XMM emailed me at work. my response should be?

[serial muse]

i live far away from my family so that makes it hard. but i think i will reach out & try to talk to them more & spend more time w/ my good friends, so to have other outlets besides XMM & make me happy w/out him.

 

thx again for the help. i think somehow it helped me to realise that im not happy right now & for good reason... i did stupid things that hurt me & his w even if she doesnt know it. so i cant expect everything to be rosy right away but i can work on it.

 

This is a great idea...right now he's trying to engage you in a power struggle (that's how his second email reads to me) and it can be really hard to hold out against the guilt-tripping and the word-twisting without support. Good friends will be there for you and help you remember who you are away from this man.

 

It's wise of you to realize things won't be rosy right away, but the first step is gaining distance and perspective. You don't even need to respond again - you said your piece, and there's nothing more to say. He knows the deal; all of that sturm und drang that he'll bombard you with from now on is just him trying anything he can to get you to renegotiate something that's non-negotiable.

 

Chin up.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't know of anything that is worth having, you get right away. You don't get into messes overnight, and you don't get out overnight. The thing to remember is that we all to things that aren't good for us or others, it doesn't mean that we can't stop doing those things and move forward with a renewed sense of self and a clarity of boundaries. You know those guard rails along highways, they are there to help keep us safe. They are there so that if we run off the road, there is some type of protection to slow us down and try to stop us from going over the side.

 

 

 

We don't always like the boundaries when they stand between us and what we want. Boundaries aren't pretty and sometimes they are annoying, like when they are spoiling the view of beautiful scenery, but they are there for a purpose.

[neverendingsaga]

This is a great idea...right now he's trying to engage you in a power struggle (that's how his second email reads to me) and it can be really hard to hold out against the guilt-tripping and the word-twisting without support. Good friends will be there for you and help you remember who you are away from this man.

 

It's wise of you to realize things won't be rosy right away, but the first step is gaining distance and perspective. You don't even need to respond again - you said your piece, and there's nothing more to say. He knows the deal; all of that sturm und drang that he'll bombard you with from now on is just him trying anything he can to get you to renegotiate something that's non-negotiable.

 

Chin up.

 

i am not going to respond to him, no worries there. actually he just came by my office (totally unnecessarily) & tried to joke w/ me. he asked me what kind of powerbars i like best. ?!?!?!?!!?!??!?! he was dressed in his work out clothes & our offices gym is near my office but there was no need to come by on his way & ask me about powerbars dressed like that, i thought it was totally inappropriate.

 

i had no idea what to say. i wanted to say 'please leave me alone' but he would take that as harsh & start a fight w/ me & there are ppl around. maybe he did it to see if i would still talk to him, which is kind of stupid b/c obviously i HAD to say something, w/ all those ppl around. i just stared at him dumbfounded like HOW can you be laughing & joking & asking me such a silly question when my heart is here breaking B/C i am trying to give you up & you are making that really difficult & showing me what an as%hole you really are.

 

i ended up just saying 'what does that matter' and shooting him a glare. i guess he got the hint B/C he walked away kind of shaking his head like what is wrong w/ ME. on his way out he said 'i was wondering what kind to order [then he laughed] but your right it doesnt matter now.' then he tried to shut my door half way & i said 'don't do that, leave my door like it is' and he said, 'isnt that what you wanted, not to be bothered?' and i said, 'no, i want to see when my assistant gets back from lunch thank you, leave it open.'

 

?!?!?!

 

i have no idea why he is doing this but my plan is just to ignore him ignore him ignore him & if he does try to contact me even in weird silly ways like that i will just say whatever is necessary to make him get the point that i STILL dont want to talk to him even about seemingly silly things.

[neverendingsaga]

I don't know of anything that is worth having, you get right away. You don't get into messes overnight, and you don't get out overnight. The thing to remember is that we all to things that aren't good for us or others, it doesn't mean that we can't stop doing those things and move forward with a renewed sense of self and a clarity of boundaries. You know those guard rails along highways, they are there to help keep us safe. They are there so that if we run off the road, there is some type of protection to slow us down and try to stop us from going over the side.

