It's over; need some hand-holding....

[Chrome Barracuda]

You seem to be missing something here Chrome. He is not OM, I am OW. I've been divorced 2 years. And I'm quite sure he didn't move anyone in overnight - hell he can't even bring himself to move all the way in.

 

WTF are you talking about - lying, cheating, leaving marriage? I had an EA that caused me to realize my marriage was over and I needed to get out. After my H and I seperated, things got physical with MM. You make it sound like I had an ongoing PA behind my H's back and threw away my M for MM. So NOT TRUE!

 

Yes, You are the OW, is that all you want outta life? to be a piece on the side???

 

Youve been divorced two years and yet your EA with the same man led you to divorce so my statements wasnt so far off? now was they? You made that choice to start getting emotionally involved with another man, you left after you wanted to be with this other man because your not in control of your emotions, they are in control of you...

 

You already wanted out when you started messing around with him, right?

 

Next. you now realize that it's the end of the affair. Why do you keep hanging on? This man is still married I presume? or is he seperated, and WTF do you have a key to his house? Why would you walk into someone's home unannounced? Especially if no one is there. I tell you this you dont know what could have happened and in hindsight, was that really the wisest choice?

 

Are you gonna stop being the OW or continue going in circles? you talk about your kids but really you put your needs and wants first by focusing on this man who doesnt give a crap about you honestly. has he filed for divorce? has he introduced you to his family, his kids? What?

 

How much can you stand before you start realizing that maybe this man isnt good for you.

[jj33]

Phew. OK Im glad you can go there tonite while he is not there.

 

That must be a real relief knowing you have your childrens' things. Of course you want that back.

 

Good once that is done you can start to move forward.

[fooled once]

Chrome, I think you may have her confused with someone else....

 

Next. you now realize that it's the end of the affair. Why do you keep hanging on? This man is still married I presume? or is he seperated, and WTF do you have a key to his house? Why would you walk into someone's home unannounced? Especially if no one is there. I tell you this you dont know what could have happened and in hindsight, was that really the wisest choice?

 

She JUST ended the affair last night. How is she hanging on? It ended less than 24 hours; she hasn't even begun the grieving process. He is married/separated and lives, er rents his own place. Misty had a key to that place because HE gave her one.

 

She explained she wasn't going over there unannounced.... that he invited her to get her stuff tonight.

[Lyssa]

Misty, since he won't be around tonight and he has told you it's alright to go there while he's out - go over, take your stuff or return whatever needs to be returned then LEAVE.

 

No hanging around or leaving notes.

 

Just take what you need and leave.

 

Then start grieving, start living YOUR life.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Chrome, I think you may have her confused with someone else....

 

 

 

She JUST ended the affair last night. How is she hanging on? It ended less than 24 hours; she hasn't even begun the grieving process. He is married/separated and lives, er rents his own place. Misty had a key to that place because HE gave her one.

 

She explained she wasn't going over there unannounced.... that he invited her to get her stuff tonight.

 

I'm just going on what she said, she said she had the EA with this man while she was married and left her husband to be with him, that was her own words. not mine. i aint confused...

 

She's holding on? I dont know doesnt sound like she's letting go. Lots of hesitation on her part.

 

I truly hope that she moves on with her life.

 

People probably wonder why I'm so harsh but I'm an advocate of tough love. lol.

[hopesndreams]

Misty :

 

I think you misunderstand. I don't doubt that you feel terrible guilt and pain. I am not un-empathetic to your feelings even though you feel that I am. I am empathetic to your plight. But, let's get real, ok ? And, I am on your side here. You made a mistake. You are human and lovable.

 

Now, deal with, Misty and ONLY , Misty.

 

You don't like my "tone " because now we are getting to the heart of the matter. That's what you don't like. You don't like what I have to say because it's the truth. And, affairs DO NOT like truths or facts. They do not survive scrutiny. They are FANTASIES. Now and Forever. And your little friends here would have you ignore me because they want to placate you. Sorry, I won't do that. You may not listen, but I think you want to hear me out.

