separated in the same house; would wife come around

[redblack66]

That's really all that you can do in the end ~ isn't it?

 

A lot of times in Life, you're going to find yourself in situations and thinking? "What are you going to do? What can I do?"

 

The only thing that you really have control over is yourself, your life ~ and a say in the lives of your children.

 

Worry only about those things that you can do something about and accept the rest?

 

In time? You'll be alright? Time heals all wounds unless you pick at them. As the Beatles said ~ "Just Let it be!" It is what it is what was? Was. What is? Is. What will be ~ will be!

 

Yes, I must try not to pick at my wounds. I have to get busy living full life.

 

Men and women? They're people ~ different in basic and funametal ways, to such an extent that it often seems they're world's apart? They're just coming at it (Life) from different angels and perspectives ~ so much so that oftentimes we can't see the other's perspectives?

 

And getting back to you about a previous post? All LJ was saying is that she cannot understand why men can't see women as having the capactity to be coniving, cheating, stealing, lying people as much as men are.

True. No matter how high morals and standards a woman has, she

is capable (and men as well) deceiving other people.

 

Your DW is very much off in la~la land caught in a fantasy land of wide open spaces, horses, mindering brooks and having wild sex with the young hired help with his young slender muscular body ~shirtless as he pitches bales of hay into the hay loft. That's straight out of some dime-store, pulp-fiction rommance novel. That's fantasy!

Cannot be more correct. I am amazed how you could find a better description than me.

 

 

Fanstasy? Doesn't tote the note, doesn't get the job done! Fantasy doesn't pay the bills, let alone the mortgage. Fantasy? Doesn't match up to the reality of day-to-day living.

This is EXACTLY WHAT I have been telling her. It is nice to ride hourses and walk by the river, but at the end of the day, there are kids, career, bills, etc. You can do this when you are 15, but not at 36 with 2 kids.

 

And yes, its all going to come crashing down on her happy azz, quick, fast, and in a hurry like. And when she finds out that its a cold, cruel, un-forgiving world out there ~ full of not so nice people ~ she'll probally come begging back to your boring research-academic world.

Sure. For some reason she is really affected emotionally when people are not nice to her. In a way, she cannot fight inside her the hurt from colleagues etc. I remember this from her work days.

 

You need to brace yourself for that reality! Because while Mr. Reality is bring her into line? He's bringing you into line!

Unbelievably insightful. Keep posting!!!

 

You? You're "free-falling" back into your life ~ just as she will ~ eventually. But, you need to be playing "chess" you need to be six or seven moves ahead of her in deciding where your going to be mentally, emotionally, etc.

 

Me? I'm single ~ by choice. I don't have all that I want ~ but I've got all that I need. And it doesn't take much to make someone who's lived a Spartian life ~ Happy.

I was happiest when I immigrated: bed, table, TV, 2 dishes, spoon, fork, and knife. I lived like that for 1.5 years.

 

I'm telling you that because I want you to know and understand that being the otherside of divorce, single and alone? Its really not such a bad thing. I've come to like it and enjoy it. I like my "down-time" and my "fire-gazing" time. I was raised alone in the pine thickets of Alabama with just two loyal dogs as compaions (Buster and Brownie ~ LOL ) and I don't mind being alone.

I am scared of the loneliness, but I will deal with it.

 

I told you once ~ you're your own worse enemy in this?

 

You asked me what I meant by that? I never answered you. Why? Because you've got to answer it for yourself!

I have to find the answer. Still don't have it...

[bestadvisor]

Redblack, you're doing great.

 

This is waking her up a little; just a little though.

 

During the past few months; she still got your love and attention while having this fantasy with this OM. She saw you as a safety net just in case things don't work out with OM. Since now that you're showing sign of moving on, her safety net is crumbling down.

 

Continue doing what you did, meaning be "loving", but show no desperation and try to move on by showing some "distance." Let her do the repair and the chasing if she wants the marriage to work, otherwise, it will never work out. During the mean time, try to improve yourself, as a person, and a father.

[redblack66]

Redblack, you're doing great.

 

This is waking her up a little; just a little though.