 

 

 

We don't always like the boundaries when they stand between us and what we want. Boundaries aren't pretty and sometimes they are annoying, like when they are spoiling the view of beautiful scenery, but they are there for a purpose.

 

right, there is a point to all of this which is to teach me to have boundaries & not give in to listening to the sweet sweet words of married men who act like im their whole world. whatever. now i just want to barf.

[kellykellykelly]

well he wrote me right back & said this is new information than i told him before, that before i said he could contact me if he was ready to go 'public'. it also blamed me for not being clear & stated that he resents my implication that he is playing games etc. oh he also said that i hurt his feelings b/c he had 'one very important question' he really needed to ask me & he thought he was allowed to ask me something important that came up after our talk (this has changed, at first it was a couple questions he wanted to ask me but would refrain now that he knows he is not supposed to contact me) & i blew him off by not letting him ask me (this was AFTER he had sent me an email saying never mind about the questions now that he knows hes not supposed to contact me). WTF?!?!!? he makes no sense.

 

 

I know this isn't the least bit funny, but I had to laugh a little. I have had so many confusing conversations with my MM where in the end I'm like WTF? Really, WTF just happened, what did he say, but that's not what I meant, I wonder if...., Then finally realizing I can't figure this **** out no matter how hard I try. God! It can really get ridiculous. I think they do it on purpose.

[neverendingsaga]

I know this isn't the least bit funny, but I had to laugh a little. I have had so many confusing conversations with my MM where in the end I'm like WTF? Really, WTF just happened, what did he say, but that's not what I meant, I wonder if...., Then finally realizing I can't figure this **** out no matter how hard I try. God! It can really get ridiculous. I think they do it on purpose.

 

me too. they wont be pinned down to any one viewpoint or plan or concrete info B/C then they cant change it later & do something the way they want instead of the way we want. Ughghghg. its like they purposefully F w/ our heads.

 

i just want a man who is clear about how he feels about me & what he wants to do about it. is that such a hard thing to ask (sigh)

[pelicanpreacher]

Like I said in my previous post..."Now the games begin"!

 

your right, i think thats exactly why he sent that. well & B/C he was moping around feeling lonely & neglected B/C i didnt contact him all weekend except to say no contact.

 

i hope he saw my response as strong & realizes he cant keep pushing me over. i am so glad i said that was going to be my last personal email B/C now i have no excuse to respond to him anymore. i will be true to myself no matter what he throws at me.

 

it almost like i love him & hate him... nearly despise him at moments like these!!... at the same time. is that even possible??

 

I'm telling you, you're going about this the wrong way!

Right now he's got you exactly where he wants you. He has stepped up his campaign to keep you off balance and is innundating you with these high strung messages to hold your intrigue and focus your attention on his needs, his wants, his feelings, his plans, his schemes, his games, his pain, his frustration, his will, his way, his, his, his, his, his....!

 

He's dedicated his effort to keeping your emotions rolling on maximum tilt by purposely playing with your vulnerabilities right now to constantly get a rise out of you. Intense love, ebullient adoration, loathing disgust, heartbreaking grief, and spiteful hate are all useful states of emotion he'll manipulate as long as he has access to you and can get the reaction he wants. He thinks that as long as he can maintain your emotions towards him at their highest mode, no matter what he can illicit, you won't be able to focus or become enamored with anything or anyone else.

 

Indifference kills the spirit of the "Momma's Boy"! (He will lose his mind once you achieve this)

 

You don't need to find rescue by flinging yourself into the arms of another but I would tell you to go out with your girlfriends and "paint the town red"! You need to devote all your energies into yourself to take your life back because your peace of mind is at stake. Be more selfish and a lot less selfless. Make me, me, me, your friend instead of your enemy. Don't sit around the house if you don't have to. Achieve a real sense of "joi de vivre"(I hope I got that right) by exploring and thrilling in new people, interests, and adventures every chance you get. Put him out of your mind and out of your heart by focusing on your life and your dreams. Ignore him, forget him, and burn rubber down the road to diss him. Leave him and all his foolishness without a 2nd thought in a choking cloud of dust.

