I get it!

[delajoonal]

hey PWS....

 

we LOVE YOUR 2 cents...LOL...welcome anytime in my book:)

 

p.s. good to see you!

[tojaz]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Of that I am sure (well, as sure as I can be LOL). It is time, I have decided, to start thinking about me and stop thinking about what has and is going on in his Commitmentphobic psyche. Due to his Houdini style exit, I have done nothing but question myself and what I KNOW to be the reality of our relationship, I even question whether he is CP, even now, even though it is blindingly obvious to anyone with half a brain.

 

All part and parcel of the way he left, the way he twisted everything to rationalize his own commitment conflicts, according to the book.

 

Enough is enough. This man caused me indescribable pain. This man put me on the street with no job and no income. This man made me question myself and my own character. This man made me an escapegoat to justify his own problems. This man was cruel to me. This man has CP. This man is a COWARD.

 

Time for me to keep remembering this, time for me to accept that I cannot and will not ever take him back, time for me to put me first and to self preserve.

 

Wow Lisa,

What a turn around!!! :bunny::bunny::laugh::bunny::bunny: I'll probably write you something direct, but this is about the happiest post I've read from you in ahile. Mind telling us how it's done!

TOJAZ

[2.50 a gallon]

Lisa

 

Have you figured out that you were playing his game by his rules. You never had a chance, not only did you not know the rules, but once you figured them out he would have changed them, He treated you cruelly. CP or not, there is no excuse. He is a little boy in a man's body

 

You might not be able to see it, but from your posts, others can see that you are a very special woman and deserve much better. Women like you do not grow on trees. You deserve a real man who can share that great love that you have within.

 

Look at how much you have grown. Six months ago you were a self described stay at home wife. And now you have new friends from around the world. It would not surprise me, if some of them would say, "If you are ever in Sheboygon, look me up" And you are possibly going to law school. You have out grown him

[LisaUk]

Lisa

 

Have you figured out that you were playing his game by his rules. You never had a chance, not only did you not know the rules, but once you figured them out he would have changed them, He treated you cruelly. CP or not, there is no excuse. He is a little boy in a man's body

 

You might not be able to see it, but from your posts, others can see that you are a very special woman and deserve much better. Women like you do not grow on trees. You deserve a real man who can share that great love that you have within.

 

Look at how much you have grown. Six months ago you were a self described stay at home wife. And now you have new friends from around the world. It would not surprise me, if some of them would say, "If you are ever in Sheboygon, look me up" And you are possibly going to law school. You have out grown him

 

Thank you Gallon, I had such a bad night, very viivd dreams, in which he was enjoying playing with my emotions, getting a kick out of reeling me in again and then backing off again. Your post came at a time it was needed, thank you.

 

I don't think he knows he has CP, I know he is in counselling, but I just found out (long story), that his counsellor is bogus, she isn't properly qualified and makes it sound like she is regulated by the correct body on her website, but she isn't, I checked! There are no laws here regarding this, so I can't report her.

 

I feel like I should let my ex know, I don't like the thought of anyone being "treated" by someone who doesn't know what they are doing, but that would be a bad idea right? He will just think I am interferring? What do I do?

[LisaUk]

Gallon, perhaps you can help me with this. See the cruelty bit is the bit I have trouble accepting, if he is CP but doesn't know he is CP, thinks I am the problem, then how has he been cruel?

[silverfish]

Lisa it's good to see you sounding more positive...

 

Don't try and analyse too much on why he behaved the way he did. You won't get anywhere because as you know, it's up to him to sort himself out.

If his therapist is bogus, it's up to him to work it out. Maybe the process of getting ripped off by someone and having to deal with that anger and disappointment without YOU there to hold his hand and tidy up the mess will be a good life experience for him.

This might sound mean, but I tried to help my ex many times and it always backfired on me. He hated me for doing it. He rebelled against it, he was mean, rude, cruel, argumentative. If you get involved he'll try and convince you it's you who has the problem not him.

I was looking at a website on Narcissistic Personality Disorder once (it was uncanny). My ex saw me looking at it, read it, and spent the next year telling me that I had it. I even started to believe it myself after a while...

Try and do some stuff to distract yourself (Watch Big Brother? Get into test match cricket??!). I hope you decide not to contact him, I have a feeling it would upset you.

[lupa]

Lis, I'd hate to see you get stuck with paralysis by analysis, you know? At some point you have to accept that you understand all that you can (commitment-phobe) and there is nothing you can do to change that.

 

I like the cricket idea...that is one sport i've never actually watched at all. I've even watched curling...

[LisaUk]

Lisa it's good to see you sounding more positive...

 

Don't try and analyse too much on why he behaved the way he did. You won't get anywhere because as you know, it's up to him to sort himself out.