 

Let's set the record straight for my account. I am not condemning you. I disagree with what you say in your description of how HE should be and YOUR reaction to it. You are rationalizing everything about this situation. That's what I disagree with in your descriptions. My surmise is that if you are truly interested in ending this, instead of complaining about what he said then you will stop all contact with him. Period. Not calling him and telling him you lunched with a co-worker to get a reaction knowing that HE thinks YOU want to have sex with every man you come across. Whether his Mom or family is sorry to see you go is immaterial. Clear that non-sense from your mind. Those are justifications to hang around.

 

Face the facts. Women KNOW men are competitive and they use this against them occasionally in relationships. You obviously know this since you claim you are so good looking and such a great catch. Confidence is a good thing. Being arrogant and indignant is not. You already defended yourself to me, when you said you would not. Quite a contradiction, nez pas ?

 

We always want what we can't have and life is not fair.

 

And,I know you're interested in what I have to say because despite your protestations, you still read my posts.

 

I read all of your posts. I still doubt that your family knows. But,let's say you are telling the unvarnished facts, here.Your credibility is at stake here and in life. So far, you have said you want to end this relationship but, I have seen no action. NO ACTION = NO CREDIBILITY. Going to lunch and then telling other man with a sigh of relief that he isn't going to call you or vice-versa is BS and YOU know it. YOU have to stop all contact at all costs. Whatever it takes, do it.

 

Now, one more thing. YOU are correct in assessing me as a BS, but you are INCORRECT for saying I am bitter. I am not bitter. I am very happy. One of the things I learned is that I was in part responsible for setting up the environment for the affair to happen. That's an honest admission. I faced up to my part for allowing the environment to exist. I could have eliminated it, but I didn't. And, I did not have a revenge affair or anything like that. I stayed true to myself and my family. And, I have a decent relationship with my ex. She is the Mother ( of sorts ) of my two sons. But, so be it. I do not condemn her.

 

Condemning me as bitter isn't going to help YOU. I don't need help.I've had my " trials and tribulations". And, I don't regret a thing. Instead, I forgave and then detached.

 

Misty, I truly know your pain and I am not trying to piss you off. I am trying to get you to think. Remove the fog and the rose colored glasses, Misty.The effects on everyone are terrible. I know this all too well. And before I go, let me cite a little statistic for you.

 

Only 3 % of affairs survive to a regular relationship. But, if he does get off the pot and chooses you, there will always be the seed of doubt about the reality of your relationship. It will surface. And, just when you don't want it too. Wanna know why ? Because he has A LOT more to lose than you do, and he knows it. And, now you do, too. Believe it.

 

As the cliche goes, If they do it with you, they'll do it to you. I almost guarantee that at some point he'll leave you as soon as the excitement is over and he knows you are his. But, he's a cake-eater, Misty. He gets the safety of home. And you as a sidebar. He's already lied to his wife. She is tolerating it ( For now ). What makes you think that at some point he won't do that with or to you ?

 

But the charade lasts as long as you give away all of your power to HIM. Simply put. You want what you can't and really shouldn't have.

 

Anyway, I made my suggestions and I do wish you well and Good Luck.

 

Great post. Hope some of what you read here sinks in Misty. It could really help you because your views on what has been happening for the last 2 years are warped. Truth will set you free, if freedom is what you want for yourself.

[Reggie]

Yeah, Icepop nailed it. Good insights. Hope they don't fall on deaf ears.

It seems to me that the best advice is the stuff that the OW/OM's really do not want to hear. If it really bothers you, it is , generally, because on some level, it is hitting home.

[NoIDidn't]

And, I have a decent relationship with my ex. She is the Mother ( of sorts ) of my two sons. But, so be it. I do not condemn her.

 

So, icepop is a male? Wow. Doesn't write like one. Not that I have an issue with you being male, Icepop. It just helps to know the gender of those you are posting with.

 

 

I almost guarantee that at some point he'll leave you as soon as the excitement is over and he knows you are his. But, he's a cake-eater, Misty. He gets the safety of home. And you as a sidebar. He's already lied to his wife. She is tolerating it ( For now ). What makes you think that at some point he won't do that with or to you ?

 

Or he'll make her crazy enough to want to leave him.

 

He's definitely a cake-eater. He wants what is convenient for him. And if he was actually done with his BW and marriage, he wouldn't care so much about what she thinks about Misty.

