What do my feelings mean?

[hope1975]

Firstly...I missed you too!!!!...I don't mind how long your posts are I love reading them

secondly...oh wow, that's a twist alright.

ok...where to start? ummm coke...oh dear, does he seem different when he comes out of the bathroom? is he fidgety & stuff?

 

Blowing his nose all the time when he doesn't have a cold is definately suspicious & if he's hanging around other people that do it, theres a high chance that he is as well. Trouble is, he's not going to tell you if he's doing it. Sitting in the car at that time of the morning is very weird...so he called his daughter & she was inside? that's definately strange.

 

You said that maybe he's sweet to you when he's on coke, but maybe, if he is on coke it just gives him the confidence to be able to approach you in the way that he wants to.

 

sounds like there's alot of touching & stuff going on which is a good sign for you, and the fact that he blew of playing video games with his friends, to go to the carnival with you is a huge sign, especially when he likes video games so much.

 

But the weird hours, nose blowing & the fact that he's hanging out with people that do coke would definately raise some suspicion...Theres something not right if his cousin is also asking you if he's using it, means he picked up on something strange too.

 

Do you think he would confide in you if he was doing it? Unfortunately if he is doing it, no one can help him unless he wants to be helped. You said that when he was with his ex, he gave up everything, maybe he needs the support of someone special...ie: you.

 

When you guys go away for memorial weekend, keep a close eye on him...if you can somehow get proof that he's using, bring it up with him, but be gentle, cos you want him to trust you & accept help from you.

 

He may be a bit pissed off that you asked him about it, I know from my other friends, that when they're using & trying to hide it, when it's bought up they can get very ****ty. I had one friend that was using heroin & he died, I tried everything to help him & he was getting better, then he stuffed up & had a shot, and it killed him.

 

I've never used drugs in my life, but I've seen alot of others using, and it's scary how quickly the drug becomes their whole reason for living. The worst I've seen though is Ice or Crack...it's unbelievebly addictive & the people that use it aren't "junkies" they're normal people, but the drug takes over them so quickly & destroys their looks REALLY quickly.

 

If he's given up drugs before & drinking as well, at least we know he's capable of stopping, which is a huge thing, cos not alot of people are that strong.

 

It really really sounds like he's interested in you...when he got the call from the girl on saturday night & he said she could come over, did he sound enthusiastic about it? or was he really blase, like yeah come over if you want...there's a big difference. And she called him..not the other way around.

 

It really sounds like things are going great between you two...don't freak out about the coke situation yet, maybe he's not using & even if he is, that doesn't mean that his feelings for you have anything to do with the drug..coke'd just make him able to express himself better if anything.

 

Keep an eye on him & see how you go...& keep getting closer to him, so he'll either a) eventually confide in you or b) quit altogether if you guys end up a couple.

 

I got a sweet text from tim on mothers day, but nothing else major to report hopefully one day soon I'll be telling you all about the awesome sex we had

chin up girl...I'm here for ya

[LoveLace]

Gosh it seems you always know what to say to make me feel better! I was curious...where are you from? How funny would it be if we aren't that far a part! I was thinking today what a good friend I've made , LS-wise anyway! It might be all anonymous, but just as meaningful if you ask me!

 

There was one other thing that bothers me though; my cousin told me on the phone last night that Tom called the restaurant where Rick works to see about a job there. It's a pretty snazzy kind of establishment, famous people go there, etc, and Tom has a long history of waiting tables in formal places where they make real good money, a lot more than your average server at Applebees or some place like. My cousin told me this because Rick is like a life-time coke user. He's probably been doing it almost half his life, but hides it well...from his wife and family anyway, but those of us who know him well, know the real story. He's a good guy though and the habit has never made him slack off when it comes to other responsibilities in life. It's never ruined his life in any way; guess it could if it kills him, anyhow he and Tom used to be very close buds. So for them to work together could be a bad thing. I remember when Tom and his Ex were very settled and out of the loop, Rick would complain that Tom wouldn't return his calls, etc. Makes sense cuz all addicts know that no contact is best. Rick got married recently, and I think my cousin said they all did it at the bachelor party. Another excuse in my eyes, for doing it on special occasion. But Tom didn't attend the actual wedding cuz he claimed that work called him. When I told Rick this at the wedding, he didn't seem too thrilled about it...it was strange though, Tom claimed he had multiple dates lined up, and I had a date (that fell through) but suddenly Tom said he had to work and would have been going alone anyway...don't know what really happened there...he's got a lot of pull at his job to be off when ever he wants...was a bit strange but over a month ago now.

