separated in the same house; would wife come around

[redblack66]

Just make it one day at a time. I agree all tha limbo is very frustrating. And I would not agree to it as well.

 

The question is what do you want R&B?

 

Do you want to reconsile or do you want to end it all?

 

What does she want? Does she want to begin again with you or does she want to go her seperate ways?

 

I want to have the marriage back.

She says she wants separate ways, but I do not quite believe what she says.

For example, living separately, but I should come to look after kids when she goes to work out. This *does not* work from my side.

[bestadvisor]

You said she was nice to you for that one day, did she continue to be nice to you after that? Are you still hanging out with your "date"?

[redblack66]

You said she was nice to you for that one day, did she continue to be nice to you after that? Are you still hanging out with your "date"?

 

She was nice yesterday. This morning she was little grumpy, but she was up since 4:00am. She looked absolute 10, and I told her this. She was happy to hear it, but I think I was stupidly carried away with my compliments, and she got little annoyed. I will see how tonight will go.

I have to be extremely careful with my date, although there is absolutely nothing there, just friendship.

[bestadvisor]

She was happy to hear it, but I think I was stupidly carried away with my compliments, and she got little annoyed. I will see how tonight will go.

I have to be extremely careful with my date, although there is absolutely nothing there, just friendship.

 

As I said before, be nice and pleasant, but don't over do it. By the way, does your W work?

 

What do you mean you have to be extremely careful? So, you won't piss your W off? As long as you don't stay late (pass 9 or 10 p.m.), it should be alright.

[redblack66]

As I said before, be nice and pleasant, but don't over do it.

Very good advice. I am a person of extremes, so often I over do things.

 

By the way, does your W work?

No, she has been at home with kids for 7 years. I am really wondering if staying out of touch with the reality for so long has influenced her views. We do not have anybody to help us, we do not have babysitters (our wish), so you can imagine.

 

What do you mean you have to be extremely careful?

So, you won't piss your W off? As long as you don't stay late (pass 9 or 10 p.m.), it should be alright.

 

I mean I should not over do it.

[bestadvisor]

No, she has been at home with kids for 7 years. I am really wondering if staying out of touch with the reality for so long has influenced her views.

 

Are you sure she is not having some type of emotional affair over the internet while you're at work?

 

When was the last time you and her went out on a date without the kids? Do you think she will reject that idea if you propose it...nothing fancy or romantic, just some old fashion dinner and movie? If you try hard enough, it shouldn't be that hard to find some 16 year old girl to babysit.

 

What does she do for fun other than taking care of the kids?

[jjhays]

Time to leave. It will be painful at first but there is hope. I would definetly call it quits.

[redblack66]

Are you sure she is not having some type of emotional affair over the internet while you're at work?

She had an emotional affair at her parents house. I wrote about it earlier in the thread. I am not sure if this is going on at the moment

over the internet. It might.

 

When was the last time you and her went out on a date without the kids?

Before our blow up, we did not have a date for years without kids, perhaps 3-4 years. BIG mistake.

 

Do you think she will reject that idea if you propose it...nothing fancy or romantic, just some old fashion dinner and movie? If you try hard enough, it shouldn't be that hard to find some 16 year old girl to babysit.

 

My older son is here every second weekend and we go out once every second weekend no problem, but I guess that is not enough.

 

What does she do for fun other than taking care of the kids?

 

For nearly 7 years, the only 'fun' was going to a concert perhaps once in 1 or 2 months. Just recently, she started yoga, going to the gym, and meeting with one of our female friends.

 

I think we had perfect conditions for burning out.

[bestadvisor]

She had an emotional affair at her parents house. I wrote about it earlier in the thread. I am not sure if this is going on at the moment

over the internet. It might.

 

I must have missed this part. Could you remind me again what happened? Have you consider using some type of computer spying program to see what she's up to?

 

 

 

My older son is here every second weekend and we go out once every second weekend no problem, but I guess that is not enough.

 

Older son from ... your first marriage?

 

 

Once again, if you ask her out (just you and her), just something casual and nothing extreme, would she say yes? If the answer is "yes" do it and make sure it's soemthing that she would enjoy, such as her favorite type of movie, concert, etc.

[redblack66]

I must have missed this part. Could you remind me again what happened? Have you consider using some type of computer spying program to see what she's up to?

 

They had an exchange student in the summer (8 years younger) when they were at her parents house. She told me he is 'at the same place in her hearth where I am'. I am convinced there is no sex involved. I am also convinced that this flipped our relation.

