Prince charming=cowardly jerk????? WTF??

[lovebites77]

Dont' cry because it's over...smile becauseit happened. ~Dr Seuss

 

I guess, but there are days I wish I had never met this man, because of the impact he made on me. Its really hard for me to move on, when all other men hold no interest for me, you know? Not because HE is perfect and wonderful, I'm in love, not delusional, but just because I love him as he is. At least if I had never met him, I would be able to date casually and not be constantly comparing them to him. Love stinks...... At this point, I am afraid my heart will closely guarded, and i may have caught his disease, sadly...being hurt so much, twice in a row, has left me very apprehensive, lacking trust, etc...sigh...

[Walking away]

Don't let him do that to you. Every man in your future deserves a chance to be with you without the emotional scars that this man has brought you.

 

You will heal.

 

Maybe you will be more guarded, but you must not close your heart.

 

That would be a shame for the next great man that walks into your life when you least expect it.

[LuCidiTy]

I guess, but there are days I wish I had never met this man, because of the impact he made on me. Its really hard for me to move on, when all other men hold no interest for me, you know? Not because HE is perfect and wonderful, I'm in love, not delusional, but just because I love him as he is. At least if I had never met him, I would be able to date casually and not be constantly comparing them to him. Love stinks...... At this point, I am afraid my heart will closely guarded, and i may have caught his disease, sadly...being hurt so much, twice in a row, has left me very apprehensive, lacking trust, etc...sigh...

 

I know exactly. Exactly. My heart's going to be closed for a good long while. What really makes me...well...sad is how hard he had to work to gain my trust, and then...

[lovebites77]

With a normal man, I think it is fine to share your feelings...but with men will emotional/intimacy issues, I think it scares them away.

 

But, what do I know...?

 

:/

I suspect you are correct. I think its not necessarily us who scares them, maybe, but how they feel in return. Being in love, opening up equates to letting yourself be vulnerable to another person. And when you took a chance with someone before, and were raked over the coals, you have a sort of terror of intimate feelings, kind of like a post traumatic stress disorder, so one has a tendency to put a wall up for protection. Then run behind it in a fit of terror. I know I had real feelings of fear when I realized I was falling in love with him--I almost bailed out! Are there any guys out there reading this who have been through this kind of thing?? Give us some insight!!

[sedgwick]

And another thing...

 

I sensed that he was commitmentphobic awhile ago, so I slowed things down, never called, let him come to me...

 

I didn't smother him ever. He just cannot, IMHO, let anyone in.

 

I'm telling you, this sounds JUST. LIKE. my story. I was the same way. I was a great girlfriend. I know I was. I have my own busy life, I gave him space, I never bugged him about running off to play music, I was totally supportive of him. I wasn't the type who called and texted and whined all the time. I really am 100% positive that I was a great gf.

 

The last time I talked to mine, which was about six weeks after the breakup, he said, "If it looks like there's going to be a fight, I bail." Not, like, that we were going to have a fight, but that he just wasn't the type to fight for what he believed in. He had a way of just turning off his emotions -- like, he was the funniest, most gregarious guy, really sweet and happy, and then you'd get into the slightest disagreement and he'd just kind of stare at you. Like he was just shutting down, nobody home. If you tried to get him to talk about his feelings, that's how he acted. Sometimes he would sit and stare to the point that I'd say, "SAY something!"

 

I cannot tell you how many people thought we were great for each other. His friends, my friends, etc. He had fully integrated me into his life. (We didn't meet each other's families but that's because they live far away.) He was so sweet, so loving, such a fantastic boyfriend -- except when he was being this BIZARRE OTHER PERSON.

 

My friend's grandmother calls it "body-snatching." As if it's just this thing that all women have to deal with at some point -- he's a great guy, but then he gets body-snatched.

[Walking away]

It is called the Houdini Syndrome. I read it in "Men Who Can't Love".

 

When you are healed, he will return.

 

Mine did. Four months later....

 

And, here we are again.

 

But, you hurt me once....shame, shame on you.

You hurt me twice....shame, shame on me.

 

There will not be a third reappearance with me.

 

But, prepare.

 

I never in a million years expected to hear from my guy again. But, he came back full force with explanations for his behavior.

