BadGirl2003 Posted July 3, 2003 Share Posted July 3, 2003 I just wanted to apologize to you Korine some of my posts probably have been very unhelpful to you because I was getting off subject with your original post. I was just commenting on what others had to say about the topic but I hope something in my posts has helped you. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted July 3, 2003 Share Posted July 3, 2003 It's not true that all mature adults have the ability to control their thoughts, their feelings, their attitudes and their behavior we are all different so you can't say that about every person. Au Contraire - it IS indeed true that mature adults have the ability to control their behavior. A person who cannot control their behavior, or their thoughts and attitudes for that matter, is not a mature adult, and many people who cannot control themselves are in prisons or institutions or in the ground. We choose how to behave and we choose whether we focus our thoughts and attitudes on a particular subject. A thought can pop into your head, but it's up to you to continue the thought or to tell yourself you don't want to think about it and then force yourself to not think about it. That is more difficult in different situations, but it's possible. Anyway, there is always a choice in behavior. And no one every said that Choosing your Actions/Behavior was always easy - sometimes its very painful and difficult and requires a tremendous amount of effort and tears - but it IS still a choice. Link to post Share on other sites
iluveaj4life Posted July 3, 2003 Share Posted July 3, 2003 I think if you ladies want to get over your married men there's a few things you have to do. I don't know if it worksd I am still in the testing stages. First thing that I heard you should do is cut all ties. Staying friends or just calling to see how they are doing only prolongs the issue. Second, focus all the energy and emotion you once wasted on him to something positive. Example I decided to start collage to occupy my mind. Third do not under any circumstances give him sex... That will make his life more bearable and better. All the while making yours worse. It is also impossible to break a connection with a lover if your still having sex. And finally, this may not be right but whatever works.. I have chosen to take my resentment over the fact that he didn't leave his marrage for me. I am going to take that resentment and turn it into fuel for becoming a better person and a wealthier person just to shove it in his face. See what you could have had. It may be wrong but it's motivation. don't try to see other people right away. ytou will only compare them to him and they will lose not because they are not good people but simply because you still have feelings for him. I also think it helps that I chose not to do this rather that wait and be completely devistated when he comes up with a different excuse. my besy advice stay occupied and turn the negitive to positive however possible am I crazy or does this seem like it will work? please all opinion wanted. thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
BadGirl2003 Posted July 3, 2003 Share Posted July 3, 2003 Originally posted by iluveaj4life I think if you ladies want to get over your married men there's a few things you have to do. I don't know if it worksd I am still in the testing stages. First thing that I heard you should do is cut all ties. Staying friends or just calling to see how they are doing only prolongs the issue. Second, focus all the energy and emotion you once wasted on him to something positive. Example I decided to start collage to occupy my mind. Third do not under any circumstances give him sex... That will make his life more bearable and better. All the while making yours worse. It is also impossible to break a connection with a lover if your still having sex. And finally, this may not be right but whatever works.. I have chosen to take my resentment over the fact that he didn't leave his marrage for me. I am going to take that resentment and turn it into fuel for becoming a better person and a wealthier person just to shove it in his face. See what you could have had. It may be wrong but it's motivation. don't try to see other people right away. ytou will only compare them to him and they will lose not because they are not good people but simply because you still have feelings for him. I also think it helps that I chose not to do this rather that wait and be completely devistated when he comes up with a different excuse. my besy advice stay occupied and turn the negitive to positive however possible am I crazy or does this seem like it will work? please all opinion wanted. thank you. That's some very good advice iluveaj4life it's the best advice I've seen so far. Your advice is similar to this online counselor that my friend talks too she gave her the same advice that you did in your message. I agree with you said in your post don't try to see other people right away sometimes that doesn't help it takes some time. That advice that you gave will help someone in that situation. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted July 3, 2003 Share Posted July 3, 2003 The advice to turn negative into positive is priceless, and I hope that's what all women do. And to BadGirl2003, I read my post, and I don't see ANYWHERE where I have personally said that you were involved in a relationship with a married man. You read the statement wrong when I said I don't care how you try to adjust it or how any other person involved with a married person justifies it. That wasn't to say you were doing. What I was say was you IN ADDITION, or ALSO those who are involved in a relationship with someone married. But as an earlier post brought out, this is a forum where we share opinions, likes and dislikes, and you have had something to write about in answer to everyone that disagreed with you. You're giving advice to people you don't know, so why should you be mad is someone uses your name in a posting they're writing about? If they disagree with you who cares? You got your opinion out, and your opinion is not law. People have a right to disagree and voice it. If you're going to be writing here, you can't take things personally because people will say things to you that you may not care for or may rub you the wrong way. Link to post Share on other sites
BadGirl2003 Posted July 3, 2003 Share Posted July 3, 2003 Originally posted by ThisGirlNameKD But as an earlier post brought out, this is a forum where we share opinions, likes and dislikes, and you have had something to write about in answer to everyone that disagreed with you. You're giving advice to people you don't know, so why should you be mad is someone uses your name in a posting they're writing about? If they disagree with you who cares? You got your opinion out, and your opinion is not law. People have a right to disagree and voice it. If you're going to be writing here, you can't take things personally because people will say things to you that you may not care for or may rub you the wrong way. I want to comment on what you said ThisGirlName when you put in your message that you didn't see anywhere in your post that you were personally writing something refering to me this is what I read in your post: And I don't care how BadGirl2 tries to justify adultery or any other women or man that's involved with someone married tries to justify and make what's she's doing seem not all that wrong, any person that goes after someone that's married is selling themselves very short. You may not have been just talking about me but you were refering that to me by using my name to make some kind of statement and I didn't like that at all. I have a right to comment on what anybody says if I don't like it or if I do like it and I will continue to do that. Many people do it so there's no law against posting your thoughts on what others have to say but I'll read the guidelines on this message board to see if I'm wrong. Yes, I was giving advice to people I don't know you were also who gives a ...... What makes you different unless you know these people personally? Of course, I'm going to get mad when someone uses my name in a post the wrong way but other than that I don't care. If everyone disagrees with I've said in my posts then that's there prerogative. I agree with you said people have a right to disagree and voice it so I will continue to voice my opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted July 3, 2003 Share Posted July 3, 2003 I corrected myself earlier by letting you know that I was not insinuating that you were having an affair with a married man. Apparently you didn't understand so here it goes: I was not saying that you personally were having an affair. I said that you justified it just AS other people who having an affair with married people were. Yes you do have a right to feel the way you can, and you have a right to voice it. But you are writing here to be useful and helpful, but everyone's not going to like your form of help. If you're giving people advice and someone writes back and says they don't like the advice you give, that's part of the territory when it comes to this forum. Like I said, you write back to everyone that disagrees with you or has something to say against what you've said. You've done it to hokeyreligions, you've done it to Gray, and you've done it to Neonink, and now you're doing it to me. If that's how you're going to be when someone says something against you, people are not going to what to read your advice when you're trying to help them. If you read, hundreds of postings are written where people use other people's names, sometimes in the wrong way, sometimes in the right way. But no one ever lashes out. They kindly correct themselves, or correct the other person. And the same thing is going to happen to you. This is about helping other people, it has nothing to do with you personally. It takes alot of humility and putting away pride to be able to do this work because opinions are going to clash, and it looks ridicule to resort to arguing back and forth. So say what you want to after this, but I'm going to take the high road and leave this alone. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamer Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 help me!! i fell in love with a married man, me and him have been together for about nine months and he says that he loves me, i havent asked him to leave his wife, but i would like him to do so.. what do i do??? Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 help me!! i fell in love with a married man, me and him have been together for about nine months and he says that he loves me, i havent asked him to leave his wife, but i would like him to do so.. what do i do??? I always find it humorous when people say they "fell" in love......as if it was something that just accidentally happened and they had no control over it. Love is a choice. You made the choice, of your own free will, to hang out with and develop feelings for someone else's husband..and you've been his mistress for 9 months now. After he gets out of bed after screwing you, he goes back home to his wife and screws her. That's okay with you? Don't be naive and foolish.....he's not ever going to leave his wife for you, EVER. If after 9 months he really loved you, and things with his wife were so bad,he'd have left her long ago. What is with these delusional women??? *shaking head* And if he DID leave her, he's already proven that he's a lying, cheating pig...and he'll do it to you, too. Why would you settle for being someone's occasional, handy lil' f*ck? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamer Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 FIRST OF ALL "LOVE" IS SOMETHING THAT JUST HAPPENS!! ITS NOT SOMETHING THAT A PERSON PLANS!!! AND I DO LOVE HIM AND I REALIZE THAT HE WILL PROBABLY NEVER LEAVE HIS WIFE, AT LEAST NOT UNTIL HIS KIDS GET OLDER, BUT I CAN TRULY SAY THAT THE TIME I HAVE SPENT WITH HIM HAS BEEN INCREDIBLE!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 FIRST OF ALL "LOVE" IS SOMETHING THAT JUST HAPPENS!! ITS NOT SOMETHING THAT A PERSON PLANS!!! AND I DO LOVE HIM AND I REALIZE THAT HE WILL PROBABLY NEVER LEAVE HIS WIFE, AT LEAST NOT UNTIL HIS KIDS GET OLDER, BUT I CAN TRULY SAY THAT THE TIME I HAVE SPENT WITH HIM HAS BEEN INCREDIBLE!!! Oh, the ol' BS line of "he's staying with his wife only because of his kids." Yep, uh huh. Alrighty then. So until his kids get older and he then leaves his wife *cough cough*, you're going to SETTLE for having to live a life of being second best, sneaking around, being part of a relationship that's based solely on dishonesty and betrayal (he's betraying his wife and his children's mother, you're betraying a fellow-woman and yourself), getting his "crumbs", being a mistress, being hidden and a secret, being "not good enough" for him to make a real commitment to? So if everything's so peachy, what advice are you seeking, exactly? There's plenty of info on these forums on sexually transmitted diseases and HIV...you might want to read them.....cuz hun, if he's porking you, you're not the only one...... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamer Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 well the reason why i know that he is not messing around on me is because i trust him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 well the reason why i know that he is not messing around on me is because i trust him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You trust a guy who cheats on his wife? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 Jeez, I thought Chicago is one of the biggest cities in the nation... You can't find a guy that's ACTUALLY SINGLE. Link to post Share on other sites
BadGirl2003 Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 Originally posted by dreamer help me!! i fell in love with a married man, me and him have been together for about nine months and he says that he loves me, i havent asked him to leave his wife, but i would like him to do so.. what do i do??? Well Dreamer my advice is you really need to ask him if he would ever leave his wife for you. If he says no then you need to move on, I know it will be hard since you've been with this man for 9 months and love him but it will be for the best. You know you came to this thread for advice there's going to be some negative and positive things said from different people but don't let anyone get to you I've learn that because people here can say some pretty hurtful things when they don't know how you're feeling. Just say strong and make the right decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Gray Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 Originally posted by dreamer I REALIZE THAT HE WILL PROBABLY NEVER LEAVE HIS WIFE, AT LEAST NOT UNTIL HIS KIDS GET OLDER Ha, Cleopatra, Queen of Denial. FIRST OF ALL "LOVE" IS SOMETHING THAT JUST HAPPENS!! ITS NOT SOMETHING THAT A PERSON PLANS!!! I guess I don't understand this because, for example, I have never fallen in love with my cousin. I have never fallen in love with someone under 18 (except when i was under 18). I have never fallen in love with my friends' girlfriends. And I have never fallen in love with a married woman. So if love is this thing that just happens, then why wouldn't it come up in more awkward situations. Its because you open yourself up to love. You may not choose who you fall in love with, but theres definately a on and off switch for the group of people you could possibly fall in love with. I had to sound Freudian (because I think the man was a hack) but I'd put money on the fact that this stems from some incident in your childhood. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamer Posted July 11, 2003 Share Posted July 11, 2003 Well I wanna thank the people who are actually capable of giving advice without being so fu**** judgemental!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Bruno6301 Posted July 12, 2003 Share Posted July 12, 2003 *sigh* Does it ever stop? Wanting someone who is NOT avaliable? Geez Link to post Share on other sites
