Falling in love with a married man

April 25, 2005

i was very depressed and he always made me happy. at first we would just go out for drinks after work but then one day we kissed and it has continued on from there. we have slept together but that is not what our relationship is about. we need each other more for the emotional support we get from one another that we don't get from our own spouses than for the sexual gratification. i often wonder what would happen if he left his wife. it would be awesome to spend more time together but honestly i couldn't trust him. he cheated on his pregnant wife with some girl he works with. but i just cant stop how i feel. I LOVE HIM with all my heart. when i think of the way he treats me in comparison to how my abusive husband treats me it make me laugh at how stupid i was to marry someone who would point a loaded gun at me as a joke!

Re-read here what you wrote. You have the answers within you. Be strong.

It sounds like you need some nice girl friends to hang out with - To talk to and get support from, not this guy, who is married AND alot of family members work with you all.

Some one on one therapy could help you - Especially since you're leaving an abusive marriage. Ofcourse you can't trust. It will take a while to feel strong and be able to have that trust again...So why go for this MM when you know inside that he's done this before, and cheated on his pregnant wife??? You're just going to hurt yourself more and more, this is an unncessary hurt - A BIG HURT - that you can prevent.

You say you love him? He treats you better than your husband? OK, in some way yes, he does but he is still hurting you because he is married and has kids.

Put you first, you need to look after your needs and make yourself happy. Don't need a man to make you feel worthy. Loneliness, I understand, but that is where friends/family come into play in this situation.

Just my thoughts.

April 25, 2005

My post is meant to be read in the same space as "He's Just Not That Into You".

Once you realize the basic truth of it, it can be liberating.

Imagine all the emotional contortions you can get yourself out of if you accept this one fact.

I'm not saying you're a bad human being, but that situation is *never* ok. Get out of it. Go do great things without the dead weight of those surroundings.

Over and out.

April 25, 2005

feel for ya honey,

maybe it helps to hold somebodies hand whilst you make this brave move, just remember that you cannot rely on him for very long and that it will be added pain at some point. it is up to you if you think you can make use of him to ease you through this difficult time then go for it, if however you really feel what it would feel to accept he was just using you and cannot handle it then try to leave both these relationships at once.

get some therapy, really as everyone else said and some friends and whatever you can to help you through this time. you are being really brave, i really dont think you need the added pain of this relationship. if you read the threads here you will see that people suffer in these relationships under normal circumstances, when you have other things to contend with it can make it so much worse.

on the other hand, whilst i went thru my relationship with mm i was having the most terrible time in my life, he never knew it tho, but looking back, i wonder if being with him actually helped me thru it. sure its painful now but nothing compared with the pain i was already experiencing.

just some things to consider xx

April 26, 2005

....been there, done that - 3 TIMES....one thing bears repeating: the guy that you've been having an affair with, won't be the same guy when he's going through a divorce.

The first two MM's I dated are now divorced and in the process of a divorce respectively. In hindsight, when I see them now I study their faces and listen carefully and wonder...what was so great about HIM? I'm no longer physical with either of them now and have no desire to be.

It's all about fantasy: no bills, no everyday worries, the thought about what could be - makes for a beautiful relationship. I'm still with #3, a much younger man, and right now everything is 'perfect', we're 'soul mates', he's the 'love of my life'....and on and on....

By the way, I was married to an abusive s**t too, for 9 years and MM's sweetness keeps me hanging on. Get out of your abusive marriage as soon as possible, but be aware MM is NOT the answer to your prayers honey. Take care and I wish you all the best!!

April 26, 2005

Originally posted by yellowrose
How do you know when it's right to date a married man?

Never.

It is *never* ok. No matter what the excuse is, the long flowery story, the loopholes you create... It is *never* ok.

So if you try to justify it, if you find yourself making excuses for why it is ok, remember--- it is *always* as simple as this:

It is *never* ok to date a married man.

There is a reason that it is *illegal*. It's not a gray area. It's incontrovertible.

Yes, that's correct, adultery is *illegal*. Check it out. Call your Secretary of State's office. And if you are sleeping with a married man, you are committing adultery. Not only is the act illegal, but the wife can actually sue you for alienation of affection. Sit in denial all you want, but if you're in that situation, you're what society calls a "homewrecker". Does that sound harsh to you? Is that a slap in the face? Gosh. I'll tell you, it's nothing compared to what the faithful spouse will feel when he/she finds out about you. Was I supposed to pretty it up? Call it something nicer?