At this point, I am not trying to figure out if she will wake up.

I should salvage myself.

 

During the past few months; she still got your love and attention while having this fantasy with this OM. She saw you as a safety net just in case things don't work out with OM. Since now that you're showing sign of moving on, her safety net is crumbling down.

Not really. She has been planning on building a house near her parents farm. Unless she feels subconciously loosing me, I am not that of a safety net.

 

Continue doing what you did, meaning be "loving", but show no desperation and try to move on by showing some "distance." Let her do the repair and the chasing if she wants the marriage to work, otherwise, it will never work out. During the mean time, try to improve yourself, as a person, and a father.

 

 

Thank you so much. Out of the blue I have been feeling very happy.

Could be my monstrous dose of anti-depressants, but who cares, the goal is to survive.

What I did today was very much from my heart and she felt it.

Indeed, I cannot take the pain anymore.

BTW, my wife is extremely bright with incredible intuition.

[redblack66]

I am reposting this, in case some of you have missed it...

----------

 

Friends: first I want to THANK everybody so, so much for the help

and hope you gave me through this difficult time for me. I do not know how to express how thankful I am.

 

I have been reading, and reading, and working on myself. I feel I am growing up by the hour, but also making mistakes along the way.

 

Here is an interesting conversation I just had with my wife, before me leaving for France. (I will fly back on Monday. I will be regularly reading LS.)

 

My wife asked me how I was doing, I said I have been very happy recently. Not quite, I was really happy the last two days.

 

Before I left, I bought a nice card, and a very nice, very unusual rose.

 

I wrote:

 

Dear H:

 

I expect you to find this annoying and perhaps you will discard it with passion.

 

This is a miniscule token to tell you that I have and appreciate you the way you are: with your strength and weaknesses, with your smarts and anger, with your passion, with your external and internal

beauty.

 

Friend and proud father of your children,

N

 

Now she was touched and wanted to talk to me. I said lovingly, that I would like to talk only about the children, and do not wish to talk about ourselves anymore. She said 'Forever?' I said 'We know what we know, and I really prefer not to talk about us'. She says 'You are again in extremes. Never?' I said 'It hurts me so much, it hurts me when I love somebody that does not want to have anything with me, and I do not want to go into the pain anymore.'

 

She said 'You did not meet my emotional needs. Do you think anybody can understand them?' I said 'You have to look inside yourself first. Read, think. I am on my way doing this already.'

I said 'My heart is broken into pieces, and I just don't want any pain anymore. I don't want to go there. I wish we talk only about the children'

 

She asked 'Have you moved on?' I said 'No'. She: 'when are you moving on?' I said 'I am working on it.'

 

I said 'Forgiveness requires maturity, strength, and time. I think I am mature enough, have the strength, and with little time, I will forgive you.'

 

We starred at each others eyes for a while an she started crying. I gave her a gentle hug, and said I needed to get ready.

 

Little honest drama, but this is the type of conversations we needed many times in the past.

 

All this is very SAD, as I feel things were not that broken, and they are not irrepairable. I remember with my previous wife the separation and divorce were much more worse. I really wanted to get together. She was in her dream world. She wanted me badly after a year.

 

So, as of today, I am NOT reading into what she says, I take it as what it is. I started interacting very happily with people, and I just see the positive reaction on the other side.

[kateangel]

hiya,

i just want to say, that maybe u shud have a real look into ur financial situation and see if u can get out for a bit - stay around ur parents or ur friends. I only say this because of the kids - she sounds like she is being pretty unreasonable, and ur household must be very stressful. if anything do it for the kids?

[bestadvisor]

Do you find my situation unusual, do you feel hope. As far as I can see, it is done.

 

I don't like seeing the above sentence. There was a nice turning point before you left the country. I don't want you to keep your hopes up, but you shouldn't say "it is done" either.

 

Your wife's affair is not going to last. She obviously still have feelings for you because you made her cry with a simple card and rose. Imagine if you've done more.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

I've always believed that once a woman wants out of a relationship, it's dead. Nothing is going to revive it.