 

But he might feel that he has to walk on eggshells around me now, but oh well. I'm not going to say anything more about it I guess, except he's probably wondering how I suddenly came up with such an accusation...he never did explain what he was doing in the car. Only to call his daughter once he got there. There's no way he'd let her know if he was snorting;Although he has been known to go out there and smoke pot. Still, that little conversation they had was weird...I felt like it was about me, but that's probably way off...I have a feeling he's either going to stay out late tonight (with the girl) or he'll come home and act cold, and invite the girl over just to piss me off. Deep down, he knows I hate it. There have been times when I felt it was obvious that a girl was here just to get a reaction outta me. I do know I'm going to back off on attention, for a couple days at least, since I don't know what he's thinking right now. Besides- although he's been nice, I'd like to see him initiate some TLC for once. Last night I was talking about what I learned at school yesterday, etc, and it was like he wasn't even listening, or cared. He used to be more enthusiastic when I talked about school. But lately, his absence of reaction looks as though he could care less.

 

I wonder if he doesn't feel obligated to share my enthusiasm since I'm moving, which is dumb, but he sure was more excited about it back when we thought we would keep living together. Nursing makes a lot of money and he knows it. I just have to watch out for being used, no matter who it is. Perhaps he's just intimidated or jealous, or sick of hearing about it, but even just a friend should be a little more supportive. He also wouldn't let me practice looking for a vein in his arm. It wasn't like I had a needle; but its like, come on! Oh and when he invited the girl over, I can't say he sounded too enthused...but he didn't sound against it, either.

 

How nice of Tim to think of you on Mothers day! Please keep me informed! I'm sure you'll hear from me tomorrow...happy mothers day!

[hope1975]

oh that's soooo sweet!! I wish I was closer... but I'm from the other side of the world!!! try & guess which country ok? if you can't guess, i'll tell you where abouts in the US are you from? I'll try & guess...ummm michigan? dunno why that popped into my head...I don't know many places in the US...ummm...LA, New York? that's about all I can think of right now lol...North Dakota, South Dakota, springfield?? am I close? the bronx, new jersey? this is hard!!

 

Ok enough of geography for the insane

 

If I were in your position, I would just bide my time & watch Tom, see what happens over the next couple of weeks. Two things I'm sure of is that a) he is interested in you & b) he doesn't want you to move out, but how you'll get him to open up to you & admit that is another thing.

 

The fact that he's contacting this Rick again is probably not a good sign. He may feel like he has to walk on eggshells for a little bit if he's trying to hide something from you, I think you need to find a way to help him to open up & confide in you. I think that when you go away to your dad's place that might be a good time to do it.

 

I don't know why he doesn't seem interested in your career, except that maybe it makes him feel a little bit inferior, if his careers not going to well, and if he's contacting this Rick guy for a job, that's a strong possibility

 

As for the girls, I'm sure he does bring them back to get a reaction sometimes & I bet it annoys him when you don't show any sort of emotion towards it.

 

I'll be seeing Tim this week, hopefully, so I'll let you know what happens.

 

did Tom come home late? or did he come home with a girl & if so did he act cold to you??

 

Let me know.

Thanks for being here & being a good friend

[LoveLace]

Other side of the world huh! Oh geez I don't know! Europe? Asia? I'm just naming continents here! Australia? You were close on Michigan though...Missouri actually! St. Louis--ever heard of it? Smack in the middle of the U.S.!! I'm excited you are going to Tim this week. Does he live a bit far from you? I just ask because it seems you don't get opportunities to see each other much? Or does it just happen that way?

 

Tom got home from work yesterday with his daughter, and didn't seem upset with me at all, just kinda there, nothing out of the ordinary. I felt ready to talk with him last night, but it seems the only time I feel ready is when his daughter is there and it's such a small apt. we live in, makes it hard! BUT while Mary was in the shower, I told him that I was excited because I will get to observe the ER this summer. He said "cool!"....which I was happy about, I mean that's all I ask! A little earlier, I had realized that I didn't get to do much of anything fun all weekend; so I told Tom I was thinking of going out last night. He says "there you go!"...you'd almost think he wanted to get rid of me the way he said it!

 

And later on the couch I said I wasn't sure about going out cuz I was so tired; and I had just called friends and said I'd meet with them! Then Tom mentions that he's going to meet up with Josh. This is a co-worker of his that he hangs out with frequently; the guy he played video games with before coming to the carnival with us. Then Tom says they even talked about going to the same place I was going. So I said well that would be a reason for me to go then! When I left I said maybe I'll see ya later...