If his therapist is bogus, it's up to him to work it out. Maybe the process of getting ripped off by someone and having to deal with that anger and disappointment without YOU there to hold his hand and tidy up the mess will be a good life experience for him.

This might sound mean, but I tried to help my ex many times and it always backfired on me. He hated me for doing it. He rebelled against it, he was mean, rude, cruel, argumentative. If you get involved he'll try and convince you it's you who has the problem not him.

I was looking at a website on Narcissistic Personality Disorder once (it was uncanny). My ex saw me looking at it, read it, and spent the next year telling me that I had it. I even started to believe it myself after a while...

Try and do some stuff to distract yourself (Watch Big Brother? Get into test match cricket??!). I hope you decide not to contact him, I have a feeling it would upset you.

 

Hi Silverfish, thanks for checking in and replying. Don't worry, I'm not going to contact him. Tojaz pointed out to me the same as you, it is his responsiblity to check his therapists qualifications, if he hasn't done this (which he obviously hasn't), that's his look out. You are right he would only upset me and take my advice the wrong way anyway.

[LisaUk]

Lis, I'd hate to see you get stuck with paralysis by analysis, you know? At some point you have to accept that you understand all that you can (commitment-phobe) and there is nothing you can do to change that.

 

I like the cricket idea...that is one sport i've never actually watched at all. I've even watched curling...

 

Lupa, you ain't missing much! LOL Personally I find cricket a bit like watching paint dry!

 

Silverfish, I get the point though and welcome your suggestions. Thank you.

[MrMayI]

Lisa, i've hardly been around, but i've thought of you. i hope you're still continually getting stronger. i am weakening again, unfortunately. sometimes i envy those with so much distance between them and the walkaway spouse.

[silverfish]

Hey I like watching paint dry! I never used to like cricket but it's sort of grown on me now...

 

I had a hard time getting into a routine once I was on my own. I used to stay up really late, sleep a lot, go for days without seeing people... I still do sometimes.

That made me feel a lot worse than being at work, around people... just having to get up & be somewhere at a certain time made me feel like I had a purpose. Maybe you should do this college course. If you don't like it you can always do something else. There are lots of jobs being advertised for ski season work this winter too. You don't earn much but it's a laugh. If I didn't have my kids to think about I probably would have run away to sea or something.

Maybe try and give yourself a couple of years to do something you never would have thought of doing before - you're not too old to go back to your dreams and try and make them happen

[LisaUk]

Thanks Silverfish, I sure do feel old though! LOL

 

I don't know what to do yet, this has all been such an upheaval in every sense, not just him, but my home, my friends, my whole way of life. One on it's own would have been bad enough, but all of it?! Just goes to show just how cruel he is, 18 years and he doesn't even give me a chance to work anything out. Then again, he wouldn't as a CP would he? Because then if I worked it out with him, he wouldn't have an excuse to leave!

 

I noticed you are in Cornwall, I'm just up the road, so to speak, Devon! Rubbish whether we are having isn't it? I'm not surprised you are watching the cricket! LOL

[2.50 a gallon]

Lisa

 

In reading your posts for 18 years

 

He led you on in to believing that the two of you had a future.

 

He let you channel you personal growth (Education / Career) into his own future

 

He let you build an emotional album of memories (Christmas, birthdays) in your home. It might be his house now but it he lead you to believe that it was yours and his home

 

I could go on. The point is, did he ever give you a hint that there were major problems in your R? From what I have read, it was "Out of the House" and "Off with her head" With no chance of reaching an understanding

 

Now he is seeing a counselor, is it for his personal growth, or is it for his personal justification?

[tojaz]

Lisa, i think the point everyone is trying to make is that id dosen't matter if he is C-P, or M-L-C, from my angle he is just A-S-S and probably soon to be S-O-L! The longer you torment yourself with trying to figure out why, the longer it will take to heal! Don't torture yourself anymore! Remember what I said about Karma, you have so many great things coming your way, but your never going to see them if you keep burying yourself under his mess.

TOJAZ

[silverfish]

Yes I am just down the line from you! The weather is rubbish but I'm working so much in the tourist season I'm sort of relieved it's not too hot...

Just wondered why you moved away from everyone - did you feel you had to? Luckily my ex ran away far from here after the whole thing happened but he still likes to keep his fingers in the pie so to speak with my friends and even neighbours.

I read this the other day http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

 

I still obsess a bit about what happened to us - I find it hard not to as I still see him regularly because of the kids. I found the article quite helpful for myself as this is obviously a 'type' that he conforms to. I think it's been more useful to me to try and work out why I put up with all that shyte for so long rather than why he behaved the way he did.

