Prenup! At what point do you reveal prenuptial interest?

[trust]

Okay what is with the sexism in this thread!?!

Are you talking to me?

 

Why is it that it is assumed that the man has the money?

Well, we are switching from I, you, general terms, then back to my particular situation. I am the man, and that was part of the problem if you go back and read all the posts, that I have yet to meet a woman who makes significantly more than I do. That spun off another great discussion and ideas.

Why is it assumed that the woman is going to screw over the guy?

In my situation - she did. The learning experience was to make sure I minimize the damage in the future, should that same and common event happen again.

Why is it assumed that the woman is the emotional one?

Again, are you asking me that question? Emotional one = emotional being? Are you speaking in absolutes? When I say women (in general) are emotional beings... that is hardly an opinion.

With as well as my current marriage is wrapping up I can tell you that if I were to marry again there would absolutely be a prenup. For me personal, if someone can't look at all sides of things and can't comprehend and prepare for a possible demise then it is probably someone that isn't for me.

Sorry to hear about your divorce. It is a shame.

On the filp side, anyone I get serious with again, we are going to do counseling BEFORE marriage and stay in and out of counseling throughout it to help stop any minor issues from becoming larger.

EXACTLY!!! Same here. And if the wife-to-be won't agree to that ahead of time, that's pretty much a deal breaker for me. Educate Educate Educate! That marriage won't succeed on automatic pilot.

[trust]

I didn't really need to know the details to support your decision. I understood why you wanted a prenup, and I thought it was fair enough.

And I'm glad that I got some information about you. I'm trying to find a pattern here with the "agrees" and "disagrees". Seems the biggest factors so far are: age/experience, emotional development, and approach.

Now that I do know the details, I think you are being pretty generous really- you are giving someone a guarantee that you won't cheat. Well, as much a guarantee as you can give. I can't see what the problem with that is.

I tend to put my money where my mouth is.

 

I like the way you call it a "together forever" agreement!

Thanks. Spread the word and tell all your friends. Presentation is everything, baby.

[trust]

Untouchable_fire:

 

Wow, your posts are untouchable as well. I've read all your posts in this thread. Could you tell me about what age you are? Are you married? If so, is this your first marriage? And I didn't hear you say "My wife, my husband" so I have yet to figure out if you are male or female??? I'm just gathering information that will help immensely.

 

Thanks.

[kladia]

Back to your original question...

 

My exbf brought up that he would be getting a prenup pretty quickly in the relationship (the relationship got serious pretty quickly too though for what it's worth). We were talking about marriage in a hypothetical sense. Like, "when I get married" not "when we get married"

 

The way he brought it up didn't bother me one bit. I never thought that I would get a prenup, so the idea bothered me at first (and i told him that, and used all the bunny flower rainbow if you really loved me, you'd trust me, why assume we'll divorce reasons). Since it was so early in the relationship and hypothetical, it was a pretty calm exchanging of views (how can you not be happy all the time when you're having sex multiple times a day?). I researched it a bit, and I actually decided I was ok with it, but you can bet I'd have my own lawyer there making sure it was fair to me too.

 

Ideally, a prenup should protect BOTH partners. This phrase could be helpful with someone resistant maybe.

 

A couple of warnings though. You do have to be careful with them or they will be thrown out.

 

-I'd be careful about writing the prenup by yourself and then presenting it to a spouse. Even if she has a lawyer read it through before she signs it, it could seem like she was signing under duress. She could claim she felt she had to sign it as is or you would leave her. This would get it thrown out. If she doesn't want to pay for a lawyer and just sign it, give her the money to hire a lawyer...cheaper than a divorce lawyer I'd imagine (don't hire one for her, if the lawyer knows you're paying his paycheck that would be a conflict of interest).

 

-On a similar note, if she is significantly less educated than you, they could throw it out if she claims she didn't understand the agreement completely.

 

-Also if there are major changes in people's lives and finances since it was written it could be thrown out. For example, the person who becomes the primary breadwinner switches, just because you have kids (you couldn't adequately predict how much raising kids would cost when writing the prenup, so things have to be changed), she stayed home with the kids when you originally assumed she would be working or vice versa, one of you is disabled, the list goes on and on.