 

So I went to the bar and hung out with friends for a couple hours, but Tom never called or showed. I was getting tired anyway, had to work this morning! But I remembered something from a couple months ago...after meeting Josh for the 1st time I thought he was hot; and asked my roommate if he was single, etc...Tom could've thought I only wanted him to meet me because he'd be with Josh. So I didn't call or make a big deal out of it. When I returned home just a couple hours later, he was out. I purposely feel asleep on the couch. (I wanted to see if he'd be out all night or not...which for him would be returning at 6 or 7am the next day). I woke up close to 4am and he still wasn't home so I started to get ancy about that, but he finally returned about that time. So he was really just gone probably about 4 hrs...He asked me how long I stayed at the bar and said he didn't make it. Then I got up to go to my room...and he held his arms out to hug me! I loved it. I gave him a really big hug, the kind where you throw your arms around his neck, and rest your head on one shoulder. He said sorry he woke me up. He was still awake playing that darn video game when I got up for work! He is off today though...not unusual for him...he's worked night jobs for years now...a total night owl with or without drugs. He didn't seem fidgety or anything of the sort either...didn't hear any nose-blowing...who knows...

[hope1975]

Oh I've heard of st louis...isn't that somewhere near New Orleans or am I way off?

You guessed right I'm from Australia. God's country

 

Yeah Tim lives a couple of hours drive away from me which can be a bit difficult, but oh well, what can you do?

 

sounds like the hug was a bit intimate hey? and he initiated it!! oohhh when is he going to make a move? So he was only gone 4 hours...not really long at all...must've missed you

 

and he talked about going to the same place you were going!! geez...things are starting to move along slowly but surely

 

Yes I should be seeing tim this week, but you know what? I'm due for my cycle, so I'm pms'ing and feel bloated & yuk. Of course I had to be getting them when I'm going up to see tim!! not happy. And my daughter said she doesn't want me to come home that night, cos she wants to have her girlfriends over, so I may just stay up there in a hotel. dunno if we're gonna go have lunch or dinner or what though.

 

Should be interesting, I'll keep you updated

[LoveLace]

It's ashame about that time of month huh! I hope you have a wonderful time.

 

I've always wanted to see Australia...and its funny too cuz I had a pen pal from Sydney when I was 10!! To this day I wonder what happened to her, but can't remember her name!!

 

But to clear up the job thing...Tom's been looking for a new job anyway...due to me moving mostly...and even told me once he's thought of waiting tables again...so I don't think he'd call Rick's work just cuz of the habit they've shared; however it would still worry me of course...

 

I'll keep you up to date too! I'll be thinking of you as always!

[LoveLace]

How've ya been Hope? I haven't been around a couple days...I use LS at work and suddenly we were blocked from the site, but I found ways around it...he he..how is Tim doing have you spoken lately?

 

I'm such a wuss Hope! Last night Tom and I were alone on the couch after his daughter went to bed, the perfect opportunity for talk, but instead I pull the old fall-asleep-on-the-couch thing. But part of me holds back since I'm unsure about his bad habits.

 

When I left to go out Sun. night, he was acting all tired. Yet he went out too, and I saw awake playing video games the next morning. So he's tired, goes out with his buddy, and still manages to stay up an additional 4 hrs. with video games. Monday I got home and our stand-up fan was moved right up next to the couch and going on full blast. I know people on coke tend to sweat. And he didn't get up until about 7pm. I asked him what time he went to sleep and he said about 8:30am but I still think it was probably later, that or he slept an awfully long time. I also pointed out that he must have been awfully hot to have the fan the way it was. He comes back with, "well yea, have you seen the fan in my room? It's aiming right at my bed!" and he jokingly called me a "freak". I do know that he gets hot more easily than I, due to the difference between men/women and body temps...then he went out again for something that night but I went to bed and was so tired that I didn't even care what he was up to.

 

Last night he was sweet, even asked me how school was when I got home. But I had to go and get milk because he forgot to the night before, as he promised he would milk while he was out. I had to go get myself dinner anyway; and I know that stopping for milk is only a small responsibility, but still it's something he neglected to do cuz he was doing whatever else instead. His laziness for little things just annoys me. But I think I've heard a billion women with the same complaint about their men!

 

Over the last couple days I've found myself feeling like I could do better, I've found myself thinking of him in a different light of sorts, in an inferior way I guess, and I feel bad about it...yet I still love him, so I don't know what to do. Perhaps I'm just scared to talk to him because I know that if his feelings are mutual, there is a chance that something will make me regret it later, make me think I could have waited for a "better" guy.

