tojaz Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 SO, are you moving in with us or what? I'm packed, she can have the house, I'm out of here. You don't have to help how you feel. People who say things like that have never been through it. Thats the problem, you can't appreciate the pain and emotion involved unless your living it. Once you get out there and try it, you'll get the hang of it pretty quick, look at all the emails youv'e been getting from match, you are a hot comodity you'll be beating them off with a stick!
Author LisaUk Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 You're right people don't get it, they haven't been through it, one person said to me well I got dumped, I got over it, they had been together 1 and a half years, not quite the same is it?!
tojaz Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 You're right people don't get it, they haven't been through it, one person said to me well I got dumped, I got over it, they had been together 1 and a half years, not quite the same is it?! When i was talking to the misses after Allie passed, she related it to her losing her cat! I think the actual words where "I pulled myself up and went to work the next day, and you should do the same" I don't think I even believed she said it.
tojaz Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 It just goes to show what she has become. six months ago the thought of saying something like that would have sickened her. TOJAZ
Author LisaUk Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 I knnow, it's like invasion of the body snatches! I must go to bed, it's 12.45am! Catch you tomo, night.
tojaz Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I knnow, it's like invasion of the body snatches! I must go to bed, it's 12.45am! Catch you tomo, night. Sleep well.
Author LisaUk Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Why are mornings so bad? I hate waking up in the morning, for one split second everything feels fine then I remember it's not, it washes over me everyday. Each morning I get up and the whole rollarcoaster of emotions starts again. I am always very upset in the morning, I usually start the day blaming myself for it all. I do this every morning, I go over it, I think about all the stuff he has said and done and I take all the blame. I try to reason with myself that although I am not perfect, that he has constantly changed his reasons for walking, it's one thing one min, then the opposite the next, so it can't possibly be both. He even said he is only figuring out now why he left and that's why I am hearing different reasons. It just seems crazy to me, 3 months prior he was calling wedding venues and walking me round them with wedding coordinators, then he's leaving and he doesn't know why? So, I spend my mornings taking the blame, then as the day progresses I start to work it through again and come back to the fact that all he has said is non sense. I wish this would stop, I feel like I will never be happy again.
tojaz Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Why are mornings so bad? I hate waking up in the morning, for one split second everything feels fine then I remember it's not, it washes over me everyday. Each morning I get up and the whole rollarcoaster of emotions starts again. I am always very upset in the morning, I usually start the day blaming myself for it all. I do this every morning, I go over it, I think about all the stuff he has said and done and I take all the blame. I try to reason with myself that although I am not perfect, that he has constantly changed his reasons for walking, it's one thing one min, then the opposite the next, so it can't possibly be both. He even said he is only figuring out now why he left and that's why I am hearing different reasons. It just seems crazy to me, 3 months prior he was calling wedding venues and walking me round them with wedding coordinators, then he's leaving and he doesn't know why? So, I spend my mornings taking the blame, then as the day progresses I start to work it through again and come back to the fact that all he has said is non sense. I wish this would stop, I feel like I will never be happy again. Lisa, I know it's hard, but you need to find something to look forward to in the morning. Just building some sort of routine helps alot. It used to drive me crazy when I realized I was holding a pillow in my arms in the morning. So when I wake up, I just jump out of bed and get busy. Do a quick workout, then jump on LS until work time. If your mind is on something else the bad stuff can't creep in. It's a temporary fix, but it make sit easier. I also keep some of the angry letters she's written me by the bed. If I wake up feeling it, I give it a read so I remember what she has become so it dosen't torment me all day. Don't blame yourself! You did nothing wrong and you are all ready getting happier by the day. Read some of your old posts and see what I mean. TOJAZ
