Are extramarital affairs really that bad?

[Yamaha]

We are very much attached emotionally. We think a lot alike. It is really rare to find someone who travels on the same wavelength as oneself. It draws you together.

 

Then what is the point of other women? Is it just to prove you can?

 

Sounds like you are attached and you might love her but your to afraid of commitment.

[starbuckmacintyre]

I think that extra-marital affairs occur largely because something just ain't right in that marriage. Could be that someone is looking for a way out, might be that someone just wants to "get away with it". Mind you, when most people engage in an affair, the last thing on their minds are the plethora of legal issues surrounding divorce, division of property and assets, child custody and access... they just want to get some and get some now. Being the non-judgemental kind of guy I am, I don't think that the issue is exclusively male or female perpetrated either. People screw around for a whack of reasons, but I'd argue the number one reason is they are unhappy with the state of their current relationship. Moreover, given that nearly 50% of the population is divorcing/divorced, marriage has become the disposable coffee cup of our times. Is it any wonder, that people cheat?

[whichwayisup]

Mind you, when most people engage in an affair, the last thing on their minds are the plethora of legal issues surrounding divorce, division of property and assets, child custody and access...

 

True. They're so caught up in the affair fog, nothing else enters their minds except the person they're having an affair with. That and all the feelings an affair brings out, which only makes it worse and harder to end later on.

 

It's because (like michael moore said in his movie Sicko) society (In North America, anyway) has become MORE selfish and it's all about ME ME ME, not WE. Apply that logic to a marriage, and you get people ONLY thinking of themselves and what's best for them. What they want and desire, comes before their spouse.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It doesn't matter what the cheater or his/her accomplice thinks in terms of how bad having an affair is. When it happens to a BS it is at the very least like catching emotional herpes and at the worst, emotional murder. There is no justifying, no amount of debate on morals and ethics, no amount of playing dumb about what constitutes cheating that will change the fact that when you cheat on someone, or help someone else cheat you are destroying that person's emotional well being for life. Being cheated on leaves permanent emotional scars. If you are ok emotionally murdering a person, or participating as an accomplice to said murder then by all means, pretend to be 'enlightened' in terms of monogamy and go for it. Its not hurting you, right?

[norajane]

Her views are pretty much the same as mine. When I first asked her out she said, “Only if you’re okay with the fact that I might also be involved with someone else.” I replied, Only if the same also applies to me.” When we formalized (to each other) our relationship we agreed to a don’t ask, don’t tell policy. When we are together, nothing else matters. When we’re apart, well we are apart.

 

We are very much attached emotionally. We think a lot alike. It is really rare to find someone who travels on the same wavelength as oneself. It draws you together. Whenever I meet other women I always tell them right up front that I am emotionally attached to her. You’d be surprised how many aren’t fazed by it.

 

Unfortunately most people don’t seem to know they have a choice. Sadly, most seem to think that it is all or nothing.

 

If you're honest and upfront about your expectations with each other, and each of you are honest with your partners, then no one gets hurt, so I have no issues with it. But affairs are not about people being honest with their spouses, and they are not at all on the same page about their desires and expectations. So the lying and cheating and betrayal does lead to people getting hurt, very hurt.

 

The potential pitfall I see with your arrangement is that it leaves both you and your gf open to developing attachments to other people that could supersede what you feel for each other. If you're both ok with that possibility, again, not a problem. Marriage, however, is a commitment to forsake all others - to not leave yourself open to developing deep attachments with others because of the deep attachment you already have to the one you are choosing to marry and spend the rest of your life with.

[vivi]

thing is, what if the MM has entered into a marriage that initially was open, but over time the wife changed her mind?

[LucreziaBorgia]

thing is, what if the MM has entered into a marriage that initially was open, but over time the wife changed her mind?

 

The same for a woman who enters into a committed monogamous marriage, and her husband changes his mind and decides to cheat on her. Terms need to be renegotiated, compromises (if any) need to be made, and the marriage needs to be reworked and rebuilt on new understandings.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Her views are pretty much the same as mine. When I first asked her out she said, “Only if you’re okay with the fact that I might also be involved with someone else.” I replied, Only if the same also applies to me.”

