XMM emailed me at work. my response should be?

[neverendingsaga]

[quote=White Flower;1680322

 

Excellent post, OWoman. You have so much insight for an OW who doesn't get too close (I suppose I mean too attached), sappy, and emotional like my kind.

 

i was close, sappy and emotional too. thats why i have to keep nc-- otherwise i cry/ hope/ want everything to work out still. i hate when he says 'i love you' because i just think, 'prove it.' i'd rather not hear it. i could never have friendly talks/ emails like you do WF. to me that would still be giving him part of my heart & letting him into my life, all the while hes still M'ed. do you think in a way thats still an EA? if i read your story right you stopped the A b/c his wife saw your # on his cell. couldnt she still see that if you guys are still keeping in touch? what will happen if she does see it? how can you get over him if you keep talking to him? to get over my XMM i HAVE to block him out of my life... otherwise part of me will stay hanging on ya know.

 

sorry for my many questions. yours is a very interesting situation. good luck w/ it.

[White Flower]

i was close, sappy and emotional too. thats why i have to keep nc-- otherwise i cry/ hope/ want everything to work out still. i hate when he says 'i love you' because i just think, 'prove it.' i'd rather not hear it. i could never have friendly talks/ emails like you do WF. to me that would still be giving him part of my heart & letting him into my life, all the while hes still M'ed. do you think in a way thats still an EA? if i read your story right you stopped the A b/c his wife saw your # on his cell. couldnt she still see that if you guys are still keeping in touch? what will happen if she does see it? how can you get over him if you keep talking to him? to get over my XMM i HAVE to block him out of my life... otherwise part of me will stay hanging on ya know.

 

sorry for my many questions. yours is a very interesting situation. good luck w/ it.

I must admit that I was vacillating between wanting him all to myself and being OK with the part time thing. (Of course I prefer the former, but did settle for the latter). It is my own problem with indecision and I would feel guilty calling it off for good and then renegging a few months later all the while missing out on some beautiful months. I did not present it this way to him at first, however.

 

When I broke it off he was very hurt yet showed so much respect for my decision that I couldn't help but love him more. Our break up took days and after a few days he asked if we could call it a break instead, with contact, and I said OK. He doesn't call much and when he does it is not from his cell phone. I believe in my heart he is not just avoiding getting caught but is truly concerned about preventing the hurt his W might feel if she found my number again. He emails to let me know he's OK and asks how I'm doing. For two sentimental people like us it works.

 

I know I'm going to hear that NC is the best thing, but as OWoman pointed out I am not quite at that point yet. I do feel NC is good when you are completely done or are ready to be done until he leaves his W.

 

I'm pretty sure my exMM isn't going to leave his W, but I am not ready to cut him off for good even if we remain just friends. For now, though, I am concentrating on me, getting my life in order, and spending a lot of time with my kids. I must tell you, since ending the A I feel like I am able to enjoy my down time more. I'm not sitting by the phone like I used to and that feels good.

 

Did you say you've been with your MM for 4 years? When did you start realizing how self-sentered he was?

[neverendingsaga]

I must admit that I was vacillating between wanting him all to myself and being OK with the part time thing. (Of course I prefer the former, but did settle for the latter). It is my own problem with indecision and I would feel guilty calling it off for good and then renegging a few months later all the while missing out on some beautiful months. I did not present it this way to him at first, however.

 

When I broke it off he was very hurt yet showed so much respect for my decision that I couldn't help but love him more. Our break up took days and after a few days he asked if we could call it a break instead, with contact, and I said OK. He doesn't call much and when he does it is not from his cell phone. I believe in my heart he is not just avoiding getting caught but is truly concerned about preventing the hurt his W might feel if she found my number again. He emails to let me know he's OK and asks how I'm doing. For two sentimental people like us it works.

 

I know I'm going to hear that NC is the best thing, but as OWoman pointed out I am not quite at that point yet. I do feel NC is good when you are completely done or are ready to be done until he leaves his W.

 

I'm pretty sure my exMM isn't going to leave his W, but I am not ready to cut him off for good even if we remain just friends. For now, though, I am concentrating on me, getting my life in order, and spending a lot of time with my kids. I must tell you, since ending the A I feel like I am able to enjoy my down time more. I'm not sitting by the phone like I used to and that feels good.

 

Did you say you've been with your MM for 4 years? When did you start realizing how self-sentered he was?

 

so by calling it a 'break' i guess that means at some point your A will start up again? or does he mean a 'break' B/T the A & a R after he divorces? i couldnt handle a 'break' from the rollercoaster, i wanted to stop that darn thing for good LOL

 

im glad its working for you & i say, whatever works for you is best. im glad your enjoying your own time.