 

Men keep thinking of second chances, but a woman things that she gave her man 10,000 chances during the relationship and when she leaves, it's because she thinks she has exhausted all possibilities to making it work.

 

It's over.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

She obviously still have feelings for you because you made her cry with a simple card and rose. Imagine if you've done more.

 

She could have cried because her "dream" of marriage is gone (mourning the marriage or the ideal of it) or because it came so late after countless attempts to make it work (during the marriage).

 

I would not take this sign as a way back into her life.....

[Chrome Barracuda]

She could have cried because her "dream" of marriage is gone (mourning the marriage or the ideal of it) or because it came so late after countless attempts to make it work (during the marriage).

 

I would not take this sign as a way back into her life.....

 

A man could do a million things to make that woman happy and yet that woman would always find something to freaking complain about. It would not have mattered at all.

 

Bottom line is she's a Walk away wife. She's leaving without even putting 100% to fix the problems they have. It's not his fault completely.

 

Some women just can never be happy, no matter how much a man does for them. True happiness comes from within themselves first and foremost and it radiates outwardly.

 

You ever hear the expression it's not you, it's me. 90% of the time they're absolutely right!

[redblack66]

 

Bottom line is she's a Walk away wife. She's leaving without even putting 100% to fix the problems they have. It's not his fault completely.

 

Some women just can never be happy, no matter how much a man does for them. True happiness comes from within themselves first and foremost and it radiates outwardly.

 

I have been wondering today. Would it be correct to say that it takes much more maturity, courage, and wisdom to save a marriage than to

abandon it out of anger or feeling for somebody else, especially if there are many things that connect two people?

 

Another question: how can feelings be resurrected if love and care are definitely present in wife? This is a difficult one.

[jmargel]

I have been wondering today. Would it be correct to say that it takes much more maturity, courage, and wisdom to save a marriage than to

abandon it out of anger or feeling for somebody else, especially if there are many things that connect two people?

 

Another question: how can feelings be resurrected if love and care are definitely present in wife? This is a difficult one.

 

Only she can do that. If she still loves and cares for you then it has to come from within' her to allow herself to open up again and to get to the root of all these problems.

 

It easy to end a marriage, it takes alot more work and maturity to not only keep it but to keep improving on how both of you communicate to each other.

[Kenyth]

After affairs are discovered, many estranged spouse's simply cannot bear staying in the current reationship under any circumstances. To stay in a relationship after cheating brands you the bad guy forever. Most people who are weak enough to have an affair won't have the fortitude to handle being in that position. They lose all their power and credibility, and have to turn into a complete giver for a while. Unless they're willing to take responsibility and take some licks, they won't want to stay. They couldn't handle the relationship before the affair, it's unlikely they'll handle it well after things get worse. Few marriages truly survive a physical affair for the long haul.

 

Whatever you do, don't let her take off for the hills with the kids. 2K miles is the kind of distance it will take to lose your relationship with them. Sorry to advocate you treating her as the enemy, but that's the way it works. She no longer has your best interests in mind at all, so you'll have to be your own steward. Don't let her sweet talk or guilt trip you into agreeing to anything you wouldn't agree to under any other circumstances. Make sure and get your full share, because once you give it up, it will be h3!! or impossible getting it back!

[redblack66]

After affairs are discovered, many estranged spouse's simply cannot bear staying in the current reationship under any circumstances. To stay in a relationship after cheating brands you the bad guy forever.

This is what I expect. Perhaps it was wrong to reveal my discovery?

I feel right about it.

 

Most people who are weak enough to have an affair won't have the fortitude to handle being in that position. They lose all their power and credibility, and have to turn into a complete giver for a while.

It takes a lot of strength and maturity to overcome such a situation.

 

Unless they're willing to take responsibility and take some licks, they won't want to stay. They couldn't handle the relationship before the affair, it's unlikely they'll handle it well after things get worse. Few marriages truly survive a physical affair for the long haul.

 

Agree.