Author LisaUk Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Lisa, I know it's hard, but you need to find something to look forward to in the morning. Just building some sort of routine helps alot. It used to drive me crazy when I realized I was holding a pillow in my arms in the morning. So when I wake up, I just jump out of bed and get busy. Do a quick workout, then jump on LS until work time. If your mind is on something else the bad stuff can't creep in. It's a temporary fix, but it make sit easier. I also keep some of the angry letters she's written me by the bed. If I wake up feeling it, I give it a read so I remember what she has become so it dosen't torment me all day. Don't blame yourself! You did nothing wrong and you are all ready getting happier by the day. Read some of your old posts and see what I mean. TOJAZ Morning Tojaz, All very good suggestions. I think maybe when I have my own place it will help, I had my own rountine before he left now is a bit more tricky as I have to fit in with my parents morning routine, my mum likes things done a certain way and at a certain time. Which is fair enough, it's her house after all, it's just difficult when I have been living away for 14 years. I don't have any angry letters, that's the strange thing about the why he left me. He gave no explanation as such, he literally just walked. From the wednesday evening saying I love you, I could never leave you, I would be devastated without you, there's no way I am not even considering it, I just have to get these panic attacks about family under control, to the Saturday morning, call your parents, I want you gone. Even when I called him to try and find out what he thinking and why he had choosen to do this, he would give confused and strangely contrdictory answers to my questions, if I called him on it, he would go quiet, stutter, sound confused then either change the subject in an aggressive way or say he was going to hang up. It literally changed form min to min. It was very much what the marriageadvocate talks about on the personality changes page. Like two seperate personas arguning with themselevs, it's one of the reasons I believe he is in crisis. I guess me going over these conversations in my mind is kind of like you reading your letters. I wish I could get work, get my own place, I think if I had my independance back that would be a start.
PWSX3 Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Why are mornings so bad? I hate waking up in the morning, for one split second everything feels fine then I remember it's not, it washes over me everyday. Each morning I get up and the whole rollarcoaster of emotions starts again. I think it was Gunny who shared something with me when I first joined. When you first wake up to ask yourself; self today is going to be a good day because "I" choice to make it that way. No one else can tell me how "I" want to feel. So I wake up every morning & tell myself today is going to be a good day because I'm going to make it that way. Sure at first it didn't do much but as time went on you start to believe it....... Lisa something else that has really helped is joining a group. For me it was going back to church & I am in a men's group. I have my bicycle riding club & everyone has been so supportive. It is good to surround yourself around positive people..... Your day started off slow but I really hope you get out, spread some sunshine on your face & enjoy the day.... Something else that might be helpful is to journal. I used to do that a lot, good to get your thoughts on paper & then go back & read them in a month or so...
Author LisaUk Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 I think it was Gunny who shared something with me when I first joined. When you first wake up to ask yourself; self today is going to be a good day because "I" choice to make it that way. No one else can tell me how "I" want to feel. So I wake up every morning & tell myself today is going to be a good day because I'm going to make it that way. Sure at first it didn't do much but as time went on you start to believe it....... Lisa something else that has really helped is joining a group. For me it was going back to church & I am in a men's group. I have my bicycle riding club & everyone has been so supportive. It is good to surround yourself around positive people..... Your day started off slow but I really hope you get out, spread some sunshine on your face & enjoy the day.... Something else that might be helpful is to journal. I used to do that a lot, good to get your thoughts on paper & then go back & read them in a month or so... Thank you PW, your posts always help me. I think maybe joining a group might be good, I'm not sure what though, I'll have to have a think. Maybe I could look into Brownie (scout) leading again, I used to do that and really enjoyed it, sometimes children make you feel carefree again!
tojaz Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Thank you PW, your posts always help me. I think maybe joining a group might be good, I'm not sure what though, I'll have to have a think. Maybe I could look into Brownie (scout) leading again, I used to do that and really enjoyed it, sometimes children make you feel carefree again! O.K. O.K., A size 6 with a british accent, and now a GIRL SCOUT UNIFORM! Your really killing me here. You know that don't you. Sheeesh!