 

I’m all for this, providing that people actually stand behind what they claim to believe enough to “speak their truths” to everyone involved ... including sex partners, spouses, children, family members, friends AND all those someone else’s who are going to be dragged into the mix.

 

The problem is ... most people are all to happy to show their ayas to a bunch of anonymous strangers online because its safe, but they’re often not so honest and straight up with the real people in their lives. Kinda tells you something about just how much they really stand behind their own hype.

 

Hey, I’m all for people boinking whoever they want ... sex isn’t so much the BIG DEAL that a lot of folks make it out to be cause they don’t have much else to look forward to. So long as one isn’t the cowardly sort who tiptoes behind everyone’s back than retreats into the shadows to avoid owning up to their lifestyle of choice.

 

If you honesty believe in it ... than you shouldn’t be afraid to live it out in the open.

 

Just my penny.

[lindya]

Her views are pretty much the same as mine. When I first asked her out she said, “Only if you’re okay with the fact that I might also be involved with someone else.” I replied, Only if the same also applies to me.” When we formalized (to each other) our relationship we agreed to a don’t ask, don’t tell policy. When we are together, nothing else matters. When we’re apart, well we are apart.

 

Well, this seems to be working for both of you right now. I suppose the acid test would involve something like this: She meets up with you and says "I'm sorry, but I can't see you again. I've met a man I'm absolutely crazy about. He doesn't want to be involved with me while I'm sleeping with someone else. I desperately want to be with him, and I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sacrifice my relationship with you in order to make that happen. If things don't work out with him, we could maybe get back together at some point - but right now trying to make it work with him is my absolute priority.

 

I think in the face of jealous, mutually possessive "you're the only one for me" love, the clinical and rational "monogamy is over-rated" brand can start looking rather half-hearted and second-rate.

[Hestia]

So is it possible at all to be happily married to someone without having the need to seek others? I'm young and I thought it was but after reading so many posts about how marriages fail and how many people cheat I started doubting that. It looks to me that people are never satisfied with what they have got. That stability and monogamy is not welcome, that it's boring and disappointing and people get sick of it eventually. Always. Unless it's someone who doesn't aim for a better/happier life (and who wants to be with someone like that anyway?)

It's depressing really... If I marry someone should I expect to be cheated on? Because it's impossible to keep things "new" and "exciting" for decades. Or am I wrong? This is starting to worry me. Sorry if this is a little out of the subject but i had to ask.

[Lizzie60]

So is it possible at all to be happily married to someone without having the need to seek others? I'm young and I thought it was but after reading so many posts about how marriages fail and how many people cheat I started doubting that. It looks to me that people are never satisfied with what they have got. That stability and monogamy is not welcome, that it's boring and disappointing and people get sick of it eventually. Always. Unless it's someone who doesn't aim for a better/happier life (and who wants to be with someone like that anyway?)

It's depressing really... If I marry someone should I expect to be cheated on? Because it's impossible to keep things "new" and "exciting" for decades. Or am I wrong? This is starting to worry me. Sorry if this is a little out of the subject but i had to ask.

 

Sorry if this is disappointing or depressing for you...but that's reality sweetie... love is NOT eternal. It has become just as disposable as a foam cup...

 

The best 'approach' IMO is to take it one day at a time and don't expect that your partner will be forever faithful... this is just not realistic now days... the 'don't ask, don't tell' is the best way IMO.

 

You don't sweat it...you don't ask... you just enjoy your life together...

 

Nobody owns nobody... to think that you can control your partner is 'baloney'... you have no control over his mind, this thoughts, his desires, his fetish, his imagination... none.

 

Just don't think about it... simple. Be happy... don't get married, it's not necessary, it's not a 'must' for happiness... it's much less trouble when sh*t hits the fan... IMO...