 

no no def. not 4 years yikes. more like 2. but i broke off the PA & its been an EA for a lot of the second year. i realised he was self centered when i broke off the PA & he still contacted me & tried to act like we were still together. i was weak & eventually responded to his contacts... its weird, its like, at one point i was settling to be the OW at least emotionally... even after i found out he lived w/ his W again & had lied to me, i was like, i cant help loving him, i will just keep talking to him. i guess my esteem was at an alltime low to do something like that. but i didnt realise how truly self centered he was untill a few weeks ago when i decided to stop any contact w/ him... the EA or whatever he calls 'friends' but it wasnt b/c he was still saying he loved me, he wanted to be w/ me, he was leaving his W, etc. i was like, look don't do this to me, stop talking about a D if your never getting one, that just makes me feel stupid. i was just really down & confused & felt like he was F-ing w/ my head or it was just somehow getting F'ed with by staying in that situation. so i called the whole thing off & went NC & thats when he went bezerk. now weeks later he is still trying... but not by taking/ showing my any actions, just by SAYING hes still leaving... all the same things from before except now i have no desire to listen to him anymore. i got mad that he was expecting full trust & blaming me for wondering when HE was the one not doing anything.

[kellykellykelly]

NES, you are right, our MM and our stories sound so much alike. OMG! Please tell me that his first name doesn't start with a J! HOly Sh*#!

[White Flower]

so by calling it a 'break' i guess that means at some point your A will start up again? or does he mean a 'break' B/T the A & a R after he divorces? i couldnt handle a 'break' from the rollercoaster, i wanted to stop that darn thing for good LOL

 

im glad its working for you & i say, whatever works for you is best. im glad your enjoying your own time.

 

no no def. not 4 years yikes. more like 2. but i broke off the PA & its been an EA for a lot of the second year. i realised he was self centered when i broke off the PA & he still contacted me & tried to act like we were still together. i was weak & eventually responded to his contacts... its weird, its like, at one point i was settling to be the OW at least emotionally... even after i found out he lived w/ his W again & had lied to me, i was like, i cant help loving him, i will just keep talking to him. i guess my esteem was at an alltime low to do something like that. but i didnt realise how truly self centered he was untill a few weeks ago when i decided to stop any contact w/ him... the EA or whatever he calls 'friends' but it wasnt b/c he was still saying he loved me, he wanted to be w/ me, he was leaving his W, etc. i was like, look don't do this to me, stop talking about a D if your never getting one, that just makes me feel stupid. i was just really down & confused & felt like he was F-ing w/ my head or it was just somehow getting F'ed with by staying in that situation. so i called the whole thing off & went NC & thats when he went bezerk. now weeks later he is still trying... but not by taking/ showing my any actions, just by SAYING hes still leaving... all the same things from before except now i have no desire to listen to him anymore. i got mad that he was expecting full trust & blaming me for wondering when HE was the one not doing anything.

Good for you. I'm so glad you are looking out for yourself.

 

I did go through a roller coaster phase during the A mostly because it was all new to me and I didn't know what to expect of it. I no longer see any of it as a roller coaster or fog. When I am down it is due to a particular reason and if I talk it through whether here at LS, with friends, or with MM I can get to the bottom of it and deal with it. I still feel as strongly as I did about my reasons for ending it but I made the mistake of not bringing MM fully aware to those reasons leading up to that time. He could have addressed those issues if I had been bolder in my sharing them. I guess I didn't know he needed someone as outspoken to get the point accross and he didn't see my subtlety.

 

As for returning after a break we will see. I know I would like to have him for myself but I just can't force the issue. Maybe I'm just too lady like or graceful, I don't know, but I need him to do it on his own.

 

Again, I wouldn't recommend contact for everyone but so far for us it is working. I think we both need the reassurance that the other still cares.

[White Flower]

NES, you are right, our MM and our stories sound so much alike. OMG! Please tell me that his first name doesn't start with a J! HOly Sh*#!

Aha! Were you the one with the 4 year A? Yes, your stories DO sound alike!

[kellykellykelly]

Aha! Were you the one with the 4 year A? Yes, your stories DO sound alike!

 

 

Ha Ha! No, tomorrow would be 2 years. Good luck finding that 4 year, though!

[neverendingsaga]

Ha Ha! No, tomorrow would be 2 years. Good luck finding that 4 year, though!

 

frannie was four years i think...

 

NO luckily his first name isnt a J... unless he uses diff. names for diff. OWs LOL (JUST KIDDING that would be really crappy!!)

[neverendingsaga]

Good for you. I'm so glad you are looking out for yourself.