[silverfish]

argh...try again with that link

 

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

[LisaUk]

Lisa

 

In reading your posts for 18 years

 

He led you on in to believing that the two of you had a future.

 

He let you channel you personal growth (Education / Career) into his own future

 

He let you build an emotional album of memories (Christmas, birthdays) in your home. It might be his house now but it he lead you to believe that it was yours and his home

 

I could go on. The point is, did he ever give you a hint that there were major problems in your R? From what I have read, it was "Out of the House" and "Off with her head" With no chance of reaching an understanding

 

Now he is seeing a counselor, is it for his personal growth, or is it for his personal justification?

 

Hi Gallon,

 

Yes, he did more than lead me to believe we had a future, we had talked marriage from when we had been together 1 year onwards, then he proposed, that home was our third home together, we even did a big renovation project on the previous one to move up the property ladder. When we bought the last house, we discussed how we would stay there for the next 10-15 years. We just had a brand new kitchen fitted in the house 4 weeks before he left. We had joint accounts and joint morgage, yet he never set the date, always giving a plausible excuse.

 

We argued like every couple does from time to time, but I was not aware of any major issue, I always thought we had reached a compromise. (The children issue I now know for certain was an excuse, he admitted it to me the last time I spoke to him, before NC).

 

It was very much "get out", there was no chance to resolve anything, I asked him to come back and try with MC for a few months, he said he was "too scared", I asked what of, he said "getting into a situation where I can't finish with you again".

 

I get your point, cruel.

Thank you for pointing it out to me, I really appreciate your posts, you give me so much insight and help.

[2.50 a gallon]

Lisa

 

Is a country & western song, in which he describes meeting his ex on the street with another and how the old feelings come rushing back

 

It is something that I never see mentioned in these threads

 

It is something that you should think about and prepare yourself for, what do you do when you see him again. I do not mean to give you false hope that he might come rushing back, but just in case he does, be prepared to be the new you.

 

You think you are safe by moving 200 miles away and you think the chances are slim. But one never knows when you might cross paths again, especially when you least expect it. And as the song says it can hurt like H and put you back to square one

 

It happened to me several times

 

Lupa has just crossed paths with a girl from high school

 

My high school crush, was a short shy, very religious, I got one kiss, her first. Her religious (no dancing / card playing / drinking / girls don't go to college) parents forbade her from ever seeing me again. Last I heard she was dating a man from her own religion. I figured she spent her life raising his kids and going to church

 

Fast forward 15 years, I am living on the left coast, and I now know she was living in Atlanta, we went to high school in the desert southwest. I get off a plane in Omaha and notice this striking tall beautiful flight attendant walking beside me with the rest of her flight crew. It sure looked like a taller version of her. 25 years later, I find out all I had to do was say "Jill is that you?" And we would have had a drink and I probably would have gotten that second kiss.

 

The point being it happens when you least expect it. Be ready to roll with the punches

[LisaUk]

Gallon, there is every chance of running into him at some point, his parents live just 15 mins up the road!

 

Can I ask why you mentionned this?

[LisaUk]

Lisa, i think the point everyone is trying to make is that id dosen't matter if he is C-P, or M-L-C, from my angle he is just A-S-S and probably soon to be S-O-L! The longer you torment yourself with trying to figure out why, the longer it will take to heal! Don't torture yourself anymore! Remember what I said about Karma, you have so many great things coming your way, but your never going to see them if you keep burying yourself under his mess.

TOJAZ

 

Hi Tojaz

 

I know, I do, but I can't stop, he left so abrubtly at the height of our relationship, we were getting married, it just boggles my mind. One min we are sitting having a cup of tea with the Vicar, the next he is telling me he hasn't loved me in years and I am a controlling personality who made him unhappy, then the next he's saying he does still love me and he might change his mind, that I am a good caring person. I mean WTF!

 

I'm like a b****y dog with a bone, I know it's doing me no good.

 

The book helped, I know he was CP, it even says that I will continue to question it because of the way he left and the way he twisted everything. It's as if he is denying our whole relationship existed. That's the only way I can explain this. He wouldn't even meet me or talk to me on the phone to explain why he did this. I had to beg for an explanation if I got an opportunity when I called/he called about legal stuff. If I got upset or if I asked too much (in his mind) he would say if I didn't stop he would hang up.

 

I tried e-mail to try and ask for a reason, he couldn't even put Dear Lisa, it was Lisa ................... His name. It wasn't even like I was trying to get him back, I didn't even know why he had gone.

 

Urghh, I have to stop.

[LisaUk]

Yes I am just down the line from you! The weather is rubbish but I'm working so much in the tourist season I'm sort of relieved it's not too hot...

