tojaz Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Thanks Tojaz. Does anyone else feel like this? Everyone thought my ex was a great guy, now after what he did most don't, but because I and others thought he was a good person I feel sometimes by him not loving me anymore, it makes me feel somehow worthless. I felt proud that he could love me, now he doesn't I feel that somehow it reflects badly on me. Does that make sense? I know my own worth should not be measured of defined by someone else, but I can't help feeling this way sometimes. It's like why am I not good enough for him to love me? Lisa, the question is, why isn't HE good enough to love you. You cannot define yourself by the person your with. If you can look yourself in the eye and say that you wher the best girlfriend, fiance, person in general that you could be, then what else do you want? If your best wasn't good enough for him then to hell with him. I feel bad for thinking this way. My friend said to me today (I hadn't mentioned this), that he was not deserving of my love. I know she speaks sense, yet I still feel why am I not worthy of his love? Does anyone else have these thoughts/feelings or am I just sinking here into the pit of rejection? I'm sure every one of us feels that way every once in awhile, it's only natural, yet you can't let it rule your life, It's a great big world out there, you will find the right one, someone who deserves your love. TOJAZ
Author LisaUk Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 Thank you all of you for your responses, I don't feel that way often, but sometimes. I know you are all right, after all he is the one who walked.
lupa Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Thank you all of you for your responses, I don't feel that way often, but sometimes. I know you are all right, after all he is the one who walked. I know how you feel...mine walked, too. I felt so inadequate at first, but then I looked at it as an opportunity to improve some things about myself. In the end I'll know she blew it, because I am willing to get better every day, and quite frankly if you can't be satisfied with someone who will TRY on your behalf, then you don't deserve that person. Basically what I'm saying is that regardless of the reason the person left, the fact that they won't stick it out says volumes about their character...ie, they have none. They are therefore not deserving of YOUR love. I can love an incomplete person, as long as they are taking the journey to completeness with me. If they aren't going to try, then screw it, I've got to find someone who can.
Author LisaUk Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 I know how you feel...mine walked, too. I felt so inadequate at first, but then I looked at it as an opportunity to improve some things about myself. In the end I'll know she blew it, because I am willing to get better every day, and quite frankly if you can't be satisfied with someone who will TRY on your behalf, then you don't deserve that person. Basically what I'm saying is that regardless of the reason the person left, the fact that they won't stick it out says volumes about their character...ie, they have none. They are therefore not deserving of YOUR love. I can love an incomplete person, as long as they are taking the journey to completeness with me. If they aren't going to try, then screw it, I've got to find someone who can. Thanks Lupa, you are right it does say more about his character than mine. I read something you put in your thread about your wife chasing a dream, that's my ex's problem partly too. He thinks he is going to find someone perfect, a perfect, faultless, flaw free relationship. So what's he going to do when he doesn't find it, we all know he can't resolve conflict, what's the bet he bails???????????
tojaz Posted July 16, 2009 Posted July 16, 2009 Thanks Lupa, you are right it does say more about his character than mine. I read something you put in your thread about your wife chasing a dream, that's my ex's problem partly too. He thinks he is going to find someone perfect, a perfect, faultless, flaw free relationship. So what's he going to do when he doesn't find it, we all know he can't resolve conflict, what's the bet he bails??????????? THIS DOSEN'T EXSIST!! Relation ships, and marriage take work, commitment every day, and compromise. Everyone wants perfect, but everyone has a different opinion of perfect. So a perfect relationship cannot exsist. Let him chase his tail! P.S. I like the new avatar TOJAZ
Author LisaUk Posted July 16, 2009 Author Posted July 16, 2009 THIS DOSEN'T EXSIST!! Relation ships, and marriage take work, commitment every day, and compromise. Everyone wants perfect, but everyone has a different opinion of perfect. So a perfect relationship cannot exsist. Let him chase his tail! P.S. I like the new avatar TOJAZ Thanks Tojaz, yes he can chase his own tail!
