Falling in love with a married man

[1Yoyo]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

[font=arial]And it's the children that suffer. Always. But would they be suffering more trapped in a house without love?(at least where the father no longer loves the mother) Good questions to consider[/font].

 

 

I happen to agree with you here. The children will eventually see that their parents do not love each other. How can "no Love" for one another be hidden?? Won't the children be angry to know their parents lived a lie? I am all for raising a children in a two-parent home, [color=darkred]if it works[/color]...but if the parents don't love each other, I think this is a worse situation for the children to be in.

 

Yo

[kiababy]

Spock and Yolanda are right on the money. I grew up in a household with two parents who despised each other. You could feel their hatred all the time, even when they weren't screaming at each other. I hate them for staying together for so long!!!!

 

When my own marriage started to go that way, I knew it was time to leave, no matter how hard it was or how much I wanted to have my own family. There was just no love there at all. It took 9 years but I'm glad I did it.

 

And with regard to your post Therresa, it's not always the OW's fault that children get 'taken away' from their fathers. My ex met and married his b***ch...excuse me, 'wife' after we split up - she's jealous and hateful towards my sons, they're not allowed to sleep over and she doesn't like them calling their dad too much. In this case, it's the WIFE - that is to blame. The perception that every wife is perfect and wonderful is as false as the notion that all OW are evil, homewrecking psychos.

[kiababy]

Oh, and let me remind you that my dad had an affair and married his OW...I've been the child in an OW situation also.

[zarabeth1973]

First of all I was reading this and seeing what this woman wrote abouther daughter and her ex, etc, etc. Then someone finally said something worth reading about him. If he was willing to move 2400 miles away from his daughter then he isn't a very good daddy is he now. Now are you going to blame the fact that he sucks as a dad on his new wife the "mistress"??? Did she somehow brainwash him into dumping the first kid????No guys cheat and move on everyday and guys also are faithful and divorce wives they can't stand and they have children with them before the divorce and they choose to never see or have adequete time with the child. Now where is the ex-wives excuse there (when the guy dumps the kid and there was no mistress "influencing" him. Men are men and sometimes they can be jerks and self-centered. But we don't have his side of the story either perhaps when he does have contact with his daughter you make things so hard for him that it kills the desire to spend time therefore you could be ruining the chances for your daughter not him. And as Spock said all the name calling there is on here do you do that about the new wife in front of your daughter? If so perhaps she has a negative image of this woman and makes the time spent bad because of the negativity from her mother's own personal bitterness.

So when you look at it, look at all of it, not just your view because you are not a saint, and obviously he left you (contrary to others opinions of the guy never leaving the wife for the mistress) for a reason, no woman has this mysterious sexual power to make a man do everything she wants. You two didn't make it you weren't meant for each other find someone who truly completes you get some counseling and if he chooses to not see his daughter because of his own reasons, then he is not a father worth having and the man you find that really loves you and deserves you will be a better daddy to her not just a sperm donor as he appears (from your posts) to be. Stop blaming the other woman also, unless she raped your husband he was a grown up and made a choice she didn't rape him so stop blaming her. I did not make the man I am involved with do anything, I have tried to make him leave me alone several times he says he loves me and not her, he can't leave her for legal reasons or whatever B.S. he says but I didn't make the first move I tried to stop him the first time we had sex and I have moved to try to change the situation he loves me and I am nice his wife (who is a TRUE Christian might I add) on the other hand calls him every 10-30 minutes, accuses him of everything, threatens him, has stabbed him 3 times, cut his face with a metal rack, and purposely got fired to "watch" him because he can't be trusted, she has called and threatened me several times (she still thinks he isn't cheating just I am bothering HER man because I am obsessed with HIM -not the other way around- did I mention he has pursued me to the point of getting a job where I work to see me everyday). Now I am pregnant with his baby and due in 104 days (counting the minutes...lol) I told him already his name is not going on the certificate of birth nor will she know he is her daddy, I don't want my daughter to have a daddy on the side like he has a baby on the side. You can knock me all you want for getting pregnant I wanted to get pregnant he knew that and I didn't expect him to have a part of my baby's life, I just didn't want to go to a cryobank for sperm. Anyway I am rambling. The simple fact is we hear your side of the story and your coating on it, not the things you say to your daughter, not the reaction she saw when you two split up for the "OW", and not his side or the OW side so stop blaming her for getting pregnant and MAKING him move across the country away from his daughter. HE made himself move NOT her, basically you need to move on past him and find a man that really cares about you and her....obviously he is not the one.

