separated in the same house; would wife come around

[redblack66]

It sounds like she's projecting. Constantly asking about your phone calls and your activities with other woman sounds to me like she's trying to assuage a guilty conscience. Oh, it could be jealousy, but do you have any idea what she does at home all day whilst you're at work?

 

 

I am absolutely sure that she has not been involved, and it is not at the moment, with anybody else. She looks after our daughter full time, we have not even had a babysitter all these years.

[redblack66]

Man does she have you whipped! You are paying ALL the bills and yet you are the one living in the basement?

 

WAKE UP! She tells you she doesn't want to be in this marriage and yet you are tolerating her behavior towards you. All this over a few comments that happened in the past?

 

Next time she says 'The marriage is over'. Just say 'That's ok, I am moving on anyway. I hope you can get your stuff together so you can move to your parent's farm'. When she quizzes you on who you are calling or what you are doing, tell her that it's really none of her business and that you are moving on with your life without her. When she starts to quiz more, just ignore her.

 

It's time to pull this safety net from her and to stop allowing her to act like a teenager. Tell her, her threats of divorcing no longer bother you and that you are ready to close this chapter. How long are you going to put up with her crap?

 

If she has no where to go, tell her she has a month but that her ass is going in the basement. Read the book 'Love must be tough', it's time that you stop rolling over and piddling.

 

 

Yes, you are right too. I am paying ALL the bills, and I have been doing this for years, and I am in the basement. Normally, I would just move on, but I love her and we have two beautiful kids.

So, I will be taking the crap until it is clear that saving the marriage is absolutely hopeless. Chances are slim now, but there is a hope.

When I convince myself it is indeed hopeless, I will move on, and

no turning back.

[jmargel]

You are missing the point. If you want to work on the marriage fine, however taking her crap is not part of the deal. If she doesn't want this marriage to work then get her ass out of there NOW.

 

Otherwise you will be dragged through the mud, and while during this time of her waffling she will slowly grow to detach from you and find someone else. If you make her 'face the music' now, not only does it prevent you from being dragged thru the mud it makes her face the realization of it all.

 

How long has this being going on? What incentives or consequences is she facing to finally make a decision?

 

Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

 

Don't wait around for her to make decisions because she is not going to. Right now she is all talk. You need to start making them. Women love confidence, it's time to show it.

[redblack66]

You are missing the point. If you want to work on the marriage fine, however taking her crap is not part of the deal. If she doesn't want this marriage to work then get her ass out of there NOW.

 

Otherwise you will be dragged through the mud, and while during this time of her waffling she will slowly grow to detach from you and find someone else. If you make her 'face the music' now, not only does it prevent you from being dragged thru the mud it makes her face the realization of it all.

 

How long has this being going on? What incentives or consequences is she facing to finally make a decision?

 

Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

 

Don't wait around for her to make decisions because she is not going to. Right now she is all talk. You need to start making them. Women love confidence, it's time to show it.

 

Yes, I may be missing the point.

The problem is she will not leave the house, and I will not. Simply, it will be very difficult to support two households at the moment.

If we physically separate there are two options.

1) She goes with the kids to live with her parents, 2,000 miles way, which is 4 hour plane + 4 hour drive + time at airports. She would not have much income there.

 

2) We live not far from each other. She will have spousal support for a while, but then she has to face really tough reality: working with two kids (assuming sole custody).

 

She would very much like to do 1), but we have a court order that she cannot. 2) will be a very tough one for her, and I do not see how she would manage.

 

This has been going on for about two months. I give it time to the middle of December to see where things are really going. My hopes are likely unrealistic, but who knows. This is my second marriage, and I am quite aware of the consequences for kids and both of us.

[redblack66]

Here is an update. Wife is mad because I don't allow her to take the kids to her parents for Christmas and the rest of the holidays. She took them last year, and it is fair that they spend these holidays with daddy and mommy.

She blames me that I am the same old person because I am opposing to what she wants to do, but I think I should stand up for what I believe is right, even if this damages further our relation. Right???

 

This morning I did not pay much attention to her. She called me to meet for coffee later in the morning. We met, but then I started thinking if I shouldn't have made myself available.

I told her I am glad that we are such good friends.

 

Uh, getting tired of this "little" psychology.