 

By the way, I'm young (23), and the prenup thing was not the reason my bf and I split up. I'm still actually somewhat at a loss as to the real reasons. Bottom line, unexpected stuff happens, a prenup can handle some of it, but some of it you can't predict and put into it. I don't know if I would ask for a prenup, seems it's too easy for them to be thrown out, and since I'm so young, I'm not sure how they could really help me. Maybe when I'm older and more established I'd want to. Since I'm nowhere near to being engaged it's a nonissue. I would also hope it would be a nonissue, because I won't get divorced, or if I do I would be mature enough to work it out without taking my husband to the cleaners for the sake of sucking him dry. Unless he cheated on me, then all bets are off.

 

And anyways, the discussions about how to merge ones assets and finances, raising children, what things would be considered "at fault" etc. I feel would have to occur in prenup negotiations would probably be beneficial to making sure you're on the same page about these things going in. Anything that forces couples to talk about these things before getting married is probably a good thing. Acknowledging that money and practicalities are just as much a part of a marriage, if not more so, than the happy bunny flower true love stuff could lead to some broken engagements, but could also prevent lots of divorces.

 

just my 2 cents.

[trust]

Hi Kladia:

Thanks for sharing. And I *really* appreciate the longer posts (less effort for me to have to pull everything out of you).

 

 

Back to your original question...

 

My exbf

Crap…we’re off to a bad start already..

brought up that he would be getting a prenup pretty quickly in the relationship (the relationship got serious pretty quickly too though for what it's worth). We were talking about marriage in a hypothetical sense. Like, "when I get married" not "when we get married"

Great…I’m glad he did it that way instead of springing it on you after you were both emotionally, physically, and mutually involved.

 

The way he brought it up didn't bother me one bit.

I think maybe it didn’t bother you *because* of the way he brought it up. I think he made it less personal, since he had made the decision to do it prior to meeting you. It takes some of the sting out of it.

 

I never thought that I would get a prenup, so the idea bothered me at first (and i told him that, and used all the bunny flower rainbow if you really loved me, you'd trust me, why assume we'll divorce reasons). Since it was so early in the relationship and hypothetical, it was a pretty calm exchanging of views (how can you not be happy all the time when you're having sex multiple times a day?).

This guy is starting to sound like another master I know….me. lol just kidding.

I researched it a bit, and I actually decided I was ok with it, but you can bet I'd have my own lawyer there making sure it was fair to me too.

And you can bet if his attorney was at least a decent one, it would be required that you had your own attorney review it for you.

 

Ideally, a prenup should protect BOTH partners. This phrase could be helpful with someone resistant maybe.

Yep. Right again. This is what I did with my “together forever” agreement. I made it such that I will lose my stuff if I cheat. This is the way it *should* be. Bad behavior should not be rewarded.

 

A couple of warnings though. You do have to be careful with them or they will be thrown out.

This I know. And thanks for the warning. The attorney who is doing up my together-forever agreement is actually my second attorney. The first one admitted that it wasn’t something he felt entirely comfortable pulling off. So I switched to a different attorney. I will probably have a third attorney review what the second attorney did….because I don’t totally trust those rat bastards. It would be easy to take advantage of my ignorance of divorce law (although I feel I’m becoming expert). It’s simple enough for him to pass off a “valid” yet “unenforceable” contract. So I have to have a double and possible triple safe plan in place.

 

-I'd be careful about writing the prenup by yourself and then presenting it to a spouse. Even if she has a lawyer read it through before she signs it, it could seem like she was signing under duress. She could claim she felt she had to sign it as is or you would leave her. This would get it thrown out.

Great point. And lucky for me I have much experience in drawing up related contracts. And yes, it would be idiotic to do up a prenup myself or with some “out of the can” legal document software program. I’ve got a lot to lose. You can bet I plan on spending big bucks on that contract. Since I’ve been divorced, the duress clause was part of the divorce papers that I singed. It’s a common clause in legal documents.