 

And now, 5 months later, we are dealing with the same issues.

 

Crazy...

[lovebites77]

That really sucks, Lucidity. he gains your trust, then freaks out on you....things can get so stinking complicated!! If my dufus ever reappears and wants to be with me, it will be on my terms and progress SLOW, after his bad behavior. I love him, but I don't trust him now....he has proven very unstable. Of course, he said things moved too fast for him anyway. Guess his head is still spinning, LOL : )

[Walking away]

Be careful, lovebites.

 

Mine did come back and was wonderful....until he wasn't. Know what I mean?

 

Make sure you guard your heart very carefully. These men who have commitment issues can't commit to leaving OR staying.

 

Very confused men.

[sedgwick]

This thread is one of the most helpful ones I've ever read here. It helps me so much to know that there are other women out there going through this. I have a friend to whom it also happened -- great guy, madly in love, so much in common, instant connection, great great great for six months, and then one day she just never heard from him again. That was over a year ago. She knows he's still alive; she heard somewhere that he had moved away.

 

I really, really do not ever expect to hear from him again. I would be VERY surprised if he contacted me; it's been over 7 months now since I've heard a word from him. But I am absolutely not going to contact him. He knows how to find me.

 

Were any of yours only children?

[lovebites77]

 

My friend's grandmother calls it "body-snatching." As if it's just this thing that all women have to deal with at some point -- he's a great guy, but then he gets body-snatched.

Thats funny! Body-snatched!! Seems about the truth, When Good Guys go Bad...its like a DVD series!

[Walking away]

Yes, mine was.

 

And his parents, the people he trusted to take care of him, abused him and made him witness to unspeakable things when he was a little boy.

 

Therefore, this man that I am dealing with has NO IDEA what a healthy relationship or healthy love means.

[lovebites77]

I hear you, walking.....that how it seems...very confused souls. It kills me, he wasn't like that before, until HER. What a waste..she isn't worth all his torment. Geez, and sedgwick, mine has four siblings.

[Walking away]

Tormented....

 

A word I have used often in referring to this man. And yours seem the same.

 

Sad to see, but we are POWERLESS to fix them.

 

They must fix themselves.

 

And do not blame yourself. The very things that these men love in us are the very things that terrify them.

 

I suggest reading "He's Scared, She's Scared" or "Men Who Can't Love."

 

They are based entirely on commitmentphobic relationships.

[LuCidiTy]

That really sucks, Lucidity. he gains your trust, then freaks out on you....things can get so stinking complicated!! If my dufus ever reappears and wants to be with me, it will be on my terms and progress SLOW, after his bad behavior. I love him, but I don't trust him now....he has proven very unstable. Of course, he said things moved too fast for him anyway. Guess his head is still spinning, LOL : )

 

meh...typical, i guess. left me wondering why he went through soooo much trouble. probably doesn't really matter. his life got complicated and he couldn't focus so i was low-woman on the totem pole. i get that.

 

yeah...go slow...have lots of meaningful and FUN dates and see. always leave em spinning hell maybe that's the explanation! lol!

[Walking away]

Be careful.

 

I was the cool girlfriend. I have a very full, successful life without him. He tells me he adores me. Yet, he can't get any closer. Just like a skiddish animal.

 

I did everything I could to show him I wasn't going to smother him and I still failed.

[LuCidiTy]

This thread is one of the most helpful ones I've ever read here. It helps me so much to know that there are other women out there going through this. I have a friend to whom it also happened -- great guy, madly in love, so much in common, instant connection, great great great for six months, and then one day she just never heard from him again. That was over a year ago. She knows he's still alive; she heard somewhere that he had moved away.

 

I really, really do not ever expect to hear from him again. I would be VERY surprised if he contacted me; it's been over 7 months now since I've heard a word from him. But I am absolutely not going to contact him. He knows how to find me.

 

Were any of yours only children?

 

think maybe they just realize that it's way more intense for you than for them and it freaks them out? who the hell knows. it probably all has to do with honesty at the core...as in they weren't honest with themselves to begin with and so couldn't be with you no matter what sweet words popped out of their mouths.

 

mine has a sister and a brother and a very strict mother.

 

oh and bwahaha on the body snatching...gramma rocks!

[lovebites77]

Tormented....