 

I did go through a roller coaster phase during the A mostly because it was all new to me and I didn't know what to expect of it. I no longer see any of it as a roller coaster or fog. When I am down it is due to a particular reason and if I talk it through whether here at LS, with friends, or with MM I can get to the bottom of it and deal with it. I still feel as strongly as I did about my reasons for ending it but I made the mistake of not bringing MM fully aware to those reasons leading up to that time. He could have addressed those issues if I had been bolder in my sharing them. I guess I didn't know he needed someone as outspoken to get the point accross and he didn't see my subtlety.

 

As for returning after a break we will see. I know I would like to have him for myself but I just can't force the issue. Maybe I'm just too lady like or graceful, I don't know, but I need him to do it on his own.

 

Again, I wouldn't recommend contact for everyone but so far for us it is working. I think we both need the reassurance that the other still cares.

 

i am sad for you b/c it sounds like you really love him & its mutual so i dont know why he doesnt even seriously consider leaving his M. honestly i hope your never his OW again. i think he might need to get the point that you deserve better. of course this is all based on my feeling like --I-- deserve better & how could i have been some guys OW even if i really 'loved' him so much. so maybe i transfer that on over to you & kelly & every OW who loves the MM & doesnt want to stay OW. i really think we all deserve better. i want to be someones wife, not his OW. im hoping i can find someone i connect w/ and feel passion for like MM, who isnt married, so we can have the right kind of relationship. if that doesnt happen ive realised im happier being alone than an OW.

[White Flower]

i am sad for you b/c it sounds like you really love him & its mutual so i dont know why he doesnt even seriously consider leaving his M. honestly i hope your never his OW again. i think he might need to get the point that you deserve better. of course this is all based on my feeling like --I-- deserve better & how could i have been some guys OW even if i really 'loved' him so much. so maybe i transfer that on over to you & kelly & every OW who loves the MM & doesnt want to stay OW. i really think we all deserve better. i want to be someones wife, not his OW. im hoping i can find someone i connect w/ and feel passion for like MM, who isnt married, so we can have the right kind of relationship. if that doesnt happen ive realised im happier being alone than an OW.

I know exactly what you mean. I yearn to be somebody's full time partner but after my experience I admit I feel jaded sometimes. I'm not jaded by MM, but since my A started and I shared my story with friends it turns out that every single one of my friends had an A at least once in their lives. How was I so naive? I really had no idea how often affairs happened. One thing is for sure, if we do not fully love our spouses and fully address every issue one or the other is prone to wander. We must take that very seriously. And now that I know it happens so much, do I really want marriage again? Can I really be everything to a man?

 

I know if MM were reading this right now he would say yes and all my friends would scream yes of course, but deep down I think it is a rare thing for two people to want to remain monogomous forever and actually be happy doing it.

 

I am sure MM knows I deserve better and he often tells me that if I meet someone and I want to move on he will totally understand. But seeing how hurt he was when I broke it off tells me differently. I do believe he would man up and take it, though. I think he would settle with the status quo, unfortunately, and try to make himself happy with that. I admit it angers me that he could love me so much yet fear the fallout of leaving more.

 

Enough about me. Is there an update? Has MM still been harassing you? How are you holding up?

[pelicanpreacher]

Is this book for real? Who wrote it? Did they write it about my H? LOL.

 

There are 3 Classes of Momma's Boys to beware of:

 

Class A: Narcassist - He holds no boundaries for himself but expects you to live by his rules and regulations. He is typically the most secure in himself and demonstrates the most extreme in controlling behavior, often through authoritative physical and emotional manipulation, to outright demand respect and adoration of the women in his life. He is extremely opinionated and only allows those who bow to his will to remain within his inner circle. Although he can be outwardly charming in his confidence he has a tendency to be spiteful, physical, or dismissive of those women who won't get with his program. He feels endowed, by virtue of his own vaulted self-assurance, with the authority to carry and maintain affairs with any women he wants without consequence because its their honor to have the attention from a man of his power, stature and intelligence. He was raised by a domineering mother that dominated the household and held him out to be her favorite child who deserved all he demanded and could do no wrong.

 

Class B: Entitlement Prince - He is aware of boundaries but he feels entitled to breach them because he believes women demand that he be the center of attention and the object of everyone's adoration yet, he is insecure and uncertain of himself when ostracized. He demonstrates controlling behavior mainly by charming emotional manipulation and wll respond with jealosy and spiteful behavior if an attempt is made to usurp him from his pedestal or any woman he's fancies tries to leave his circle of adoration. He strives to project an illusion of charm and an innate sense for the emotional needs of women in his goal to charm the largest circle of admirerers that he can manipulate. He was raised at the knee of a very manipulative woman, likened to a drama queen, who used extreme wile to achieve control in her household. He's learned the most on how to manipulate the emotions of women because he sharpened his womanly wiles early in life charming his mother to secure her attention or anything else he wanted from her. He feels that, since all women yearn for a man of his exceptional charm, personality, and wiley sense of empathy for their emotional desire for romance, he's entitled to all the love and adoration he wants from every woman he fancies.