dreamer Posted July 12, 2003 Share Posted July 12, 2003 No thats not what I'm asking for!! Sorry for snapping on you guys I've been having a really bad week. I'm short on cahs I just moved out of my house and everything is just going downhill!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang_Salley Posted July 24, 2003 Share Posted July 24, 2003 You know it isn't always a choice falling for a married man. I met my lover and spent 2 and a half months with him before I found out that he was married. Yes, he lied, yes he hurt me, but you cannot just turn off feelings that you develop after that period of time. We did everything together, day and night. Had a blast! We are both military and were on a deployment. Yes that happens all the time. But that was 6 months ago and we still see each other when we can. Yes it is an emotional rollercoster, and yes it is something that I should end. But right now we are both comfortable with the arrangement. I just went through a divorce after 20 years, so I am not looking for a long term relationship! Hope I don't get too much hate mail. It is what it is! Salley Link to post Share on other sites
BadGirl2003 Posted July 25, 2003 Share Posted July 25, 2003 Originally posted by Mustang_Salley You know it isn't always a choice falling for a married man. I met my lover and spent 2 and a half months with him before I found out that he was married. Yes, he lied, yes he hurt me, but you cannot just turn off feelings that you develop after that period of time. We did everything together, day and night. Had a blast! We are both military and were on a deployment. Yes that happens all the time. But that was 6 months ago and we still see each other when we can. Yes it is an emotional rollercoster, and yes it is something that I should end. But right now we are both comfortable with the arrangement. I just went through a divorce after 20 years, so I am not looking for a long term relationship! Hope I don't get too much hate mail. It is what it is! Salley Well, Salley I can't exact say that I'm in the same situation as you but I do at this time have feelings for a married man. I didn't choose to be with him because it wasn't right and I'm still very young (20 years old) so I have time to find that perfect guy for me. All I really have to say is stay strong because I kinda know how you are feeling right now. You are with him but the guy that I REALLY want to be with I can't be with. Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang_Salley Posted July 25, 2003 Share Posted July 25, 2003 Badgirl Just be aware of the heartache and the emotional rollercoaster that you will be on if you choose to be with this married man. I don't get to see my guy except once a month now and that is hard to deal with. See, I still love the guy that I knew before he was married. I just can't stop caring about him now! Good luck with your relationship! You are right you have your whole life ahead of you! Just don't ever sell yourself short! Salley Link to post Share on other sites
BadGirl2003 Posted July 25, 2003 Share Posted July 25, 2003 Originally posted by Mustang_Salley Badgirl Just be aware of the heartache and the emotional rollercoaster that you will be on if you choose to be with this married man. I don't get to see my guy except once a month now and that is hard to deal with. See, I still love the guy that I knew before he was married. I just can't stop caring about him now! Good luck with your relationship! You are right you have your whole life ahead of you! Just don't ever sell yourself short! Salley I'm very aware but I've been pretty emotional over this guy. I also liked him before he got married but I didn't want to be with him because I didn't want to come between him and his fiance. He knew how I felt about him and he also had feelings for me but he didn't want to hurt her so we decided not to talk to each other. Right now I'm in a relationship but I still can't get this guy off my mind, I'm trying but it's really hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Siobhan 2003 Posted August 1, 2003 Share Posted August 1, 2003 I CAN RELATE I HAVE BEEN IN THE SAME SITUATION FOR THE PAST YEAR, AND I FINALLY MADE HIM PUT ALL HIS CARDS ON THE TABLE. I ALSO TOOK A STEP BACK TO DETERMINE IF THIS WAS WHAT I WANTED. AND SURE ENOUGH HIS DECISION WAS TO PROCEED WITH HIS DIVORCE, AND MOVE OUT. THIS HAS NOT BEEN EASY AND I DO NOT WANT TO MAKE IT SEEM GLORIOUS BECAUSE IT IS NOT. HOWEVER, THIS IS THE PATH THAT I CHOSE AND I HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES. BUT NOW WE CAN FINALLY GET ON WITH OUR LIVES AND THAT IS THE MAIN THING!! ANYONE THAT HAS NOT WALKED IN OUR SHOES CAN BE CRITICIZING & JUDGEMENTAL ( I WAS BEFORE GOING THROUGH THIS) BUT YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. AND ALOT OF TIMES L-O-V-E CAN BLIND US FROM MAKING THE MORALISTIC DECISION THAT WE HAVE BEEN TAUGHT TO DO. NEVER THE LESS ASK ONLY YOU CAN MAKE YOUR MIND UP ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO. Link to post Share on other sites
eidolon Posted September 17, 2003 Share Posted September 17, 2003 simply put. think of the foundation upon which you ae building a relationship. if a person ever leaves their spouse for someone else after having an affair...the person on the recieving end (which could be either party) will always have suspicions surrounding the relationship. in my opinion that is! spirit... allow your spirit to live in his/her shadow. Link to post Share on other sites
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