[MistyK]

Icepop - it is going to fall on deaf ears because you seem to have real problem with TACT.

 

My surmise is that if you are truly interested in ending this, instead of complaining about what he said then you will stop all contact with him. Period. Not calling him and telling him you lunched with a co-worker to get a reaction knowing that HE thinks YOU want to have sex with every man you come across.

 

Everybody gets to the NC place in their own way, you seem to want to judge me for my process. NOT HELPFUL.

 

You obviously know this since you claim you are so good looking and such a great catch. Confidence is a good thing. Being arrogant and indignant is not.

 

READ MY POSTS. I never said that. I said that he said that. You are reading into things because you have a preconceived notion of me and you haven't read half of my posts, I can tell. For instance, in your initial assault, you said that I showed no regret. COMPLETELY FALSE. And As long as we're on the subject of tough love, consider for a moment that you're projecting you issues with you WS on me.

 

And what was the crap about the marriagebuilders link? Seriously - NOT intended for OW. Intended for M people. So I can only assume this was your way of trying to show me the marital holocaust pictures because you think I think all of this is ok. AGAIN, NOT HELPFUL.

[fooled once]

Quite frankly icepop, I didn't like your tone either and it doesn't hit home with me at all.

 

There is tough love and there is rudeness.

 

Two totally different things.

 

Misty has had less than 24 hours to absorb all this -- she has been making small steps that lead up to today; but to jump on her with both fists and feet isn't the way to handle someone who is fragile.

 

Chrome, I am good with harsh but I also know when to throw in a little compassion at times.

 

and wasn't it nice of hopesndreams to quote icepop's post, especially since Misty said she put that poster on ignore.....

 

and isn't it nice of icepoop to decide what Misty's family knows.

[Chrome Barracuda]

OK F.O. I'm gonna step back and see what happens, maybe she'll be compassionate and reconsider what she is doing. and how she got to where she is now.

[NoIDidn't]

Quite frankly icepop, I didn't like your tone either and it doesn't hit home with me at all.

 

There is tough love and there is rudeness.

 

Two totally different things.

 

Misty has had less than 24 hours to absorb all this -- she has been making small steps that lead up to today; but to jump on her with both fists and feet isn't the way to handle someone who is fragile.

 

Chrome, I am good with harsh but I also know when to throw in a little compassion at times.

 

and wasn't it nice of hopesndreams to quote icepop's post, especially since Misty said she put that poster on ignore.....

 

and isn't it nice of icepoop to decide what Misty's family knows.

 

I agree about the "tone" issue, but no poster here is responsible for making sure that another poster doesn't see posts they don't like.

 

You know what's not nice? Calling IcePOP, IcePOOP. You usually have really great, if not direct, posts. I hope that was a typo.

[fooled once]

Oh for heaven's sake -- yes it was a typo NoIDidn't -- sorry my typo seemed to piss you off. Granted, the "tone" and accusations of someone who isn't being in anyway helpful or compassionate didn't strike you wrote, but me writing icepoop instead of icepop did....

 

so sorry ice (there, is that better NoIDidn't) for rushing and not write your fake name right?

[fooled once]

And FWIW - I tried editing my post and got a message that I couldn't

 

This post can no longer be edited via the forum for one of three reasons:

1. In order to ensure a clear thread of discussion, only the most recent post in a thread may be altered.
   
2. Messages edited by moderators cannot be altered by the original poster.
   
3. The time limit for editing your message may have expired. You can only edit messages for 240 minutes after posting.
   

[NoIDidn't]

Oh for heaven's sake -- yes it was a typo NoIDidn't -- sorry my typo seemed to piss you off. Granted, the "tone" and accusations of someone who isn't being in anyway helpful or compassionate didn't strike you wrote, but me writing icepoop instead of icepop did....

 

so sorry ice (there, is that better NoIDidn't) for rushing and not write your fake name right?

 

Glad it was a typo. Some of us take out our anger on posters we don't like by defacing their screen names. I am guilty of it and didn't want to see you tarnish your credibility if it wasn't a typo.

 

I did say that I agreed with you about icepop's tone. Maybe you missed it.

[icepop]

Seems as though I have struck several nerves here.