 

Don't be depressed...you will if you think that you absolutely need to control and own your partner. It's unhealthy to think that way...

[outofdarkness]

[FONT=&quot] S has an affair, brings a spark back into their life, they’re happier for it, never tell uptight OS. The OS is happy S is happy. Life goes on. Happens all the time.[/FONT]

GIVE me examples people..Anyone out there have the guts to actually SAY they had an A and they feel that their M is better???

[outofdarkness]

Maybe religion is the problem.

 

 

 

And maybe love and sex aren’t the same thing. Sex, even in a loving relationship, is often just a habitual act of bodily pleasure. If one goes out and plays tennis with another for pleasure one doesn’t think of it as cheating, but if one goes out and has sex with another for pleasure it’s considered cheating?

 

My capacity for love isn’t so small that it can’t extend to more than one person. Just because I love one of my children doesn’t mean I love the other any less. Same with the women in my life. But I always hear these people who are so convinced of some sacredness off their vows or whatever that they can’t even stand their SO talking to another. Why do they have to be that way?

 

There is a woman in my life who I love very much, far more than anyone else. I think about her all the time. But our relationship and my love for her is not contingent on exclusiveness of sex or anything else. I just don’t understand the idea where people think that love requires exclusiveness.

I can't even go here w/ certain posters..We are completely different and come from two completely different worlds..I don't push my thoughts, beliefs on others...I don't NEED to b/c I live by a code of morals, ethics, etc...Enough said w/ out going to another forum

[outofdarkness]

You're assuming that all posters on LS exclusively believe in evolutionsim as opposed to creationism...I don't know the numbers, but I DO know that LS'sers are not always on the same page regarding this hotly debated, long standing topic.

 

If I offended you. I did not mean to cause a debate on the issue of creationism or evolution. It is a personal oppinion that has helped me understand human nature. The Human has searched for answers about many things...in order to try to understand thier existence on this planet, this includes religion.

It's fine...no biggie!!

[Yamaha]

Sorry if this is disappointing or depressing for you...but that's reality sweetie... love is NOT eternal. It has become just as disposable as a foam cup...

 

The best 'approach' IMO is to take it one day at a time and don't expect that your partner will be forever faithful... this is just not realistic now days... the 'don't ask, don't tell' is the best way IMO.

 

You don't sweat it...you don't ask... you just enjoy your life together...

 

Nobody owns nobody... to think that you can control your partner is 'baloney'... you have no control over his mind, this thoughts, his desires, his fetish, his imagination... none.

 

Just don't think about it... simple. Be happy... don't get married, it's not necessary, it's not a 'must' for happiness... it's much less trouble when sh*t hits the fan... IMO...

 

Don't be depressed...you will if you think that you absolutely need to control and own your partner. It's unhealthy to think that way...

 

 

Don't push your views on someone so young because you think you're waking her up to reality. You didn't believe this when you were young. Love can be eternal for some people. Not every one has a bad experience with marriage and cheating. Marriage is work but if you both are willing to try and you put some effort into it the rewards are great. People now days are not so different as those in the past. We are just more selfish and want instant gratification.

 

 

By all means let's all live our lives where we don't ask our mates who they've been with and them us so we can all eat, drink and get a little on the side.

[bish]

thing is, what if the MM has entered into a marriage that initially was open, but over time the wife changed her mind?

 

Then they shouldn't have gotten married. There is a vow in there that says, "forsaking all others".

 

If someone wants a relationship to be open...fine...but marriage is not for them.

[bish]

So is it possible at all to be happily married to someone without having the need to seek others? I'm young and I thought it was but after reading so many posts about how marriages fail and how many people cheat I started doubting that. It looks to me that people are never satisfied with what they have got.

 

Only for the weak and selfish. Some people can handle long term committment....some can't. The ones that can't have no business getting married, and definitely have no business having and raising children.

[whichwayisup]

So is it possible at all to be happily married to someone without having the need to seek others? I'm young and I thought it was but after reading so many posts about how marriages fail and how many people cheat I started doubting that. It looks to me that people are never satisfied with what they have got.