 

This won't stop his games but it will allow you to distance your perspective and see him for all he is and is not. Once you're laughing at him instead of with him then you'll be the one shaking your head and chuckling when HE walks away muttering and fuming!

[neverendingsaga]

thanks pelican, how do you know the games he is playing so well?? i guess he is really doing all of this on purpose to get to me huh. i will concentrate on myself & on having a grande old time.

[pelicanpreacher]

I'm reading his script right from the book of "How to be a Momma's Boy"!

 

The one thing you need to watch out for is if he carries a violent or vindictive side within his nature. Remember, until you started questioning your relationship with him, all he ever showed you was his "good side"!Also, if he ever does leave his wife he is going to expect and feel entitled to ownership of you. Mamma's boys are controlling that way. Your game is to frustrate the hell out of him, embarrass him, put him in his place, and then spin his dumb @ss into a dark orbit without allowing him to mess with you or your life!

 

Mamma's boys deserve a "beat down"!

[frannie]

... he wrote me right back & said this is new information than i told him before, that before i said he could contact me if he was ready to go 'public'. it also blamed me for not being clear & stated that he resents my implication that he is playing games etc. oh he also said that i hurt his feelings b/c he had 'one very important question' he really needed to ask me & he thought he was allowed to ask me something important that came up after our talk.

 

i am not going to respond to him, no worries there. actually he just came by my office (totally unnecessarily) & tried to joke w/ me. he asked me what kind of powerbars i like best. ?!?!?!?!!?!??!?! he was dressed in his work out clothes & our offices gym is near my office but there was no need to come by on his way & ask me about powerbars dressed like that, i thought it was totally inappropriate.

 

NES, the more you write about this man, the more convinced I am (and I'm already convinced) that he's not worth your time, and that the best thing that could happen is if he fades out of your life and you never, ever, have a relationship with him. He just sounds so awful, can you imagine living with someone like this? What about respect for you? He has NONE. It's all about him. I'm so glad you realise that:

 

... sadly im beginning to realise your right. he is selfish & he overreacts hurtfully when his own feelings are hurt B/C he only thinks about himself. really i sit here & think, even if he was unclear about the terms of NC, if he truly loved me, wouldnt he ask me 'can you please explain what exactly is to happen b/t us untill im D'ed, i want you to be happy so im just asking so that i know the boundaries & then ill be sure to respect them.'

 

but no. he sent me an email to purposefully try to make me feel bad for what he calls blowing him off. he sends that 1st thing in the morning during a new work week!!! if he really cared about me, he wouldnt do that. he wouldnt want to make me so stressed at work at the very least.

 

he is not the man i thought he was. i had him built up into this perfectly romantic loving doting caring man. well he was but obviously only when it worked in his favor & he was getting something back. ever since ive asked for NC he has been doing one thing or another to try to go AGAINST my wishes.

 

... i just also dont want to hate him like this. i want to be indifferent & move on. how can i do that?

 

Well, I think you have to go through all these emotions (including 'hating') before you become indifferent. You just have to feel them. I mean, you have every right to be angry with him, so you'd be pretty unusual if you didn't feel the way you're feeling.

 

... strangely i feel guilty, like by saying 'get D'ed or you cant talk to me', im kind of forcing him to get D'ed.

 

... i guess i just have to admit that i DO want him to get D'ed, obviously, or else we cant be together. but i still want him to do it on his own & not b/c of me.

 

I think you're thinking too much, here. No one can force anyone to get a divorce. As WWIU said in her response to you, this is how it would have to be if you two were to be together.

 

maybe i dont deserve to be happy... with or w/out him. B/C all along i was trying to be happy w/ him at someone elses expense... his W.

 

i am really having some low moments, i regret everything. how could i have wanted to be w/ him when that meant obviously he couldnt be w/ her. and part of me still wants that, i guess B/C im used to wanting it for so long, but now i realise ive been selfish just like him. i feel like something must be wrong with me.

 

Nothing is wrong with you. Everything you're feeling is perfectly normal in this situation. I think all you're doing is taking those emotions and running with them and thinking too much, NES. Plus, I have to say it, you have a real downer on yourself, which is evident in so many of your posts. You seem to turn everything into how bad or awful you are, and that's not going to make you feel any good about yourself.