 

Class C: Leech - He respects boundaries as long as YOU take care of HIM. He is typically clingy, needy, and the most insecure by nature of the 3 Classes and exhibits control primarily by emotional manipulation of a woman's mothering instinct. Rejection is met with prolonged sulking, and temper tantrums. His main objective is financial and emotional security by attaching himself to a (preferably working) spouse who adores him. He was raised by an overly doting mother who rarely allowed him to do or think for himself. Although this type of individual demands to be the center of his wife's attention he routinely ignores many of her emotional needs and often withholds intimacy and support if he feels she isn't doting on him enough since his mother made him believe that no woman is truly good enough for the affections of her boy if she isn't waiting on him hand and foot. He believes thay by stroking a woman's maternal nerve center with his own needs she feels more needed, wanted, and loved making him feel extremely desirable for a woman with a nurturing oriented need in a relationship. He tends to get jealous of the attention devoted by his spouse to his own children though, especially when they're infants, which can be a motivating factor for his desire to commit infidelity. Oddly enough, he is the only type of individual people automatically think of when defining a Momma's Boy.

 

The common denominators all 3 Classes share is selfishness and a loyalty directed primarily unto themselves. Although each will verbally espouse love to the women in their lives, they all use charm, adopted through a close relationships with their mothers, to ply women women with a false sense of emotional connection they may be vulnerable to in order to secure money, adoration, or both.

 

 

Disclaimer: These assessments were not based on any known scientific study but merely observations of someone who's seen and heard enough to recognize a "Momma's Boy" when he sees one.

[neverendingsaga]

I know exactly what you mean. I yearn to be somebody's full time partner but after my experience I admit I feel jaded sometimes. I'm not jaded by MM, but since my A started and I shared my story with friends it turns out that every single one of my friends had an A at least once in their lives. How was I so naive? I really had no idea how often affairs happened. One thing is for sure, if we do not fully love our spouses and fully address every issue one or the other is prone to wander. We must take that very seriously. And now that I know it happens so much, do I really want marriage again? Can I really be everything to a man?

 

I know if MM were reading this right now he would say yes and all my friends would scream yes of course, but deep down I think it is a rare thing for two people to want to remain monogomous forever and actually be happy doing it.

 

I am sure MM knows I deserve better and he often tells me that if I meet someone and I want to move on he will totally understand. But seeing how hurt he was when I broke it off tells me differently. I do believe he would man up and take it, though. I think he would settle with the status quo, unfortunately, and try to make himself happy with that. I admit it angers me that he could love me so much yet fear the fallout of leaving more.

 

Enough about me. Is there an update? Has MM still been harassing you? How are you holding up?

 

dont be so cynical, there really are good men out there who wont cheat no matter what. and two ppl CAN make each other happy. i think that being in a long-term marriage does involve some personal sacrifice for the good of the M. but it is worth it to know you have undying trust & committment.

 

i think too many ppl now expect things to be 'perfect' & want to run or cheat when they arent. my parents have been M'ed for 30 yrs. its not all rosy, its been up & down, but there havent been A's or nasty drama... its been a lifelong committment that i hope to model one day. i have no idea how i could have gotten caught up in an A when i KNOW thats not something i want in my life... that is something im working on figuring out.

 

i have many other examples, ill just give one more thats more of a testament of love then my parents relationship B/C theres is not to this extent. my former boss at my other job is very happily M'ed & his W is the love of his life. you can his love & respect for her in his eyes & there affection when theyre together. he is a total family man, they have 3 teenage/grown daughters who he treasures just as much as his W. this is what i want for myself & im determined to make it happen... being part of an A has shown me what i DONT want no matter how much infatuation/ passion was there, its not worth it to destroy trust & committment & be confused & unhappy like that ya know.

 

so take heart whiteflower. i think life & relationships are what we make them. i dont believe there are excuses to have A's, i just wanted to think there were when i was w/ MM so i didnt have to admit that what we were doing goes against my personal conscience. at least i know now that ignoring my concience will lead to this hurt & misery, its so not worth it. i understand some ppl are ok w/ A's & maybe they arent as hurt by them. but i was hurt very deeply by MYSELF, by my own decision to do this, & thats what im working on. just getting over it & being true to the values i had before this. if i'd have done that i'd never be in this place.