If she doesn't want to pay for a lawyer and just sign it, give her the money to hire a lawyer...cheaper than a divorce lawyer I'd imagine (don't hire one for her, if the lawyer knows you're paying his paycheck that would be a conflict of interest).

Yep. Another good point. My attorney has gone over that and many other things in great detail.

 

-On a similar note, if she is significantly less educated than you, they could throw it out if she claims she didn't understand the agreement completely.

 

-Also if there are major changes in people's lives and finances since it was written it could be thrown out. For example, the person who becomes the primary breadwinner switches, just because you have kids (you couldn't adequately predict how much raising kids would cost when writing the prenup, so things have to be changed), she stayed home with the kids when you originally assumed she would be working or vice versa, one of you is disabled, the list goes on and on.

Right again. This is exactly why I expect the together forever agreement to be expensive. My first attorney (the one I told to nevermind) told me that he’d do up the together forever agreement for $50.00. (fifty dollars)!!! LOL! I just laughed at him.. Out loud. I told him I planned on paying in the thousands for it and I expected him to do thousands of dollars worth of work on it as well. Needless to say, I switched to another attorney after that. Besides, he wasn’t the bomb-diggety divorce attorney in town.

 

By the way, I'm young (23), and the prenup thing was not the reason my bf and I split up. I'm still actually somewhat at a loss as to the real reasons. Bottom line, unexpected stuff happens, a prenup can handle some of it, but some of it you can't predict and put into it. I don't know if I would ask for a prenup, seems it's too easy for them to be thrown out, and since I'm so young, I'm not sure how they could really help me. Maybe when I'm older and more established I'd want to. Since I'm nowhere near to being engaged it's a nonissue. if I would also hope it would be a nonissue, because I won't get divorced, or if I do I would be mature enough to work it out without taking my husband to the cleaners for the sake of sucking him dry. Unless he cheated on me, then all bets are off.

Hahaahah. You’re funny. And it least you’re realistic about it. "Hope" is in the realm of wishful thinking. I don't bank on wishful thinking. Yeah, with the throwing out stuff…as I always say… better some prenup than no prenup. Sometimes a deterrent is effective as well.

 

And anyways, the discussions about how to merge ones assets and finances, raising children, what things would be considered "at fault" etc. I feel would have to occur in prenup negotiations would probably be beneficial to making sure you're on the same page about these things going in. Anything that forces couples to talk about these things before getting married is probably a good thing.

And you are so wise. Keep up the good work girl.

Acknowledging that money and practicalities are just as much a part of a marriage, if not more so, than the happy bunny flower true love stuff could lead to some broken engagements, but could also prevent lots of divorces.

 

just my 2 cents.

Thank you for that 2 cents. Please stick around and chime in. All of the responses, even the “rainbows and butterflies” responses help.

[Order & Chaos]

Are you talking to me?

Well, we are switching from I, you, general terms, then back to my particular situation. I am the man, and that was part of the problem if you go back and read all the posts, that I have yet to meet a woman who makes significantly more than I do. That spun off another great discussion and ideas.

In my situation - she did. The learning experience was to make sure I minimize the damage in the future, should that same and common event happen again.

Again, are you asking me that question? Emotional one = emotional being? Are you speaking in absolutes? When I say women (in general) are emotional beings... that is hardly an opinion.

Sorry to hear about your divorce. It is a shame.

EXACTLY!!! Same here. And if the wife-to-be won't agree to that ahead of time, that's pretty much a deal breaker for me. Educate Educate Educate! That marriage won't succeed on automatic pilot.

 

 

No, just the majority of posts on this thread, actually on this board in general.

 

And all humans are emotional beings, what is being stereotyped is that women are overly emotional beings. Maybe it is the women I know but they do not represent the overly distraught hyper active women that I see men talking about on here and even some of the women on this board.

 

I could use my divorce as a way to slam men and blame them. Instead I recognize where I fell short, where we were both human, and move on past that. In no way do I think my STBXH represents all men. Too much variety within each sex.

[trust]

No, just the majority of posts on this thread, actually on this board in general.