I know what is going on on our computer. Nothing to worry about at the moment.

Older son from ... your first marriage?

Yes, am I in a mess.

 

Once again, if you ask her out (just you and her), just something casual and nothing extreme, would she say yes? If the answer is "yes" do it and make sure it's soemthing that she would enjoy, such as her favorite type of movie, concert, etc.

 

She says yes no problem. The problem we have is she is frequently tired with the kids and goes to bed quite early. So if she is not tired, no problem.

[bestadvisor]

She says yes no problem. The problem we have is she is frequently tired with the kids and goes to bed quite early. So if she is not tired, no problem.

 

Give her few days in advanced. Am I wrong, or it seems that you're not trying here. You just pray and hope that things will turn around by itself? Start calling co-workers, friends, etc. to see if they have any 16 year old daughter who's willing to babysit and set something up for this week with you W.

[Gunny376]

Time to go back to school!

 

BA's given you some excellent insight and guideance ~ if you notice ~ she's (?) not so much giving you hard solid advice, and she's leading and guiding you. Giving you things to consider, things to take into considerationi.

 

I seem to re-call about the exchange student ~ but now that you've brought it back up? It clarifies things in my mind.

 

I don't think that the wife is so much having an affair, not even an emotional one, let alone a physical one. What I believe has bappened here, is that she made an emotional connection with the exchange student ~ and that got her to thinking "Is this all there is?"

 

When compared to the care free days of your courtship, or back when she was free, single and being pursued (you said she was a "10" ~ which means she got lot of attention) compared to the drugery of cleaning house, picking up after the children, grocery shopping, cooking washing dishes and clothes,..........................

 

She's witholding physical intimacy because you've not be delivering on the emotional intimacy that she needs as a woman and she doesn't believe ethat you can tote the note because you've "lied" to her before (in the sense that before you got married ~ you wined and dined her, rommanced her ~ or whatever it took to get her, and then when you married her ~ came the bills, the children, the laundry, the house-cleanig, the cooking, the mortgage, the carrers, the jobs,.................

 

Its really not your fault ~ I call it a "life-trap" Or to quote I believe it was John Lennon of the "Beatles"

 

"Life is what happens to you when you make other plans!"

 

It really is an age old problem which can be summed up in the phrase of:

 

"Why men don't get enough sex ~ and women don't get enough Love"

 

It really defines a lot of the trouble between men and women in marriage.

 

Dating and romance really isn't enough ~ especially once you've got a proven track record of before getting married of "wine, women, romance, poetry, and song" and after marriage, "Me, the old lady, television and a couple of beers!"

 

What you've got to work on is the intimate~emotional connection the women crave and need. Its not about physical intimancy ~ although it can lead to that ~ its about understanding the emotional needs of your wife? Having that emotional connection with her.

 

Most men thinking touching and kissing, hugging and cuddling = sex! When most women enjoy it ~ indeed need it.

 

You've got to put yourself in a woman's shoes and understand that most any woman can go out and get laid at the drop of a hat. But, there's all kinds of mean "bad-nasty's" that go with that! For a woman ~ as a woman.

 

For starters? There's the "slut" factor? Or as Lady Jane has pointed out ~ you're not just a "piece of meat" I willing to bet my next months check that there's not a woman alive that at sometime or the other hasn't been made to feel like a piece of meat for some man's instant depraved sexual gradification.

 

Women don't discuss the "slut-factor" with men. So most men are un-aware of it.

 

On top of the burden of the day-to-day domestic responsibilities of just day-to-day living? The two of you have gotten caught into "illrecociable differences"

 

A BS term.

 

She's off in BS la~la land thinking your the source of her un-happiness in and with life. You? You're running around saying WTF! I'm doing the best and all I can to hold it tgetherYour wife loves you and if you really got deep down in her soul ~ she's still in love with you. But she's wanting and needing more from you (or someone!) She needing and wanting you to understand her emotional needs as a person, a mother, a wife, a woman.

 

You've got to shed the weakness, the needniness, the NGS ~ "Nice Guy Syndrone"

 

Read ilmw's thread, he did it perfect! He held out hoping for the best ~ but prepared for the worse! All through it ~ he's been there for his wife and the children ~ but resolved to accept the outcome ~ no matter what!

 

Same with PSWX (I refer to him as Perry)

 

In the beginning both their wives told them ~ "That's it! I'm through! I'm done with you!"