[redblack66]

It's been 2 months since our separation, and still optimistic about reversing the situation. I have such great difficulties detaching mentally from my wife (I still consider her my wife), and I think most of the time about her.

I went to a party last night, just to have fun and see if I am still "marketable", after 11 years of no dating other people. For my surprise, I am, and I feel better about myself. Surely, she wanted to know the details of my evening, but I just said that

it was a bit wild.

 

I notice that she is taking much more care of herself than ever before. I am sure there is nobody else,

and I am really wondering if she tries to look good for me. This morning she had a lipstick, which is very unusual. (She used to put a lipstick 2-3 times a month, and she is very much into the natural, down-to- earth stuff).

Does anybody have positive experience when the other separated partner starts caring for herself/himself. I certainly started, and I see the opposite reaction.

On top of everything, she is talking about putting new floor in the kitchen (in addition to everyday talks about separating), and I do not know what in the world to do. If things work out, I would pay for it; otherwise I would not. Since this is one of the things that is now important to her, maybe I should go ahead and facilitate it. Sad life, and it is so difficult to get emotionally over this situation.

[jmargel]

You can't buy her to stay by purchasing flooring for her. You continue to do the same old, same old so the result is going to be the same.

 

Problem is, the longer this continues the worse it's going to get. You still want to get with your wife but you are telling her you went to a wild party? The reverse psychology doesn't work, I think she is a little brighter than that.

 

Start going to a counselor and invite her. As for the children don't use them as a bargaining chip. You two need to COMPROMISE.

 

Quit worrying about the stupid, little stuff such as she puts on lipstick more than usual. You are looking for signs that are not there. There is no particular reason to do that except to make herself presentable to the public.

 

Until you dwell deep and work at removing this root, this weed is going to continue to grow.

[Kenyth]

Time for the wake up call!

 

You CANNOT be seperated and living together. She's milking you, and you need to cut her off. I'm guessing she's seeing someone else, maybe back home at the parents house. Give her a date to move out. Otherwise, you move out and quit paying the bills. Get a lawyer and make sure to go for primary custody of the kids. That'll get her attention! Get some self-respect man! Take a little control!

 

If she don't like it, then she starts acting like she want's a marriage. This halfway crapola will do nothing but destroy any chance you have at reconciliation as well as destroy your self-esteem. She has absolutely NO incentive to make things work out. If you lay on the ground for her, you don't have to be surprised when you're treated like a doormat!

 

Sleeping in the basement of a home you're paying for! Tch! If I were you, I'd lay my butt on the king size every night and if she didn't like it, she could go pitch a tent somewhere!

[Kenyth]

Yes, I may be missing the point.

The problem is she will not leave the house, and I will not. Simply, it will be very difficult to support two households at the moment.

If we physically separate there are two options.

1) She goes with the kids to live with her parents, 2,000 miles way, which is 4 hour plane + 4 hour drive + time at airports. She would not have much income there.

 

2) We live not far from each other. She will have spousal support for a while, but then she has to face really tough reality: working with two kids (assuming sole custody).

 

She would very much like to do 1), but we have a court order that she cannot. 2) will be a very tough one for her, and I do not see how she would manage.

 

This has been going on for about two months. I give it time to the middle of December to see where things are really going. My hopes are likely unrealistic, but who knows. This is my second marriage, and I am quite aware of the consequences for kids and both of us.

 

Sorry man, but if she wants to leave you, that's tough cookies for her! This is a perfect time for her to start entering the job market anyway. Talk to a lawyer and get cracking on the finer details of this. One sure way for YOU to afford a new residence is to move out, start child support payments, and quit paying the bills. If they decide you get the kids, she can hit the road to her parents house and start making child support payments to you.

[redblack66]

Time for the wake up call!

 

You CANNOT be seperated and living together. She's milking you, and you need to cut her off. I'm guessing she's seeing someone else, maybe back home at the parents house. Give her a date to move out. Otherwise, you move out and quit paying the bills. Get a lawyer and make sure to go for primary custody of the kids. That'll get her attention! Get some self-respect man! Take a little control!

 

If she don't like it, then she starts acting like she want's a marriage. This halfway crapola will do nothing but destroy any chance you have at reconciliation as well as destroy your self-esteem. She has absolutely NO incentive to make things work out. If you lay on the ground for her, you don't have to be surprised when you're treated like a doormat!