 

Whatever you do, don't let her take off for the hills with the kids. 2K miles is the kind of distance it will take to lose your relationship with them. Sorry to advocate you treating her as the enemy, but that's the way it works. She no longer has your best interests in mind at all, so you'll have to be your own steward. Don't let her sweet talk or guilt trip you into agreeing to anything you wouldn't agree to under any other circumstances. Make sure and get your full share, because once you give it up, it will be h3!! or impossible getting it back!

 

 

Well, I will fight for the kids to be in my life and me being in their life. What else do I have? Money and fame do not matter at all.

[redblack66]

I am away in France and doing a lot of thinking and reading...

The thread by ilmw is just amazing. I recommend it to any one separating.

 

Gunny: your posts are amazing too. Thank you for your time and wisdom. Very helpful.

 

My emotions are calming down and I see more and more that I really have to work on myself, a lot, and this should be a long term commitment. I have not been myself for a long time, and I need to go back to the person I was. Part is me, part is the baggage I have from parents, previous difficulties in life etc.

 

I called home in the last three days, every day. Initially I thought no contact, but I miss the kids. I kept the conversations with my wife short, but she talked about her days and how they were doing. I am trying not to think about her and what she has done, and I will try to forgive her, mostly for myself so I can be in peace. However,

it is so difficult, and if I am not busy, I imagine her with the OM. It is painful, but I guess this is part of the healing process.

 

Another point I am learning: PATIENCE. I wanted too much too quick. Thoughts of my failures in relations keep popping up, and I am beating myself for missing so many things in a miserable, depressed state of mind.

 

My wife is the Alpha Female, I am the Alpha Male (both believe this). Maybe I was (and still I am) the Beta male for a while. Learning how to get this Alpha again.

 

Another thought: if my wife gets sick or disabled, I am the person that will be looking after her, unless she does not want this. This is the difference between love and a fling. Right???

 

Perhaps God has a plan for me. Sometimes faith knows best,

God knows best.

 

My wife is working on a separation agreement and I believe this includes me moving out of the house. Why should I move out? I did not abandon the marriage, I did not have an affair, I am paying all the bills. Although inconvenient in many ways, perhaps I should stay, and if she does not like it, she should make arrangements and move out.

 

Just thoughts...

[Ladyjane14]

My wife is working on a separation agreement and I believe this includes me moving out of the house. Why should I move out? I did not abandon the marriage, I did not have an affair, I am paying all the bills. Although inconvenient in many ways, perhaps I should stay, and if she does not like it, she should make arrangements and move out.

 

Don't move out of your home before consulting an attorney.

 

To be perfectly honest with you... I'd never bother with a "separation agreement" in lieu of settlement upon divorce. If my spouse wanted out that bad, I believe I'd oblige him. That's just me though.

 

There are alot of other little details that need to be considered, not just who has the kids on what day and how much money it takes to get the bills paid. There's life insurance beneficiaries, retirement plans, debt liabilities... all things to be assigned and considered when people split up.

 

It's a damn sweet deal for a wayward partner when they can live a single lifestyle and still benefit by all the entitlement of being your spouse. If you haven't read it yet, read Mike1966's thread in Second Chances.

 

Now, I'm not saying that you should stop "putting your best foot forward", but if she wants to start drawing up papers and putting you out of your home, you need to remember that there's a long row to hoe ahead of you in life. You need to be looking at the realities of the situation in terms of day-to-day living and what you're gonna want for yourself and your kids in the future if this thing doesn't pan out the way you had hoped.

 

So, "put your best foot forward", but plan for all contingencies.

When I told you earlier that "Plan A" and "Plan D" are incompatible, what I meant by that is in terms of emotional qualities, your attitude towards your wife. It doesn't mean that you don't do what's necessary to provide yourself with a back-up plan, one that protects you, your children, and your assets.

 

To shrink it down to it's basics... YOU discuss marriage. Your attorney discusses divorce. Your wife is attempting to gently maneuver you out of the marriage. Your response to that is two-fold... on the one hand you prove to her that you're a perfectly acceptable partner, and on the other, you show her the reality of her choice by not making it easy for her to put you on the shelf.

[redblack66]

Don't move out of your home before consulting an attorney.

The attorney is advising divorce, but this is what they do in general.

