Are extramarital affairs really that bad?

[outofdarkness]

I find it interesting how often in the OW/OM portion of the forum that regardless of the topic it ends up with posters telling the OW how wrong they are and the OW’s defending themselves. I absolutely do not believe in monogamy so it seems kind of trivial to me.

 

More than once I’ve had a fling with a married woman. In every case I knew that they were married and never had any illusions of taking them away from their husbands. From my perspective, most women marry and stay married for financial reasons, a stable home, and to avoid being alone. The emotional attachments tend to not be about love but about one’s own security and stability.

 

With each MW they came to me for emotional support, to have someone to talk to. From my point of view, their affair with me was greatly beneficial to their mental well being. I don’t at all think that being tied strictly to one person is a good thing. A little someone different every now and then is probably a good thing.

 

There was one MW; her friend was well aware of what was happening. She told us once that she wished she had someone like me so that she could have an escape from her husband every now and then.

 

I’m sure MM are different but I just don’t see any intrinsic wrongness with having an extramarital affair.

Well...that post IMO seems to belong in another forum to me...Like religion or something like that....I have NEVER understood poster's like yourself..and most likely, never will.

'

[outofdarkness]

I absolutely do not believe in monogamy either. It is just impossible to be faithful to the same person all your life... IMO.

 

I would say that most married men stay married for the same reasons. Love fades away, routine gets in... sex is boring...so they seek excitement outside the marriage.

 

See... we agree on this point.... the affair is beneficial to their mental well being... therefore to the M.

 

I'm all for it... because IMO, it unnatural to be with only one person all your life.

Marriage is about ALOT more then just sex, Lizzie..but I guess you would not know that now...would ya?

[outofdarkness]

How many relationships of this type do you know of that are successful?

That would be a HUGE goose egg for me...I've never heard of ANY open M that have worked...Come to think of it..I don't even know of any open M at all!

[outofdarkness]

Loons.

 

Then I googled it and came up with:

Swans, Penguins, Seahorses, Angler fish, and Albatross.

 

 

 

I agree. And there are some types who just can't stay faithful, even if they want to stay married, one woman or one man isn't enough. If that is the case, either see if the other spouse is OK with an openmarriage, or divorce. No point in cheating and lying, hurting and betraying your spouse. Or as bish said, don't get married in the first place.

Yes, I would say..DON'T get M in the first place!!!

[outofdarkness]

I'm sure that for as many instances where affairs caused trouble, just as many made people's lives better.

OK people who's lives have been made better by either S having an A...Speak now of forever hold your peace..no punn intended!!!

[outofdarkness]

We are all a part of the animal kingdom and how many animals stay with the same partner thier entire life..cant think of one off hand. Instinctual behavior.

You're assuming that all posters on LS exclusively believe in evolutionsim as opposed to creationism...I don't know the numbers, but I DO know that LS'sers are not always on the same page regarding this hotly debated, long standing topic.

[outofdarkness]

that whole idea of vows and lifetime commitment soooo 'dumb'... those are stupid 'laws' created by man and religion and most people don't follow them anyway...

Okkk..that's YOUR OP...so can't you respect other's OP's???

[outofdarkness]

I see nothing wrong with lies, and deceit, either. They're both cool in my book. The best way to be happy in life is to get out there and take what you want. Screw everyone else (one, or at most two, at a time).

 

Trust, love, and commitment are beautiful things. Some people want the package deal.

WTF????????????You are are definately one that gives the insightful and compassionate OW's on LS..a REALLY bad name...

[whichwayisup]

That would be a HUGE goose egg for me...I've never heard of ANY open M that have worked...Come to think of it..I don't even know of any open M at all!

 

Only ones I know of, is from watching that TV show KINK!!

[outofdarkness]

Only ones I know of, is from watching that TV show KINK!!

I'll have to ck that one out..Don't watch much TV...Could you PM me w/ info???

[Hurt & Alone]

You're assuming that all posters on LS exclusively believe in evolutionsim as opposed to creationism...I don't know the numbers, but I DO know that LS'sers are not always on the same page regarding this hotly debated, long standing topic.

 

If I offended you. I did not mean to cause a debate on the issue of creationism or evolution. It is a personal oppinion that has helped me understand human nature. The Human has searched for answers about many things...in order to try to understand thier existence on this planet, this includes religion.

[serial muse]

To answer the OP's question:

 

Yes. They're really that bad. And yes, the lying is that bad too.

[halfarock]

Well...that post IMO seems to belong in another forum to me...Like religion or something like that....I have NEVER understood poster's like yourself..and most likely, never will.

'

Maybe religion is the problem.

 

Marriage is about ALOT more then just sex…

 

And maybe love and sex aren’t the same thing. Sex, even in a loving relationship, is often just a habitual act of bodily pleasure. If one goes out and plays tennis with another for pleasure one doesn’t think of it as cheating, but if one goes out and has sex with another for pleasure it’s considered cheating?

