Prince charming=cowardly jerk????? WTF??

[smoochie]

Hey All,

 

I read this entire thread and am/was in the same boat until a few days ago. He dumped me as SOON as I told him I was giving him my heart...four days later to be exact. Anyway that was 5 1/2 weeks ago and I feel much better now. But I think the reason for it is because I sent a letter two weeks after the breakup outline factually what happened and how it made me feel. I told him he ever my trust fraudulently. Once I sent the letter I knew I wouldn't hear from him and didn't....until I went out.

 

I have seen him three times since the breakup and he has paid me way more attention than I ever thought he would...you would think I broke up with him. Its like he hates me the way he looks at me when he is on stage, but I know if he didn't care about me, my presence wouldn't bother him in the slighest. He tried to pick an argument the first time but I told him to go away and turned my back on him. The last time I saw him as I was leaving the venue, he screamed "Bye" to my back like some kid. I thought it was funny because I never looked back and acted like I never heard him. He obviously is upset because I have NEVER called him and have moved on without breaking a sweat (at least to his knowledge) and it kills him.

 

He is the same as everyone else's guy on this thread...the exact same. So I say all of this to say you never know what is going on in his head. He anger he demonstrates to me has been very helpful in my getting over how horrible the breakup was. (it was only one extremely hurtful conversation).

 

Hang in there. It has always been my experience they always come back when you least expect it. Not sure if this guy will come back, but I no longer want him anyway. Yeah!!!

[LuCidiTy]

funny how many of us are in similar situations. spookily similar. i lost track of how many days/weeks/months everyone is into it, but it also seems like this is one bunch of strong women. maybe experienced, or maybe just accepting of the facts. whatever, this was a really good topic.

 

and is it me or does it seem to always surprise them or make them go hmmmm when we can resist contacting them or feel no need to? at least those who had or have some feelings i'm sure there are a few who walk away without a thought and even relief. but that's probably rarer.

[smoochie]

It is odd. You would think they would be happy we do not bother them. But it seems like either their ego is hurt or they are guilty of how they treated us. Or they really have feelings but just can't be in the relationship...who knows. I think my guy is seeing someone else too...darn myspace. I saw he added a new friend two weeks ago and a day or two after he added her, she was in his top friend list (and he in hers). I was a little hurt then I thought "how many people do I know put people in their top friend list just to appear they have moved on"? I think it's legit though. LOL. She can have him now. I know he is emotionally unavailable so I know what she is getting!!

[LuCidiTy]

meh..i wouldn't assume anything about anything i saw in myspace. it's just not worth the time it takes to speculate. don't even look! don't give him the satisfaction or you the needless heartache. you have enough without that.

[LuCidiTy]

I'm sorry--I know that pain all too well. It sucks! Maybe therapy will help him, if he wants it to, that is. Can't help the unwilling, right, ladies??

 

i wish i could remember who here said this to me in another topic but it's so true...hell did i post it here already?! damn wine. oh well it bears repeating...

 

it's hard to believe in someone who doesn't believe in himself.

 

it's also hard to have someone around who believes in you when you don't believe in yourself.

[Far Behind]

I just read this entire thread...I am also in a similar situation, though we just started talking and agreed to see each other again, but to go slowly. In HIS words, "we are in a comitted relationship, going at a slower pace, trying to build a foundation for the future." It all sound great, but after having literally been abandoned in January, then with some limited email contact, seeing each other one night in February then nothing again but some email, until Monday. I feel now like I am walking on eggshells, and it is a horrible feeling. I know if I act too needy I will push him away. He listened when I expressed all the hurt I went through. He has a history of running away from problems, work and relationship. He says he is tired of running, wants to settle down, so we'll see. Here is a question for you guys: we spoke last night and confirmed some plans for the weekend. I called him when I got home and he was VERY upset because he is worried about his 90 something year old mother. He said he wanted to get off the phone and would call back. I sent him a text just letting him know I'm here for him, would even go over if he wanted. I never heard back from him last night. Now I know not to contact him at all today if I don't hear from him, but I'm petrified I won't hear from him...and I don't know if that's my gut (actually, petrified is too strong a word, cuz I'm finally at a place where I'm learning to let go of what I can't control). Like I said, walking on eggshells, or waiting for the other shoe to drop, sucks.