tojaz Posted July 17, 2009 Posted July 17, 2009 Just saw you are established now. I knew it wasn't going to be too long. I'll have to send you a PM to try it out. TOJAZ
Author LisaUk Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Well, I can hardly believe I posted that rubbish the other day about me not being good enough for him! Anyone that can do what he has done, just walk out on 18 years without a bye or leave, without any concept of what they are doing to another person, without trying, acting like they had been dating you for a few months saying he doesn't think we are compatbale? Well, need I go on? He isn't good enough for me, not by a long chalk. I did not do something terrible to him, I didn't cheat, I wasn't abusive and I didn't deserve to be treated this way. Don't let the door hit you on the a$$ on the way out *********. For the first time since this happened, I REALLY mean that! A change has occured within me the last week, don't know why, don't know if it will continue, but I hope so.
Gunny376 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Well, I can hardly believe I posted that rubbish the other day about me not being good enough for him! Anyone that can do what he has done, just walk out on 18 years without a bye or leave, without any concept of what they are doing to another person, without trying, acting like they had been dating you for a few months saying he doesn't think we are compatbale? Well, need I go on? He isn't good enough for me, not by a long chalk. I did not do something terrible to him, I didn't cheat, I wasn't abusive and I didn't deserve to be treated this way. Don't let the door hit you on the a$$ on the way out *********. For the first time since this happened, I REALLY mean that! A change has occured within me the last week, don't know why, don't know if it will continue, but I hope so. OoooooRaaahhh! Get some! About time you got yourself an attitude! BTW! You can put your shoes under my bed anytime!
Author LisaUk Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 OoooooRaaahhh! Get some! About time you got yourself an attitude! BTW! You can put your shoes under my bed anytime! Thanks for the compliment! LOL I saw your post on MayI thread! I added you to my contacts if you want to put a face to my name?!
Author LisaUk Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Well, attitude still intact today. Long may it continue. I have come to realise that my ex has lost way more than I have. I don't mean that in a narcissist kind of way, just that I know he had someone who loved him and who would have done all it took to work things out. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy. He walked, so really what exactly did I lose? I lost someone who couldn't commit, someone who cared more for themself, someone who avoided conflict at any cost, someone who is incapable of adult relationship, someone who has stars in their eyes and thinks the grass is greener. I lost nothing, I gained everything, I gained the possibility of spending my life with someone who truely cares for me the way I deserve to be loved.
lupa Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Well, attitude still intact today. Long may it continue. I have come to realise that my ex has lost way more than I have. I don't mean that in a narcissist kind of way, just that I know he had someone who loved him and who would have done all it took to work things out. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy. He walked, so really what exactly did I lose? I lost someone who couldn't commit, someone who cared more for themself, someone who avoided conflict at any cost, someone who is incapable of adult relationship, someone who has stars in their eyes and thinks the grass is greener. I lost nothing, I gained everything, I gained the possibility of spending my life with someone who truely cares for me the way I deserve to be loved. There should be an applause smiley, there really should. I hope you can keep up the good feeling, lis! I'm on the anger thing right now, and I'm all fired up. You and me, together, walking away (with me turning around and making some kind of obscene gesture). Let's go!
delajoonal Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 lisaUK, i have been trying to catch up on your posts...it seems our stories are nearly identical... my H walked out without a reason, a bye, nothing...5 months later...still have NO reason...i too have spent months trying to figure HIM out...when i need to just start figuring out what I AM going to do with my life now... but...i am sorry to say, i am NOT where you are...it seems i had more gump and attitude 4 months ago, then i do now...? like i said in another post tho..i think now that i have moved to my own apt. turned my cell off for 5 days now...i am going thru some kind of after shock grieving process??? not sure what it is....but i sure wish i could get the attitude you have for your H ..LOL...my therapists says i NEED TO GET REALLY ANGRY! why can't i...? i just keep crying and for the life of me..that is ALL i can remember is the good times...not the bad times....what the heck is that all about? is anyone else doing that too???? just thinking of the good time and just can't think of anything bad at this point in their break up/separation/divorce? am i just a sappy nostalgic mess..LOL
delajoonal Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 lisaUK...P.S.....it seems we have alot alot in common...our H's could be the same man..LOL..really, mine was/is just completely void at times..avoiding conflict, as you stated, has no clue how to be in an adult relationship...i mean I DID EVERYTHING...all the finances, the moving, ALL the HEAVY decision making, i.e. our son, job moves, money, large purchases, etc...i even did all the holiday and birthday stuff for HIS FAMILY! i bought the gifts, wrapped them, even gave the parties, etc.... looking back now...it seems he did nothing really accept bring home a pay check and sit on his computer:( see, this forum is amazing...i am learning more about myself and my marriage through all your posts:) thank you again all for being her!
