It's over; need some hand-holding....

[Lyssa]

Misty are you familiar with the ignore function. It may come in handy if you feel certain posters are posting things that are upsetting to you now.

 

It works wonders!

 

Misty, you're in need of support - to get over this MM. Most of the posters here have given you that and I'm sure there will be more to come.

 

You're already hurt and feeling bad as it is, you don't need to read upsetting posts so yes, like JJ33 suggested - use the ignore function.

 

Hang in there, Misty.

 

[[[hugs]]]

[MistyK]

Misty are you familiar with the ignore function. It may come in handy if you feel certain posters are posting things that are upsetting to you now.

 

No, I wasn't. Ah, that's better. Thank you

[fooled once]

Yikes --- did you put ME on ignore???

 

I wasn't trying to hurt you with my happy dance; I just wanted you to know I was so happy you finally realized you DESERVE better!!

[Lyssa]

Yikes --- did you put ME on ignore???

 

I wasn't trying to hurt you with my happy dance; I just wanted you to know I was so happy you finally realized you DESERVE better!!

 

I do not think you're the one being ignored, FO.

 

Your post was a really nice one, actually. Surprised that came from you .

[MistyK]

Yikes --- did you put ME on ignore???

 

I wasn't trying to hurt you with my happy dance; I just wanted you to know I was so happy you finally realized you DESERVE better!!

 

 

No no no, not you. I appreciate your support.

 

Hint: It was getting a little "chilly" in here.

[fooled once]

I am glad you ignored that.

 

And *foottap*

 

Your post was a really nice one, actually. Surprised that came from you .

 

I am a very nice person Vocal, passionate and stubborn, but underneath the tough exterior, a totally pussy cat

 

I am just so hopeful for you in the days/weeks ahead.

 

And I am glad you are here because I think you will be able to help so many other women who are struggling and find themselves in your FORMER situation

[Lyssa]

I am a very nice person Vocal, passionate and stubborn, but underneath the tough exterior, a totally pussy cat

 

I am just so hopeful for you in the days/weeks ahead.

 

And I am glad you are here because I think you will be able to help so many other women who are struggling and find themselves in your FORMER situation

 

You, pussy cat?! LIES!! In all seriousness, you seem pretty scary at times - your posts, I mean .

 

Thanks. I do what I can .

[fooled once]

Lyssa

 

Don't mean to come off as scary.

 

I am just very passionate about some subjects -- mainly I am an advocate for children.

 

But I admit to being opinonated in my thoughts and wonder why some people don't see things my way I was an OW, never a BS; yet some like to call me a bitter BS because of my views. I just know what damage it did to me, being the OW, and how utterly foolish I was to be so dumb and naive to believe the words of a liar and a cheat. I try to impart my experience on others so they don't fall into the depths of despair I did when I walked away from a 2 year relationship with a MM.

[NoIDidn't]

Misty,

 

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I knew he was going to have a fit about you going to lunch with another man.

 

The amateur psychologist in me says that the engaging in an affair with him while you were married marred his view of you. The leaving your H while in that affair only further made him distrust you. The going out to lunch with another man makes him fear you will then do the same to him. Forget the fact that he is basically doing ThE EXACT SAME THING that you did (he hasnt quite left his W yet, but he was saying that he was). He is the garden variety hypocrite. These kinds can never see that they are what they fear of others.

 

It hurts right now. It hurts because it doesn't make any sense. But it won't hurt forever. Be glad you are getting out of his and his BW's orbit.

 

(((MistyK)))

[MistyK]

There is the matter of a couple things we must exchange (I borrowed a dvd player for my kids to watch for the car ride to the beach the other week) and he has 2 computer disks I need and 2 pairs of pants of mine that he dropped off got hemmed for me awhile back. I'm going to try my best to exchange the stuff when he's not home, but since I won't be privvy to his schedule anymore, I can't know when he won't be there except for about a 1/2 hour window tonight. Should I try to do it then and likely avoid contact with him or wait and have to set something up with him? And if I go tonight, what do I do if he comes home unexpectedly? I am afraid. I don't want to see him because I'll melt.