 

My capacity for love isn’t so small that it can’t extend to more than one person. Just because I love one of my children doesn’t mean I love the other any less. Same with the women in my life. But I always hear these people who are so convinced of some sacredness off their vows or whatever that they can’t even stand their SO talking to another. Why do they have to be that way?

 

There is a woman in my life who I love very much, far more than anyone else. I think about her all the time. But our relationship and my love for her is not contingent on exclusiveness of sex or anything else. I just don’t understand the idea where people think that love requires exclusiveness.

[halfarock]

[FONT=&quot]

OK people who's lives have been made better by either S having an A...Speak now of forever hold your peace..no punn intended!!!

S has an affair, brings a spark back into their life, they’re happier for it, never tell uptight OS. The OS is happy S is happy. Life goes on. Happens all the time.[/FONT]

[serial muse]

There is a woman in my life who I love very much, far more than anyone else. I think about her all the time. But our relationship and my love for her is not contingent on exclusiveness of sex or anything else. I just don’t understand the idea where people think that love requires exclusiveness.

 

Well, I think a lot of people are saying that it's a question of the agreement two people have made together, whether married or exclusive or whatever. They've made a choice about how it's going to be, and most people, it's true, want it to be exclusive - both partners generally want it that way, at least at the outset. The bond that links them is one of mutual trust, shared values, prioritizing each others' feelings, etc. And an affair - which is built on secrecy and lies and is as often as not about an emotional relationship with someone else as a physical one - breaches all of that, ruptures that sense of trust. That is what is so damaging - it's taken me years to recover from the fact that someone I trusted so much was able to deceive and gaslight me, and cared so little about my feelings during that process.

 

As many have said, if both partners, going in, know that that's the deal, then that's their choice. If they decide during the relationship, together, that they want to alter the deal, then that's their choice. If they can separate sex and love, then great. If one partner wants out and tells the other, fine. But lying and deceit and gaslighting are always going to be destructive to any relationship, whether open or not.

[Yamaha]

Maybe religion is the problem.

 

 

 

And maybe love and sex aren’t the same thing. Sex, even in a loving relationship, is often just a habitual act of bodily pleasure. If one goes out and plays tennis with another for pleasure one doesn’t think of it as cheating, but if one goes out and has sex with another for pleasure it’s considered cheating?

 

My capacity for love isn’t so small that it can’t extend to more than one person. Just because I love one of my children doesn’t mean I love the other any less. Same with the women in my life. But I always hear these people who are so convinced of some sacredness off their vows or whatever that they can’t even stand their SO talking to another. Why do they have to be that way?

 

There is a woman in my life who I love very much, far more than anyone else. I think about her all the time. But our relationship and my love for her is not contingent on exclusiveness of sex or anything else. I just don’t understand the idea where people think that love requires exclusiveness.

 

You will ALWAYS justify what it is you want to do or act.

What is her views on your relationship? Is she just as free to express her love for someone else? Attachment forms out out of love and commitment. If you just love and don't become attached then your analysis might be feasible but people cannot exist together without attachment.

[Trialbyfire]

You will ALWAYS justify what it is you want to do or act.

What is her views on your relationship? Is she just as free to express her love for someone else? Attachment forms out out of love and commitment. If you just love and don't become attached then your analysis might be feasible but people cannot exist together without attachment.

I think this is the answer. If I were to hazard a guess, he pretty much loves himself. Beyond that would be a stretch.

[Darth Vader]

[FONT=&quot] S has an affair, brings a spark back into their life, they’re happier for it, never tell uptight OS. The OS is happy S is happy. Life goes on. Happens all the time.[/FONT]

 

 

Husband somehow finds out about you, tracks you down, kills you, he's happy you're dead! His life goes on. Happens all the time. Something for you to think about!

[halfarock]

You will ALWAYS justify what it is you want to do or act.

What is her views on your relationship? Is she just as free to express her love for someone else? Attachment forms out out of love and commitment. If you just love and don't become attached then your analysis might be feasible but people cannot exist together without attachment.

 

Her views are pretty much the same as mine. When I first asked her out she said, “Only if you’re okay with the fact that I might also be involved with someone else.” I replied, Only if the same also applies to me.” When we formalized (to each other) our relationship we agreed to a don’t ask, don’t tell policy. When we are together, nothing else matters. When we’re apart, well we are apart.

 

We are very much attached emotionally. We think a lot alike. It is really rare to find someone who travels on the same wavelength as oneself. It draws you together. Whenever I meet other women I always tell them right up front that I am emotionally attached to her. You’d be surprised how many aren’t fazed by it.

 

As many have said, if both partners, going in, know that that's the deal, then that's their choice.