 

So here we all are in the same boat. Comforting and horrifying at the same time.

[Walking away]

In my experience (and unfortunately my situation has been going on for a year on and off), if you do NOT call, he will.

 

Back off as far as you can and he will call eventually.

 

Another thing I have noticed in my experience: he will want you there for him when he is in a crises but will disappear when YOU need him. Be aware of that.

 

I think I have run into the worst case of commitmentphobia I have ever experienced. I live in another STATE and this guy is running. Now, he knew that when we met, knew that when he came back after four months of silence, and now he tells me that I should KNOW that he doesn't want a long distance relationship. Yet, he calls me and even has come out to visit me.

 

Don't really try to understand him, Far Behind. There is no understanding.

 

Just try to emotionally disengage, pull way back, and protect yourself.

 

There is really not much else you can do.

 

Know that you are amongst friends.

 

WA

[Walking away]

funny how many of us are in similar situations. spookily similar. i lost track of how many days/weeks/months everyone is into it, but it also seems like this is one bunch of strong women. maybe experienced, or maybe just accepting of the facts. whatever, this was a really good topic.

 

and is it me or does it seem to always surprise them or make them go hmmmm when we can resist contacting them or feel no need to? at least those who had or have some feelings i'm sure there are a few who walk away without a thought and even relief. but that's probably rarer.

 

 

Mine goes "Hmmmm" when I don't call him. He notices. And he mentions it.

 

I think it is part of the commitmentphobia. He wants what he can't have and he doesn't want what he does.

 

Now, if this is true, how in the world can the relationship move forward?

 

Wouldn't there always be a period of chasing then a period of retreat?

 

That's been my experience.

[Walking away]

I read this somewhere and I think it is very poignant....

 

People that don't know what they want don't deserve what they've got.

 

[sedgwick]

In my experience (and unfortunately my situation has been going on for a year on and off), if you do NOT call, he will.

 

Back off as far as you can and he will call eventually.

 

I want that to be true, but I think that after seven months, mine's pretty much gone. I doubt he even gives me a thought. I think I really was just totally worthless to him.

[smoochie]

That is a really good quote. For some reason, all of the pain or at 98% of it is gone. I still think about him every minute of the day but its not with desire or pain. Most of the thoughts are actually good ones. As I said before, I attribute my getting over this somewhat to his unexpected anger or attention seeking from me. I pray for him everyday and am moving on with my life.

 

I just got my hair done last night and it is fabulous!! I am getting two new outfits and my nails done for the weekend so I am not looking back anymore. I feel good and since we won't see each other for another two weeks, it gives me more time to keep it moving. (And also for the word to get out as to how good I look )

[Walking away]

I want that to be true, but I think that after seven months, mine's pretty much gone. I doubt he even gives me a thought. I think I really was just totally worthless to him.

 

 

Don't ever believe that.

 

You were not worthless to him. You just got too close. And every woman in the future that he gets too close to will encounter the same problem you have.

 

Do NOT take it personally.

[Walking away]

That is a really good quote. For some reason, all of the pain or at 98% of it is gone. I still think about him every minute of the day but its not with desire or pain. Most of the thoughts are actually good ones. As I said before, I attribute my getting over this somewhat to his unexpected anger or attention seeking from me. I pray for him everyday and am moving on with my life.

 

I just got my hair done last night and it is fabulous!! I am getting two new outfits and my nails done for the weekend so I am not looking back anymore. I feel good and since we won't see each other for another two weeks, it gives me more time to keep it moving. (And also for the word to get out as to how good I look )

 

 

No man is worth the pain that we have endured.

 

NO MAN.

[LuCidiTy]

That is a really good quote. For some reason, all of the pain or at 98% of it is gone. I still think about him every minute of the day but its not with desire or pain. Most of the thoughts are actually good ones. As I said before, I attribute my getting over this somewhat to his unexpected anger or attention seeking from me. I pray for him everyday and am moving on with my life.

 

I just got my hair done last night and it is fabulous!! I am getting two new outfits and my nails done for the weekend so I am not looking back anymore. I feel good and since we won't see each other for another two weeks, it gives me more time to keep it moving. (And also for the word to get out as to how good I look )

 

that's pretty much where i am too after two weeks. it feels good to have gotten to that place so soon. i think it's easier when you sense it coming anyway and can prepare. it sounds like you're way on your way to healing and you sound very strong. using the time away from them and the distance to do this is far more productive and satisfying than crying all the time...which i feel would be my other option at this point.