Author LisaUk Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 O.K. O.K., A size 6 with a british accent, and now a GIRL SCOUT UNIFORM! Your really killing me here. You know that don't you. Sheeesh! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry to disappoint but the leaders don't wear a uniform!
Author LisaUk Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 I can still pretend right? :laugh::laugh::laugh:
tojaz Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 :laugh::laugh::laugh: I thought that would get a laugh out of you!:laugh:
Author LisaUk Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 You are certainly doing wonders for my confidence and self esteem Tojaz! It's very kind of you. I'm not very good at taking compliments, well I wouldn't be as the ex gave them only rarely!
tojaz Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 You are certainly doing wonders for my confidence and self esteem Tojaz! It's very kind of you. I'm not very good at taking compliments, well I wouldn't be as the ex gave them only rarely! I do what i can. Your ex rarely complimented you? That is truly a shame. I would imagine that you need to get used to being complimented. When you find someone who desrves you, I'd imagine you'll be getting them all the time! If not, you should. TOJAZ
Author LisaUk Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Very rarely, the weird thing was that about 1 week before he left we were discussing things and he stopped mid sentance, said I want to tell you something and I really mean it but I don't want you to think I'm just saying it because of this situation, then he said you look really beautiful today. I remembered it because he NEVER said that before and it was an odd thing to say at the time.
Author LisaUk Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Will this ever end? I felt good today, I felt detached, which was good because I thought finally I am becoming somewhat removed from him from wanting him, moving forward. I don't know what happened though because now I just miss him again. I guess the rollarcoaster isn't done yet. I see my counsellor tomorrow, perhaps this will help. I hope so, I don't know how much more I can take. Sorry for the moan folks.
tojaz Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Will this ever end? I felt good today, I felt detached, which was good because I thought finally I am becoming somewhat removed from him from wanting him, moving forward. I don't know what happened though because now I just miss him again. I guess the rollarcoaster isn't done yet. I see my counsellor tomorrow, perhaps this will help. I hope so, I don't know how much more I can take. Sorry for the moan folks. Just concentrate on feeling good. It's going to take a long time to detach.it's just the way it is. You are moving forward, I've been reading your posts from the begining, and you have come a long way. It will get better with time. Tojaz
Author LisaUk Posted July 14, 2009 Author Posted July 14, 2009 Thanks Tojaz. Does anyone else feel like this? Everyone thought my ex was a great guy, now after what he did most don't, but because I and others thought he was a good person I feel sometimes by him not loving me anymore, it makes me feel somehow worthless. I felt proud that he could love me, now he doesn't I feel that somehow it reflects badly on me. Does that make sense? I know my own worth should not be measured of defined by someone else, but I can't help feeling this way sometimes. It's like why am I not good enough for him to love me? I feel bad for thinking this way. My friend said to me today (I hadn't mentioned this), that he was not deserving of my love. I know she speaks sense, yet I still feel why am I not worthy of his love? Does anyone else have these thoughts/feelings or am I just sinking here into the pit of rejection?
phineas Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 My wife tried to make me feel like I was the one with the problems. I believe it's why she didn't want me talking to anyone about the seperation. Once I learned the truth I started talking to my close friends & they made it clear it wasn't me. I may of made her unhappy, but she made her choice to go to a dating site instead of trying to work on it. honestly, every time I think about what she did it makes it all that much easier. I still get the empty feeling at night when I climb into bed but it doesn't keep me awake at night.
MrMayI Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 My wife tried to make me feel like I was the one with the problems. I believe it's why she didn't want me talking to anyone about the seperation. Once I learned the truth I started talking to my close friends & they made it clear it wasn't me. I may of made her unhappy, but she made her choice to go to a dating site instead of trying to work on it. honestly, every time I think about what she did it makes it all that much easier. I still get the empty feeling at night when I climb into bed but it doesn't keep me awake at night. i'm the opposite of this. i've lost the empty feeling at bedtime, but sometime during the wee morning hours, my thoughts wake me up, and keep me up for a while.
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