 

Sleeping in the basement of a home you're paying for! Tch! If I were you, I'd lay my butt on the king size every night and if she didn't like it, she could go pitch a tent somewhere!

 

All is a good advice. I really appreciate it. We have a court date in the middle of December, and if things don't go well by then, I will go for a complete asset separation and pay only what I am required by the court.

 

Yes, I did allow myself to be too accommodating. I cannot get her out of the house, and she cannot get me out. Full custody will be a big challenge, even shared custody is not feasible, as our younger child still breastfeeds (at the age of 2.5).

We have a court order that I am not supposed to be in the master bedroom.

 

The very sad part is, I came to this country with two suitcases, worked so hard to create really a lot, and now, bang!

[dgiirl]

The very sad part is, I came to this country with two suitcases, worked so hard to create really a lot, and now, bang!

 

Please do not feel despair! I do hope you are able to reconcile with your wife, but if that is not possible, please do not feel like your life and your hard work is all gone. I felt the same way when I separated from my exh. But in time, and effort, I have a much happier life now than I ever had in my entire life. I try to focus on the positives of my life than the loses. My life completely changed. All the things I had dreamed of having at the time, went away. But in place of those dreams, I have brand new ones. The divorce was not something I would have actively chose, but sometimes life points you in a direction that is better for you, even if you cannot see it.

[Ladyjane14]

Please do not feel despair! I do hope you are able to reconcile with your wife, but if that is not possible, please do not feel like your life and your hard work is all gone. I felt the same way when I separated from my exh. But in time, and effort, I have a much happier life now than I ever had in my entire life. I try to focus on the positives of my life than the loses. My life completely changed. All the things I had dreamed of having at the time, went away. But in place of those dreams, I have brand new ones. The divorce was not something I would have actively chose, but sometimes life points you in a direction that is better for you, even if you cannot see it.

 

Beautiful post, Dgiirl....

[redblack66]

Beautiful post, Dgiirl....

 

Yes, indeed a great post. Thank yo so much.

[redblack66]

I keep posting... Your replies really help me to survive day by day...

 

Well, I am certain this is true: my wife would like separation of assets, but no divorce whatsoever. She believes we will manage much better if we do not live together, but still be a family somehow. O-h-h-h, confusion big time. I feel she would come to reality very quickly if I just put an application for divorce, but I do not want to do this.

 

I just realized that our court order says that we shall live in different parts of the house, and does not say that I should be in the basement.

I told her that it is time to switch places: me in the bedroom, her in the basement. In a few days I am just going to sleep in the master bedroom, and I don't care what happens.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I keep posting... Your replies really help me to survive day by day...

 

Well, I am certain this is true: my wife would like separation of assets, but no divorce whatsoever. She believes we will manage much better if we do not live together, but still be a family somehow. O-h-h-h, confusion big time. I feel she would come to reality very quickly if I just put an application for divorce, but I do not want to do this.

 

I just realized that our court order says that we shall live in different parts of the house, and does not say that I should be in the basement.

I told her that it is time to switch places: me in the bedroom, her in the basement. In a few days I am just going to sleep in the master bedroom, and I don't care what happens.

 

So can you date other people while seperated??? This doesnt make any sense she wants a seperation but not a divorce. Most times when you seperation that is a precusor before divorce. If she wants a seperation give her the real deal!!!???!!!

[redblack66]

So can you date other people while seperated??? This doesnt make any sense she wants a seperation but not a divorce. Most times when you seperation that is a precusor before divorce. If she wants a seperation give her the real deal!!!???!!!

 

Yes, wanting separation but not a divorce is strange, the least. I am totally puzzled, and can't get a straight answer, perhaps she does not have them herself.

 

About dating: difficult one. In my previous postings I say that she is very curious (jealous?) when my phone rings. Nobody is dating yet,

but as much as I want to save the marriage, for my sanity, I may have to meet other females, not necessarily dating.

 

Well, there have been years of neglect on my side (not everything my fault); now I am much better toward family life and her. I notice her self esteem, mood, and confidence are improving. Hope this is a good relationship sign, but who knows...