 

... i guess i just feel embarased b/c the people who are close to me see what a failure i am.

 

See what I mean..? You're not a failure!

 

... i told my best friend but she didnt want to hear it. she told me to knock it off & if i wasnt going to take her advice about not talking to him unless hes D'ed, then she didnt want to hear it from me.

 

And get some new friends who can actually support you, rather than getting their pants in a twist if you don't do exactly what they say!

 

(( NES ))

 

For what it's worth, I think you're a very astute woman, but who takes thinking and worrying a bit too far at times, and needs to stop beating herself up!

[neverendingsaga]

I'm reading his script right from the book of "How to be a Momma's Boy"!

 

The one thing you need to watch out for is if he carries a violent or vindictive side within his nature. Remember, until you started questioning your relationship with him, all he ever showed you was his "good side"!Also, if he ever does leave his wife he is going to expect and feel entitled to ownership of you. Mamma's boys are controlling that way. Your game is to frustrate the hell out of him, embarrass him, put him in his place, and then spin his dumb @ss into a dark orbit without allowing him to mess with you or your life!

 

Mamma's boys deserve a "beat down"!

 

i doubt he carries a violent side but a vindictive side wouldnt surprise me. your right, hes like jekyl & hyde. when i was happy to be w/ him he was oh so sweet & good to me. but when i tell him anything he doesnt want to hear he flips out & becomes a totally different, selfish, nasty, almost crazy person. i guess i had a hard time figuring out which one was really HIM ya know. after he got angry or throws an immature fit like that, he'd call me & apologize and tell me he just has so many emotions for me & he just doesnt want to lose me. i used to think: well then get a friggin' divorce. right now, today, i just think: he has issues. i guess its mommas boy issues but i am beg. to wonder if he is like narcissistic or something, it is really extreme & he only seems to be this way w/ me, no one else. i often wonder if he acts this way w/ his wife. ive met her and she seems like a totally cool, strong, put together woman. so i just cant see him getting away w/ acting like that to her- maybe thats why he (claims to) resents her & felt free to act like an immature spoiled brat w/ me when the occasion suits him. ((sigh))

 

its a strange feeling but right now i still feel love for him, i guess that is hard to kill, but i also feel hate or disdain & im honestly glad im getting out of this. i would hate to married to him if he acted like that so i wonder how i could have put up w/ it for this long. when he was obviously only giving me crumbs AND still feeling entitled to act like a jerk to me whenever i did/ said something that 'hurt his little feelings'. well theres my anger talking LOL

[whichwayisup]

to wonder if he is like narcissistic or something, it is really extreme & he only seems to be this way w/ me, no one else. i often wonder if he acts this way w/ his wife. ive met her and she seems like a totally cool, strong, put together woman. so i just cant see him getting away w/ acting like that to her- maybe thats why he (claims to) resents her & felt free to act like an immature spoiled brat w/ me when the occasion suits him. ((sigh))

 

That's the thing, you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Only him and his wife do. And yes, she probably is well aware of his mood changes, people like that come as a package so I'm sure she just deals with it a certain way. Though it is possible he is purposely being an A-hole to you because he can.

 

when he was obviously only giving me crumbs AND still feeling entitled to act like a jerk to me whenever i did/ said something that 'hurt his little feelings'. well theres my anger talking LOL

 

Then don't settle for crumbs.

[neverendingsaga]

NES, the more you write about this man, the more convinced I am (and I'm already convinced) that he's not worth your time, and that the best thing that could happen is if he fades out of your life and you never, ever, have a relationship with him. He just sounds so awful, can you imagine living with someone like this? What about respect for you? He has NONE. It's all about him. I'm so glad you realise that:

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I think you have to go through all these emotions (including 'hating') before you become indifferent. You just have to feel them. I mean, you have every right to be angry with him, so you'd be pretty unusual if you didn't feel the way you're feeling.

 

 

 

I think you're thinking too much, here. No one can force anyone to get a divorce. As WWIU said in her response to you, this is how it would have to be if you two were to be together.