 

First of all my posts were not intended to offend anyone. Particularly, Misty. I am sure that this is a very difficult time for her. I know her pain, only from a different perspective. However, to say that I am projecting my WS issues on you, is a bit like calling my dog, a cat.

 

Misty. I gave you the marriage builders board to look at and draw your own conclusions. Dr. Harley has ensured that there is a place for OW too. Please go back when you have time to look at it more objectively. It is very helpful. Please read as much as you can.

 

I am not faulting your process. I want to help ensure that you stick to your guns and get out now while the gettin's good and avoid rationalizations. I wanted to get your attention to alert you to potential land mines. You are vulnerable now. Protect you. Why ? Because I know that this could very well be the hardest thing you will ever do. I don't want you to suffer anymore or any longer than necessary.

 

I was not trying to be rude. Merely direct. You characterized my posts as an assault. In a very real way that is true. The assault was not on you. But your objective. You are on a mission now. Your mission is to clear the early debris away and set your sights on the one thing you must have.

 

Your freedom.

 

And every day you will get a little stronger. You may have set-backs. These are normal. But, don't stay too long in your set-backs, because you know you have to move ahead.

 

Misty, I can tell by the way you write that you are determined to put yourself in a better position. You are a very intelligent and brave woman and I can see that you have a workable plan. I wish you nothing but the best outcome for you and your children. You are not a pariah. You are a flesh and blood woman who is hurting.

 

If it's any consolation,know that I went through this along with countless others. Pain is pain. And the pain of a broken heart is like no other I ever knew. So, I have great empathy for you.

 

But you must press on. Be the horse with blinders. Do not look to and fro. Keep going. Be good to yourself. Be patient. Be kind when you can. Smile

and laugh. Rejoice your victories, cut your losses. But don't stay long. Keep moving forward.

 

And someday, you will look back and see how much more you have grown and how much more valuable you have become.

 

Remember, you are not alone.

 

You have us.

 

You can do this !!

 

[MistyK]

 

Misty has had less than 24 hours to absorb all this -- she has been making small steps that lead up to today; but to jump on her with both fists and feet isn't the way to handle someone who is fragile.

 

 

Thank you FO, I do feel like there were kicks delivered while I'm down.

 

Since there seems to be so much interest in what my family knows, rest assured that they aren't happy with me. They supported my divorce because they all saw the writing on that wall Waaaay before I did. But obviously they aren't going to be supportive of my self-destruction, which is what this R has been. My sister and my aunt have told me continuously that I need to end it with him (for my own sake) and they've been repeatedly frustrated by my lack of progress in that arena. My best friends have been similarly worn out by my clinging and my mom decided she wouldn't deal with me at all until I ended things with MM (she can be very judgmental). Even my xH ( and his whole family) knows of the affair and has managed to maintain mostly amicable relations with me. There was no way people weren't going to find out when my xH's cousin is married to MM's cousin. No way, no how. And, if you really must know, my best friend at the time informed my H of the EA about a month after he moved out.

[icepop]

To NOIDidn't :

 

No apology required. I understand. We're on good terms.

 

Yes ?

[icepop]

Icepop - it is going to fall on deaf ears because you seem to have real problem with TACT.

 

And what was the crap about the marriagebuilders link? Seriously - NOT intended for OW. Intended for M people. So I can only assume this was your way of trying to show me the marital holocaust pictures because you think I think all of this is ok. AGAIN, NOT HELPFUL.

 

BTW, Ya'll. Misty is NOT fragile. She sure as hell had no issues with attempting to deflect my statements. She is defensive.

 

So, Misty, I don't think the problem is with my tact. I believe that you have a problem with the truth as it pertains to reality. You have missed the dynamic. You CANNOT Have OW without married people. You oould not have read anything. It takes most people weeks to absorb the concepts on that board. So, I now conclude that you are BSing me and everyone here.

 

And your last sentence ? Regarding marital holocaust ? You're right. It's not ok. Holocaust is a VERY specific term. And in the case of your usage within the context of what I suggested, or even your situation, is OUTRAGEOUS.

 

It's the truth. Big difference there lady. If you believe the destruction of marriages because of infidelity is not instructive about what you're doing, then you are faking this whole board all to hell and gone.