[redblack66]

Well, today I hit another very, very low.

 

My (separated) wife again talked to me that she does not have the same feelings for me and she will never have them again.

Does anybody have experience reversing such a situation?

 

And again she was talking about splitting physically and she buying me out of the house. I told her to prepare an asset division plan for me to consider, and I will consider it. I told her "If you are so serious about ending everything, why don't you get your act together, find a job, find a place and move out". The answer was "This is the kids house too." What can I say, she is right for herself.

 

On my request for a divorce she is saying why not wait until August next year so we get uncontested divorce. I said if we are splitting, better to do all at once, at which the response was that I am again a person of extremes and I should take things easy.

I also told her that if we divorce and her feelings resurrect, I would marry her again, 100%.

 

She tells me that she is always on the edge when I am in the house. On the weekend I tried to kiss her on the chick 2-3 times, which I know is a big NO. Am I correct.

 

Tonight I went for a walk and asked her if she misses my company. She says I am putting her on the spot. I said to answer me negatively, but she says it is better with somebody in the house than lonely.

So the dilema: when I am around her is not a good experience for her, but when I am not, she misses my company. What TO DO???

 

So, at this stage I really don't know if anything will help with this marriage. She wants to talk at the MC about the house and where the

kids should be for this Christmas.

 

I am even wondering if I have lost my sense of reality if I am putting up with all this.

 

It seems that the only option I have is to try not to care what happens anymore and work hard to be indeed separated in my mind. This is very difficult when I have feelings, but nothing else has helped.

 

Please HELP with any ideas/suggestions you may have. Should I just try withdraw?

[bestadvisor]

Have you thought about moving out for a couple of days, say 3 to 7 days and NO contact with her whatsoever to see if she misses you? Maybe it will wake her up or maybe it will confirm that she really want you out. Either way, it will bring some type of resolution.

 

Are you sure she doesn't have a back up man that you don't know about?

[redblack66]

Have you thought about moving out for a couple of days, say 3 to 7 days and NO contact with her whatsoever to see if she misses you? Maybe it will wake her up or maybe it will confirm that she really want you out. Either way, it will bring some type of resolution.

 

Are you sure she doesn't have a back up man that you don't know about?

 

I went away for two days, and she really liked the idea, and confirmed that she wanted this break. When I came back, she told me that my going away was for myself and I did not really think about her. Sure she called me during that time.

I am sure there is no back up man.

If I go away for a week, she will be overwhelmed with the kids and angry when I come back.

[Gunny376]

RB?

 

There are a lot of "tools" that you can use in all of this, the problem? Finding the right one?

 

I can't even tell you to give us more information?

 

From what I've read? I don't think your wife wants a divroce, nor even a seperation ~ forget the "fog-talk"

 

I think the two of you have gotten caught up in trying to live the "American Dream" of being married, having children, buying a house, having this or that car, and this or that gaget and all the bills that go with that.

 

I think the wife still wants that? But? The day-to-day reality isn't reconciling with the fantasy?

 

In short? She wants her cake and eat it to! She wants the chldren, the house, etc + what you had when you were dating! Back before the two of you got caught up in the "rat-race" of life ~ back before the "Storms of Life" came rolling over you! Back before the Helter-Skelter came along.

 

In going from "A" to "Z" you skipped past all the rest of the alphabet.

 

What it took to get her? Is what it takes to keep her! You've got to "date your mate!"

 

She married you thinking: "The way things are going with us dating is the way it will always be when we're married!" And then the reality of day-to-day living set in.

 

Now? She's PO because that fantasy didn't materialize into reality! She's confussed! And then she's not! She's got a real pretty picture in her head as to what she wants and needs as a woman ~ and you're not delivering the goods!

 

 

And now ~ you're confussed!

 

You need to cancel the court dates, postpone the divorce, pull back and re-group!

 

Quit trying to be lovers! Quit fighting over who gets to wear the "big-boy/girl" britches ~ and work on being FRIENDS again!

 

If were me? I'd tell her Happy-azz!

 

You're not going anywhere, I'm not going anywhere until you and I are back to being buddies, friends, good friends, best of friends each others best friends!

 

AND FRIENDS ~ DON'T TREAT EACH OTHER THE WAY YOU TWO ARE TREATING EACH OTHER!