Author LisaUk Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Delajoonal, quick run down of my story for you, save you wading through all the pages- My ex and I were not married he left me 10 months before our wedding Together 18 years form age 15 Lived together 10 years Engaged 8 years (and there is the reason right there, commitment problems!) Anyway, someone said to me the reason I found it so hard to get to grips with what happened is because when there is no reason given that actually makes sense, it is like you have lost someone to death but they are missing presumed dead. What I mean is when someone goes missing, after a while you know they are probaly dead, they are declared dead, BUT, you never have the answers as to what really happened. That is why you are finding it hard, to you, your H is still the loving man you loved, you can't stop crying because you ache for him.
Author LisaUk Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 There should be an applause smiley, there really should. I hope you can keep up the good feeling, lis! I'm on the anger thing right now, and I'm all fired up. You and me, together, walking away (with me turning around and making some kind of obscene gesture). Let's go! Thanks Lupa, I really hope it continues. I would join you in the obscene gesture but to be honest, I wouldn't waste my energy on him now. But, I will walk away with you.
delajoonal Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 lisaUK... you hit the nail on the head...that is exacly IT....also i think i am aching and sad for the memories...i just want to go back and make IT all right...but like you said, it is as if H is dead:( i bang my head against that proverbial wall daily..trying to figure out WHY he did this..and IT was so fast, i mean literally saying "i love you have a nice day sweetie" to the next day, shut up you stupid bi***.....wha????? its as tho he was taken over by some alien being or entity..LOL..not funny, but you know what i mean right? so this is what i do everyday..and everyday everyone (friends and family) tell me to STOP and just concentrate on myself and healing...well how can anyone heal when there was NO GOOD BYE...NO closure??? right? lisaUK, you get it right? geesh, did any of that make any sense?...sorry.LOL
Author LisaUk Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 Hi Dela Yes that made sense to me. I know how you feel, it's like invasion of the body snatches. People kept saying to me, you will never know why he has done this, stop going over it, stop trying to figure it out, you never will. But like you said, how can you move on without some closure? Well, I found coming on here and reading posts and posting has helped me a lot. Then Tojaz suggested I did some reading, looked at the signs of a gradual deteriation of a long term relationship. I did this (there is plenty of info on the internet about this), I went over our relationship bearing these red flags in mind. I found not one of them was there, even looking back. In doing so, I also found that my ex had been a constant liar throughout our relationship, that he had a problem with conflict and also a problem with commitment. In addition, the more I went over the past and the more research I did, the more I became aware that he is in crisis. That he is projecting his own issues and faults onto me and that although I was not perfect, by any means, I did not deserve this and it is HIM that the problem lies with. He choose to walk away, literally, no chance for me to work on anything with him. I don't need someone like that in my life, I want someone who will whether the storms of life with me, who remembers why they fell in love with me in the first place and realises that maintaining that feeling and a relationship takes hard work and dedication. Nothing in life comes easy and he is searching for the "perfect relationship", he will be searching for a long time, because it doe not exist. He could have a good life with me, with someone who loved him and would have gone the course and worked with him. Instead he has choosen to chase a dream, a fantasy. My advice to you Dela is to try and piece together what went wrong, look at your marriage and see if and how you played a part in its breakdown and how your H played a part in its breakdown. Did you look at that website I gave you a link to? It seems to me from what you have posted that he may well be exhibiting some of the signs of midlife?