[fooled once]

There is the matter of a couple things we must exchange (I borrowed a dvd player for my kids to watch for the car ride to the beach the other week) and he has 2 computer disks I need and 2 pairs of pants of mine that he dropped off got hemmed for me awhile back. I'm going to try my best to exchange the stuff when he's not home, but since I won't be privvy to his schedule anymore, I can't know when he won't be there except for about a 1/2 hour window tonight. Should I try to do it then and likely avoid contact with him or wait and have to set something up with him? And if I go tonight, what do I do if he comes home unexpectedly? I am afraid. I don't want to see him because I'll melt.

 

Now..... let's be honest --- do you HAVE to have those pants and those computer disks? Really? Or are they an excuse?

 

You have a key to his place?

 

I think I would wait a week --- let yourself get stronger. WAIT before exchanging anything.

 

Then, I would contact him regarding the stuff. You can tell him his DVD player is on your porch (or some where outside your home) and you would appreciate it if he would return the disks and pants and pick up the DVD player between the hours of 4 pm and 7 pm on XX date. In addition, IF you have a key to his place, it will be left with those things and if he has a key to your place, he is to leave it.

 

IF he has a key to your place, I think I would have my locks changed, even if he gives you the key back. I don't trust that he won't make a copy of the current key and give you back only the one you know about.

[MistyK]

Misty,

 

The amateur psychologist in me says that the engaging in an affair with him while you were married marred his view of you.

 

And unfortunately, I think I am also a reminder of his own bad behavior. I am a walking talking reminder that he's a liar, a cheater, and a hypocrite. I have seen the worst of him and he may well want to start fresh with someone else to forget about this whole episode. And if he ends up with someone else it has the added bonus of legitimizing his leaving his family - he didn't leave his family for me because he's not with me, and he can find someone closer to his age where he doesn't have to feel like people are looking at him funny when he's with me (all in his head, of course). Further, it'll be much easier for his kids to accept someone else other than me because he ensured we'd get caught and they know all about our affair.

 

For my part, I worry that I may have difficulty finding someone to accept me for all my flaws and past bad behaviors.

 

I hate also that I'm losing his mother in all this too, we got along really well. It was hard to lose my in-laws when I divorced, because all of my family is dead except my mom, an aunt and a sister - and they all live far away. It's espcially difficult because my relationship with my own mom has never been great...oh well.

[NoIDidn't]

Now..... let's be honest --- do you HAVE to have those pants and those computer disks? Really? Or are they an excuse?

 

You have a key to his place?

 

I think I would wait a week --- let yourself get stronger. WAIT before exchanging anything.

 

Then, I would contact him regarding the stuff. You can tell him his DVD player is on your porch (or some where outside your home) and you would appreciate it if he would return the disks and pants and pick up the DVD player between the hours of 4 pm and 7 pm on XX date. In addition, IF you have a key to his place, it will be left with those things and if he has a key to your place, he is to leave it.

 

IF he has a key to your place, I think I would have my locks changed, even if he gives you the key back. I don't trust that he won't make a copy of the current key and give you back only the one you know about.

 

I agree.

 

Buy new pants. Send him his DVD player via interoffice mail. Change the locks on your home.

 

Any contact between the two of you within the next 30 days will just undo what you have just done.

[MistyK]

Now..... let's be honest --- do you HAVE to have those pants and those computer disks? Really? Or are they an excuse?

 

I don't care about the pants, but the disks have all the baby movies and photos of my kids on them. He has the extra drives because I gave him my desktop computer when he moved and at the time I didn't have another tower to store them in. I can't leave them with him forever.

 

You have a key to his place?

 

Yes. I spent way more time there than he did. I cooked, I cleaned, laundry etc. (and in my own house too!), because he was always too busy playing house with the W and never brought his kids over.

 

I think I would wait a week --- let yourself get stronger. WAIT before exchanging anything.