[kiababy]

....unless she raped your husband he was a grown up and made a choice she didn't rape him so stop blaming her....

 

.....stop blaming her for getting pregnant and MAKING him move across the country away from his daughter. HE made himself move NOT her......

 

Loves it!

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by profgirl2003

I am not sure I want to get into the name-calling of the OW because I have no investment in her to care, but I do want to say that your post, spock, sounds extremely defensive.

 

I would venture to guess that my home was not without love. There was love, but there were also problems like alll marriages/relationships. Yes, the ex married someone else and that's their business. My main concern is my child and her right to have regular contact with her father--new wife or not. As for his recent affair, he told me himself and he was also made to testify to this in court as I stated earlier. I didn't make up his new affair to try and prove the "if it happened to me, it will happen to her" cliche'. Who cares what happens to her? I care about my daughter's needs. And yes, I have moved on with the idea that I was onced married to this man. I don't dream of a reunion. I don't have amnesia in the way that I can't see that my ex has his own issues and that I don't want to live through them as his wife.

Perhaps if we read posts more closely, we might not feel so defensive if we come across passages that might sound ;ike the mistakes we would like to reject about ourselves... or else, we are just a bunch a women attacking each other...

 

Except I'm not defensive, at all. Therresa has a tendency to place more blame on the shoulders of the OW than is due-as for you, you're pretty satisfied that she's feeling pain-which makes you no better than her really.

 

Since your ex and his wife are moving away from you, wouldn't the best thing to do is figure out some kind of schedule for visitaton? Instead of blaming them for things they can't take back or fix? If you've truly moved on from the hurt these people have caused , you should be able to move past any petty feelings- and focus on maintaining a positive relationship for your daughter's sake between the three of you. How nice do you think those visits are going to be if your daughter knows how much you can't stand the new wife? Remember, it will be on HER turf now.

[therresa kennedy]

Oh my God, I am going to get Spock mad by saying this, but please can we ALL attempt to use punctuation? my eyesight is not as pristine as it once was. Breaking text into smaller paragraphs also helps lend readability to posts.

 

Zarabeth, darling, your post WAS quite rambling to say the least, I lost track of any point you were trying to make and I also think that YOU are in no position to offer advice to Proffgirl2003! I am SOOO glad I am not in YOUR shoes, good heavens!! Let me just state that upfront! I think you haven't read her posts or MY posts as thoroughly and clearly as you should. Go back and read them slowly this time.

 

You HAVE made quite a number of false presumptions about her life that from what I have READ of her posts are completely wrong. I wouldnt' be worrying about HER life, sounds like she has got it together quite well, and she never at any time indicated that she was dripping with envy, jealousy or hatred of the (mistress-turned wife) that her ex had the stupidity of marrying. Like I said, YOUR life sounds quite shaky in comparison and I would not want to be in your shoes, I do not envy you one iota!

 

As to Proffgirl feeling smug that her ex's current (mistress-turned wife) got cheated on as well, so what! I would laugh too, more power to proffgirl, the point Spock, is that SHE from what she has indicated did NOT cheat on her man in the same way that HE cheated on her with this other woman, lets remember the OTHER WOMAN was also a consenting adult fully aware that she was having an affair with another womans husband, so obviously she was no saint, let's be honest here. So what if Proffgirl is tickled that the other woman got a taste of her own medicine, that does NOT make her "just as bad" it makes her [pleased]that this other woman got a sweet tastin spoonful and example that WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND!