 

And all humans are emotional beings, what is being stereotyped is that women are overly emotional beings. Maybe it is the women I know but they do not represent the overly distraught hyper active women that I see men talking about on here and even some of the women on this board.

 

I could use my divorce as a way to slam men and blame them. Instead I recognize where I fell short, where we were both human, and move on past that. In no way do I think my STBXH represents all men. Too much variety within each sex.

 

I totally understand what you're saying. Sorry if I'm coming off as saying that women are *overly* emotional beings...didn't say that and didn't mean that. Actually, I slam pretty evenly...guess it's case by case...it's not really a gender thing...more of a "do the right thing" thing.

 

I am saying that women are more emotional than men (in general). They are like that by design...and it's not a bad thing. It all balances out. I wouldn't want a woman who's a lot like me. That would suck massively..for a lack of better terms.

[Sal Paradise]

I don't understand this idea that asking for a prenup is going into the marriage with the assumption that it will fail.

 

I see it like insurance. A person with car insurance doesn't assume they will wreck. They have it in case they're in a wreck.

 

A young person doesn't assume they will die tomorrow. They have life insurance on the outside chance that it happens.

 

We can't predict the future. We can't predict how we or those we love will change over the course of 5, 10, 20 years (or longer). Hell I've changed quite a bit just in the past 5 years (I'm now 30). I can only imagine how much I will change by the time I reach 40 or 50.

 

How many times have you heard from someone who's husband or wife cheated on them after being married for 10 years or more...

 

In the past year it's as if I was living with a complete stranger.

 

I no longer recognize the person I'm married to.

 

How many times have we seen husbands and wives post on here after years of marriage about how their once great, loving spouse has turned into this horrible, vindictive person who now resents them?

 

The point is that people change (any one who reads this forum should have a good understanding of that whether they're 50 or 15) and asking for a prenup is basically insurance. Insurance that protects you from the possibility (however remote, although judging by divorce rates it's not that remote) that they might turn into someone you can't stand or that they might turn into someone who can't stand you. So that you don’t end up financially ruined.

 

You ask him/her to marry you with all of your heart.

 

You ask him/her to sign the prenup with your brain.

 

They're not mutually exclusive. They can happily coexist as long as both of those involved in relationship are mature adults.

[Woggle]

Women may or may not be more emotional but they are much less reliable than men when it comes to commitment. The walkaway wife thing is an epidemic and a man never knows when his wife will join the club so he needs to to protect what is his just in case.

[Trialbyfire]

To respond to the opening post, 33 year-old divorcée here. I would not marry again without a prenup. If he wants me to sign a prenup, that's fine by me.

 

OP, intro the topic at the beginning of your relationship. Slide it in as part of your discussion about your ex, that you regret not having her sign a prenup, that any future marriage would be with a prenup. See how she reacts.

[Order & Chaos]

Women may or may not be more emotional but they are much less reliable than men when it comes to commitment. The walkaway wife thing is an epidemic and a man never knows when his wife will join the club so he needs to to protect what is his just in case.

 

That is a load of bull. Show me stats on this, show me studies that the "walkaway wife" is an epidemic.

 

Please, what a victim mentality. If you are in tune with your wife at all, her walking will not come as a surprise. But it takes putting work into the marriage years before and being proactive before your wife throws up her hands and and is done with you.

[trust]

That is a load of bull. Show me stats on this, show me studies that the "walkaway wife" is an epidemic.

 

Please, what a victim mentality. If you are in tune with your wife at all, her walking will not come as a surprise. But it takes putting work into the marriage years before and being proactive before your wife throws up her hands and and is done with you.

 

Good stats can be found on this forum, in the divorce section.

 

"In tune with your wife"? Think about that for a minute. That implies some sort of control of her willingness on your part. And by reading your previous posts (not trying to be mean here) you don't seem like the master persuader to me , and neither am I. I need to work on my persuasiveness as well. You can only be as "in tune" as the weakest communicator. Add to that a mix of denial on her part. If she's not talking/communicating - nothing's getting solved. How many times have you asked your wife, "What's wrong honey?" Only to get the ol', "Ohhhhh nothing." Yeah, it's nothing alright, a lot of nothing that she's saving up for the day she bails. Women are masters at chip holding. They do it all day long to their female friends and then they pass off the chip holding as "forgiveness." The old adage that "women are great communicators" should have an expiration date on it. Maybe women *used* to be great communicators, but it's been my experience that they are actually pretty piss poor in that area, and especially so if they are/were communications majors (how does that even make sense?).