 

But what exactly is a "better" guy? The kind with a much better job and income? Even they can have anything from a coke problem to a cheating problem. And they are all lazy for the most part, while at home anyway. Tom doesn't drink and I like it that way cuz a person who does drink, is more likely not to have a consience and do negative things to you: cheat, abuse, etc. Tom is sweet and he's my best friend....shouldn't that be all a person really needs? I mean, I like guys who are active and like to go on trips and hikes and stuff like that...not Tom at all...but is that big enough of something to make me regret being with him later?

 

Thanks for any thoughts you might have. Guess I'm confused, scared, unsure, and so very sure all at the same time that I need him and don't want to lose him.

[hope1975]

I was blocked from LS too...how strange!!

I think sometimes when we want someone alot, but they don't make any moves on us, it kinda makes us start to lose interest a little bit, but the feelings are still there, maybe that's how your feeling with Tom.

 

So he's being sweet to you & asks you how school was, then forgets milk typical men, but at least he offered to get it in the first place!!!

 

Hmmm youve got me thinking...what is a better guy??..very hard to decide cos I think sometimes I'm looking for someone that doesn't exist...like a knight in shining armour, but everyones human, so they are all going to have their flaws..maybe it's just a matter of how much those flaws affect us...if we really love someone I guess we'd love and accept everything about them.

 

If you like camping & stuff & he doesn't maybe that could be something you two would do separately, just make sure there's lots more stuff you could enjoy together.

 

Maybe you could write a pro & con list...did you used to watch the tv show Friends? There was an episode where Ross had to choose between Rachel & his G/F Julie...so he made a list of their faults/differences...Julie had 1 thing but Rachel had about 6....still he ended up with Rachel cos he loved her despite all those faults/differences.

 

hmmm lots to think about

write a list...see if that helps x

[LoveLace]

That did help. Although he's being sweet it isn't really enough to know he wants me THAT way, cuz he isn't making any real moves, other than hugging sometimes. Last night I actually didn't hug him good night I just smiled and said good night. Cuz we had that awkward hug the other day...just trying not to seem too clingy I guess...

 

Forgot to tell you though! Remember that I've been hanging out late with him on the couch lately? Well I told him once that if I'm upset or stressed over something, that I tend to be a "couch dweller", and I'll just lay around on the couch a lot. So Monday I'm worried about him cuz I think he's got a drug problem, then when he gets up and sees me on the couch he says, "you've been sleeping a lot on the couch lately, are you alright?", I'm like, dude, you've been on the couch a lot too!! And the thing is I've just been trying to hang out with him more...so I was worried about him and he was worried about me apparently...I keep having day dreams of us kissing, etc, here lately....what if I just planted one right on 'em...?!

[hope1975]

go on do it!!! plant one on him

If you both sleep on the couch alot, why don't you sleep on it together??

 

It's nice that he's worried about you though!! it's sweet. How long till you go to your dad's place? have you two talked about it since? That might be the turning point....have you discussed you moving out recently?

 

C'mon, you have to make a move girl!! he's taking too long ...lol...says me...I don't even get to see Tim!! oh well

 

My other thread about being thin or curvy has gone insane...people arguing & stuff....wasn't expecting anything like the amount of responses I got...it amazed me..lots of different opinions on there.

[LoveLace]

Ah so the thread has become a bit of a debate eh? I better revisit that...

 

I guess its ever since that time I hugged him and kissed his cheek and he made that mmm sound...that makes me want to be way more affectionate...last night he was sitting on the floor, right by me on the couch, and I was so tempted to run my fingers through his hair and rub his head! But if I made a move--would it like my way of saying I don't want to move out, or just a way of expressing my feelings?

 

I feel bad that I ramble on about Tom daily cuz I see him a lot more often then you get to see Tim! I hope you see him soon. What about the guy that called you 8 times, have you talked to him anymore?

 

Nothing's been mentioned more about moving out, nor about Memorial weekend, which is a week from this weekend. But now my dad may not be leaving town after all (Florida is having wild fires all over the place!)...in that case, I'll just have to come out with myself without a special setting! I've wondered if he'd think I was weird for asking him to cuddle in my bed with me...instead of sleeping on the couch, or with his daughter! (they have to share his room!). Gosh, I can sit here and tell you everything I want to say and do...but when I'm with him, it all goes out the window. I never know how to start, always worried about tripping on my words. Perhaps I shouldn't try to plan a speech so much...but let it all happen naturally somehow...

 

Hey! Are you and INXS fan? I love them and grew up listening to them...last year I saw them in concert (with new singer) and it the coolest..just thought I'd ask cuz I remembered they are from Australia! Also I keep looking at my World Clock on cell phone and you are 8 hrs. ahead of me! My clock says it's only 6:45 am where you are...is that right? Are you an early riser? Here it's 3:45pm!