delajoonal Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 lis.... thank you so much for this recent post! i have gotten ALOT out of it...i have been journaling for YEARS...so over the past few months, i have gone back as far as 4 years..and found some deteriation started back then...but NOTHING that we couldn't work thru..we always communicated and worked thru everything...we never cheated or even thought of it...we never lied to each other either...but he did become addicted to a computer game several years ago...and that goes back nearly 8 years...so maybe IT started than..as his computer became HIS END OF THE DAY, instead of me anymore...make sense? can you post the website for me again? the midlife one? but ya, i am starting to realize IT IS ALL HIM...i was kind and loving, willing to do anything to keep US together....weird..he was literally dr. jekyll/mr. hyde... he started lying OMG the lies...and so transparent, he was like a child, even his vocab was so remedial, like he had regressed back to junior high...he lost weight he did not need to...now looking back on that part, i think he simply was/is so stressed about what pain and devastation he has caused me, IT is eating him up and therefore he cannot eat?....from what i have gathered from friends and family and even him...he says i am a good person and do not deserve anything bad , and i should be with a man that is better than him??? so, there you have it..i am still baffeled...because up until i started NC last week, he was calling me names and yelling at me until i would fall to my knees in tears and pain...omg! the pain in my heart... anyway,..i am so glad you get it..but then again i am SORRY you get it, cause that means you are hurting too:( thank you again lis!
Author LisaUk Posted July 22, 2009 Author Posted July 22, 2009 Here's the link www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com What you just said in your post about him regreesing to junior high, that's in keeping with midlife, as is his losing weight, was he depressed? Also the name calling, aggression, also in keeping. Has he been very contradictory in the things he said and his behaviour towards the end? When you read the site, think about the things he has said to you that made you cry. Take a look at it, if it deosn't seem to describe his behaviour then at least it is a strating point for you.
Author LisaUk Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 OMG, if I have to fill out one more job application! Don't these people realise I have been jilted, how much more rejection can one person take? Do I really need to spend my days explaining how my degree in Psychology relates to being able to conduct staistical analyais and write reports on data. Or, how exactly I would deal with a verbally abusive paitent! ARRRRARRRARRARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
lupa Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 OMG, if I have to fill out one more job application! Don't these people realise I have been jilted, how much more rejection can one person take? Do I really need to spend my days explaining how my degree in Psychology relates to being able to conduct staistical analyais and write reports on data. Or, how exactly I would deal with a verbally abusive paitent! ARRRRARRRARRARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'm sorry you can't find a job right now, but I don't doubt that you will. I couldn't imagine how much you are going through with everything all at once. I'm pulling for you!
Author LisaUk Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 I'm sorry you can't find a job right now, but I don't doubt that you will. I couldn't imagine how much you are going through with everything all at once. I'm pulling for you! Thanks Lupa, I just had to let that out! I'm just sick of saying the same c**p over and over again in every application, just worded a little differrent to meet their criteria. It's hard, but I am determined!
delajoonal Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 im with you lis...no job right now either, but i am also going thru medical treatments too, that keep me from working right now..which i am SURE is adding to my depression and over all emptiness...a job is really a God send and anyone that has one right now, please be very thankful...cause it is a reason to get up everyday and pass this cruddy time and eventually get your mind off of all the sad divorce stuff we are all going thru...i cant even get into my hobbies rgiht now...i have tried, its just NOT there...my doc says its prolly better to NOT do my fav hobby, cause it will only remind me of the pain i am going thru and associate IT with all this divorce crud... and that hobby should make me happy, etc.... either way, i can't do it anyway:(
Gunny376 Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 There should be an applause smiley, there really should. There is! Though seldom used? The applause smiley here at LS has traditionally been,...................... Sock bunnies! :bunny::bunny::bunny: The more used? The greater the applause!
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