 

And, both of them just

 

Were nice, polite, firm, didn't roll over, refused to be a doormat, and just smiled!

 

Me? I think your marriage is salvageable ~ but you need to get back into school ~ read some books, do IC and maybe MC and finally?

 

"Get in, sit down, strap yourself in, grab the handle-bars, shut up! And get ready for the E-ride from Hell!":mad:

 

It may take one or two years for you to come back on here like ilmw and say ~ "Guess what?" :lmao:

[redblack66]

Time to go back to school!

Absolutely!

 

BA's given you some excellent insight and guideance ~ if you notice ~ she's (?) not so much giving you hard solid advice, and she's leading and guiding you. Giving you things to consider, things to take into considerationi.

 

I seem to re-call about the exchange student ~ but now that you've brought it back up? It clarifies things in my mind.

 

I don't think that the wife is so much having an affair, not even an emotional one, let alone a physical one. What I believe has bappened here, is that she made an emotional connection with the exchange student ~ and that got her to thinking "Is this all there is?"

 

I believe this is correct statement.

 

When compared to the care free days of your courtship, or back when she was free, single and being pursued (you said she was a "10" ~ which means she got lot of attention) compared to the drugery of cleaning house, picking up after the children, grocery shopping, cooking washing dishes and clothes,..........................

 

She's witholding physical intimacy because you've not be delivering on the emotional intimacy that she needs as a woman and she doesn't believe ethat you can tote the note because you've "lied" to her before (in the sense that before you got married ~ you wined and dined her, rommanced her ~ or whatever it took to get her, and then when you married her ~ came the bills, the children, the laundry, the house-cleanig, the cooking, the mortgage, the carrers, the jobs,.................

 

Exactly correct. On top of everything, I was frequently depressed, moody, needy, and controlling, and rarely smiling. Sure, not many people want their life with such a person. So, I am trying to get back to the previous guy I was: with interests outside work, exercising, smiling, making jokes, seeing other people and so on.

 

Dating and romance really isn't enough ~ especially once you've got a proven track record of before getting married of "wine, women, romance, poetry, and song" and after marriage, "Me, the old lady, television and a couple of beers!"

 

What you've got to work on is the intimate~emotional connection the women crave and need. Its not about physical intimancy ~ although it can lead to that ~ its about understanding the emotional needs of your wife? Having that emotional connection with her.

 

Exactly correct. I am trying to understand and feel her emotional needs. It is difficult, but working on it. Her father had a birthday couple of days ago and I bought flowers put them in a vase and said,

when she saw them, 'I know that you are missing your father'. This was highly appreciated and I felt I wanted to do that.

 

She's off in BS la~la land thinking your the source of her un-happiness in and with life. You? You're running around saying WTF! I'm doing the best and all I can to hold it tgetherYour wife loves you and if you really got deep down in her soul ~ she's still in love with you. But she's wanting and needing more from you (or someone!) She needing and wanting you to understand her emotional needs as a person, a mother, a wife, a woman.

 

I just can't believe you are so right and up to the point. I made more o r less the same conclusions.

 

You've got to shed the weakness, the needniness, the NGS ~ "Nice Guy Syndrone"

 

All this is gone.

 

Read ilmw's thread, he did it perfect! He held out hoping for the best ~ but prepared for the worse! All through it ~ he's been there for his wife and the children ~ but resolved to accept the outcome ~ no matter what!

 

Started reading it.

 

Me? I think your marriage is salvageable ~ but you need to get back into school ~ read some books, do IC and maybe MC and finally?

 

Doing all of the above.

 

One of my biggest issues is how to be nice, polite, make compliments, and at the same time not be pressuring. Also, how much to withdraw, so she has her space, but also not to be very absent. There is a fine line, which I don't manage to follow all the time.

[redblack66]

Tonight I proposed to my wife that I go away next week from Tuesday to Sunday. She accepted this very gladly; perhaps I am a pain in the house.

 

Then she tells me she is worried about the French connection (I am planning to go to France, and she suspects I have a lover there, BS), then she tells me I am free to do whatever I want with my life.

 

She suggested we move to live in place X, my question was if she woul d live with me; she tells me I cannot require love, and I have to earn it.

 

Confusing.

[Gunny376]

Women while certainly possessing the capactity to be just as logical and rational as men ~ but they are also more emotional beings than men, that is to say that they are much more in touch and in-tune with their emotins which makes them seem more illogicial and illrational than men.