 

Quit trying to be "Lovers" ~ work on being "FRIENDS"

[redblack66]

RB?

 

There are a lot of "tools" that you can use in all of this, the problem? Finding the right one?

 

I can't even tell you to give us more information?

 

From what I've read? I don't think your wife wants a divroce, nor even a seperation ~ forget the "fog-talk"

 

I think the two of you have gotten caught up in trying to live the "American Dream" of being married, having children, buying a house, having this or that car, and this or that gaget and all the bills that go with that.

 

I think the wife still wants that? But? The day-to-day reality isn't reconciling with the fantasy?

 

In short? She wants her cake and eat it to! She wants the chldren, the house, etc + what you had when you were dating! Back before the two of you got caught up in the "rat-race" of life ~ back before the "Storms of Life" came rolling over you! Back before the Helter-Skelter came along.

 

In going from "A" to "Z" you skipped past all the rest of the alphabet.

 

What it took to get her? Is what it takes to keep her! You've got to "date your mate!"

 

She married you thinking: "The way things are going with us dating is the way it will always be when we're married!" And then the reality of day-to-day living set in.

 

Now? She's PO because that fantasy didn't materialize into reality! She's confussed! And then she's not! She's got a real pretty picture in her head as to what she wants and needs as a woman ~ and you're not delivering the goods!

 

 

And now ~ you're confussed!

 

You need to cancel the court dates, postpone the divorce, pull back and re-group!

 

Quit trying to be lovers! Quit fighting over who gets to wear the "big-boy/girl" britches ~ and work on being FRIENDS again!

 

If were me? I'd tell her Happy-azz!

 

You're not going anywhere, I'm not going anywhere until you and I are back to being buddies, friends, good friends, best of friends each others best friends!

 

AND FRIENDS ~ DON'T TREAT EACH OTHER THE WAY YOU TWO ARE TREATING EACH OTHER!

 

Quit trying to be "Lovers" ~ work on being "FRIENDS"

 

Thank you so much for your reply. I do not believe she really wants a complete separation, let alone divorce. I notice that she comes to these talks after being frustrated over something. Yesterday we had a misunderstanding who was going to pick up our son, and the result was a disaster for her. Then the usual "me moving out and no feelings talk" followed.

 

Yes, reality came big time. She has been at home with the kids for nearly 7 years, and nobody (e.g. grandparents) to help. We did not date, mutual fault, and I neglected things big time. No I am trying to make it up, but it is too late from what I hear from her. I am not giving up.

 

This morning she was pretty nice an reasonable. I had the wrong shoes on my daughter and she did not get angry at me, and just explained that I did not put the right shoes. This is success in my opinion, as anger is the rule rather than exception.

 

I notice she started reading books on relations. She is getting into this very slowly, but again this is a positive sign. Sure, I am reading too much into what is going on and perhaps looking for any signs of hope.

 

We started going out on dates, but they always end up with the separation and division of assets talks, and how we are not compatible. I listen, I hurt, and I try not to believe everything she says.

 

I do not call her from work during the day, as my impression is that I am really interfering with her space, but I just learned that when the phone rings she hopes that it is me.

[Gunny376]

Sounds to me what she's needing and wanting is ~ change!

 

Not just you and in you ~ but in the whole dynamics of day to day living.

 

Some women are like that, they want to rearrange the furniture ~ just for the heck of it, paint the bedroom, buy new furniture, get a new hairstyle, a makeover, a new wardrobe.

 

Very few women are like men? Me? Where the furniture lands when I move into a place ~ is pretty much where it can stay for the duration.

 

Me? I'd take her fishing ~ its hard to stay PO'd at a fishing buddy!

 

Ditton with bowling.

 

My point? Do something the two of you've never done before. Inject change into the dynamic of the relationship. Do things that you never use to do ~ seize the initiative. You see something that needs doing? Do it. Ask her opionion more about things ~ even if you already know the answer yourself.

 

And I believe that most of that change should be toward downsizing and keeping that simple ~

 

Most women just want a simple life ~ a house to turn into a home ~ a devoted husband ~ and happy, smilinig children.

 

Alot of women just want to be SAHM's ~ and that may be part of your problem. That may be what she's wanting and she's resenting having to work but afraid to bring it up.