[LuCidiTy]

I want that to be true, but I think that after seven months, mine's pretty much gone. I doubt he even gives me a thought. I think I really was just totally worthless to him.

 

his loss if this is true. but worthless to him? no. scary maybe.

[LuCidiTy]

Mine goes "Hmmmm" when I don't call him. He notices. And he mentions it.

 

I think it is part of the commitmentphobia. He wants what he can't have and he doesn't want what he does.

 

Now, if this is true, how in the world can the relationship move forward?

 

Wouldn't there always be a period of chasing then a period of retreat?

 

That's been my experience.

 

it can't move forward, not until and if he fixes himself. but you can, and you are.

 

and don't a lot of men love or fall into that chasing and retreat pattern?

 

in our cases the difference seems to be that instead of chasing the next woman in the chain, they come back and do it with us all over again.

 

guess we could call that being stuck in a loop.

[LuCidiTy]

I just read this entire thread...I am also in a similar situation, though we just started talking and agreed to see each other again, but to go slowly. In HIS words, "we are in a comitted relationship, going at a slower pace, trying to build a foundation for the future." It all sound great, but after having literally been abandoned in January, then with some limited email contact, seeing each other one night in February then nothing again but some email, until Monday. I feel now like I am walking on eggshells, and it is a horrible feeling. I know if I act too needy I will push him away. He listened when I expressed all the hurt I went through. He has a history of running away from problems, work and relationship. He says he is tired of running, wants to settle down, so we'll see. Here is a question for you guys: we spoke last night and confirmed some plans for the weekend. I called him when I got home and he was VERY upset because he is worried about his 90 something year old mother. He said he wanted to get off the phone and would call back. I sent him a text just letting him know I'm here for him, would even go over if he wanted. I never heard back from him last night. Now I know not to contact him at all today if I don't hear from him, but I'm petrified I won't hear from him...and I don't know if that's my gut (actually, petrified is too strong a word, cuz I'm finally at a place where I'm learning to let go of what I can't control). Like I said, walking on eggshells, or waiting for the other shoe to drop, sucks.

 

So here we all are in the same boat. Comforting and horrifying at the same time.

 

there's nothing wrong with doing it slowly and doing it right. in fact, it can be great.

 

what isn't so right is feeling like you have to watch every word, walk on eggshells, not be yourself to pander to his needs/ego/moods/whatever.

 

walking mentioned the part about you being there for his every crisis and them not being there for yours. if you want to call to see how his mom is doing, do it. wouldn't you do that for any friend? if he acts like a dork about it, well that's just one thing you can add to the Cons column in the list in your head.

[surfcitysiren]

Hello all. I have no pearls of wisdom to contribute except to say that I too am dealing with the EXACT same behavior from someone I care about very much. I suspect depression is a factor, as well, but I simply do not know what all is going on in his mind and heart. I just wanted to put in my two cents so you all know you are not the only one who has ever experienced this. It does make it doubly hard when you care sooo much for the person and would NEVER hurt them and just want to help them through anything and everything they are feeling/dealing with but they won't LET you and respond to your genuine love by backing away completely. And of course this makes you wonder if they just played you all along or used you. But I have to say (and believe me, I'm NOT stupid--I've seen all types of men, I'm 38, been around the block and a good judge of character) that I honestly never could make myself believe this man was a player or a jerk. I know he's not. But it hurts like h*ll because I was really falling for him and I know he had strong feelings for me too...and now he's gone. I don't think I'll ever hear from him again and that's really very sad b/c I know we made each other very happy for a while. All I can do is release him and hope the best for him. He deserves happiness. But d*mn it, I miss him like crazy, you know??? Good luck sweetie.....Just give him space and try to forget about him. that's all you can do.

[surfcitysiren]

I suspect you are correct. I think its not necessarily us who scares them, maybe, but how they feel in return. Being in love, opening up equates to letting yourself be vulnerable to another person. And when you took a chance with someone before, and were raked over the coals, you have a sort of terror of intimate feelings, kind of like a post traumatic stress disorder, so one has a tendency to put a wall up for protection. Then run behind it in a fit of terror.