 

They "filter" life through a much more complex and difficult set of leneses. More multi-dimensional. They experience life on much more levels.

 

A very good example of this is Eskimos. Most people only have one word for the word ~ "white" Eskimos have over 26 different words for the word "White"

 

African-Americans have many different words for describing another African-American.

 

My having lived so many years of my adult life in the Far East, I can tell the difference between a Korean, a Chinnesse, and a Japananesse ~ many that have never lived in the Far East cannot do this.

 

My point? You and the wife are seeing the same thing, but from differente perspectives.

 

She tells me I cannot require love, and I have to earn it.

 

After my divorce ~ I decided to quit being a fool, and to go back to school. I started reading, and readning, and reading. This was back before the internet and such sites as LS.

 

And then I went out an applied it! Too well! On one of my posts I've listed a series of the books that I've read ~ sorry, but its late and I'm working "day-on-stay-on" (seven-days a week).

 

You should find it among my previous posts if you key in the words "Light Her Fire" in the LS search engine.

 

"Light Her Fire" is a book by Dr. Ellen Kriedmen. She has a website, and offers the book, and a CD set. I can't link you because the Mod's don't approve of linking to commericl sites. But Google the title and her name and you should find the site.

 

The book is available in paperback. You can get it via Amazon for less than $6. Its a quick read, but its got some powerful stuff. Simple and cheap ideas.

 

What the book does? It gets your creativeiness flowing and then you can apply it to the individual your with.

 

I applied it to my last LTR GF? She was so use to "typical" men and had never meet anyone like me.

 

Simple things, like getting up first in the morning, and going out in the winter cold to warm up her car before she went to work.

 

Buying her a cheap silver engraved pill box for her allergy medicine ~ while I was away in for a couple of months in Central America (Showed that I was thinking of her)

 

Leaving "little surprises" for her to find around the house, in her clothes, in her coat, in her car ~ where they're least to be expected.

 

Leaving for work early, and leaving heart-shaped post-it notes where I knew she would find them as she went about her morning routine. Inside the medicine cabinet, inside her makeup clutch, inside the glove compartment, inside the trunk-boot of her car, inside of her favorite coffee cup, etc.

 

Stopping by the florist on the way home from work, when I knew I had to be to work at "o-dark-thirty" long before she got up, and leaving them crossed on my pillow, with a simple post it note that said, "Roses are red, violets are blue ~ I'm at work? But I'm thinking of YOU!"

 

Then later on the seat of her car.

 

One of the biggest things that I got from the book was to be creative! Innovative. To think about her as an individual. Her individual wants and needs.

 

Our first Valentines together, I went to the florist. There were all these men in there ordering the "standard issue" dozen red roses.

 

As I was standing there, I thought to myself ~ you've got to be creative!

 

I'm looking around the room and I "spied" this wicker basket with a heart-shaped handle. Then I saw these "blinking" hear shaped "XMAS" like lights. Then I saw a little white teddy bear with a red heart on its chest.

 

When it came time to place my order, I told the clerk:

 

I want that basket over there filled with "Angles Breath" with the handle emtwined with those blinking heart-shaped lights, with that teddy bear over there holding a heart-shaped ballon that says "I love you!" in one hand and a single rose in the other!"

 

For six months? I could do no wrong! I could say nothing wrong!

 

I had it delivered to her work. All of her co-workers (All women) were jealous and envious and complained that all they got were a dozen roses!

 

Your wife doesn't want a divorce ~ she doesn't want to seperate! She wants and needs you to "kick it up a notch!"

 

BTW! She wants to be "needed" ~ "desired" ~ "appreciated" ~ "wanted"

 

Dr. Kriedmen also offers a book and CD for women called "Light His Fire"

 

And?

 

"How To Light Our Fire When The Kids Are Driving Us Crazy!"

 

The two of you are out of synch ~ Lady Jane and her DH themselves went through it! ilmw and Perry went through it! All of us have gone thorugh it! Some make it? Most don't!

 

FIVE words!

 

PATIENCE!

 

TIME

 

UN-CONDITONAL LOVE!

 

BALANCE!

[redblack66]

Women while certainly possessing the capactity to be just as logical and rational as men ~ but they are also more emotional beings than men, that is to say that they are much more in touch and in-tune with their emotins which makes them seem more illogicial and illrational than men.