 

the update on me is that things are more peaceful. ever since MM said he understood my position he has been much better. he does stop by my office & find reasons to have me come to his & he drops lil comments like this is hard for him & he hasnt slept for the last 3 nights. i am not harsh enough to tell him, that is inappropriate, i just say something like 'im sorry we got ourselves into this mess' or some other little thing that isnt too nice to him but isnt mean to him. and that seems to pacify him enough that he doesnt flip out like he was doing. i think if he feels some control over the situation/ the NC then he is ok. but he flipped out b/c he felt no control at all. i think he still thinks the door is partly open & theres room to get back inside sometime. well he wrong, he aint coming back in unless hes D'ed LOL but i will just continue to show him that w/ consistency... something i havent had in the past!

 

i hope your doing well. thanks for the discussions.

[White Flower]

There are 3 Classes of Momma's Boys to beware of:

 

Class A: Narcassist - He holds no boundaries for himself but expects you to live by his rules and regulations. He is typically the most secure in himself and demonstrates the most extreme in controlling behavior, often through authoritative physical and emotional manipulation, to outright demand respect and adoration of the women in his life. He is extremely opinionated and only allows those who bow to his will to remain within his inner circle. Although he can be outwardly charming in his confidence he has a tendency to be spiteful, physical, or dismissive of those women who won't get with his program. He feels endowed, by virtue of his own vaulted self-assurance, with the authority to carry and maintain affairs with any women he wants without consequence because its their honor to have the attention from a man of his power, stature and intelligence. He was raised by a domineering mother that dominated the household and held him out to be her favorite child who deserved all he demanded and could do no wrong.

 

Class B: Entitlement Prince - He is aware of boundaries but he feels entitled to breach them because he believes women demand that he be the center of attention and the object of everyone's adoration yet, he is insecure and uncertain of himself when ostracized. He demonstrates controlling behavior mainly by charming emotional manipulation and wll respond with jealosy and spiteful behavior if an attempt is made to usurp him from his pedestal or any woman he's fancies tries to leave his circle of adoration. He strives to project an illusion of charm and an innate sense for the emotional needs of women in his goal to charm the largest circle of admirerers that he can manipulate. He was raised at the knee of a very manipulative woman, likened to a drama queen, who used extreme wile to achieve control in her household. He's learned the most on how to manipulate the emotions of women because he sharpened his womanly wiles early in life charming his mother to secure her attention or anything else he wanted from her. He feels that, since all women yearn for a man of his exceptional charm, personality, and wiley sense of empathy for their emotional desire for romance, he's entitled to all the love and adoration he wants from every woman he fancies.

 

Class C: Leech - He respects boundaries as long as YOU take care of HIM. He is typically clingy, needy, and the most insecure by nature of the 3 Classes and exhibits control primarily by emotional manipulation of a woman's mothering instinct. Rejection is met with prolonged sulking, and temper tantrums. His main objective is financial and emotional security by attaching himself to a (preferably working) spouse who adores him. He was raised by an overly doting mother who rarely allowed him to do or think for himself. Although this type of individual demands to be the center of his wife's attention he routinely ignores many of her emotional needs and often withholds intimacy and support if he feels she isn't doting on him enough since his mother made him believe that no woman is truly good enough for the affections of her boy if she isn't waiting on him hand and foot. He believes thay by stroking a woman's maternal nerve center with his own needs she feels more needed, wanted, and loved making him feel extremely desirable for a woman with a nurturing oriented need in a relationship. He tends to get jealous of the attention devoted by his spouse to his own children though, especially when they're infants, which can be a motivating factor for his desire to commit infidelity. Oddly enough, he is the only type of individual people automatically think of when defining a Momma's Boy.

 

The common denominators all 3 Classes share is selfishness and a loyalty directed primarily unto themselves. Although each will verbally espouse love to the women in their lives, they all use charm, adopted through a close relationships with their mothers, to ply women women with a false sense of emotional connection they may be vulnerable to in order to secure money, adoration, or both.

 

 

Disclaimer: These assessments were not based on any known scientific study but merely observations of someone who's seen and heard enough to recognize a "Momma's Boy" when he sees one.

Great post! After reading each type I would say, 'That's my H!'. Then I would get to the next and say the same thing. He's mostly the third kind with mixes of the first two. You really know your mama's boys! I wish I had read up on all of this as a teenager before I met him but back then I bet none of it would have mattered to me. He was charming and more importantly convincing. It took years and years for me to see through it.