 

Just so I try to balance things out - guys have their many issues as well. Since I don't live with a man, much less hang out with men, I can't really focus on that. There are many behaviors that are universal to women in America. And for those behaviors, I can tell you a *lot* about.

 

But it takes putting work into the marriage years before and being proactive before your wife throws up her hands and and is done with you.

This part of what you said is some VERY good advice (as I've said in a previous post)..until you mentioned the part of "throw up her hands and is done with you...", this sounds like the walk away wife that Woggle is referring to. There were umpteen thousand times I wanted to throw up my hands and be done with my wife but didn't, because of this little thing called commitment.

[trust]

To respond to the opening post, 33 year-old divorcée here. I would not marry again without a prenup. If he wants me to sign a prenup, that's fine by me.

 

OP, intro the topic at the beginning of your relationship. Slide it in as part of your discussion about your ex, that you regret not having her sign a prenup, that any future marriage would be with a prenup. See how she reacts.

 

Did you feel the division of assets was an unfair split in your last divorce (I'm assuming only one divorce here)?

 

Thanks for the advice. I'm getting lots of useful info here in this thread.

[trust]

They're not mutually exclusive. They can happily coexist as long as both of those involved in relationship are mature adults.

 

Excellent points. You pretty much summed everything up concisely.

 

As for the last part... but they *are* mutually exclusive *and* can happily coexist. If you follow that a marriage is a spiritual union and a civil union, the prenup is attached separately to the civil union, and the heart is attached to the spiritual union. Since they are in fact separable (all 4 parts), they are only together in good faith, and 100% good faith in another human being, no matter how much work you *intend* to do, is a flat out mistake. And it's a proven fact that it's a mistake more than 50% of the time (marriages ending in divorce).

 

Interesting side note: Since we're talking about spiritual unions...Sorry, I'm going to step on more toes here...but Catholicism *used* to acknowledge the seriousness of the spiritual union. When you are both Catholic, and are "properly" wed as Catholics, that spiritual union was (a long time ago) taken literally - until death do you part. Can you believe that this is why my mom never remarried after her divorce so long as my dad was alive? Wow. She meant that promise, and I'm sure my dad started hating that promise as he was paying alimony until the day he died. But what the Catholics did was turn more into a business. Although they are currently the majority, they are in decline as far as "new recruits." One of the big groups that they have not been appeasing are the once non-Catholics who were not wed as Catholic and are now divorced. Now they cannot be married in the Catholic church without a Catholic annulment. So what do they do to get more members? Since the divorce rate is so high, they changed the rules on Catholic annulments...now allowing anyone to renege on that spiritual vow for *any* reason. Even if neither ex husband or ex wife were Catholic when married, they throw out the validity of that marriage based only on the fact that they weren't Catholic. What a bunch of crap! By the way, I was born and raised Catholic...but later dropped it like a bad habit.

 

Funny thing is...I've learned that a divorce ain't over when it's over, even if you didn't have kids. I was peacefully minding my own business, about a year and a half later, being "over" my divorce, checked the mail one day, to find a stack of Catholic annulment papers in my mailbox. WTF?! That stupid chic wasn't even Catholic. Neither was I (not after I was 12 years of age). Ohhhhhhh...her soon-to-be husband is Catholic and now she can't marry in to the Catholic church without this Catholic annulment Kangaroo tribunal. It wasn't enough to disrespect our marriage during our marriage, now she's got to stand up and say, "Oh, I'm Catholic now..and we will now deny the validity of our marriage of 6 years." Catholicism is *really* on my bad side. LOL :)Anyone read "Opus Dei, by Michael Walsh" ???