 

To be perfectly honest with you... I'd never bother with a "separation agreement" in lieu of settlement upon divorce. If my spouse wanted out that bad, I believe I'd oblige him. That's just me though.

I will be considering her separation plan. One reason is that if she wants out, she should take responsibility for her actions.

 

It's a damn sweet deal for a wayward partner when they can live a single lifestyle and still benefit by all the entitlement of being your spouse. If you haven't read it yet, read Mike1966's thread in Second Chances.

Exactly. I will read this thread.

 

Now, I'm not saying that you should stop "putting your best foot forward", but if she wants to start drawing up papers and putting you out of your home, you need to remember that there's a long row to hoe ahead of you in life.

She believes that I should be out, and also believes that I am forcing her into the marriage. Well, if one wants out, better move out, and not play the guilt game with the kids.

I do not feel it is right me to move out and tell the kids "Daddy loves you, but he is going to live somewhere else."

 

To shrink it down to it's basics... YOU discuss marriage. Your attorney discusses divorce. Your wife is attempting to gently maneuver you out of the marriage.

Exactly, she tries to maneuver me out, but not sure if this is the right thing.

 

Your response to that is two-fold... on the one hand you prove to her that you're a perfectly acceptable partner, and on the other, you show her the reality of her choice by not making it easy for her to put you on the shelf.

Exactly. This is what I have discovered last night by reading LS for hours.

 

Am I correct here:

1. I must pull myself together and be the best I can be, without worrying about wife, without talking about marriage, and particular the past.

2. Do not facilitate her discarding me.

Please advise. I think I am getting it slowly with help from LS.

[Kenyth]

You're gonna get it in the end dude. The "Seperation Plan", AKA the "You Pay, I'll Play." plan is a farce. This halfway stuff is going to get you in trouble. You'll regret it eventually.

 

Honestly though, it doesn't surprise me that you're acting this way. You blindly love her and can't come to terms with the end. You wouldn't be the first one. I'm ahead of you in that particular line.

 

In a lot of marriage breakups there seems to be a victim. A willing victim who Martyr's themself for the sake of the other. One person who holds on to the relationship with all their might until their last fingernail breaks, and it spirals away in the same direction it was going all along. The other person takes advantage of this and uses the victims resources, love, and trust to help get them where they want to go. Since they don't have the immediate resources to do it on their own, they become a parasite and string you along until they can.

 

Don't be a doormat! File for divorce, get your kids, keep your house, and let her go!

[jmargel]

Hmm.. how can I put this?

 

GROW SOME BALLS!

 

I don't want to repeat myself over & over again but in the famous words of Dr. Phil 'You teach others how to treat you'.

 

Don't demand respect, command it. Command it by pulling away that safety net. Pull it away by coming home and make the seperation agreement yourself, by throwing her ass out into the street. Open that cage door for her as wide as possible and with a huge-ass smile on your face. Tell her to be with her lover and wish her the best because she's not welcome back.

 

This tough love approach is the ONLY way that is going to make her stop in her tracks and think. You need resolution here, one way or another. She continues to torture you and you continue to play the victim. When she whips you, you ask for another.

 

How about next time you call and she starts talking about her day, stop her and say 'Sorry but I didn't call to talk to you, I wanted to talk to my children'. Be tough, you have nothing to lose. Get some of your respect back.

[redblack66]

You're gonna get it in the end dude. The "Seperation Plan", AKA the "You Pay, I'll Play." plan is a farce. This halfway stuff is going to get you in trouble. You'll regret it eventually.

 

I think I am getting it if for 4 months she wants out.

Simply, it will cost me less if they prepare separation agreement and

my lawyer negotiates it. I am not paying her legal bills.

 

Honestly though, it doesn't surprise me that you're acting this way. You blindly love her and can't come to terms with the end. You wouldn't be the first one. I'm ahead of you in that particular line.

 

Sure.