[hope1975]

ohhh inxs yeah I like them alot, I went to a concert back in 1988, when michael hutchens was still the lead singer...great band

 

Yeah I have to get up early cos my daughter leaves for school at like 7 in the morning...so I'm always up early, except sundays when I try & sleep in

 

so it's afternoon there? wish it was here!! I don't wanna go to work today...I'm in a lazy mood, just want to sit around watching dvds & eating

 

I think you should make some subtle moves on Tom...lots of touching & stuff...maybe mention the bed thing as a joke, see what his reaction is...if he says ok, then go for it!! Try & be as natural & flirty as you can..he seems to respond well to cuddling & touching etc. which is a great sign.

 

don't worry about talking alot about Tom, I love hearing it...hopefully I'm gonna have some interesting stuff to tell you in a couple of days!! I'll keep you posted.

 

Ok, I've gotta love you & leave you, I have to go to work now hopefully the day will go quick....what day is it there? is it thursday? or wednesday? or friday? i'm confused lol....it's thursday morning here...8:00am

 

talk soon

[LoveLace]

Right now it's Thursday afternoon here, so I'm pretty sure that it's very early Friday morning for you! Too weird! I've always like the saying "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today, it's already tomorrow in Australia!"

 

What bed thing were you referring to? Guess I've said so much that I've forgotten about that! Funny thing happened a coulple nights ago. Me and Mary were watching TV and this bridal commercial came on. I told her it'd be fun to go try on wedding dresses, except I might leave depressed! I was mostly joking though. Anyway she asks me why do I need a husband so bad? I said I don't, but a boyfriend or even just living together would be nice.

 

So did Tom tell his daughter that I'm moving because I'm looking for a husband? I don't know. But it makes me wonder. I mean it isn't THE reason i'm moving out, but it's a contributing factor, it's hard to date when you live with a guy, and his kids ya know! If I tell him I want to stay, he might think I'm saying, I want you to be my husband! Which isn't necessarily true. And I guess he'd feel just as silly asking me to stay, cuz he could be afraid of me thinking it means he wants to get married! But I've never talked to Mary about why I'm moving; so she had to have gotten this idea about the husband from him. So now they might think I'm moving because they are in my way of finding a husband, or whatever. For some reason it bothers me, that Mary has never asked about my relationship with him; she knows we've been friends many years, but I'm always waiting for her to say "why don't you two get together?"- but she never does.

 

I could easily get info out of her if I wanted to. I don't know how much Tom discusses me with her, but I wonder if she knows how he feels about me? Would it be too mischevious of me to ask her questions? Would it be a bad idea to tell her that I love him? It's just, if she knows something I don't, she could either encourage me to go for him, or warn me not to. However it's hard to say if she'd be honest with me. I feel like I've gotten pretty close to her, since she's there while Tom works. I think she likes me for the most part.

 

Last night, Tom left his email inbox on the computer screen! How could I not see it!! There was a message from a girl 3 days ago, it said she saw his picture on a web site and she wants to meet him, and 25 yrs. old. From what I could tell, he hasn't written her back.

 

You'll probably see this when you get up, so good morning!! weird!

[hope1975]

oh that's funny!! I'm like the girl from the future!! yeah it's friday morning here...I just got up...so it's thursday night there...how strange...I'll let you know what happens on friday

 

ok the bed thing...you said something about telling him he should come & cuddle you in bed instead of on the lounge.

 

I think you should definately try and get some info from mary..don't tell her how you feel though...maybe just hint around & see what she tells you...how old is she?

 

Ahhh the e-mail....how lucky are you!! wish I could read Tims e-mail...lol...but I wouldn't let the e-mail from the girl bother you at all...in fact maybe you should try & find out what website he met her on and go on there yourself

 

I have a sore wisdom tooth at the moment...I always have problems with them...I'm supposed to get them out, but i'm too scared..I'm such a wuss.

 

I'm going out for dinner with tim tonight, so I'll give you all the goss tomorrow....there probably won't be anything much to tell...I've been kinda feeling like I'm losing interest in him a bit lately...probably cos nothings happening, it's boring me.

[LoveLace]

I can't wait to find out how your dinner goes. I can see why your feeling "bored" though...I would think its mainly due to the fact that you don't seem to see each other very often. Ya might as well just jump his bones! After those conversations you had about sex...I'm convinced he has at least thought of that scenario with you...so I'd doubt he would turn down any sexual advances!