[torranceshipman]

Trust, I have a question for you...what would you think about a female you were dating bringing up the subject about a prenup and that theoretically she'd be totally cool with signing one if you ever wanted one (presuming you were fairly serious about her and considering a future together)...would that be something you'd welcome hearing or would it be weird for her to bring it up?

[Woggle]

That is a load of bull. Show me stats on this, show me studies that the "walkaway wife" is an epidemic.

 

Please, what a victim mentality. If you are in tune with your wife at all, her walking will not come as a surprise. But it takes putting work into the marriage years before and being proactive before your wife throws up her hands and and is done with you.

 

Women file 75% of divorces and just look at the men on this board. Don't you think many of them wish they had prenups?

[Lookingforward]

Women file 75% of divorces and just look at the men on this board. Don't you think many of them wish they had prenups?

 

and quite a few have been "allowed" to file so the H doesn't come off as the "bad guy" for filing.

 

In these days of high divorce and women having careers it's just as likely a woman may feel the need for a prenup to protect her assets and children as well.

 

fwiw , there seem to be just as many "walkaway" husbands as wives.......

[trust]

and quite a few have been "allowed" to file so the H doesn't come off as the "bad guy" for filing.

 

Very….interesting….point… Which is exactly why I tend to *not* refer to multivariate statistics. It’s fair enough to say more than 50% of marriages end in divorce…not too much to argue about that. But when you start interjecting stuff like you just did, it may come down to *show me* some real life examples. This is part of why I post here in this forum. (Assuming that the OP’s on this site aren’t artificially generated in some lame effort to generate interest-->monetary profit) I use these “people” and their situations to support/disprove ideas that I have, in addition to my real life experiences.

 

In these days of high divorce and women having careers it's just as likely a woman may feel the need for a prenup to protect her assets and children as well.

Uhhhh....no. But it sounded good. In *America*?? Guess who’s the leader in income per household with married couples? Men. And for those women you speak of, you must split that group. You would then need to find out how those women attained those assets….by way of divorce? Don’t laugh. There’s a big group of women out there who got “their” assets by way of ex husband going into a second marriage. My ex-wife is an example. She’s a “career ex-wife.” This is how she has gotten 95% of her net worth. This is a real life example and I can tell you so as a matter of fact. I could also give you *many* examples of women who I know who did exactly the same thing my ex did.

 

fwiw , there seem to be just as many "walkaway" husbands as wives.......

Not in my world. And not on this site.

[trust]

Trust, I have a question for you...what would you think about a female you were dating bringing up the subject about a prenup and that theoretically she'd be totally cool with signing one if you ever wanted one (presuming you were fairly serious about her and considering a future together)...would that be something you'd welcome hearing or would it be weird for her to bring it up?

 

Hi Torranceshipman, thanks for joining in. You sound a lot like a girl I know. I’m a little confused as to why you’d ask me that (if I understand your question). I mean, of course I’d be cool with it…I’m saying I’m in favor of it, right? I’m not the King of Double Standards here. LOL I’d actually be relieved. At the point of your hypothetical relationship, that’d be one less deal breaker to deal with. If you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit of a thinker so I’m in the habit of turning the table and putting myself in the other person’s shoes.

 

Are you thinking about bringing it up with some guy you are in a relationship with?

[Lookingforward]

Very….interesting….point… Which is exactly why I tend to *not* refer to multivariate statistics. It’s fair enough to say more than 50% of marriages end in divorce…not too much to argue about that. But when you start interjecting stuff like you just did, it may come down to *show me* some real life examples. This is part of why I post here in this forum. (Assuming that the OP’s on this site aren’t artificially generated in some lame effort to generate interest-->monetary profit) I use these “people” and their situations to support/disprove ideas that I have, in addition to my real life experiences.

 

Uhhhh....no. But it sounded good. In *America*?? Guess who’s the leader in income per household with married couples? Men. And for those women you speak of, you must split that group. You would then need to find out how those women attained those assets….by way of divorce? Don’t laugh. There’s a big group of women out there who got “their” assets by way of ex husband going into a second marriage. My ex-wife is an example. She’s a “career ex-wife.” This is how she has gotten 95% of her net worth. This is a real life example and I can tell you so as a matter of fact. I could also give you *many* examples of women who I know who did exactly the same thing my ex did.