[neverendingsaga]

There are 3 Classes of Momma's Boys to beware of:

 

Class A: Narcassist - He holds no boundaries for himself but expects you to live by his rules and regulations. He is typically the most secure in himself and demonstrates the most extreme in controlling behavior, often through authoritative physical and emotional manipulation, to outright demand respect and adoration of the women in his life. He is extremely opinionated and only allows those who bow to his will to remain within his inner circle. Although he can be outwardly charming in his confidence he has a tendency to be spiteful, physical, or dismissive of those women who won't get with his program. He feels endowed, by virtue of his own vaulted self-assurance, with the authority to carry and maintain affairs with any women he wants without consequence because its their honor to have the attention from a man of his power, stature and intelligence. He was raised by a domineering mother that dominated the household and held him out to be her favorite child who deserved all he demanded and could do no wrong.

 

Class B: Entitlement Prince - He is aware of boundaries but he feels entitled to breach them because he believes women demand that he be the center of attention and the object of everyone's adoration yet, he is insecure and uncertain of himself when ostracized. He demonstrates controlling behavior mainly by charming emotional manipulation and wll respond with jealosy and spiteful behavior if an attempt is made to usurp him from his pedestal or any woman he's fancies tries to leave his circle of adoration. He strives to project an illusion of charm and an innate sense for the emotional needs of women in his goal to charm the largest circle of admirerers that he can manipulate. He was raised at the knee of a very manipulative woman, likened to a drama queen, who used extreme wile to achieve control in her household. He's learned the most on how to manipulate the emotions of women because he sharpened his womanly wiles early in life charming his mother to secure her attention or anything else he wanted from her. He feels that, since all women yearn for a man of his exceptional charm, personality, and wiley sense of empathy for their emotional desire for romance, he's entitled to all the love and adoration he wants from every woman he fancies.

 

Class C: Leech - He respects boundaries as long as YOU take care of HIM. He is typically clingy, needy, and the most insecure by nature of the 3 Classes and exhibits control primarily by emotional manipulation of a woman's mothering instinct. Rejection is met with prolonged sulking, and temper tantrums. His main objective is financial and emotional security by attaching himself to a (preferably working) spouse who adores him. He was raised by an overly doting mother who rarely allowed him to do or think for himself. Although this type of individual demands to be the center of his wife's attention he routinely ignores many of her emotional needs and often withholds intimacy and support if he feels she isn't doting on him enough since his mother made him believe that no woman is truly good enough for the affections of her boy if she isn't waiting on him hand and foot. He believes thay by stroking a woman's maternal nerve center with his own needs she feels more needed, wanted, and loved making him feel extremely desirable for a woman with a nurturing oriented need in a relationship. He tends to get jealous of the attention devoted by his spouse to his own children though, especially when they're infants, which can be a motivating factor for his desire to commit infidelity. Oddly enough, he is the only type of individual people automatically think of when defining a Momma's Boy.

 

The common denominators all 3 Classes share is selfishness and a loyalty directed primarily unto themselves. Although each will verbally espouse love to the women in their lives, they all use charm, adopted through a close relationships with their mothers, to ply women women with a false sense of emotional connection they may be vulnerable to in order to secure money, adoration, or both.

 

 

Disclaimer: These assessments were not based on any known scientific study but merely observations of someone who's seen and heard enough to recognize a "Momma's Boy" when he sees one.

 

wow pelican your really good at this you SHOULD write a book! or be a psychologist or something LOL.

 

man, my XMM is def. number 3. i was beg. to think he was a narcissist but i see SO many signs of how he views his wife (withholding emotional comfort from HER b/c she doesnt bend to his every whim- she does make good money too- & then blaming the fact that there M is distant on HER), & me (i do have a strong nurturing instinct & he liked to make me feel guilty for not taking care of him enough or hurting HIS feelings by telling him when -I- was hurt... crazy). but his mom died when he was pretty young, a young teenager, so i dont know if that has anything to do w/ his personality.

 

of course i love him & i think of all his good sides too- he can be very charming & doting & hes very smart. but it helps to look at him in an objective way- his good & bad parts instead of the side he may show me to 'woo' me into his 'circle of adoration' LOL

 

whiteflower- i was thinking of your ? about when i started to notice how self centered XMM was. well i had signs of it all along. they are clear as day looking back w/ better perspective. & i even saw them at the time but i was too in love w/ him to stop & think. he told me bad things about nearly everyone at work & told me i should just take projects from a few 'okay' ppl (who were all his friends) & him. if i had a good relationship w/ someone at work he would find a way to ruin it- he would tell me something bad they said about me or my work behind my back (maybe he made it up!?) or he woudl tell me they werent being fair or they were to difficult to work for & i would believe him, stupidly. so i burned a lot of bridges b/c i wanted to impress him & i thought he was guiding me but now i realise he was just trying to get me under his exclusive control. UGH i did so many things wrong!!