 

In a lot of marriage breakups there seems to be a victim. A willing victim who Martyr's themself for the sake of the other. One person who holds on to the relationship with all their might until their last fingernail breaks, and it spirals away in the same direction it was going all along. The other person takes advantage of this and uses the victims resources, love, and trust to help get them where they want to go. Since they don't have the immediate resources to do it on their own, they become a parasite and string you along until they can.

 

Correct. I am also reading ilmw and PWSX3 threads.

 

Don't be a doormat! File for divorce, get your kids, keep your house, and let her go!

 

Actually if I manage to do this, I will be quite happy. I have no chance for full custody, as she has been the primary caregiver. I will be happy if I have 50/50 time with the kids.

[redblack66]

Hmm.. how can I put this?

 

GROW SOME BALLS!

 

I don't want to repeat myself over & over again but in the famous words of Dr. Phil 'You teach others how to treat you'.

 

Don't demand respect, command it. Command it by pulling away that safety net. Pull it away by coming home and make the seperation agreement yourself, by throwing her ass out into the street. Open that cage door for her as wide as possible and with a huge-ass smile on your face. Tell her to be with her lover and wish her the best because she's not welcome back.

 

Problem is I can't through her out on the street.

 

This tough love approach is the ONLY way that is going to make her stop in her tracks and think. You need resolution here, one way or another. She continues to torture you and you continue to play the victim. When she whips you, you ask for another.

 

True. "Soft" love approach has been useless.

 

How about next time you call and she starts talking about her day, stop her and say 'Sorry but I didn't call to talk to you, I wanted to talk to my children'. Be tough, you have nothing to lose. Get some of your respect back.

 

This is what I will do tomorrow. Sure, I do not really care about her day. Being nice gives her the power she needs. Correct?

[redblack66]

jmargel: I understand and appreciate your posts.

 

Problem is when I tell her the following:

why should I move out of the house? I think you should get a job and if you want out so badly, you should just move out. Then I get that this is the kids house and I should move out.

If I move out, I have no chance for joint custody, not that the chance is very high now, but it is there.

 

When I avoid talking to her and I am in 'hello' mode only and don't help around, then she says I am disrespectful. When I talk to her, it is about all my faults, and I just avoid talking about the past.

 

The safety blanket will disappear when we separate assets, which is coming pretty soon.

[redblack66]

I If you haven't read it yet, read Mike1966's thread in Second Chances.

 

I read the whole thread. To check my common sense: I feel Mike was pressuring more than he should have. Do you think/feel the same?

[Ladyjane14]

I read the whole thread. To check my common sense: I feel Mike was pressuring more than he should have. Do you think/feel the same?

 

There's a big difference between presenting yourself as open and accessible as opposed to being pushy, (or a "pushover" for that matter). I think it's okay for your partner to know that your preference is to work things out and that you're ready, willing, and able to do so.

 

Waywards are afraid to back down. They fear retribution, and they worry that if they return to the relationship they'll never be truly equal in it again. They worry that they'll regret their choice because the changes won't last. Presenting yourself as "a soft place to fall" can go a long way toward alleviating her anxieties and accommodating her emotional needs. You're not a "pushover" until you take active measures to 'give away the store'. That is, until you ASSIST her in leaving the marriage. In a nutshell, "I'll do anything for you... but I won't help you destroy our family."

 

As I told Mike, it's a tightrope walk over hot coals, and you're never quite certain of yourself. It feels unnatural to offer emotional support to someone who's hurt you, but look at it this way... it's usually NOT the betrayed spouse who has their head screwed on backwards.

 

Bear in mind RB, that the most likely scenario here is that your wife WILL seek divorce. Unfortunately, by the time things get bad enough that you're here at the Separation/Divorce forum... they've gotten pretty bad.

 

I think your best bet at staving that off for as long as possible is to offer her a preferable alternative to the course she's set herself upon... without making divorce an easy option. Time can be your friend. A quick resolution would probably go in favor of her choice to end the marriage, so learn some patience there fella.

[redblack66]

Waywards are afraid to back down. They fear retribution, and they worry that if they return to the relationship they'll never be truly equal in it again. They worry that they'll regret their choice because the changes won't last.

 

I am told all the time that the changes will not last.