 

 

 

Nothing is wrong with you. Everything you're feeling is perfectly normal in this situation. I think all you're doing is taking those emotions and running with them and thinking too much, NES. Plus, I have to say it, you have a real downer on yourself, which is evident in so many of your posts. You seem to turn everything into how bad or awful you are, and that's not going to make you feel any good about yourself.

 

 

 

See what I mean..? You're not a failure!

 

 

 

And get some new friends who can actually support you, rather than getting their pants in a twist if you don't do exactly what they say!

 

(( NES ))

 

For what it's worth, I think you're a very astute woman, but who takes thinking and worrying a bit too far at times, and needs to stop beating herself up!

 

 

awww thanks frannie. your so sweet, and helpful. your right that im really down on myself right now, i will have to work on that but i dont see how at this point in time i can be proud of myself or pat myself on the back for being such an idiot for so long LOL. im actually just trying to pat myself on the back for finally ENDING the 'never ending saga' once & for all, and for keeping NC.

 

last night he sent me a TEXT- i seriously felt like going over there to there house and strangling him or at least saying to him 'ok, text me & talk to me now in front of your wife you wimp.'!!! his text said 'im sorry for texting you. im sorry for upsetting you today. im sorry for everything. however i still have one very important question to ask you if youll let me and i dont want to do it over text. if you dont let me ill understand.'

 

?!?!?!?! who texts and says 'sorry for texting'? HIM. geez.

 

argh. i realized that something that worked for me really well was telling him 'this is the last personal email i will send you.' after that i knew i couldnt go back on my promise to MYSELF and end up looking inconsistent & wavering. i think he knew that too b/c he didnt send me any more emails- he just came to my office to bother me, a problem i cant solve at this point, & sent me that text. so i said fine & texted him back 'you clearly dont understand or else you would not be contacting me. whatever question you have can wait untill your no longer married to ask me. until then, do not contact me, by email as well as by text. this is the last text im going to send you.'

 

well then he sent me one back that said 'i am sorry. i understand how you feel and i will leave u alone.'

 

OKAY. finally. of course i did not text him back & i hope he is being sincere w/ that. maybe i just need to spell out to him all the ways he CANT contact me. im sure he already knows all of that but it helps me to make it clear to him what i will no longer be doing so that *i* dont ever go back on it. i know that i will not text or email him anymore. i feel like its taking me forever to reach true NC but at least im burning the bridges of communication along the way, & each time i make a promise to myself & know im going to keep it- like not emailing or texting him- i feel a lot happier.

[whichwayisup]

OKAY. finally. of course i did not text him back & i hope he is being sincere w/ that. maybe i just need to spell out to him all the ways he CANT contact me.

 

Block him! Let him contact you all you want. It is totally pointless to react everytime he contacts you to tell him NOT to contact you. Actions speak louder than words so just IGNORE him. Trust me, he WILL see that you aren't falling for his tricks by saying stupid things to you through texts, emails and IM's.

[taylor]

NES - I have SO enjoyed reading this thread. I can't relate to any of it because my situation is entirely different than yours. But I do have an objective viewpoint regarding your situation that I'd like to post. Here is my take:

 

YOU are the one with the power right now even though you may not "feel" like you have it. Go Girl!

 

Your MM is throwing a huge temper tantrum because he isn't getting his way. You took his control over you AWAY FROM HIM, like taking a toy back from a bully kid who stole it from you. You have the control now and he is ticked about it. You have stripped him of his ability to manipulate him. He can't play the game now..and so now he is huffing and puffing about it.

 

Of course he is upset you "blew him off." By going NC you took away his ability..his access.. to control and manipulate you. Keep that road block up (NC) so that he has no way to steal that control/power back from you. Keep that road block up (NC) so that he has no way to manipulate you.

 

I loved the scenario about "what kind of POWER bar do you like." Sounds a little ironic, doesn't it? I had to laugh

 

You may "feel" weak inside, and you may "say" you are weak inside, But your ACTIONS are speaking louder than your words..your actions are screaming out to him (and to us): I AM STRONG and I AM NOT PUTTING UP WITH THIS BULLCR*P ANYMORE!