So there you go. Looking for validation? Not gonna get it from me. Looking for someone to tell you that you're the one exception because your set of circumstances are so dramatically different from all those others'? It's not gonna happen. Read the stories around here. EVERYONE has some set of excuses at to why they are the exception and should be let off the hook from being sorted out per what they are really doing.

Harsh, true, to the point. You can't hide from it. You can't dress it up and call it "starcrossed lovers" or some such B.S.

You, my dear, and this applies to anyone reading these forums looking for validation, are not the exception.

Immoral.. not illegal. I don't know as how anyone's looking for validation.. or for you to say it's ok. I think people just come here for advice.. Not for people to jump all over them..

April 26, 2005

And I also can't believe how many perfect people we have here. Nobody has ever done anything wrong? I don't see as how anybody has the right to be as mean and judgemental as you people have been..

April 26, 2005

Well said Erika, too many people still miss the point - OW aren't necessarily looking for validation, this is a place where you can say what you can't talk about in everyday life. Some of us have NO ONE to talk to about it. It feels good to be able to unload and also to know that you're not the only one in this situation.

And a P.S. to everyone writing 'it's wrong....blah blah blah' ....we know, o.k.?

April 26, 2005

Originally posted by ThisGirlNameKD
For anyone who believes that things "just happen", they are VERY immature. Mature adults have the ability to control their thoughts, their feelings, their attitudes and their behavior. I agree with Hokey, in that if you realize you have improper romantic feelings (and they are improper because that person doesn't belong to you), you can choose whether to develop those feelings or to leave the situation alone. Just because you have romantic feelings for someone who is married, or someone you can't have does not mean YOU HAVE TO ACT ON THEM!!

I disagree, people do not have the ability to control their thoughts or feelings. You can't decide who you fall for, what you think about, how you feel -- that does just happen. Of course you can control your behavior, you can control what you do and how you act, but there is no way you can control your feelings or thoughts. I mean, do you think about what you are going to think about? No, you just think, it happens. And maybe you have an improper thought or feeling, you can leave the situation alone, but that doesn't neccesarily mean it will stop your feelings -- absence makes the heart grow fonder. Of course you don't HAVE to act on them, because that you can control. But there is no way you can control your feelings; you don't decide who you fall for, or why you fall for them, you just do.

October 19, 2005

Well I'm writing for the first time. I think I read everyone's postings for an hour and a half. It's hard when you think you're the only one in the situation of "loving a MM," but it's enlightening when you've realized there are others out there.

Maybe I'm supposed to write about my situation, and then I get feedback?

Ok, well I am in love with my boss at work. He is older than I, and obviously, he is married. He has children. His wife found out. Things went dead after that. Then all of a sudden little things started happening again. Kisses, etc.

I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, but how can one man send you on the downspiral of depression, especially when you a bright student with your whole life ahead of you?

I am totally consumed by the thought of him. I am afraid that I won't ever be interested in another. This has been going on for about 6 mos.

Anyone have any comments as to being in love with your boss who is significantly older?

October 19, 2005

Hey honey, I really feel for you. My MM is not my boss, and he's younger but you're definitely not alone! No advice, just a show of support for your situation.

October 24, 2005

Hey I understand your situation. I made the mistake of falling in love with an older married man. It is defianty hard especially knowing that nothing can ever really come from it. Rarely do they leave their wives and if you do would you really want to be with someone like that. I found myself asking those questions. All I can say is I would try to end it as soon as possible just to save yourself the pain down the road and his family. I am in the process of ending my relationship with a mm.

October 24, 2005

Any ladies out there facing this situation? Falling in love with a married man? I don't know what should I do now.. leave him or carry on the relationship with him.. I am so confused...