 

i was just reading an old journal entry where he was mad that i was paying more attention to my friend's baby that i was babysitting than i was to him when he was over for a visit. he left my house in a huff for no reason (at least that i could figure out). NOW i realise its b/c he didnt feel i was paying him enough attention. & i had even written in my journal things he said to that effect. 'your going to put the baby to sleep in your BEDroom, where we are?' (uh yeah b/c i need to WATCH her... weirdo. at the time i was THINKING that & i even said to him, why are you acting this way?!?! but i didnt have the clear sight to realise he was so self centered & this was just a part of his personality. geez imagine if we HAD had kids... pelicans predictions about him being jealous of even our kids might have come true! yikes scary thought.)

[White Flower]

the update on me is that things are more peaceful. ever since MM said he understood my position he has been much better. he does stop by my office & find reasons to have me come to his & he drops lil comments like this is hard for him & he hasnt slept for the last 3 nights. i am not harsh enough to tell him, that is inappropriate, i just say something like 'im sorry we got ourselves into this mess' or some other little thing that isnt too nice to him but isnt mean to him. and that seems to pacify him enough that he doesnt flip out like he was doing. i think if he feels some control over the situation/ the NC then he is ok. but he flipped out b/c he felt no control at all. i think he still thinks the door is partly open & theres room to get back inside sometime. well he wrong, he aint coming back in unless hes D'ed LOL but i will just continue to show him that w/ consistency... something i havent had in the past!

 

i hope your doing well. thanks for the discussions.

Wow! It sounds as though you are doing so well! I'm proud of you and hope you can keep it up. What strength you are showing.

 

I am doing well and thank YOU for the discussions.

[neverendingsaga]

Great post! After reading each type I would say, 'That's my H!'. Then I would get to the next and say the same thing. He's mostly the third kind with mixes of the first two. You really know your mama's boys! I wish I had read up on all of this as a teenager before I met him but back then I bet none of it would have mattered to me. He was charming and more importantly convincing. It took years and years for me to see through it.

 

HMMM maybe you are my XMM's W & he is trying on me the same things he did to you for years. now THAT would be a creepy thought!!!

 

i saw my XMM in all of them to but esp. the last one. when i got to the last one i was like bingo, thats him.

 

ugh why do we fall for these men. most be there charming & emotionally manipulative side. i think we deserve better than to be married to or the other women to such selfish men! i will def. pick more carefully next time. at least this has been a learning experience 4 sure LOL

[neverendingsaga]

Wow! It sounds as though you are doing so well! I'm proud of you and hope you can keep it up. What strength you are showing.

 

I am doing well and thank YOU for the discussions.

 

thanks. being strong & not giving in to him/ continuing the A makes me feel much happier then when i was continuing to be OW- at least emotionally- in misery. its weird b/c i have moments of sadness & missing him- which is when i come on here & vent LOL- and i feel confused & guilty & wondering how i could have done all this- but overall i am much happier. i guess b/c i am finding my way out. i just wish i had figured this out a lot sooner. like i wish i had known better then to be an OW. i didnt even think of myself as an OW for a logn time. i was in total denial. but i guess part of moving on is knowing that know that i KNOW whats what i wont make the same mistakes again. so overall im more happy than ive been since i started this whole mess. im glad your doing well!

[White Flower]

thanks. being strong & not giving in to him/ continuing the A makes me feel much happier then when i was continuing to be OW- at least emotionally- in misery. its weird b/c i have moments of sadness & missing him- which is when i come on here & vent LOL- and i feel confused & guilty & wondering how i could have done all this- but overall i am much happier. i guess b/c i am finding my way out. i just wish i had figured this out a lot sooner. like i wish i had known better then to be an OW. i didnt even think of myself as an OW for a logn time. i was in total denial. but i guess part of moving on is knowing that know that i KNOW whats what i wont make the same mistakes again. so overall im more happy than ive been since i started this whole mess. im glad your doing well!

I'm going to do something I don't usually do and that is to quote the Bible. Only problem is, is I forgot the actual scripture (Bent, help me out here;)). But Jesus said not to regret the path which brought you here (to me?). IOW, you are a stronger, wiser woman who knows exactly what she wants now. The pain will always remind you of which path to take in life. No regrets, only experience and knowledge.

[White Flower]

HMMM maybe you are my XMM's W & he is trying on me the same things he did to you for years. now THAT would be a creepy thought!!!

 

i saw my XMM in all of them to but esp. the last one. when i got to the last one i was like bingo, thats him.