 

A word I have used often in referring to this man. And yours seem the same.

 

Sad to see, but we are POWERLESS to fix them.

 

They must fix themselves.

 

And do not blame yourself. The very things that these men love in us are the very things that terrify them.

 

I suggest reading "He's Scared, She's Scared" or "Men Who Can't Love."

 

They are based entirely on commitmentphobic relationships.

yes, totally powerless. Choosing to remove my presence from his life was the only thing I could do to help it seems. Now I wonder if he isn't angry at me, or just hurting cause he knows everything is messed up. He knows what he is doing is wrong. So he can come to terms with it, and fix his serious issues, or he will be facing a life of lonliness, I am willing to venture, because most women will not tolerate that kind of behavior. I made the mistake of letting myself love him, thats the only reason I hung around. Maybe I should mail him a copy of those books, LOL! Wouldn't he just freak out!

[LuCidiTy]

Be careful.

 

I was the cool girlfriend. I have a very full, successful life without him. He tells me he adores me. Yet, he can't get any closer. Just like a skiddish animal.

 

I did everything I could to show him I wasn't going to smother him and I still failed.

 

omg i KNOW! we went slow and both liked it.

 

i listened, understood, gave him space for his issues. never pressured, wasn't needy or clingy or emotionally unhinged, paid attention, asked his advice, empathized, sympathized, was strong for him and for myself through my own really hard time, kept my mouth shut when appropriate, had all the social graces, acted like a lady when he took me home to meet his entire family (he tricked me...i said i wasn't ready to because i was too shy and the family issues revolving around him were too tense for a relative stranger to just come on in and he drove there anyway!) flew up to meet him last minute when he really needed me. ugh.

 

he said he liked self-confident, self-reliant women, and 95% of the time, that's me to a tee anyway. i tried to be there for him in everyway he needed it and not be there when he didn't. you know, at this point, i'm thinking maybe what he wants is someone less strong or something. or he's embarrassed that i held him when he cried. i just don't GET it. to possibly throw something like this away is just insanity. his loss if he does.

[LuCidiTy]

real strenth comes from having the presence of mind brains to figure out when you're powerless and the confidence to just accept that.

[LuCidiTy]

Be careful, lovebites.

Make sure you guard your heart very carefully. These men who have commitment issues can't commit to leaving OR staying.

 

so true!

 

funny, i think i mighta blown it when i said to him, lovingly of course, i'll be here until i can't be anymore.

[Walking away]

Lucidity.

 

You sound just like me. But, I did notice one thing (and I paid attention VERY closely to this man...) When I was unavailable to him (and I was often), he was in hot pursuit of me.

 

When I was THERE for him, he ran away. He has always come back, but I could never get too close. It was a balancing act all the time. And it made me nuts.

 

I agree with you. To throw such relationships away IS insanity.

 

And me thinks that someday they will look back and realize what they lost.

[lovebites77]

real strenth comes from having the presence of mind brains to figure out when you're powerless and the confidence to just accept that.

And it is a hard conclusion to come to, and even harder to find the strength to back away from them....hard to walk away from someone who really needs help, but won't accept it.......

[Walking away]

But the strength comes from the knowledge that you and I and everyone else is worth more than this treatment.

 

Real strength says, "I love myself too much to do this to myself."

[LuCidiTy]

Lucidity.

 

You sound just like me. But, I did notice one thing (and I paid attention VERY closely to this man...) When I was unavailable to him (and I was often), he was in hot pursuit of me.

 

When I was THERE for him, he ran away. He has always come back, but I could never get too close. It was a balancing act all the time. And it made me nuts.

 

I agree with you. To throw such relationships away IS insanity.

 

And me thinks that someday they will look back and realize what they lost.

 

soooooooo eerily similar, walking. surely this syndrome has a name?! yoyo maybe?

 

and i think they probably already are...realizing...which is why they never let go too hard.

[lovebites77]

You are right....all of us going through this deserve better. That is one of the biggest reasons I stopped calling him....if he wants me, its his turn to find me. Its not right to treat someone that way, regardless of your personal issues. And I just don't understand it--love always came easily to me. They love you too? Great! I was never afraid of such things--i am now, but I wasn't before. Such behavior leaves me scratching my head.