Having experience from the other side I would caution you to continue with a married man. Let me tell you what I was told about the OTHER woman after it was over. "She made me feel good and I just wanted to see how long I could get what I wanted from her. She was willing to do anything sexually that I wanted as many times as I wanted because she thought I was falling in love with her. I said vague things to make her think we could take our relationship someplace but I knew I loved my wife and was just getting what I wanted from her. I had no respect or love for her and did not feel a bit sad when it was over." Now doesn't that make you stop and think for a minute. People can be cruel and the only thing that gets hurt is you and your values. If this is the right thing to do do you tell everybody you know what you are doing and does he tell his wife all about it?? I am guessing no. If you have to hide things and you know in your heart it is wrong then don't do it. And as somebody else posted what if it happened to you?? Don't put yourself in a selfish class of people. If this is really love and truly good thing you can tell him to come back when he is single and ready to commit to you and until then you don't feel right about seeing him and hurting somebody else in the process. You can control your feelings and control the values you live your life by. God forbid you ever get married and invest all of yourself and find out the other person has stomped all over your heart and feelings and does not have the respect for you that you deserve. Put yourself and your values first and you should know what to do.

November 5, 2005

I am sad to that I have falling in love with a married man. I have tried my best to be mean to him to get these loving feeling I have for him out my head. I work in the ER at our hospital in town. The man I have falling for is a doctor there. I have been knowing him for about a year and our connection was instant. I don'tknow what to do I love him so much to the point that I can't sleep at night. We have not have had sex, we have only kissed. I know it's wrong but the feeling I have feels so right. He knows that I love him, but what good does that make. I can't stand the thought of me loving him beciase I know that it is wrong. But when ever I'm near him I feel like the world just stop spinning. someone please tell what to do before I go crazy

November 13, 2005

0K I HAVE TO SAY that all of you woman on here trying to make it ok that you are commiting adultry and trying to seem like angels at the same time MAKE ME SICK... do you not have any morals, values, emotions?? Is there a sick thrill to know that at the very time you and this married man are having sex, his wife is at home probably waiting for him and doing his laundry or cooking him dinner. I dont even want you to say that i wouldnt know unless i have been there because u are just making excuses. Woman that pull this s*** are nothing but self consiouse, inconsiderate, GIRLS that do not have enough confidence to look for a man that isnt married.. it is just to easy for you to go for the guy that will never commit to you...ALL OF THIS IS SICKENING

November 13, 2005

clearly these women have emotions.

the fact that he goes home to his wife is clearly not thrilling.

these relationships are far from easy.

dont see anyone claiming to be an angel either.

nobody thinks its ok, nobody feels like its ok, if they did they would not be seeking advice.

what is your point? that ow make you sick?

November 14, 2005

0K I HAVE TO SAY that all of you woman on here trying to make it ok that you are commiting adultry and trying to seem like angels at the same time MAKE ME SICK... do you not have any morals, values, emotions?? Is there a sick thrill to know that at the very time you and this married man are having sex, his wife is at home probably waiting for him and doing his laundry or cooking him dinner. I dont even want you to say that i wouldnt know unless i have been there because u are just making excuses. Woman that pull this s*** are nothing but self consiouse, inconsiderate, GIRLS that do not have enough confidence to look for a man that isnt married.. it is just to easy for you to go for the guy that will never commit to you...ALL OF THIS IS SICKENING

And you're here why? I never claimed to be an angel.. just try to help some girls who're going through what I went through. I never chased a MM.. other way around. I have values, morals AND emotions. And I think most girls here too. That's why they're so torn. So who're you to sit in judgement of anybody?

November 24, 2005

I am in the same situation that you are in. I'm in love with someone else's man and I don't know how to deal with it. Sometimes I try to just block him out of my mind, but you know what it does not work. I feel like a child again whenever I am around him. He makes me feel like I'm on cloud nine. He knows that I love him, but I keep denying it over and over again because I know its no future in loving a married man. But I love him so much and I can't let him go. Its a very bad situation because he is a doctor at the hospital I work at. I know that I am wrong for loving someones husband, but you can't help who love. You can try your best to ignore it, but the feeling will continue to be there until you face it. Everybody call us kind of women homewreckers, I hate that word because I would rather me just go on with my life and leave him alone, but I can't. When I go to bed at night I cry, when I'm not next to him I cry, when he is working and I am not I cry. All I want to do is be next to him and to be in his arms. But I know that it will never happens so I need to stop living a fantasy and come back to reality. I know what you are going through and it is very hard, it is so damn hard but you can get by so way and some how.

November 24, 2005

I'm sorry to say this, but you can't be selfish. I was foolish and fell in love with a woman outside my marriage, and she too was in love with me. I finally got a divorce and just as we have the opportunity to now be together we are both realizing that we're not nearly as compatible as we hoped. Sure, we made each other feel better than anything else every has up until this point, but now that we have the chance to see each other in "real life" its not nearly as great as we'd hoped.