 

Proffgirl, you know you have MY support and I will not apologize for being opinionated and outspoken, (Spock knows how nasty I can be, but with the best intentions at heart) about the damage that infidelity can wreck upon a family, it sounds like this girl Zarabeth is going to learn first hand how utterly empty this kind of life style CHOICE can be. I feel sorry for her myself and I for one won't be attempting to hold her hand while she destroys her life and rationalizes her hatred or anger at HER man's WIFE? She will learn all on her own what terrible choices she is making and all the while blaming others, did he force you Zarabeth to have sex when you said "no" as you said in your last post? DId her rape you, is that why you shirk the responcibility onto HIM for having started the affair? Men will ALWAYS be weaker than women when it comes to unzippin it for a "sure thang" accept responcibility for YOUR involvement Zarabeth, stop blaming the dude like a little girl. Proffgirl, lets just be glad we are not living some peoples lives, lets be grateful for our own small bit of peace. I know, as imperfect as I am I sure am glad I'm not ****ting in my own back yard.

 

Best wishes to all.

[profgirl2003]

Thanks therresa for actually READING my posts. I am amzed by how those who actually are involved with married men have a difficult time reading posts. As for the idea that my ex has experienced a rough time with trying to have contact with his daughter--untrue. Actually, I don't really follow the court ordered visitation schedule. That schedule leaves him with hardly any time with her. Instead, if he wants her to come to him, I send her and since he lives sort of a drive from us, I meet him halfway so he doesn't have to drive so far. A deal we made early on.

 

Sometimes my ex wants to visit with his daughter but is unable to pick her up at the times when I can meet him. In that case, his wife meets me halfway. When we meet up, we keep our conversations short, but we are always polite--another deal we made early on. When he calls, I have caller ID so that I look to see who's calling and if it's him, I let my daughter answer. If he needs to speak to me, he asks my daughter to give me the phone when they are done talking. Sounds rosey doesn't it? It is in that we (my ex and I) know about boundaries. I have NEVER been to his house. Both he and his wife have been to my house for things like meeting up for parent conferences and my daughter's birthday and such. Yes, I make sure that they know all of her schedules: school, soccer, basketball, etc. And they BOTH attend these functions regularly. Again, we don't try to engage as close friends, but we do get together when it comes to my daughter's needs.

 

As for blaming the OW and being bitter and negative in front of my daughter. WRONG. My daughter was so young when her dad and I split up. When I moved out of the house, his OW's moving truck was on it's way to move in. I decided not to look back and not to go back to that house. It is no longer my home. Also, I don't visit them at home because we were close friends with the neighbors and I used to get calls from them telling me about what goes on with them. I don't take the calls, and I don't go to see for myself. Bitter? yes, sometimes. Saying bad things about the OW, not in front of my daughter and never with/to my ex. I am not invested in her.

 

I am a child of divorce. I was made to hide my feelings for my father's new girlfriends and wives. I resented that my mother made me do so. My daughter loves her stepmother. Her stepmother loves her. Quite honestly, if I would have known this woman before the affair with my ex, she would be a person that I'd lunch with. Since this women spends time with my daughter I think it is important for us to be civil to each other. My daughter talks about her all of the time. Do I get jealous? yes., but my daughter and she have a relationship. My daughter was very young when this woman came so she doesn't know the circumstances and I think it is up to her father to explain things to her when she's ready/old enough and she asks on her own.

 

My posts are mainly about my dauhgter and her right to have the privilege of having a dad. her dad's decision to move was quite public. As I mentioned before, my ex's poor choice of cheating on his new wife has cost my daughter the most. Remember, HIS decision. I am not sure that if I was his new wife that I could stay around with yet another woman lurking around. His new wife DID indeed demand to move. She did so because of her husband's poor choices. If you don't like that there is a bit rejoice, on my part, in the fact that she got a taste of her own mediicine, so be it...

[therresa kennedy]

That's right profgirl, no need to apologize for feeling a bit tickled at what has happened over in paradise alley with the ex and his trick/turned wife. I can be so damn nasty huh? And it is true Spock, that I do tend to blame the OW more, but that is just my crux, my burden to bear, it is also true that for the most part women who are being wives and mothers, trying to take care of their own, stay out of trouble, are also for the most part superior in character and motive to women who engage in duplicitous relationships with married men whom they KNOW are taken, with famililes and obligations. This is just my firm opinion and I will always stick to it, sorry people!