 

Actually when I wrote before, it was late morning here but I said afternoon..now, it's late Thurs. afternoon! It is weird your like from the future! What happens on Days of Our Lives tomorrow? ha ha! By the way, I had all 4 of my wisdom teeth out at once. It's really not bad at all. They should knock you out for the surgery and when you wake up you'll feel high! Everyone's different I guess but for me the pain was pretty minimal in recovery; and I hardly needed the pain pills they gave me. But your cheeks will probably look a bit swollen/puffy for a couple days..and you'll have to eat mashed potatoes or ice cream mostly! Over all it's a piece of cake, I swear! It was my first and only surgery of any kind, too, so I went in completely clueless myself, and it still wasn't near as bad of experience as I thought it might be.

 

Mary is 14. Tom's kids are almost like his "friends" too, since they are teenagers. I'm pretty sure he talks to them about personal things sometimes. If I asked her anything, it would probably be obvious why I was asking, so to just tell her how I feel about Tom would even be unnecessary, maybe. Only thing is she might go back and tell him about the talk...I don't know that I'd be ok with that. I don't want him to think I'm too immature to talk to him myself. I could ask Mary to keep it all a secret, but how knows if she really would or not. I think deep down I would just be hoping like crazy for her to say, "he loves you, he loves you!!

 

He works nights for the next 4 nights in a row, there's a chance I won't see at all again until Monday! But I really start to miss him after a couple days. I was thinking of calling him this weekend just to say hi and see how he's doing. And he's still sleeping on the couch every night..it's because of that darn video game that he can't stop once he starts...so by the time he even got my bed, it'd be time for me to get up!!

 

Have fun tonight I'll be thinking about you!!

[LoveLace]

Hope, dying to know how dinner went! What's the scoop?

[hope1975]

ahhh I missed u!!! sorry I haven't been on...I've had a full on couple of days!!!

 

well dinner was good but we talked about all business stuff, nothing really personal, he got a bit shirty cos I kept getting a bit distracted, but we had a good phone conversation last night. He's such a sweet guy! and I know he cares about me, but just not in "that" way I don't think, but what I love about him is that he understands me so much more then most other people. except you of course

 

SO basically I had a good time but nothing happened as usual oh well

how's things going with Tom?? any news??..c'mon, fill me in with everything that's happened in the past couple of days!!!

[LoveLace]

I've missed you too! Was starting to worry he he...well I'm glad you had a good time. It sounds like you are totally ok with the way he feels, which is good. It sounds like you have a very good friend in him also which is even better. Somehow I don't know if I can be as accepting!

 

Tom and I didn't see each other since Tuesday, due to our work schedules, but I purposely fell asleep on the couch last night to see him when he got home from work. I had to get up real early this morning, but I even saw him a couple minutes I was ok with that. I expected him around 3am, but I woke up to his arrival at 5am. He was all smiles and walked over to me, put his hand on me and said "How are you doing!" I sat up, half asleep and mumbled..he asked if I went out but I said no cuz I have to be up in 2 hours! He said oh my gosh..then I started to carry the blanket back to his room and he said "good night baby" (yea but he calls all girls baby from what I can tell...long time since I was baby though!)....I then turned and went for a hug, the kind with my arms around his neck again...and OMG we held each other for at least a whole minute and it felt so good. Then he put the blanket away for me and said you poor girl...because of nursing school the schedule is hectic right now and he knows I've been working my a** off for the last 2 weeks.

 

I think he was high though, on the cola, cuz for one thing he wasn't home until 5am, which means he hung out with his friends a couple hours before coming home. And he seemed a bit energetic for being at work all night...normally he's tired and ready to get home and hit the couch. I just know he's up to it. And next time I know it for sure, I'm going to call him on it. But I'll be as caring about it as possible. I will tell him I love him too much not to say anything, I almost want to cry just thinking about it. I got up at 7am and expected him to be on the couch playing video games or sleeping..but no kids are here this weekend, and for the 1st time in 2 weeks, he slept in his own bed. His door was closed but I heard the TV going. It's possible a girl even came over, but I saw no signs of female shoes or jackets laying around. Tomorrow I gotta be up at 6am, so I don't plan on waiting up for him again tonight...but I might tomorrow night. I do know that, by Thursday I was really starting to feel like I missed him and couldn't wait to see him again, and the long hug felt like he felt the same. But I still wonder if his condition at that time contributes to his niceness...I've been high on coke. It makes you feel guilty, cuz your hiding it, but you feel good, happy, and it's not on purpose but you are naturally more friendly, to compensate for the guilt. So it's almost as though these bouts of affection with him only stem from that. I don't know if the hug would've happened the same way, had he been totally straight.