 

They "filter" life through a much more complex and difficult set of leneses. More multi-dimensional. They experience life on much more levels.

 

I really appreciate your insights.

 

My point? You and the wife are seeing the same thing, but from differente perspectives.

Absolutely correct.

 

After my divorce ~ I decided to quit being a fool, and to go back to school. I started reading, and readning, and reading. This was back before the internet and such sites as LS.

I am reading, thinking, reading, thinking...

 

"Light Her Fire" is a book by Dr. Ellen Kriedmen.

Many thanks. I am getting the audio.

 

What the book does? It gets your creativeiness flowing and then you can apply it to the individual your with.

 

When I got my wife: I was in a wrestling club, doing ballroom dancing, and going to a riffle club.

I was happy, content, with friends, and a lot of cultural life. I swept her off her feet by being very nice and unpredictable. And at the time, I was stopped smoking. All this has been GONE for years.

 

Now I am going boxing, cultural life is coming up,

and stopped smoking a few days ago (I started heavily after the break up). She finds it VERY unattractive.

 

This morning I left a small flower in her bathroom cabinet.

 

I applied it to my last LTR GF? She was so use to "typical" men and had never meet anyone like me.

 

Simple things, like getting up first in the morning, and going out in the winter cold to warm up her car before she went to work.

 

Buying her a cheap silver engraved pill box for her allergy medicine ~ while I was away in for a couple of months in Central America (Showed that I was thinking of her)

 

Leaving "little surprises" for her to find around the house, in her clothes, in her coat, in her car ~ where they're least to be expected.

 

Leaving for work early, and leaving heart-shaped post-it notes where I knew she would find them as she went about her morning routine. Inside the medicine cabinet, inside her makeup clutch, inside the glove compartment, inside the trunk-boot of her car, inside of her favorite coffee cup, etc.

 

Stopping by the florist on the way home from work, when I knew I had to be to work at "o-dark-thirty" long before she got up, and leaving them crossed on my pillow, with a simple post it note that said, "Roses are red, violets are blue ~ I'm at work? But I'm thinking of YOU!"

 

Then later on the seat of her car.

 

One of the biggest things that I got from the book was to be creative! Innovative. To think about her as an individual. Her individual wants and needs.

 

Our first Valentines together, I went to the florist. There were all these men in there ordering the "standard issue" dozen red roses.

 

As I was standing there, I thought to myself ~ you've got to be creative!

 

I'm looking around the room and I "spied" this wicker basket with a heart-shaped handle. Then I saw these "blinking" hear shaped "XMAS" like lights. Then I saw a little white teddy bear with a red heart on its chest.

 

When it came time to place my order, I told the clerk:

 

I want that basket over there filled with "Angles Breath" with the handle emtwined with those blinking heart-shaped lights, with that teddy bear over there holding a heart-shaped ballon that says "I love you!" in one hand and a single rose in the other!"

 

For six months? I could do no wrong! I could say nothing wrong!

 

I needed your posting. More or less I was creative of the same sort. Then I settled in everyday routines.

I hope it is not too late to get back to the "good old days".

 

Now my question: you being so nice, was there any danger of a woman thinking you are too good, too easy, or too weak. Can she lose respect by being like that. I guess, if she does, than you should not be with her in the first place.

 

 

 

BTW! She wants to be "needed" ~ "desired" ~ "appreciated" ~ "wanted"

 

This is what I feel too. I think she lost a lot of her confidence and there is certainly insecurity.

[Gunny376]

Now my question: you being so nice, was there any danger of a woman thinking you are too good, too easy, or too weak. Can she lose respect by being like that. I guess, if she does, than you should not be with her in the first place.

 

 

Zero chance of that, because.....................................

 

I'm ready "to get to steppin'" out the door at the first provocation from a woman. That and I call women on their little "mind-games". Many women are constantly "testing" the men their with ~ it comes froms their own insecurties as individual persons (The old, "Does this dress make me look fat?"). I understand that ~ and I'll play along to an extent.

 

Women know that I've got something to offer that is rare and hard to find ~ me putting them first before others and my intersts more times than not.

 

But, again its acheiving and maintaing balance.

 

The one that cares the least? Controls the relationship. That would be me. I don't fear being single and alone ~ indeed I'm quite comfortable with it. And I'm comfortable with being in a long term committed relationship wth the right woman. I can take it or leave it ~ either way.