 

You really seem to hate married people , Misty.

 

Oh, and BTW. I didn't read anything into your looks statement. I am convinced that you said that intentionally for more justification and self-aggrandizement.

 

What's most telling though is how you left this thread. You simply do not want to hear the reality. Your statements have nothing to do with my tact.

 

You simply want to ignore the truth. But trust me here. Sooner or later, life will reveal the truth for you and YOUR choice will have been made for you.

[Mino]

Misty :

 

I think you misunderstand. I don't doubt that you feel terrible guilt and pain. I am not un-empathetic to your feelings even though you feel that I am. I am empathetic to your plight. But, let's get real, ok ? And, I am on your side here. You made a mistake. You are human and lovable.

 

Now, deal with, Misty and ONLY , Misty.

 

You don't like my "tone " because now we are getting to the heart of the matter. That's what you don't like. You don't like what I have to say because it's the truth. And, affairs DO NOT like truths or facts. They do not survive scrutiny. They are FANTASIES. Now and Forever. And your little friends here would have you ignore me because they want to placate you. Sorry, I won't do that. You may not listen, but I think you want to hear me out.

 

Let's set the record straight for my account. I am not condemning you. I disagree with what you say in your description of how HE should be and YOUR reaction to it. You are rationalizing everything about this situation. That's what I disagree with in your descriptions. My surmise is that if you are truly interested in ending this, instead of complaining about what he said then you will stop all contact with him. Period. Not calling him and telling him you lunched with a co-worker to get a reaction knowing that HE thinks YOU want to have sex with every man you come across. Whether his Mom or family is sorry to see you go is immaterial. Clear that non-sense from your mind. Those are justifications to hang around.

 

Face the facts. Women KNOW men are competitive and they use this against them occasionally in relationships. You obviously know this since you claim you are so good looking and such a great catch. Confidence is a good thing. Being arrogant and indignant is not. You already defended yourself to me, when you said you would not. Quite a contradiction, nez pas ?

 

We always want what we can't have and life is not fair.

 

And,I know you're interested in what I have to say because despite your protestations, you still read my posts.

 

I read all of your posts. I still doubt that your family knows. But,let's say you are telling the unvarnished facts, here.Your credibility is at stake here and in life. So far, you have said you want to end this relationship but, I have seen no action. NO ACTION = NO CREDIBILITY. Going to lunch and then telling other man with a sigh of relief that he isn't going to call you or vice-versa is BS and YOU know it. YOU have to stop all contact at all costs. Whatever it takes, do it.

 

Now, one more thing. YOU are correct in assessing me as a BS, but you are INCORRECT for saying I am bitter. I am not bitter. I am very happy. One of the things I learned is that I was in part responsible for setting up the environment for the affair to happen. That's an honest admission. I faced up to my part for allowing the environment to exist. I could have eliminated it, but I didn't. And, I did not have a revenge affair or anything like that. I stayed true to myself and my family. And, I have a decent relationship with my ex. She is the Mother ( of sorts ) of my two sons. But, so be it. I do not condemn her.

 

Condemning me as bitter isn't going to help YOU. I don't need help.I've had my " trials and tribulations". And, I don't regret a thing. Instead, I forgave and then detached.

 

Misty, I truly know your pain and I am not trying to piss you off. I am trying to get you to think. Remove the fog and the rose colored glasses, Misty.The effects on everyone are terrible. I know this all too well. And before I go, let me cite a little statistic for you.

 

Only 3 % of affairs survive to a regular relationship. But, if he does get off the pot and chooses you, there will always be the seed of doubt about the reality of your relationship. It will surface. And, just when you don't want it too. Wanna know why ? Because he has A LOT more to lose than you do, and he knows it. And, now you do, too. Believe it.

 

As the cliche goes, If they do it with you, they'll do it to you. I almost guarantee that at some point he'll leave you as soon as the excitement is over and he knows you are his. But, he's a cake-eater, Misty. He gets the safety of home. And you as a sidebar. He's already lied to his wife. She is tolerating it ( For now ). What makes you think that at some point he won't do that with or to you ?

 

But the charade lasts as long as you give away all of your power to HIM. Simply put. You want what you can't and really shouldn't have.