 

For many women working a full time job, plus taking care of the home and children? Its like having two full time jobs.

 

I'm just throwing things at you for your consideration.

[jmargel]

I told you once and I am telling you again. Just use TOUGH LOVE. Go with the assumption that what she says is how she feels. Stop trying to rationalize her behavior, stop trying to look for that little sign that might turn things around. It's time to start making decisions for YOURSELF.

 

Quit letting her walk all over you, she continues to whip you and you continue to tolerate it. If you want those kids, they are half yours. Fight for them, let her know this. If she doesnt want you around, tell her to move out and do NOT help her out in any possible way.

 

Show some confidence already, show that you can live with out her. If you continue this path she will keep kicking you until you two are finally divorced. I've seen enough situations on here and of my own to realize what should be done.

 

Continue to act the same, continue to receive the same treatment. Start going out and having fun by yourself. Forget her and what she thinks or feels. Who cares if she's mad if you go out. She doesn't want to be with you anymore! Screw her and her attitude.

 

Grow a set of balls man, it sounds like you put your own self-worth into this woman. It's time to take that back.

[redblack66]

Sounds to me what she's needing and wanting is ~ change!

 

Not just you and in you ~ but in the whole dynamics of day to day living.

 

Some women are like that, they want to rearrange the furniture ~ just for the heck of it, paint the bedroom, buy new furniture, get a new hairstyle, a makeover, a new wardrobe.

 

Very few women are like men? Me? Where the furniture lands when I move into a place ~ is pretty much where it can stay for the duration.

 

Me? I'd take her fishing ~ its hard to stay PO'd at a fishing buddy!

 

Ditton with bowling.

 

My point? Do something the two of you've never done before. Inject change into the dynamic of the relationship. Do things that you never use to do ~ seize the initiative. You see something that needs doing? Do it. Ask her opionion more about things ~ even if you already know the answer yourself.

 

And I believe that most of that change should be toward downsizing and keeping that simple ~

 

Most women just want a simple life ~ a house to turn into a home ~ a devoted husband ~ and happy, smilinig children.

 

Alot of women just want to be SAHM's ~ and that may be part of your problem. That may be what she's wanting and she's resenting having to work but afraid to bring it up.

 

For many women working a full time job, plus taking care of the home and children? Its like having two full time jobs.

 

I'm just throwing things at you for your consideration.

 

Thanks again.

 

Certainly, change is needed. We are in the same old routines, although I am trying hard various things, but often with some resentment from her. I am having difficult time coming up with

an idea for something unusual, and yet, with a good chance to be effective. When we met, I was full of surprises, and I still like

little eccentric stuff.

 

Fortunately, we both like simple things, and both like a sparse house,

without much furniture. She is very much into the natural stuff.

 

I am doing way more than before around the house and with the kids,

but she is telling me that this is nice, but will not return her feelings.

Well, at least I am doing things because I feel doing them.

[redblack66]

I told you once and I am telling you again. Just use TOUGH LOVE. Go with the assumption that what she says is how she feels. Stop trying to rationalize her behavior, stop trying to look for that little sign that might turn things around. It's time to start making decisions for YOURSELF.

 

Quit letting her walk all over you, she continues to whip you and you continue to tolerate it. If you want those kids, they are half yours. Fight for them, let her know this. If she doesnt want you around, tell her to move out and do NOT help her out in any possible way.

 

Show some confidence already, show that you can live with out her. If you continue this path she will keep kicking you until you two are finally divorced. I've seen enough situations on here and of my own to realize what should be done.

 

Continue to act the same, continue to receive the same treatment. Start going out and having fun by yourself. Forget her and what she thinks or feels. Who cares if she's mad if you go out. She doesn't want to be with you anymore! Screw her and her attitude.

 

Grow a set of balls man, it sounds like you put your own self-worth into this woman. It's time to take that back.

 

Many thanks. Yes, I should apply 'tough love' and try to forget what she feels/thinks. She is confused, as far as I can see, and I cannot change this.

Yes, I allowed my self esteem to go down and down, and this is not me. The problem is she would not move out of the house.

I told her if she does not want to live with me to just stop sitting and make arrangements to move out. I really need more of your posts to toughen up :-)