 

Or do you think I'm just reading into that too much? And I've decided, when I tell him I love him, I think I should still move out, and he can date me then if he wants, like normal people do. That way, we wouldn't feel tied to each other, and maybe a natural relationship could develop, without the stress surrounding us as roommates. If he actually agreed and put this into action, it could be the only to know if we are meant to be.

[LoveLace]

Oh geez..blowing his nose today...looking thin...dying to say something and worried he'll get mad at me. When he left for work today his shirt was tucked into his jeans and his waist looked smaller than I remember..unless I'm just looking too much here..He got ready for work as soon as he woke up and was gone 5 minutes later. He was being friendly but no hugs or anything. So why'd it gor from a long nice hug to nothing?

[hope1975]

hello chicky!!

just read your posts, 2 things...he really sounds like he's interested in you & also sounds like he's doing coke, but I honestly don't think that one has anything to do with the other, I think, if anything, it just gives him more confidence to be able to act around you the way he really wants to.

 

I think that what you said about moving out after you tell him & then you guys might be able to have a normal relationship, sounds really sensible. You'll probably love having your own place anyway,

 

I've been really busy with work & Tims been calling me a fair bit which is nice. I have a big meeting this morning and I think I'm gonna be in trouble cos I took off from work yesterday for an hour to have coffee with that guy again! I don't think my boss is impressed. He asked me to get him an iced chocolate while I was out & gave me the money, but I stayed out for an hour & he had to come looking for me!! so I think I'm in a bit of trouble....oh well, what can you do

 

all my familys been sick with some viral infection that's going around so I've been busy trying to help them, but I'm scared I'm gonna catch it now!! and I can't afford to get sick....my boss'll kill me if I need time off on top of everything else.

 

Well I'd better go & get ready for this meeting...I can't be late...I'll let you know how it goes!!

 

keep smiling xx

[LoveLace]

Gosh I hope you don't get sick and I hope everyone's feeling better soon. So Tim's been calling and you met up with the coffee guy again, how cool! I'm happy for you! But just when you say Tim doesn't feel the same as you he starts calling a lot, I just still don't know about that!

 

I'm not feeling too great about Tom though, due to what's happened...I was off work yesterday so I went out Sunday night and got a little tipsy! I got home before him but it was close to his time off work so I called but got his voice mail. I left a happy voice mail (I feel so silly now) and said "I just wanted to see what you were doin' cuz I just love you sooo much!" It just came out, I didn't mean for it to!

 

So he never calls and I went to bed. The next day I slept all day! I saw him when I got up and joked that I was on his schedule now. Then he said he was going back to bed soon cuz he has to get up early (it was about 4pm). I said how early? He says One a.m. I asked why 1 a.m? To go meet Tracy he says. I asked who Tracy was, he replies "this girl I've been seeing". Then, I went into my room to study and then went back to sleep, and didn't see again until this morning cuz he slept on the couch. But he definitely must have went out cuz he was still sleeping when I left home today at f***king 4:30pm. He's got all 3 kids there right now, and the dirty dishes are overflowing all over the counter. If I get home from school tonight and the dishes are still there I'm going to explode in his face. He neglects **** like this and goes with girls instead, while his kids are there. And I"m absolutely pissed that he a)never called me back that night and b) that he tells me about a girl he's seeing the very next morning after I leave him a voice mail like that.

 

So I just feel like we're back to square one and I'm so frustrated and feel like an idiot too. I don't feel like he's even a good friend right now. I believe you when you tell me he's interested, but now I wonder if it's just in both of our heads. I feel very hurt and angry right now. What should I do!!?

[hope1975]

you poor thing!!

This guy sends so many mixed signals, it's crazy!!

Maybe when you left him that voicemail, he thought you were kidding especially if you were tipsy, or maybe he thought you were being sarcastic....what sort of voice did you say it in? was it like a dead serious voice or a happy, mucking around voice?

 

Why does he go & meet girls at 1am? that seems like an odd hour to be going on a date...do you think he was telling the truth?

 

It must be crowded with all the kids there...have you spoken to him about memorial weekend yet?

 

men are so weird, I'll never understand them...The moment I tell you Tims been calling me all the time, he stops calling!!...I know he's probably busy with work, but today's friday & he knows I go out most friday nights, so I wouldn't be surprised if I get a phone call tonight....just to check if i'm out or not, that's all it'll be....I'll let you know.

 

I was thinking, why do I waste my time with someone who's probably not interested in me, and I realised that I enjoy the challenge & now I don't know if I really really like tim or if I just like the challenge....if he really wanted me, would I still want him? I dunno now.

 

Maybe that's what attracts you to tom as well, the challenge, and the fact that we can't have them...what do you think?