 

Stay strong. Don't let him ruffle your feathers. Instead, amuse yourself with his childish behavior. Get a good laugh from it all. It is like watching a little kid throwing a temper tantrum to get your attention, to get you to give in, to give him what HE wants. He looks kinda silly, doesn't he?

 

Act indifferent to him. That shows him his immature, childish behavior has no effect whatsoever on you.

 

My only question to you is why would you want a future with a man like this? You are seeing his true colors when he doesn't get his way. How do you think marriage would be like with a man who behaves like this every time he doesn't get his way?

 

You are an inspiration to other OW's who are seeking strength to stand up for themselves and regain their respect and dignity.

[neverendingsaga]

Block him! Let him contact you all you want. It is totally pointless to react everytime he contacts you to tell him NOT to contact you. Actions speak louder than words so just IGNORE him. Trust me, he WILL see that you aren't falling for his tricks by saying stupid things to you through texts, emails and IM's.

 

i dont know how to block his texts or calls to my cell phone. and i cant block his emails at work. honestly i wish i could just lose my phone for awhile b/c whenever i get a text from him my stomach curls.

[whichwayisup]

Your MM is throwing a huge temper tantrum because he isn't getting his way. You took his control over you AWAY FROM HIM, like taking a toy back from a bully kid who stole it from you. You have the control now and he is ticked about it. You have stripped him of his ability to manipulate him. He can't play the game now..and so now he is huffing and puffing about it.

 

And it's all ego.

 

Good post reply Taylor!

[whichwayisup]

i dont know how to block his texts or calls to my cell phone. and i cant block his emails at work. honestly i wish i could just lose my phone for awhile b/c whenever i get a text from him my stomach curls.

 

Can you change your cell number? Or cancel your text messaging feature on your phone?

[taylor]

NES - I have SO enjoyed reading this thread. I can't relate to any of it because my situation is entirely different than yours. But I do have an objective viewpoint regarding your situation that I'd like to post. Here is my take:

 

YOU are the one with the power right now even though you may not "feel" like you have it. Go Girl!

 

Your MM is throwing a huge temper tantrum because he isn't getting his way. You took his control over you AWAY FROM HIM, like taking a toy back from a bully kid who stole it from you. You have the control now and he is ticked about it. You have stripped him of his ability to manipulate him. He can't play the game now..and so now he is huffing and puffing about it.

 

Of course he is upset you "blew him off." By going NC you took away his ability..his access.. to control and manipulate you. Keep that road block up (NC) so that he has no way to steal that control/power back from you. Keep that road block up (NC) so that he has no way to manipulate you.

 

I loved the scenario about "what kind of POWER bar do you like." Sounds a little ironic, doesn't it? I had to laugh

 

You may "feel" weak inside, and you may "say" you are weak inside, But your ACTIONS are speaking louder than your words..your actions are screaming out to him (and to us): I AM STRONG and I AM NOT PUTTING UP WITH THIS BULLCR*P ANYMORE!

 

Stay strong. Don't let him ruffle your feathers. Instead, amuse yourself with his childish behavior. Get a good laugh from it all. It is like watching a little kid throwing a temper tantrum to get your attention, to get you to give in, to give him what HE wants. He looks kinda silly, doesn't he?

 

Act indifferent to him. That shows him his immature, childish behavior has no effect whatsoever on you.

 

My only question to you is why would you want a future with a man like this? You are seeing his true colors when he doesn't get his way. How do you think marriage would be like with a man who behaves like this every time he doesn't get his way?

 

You are an inspiration to other OW's who are seeking strength to stand up for themselves and regain their respect and dignity.

[FridayGal]

he is not the man i thought he was. i had him built up into this perfectly romantic loving doting caring man. well he was but obviously only when it worked in his favor & he was getting something back. ever since ive asked for NC he has been doing one thing or another to try to go AGAINST my wishes. the last straw being that he told me he had a great plan for us to be together, only for me to find out it was just another way to talk to me & find out if im still waiting. yes i was, but im not anymore.

