kiababy Posted June 20, 2004 Share Posted June 20, 2004 ....I thought by now I would have been out of my situation, i really thought I was ready. It's been 10 months. Two weeks ago for the first time I was POSITIVE it was over, and I came to this site for the support and strength, and maybe even a little advice to help me make the break. But, there is very little help to be found here. Lots of advice, but nothing that will remove your feelings, which is what I guess deep down I wanted to happen. Not to have to deal with them, just have them be GONE. I'm still trying to make the break too, no success. p.s. I swore I would never post here again because I kept getting caught up in nasty verbal confrontations, then I realized they don't make a bit if difference in my day to day life. So I quit Do what I do (and Paul, one of the moderators suggests), post privately if there is someone you really think you have a good rapport with, and you'll be able to stay out of the crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted June 20, 2004 Share Posted June 20, 2004 I agree. I try to follow all the very good advice given on here but sometimes it's hard to shut off the emotion. It would be so much better if I could just feel nothing in regards to my MM... Link to post Share on other sites
1Yoyo Posted June 20, 2004 Share Posted June 20, 2004 kiababy, Perhaps we women with the same problem can help each other! I wish you much success. Yo Link to post Share on other sites
kechara Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 I just walked away. In tears, I told him I could have no further contact with him. That was 5 weeks ago. It still hurts like hell. I still feel like calling him every day. I still log on to my email every day. I still park my car where I can see his car at work. But the more I read the more I know it was the right decision. I remind myself over and over and over... regardless of LOVE that was not a HEALTHY relationship. I remember the times when I wanted to be with him, but couldn't. I remember all of the cancelled plans (the kids want to do something). I remember the nights when I needed to be held (my grandfather died), and he couldn't come and comfort me. I deserve more than he was capable of giving. And even if he moves out of his house, out of his life, I don't think I'll ever get over the angry feeling- he used me to fill a gap in his life rather than being brave enough to do the right thing. If there are any specific questions I can answer, Yo, let me know. Link to post Share on other sites
therresa kennedy Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 Hello Kechara, You did the right thing! It must have been hard, we learn to accept situations that are bad for us, we make concession after concession in an attempt to be loved. It becomes such a bad habit, the things we do behind closed doors. What you did was right, and I am sure it is hard if you work near one another. Just remember your own words, YOU DESERVE BETTER! That is so important to remember. A real relationship will give you comfort when a loved one dies, will hold you when you need to be held. A real one on one relationship won't say "my kids need me more" won't say they can't come over because something came up. It is always hard, lonely and so incredibly SAD to say goodbye to someone we have been intimate with, and the hurt does last, but in time, the pain lessens and fades, becomes dimmer. Contratulations to YOU for having the courage to just walk away, sometimes the HARDEST and the EASIEST thing to do. You are definately wiser and more of a woman because of what you've been through. Take care and best regards, Link to post Share on other sites
kechara Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 I needed that boost tonight after a long day. Some days I wonder if I'm moving forward at all. It is very hard to let go, very hard to make peace. I know I need to forgive him and forgive myself, but I'm so busy feeling hurt and angry and guilty. Ah, one breath at a time...sometimes, that's the best I can do. Link to post Share on other sites
Complicated Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 I truly understand all that has been said but the conclusion I come to is that I am not you, nor that you are me. How can anyone cast judgment on those when they just don't know what the other is going through? I am in a situation where I have fallen in love with a married man. I didn't seek it out, it just happened. Call me "immature" or criticize me but I couldn't control it. One of those situations were you work with him, become friends with him, fall in love with him. No we are not having a sexual affair but isn't that what happens next? Do you honestly think that a person whom has found something so wonderful wouldn't go after it? This man consumes my everyday yet since he is married, I am supposed to move on like it is so easy to control. I have mentioned my situation before and I got the same opinions as I have read here. Move on, home-wrecker, husband-stealer, etc. Maybe we should and maybe we are but it takes two to tango. I hear things like, "he doesn't love you," "he is just using you," "he'll cheat on you." How can people really say these things when they have no idea of the person on the other end? Maybe he is REALLY unhappy. Maybe he IS staying for the children. Just MAYBE he does love you but can't divorce. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated everyones opinion but it boiled down to one thing. Yeah, maybe I should let go and move but I can't. I am not strong enough. Do NOT cast judgment on those when you have NEVER stepped foot in their shoes. Ever person is different. In one situation a man could hurt the other woman, but it some cases it doesn't happen like that. In some cases things could turn out for the better. I have no idea where people get these "statistics" but I believe them to be BS. What, is there some POLL somewhere just for those "affairs gone wrong?" I believe in love at first sight. I also believe in the vows spoken at weddings. BUT I also believe in mistakes. Maybe that marriage was a mistake. Maybe they really didn't know the other as well then as now. Maybe he just doesn't love her anymore. I believe that you can fall in love and fall right back out with no reason at all. "Love" has strange ways of controlling a person. All I look for is the "benefit of the doubt." In my situation, I don't push myself at him. If he truly loves me then he will come to me. Actually he doesn't even know my feelings towards him. Perhaps if he did, things would change for the better. BUT they could change for the worse too and I am not ready to risk the friendship. He talks of his wife in some positive and some negative ways. That is him and that is what makes up his character. I LOVE him, I LOVE everything about him. I am told to spare myself the heart break. BUT could there just be a chance that happiness is in the horizon? How do you know, if you don't try? As for the wife....we don't set out to hurt them. We don't purposely look for families to destroy. Yet it sometimes happens that way. My answer to everything is...."follow your heart and only then will you be truly happy." Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 Find someone who's not married...it would be better for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Complicated Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 Find someone who's not married???? That isn't the point. I don't seek out only married men. I have to deal with the feelings I have for this married man. Link to post Share on other sites
therresa kennedy Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 Miss complicated, I just have to say, IF you are woman enough to spread your legs to a married man, (which is stepping on territory where you shouldn't go, MM rarely leave their wives for women who accept THEIR role as second fiddle) then you are also woman enough to accept all the DANGERS and RISKS that are an inherent part of infidelity. I have seen so many lives destroyed by acts of infidelity, and if you think you have a "right" to pursue this, even though if he had to choose who he TRULY, wanted to be with, he would probably choose his wife, well, then, I quess you are woman enough to accept what may happen to you as a result. There are so many multifaceted layers to this kind of dynamic, to this kind of life style choice, and please don't bore us with that tired song and dance about how "it just happened" and you were helpless to prevent it. You made a "choice", learn to accept responcibilty, and not shirk it onto a concept. YOU have a great deal to learn, and learn it you will. It is a slow process, and for the young, the pain they seem to have to experience to truly gain wisdom seems to be the price to pay, to get to that wiser place. A really good film to see, one that details the potential dangers of infidelity is UNFAITHFUL with Diane Lane. Another really good film is DAMAGE, with Juliet Binoche and Jeremy Irons. But like I said, you are taking on a potentially deadly game, and hopefully you won't get horribly burned or disfigured in the process. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Complicated Posted June 29, 2004 Share Posted June 29, 2004 First of all I will apologize for the attitude which my forum put off to all whom read it. I was furious over the harsh judgment casted in the first several forums. Second, thank you for your honest opinion Kennedy. Whether I want to hear some of those things or not, it is good to hear them. I am not trying to justify any sort of infidelity behavior at all. I know what I am in and I know if I pursued it, it would be morally wrong. Perhaps you missed understood me because as of right now, I have done nothing wrong. I have not so much as touched this man in any way whatsoever. Perhaps it is the road I am traveling that seems to offend you. Perhaps you are or have been a wife of a cheating husband. If so, then my heart goes to you. All I was trying to get across was my beliefs that you can't control who you love. I believe there to be no "on and off switch." Some would think otherwise and that is fine. But until you step into my shoes, you have no clue what I am going through. You have no idea how exhausting it is to look a man who you feel so much for yet be so far out of reach. Perhaps you are stronger than I. Perhaps you have been where I am before. Perhaps you found that strength to go on. Well I haven't. My heart goes out to those in my situation. May you find the peace you deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted June 29, 2004 Share Posted June 29, 2004 Find someone who's not married???? That sentence is like nails on a chalkboard to me too...especially since I DO date men who are not married also, in an attempt to find a 'replacement' for my MM. It makes no difference whatsoever. The time I spend with a single guy doesn't come close to the quality time I spend with HIM. He also: - never stands me up - calls me the day 'after' to say how great it was - calls me just to tell me how 'awesome' I am and that he's the 'luckiest man in the world' to have me Does this justify the affair? OF COURSE NOT. But......these are some of the things, along with my own newly discovered dysfunction (I hope you've been following my journey of self-discovery Therresa ), that make it so incredibly difficult to replace an MM one has fallen in love with - with an unmarried man. I wish you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