 

It sounds like profgirl has it together, and enjoys a comfortable lifestyle, at least is properly taken care of by virtue of her work and her other supports. She strikes me as intelligent and aware and a fine mother as well. It is so true that to go about a situation like this with grace and poise is the best manner in which to conduct oneself. I know you will probably find me objectionable in the future Spock, but you know how outspoken I can be, just try to bear with me, I still quite enjoy your posts. Keep smiling people!

[MrsRevenge]

My husband cheated on me. We've been married for 21 yrs. His affair began about 2 yrs ago. We have a son, age 11, who has Down Syndrome. He is 57 and I am 51. The mistress is 14 yrs younger than he is.

 

My son cries almost every day for his Dad (he eventually moved in with his mistress and is divorcing me).

 

These 2 people are behaving selfishly. I can almost bet that one of them will eventually cheat on the other. If he ever came back, I'd wouldn't take him. I am enjoying the $2000/mo alimony I get from him, plus piece of mind that I dont have to put up with the lies, and wondering if hes still cheating - wth anyone.

 

So if you decide to get involved with a married man, have fun - your time will come.

[profgirl2003]

Mrs Revenge

I am so sorry to read your story. I am especially sad that you and your ex/husband have been together so long and this.

 

I like the advice I got from therresa. She says the best revenge is living well. In your case, you are commited to your son and you can look at yourself in the mirror. Also, you can count yourself as one of the many wives who get villified by a husband in order that he may make a connection with someone else. Just know that while you may not have been a perfect wife (none of us are) you stayed and put up with your husband's shortcomings and he should have been commited enough to do the same for you and your son.

 

Enjoy your alimony. You've earned it and rejoice in that fact that while you may never see your ex and his girlfriend pay for their decisions, they WILL pay.

 

p.s. OW you need to recognize that the "nice guy" who was in a "bad situation" will show his true colors eventually and then you will have the other side of the story as to why his and his wife's home life isn't as rosey as they'd like...so they tell you....

[zarabeth1973]

OK you were actually touching me for a second when you spoke of your son. Then you brought up money.

Your husband beats the hell out of the stereotype image of a cheating married guy as does Prof's they picked the mistress. And you know what he probably will cheat on her or vice versa. You sound bitter, get over it, that 2000 a month sure could pay for a good pyschiatrist. NOOOOOOOOOOO I am not being mean I am kind of being supportive in the best possible way I can be. If he decided to cheat on a woman of so many years with a handicapped child he sounds like a real winner. Don't look for the money why do woman do that, between child support and spousal support its just money. Work on yourselves and get over the guy, like I said before we aren't going to die and come back, live this life while you can and if a man screws you find another one. I do have a heart, I really do.

[therresa kennedy]

Why should mrs.Revenge not be thinking about money? By the way, Mrs.Revenge, I just LOVE your name, why didn't I think of that one, I love it!

 

Anyway, if she has a disabled son, you can betcha she is going to HAVE to think about the importance of money, we can't all survive on the virtue of our instincts, some people need to pay bills, including for her, certain medical bills you and I probably don't have to consider.

 

Best wishes to you Mrs.Revenge, it sounds like you are doing the best you can, more power to you, and remember, being happy or at least seeming happy IS the best revenge, that along with living well.

[zarabeth1973]

Child Support and Mandatory Medical Health Benefits per divorce order in which a spouse is required by law to pay to provide said expenses for the CHILD is one thing it is for the child and the medical health coverage is for the child these are court mandated expenses to which he should have to pay no doubt about that. As far as alimony no, I am sorry but when you sign your marriage license that doesn't not mean that once you get divorced you should still have to pay for the ex-spouse as a dependent. I am sorry that is just my opinion. As far as the expenses go for a disabled child yes I do know they can be quite high. There are places like Indepedent Living Centers that help (no it is not charity, many very well to do people in the dis Abled (purposely spelled wrong) community. There are so many things out there and advocates like ADAPT and other ADA based Organizations that support disability awareness. If there is anything about the disabled community they are ones that above anything do not want you to feel sorry for them. I am glad that he has to pay yes, but having to pay her is different then having to pay court mandated CHILD support (garnished) as well as Mandated Child Medical Health Coverage. One is a mortgage payment/rent payment for an abled bodied adult versus a parental obligation.