 

i just also dont want to hate him like this. i want to be indifferent & move on. how can i do that?

 

Loving a doting only goes so far, I guess. They all seem to turn into creeps at one point or another.

 

If you can figure out how to be indifferent without going through the hating first, you oughta bottle it and sell it. You'd make a mint!!

[Order & Chaos]

i wish i had those cojones. sadly the last thing i could imagine myself doing is going to HR about him. i am quite sure they would side w/ him by default as he is the big man on the totem poll & im just starting out. other ppl have already gone to them about us- i guess to warn that -I- might go to them eventually?- & all they did is ask him if it was true & he denied it. we werent even really more careful after that, hr still saw us together all the time & doesnt seem to care.

 

i guess i also feel like i got into this mess myself & i have to get out of it myself. i couldnt back up that threat so i guess i shouldnt make it. (i mean unless he really did start harrassing me or taking out his personal issues by punishing me at work (which maybe he would do, i dont know, im beginning to think hes crazy. ). in that case i would def. do something. but here i see it as him trying to use any reason to hang on to me & all i want to do is get him to stop w/out bringing anybody else into this mess. i didnt go to them when i was happy to be w/ him so i wont go to them now that im unhappy, UNLESS he tries to screw me over at work. in that case all bets are off.

 

No you are totally off base here. If HR already knows about you guys then going to them would help continue with their paper trail on you guys and trust me there is a paper trail.

 

It doesn't matter if he denies it or not, you are complaining that there is harassment and from what you are writing there already is. You really need to send him exactly what Owl wrote, have it documented and if he breaks it go to HR.

 

And yes, you both could lose your jobs but the harassment isn't worth it.

 

The other issue is if he is a higher up (is he directly over you) then you already have a hostile work environment if not a possible quid pro quo issue going on. Dating at the same level, AP to AP, clerk to clerk, director to director is one thing. A supervisor dating a lower employee is ripe for issues. There is also a decent chance that there is an EEOC complaint here.

 

But regardless the idea that you guys are doing this on your work accounts, that you are leaving a trail like this does not bode well for the your future with the company. They own all rights to your emails and there is no time limit to when it can be brought back up (outside of their server space).

 

Please be very careful what you are doing in the workplace.

[Owl]

Good post, O&C. This is the point I was attempting to make as well.

 

If they already suspect something, you're not going to make anything worse by going to them. If you go to them, and can clearly DEMONSTRATE to them with emails and such that YOU are attempting to maintain a work environment and he is not...then they have to take action AGAINST HIM.

 

If you don't do anything, the odds are higher that they'll take action...against BOTH of you.

 

If you've clearly spelled this out to him already (in writing that you can use as documentation later)...and he continues to pursue you...HE will be the one at fault. Its a CYA thing at this point for you.

 

Not to mention...if you truly do want this to end, its likely the only to MAKE it end.

 

At the end of the day, the choice is yours. But give some thought to what O&C has said, along with my suggestions. You need to decide what you want, get a plan to get what you want...and then work your plan to make it happen.

[Order & Chaos]

Good post, O&C. This is the point I was attempting to make as well.

 

If they already suspect something, you're not going to make anything worse by going to them. If you go to them, and can clearly DEMONSTRATE to them with emails and such that YOU are attempting to maintain a work environment and he is not...then they have to take action AGAINST HIM.

 

If you don't do anything, the odds are higher that they'll take action...against BOTH of you.

 

If you've clearly spelled this out to him already (in writing that you can use as documentation later)...and he continues to pursue you...HE will be the one at fault. Its a CYA thing at this point for you.

 

Not to mention...if you truly do want this to end, its likely the only to MAKE it end.

 

At the end of the day, the choice is yours. But give some thought to what O&C has said, along with my suggestions. You need to decide what you want, get a plan to get what you want...and then work your plan to make it happen.

 

Yep, exactly!

 

I only offer this as I do head up an HR dept for a fairly large company. I am honest enough to tell that the HR dept is there for the well being of the company first, employees second. There should be some concern on whom is expendable and quite frankly most likely both of you (unless he is an owner and in that case, file with the EEOC, figure out a number you are going to settle at and move on).