 

Then, I would contact him regarding the stuff. You can tell him his DVD player is on your porch (or some where outside your home) and you would appreciate it if he would return the disks and pants and pick up the DVD player between the hours of 4 pm and 7 pm on XX date. In addition, IF you have a key to his place, it will be left with those things and if he has a key to your place, he is to leave it.

 

IF he has a key to your place, I think I would have my locks changed, even if he gives you the key back. I don't trust that he won't make a copy of the current key and give you back only the one you know about.

 

Fortunately he never had a key to mine. That turned out to be a godsend because his W stole his keys for several days at one point. So, she has a key to his new house too (but of course he wants to believe she was too stupid to make copies - right!).

 

Yeah, I have a feeling that waiting might be better, but I'm nervous about not getting those discs back.

[PhoenixRise]

And unfortunately, I think I am also a reminder of his own bad behavior. I am a walking talking reminder that he's a liar, a cheater, and a hypocrite. I have seen the worst of him and he may well want to start fresh with someone else to forget about this whole episode. And if he ends up with someone else it has the added bonus of legitimizing his leaving his family - he didn't leave his family for me because he's not with me, and he can find someone closer to his age where he doesn't have to feel like people are looking at him funny when he's with me (all in his head, of course). Further, it'll be much easier for his kids to accept someone else other than me because he ensured we'd get caught and they know all about our affair.

 

For my part, I worry that I may have difficulty finding someone to accept me for all my flaws and past bad behaviors.

 

I hate also that I'm losing his mother in all this too, we got along really well. It was hard to lose my in-laws when I divorced, because all of my family is dead except my mom, an aunt and a sister - and they all live far away. It's espcially difficult because my relationship with my own mom has never been great...oh well.

 

 

I think you may be right that he, on some level, sees you this way. Sometimes it can be very easy for people to avoid looking at their own behavior by subconsciously blaming someone else.

 

Maybe you should focus on healing yourself. Something within YOU allowed you to be treated very badly by this MM. You say even now if you see him you might melt.

 

I had to look at myself after I discovered my H affair. Even though our marriage was relatively happy with what I thougth was the normal ups and downs in a marriage, after dday I see clearly the times when he was inattentive, overly irritable, overly critical. I had to ask myself why I put up with HIS bad behavior. Being in love is not an excuse for a woman to put up with her partner dishing up undeserved sh**.

 

Build yourself up Misty. Don't allow this man or any man to treat you badly.

 

AND Don't worry that you won't find someone who will accept your flaws and past bad behavior. Are you planning to repeat the bad behavior and make it a way of life?

 

I don't know you, but I would bet that a decent available guy would be very happy to be with you. Who would want some wussy, punk a$$ man who can't handle a woman with a past anyway?

[jj33]

You need to make a plan with him to get your stuff back. It is WRONG WRONG WRONG to go to his house uninvited, unexpected after you have told him you wont ever contact him again.

 

If he had a key to your house how would you feel about it?

 

I would go ballistic.

 

You can knock on the door when you think he WILL be home. But you can not enter his house without his permission.

 

Doing that is a violation of his privacy and also suggests that you somehow think that you still have a right to be there. WRONG WRONG WRONG on so many levels

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow misty is Batchit crazy!!!

 

Imagine if she walked into the OM's house and had another woman already living there. You dont know what would have happened.

 

Affairs are mentally unhealthy she did all that lying and cheating, leaving her marriage and for what??

 

For a man who is going to keep her going in circles. Some soulmate huh? lol.

[MistyK]

You need to make a plan with him to get your stuff back. It is WRONG WRONG WRONG to go to his house uninvited, unexpected after you have told him you wont ever contact him again.

 

If he had a key to your house how would you feel about it?

 

I would go ballistic.

 

You can knock on the door when you think he WILL be home. But you can not enter his house without his permission.

 

Doing that is a violation of his privacy and also suggests that you somehow think that you still have a right to be there. WRONG WRONG WRONG on so many levels

 

He offered for me to come tonight while he was gone. I should have explained that better. I would never go there unexpected.

