]

Misty hes yanking your chain big time. Hes got the MM play book out and hes trying each line to try and get some attention

 

Make her feel sorry for me

 

Make her jealous

 

Tell her how much I love and miss her

 

(there are others as you said get angry etc etc)

 

Then play them all again until something works.

 

Dont fall for it. You are better than that.

 

And if he calls at work when you hear his voice tell him not to call again and hang up.