 

I don't want nor need a woman nor a relationship to complete me ~ but the right woman? She can complement me ~ like sugar and cream, or salt and pepper!

 

I rather be single and alone than married and miserable!

 

And I'm quite comfortable with idea of being single and alone for the rest of my life. If the right gal came along? GREAT! If not? GREAT!

 

A woman leaves me? Her loss, my gain! All it means when a woman dumps you (or for women when a man dumps you) is that you've got to go out and find yourself someone(s) new! Damn the bad luck!

 

I've got to say though? I've not got time to waste on flakey-ass women. To perk my interst a woman would have to be a strong-minded, independent type like many of the ladies here on LS like Melevator, Lady Jane, MizzPixie, DropDeadLegs and others. Women who mean what they say, and say what they mean.

 

If I were you? I'd get back to being the "best" of who I was back in the day combined with the "best" of whom I am in the present. I wouldn't be pursuing her nor the relationship, nor trying "save the marriage" because in the end? The best that you can do ~ is only the best that you can do! And, the one and only single dynamic of the equation that you can really change is ~ YOU!

 

And if that's not good enough for her? Then she's not good enough for YOU!

 

One thing for sure and certain about me? You can bet that this old boy isn't going to stand around begging some woman to stay with me, be with me, to love me, and sure as Hell? I'm not going to beg some woman to let me love her!

 

Some gal wants to leave me?

 

See Ya! Wouldn't want to be ya! Have a nice forever the rest of your life without me! :laugh:

 

Women (and for women ~ men) are a dime a dozen ~ and three dozen for a quarter! You're the one that holds the keys to your freedom from this misery! You're the one that has the control. You're the one that the larger part of the problem and questions ~ not her. To find the answers you seek? You but need to look within?

 

Its as Lady Jane has said on numerous occassions, a significant reason she's still married after 25 years? (Aside from her un-common perspective, emotional intellegence, etc) is that she knows her husband doesn't play, and he knows she doesn't "play" So they're serious about keeping it for real!

[Missy27]

Its as Lady Jane has said on numerous occassions, a significant reason she's still married after 25 years? (Aside from her un-common perspective, emotional intellegence, etc) is that she knows her husband doesn't play, and he knows she doesn't "play" So they're serious about keeping it for real!

 

TRUE ~

 

I got past all that mediocre mind game playin crap when I was in my first LTR ~ My Ex ? ~ He started mind games with me ~ trying to control I think ~ He only did it once ~ I clocked him straight away and he didn't like it ~ he KNEW I was mentally stronger than him ~ he KNEW I wouldn't stand for BS like that from him ~ SO ~ ~ he threw me down the stairs, broke my Jaw and splatted my nose accross my face instead ~ ~ He only did THAT once too ~ ~ He met my brother very promptly after who tought him a thing or two about Pain Associated Learning _ (Brothers a Royal Marine by the way Gunz!!) ~ PLUS ~ I got my nose re-shaped on EX's money ~ TWAT ~ )

 

My honey now ~ ? ~ we dont play like that ~ we're on a level ~ on the same page ~ and we play team work ~ not mean work ~ ! ~ We lock horns sometimes ~ and I appreciate it cause he wins sometimes ~ I NEED someone like that ~ ~ I can be forthright and quite forceful at times (not controlling) ~ just ~~ a bit stubborn I suppose ~ !! ~ So I APPRECIATE it when he knocks me off my pedastool on occasions. But we RESPECT eachother ~ and it works ~

 

My point ~ ?? ~ You need to become the man that your W's been missing RB ~ you need to take a deep look within and work out where you've been for the last X many years ~ you've gotta put your big boy pants on, raise your game and bring your cards to the table ~ your wife WANTS you RB ~ She NEEDS you ~ but she's forgotten who you are ~ just as YOU have forgotten who you are ~ she's hanging on for dear life because she loves you ~ she knows she loves you and she's waiting for you to open your God Damn eyes and show her what you can do ~ she's waiting for you RB.

 

Definitely do some reading ~ I know it's an oldie but Men Are From Mars, Women are from Venus is a good read ~ pretty basic, but the concepts are there ~ but mainly ~ you need to step up to the plate and become the man that you KNOW your wife loves ~ she misses you to death and wants you back and its up to YOU as the man in this relationship to give her what she wants in terms of emotional security ~

[redblack66]

[...]