 

Again, does your company have any policies about dating? If not then outside of the power inbalance you guys have it isn't necc something the company can or will do anything about. But once it does start showing a detrimental effect to the company by your work performance, etc than the company will do what it can to fix the problem. If HR is already aware then that has already started happening. I would assume, though, that since they are aware there is either 1, not an issue with the dating, or 2 you have an ineffective HR dept that either doesn't have the power/backing it should by higher ups or you have ineffective people in that dept. That is quite common in HR, we routinely have our hands tied.

 

But your best defense against your MM, the company, etc is to document, document, document. Save all emails, letter, etc so you can produce them at a latter date. Keep a journal of dates and times of meetings, etc so if you need them you have them.

 

And realize that you need to decide now, that any further involvement with your MM means you understand the risk of losing your job.

 

I'm not saying it will happen but it is a possibility that you should be prepared for especially since he is behaving in this seemingly reckless and less than mature way. Cover yourself and let him hang himself if he needs to. Life is a chess game and it isn't over till you lose your queen.

[neverendingsaga]

YOU are the one with the power right now even though you may not "feel" like you have it. Go Girl!

 

Your MM is throwing a huge temper tantrum because he isn't getting his way. You took his control over you AWAY FROM HIM, like taking a toy back from a bully kid who stole it from you. You have the control now and he is ticked about it. You have stripped him of his ability to manipulate him. He can't play the game now..and so now he is huffing and puffing about it.

 

Of course he is upset you "blew him off." By going NC you took away his ability..his access.. to control and manipulate you. Keep that road block up (NC) so that he has no way to steal that control/power back from you. Keep that road block up (NC) so that he has no way to manipulate you.

 

Stay strong. Don't let him ruffle your feathers. Instead, amuse yourself with his childish behavior. Get a good laugh from it all. It is like watching a little kid throwing a temper tantrum to get your attention, to get you to give in, to give him what HE wants. He looks kinda silly, doesn't he?

 

Act indifferent to him. That shows him his immature, childish behavior has no effect whatsoever on you.

 

My only question to you is why would you want a future with a man like this? You are seeing his true colors when he doesn't get his way. How do you think marriage would be like with a man who behaves like this every time he doesn't get his way?

 

You are an inspiration to other OW's who are seeking strength to stand up for themselves and regain their respect and dignity.

 

thanks taylor, for showing me how im strong even though i feel weak (not right now, but for ever getting involved w/ XMM in the 1st place & letting myself be strung along for so long.) im glad my story entertained you LOL, at least some good came of it. plus all the helpful advice ive gotten from posting it including from you!

 

you have him pegged- he IS like a spoiled rotten child throwing a temper tantrum sometimes. i wonder why he feels so entitled to me. i guess B/C ive let him be entitled to me for so long. it feels good to not really care anymore. yes i still have feelings for him & i feel down about my own past choices, but im no longer worried about our relationship or his D etc & thats a great feeling to have.

 

re: your question of why i would still want to be w/ him. thats a tricky one and one that owl asked me too. i guess B/C at one time i loved him w/ all my heart & it is hard to just get rid of those feelings. i do love his good qualities & i guess i was blinded to the bad. now that i see the bad i hope my 'love' for him eventually eases (as well as my hate). and i guess i also make excuses for him & feel that he is in a confused, unhappy place & he wouldnt act this way w/ me if it were just me & him together. but when i think about it realise that he always acted controlling or jealous or suspicious, even when we were pretty much 'together' all the time (when he was separated)... he still blamed it on us not being together the way he wanted but i could see it continuing even into a normal relationshiop B/C he seems to be immature & he constantly needed reassurance that i 'loved' him. i dont think that real love should be like that. so hopefully w/ this time & distance away from him i will gain better perspective & realize that he is just not good for me even if he does get D'ed.

 

thanks again.

[neverendingsaga]

Can you change your cell number? Or cancel your text messaging feature on your phone?

 

i always text my family who dont live near me. as well as my friends here. so i guess that leaves changing my cell phone number & telling everyone but him. i wonder how much that costs. i will look into it. it will give me peace of mind.