 

Yes, it is. You don't rely on your spouse 100% to make you happy. No ONE person can fulfill ALL needs by another. That's what friends, family, hobbies, work, etc are for. Too many people rely on their spouses for ALL their happiness. If you just accept that there will be rough times in a marriage, whether it be less sex, or some arguing, or just the general stuff like throws at you, and know that things WILL get better in time with efforts by both spouses, then you'll be okay.

 

Bottomline, don't PUT yourself in a situation where something 'could' happen. If you (you meaning a general "you") find yourself needing or wanting attentions from others, whether it be emotional or sexual, TALK it out with your spouse and give them a chance to make things better.

 

Everyone enjoys flirting, or having someone pay attention to you, it's good for the ego and puts a smile on your face. Problem is, some take it TOO far and cross the lines, and can't accept compliments as they're meant to be, too many run with it and HAVE to explore it as "love". When, infact, it's NOT love, it's just lust.

[Cliche]

GIVE me examples people..Anyone out there have the guts to actually SAY they had an A and they feel that their M is better???

My parent's relationship improved by leaps and bounds after my dad had an A 30 years ago. He never thought to stray again.

 

Also, sometimes an A pushes a marriage to end that should've rightfully ended years ago and improving the lives of both the former spouses.

 

I'm not going to say this is the usual result, but it does happen.

[Cliche]

Only for the weak and selfish. Some people can handle long term committment....some can't. The ones that can't have no business getting married, and definitely have no business having and raising children.

Oh good lord, of course they do.

 

Marriage is simply not the end all be all. It just isn't. It's a contract, a piece of paper. The underlying love, compassion and concern is what matters. That can exist in an R that is not a marriage, and it can be absent from a marriage. And that love that raises a family can exist in places other than mom/dad (i.e., grandparents, close circle of friends, same sex Rs, etc., etc.).

 

Really, what a narrow view of the world that statement was.

[Trialbyfire]

Oh good lord, of course they do.

 

Marriage is simply not the end all be all. It just isn't. It's a contract, a piece of paper. The underlying love, compassion and concern is what matters. That can exist in an R that is not a marriage, and it can be absent from a marriage. And that love that raises a family can exist in places other than mom/dad (i.e., grandparents, close circle of friends, same sex Rs, etc., etc.).

 

Really, what a narrow view of the world that statement was.

Hon, contracts are legal and binding. If you enter into a contract and choose to change the terms and conditions without the other parties consent, be prepared for a civil suit of massive proportions.

[bish]

Oh good lord, of course they do.

 

Marriage is simply not the end all be all. It just isn't. It's a contract, a piece of paper. The underlying love, compassion and concern is what matters.

 

That is correct. But if that love, compassion and concern is there, then they are not selfish and weak. I said the selfish and weak have no business getting married...not the people that exhibit the behaviors you laid out.

 

 

Really, what a narrow view of the world that statement was.

 

No, it wasn't....because what you said doesn't apply to what I said.

 

Again, I said the SELFISH and the WEAK have no place getting married....not the people with love and compassion.

 

And if someone is the cheating type, they don't know what love and compassion is.

[Hurt & Alone]

I would have to disagree with this statment:

 

Again, I said the SELFISH and the WEAK have no place getting married....not the people with love and compassion.

 

And if someone is the cheating type, they don't know what love and compassion is.

 

Just because one may be selfish and weak does not mean that they can not also be loving and caring at the same time.

[bish]

Just because one may be selfish and weak does not mean that they can not also be loving and caring at the same time.

 

It does if the selfishness and weakness is in the area of love compassion and fidelity.

 

I didn't mean selfish as in a money grubber, or weak as in backs down from a confrontation.

[Woggle]

I have never seen a happily married selfish or weak person. I don't think that cheating is inevitable but in this society if you are a person that values working at a relationship and have an understanding of what marriage is about you need to be extra careful about not getting played. It's a sad state of affairs but it is how things are.