 

 

Funny you should mention this....in addition to the feelings I suspect he may have been feeling with regard to 'us' he was ALSO dealing with PTSD--for real--from things that happened to him while he was in the service (career soldier till very recently--which has also been devastating to him).

 

And what did I do? The worst possible thing, of course....I confronted him (twice!) about why he would just disappear right after I felt like things between us were so good or we'd just become closer...I let my feelings for him cloud my judgement and wasn't able to see past my own hurt feelings and confusion....why couldn't I see what I was dealing with? God...if I could just take it all back, you know? But then I wonder if he'd still have backed off and left me anyway. Guess I'll never know. The worst thing is all these feelings I still have for him. I wish I could just send him an email telling him I love him and I'm here for him but it wouldn't help, would make it worse, he wouldn't answer, it would hurt my pride even more and it would not fix anything. It really, really sucks.

[Walking away]

I think these men are about as common as field mice!

 

Where the heck did they all come from?

 

[Walking away]

It's weird. I am peaceful when I don't hear from him and my stomach gets all knotted up when I do.

 

It is like I am resolved that he is gone and I have peace...the emotional ride is over.

 

Then he calls, and I am once again transported to his neverland of issues. And I feel wiped out.

 

I know that the peace is a sign that I am on the right path.

 

I am going to continue that way.

 

I just dread the final call.

 

 

I hate that part.

[surfcitysiren]

 

His behavior will continue to be more and more provocative, but he won't leave completely until he absolutely believes that you are there for him no matter what.

 

And, that, my friends, is nuts.

 

No, dear, that's called being a MAN. Read "Why Men Love Bitches". Seriously the best book I've read in a long while.

 

They will try to get away with as much as they can. Like a kid. It's like their job or something. LOL. When a man does not know for sure he has a hold on you, he won't leave for fear when he comes back you won't be there. Of course, that's a 'normal' man. But I believe it applies to all of them. Confounding creatures, the lot!

[surfcitysiren]

P.S. I posted a thread once asking for replies/insight from MEN and only men....and got blasted for it. But you notice, don't you, how many MEN have posted replies to this topic, eh? 0. And yes, while it is good to hear other women's experience and all....it's still just a bunch of women speculating.....wouldn't it be nice if a guy showed up to tell us straight?!

 

Yeah....I know....I think we are all probably right on the money with our analyses (being as we are generally more intuitive than men)...and it's cool that one of us got it 'from the horse's mouth' and shared it here for the rest of us, but still.....wouldn't it be nice to KNOW?

 

I want to trip inside your head

Spend the day there…

To hear the things you haven’t said

And see what you might see

 

I want to hear you when you call

Do you feel anything at all?

I want to see your thoughts take shape

And walk right out

 

-From Miracle Drug by U2

[LuCidiTy]

 

No, dear, that's called being a MAN.

 

Read "Why Men Love Bitches". Seriously the best book I've read in a long while.

 

They will try to get away with as much as they can. Like a kid. It's like their job or something. LOL. When a man does not know for sure he has a hold on you, he won't leave for fear when he comes back you won't be there. Of course, that's a 'normal' man. But I believe it applies to all of them. Confounding creatures, the lot!

 

book sounds good...thanks for the recommendation. wow.

[LuCidiTy]

P.S. I posted a thread once asking for replies/insight from MEN and only men....and got blasted for it. But you notice, don't you, how many MEN have posted replies to this topic, eh? 0. And yes, while it is good to hear other women's experience and all....it's still just a bunch of women speculating.....wouldn't it be nice if a guy showed up to tell us straight?!

 

Yeah....I know....I think we are all probably right on the money with our analyses (being as we are generally more intuitive than men)...and it's cool that one of us got it 'from the horse's mouth' and shared it here for the rest of us, but still.....wouldn't it be nice to KNOW?

 

I want to trip inside your head

Spend the day there…

To hear the things you haven’t said

And see what you might see

 

I want to hear you when you call

Do you feel anything at all?

I want to see your thoughts take shape

And walk right out

 

-From Miracle Drug by U2

 

yes...odd no men have posted here...however, men in the midst of relationship turmoil probably wouldn't be able to even speculate if they don't have this particular tendency

 

also self-awareness is a hard thing to master. *shrugs