Unfortunately most people don’t seem to know they have a choice. Sadly, most seem to think that it is all or nothing.

[halfarock]

Husband somehow finds out about you, tracks you down, kills you, he's happy you're dead! His life goes on. Happens all the time. Something for you to think about!

It’s been tried, but he was only a boyfriend and I'm sure she wasn't that into him. It was her getting drunk at a party, bragging to her friends.

 

 

Some people live their lives angry, violent. Some people are happy, peaceful. Why is it that the ones who think they are the most righteous are the most angry, the most threatening?

[Tomcat33]

 

Some people live their lives angry, violent. Some people are happy, peaceful. Why is it that the ones who think they are the most righteous are the most angry, the most threatening?

 

 

I'll tell you why, because it is the angry overlycritcal and unhappy people who have ultimately lost all control in their own lives that they feel they have to tell others how to live. I feel sorry for them really...and you gotta just laugh. Tryng to control others is the closest they will come to any sort of control in their existence.

[Lizzie60]

Loons.

 

Then I googled it and came up with:

Swans, Penguins, Seahorses, Angler fish, and Albatross.

 

 

 

I agree. And there are some types who just can't stay faithful, even if they want to stay married, one woman or one man isn't enough. If that is the case, either see if the other spouse is OK with an openmarriage, or divorce. No point in cheating and lying, hurting and betraying your spouse. Or as bish said, don't get married in the first place.

 

Humm... you came up with 6 out of how many million species??? LOL

So my % was pretty close... or maybe it would be 99.99999% now...

[Lizzie60]

Maybe religion is the problem.

 

 

 

And maybe love and sex aren’t the same thing. Sex, even in a loving relationship, is often just a habitual act of bodily pleasure. If one goes out and plays tennis with another for pleasure one doesn’t think of it as cheating, but if one goes out and has sex with another for pleasure it’s considered cheating?

 

My capacity for love isn’t so small that it can’t extend to more than one person. Just because I love one of my children doesn’t mean I love the other any less. Same with the women in my life. But I always hear these people who are so convinced of some sacredness off their vows or whatever that they can’t even stand their SO talking to another. Why do they have to be that way?

 

There is a woman in my life who I love very much, far more than anyone else. I think about her all the time. But our relationship and my love for her is not contingent on exclusiveness of sex or anything else. I just don’t understand the idea where people think that love requires exclusiveness.

 

Well said...

 

Religion is the source of sooo many problems on the planet.

 

I like what you said :

 

Sex, even in a loving relationship, is often just a habitual act of bodily pleasure. If one goes out and plays tennis with another for pleasure one doesn’t think of it as cheating, but if one goes out and has sex with another for pleasure it’s considered cheating?

 

I never thought about it that way... good point. If sex is not that important in a M...then what's the big deal if the S gets it outside the M?

[Lizzie60]

[FONT=&quot] S has an affair, brings a spark back into their life, they’re happier for it, never tell uptight OS. The OS is happy S is happy. Life goes on. Happens all the time.[/FONT]

 

and I will go one step further...

 

When the H makes love to his W... many many times, they think about someone they saw on the street, grocery store, restaurants, work...etc.

 

I've heard that soooo many times... even my first ex used to think about Linda Evans when she was on TV... (I forgot the name of the serie).

 

One of his friend 'squeeled' on him one night when they got drunk... my ex was sooo embarassed... (I knew it was true, just by his face)... he has, to this day, never admitted it... (too funny, as if I had control on his mind).

[whichwayisup]

And maybe love and sex aren’t the same thing. Sex, even in a loving relationship, is often just a habitual act of bodily pleasure. If one goes out and plays tennis with another for pleasure one doesn’t think of it as cheating, but if one goes out and has sex with another for pleasure it’s considered cheating?

 

Because tennis doesn't involve love, and emotions. And playing tennis doesn't HURT someone else's feelings.

 

My capacity for love isn’t so small that it can’t extend to more than one person. Just because I love one of my children doesn’t mean I love the other any less. Same with the women in my life. But I always hear these people who are so convinced of some sacredness off their vows or whatever that they can’t even stand their SO talking to another. Why do they have to be that way?

 

That's fine for you, but the norm isn't like that. You're one of the few who can separate love and sex completely.

 

When you make a committment to someone you love, part of being with that person, is giving up others sexually, if not, then why make that committment. UNLESS BOTH people decide it's OK to be with other people. As for the not talking to other people of the opposite sex while married or in a relationship, well, that's jealously and control issues. OR, that person has cheated on their spouse in the past and it becomes a trust issue.

 

There is a woman in my life who I love very much, far more than anyone else. I think about her all the time. But our relationship and my love for her is not contingent on exclusiveness of sex or anything else. I just don’t understand the idea where people think that love requires exclusiveness.

For many, it's a natural thing that just happens.