I've got to say though? I've not got time to waste on flakey-ass women. To perk my interst a woman would have to be a strong-minded, independent type like many of the ladies here on LS like Melevator, Lady Jane, MizzPixie, DropDeadLegs and others. Women who mean what they say, and say what they mean.

I have this woman, but she is like a little princess now.

 

If I were you? I'd get back to being the "best" of who I was back in the day combined with the "best" of whom I am in the present. I wouldn't be pursuing her nor the relationship, nor trying "save the marriage" because in the end? The best that you can do ~ is only the best that you can do! And, the one and only single dynamic of the equation that you can really change is ~ YOU!

So trrue. This is what I am trying to do, but it is tough.

 

And if that's not good enough for her? Then she's not good enough for YOU!

Yes!!!

 

Women (and for women ~ men) are a dime a dozen ~ and three

Its as Lady Jane has said on numerous occassions, a significant reason she's still married after 25 years? (Aside from her un-common perspective, emotional intellegence, etc) is that she knows her husband doesn't play, and he knows she doesn't "play" So they're serious about keeping it for real!

 

The reason I got so involved is that we are not playing. However, the situation is that she is playing, perhaps unconsciously. I am not playing, but trying to apply whatever may work. At the end, I should be just myself, and I feel then things will work out themselves.

[redblack66]

TRUE ~

 

[...]

My point ~ ?? ~ You need to become the man that your W's been missing RB ~ you need to take a deep look within and work out where you've been for the last X many years ~ you've gotta put your big boy pants on, raise your game and bring your cards to the table ~ your wife WANTS you RB ~ She NEEDS you ~ but she's forgotten who you are ~ just as YOU have forgotten who you are ~ she's hanging on for dear life because she loves you ~ she knows she loves you and she's waiting for you to open your God Damn eyes and show her what you can do ~ she's waiting for you RB.

 

Again, I can't believe somebody can give such a good evaluation without knowing many details. All is true.

 

Definitely do some reading ~ I know it's an oldie but Men Are From Mars, Women are from Venus is a good read ~ pretty basic, but the concepts are there ~ but mainly ~ you need to step up to the plate and become the man that you KNOW your wife loves ~ she misses you to death and wants you back and its up to YOU as the man in this relationship to give her what she wants in terms of emotional security ~

 

 

Well, I am very heavy into reading and discovering. The nature of my work is teaching and research, so I can really get deep into the bottom of things.

 

Thanks again; very helpful.

[redblack66]

Friends, your posting have really guided me through this mess.

 

Here is a brief update.

 

We had our session today. It went very well, in my opinion. My wife wanted to discuss separation of assets, but she never got to this point.

 

The marriage counselor recognized a very difficult situation. Me wanting to save the marriage, she wanting to move on. He asked her if she has moved on emotionally. My wife could not give an answer.

She said although that this is a transition period from which we should move on.

 

He tried to figure out if feelings and passion are left inside her. Again, she did not give an answer, but my senses told me that they are there.

 

My wife said she is afraid of me. I have no idea why, as no violence has ever occurred.

She does not trust me. That's OK at the moment. I don't know why she does not trust me. I told her that her not trusting me has to do not only with me, but with her as well.

 

She said that I am making her feel guilty by working on the marriage and her not working. I said that I am working on fixing myself and things will fall into places as this process goes on.

 

I told her last week that it is time to switch places: she sleeps in the basement and I sleep in the bedroom. She says that I am flipping from being nice to irrational and demanding. Well, I am waiting for

"Love must be tough" to arrive.

 

So one of my problems is PATIENCE. She very much liked the idea that I disappear next week, so I am going to France. I am thinking to give her a contact phone number, but not to call. I expect her to say "You don't care about the kids so you did not call."

Any advise on calling/not calling?

[Gunny376]

She's confused, she doesn't know what she wants. A good woman friend of mine expliained is as "Men cannot fathom what women because most women don't know what they want from one minute to the next ~ and that's subject to change."

 

Again? Its not that women do not posses the capacity to be just as rational and logical as men ~ but they're more in-tune with their emotional system more that your "typical male"

 

It would seem to me? That she's deflecting herself back onto you. She knows she's being illrational ~ so she accusses you of it.

 

The problem with pointing fingers at someone is that you've got three pointing back at yourself. And, so with that in mind? Keep in mind for everything that she accusses you of, she's got at a minimum of three things she's dealing with internally that she knows she's guilty of ~ i.e. not working on the marriage, guilt for not doing so, etc.