therresa kennedy Posted June 29, 2004 Share Posted June 29, 2004 I know your situation, and you know that I sympathize with you. I also know how supportive you have been to Nubianangel and that is to your credit. She and I just butt heads on some things, I probably don't have YOUR tact, I am far too outspoken, it's one of my worst faults. In any event, I do know that each situation is different, and that I should not come off so harsh. I hope you are doing well Kia. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted June 29, 2004 Share Posted June 29, 2004 I do agree. I would have been just as attracted to my MM no matter what his status. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 Is it wrong to just love someone that married, like to care about them immensely but NOT act on it? Is it just morally wrong to have any kind of feelings of love towards someone that is married...even though you have no intentions behind it? Is it wrong to be friends with that person? Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 I am the LAST person to say what's right or wrong, and deep down you already know what feels right or wrong to you. If nothing has happened yet - please don't subject yourself to the heartache. Please don't do it Keep reading the posts on this forum and follow the progression, you'll get a good idea of the sadness you'll be facing if you decide to give in. But if it does go further.....we'll be right here to support you. I wish you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Complicated Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 I absolutely know what it is like to be so confused in a situation such as this. At a place where your heart is telling you one thing, yet your mind is telling you different. At a point where you are "running in place" because you do not know what direction to take. Well, I am there too. I know what you are feeling but I will not give you an opinion of what is right and what is wrong. I am in love with a married man too but I am still at the point of "running in place." I don't know what direction is right. I prefer to live with two different statements..... 1. If you follow your heart, only then will you be truly happy. 2. If it is destined, it will happen. My heart goes out to you. I pray that you will get the peace you deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 It's never wrong to care about anyone It's what you do with your feelings, how you act upon them. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 Your replies did help. Thank you for the insight. Link to post Share on other sites
1Yoyo Posted July 5, 2004 Share Posted July 5, 2004 I think I am ready to start my letting go process. The lonely nights are getting to me now. Crying and eating chocolate seem to be the only things I am doing at night. I hope I make it. Yo Link to post Share on other sites
yogurtu Posted July 5, 2004 Share Posted July 5, 2004 I am a married man and I have just broken off my relationship with my lover for almost a year. Dating a married man is a lose/lose proposition to all parties: wife, children, mistress, and husband. It is not true that all men just want some extra sex when starting an affair. In my case, we never had sex, but it was getting more and more physical to the pint that I knew it would happen soon if I didn't stop it. The pain I have caused to everyone around me is indescribable, and I have both feelings of guilt, remorse, and embarrassment while I am grieving the loss of my lover. Just don't do it; and if you're in too deep already, be brave enough to sever ties with your affair partner, whether you are the other woman or the husband. Even the best moments together are not worth all the suffering and grief that comes afterward. I am experiencing this first hand. Link to post Share on other sites
yogurtu Posted July 5, 2004 Share Posted July 5, 2004 Korine, I understand your confusion, as an adulterous MM I was also as confused as was my lover. Leave him, this is the only good choice for you and him in the long run. As soon as your relationship cools off, you'll realize that your feelings and the entire relationship were just an illusion, a bad nightmare. Affairs make us secrete endorphins, which give us this unreal high, just like alcohol or drugs. Too bad that the headache that comes later won't go away in a day, and we give a headache to a lot of other people we love as well. Yolanda, hang in there. The lonely nights won't last forever; you'll get stronger as time goes by. Link to post Share on other sites
1Yoyo Posted July 5, 2004 Share Posted July 5, 2004 Thanks for your words. I am curious, does your wife/family know about your "friend"?? Do you love this woman or was it just a companion or to fill a void? This may seem mean spirited, and I don't mean for it to..BUT it is nice to know that the men, well some anyway, go through similar feelings. Yo Link to post Share on other sites
yogurtu Posted July 5, 2004 Share Posted July 5, 2004 Yes, she knows now, but I had kept it a secret before because I knew it was wrong and we getting more and more physical. My kids don't know yet, they may be too young to understand the complexity of what's going on. It started as friendship to fill a void, but now I have feelings for her. I told my affair partner that I loved her. I also told my wife about this, too. However, my "friend" told me that my feelings were stronger than hers, and although she was definitely up for sex if it got to that, it seems that she is/was less involved than I was emotionally. Yogurtu Link to post Share on other sites
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