 

P.S. I don't believe every word he tells me I do believe she has stabbed him and abuses him due to the scars and wounds. I don't think he is perfect, I have never said in any post he was. I don't want him to run away and live with me, I am not even putting his name on her birth certificate. I don't have on rose colored glasses nor do I have a fantasy world going on in my head. My position is I enjoy sex with him plain and simple! Do I love him yes I do believe that I am in love with him. He tells me he loves me I take it for what it is a married man telling me that when he is with me. Honestly like I have said I am only going to live once and I need to do what I was put here to do. Have I messed up yes I have, have I sinned, yes I have am I sorry yes, but I am human and not one of us is perfect and not one sin is worse than the other sin is sin.

[Complicated]

I have read all the stories and it is extremely sad of what is happening to everyone.

 

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps, tearing families apart, making life harder for wives, husbands, mistresses, children... is God's way of making us all stronger. What comes around goes around!!! I am not going to bash the wife, the husband, nor the mistress. No one can control they way they feel. No one can control the fact that people fall in love everyday and fall right back out. It is natural for a wife to show bitterness towards the other woman that stole her husband. It is natural to show hatred towards the person that tore your peaceful world apart. It is natural for a mistress to resent the wife because of the fear of losing the man she just got. But if we think about it awhile.....Are these feelings going to change the facts or the future?!? No, probably not.

 

As for the story of the husband moving away with his new bride and leaving his daughter behind.....Just let go. Nothing you can do now, no matter how guilty you make him feel, no matter how sad your daughter is, no matter how bitter you are, no matter what kind of person the other woman is, etc....Nothing is going to change. Find peace in yourself. Raise your daughter to the best of your ability. Show her how much you love her. Yes, right now, she looks destroyed by the loss of her father, but there will be a time when she is older, out of school, that she WILL track down her father and ask him "Why?" That will be the hardest thing that man will ever have to do. To look at his child that he abandoned and have to answer that question. Her life isn't over. This will make her stronger. She will grow and develop her own feelings towards what happened to her as a young child.

 

Sometimes I think that if we just put forth the amount of energy it takes to find someone to blame towards finding a way to fix the problem, we would all live better lives. Everyone has a judgement day and you nor I will be the judge.

[zarabeth1973]

WOW.....now that was worth reading

[ENNYJJ]

I seen your posting! Believe it or not I am in the same situation. I have been

 

seeing a married man for awhile now and I am falling in love with him. I am not

 

about to let him know. I am so confused at this point I don't know what to do.

 

Every time I try to tell myself to stop seeing him and tell him something stops

 

me. I never in a million years meant for this to happen but it did, and the longer it

 

goes on the harder it gets>!!

[yogurtu]

Ennyjj,

You gotta do what you gotta do. Breaking it off with your MM may be the hardest thing you'll ever do, but you will see later on that it was better for everyone involved. Every day that goes by you will get more involved and it will be more difficult and painful for you to let go.

Hang in there and good luck to you,

Yogurtu

[eneresmy]

I am the third woman and I am hurting badly, very badly. And I know if his wife finds out, she would be torn apart as well. But he loves me, just not enough to leave his wife and be with me. I cry every night. We both ask God why we didnt meet earlier.

 

Is it wrong to love somebody? Can we choose who we fall for? At least she gets to be with him everyday, whilst I can only wait till when he's free.

 

I really want to be strong. But I love him. so much.

[9Lives]

Sweetheart, you better cross ALL of your I and dot all of your T because you have been very insensitve to this girl. We all have weakness and areas to grow in and you are no different. Teach her ...dont kick her.

 

Originally posted by Just A Girl2

 

 

You trust a guy who cheats on his wife? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[joodee]

Originally posted by NEONINK

You almost made a convincing reason to have a wife and a mistress until YOU SAID: "because my attention could not be in two places at once".