 

Presenting yourself as "a soft place to fall" can go a long way toward alleviating her anxieties and accommodating her emotional needs. You're not a "pushover" until you take active measures to 'give away the store'. That is, until you ASSIST her in leaving the marriage. In a nutshell,"I'll do anything for you... but I won't help you destroy our family."

 

Some people (whose opionion I respect) may say that I should not do

"I'll do anything for you... but I won't help you destroy our family."

 

My wife will tell me that I have destroyed her feelings and hence the marriage.

 

It feels unnatural to offer emotional support to someone who's hurt you, but look at it this way... it's usually NOT the betrayed spouse who has their head screwed on backwards.

 

It may be honorable to offer emotional support to a spouse that destroys you. This may have a positive effect on her. Certainly not tough love. Am I totally not getting it?

 

Bear in mind RB, that the most likely scenario here is that your wife WILL seek divorce.

So far she has been telling me not to hurry and wait for a year to expire. She does not even have grounds.

 

Unfortunately, by the time things get bad enough that you're here at the Separation/Divorce forum... they've gotten pretty bad.

 

Sure, they are pretty bad.

I think your best bet at staving that off for as long as possible is to offer her a preferable alternative to the course she's set herself upon... without making divorce an easy option. Time can be your friend. A quick resolution would probably go in favor of her choice to end the marriage, so learn some patience there fella.

 

 

I AM learning. Thank you so much.

[Ladyjane14]

I am told all the time that the changes will not last.

 

See, your wife has some kind of beef with you, and through your posts, I've been unable to determine what kind of changes she's looking for. There's a gap in the information where we're not getting a peek into the marriage itself and what dynamics were in play before she checked out.

 

I will tell you this though, whatever those issues were which have built up her resentment... they MUST be addressed. These are the issues which have caused her emotional withdrawal, and as long as they are still present, she won't reengage. So, if you don't know what her beef is... you need to find out.

 

Some people (whose opionion I respect) may say that I should not do

"I'll do anything for you... but I won't help you destroy our family."

 

You're 'the man on the ground'. You're the one who knows YOUR situation best. You're gonna have to call the ball on this one.

 

My wife will tell me that I have destroyed her feelings and hence the marriage.

 

Yeah, they might be destroyed. But OTOH, they might just be blocked up by her resentments. Sometimes... when you clean up the resentments, the love can flow again.

 

It may be honorable to offer emotional support to a spouse that destroys you. This may have a positive effect on her. Certainly not tough love. Am I totally not getting it?

 

What I'm suggesting to you is that you split the difference on "tough love" until you've been able to identify and treat the source of the resentments. IOW, for actions which lead to divorce, you show some "tough love" in that you don't contribute to the destruction of your family.

 

But... in "splitting the difference" you continue to be nice to her, fulfill whatever emotional needs she'll allow, be her friend, and show her what a terrific guy you are. Look good, smell good, be charming and FUN to be with. If you're not in counseling... go. This shows her that you've got a work ethic and that you're serious about improving yourself.

 

So far she has been telling me not to hurry and wait for a year to expire. She does not even have grounds.

 

You're not in a hurry are you? Why not use that time to impress her and show her all that she'll be missing if she loses you?

 

She considers herself to be "separated", so yeah.. she's gonna be "acting single". It's up to you if you can handle that or not. But bear in mind, by not shutting her down when she brought this "trial separation" plan to you... you've tacitly agreed to it. It is what it is now. Those are the cards you're dealt in this hand.

 

The smarter course of action when she pulled the "we're separated because I say so" routine, was to flat out refuse, and then to file for divorce if she didn't immediately back down. But that's not what you did, and I don't see any benefits to back-peddling now.

 

She's already stepped out of the marriage, and if you really thought she'd return at the point of an ultimatum, I don't think you'd be here posting at LS. I'm thinking with things this far gone, she's going to have to come back of her own accord. So, you need to show her that you're THE GUY if you want her back.

 

 

p.s. And remember, there are no guarantees. You can do EVERYTHING just right from this point on and she might still divorce you. There's alot one person can accomplish when attempting reconciliation, but in the end it takes TWO.