[MistyK]

Wow misty is Batchit crazy!!!

 

Imagine if she walked into the OM's house and had another woman already living there. You dont know what would have happened.

 

Affairs are mentally unhealthy she did all that lying and cheating, leaving her marriage and for what??

 

For a man who is going to keep her going in circles. Some soulmate huh? lol.

 

You seem to be missing something here Chrome. He is not OM, I am OW. I've been divorced 2 years. And I'm quite sure he didn't move anyone in overnight - hell he can't even bring himself to move all the way in.

 

WTF are you talking about - lying, cheating, leaving marriage? I had an EA that caused me to realize my marriage was over and I needed to get out. After my H and I seperated, things got physical with MM. You make it sound like I had an ongoing PA behind my H's back and threw away my M for MM. So NOT TRUE!

[PhoenixRise]

You need to make a plan with him to get your stuff back. It is WRONG WRONG WRONG to go to his house uninvited, unexpected after you have told him you wont ever contact him again.

 

If he had a key to your house how would you feel about it?

 

I would go ballistic.

 

You can knock on the door when you think he WILL be home. But you can not enter his house without his permission.

 

Doing that is a violation of his privacy and also suggests that you somehow think that you still have a right to be there. WRONG WRONG WRONG on so many levels

 

 

ETA: I had not seen your post regarding his offer. If he said it is ok, go to his house when he is not there, get your stuff, leave his stuff, and leave his key. Good Luck

 

I agree. Do not use your key to enter his house without his permission. Send him an email telling him you want your disc back and to return his property. Make it clear that all you want to talk about is the exchange of property. Suggest a neutral ground, preferable somewhere relatively public (less chance for drama that way).

 

Just don't use the notion of getting your disc back as a reason to continue contact. He may not be very willing to give them back if he thinks he can use them to his advantage.

 

If he decides to be a jerk about it don't let him use your desire to get the disc back as a way of getting power over you and your decisions.

 

As sentimental as the discs are, you may have to let them go in order to reclaim your life.

[Lyssa]

Lyssa

 

Don't mean to come off as scary.

 

I am just very passionate about some subjects -- mainly I am an advocate for children.

 

But I admit to being opinonated in my thoughts and wonder why some people don't see things my way I was an OW, never a BS; yet some like to call me a bitter BS because of my views. I just know what damage it did to me, being the OW, and how utterly foolish I was to be so dumb and naive to believe the words of a liar and a cheat. I try to impart my experience on others so they don't fall into the depths of despair I did when I walked away from a 2 year relationship with a MM.

 

I sure hope you don't mean to come off scary!

 

I'm pretty passionate when it comes to stories on this board but at times, I feel like yanking my hair out! It's clearly toxic to some of them and yet, they feel the need to save the relationship when it's clear that it is not.. saveable (is that even a word?!).

 

I tell it like it is (in my own way) and for most of the time, I tell them from my own experience. It may not be the same for others, that's for sure but I'm pretty sure what I went through - some of them can relate to them and also take a few pointers from there.

[MistyK]

ETA: I had not seen your post regarding his offer. If he said it is ok, go to his house when he is not there, get your stuff, leave his stuff, and leave his key. Good Luck

 

 

As sentimental as the discs are, you may have to let them go in order to reclaim your life.

 

I CANNOT imagine not having those discs. I owe that to my kids.

[Reggie]

Good for you. Sounds like it was a very sick, twisted relationship, what with all the dishonesty, jealousy and warped thinking on both your parts.

Now, you can take steps to heal and figure out how you got involved with such a person.

It's a good first step. Get therapy and get better.

[PhoenixRise]

I CANNOT imagine not having those discs. I owe that to my kids.

 

 

I understand. I have a child too. Those images are priceless I know. Your MM knows you feel this way too. There might not be a problem. He might make everything available to you. If he does this great. I am just saying if he starts using your understandable desire to get those disc back as a way of manipulating you guard yourself against this.