 

ugh why do we fall for these men. most be there charming & emotionally manipulative side. i think we deserve better than to be married to or the other women to such selfish men! i will def. pick more carefully next time. at least this has been a learning experience 4 sure LOL

There you go;)

[bentnotbroken]

I'm going to do something I don't usually do and that is to quote the Bible. Only problem is, is I forgot the actual scripture (Bent, help me out here;)). But Jesus said not to regret the path which brought you here (to me?). IOW, you are a stronger, wiser woman who knows exactly what she wants now. The pain will always remind you of which path to take in life. No regrets, only experience and knowledge.

 

 

 

The only scripture I can think of is in 2 Corinthians 7:10. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret. I am not sure that is what you are talking about, but I will do some research.

[neverendingsaga]

I'm going to do something I don't usually do and that is to quote the Bible. Only problem is, is I forgot the actual scripture (Bent, help me out here;)). But Jesus said not to regret the path which brought you here (to me?). IOW, you are a stronger, wiser woman who knows exactly what she wants now. The pain will always remind you of which path to take in life. No regrets, only experience and knowledge.

 

this is really true!! maybe i had to find out the hard way that being an OW or any part of a cheating senario is just not for me. i do have regrets but i guess i can use them to my advantage as a reminder to do things that make me feel strong proud & happy instead of down & regretful & weak. i guess it all works together to show me where NOT to go in the future.

[neverendingsaga]

The only scripture I can think of is in 2 Corinthians 7:10. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret. I am not sure that is what you are talking about, but I will do some research.

 

im not sure of the scripture but it made me think of the song 'god bless the broken road that led me straight to you.' i doubt thats what you guys were thinking of though LOL

[bentnotbroken]

this is really true!! maybe i had to find out the hard way that being an OW or any part of a cheating senario is just not for me. i do have regrets but i guess i can use them to my advantage as a reminder to do things that make me feel strong proud & happy instead of down & regretful & weak. i guess it all works together to show me where NOT to go in the future.

 

 

 

Basically what WF is trying to say, is we all do things that aren't pleasing to God. We are human and live in the flesh, so God knows we aren't going always to take the path of least resistance. We have have to find things out on our own, right or wrong. But what the scripture that I posted says, is that when we repentant(know what we have done is wrong, is sorry for it and turn away from it)it leads to your salvation from the distress of the situation. Therefore you have nothing to regret. You acknowledged the act and turned away from it. You have learned a valuable lesson. Why should that continue to be held against you? If God forgets what we do when we ask sincerely, why should men hold it over your head? Move forward with no regrets. Don't look back.

[neverendingsaga]

Basically what WF is trying to say, is we all do things that aren't pleasing to God. We are human and live in the flesh, so God knows we aren't going always to take the path of least resistance. We have have to find things out on our own, right or wrong. But what the scripture that I posted says, is that when we repentant(know what we have done is wrong, is sorry for it and turn away from it)it leads to your salvation from the distress of the situation. Therefore you have nothing to regret. You acknowledged the act and turned away from it. You have learned a valuable lesson. Why should that continue to be held against you? If God forgets what we do when we ask sincerely, why should men hold it over your head? Move forward with no regrets. Don't look back.

 

thanks bentnotbroken. i think my guilt was telling me i was doing the wrong thing, i was not being true to what i believe, which is in commitment & honestly & only two ppl being together. i hope now that ive started to do the right thing i can get rid of that feeling of having done the WRONG thing for so long. i guess it just takes time though b/c at some times i look forward to my future & at other times i regret my past. really how i stay sane in the moment is to make sure i am CURRENTLY doing things right, & being true to what i believe, b/c thats all i can really do. when i was w/ XMM i would KNOW i was doing something wrong but i'd do it anyway and make excuses. i have stopped doing that & now im just making sure that -I'M- doing what i think is right, w/ or w/out XMM.

[bentnotbroken]

im not sure of the scripture but it made me think of the song 'god bless the broken road that led me straight to you.' i doubt thats what you guys were thinking of though LOL

 

 

 

Do you think that you are the only one who has traveled a road that God didn't want us to travel. Maybe it wasn't being with a MP, but we have all done something that we should be ashamed of and God isn't happy with. My anger is a huge stumbling block to my relationship with God. In that anger I have done somethings that I am not proud of. I have lied about different things in my life, I have acted out of revenge(payback used to feel so good)and I have hurt people that I never intended to in to during those times, including my children.

 

I grew angry and more depressed than usual. It became a vicious cycle that lead to my own destruction. But I have no regrets. In Christ I am new. I have gone to the people that I have hurt, apologized to my kids and I asked God for forgiveness. It doesn't matter what anyone else says about my past, it is my PAST. Yes, it can be hard sometimes to live down what others remember, but I do know who I am now. You know who you are today, so go from here.