 

She's in a "fog-state" of mind ~ and so you really can't go by what comes out of her mouth ~ watch her actions ~ they will speak volumes. Besides? You'll drive yourself nuts trying to analysie everything she says. Its a fruitless pursuit! She's speaking "double-talk" right now.

 

A lot of women will push you away when they want you to do the oppossite. Its a pyschological issue.

 

The time for two people to get divorced? Is when there absolutely no emotions on eitherside. No hate, no anger, nothing. No issues. The two of you? Aren't there yet.

 

IMHO? You and she are at a crossroads as a couple. Every couple must and will come to this crossroad. Its one of many that you will come to in Life.

 

Most don't make it, but some do.

 

Me? I've been where your at. It wasn't pretty ~ and it sure as Hell wasn't fun! Its been seventeen years since my marriage fell apart, and to this very day I wake up with the realization, new knowledge, new understanding ~ each and every single day as to why it fell apart and didn't work.

 

I hope you're reading ilmw's thread. I know its long, it took over a year and half to write ~ but there's lots of good information there.

 

This thing isn't going to solve itself over-night. Its been years in the making, and it may take years to get "this horse and buggy" out of the ditch and back on the road again. And, we're talking perhaps years here.

 

I know of a couple that fought like cats and dogs while they were married ~ got divorced ~ were divorced for ten danm years! Got back together ~ been happily married for twenty years!

 

Its like Steve told Hellen ~ "Hell! There's just no way of telling!"

 

ilmw's wife told him over and over in word, action and deed ~ "Its over! between you and I!"

 

A year and half later she called him up and wanted to "talk"

 

Sometimes? You've got to lose something precious before you see the value of what you had? The whole "casting your perals before swine" thing.

 

You come across to me as someone who in between here and there? Lost yourself? Your idenity as an individual, as a person, as a man. The happy-go-lucky guy that you were?

 

You've got to get back to the basics and fundamentals of being you! And who you are and were! YOU need to work on being the best person that you can be, and the best Father that you can be, and the best man that you can be, and the best Husband that you can be! And, that's really all you can do?!

 

And if that's not good enough for her happy azz? Then she's not the right one for you? All you can do is do and be the best that you can be? That's all you can do!

 

And IMHO? A lot of this doesn't have to do with you? It has to do with the DW's own insecurities about herself, about getting older, etc. And she's afraid to comfront those "realities" and "truths" about Life ~ and so she's projecting them onto you! Why?

 

Because her happy-azz can't DEAL WITH IT!

 

For real? I don't think your the problem? I think the problem is the DW? And she's driving you nuts into beliveing that the reason she's un-happy is because of you! BS!

 

Your in academics and research, right? I work in a lab.

 

You know and I know, that if your not careful? Your happy-azz will end up in a rabbit hole of confusssion ~ damn quick, fast, and in a hurry like!

 

Comfort ~ begets compalency ~ begets a lack of inepitude ~ begets a lack of attention to detail!

 

In Life? Its not the big things that get most people ~ its the "little" things! Second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year!

 

Hang tough!

 

Phone calls?

 

Yes you should be on the phone talking to your children everyday!

 

 

Take a fool's advice on that one!

[redblack66]

Wife was just on the phone with her emotional affair. They have been e-mailing. I feel bad.

I asked her that I should call him and tell him to stay away. She says this is invasion of privacy.

HELP! What to do?

[Macca96]

Redblack my friend, i am about to face a similar situation. She wants a seperation but we are under the same roof still. she has said she is going to look for a flat to rent soon but im afraid she will not miss me much and she may feel better off without me. i dont want to lose her.

 

For more info i have posted a thread in this section.

[jmargel]

Wife was just on the phone with her emotional affair. They have been e-mailing. I feel bad.

I asked her that I should call him and tell him to stay away. She says this is invasion of privacy.

HELP! What to do?

 

Kick her damn ass out of the house! Don't goto France, and make sure the kids stay with you. She continues to CHEAT! That is why she doesn't want to work on the marriage. Funny how right after MC she goes runing to him. He will tell her eveyrthing she wants to hear. So let her self-destruct.

 

I told you before to use tough love, USE IT NOW. You keep tolerating her bull**** and she will continue to believe she is the victim. Not until she realizes what she is doing is wrong will things start to change. However as long as this OM is in the picture good chance that things will stay the same between you and her.

 

Contact your attorney and tell her things are now over. You refuse to be treated like this any longer. Pull that damn safety net away already!