 

If he is going to be a jerk about it, showing him that you are willing to walk away from the sentimental value of the disc will make it more likely that you get them back in a timely way than dancing to his tune and allowing him to play on your emotions ever will.

 

Hopefully, It won't be a problem.

[icepop]

Misty :

 

I think you misunderstand. I don't doubt that you feel terrible guilt and pain. I am not un-empathetic to your feelings even though you feel that I am. I am empathetic to your plight. But, let's get real, ok ? And, I am on your side here. You made a mistake. You are human and lovable.

 

Now, deal with, Misty and ONLY , Misty.

 

You don't like my "tone " because now we are getting to the heart of the matter. That's what you don't like. You don't like what I have to say because it's the truth. And, affairs DO NOT like truths or facts. They do not survive scrutiny. They are FANTASIES. Now and Forever. And your little friends here would have you ignore me because they want to placate you. Sorry, I won't do that. You may not listen, but I think you want to hear me out.

 

Let's set the record straight for my account. I am not condemning you. I disagree with what you say in your description of how HE should be and YOUR reaction to it. You are rationalizing everything about this situation. That's what I disagree with in your descriptions. My surmise is that if you are truly interested in ending this, instead of complaining about what he said then you will stop all contact with him. Period. Not calling him and telling him you lunched with a co-worker to get a reaction knowing that HE thinks YOU want to have sex with every man you come across. Whether his Mom or family is sorry to see you go is immaterial. Clear that non-sense from your mind. Those are justifications to hang around.

 

Face the facts. Women KNOW men are competitive and they use this against them occasionally in relationships. You obviously know this since you claim you are so good looking and such a great catch. Confidence is a good thing. Being arrogant and indignant is not. You already defended yourself to me, when you said you would not. Quite a contradiction, nez pas ?

 

We always want what we can't have and life is not fair.

 

And,I know you're interested in what I have to say because despite your protestations, you still read my posts.

 

I read all of your posts. I still doubt that your family knows. But,let's say you are telling the unvarnished facts, here.Your credibility is at stake here and in life. So far, you have said you want to end this relationship but, I have seen no action. NO ACTION = NO CREDIBILITY. Going to lunch and then telling other man with a sigh of relief that he isn't going to call you or vice-versa is BS and YOU know it. YOU have to stop all contact at all costs. Whatever it takes, do it.

 

Now, one more thing. YOU are correct in assessing me as a BS, but you are INCORRECT for saying I am bitter. I am not bitter. I am very happy. One of the things I learned is that I was in part responsible for setting up the environment for the affair to happen. That's an honest admission. I faced up to my part for allowing the environment to exist. I could have eliminated it, but I didn't. And, I did not have a revenge affair or anything like that. I stayed true to myself and my family. And, I have a decent relationship with my ex. She is the Mother ( of sorts ) of my two sons. But, so be it. I do not condemn her.

 

Condemning me as bitter isn't going to help YOU. I don't need help.I've had my " trials and tribulations". And, I don't regret a thing. Instead, I forgave and then detached.

 

Misty, I truly know your pain and I am not trying to piss you off. I am trying to get you to think. Remove the fog and the rose colored glasses, Misty.The effects on everyone are terrible. I know this all too well. And before I go, let me cite a little statistic for you.

 

Only 3 % of affairs survive to a regular relationship. But, if he does get off the pot and chooses you, there will always be the seed of doubt about the reality of your relationship. It will surface. And, just when you don't want it too. Wanna know why ? Because he has A LOT more to lose than you do, and he knows it. And, now you do, too. Believe it.

 

As the cliche goes, If they do it with you, they'll do it to you. I almost guarantee that at some point he'll leave you as soon as the excitement is over and he knows you are his. But, he's a cake-eater, Misty. He gets the safety of home. And you as a sidebar. He's already lied to his wife. She is tolerating it ( For now ). What makes you think that at some point he won't do that with or to you ?

 

But the charade lasts as long as you give away all of your power to HIM. Simply put. You want what you can't and really shouldn't have.

 

Anyway, I made my suggestions and I do wish you well and Good Luck.