Please don't be selfish. Unless his marriage is already in shambles, the odds of you two working out are near nothing. The stress that will follow in his breakup with his wife will devestate him and leave him as a different person. He married his wife because they had the chance to meet as a normal couple and grow together. You don't have that opportunity and although you are compatible now, the chance you take is that it won't work out as you hope with him.

Do you really want to feel responsible for breaking up a marriage and then your relatonship not working out? Obviously neither of you are clearly thinking - he is cheating and you're still chasing him. Although you are compatible in many ways, this isn't how the foundation of a relationship should grow.

I will tell you this - being the man in your exact situation, I regret every decision I made and I resent ever meeting the OW. Its the price I pay for being stupid and I have learned a very valuable lesson. It was terrific for us both for several months and the best fun and best love I have ever seen, but I hate it all now. Don't let that be you - please.

December 4, 2005

I can admit to the same situation. My advice to others that are in the same situation, as hard as it may be. I learned to love myself more. I would never hurt myself. I know it is very hard, because the relationship that you two share, was very beautiful. I have read other threads of other people against the other women. I don't have low -esteem at all. I can admit that I can be selfish at times, but I refuse to sell myself short, true I want my own man! I have started to view myself, inside/outside. Life is what you make of it, of course...it comes without instructions! I became overwhelmed with a mm. It was hard, and still is to learn to focus on the real picture, that even though his married sucks, he has to take a look at at his own self, and try to change unhealthy patterns in his life. We are all humans with feelings, so am not going to be judgemental by ay means, so life is full of lessons to be learned.

December 9, 2005

I cannot believe the overwhelming response to this question. I am on here today seeking some answers myself .... I just ended a three year relationship with a MM that i work with. I am also married. Though we tried on numerous counts to end the relationship it was difficult, even when i left my job for awhile we still found reasons and ways to communicate. It is so hard on me emotionally i even went for counseling and still the relationship continued. The thing i find interesting is that we only slept together 1 but had numerous other sexual encounters plus we did spend together as friends ... my outlook is this ... being in w dual relationship takes a lot of effort and can be so emotionally traumatic for everyone involved.... i am racked with guilt for his wife and children as well as my own family. We recently told eachother we loved eachother but the cost of us being together is too much.. he loves his kids and i love mine... so finally its over, for how long who knows, i will take it one step at time... i am just looking to help someone else who is even thinking about an affair.... please don't do it.. i am am so emotionally drained and think i found the love of my life but i have to let it go ... and let me tell you it is easier to walk away from them before you devote any emotional time to it... they always pick the wife .. and if they don't... its a battle that you better be ready for..... take care in whatever decsion you make

December 9, 2005

let me tell you it is easier to walk away from them before you devote any emotional time to it... they always pick the wife .. and if they don't... its a battle that you better be ready for..... take care in whatever decsion you make

Well, anyone reading online about affairs knows they don't always pick the W. And neither did you pick your H (unless you are missing something from your story).

No, they don't always pick the W, but it is always difficult, always hurtful, and (most often) ends badly.

December 10, 2005

Unless his marriage is already in shambles, the odds of you two working out are near nothing.

Sorry to hear about your experience, but I am friends with a couple who did what you did, and they are very happily married now. Each situation is different.

December 20, 2005

I'm too am fighting my feelings for this guy who is alas married.

I so don't want to be the OW, but do get these intense feelings that something could possibly happen between us.

He has become an acquanintance/casual friend of mine, though we've never purposedly met up we have talked on occassions when we have accidently bumped into each other

I never noticed him at first he came to me told me he had noticed me about. Since then he would tease me, flirt with me, started touching me (on the arm initially). At times there was intense eye contact and tes i feel for him hook line and sinker.

But then i found out (realised) he was married. too late my feelings for him were too strong.

But he continued flirting with me and the teasing continued.

He still touch me occassionally and his hands now have moved to my back stroking too.

I have tried to distance myself from him as i am frightened what could happen, on a chance encounter (well 2) on the train home from work (we live near each other) he asked if i was avoiding him.

On the other encounter he asked if i lived alone? Bearing in mind we don't really know each other though we have asked each other personal questions.

I am still trying to limit contact with him but it hurts so much not being with him as i know he can never be mine, its like i'm been torn both ways

December 20, 2005