 

Anyway, I made my suggestions and I do wish you well and Good Luck.

who are u , her father? This has to be the worst post I have read in a while. Arrogant, You say your not biiter? YOu have pure hatred in your heart, and you try to cover it up with fluff, not working well, your hatred is shinning through...

[icepop]

She JUST ended the affair last night. How is she hanging on? It ended less than 24 hours; she hasn't even begun the grieving process. He is married/separated and lives, er rents his own place. Misty had a key to that place because HE gave her one.

 

She explained she wasn't going over there unannounced.... that he invited her to get her stuff tonight.

 

More sex,lies and video tape. She did NOT end it, HE DID !!!!!!! Re-read her post.

 

He could mail all of that stuff back.Cut us a break. She is either moving on from this a**clown or she is not.

[icepop]

Oh for heaven's sake -- yes it was a typo NoIDidn't -- sorry my typo seemed to piss you off. Granted, the "tone" and accusations of someone who isn't being in anyway helpful or compassionate didn't strike you wrote, but me writing icepoop instead of icepop did....

 

so sorry ice (there, is that better NoIDidn't) for rushing and not write your fake name right?

 

no worse than not writing your fake name improperly either. Besides, since I have tact. I prefer to call my fake name a Nom de plume. That would be Francois for fake name....lmao...too much.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

.

 

What's most telling though is how you left this thread. You simply do not want to hear the reality. Your statements have nothing to do with my tact.

 

You simply want to ignore the truth. But trust me here. Sooner or later, life will reveal the truth for you and YOUR choice will have been made for you.

 

Why do so many people assume this is the worst thing that could happen? Maybe it has to get to this point for some people. Maybe it's not as devastating as it seems. It just happens later than sooner.

[Mino]

Seems as though I have struck several nerves here.

 

First of all my posts were not intended to offend anyone. Particularly, Misty. I am sure that this is a very difficult time for her. I know her pain, only from a different perspective. However, to say that I am projecting my WS issues on you, is a bit like calling my dog, a cat.

 

Misty. I gave you the marriage builders board to look at and draw your own conclusions. Dr. Harley has ensured that there is a place for OW too. Please go back when you have time to look at it more objectively. It is very helpful. Please read as much as you can.

 

I am not faulting your process. I want to help ensure that you stick to your guns and get out now while the gettin's good and avoid rationalizations. I wanted to get your attention to alert you to potential land mines. You are vulnerable now. Protect you. Why ? Because I know that this could very well be the hardest thing you will ever do. I don't want you to suffer anymore or any longer than necessary.

 

I was not trying to be rude. Merely direct. You characterized my posts as an assault. In a very real way that is true. The assault was not on you. But your objective. You are on a mission now. Your mission is to clear the early debris away and set your sights on the one thing you must have.

 

Your freedom.

 

And every day you will get a little stronger. You may have set-backs. These are normal. But, don't stay too long in your set-backs, because you know you have to move ahead.

 

Misty, I can tell by the way you write that you are determined to put yourself in a better position. You are a very intelligent and brave woman and I can see that you have a workable plan. I wish you nothing but the best outcome for you and your children. You are not a pariah. You are a flesh and blood woman who is hurting.

 

If it's any consolation,know that I went through this along with countless others. Pain is pain. And the pain of a broken heart is like no other I ever knew. So, I have great empathy for you.

 

But you must press on. Be the horse with blinders. Do not look to and fro. Keep going. Be good to yourself. Be patient. Be kind when you can. Smile

and laugh. Rejoice your victories, cut your losses. But don't stay long. Keep moving forward.

 

And someday, you will look back and see how much more you have grown and how much more valuable you have become.

 

Remember, you are not alone.

 

You have us.

 

You can do this !!

 

well, thats more like it, so you can be nice and helpful at the same time,

[tami-chan]

Hi Misty! wow...congratulations on taking THE step! It can be a long road to healing...do you think you need an "NC friend"?-someone who will be there to firmly remind you "you have made the decision to end the relationship and there will be no more contact"? I have an NC friend and sometimes when I am tempted to respond to xOM's attempt to communicate with me...I rush and reach out to my friend and I am grounded again.

 

Anyway, be strong...many are routing for you!