Not in my world. And not on this site.

 

Our perceptions are coloured by our own experiences obviously.

 

Personally I never walked away from a R with any more than what I put into it, and never expected anything else.

 

Yes I have seen the career divorcees and they are for the most part females, but that change my views on the subject.

[trust]

Our perceptions are coloured by our own experiences obviously.

 

LOL. No. My dear. It doesn't come down to "perception" and "colour." It comes down to a preponderance of evidence. But if you want to resign, then so be it.

 

Personally I never walked away from a R with any more than what I put into it, and never expected anything else.

I honestly and sincerely hope you continue on at that level of integrity.

 

Yes I have seen the career divorcees and they are for the most part females, but that change my views on the subject.

Glad you acknowledge that fact. I'm not sure I understood the last part of that sentence though.

[Lookingforward]

LOL. No. My dear. It doesn't come down to "perception" and "colour." It comes down to a preponderance of evidence. But if you want to resign, then so be it.

 

I honestly and sincerely hope you continue on at that level of integrity.

 

Glad you acknowledge that fact. I'm not sure I understood the last part of that sentence though.

 

 

oopsie - was meant to be doesn't change my views LOL, sorry

 

I doubt I'll ever be in a LTR or M again, so won't have to worry about any of this = )

[Order & Chaos]

Trust,

 

You have had one marriage with one woman and what went on there is in now way any indication of all women nor are even all the men's statements on this forum.

 

Firstly, this is an internet forum where you are talking to strangers you don't even see. I take all statements here with a grain of salt as you do not know what you are reading isn't the figment of the poster's imagination. At the very least you are getting a very biased side of a two sided argument.

 

I don't mean to be mean either, but I am sure if your ex wife came on here I could feel very confident that her side would be very different than what you have posted here and she would be able to tell many examples of trying to make the marriage work.

 

What I get tired of is so many people, men and women, who are suddenly blindsided by their significant other when in fact the signs were there long before that. You do not disconnect with your spouse and not notice it. Doing something about it, though, is a totally different story.

 

And I still feel the walk away wife is mysognistic view by men who use that as their "out" to play the victim. Bottomline, most people do not walk away from a marriage without a whole host of reasons and some energy involved to have fixed it. Ending a marriage takes work and energy and is not an easy endeavor. To do so does not indicate a lazy person. A lazy person will keep the status quo (which if you wanted to flip the generalization statements I would say, then, most men are).

 

You can not control the other person and at some point you recognize them for who they are and either accept it or not. My husband was happy being unhappy and who am I to change that? Again he is a rational adult, if that is the direction he wants to walk down I am not going to stop him but I am not necc going to walk down it with him.

 

I guess you could say that I am a walk away wife but I can tell you it wasn't for lack of effort that I attempted to make things better. Children get unconditional love, you should give yourself unconditional love, a spouse does not and should not get unconditional love.

 

Stop the whining, figure your issues out, and move on. Why do people like to wallow in the same self pity day in and day out justifying their actions and putting all the blame on their spouse? Maybe it is easier than actually having to look at themselves and see where they made mistakes.

 

I am not attacking you Trust personally but just a general "you". I am in a grumpy mood and get tired of all the freaking pity parties and better than thou attitudes. It gets tiresome and is pedantic at best.

[trust]

oopsie - was meant to be doesn't change my views LOL, sorry

 

I doubt I'll ever be in a LTR or M again, so won't have to worry about any of this = )

 

Ahhh... I hate to see crushed hope. Even *I* don't have crushed hope. I love women. And I have much hope.

[Trialbyfire]

Did you feel the division of assets was an unfair split in your last divorce (I'm assuming only one divorce here)?

 

Thanks for the advice. I'm getting lots of useful info here in this thread.

No, we both walked away with what we each brought into it and a reasonably equal split of what remained. No children, thank goodness.

 

My reasoning for a potential future prenup is that my first marriage has opened my eyes towards the possibility that "forever" could easily mean "for right now". It never hurts to have protection insurance.