Just wondered why you moved away from everyone - did you feel you had to? Luckily my ex ran away far from here after the whole thing happened but he still likes to keep his fingers in the pie so to speak with my friends and even neighbours.

I read this the other day http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

 

I still obsess a bit about what happened to us - I find it hard not to as I still see him regularly because of the kids. I found the article quite helpful for myself as this is obviously a 'type' that he conforms to. I think it's been more useful to me to try and work out why I put up with all that shyte for so long rather than why he behaved the way he did.

 

Hi Silverfish

 

I moved away because he basically chucked me out of the house, I could not afford to buy him out, he could. I had been a housewife for the last seven years, I have no job so I had no choice but to move back with my parents. I wish I could have stayed in my home, with my friends around me. I am fortunate that I have a couple of old school friends here, but London was my home, I went to uni there and then lived there with him for 10 years. I couldn't even bring any of my furniture and most of my personnal belongings had to go to charity, as I had no where to store them. I couldn't even keep things like Christmas decorations.

 

I have seen that website before, he wasn't overtly nasty or controlling, that's the hard part, he was alwasy loving, kind, caring, it was such a shock that he did what he did.

 

Can I ask what happened with your H?

[tojaz]

Hi Tojaz

I'm like a b****y dog with a bone, I know it's doing me no good.

 

 

Lisa, tell me this.

If you knew everything, the whys and the hows, would you still miss him? Would you still hurt?

 

Look at all the poor souls here who know about the OM or the OW. Or have been hit and abused by their SO. They still hurt, they still miss. They still have a hard time letting go.

 

Your just prolonging the pain. I did this. I read all the get back together books I could find, and I felt good, I had a plan and it seemed it would work. It didn't and I fell deeper in the hole. I still backslide, had a doozy last night thats still got me shaken. The point is it's hard enough when youre ready to let go. The triggers are everywhere, traps and pitfalls to fall into. Thats a road you have to go down, the analysis paralysis is a road you chose.

 

Quit torturing yourself sweetie

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Lisa, tell me this.

If you knew everything, the whys and the hows, would you still miss him? Would you still hurt?

 

Look at all the poor souls here who know about the OM or the OW. Or have been hit and abused by their SO. They still hurt, they still miss. They still have a hard time letting go.

 

Your just prolonging the pain. I did this. I read all the get back together books I could find, and I felt good, I had a plan and it seemed it would work. It didn't and I fell deeper in the hole. I still backslide, had a doozy last night thats still got me shaken. The point is it's hard enough when youre ready to let go. The triggers are everywhere, traps and pitfalls to fall into. Thats a road you have to go down, the analysis paralysis is a road you chose.

 

Quit torturing yourself sweetie

TOJAZ

 

I can see why it looks like I want to know so I can get him back, but it isn't that. I want to know for my own peace of mind, I want to know that I didn't hurt another human being, I want to know so I can not hate myself, so I can move on with my life and find happiness and hopefully someone else, I can't do that if I have a problem with me. I can't do that if I caused this, like he says, if I hurt someone I have to know how and why I caused him pain so I never do it again, to anyone.

[tojaz]

I can see why it looks like I want to know so I can get him back, but it isn't that. I want to know for my own peace of mind, I want to know that I didn't hurt another human being, I want to know so I can not hate myself, so I can move on with my life and find happiness and hopefully someone else, I can't do that if I have a problem with me. I can't do that if I caused this, like he says, if I hurt someone I have to know how and why I caused him pain so I never do it again, to anyone.

 

I didn't mean it was because you wanted him back. Read your posts before the analyzing started! He did this, not you. Hes shifting the blame onto you to soothe his own ego and guilt. Your helping him do it. Don't believe his crap! You will find happiness and you will find someone else, someone more deserving of a girl like you, but you have to be open to that first. You won't let yourself be happy if your believing his explanations and blaming yourself. You've said that many times to me, take your own advice!!

TOJAZ

TOJAZ

[PWSX3]

Sure it takes two people to make a marriage work & it takes two people to break a marriage but that doesn't mean it is a 50-50 split. We all have our faults but that doesn't mean you/me were the bad people.....Like in your situation he just doesn't care anymore, he has other plans in "his" head & they just don't include you.

 

I really beat myself up in the beginning because my former wife told me it was all my fault but the more I learned about me & the more I worked on me the more I learned it was both of us.

 

Lot of times it is just little things, and most of it is how we were raised & I also feel that as we grow we change & unless we work as a team & grow together then the growing apart comes a lot quicker....just my two thoughts I cause.

 

You can't control how he feels, you can't control what he is thinking so don't worry about it or it will drive you crazy.

Just because your spouse does something doesn't mean you are a bad person or that you are at blame, you are just in the mix....