 

To truly LOVE someone, not infactuation or lust, but love, leaves no room for anyone else. Children can be a by-product, but even they take back seat to the relationship. They will leave one day, and only your significant other will be there. You will get old one day, and only your significant other will be there.

 

The heart is one unit, not separate units that can be doled out at will.

 

This is sooooo true, I'm gonna read this one over and over so I can tell my mm goodbye. He even admits he's stressed out living a double life and needs help...but no action yet on his part to file for a divorce, like he keeps saying he'll do. Guess living a double life and lying is easier and safer for him than a clean, honest one, which I want, darn it. Reading all these posts help alot, I hope it helps you too.

[marieburg]

Are you nuts!!!! He is MARRIED that means he is UNAVAILABLE!!! You mean nothing to him, if he really loved you he would of left his wife. Most married men are not going to leave their wives. They have too much to lose. He just wants a little something different on the side.

[KISHA]

I KNOW HOW THIS FEELS. I VE BEEN DOING IT FOR A YEAR. AND IT IS HARD. CURRENTLY I HAVE THREATENED TO LEAVE HIM ALONE TO FIND A LOVE WHO WILL BE MINE AND ONLY MINE, BUT HE IS DOING THE DIVORCE THING NOW SO I AM OK. MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME.

[lilkoko]

hi everyone. I've been reading these posts and some have made me feel much better but some have made me feel guilty.

 

 

I've been seeing my married man for about 7 months but we have been friends for about a year. he is 26 and i am 20. we work together and my father is out boss and also his brother and brother in law (yes his wives brother) also work with us. he has been married for 4 years and i (believe it or not) have been married for a year. i am in the middle of a divorce but I'm not leaving for my other man i am leaving because my husband was abusive.

 

 

we started out as friends. he was the only person at work who could make me smile. we have unbelievably mindless jobs and work ridiculous hours. i was very depressed and he always made me happy. at first we would just go out for drinks after work but then one day we kissed and it has continued on from there. we have slept together but that is not what our relationship is about. we need each other more for the emotional support we get from one another that we don't get from our own spouses than for the sexual gratification. i often wonder what would happen if he left his wife. it would be awesome to spend more time together but honestly i couldn't trust him. he cheated on his pregnant wife with some girl he works with. but i just cant stop how i feel. I LOVE HIM with all my heart. when i think of the way he treats me in comparison to how my abusive husband treats me it make me laugh at how stupid i was to marry someone who would point a loaded gun at me as a joke!

 

i have so much more to say but i think this post is getting a little long i have no one to talk to about my situation so whatever responses anyone has i would be more than happy to read them. this has made me feel much better already.

[yellowrose]

How do you know when it's right to date a married man?

 

Never.

 

It is *never* ok. No matter what the excuse is, the long flowery story, the loopholes you create... It is *never* ok.

 

So if you try to justify it, if you find yourself making excuses for why it is ok, remember--- it is *always* as simple as this:

 

It is *never* ok to date a married man.

 

There is a reason that it is *illegal*. It's not a gray area. It's incontrovertible.

 

Yes, that's correct, adultery is *illegal*. Check it out. Call your Secretary of State's office. And if you are sleeping with a married man, you are committing adultery. Not only is the act illegal, but the wife can actually sue you for alienation of affection. Sit in denial all you want, but if you're in that situation, you're what society calls a "homewrecker". Does that sound harsh to you? Is that a slap in the face? Gosh. I'll tell you, it's nothing compared to what the faithful spouse will feel when he/she finds out about you. Was I supposed to pretty it up? Call it something nicer?

 

So there you go. Looking for validation? Not gonna get it from me. Looking for someone to tell you that you're the one exception because your set of circumstances are so dramatically different from all those others'? It's not gonna happen. Read the stories around here. EVERYONE has some set of excuses at to why they are the exception and should be let off the hook from being sorted out per what they are really doing.

 

Harsh, true, to the point. You can't hide from it. You can't dress it up and call it "starcrossed lovers" or some such B.S.

 

You, my dear, and this applies to anyone reading these forums looking for validation, are not the exception.