[LoveLace]

How's the family? All in good health I hope!

 

I admit my voice message was pretty much sarcastic + being tipsy, I'm sure he didn't think much of it, and may not have even listened to it. But I get so fed up with him not returning my calls. "Tracy" is more than likely a waitress that works until 1am and that's why the date was at such an hour. I guess it makes sense if he dates people with the same kind of schedule as he. Otherwise if he was lying there only 1 reason for it I could think of, drugs. I don't think it was a lie though. Tues. night was when I saw him last and I gave him a hardcore cold shoulder. He asked me how school was yadda yadda and I completely ignored him and went to bed. Then I made sure to be gone all day Wed. because I just didn't want to see him.

 

Last night while he worked, all THREE of the kids were there and have been for a couple days. The mess of the apt. was just ridiculous. It drives me nuts that Tom lets it get disgusting before doing anything about it. Then the kids all go for a walk but I had friends that wanted to come over. So who gets stuck cleaning up the mess--me! Annoyed!

 

My mother said she would help if I could be the one to stay in the apt, cuz with work & school I shouldn't have to be the one to deal with moving out. Last night I called him for something while he was at work (after cleaning up after his lazy gross kids) and mentioned on the voice mail I had to discuss something with him. Never called back. I tried again later that night and this time I just told him everything on the voice mail, about my mother's idea. Now it's the following afternoon and I have yet to hear from him.

 

I think your right about the challenge, I really do! I see both of us going back and forth with our own interest here. Tom is not the kind of guy I've pictured myself with, in fact at this point I dislike him just as much as I love him, and think he's quite selfish, and I don't feel that he's appreciated or realized what I do for him cuz it's more than a "roommate", that's for sure. I don't care if I made him mad by ignoring him the other night. Weather he heard my message or not, we just held each other hugging the other night remember, and now he's announcing a date with "Tracy". I've spent the last few days thinking, I really just want him out of my life and if it's forever then fine; because I don't feel he respects enough as a friend or roommate, what makes me think he'd be more thoughtful as a boyfriend?

 

And Tim wants to know what your doing when your out, but claims not to want more with you. They think we play games, but look at this crap they are both putting us through! However Tim sounds like a much better guy all around, than Tom is. Tim is probably a valuable friend to have. Tom doesn't seem to care who he hurts. Either way, I say we both find a new guy to tell each other about!!

 

Or am I just pointing out these negative things about Tom because he's hurt me? I don't even know anymore. It's tiring to think the world of him one day and to hate him the next. I feel like all I've done is be patient and understanding with everything that suits him (other then having girls over...I hate it so much) and that I've loved him with my whole heart (in a silent kind of way) and he seems totally blind to the meaning of it all. I've just gotten to the point where I'm learning to tolerate some things better; but other things like him not calling me back, I can't just learn to be ok with that.

 

It makes me sad that we've been on this roller coaster and I have a bad feeling it's not going to end well, but he's stressed me out in so many ways, I can't wait to see how happy how I feel when he and his kids are not around to bug the s**t out of me!

[hope1975]

The family's getting better, slowly, thanks...it was a nasty virus

 

From what I've heard men say, I think most of the time they are totally clueless to a girls feelings...I don't think they know when a girls interested unless she comes straight out & tells them.

 

I can't handle waiting for calls that never come either...it drives me mad, and that's one of tims biggest things...sometimes you have to wait forever for him to call back, makes me feel like I'm the last thing on his mind...especially when you send them a text message and they can't take 2 seconds to reply to it. I'm gonna text tim this morning and see if he replies. I've called him the last 2 nights in a row and got no response. You get to the point where you just think f**k em!

 

I think part of it is frustration that it's going no where...with you & tom and with me & tim as well. That's the biggest thing for me is that I get so frustrated.

 

How old is this tracy girl, is she anything to worry about do you think? or is she just another one of his young girls?

 

he should be cleaning up after his kids not taking off & leaving it up to you. I would maybe gently say something to him about it. 5 people is alot to have in one small apartment...that'd drive me mad. how long are they staying for?

 

let me know how things go....i can totally understand why you're so confused right now, and why you both love & hate him at the same time. He's not treating you right, even as a friend at this point...I wonder if he has other problems in his life that you don't know about, cos he seems very distracted. either that or he's being a bit ignorant. but like I said, men don't pick up on hints like we do, sometimes you have to be very abrupt...so I wouldn't take it too personally yet...maybe he simply doesn't realise what he's doing...you may have to spell it out for him

 

I'm thinking of you

[LoveLace]

Yes, frustrated to the point where the interest is gone. The feeling I had when he held me the other night is just non-existent now. I don't know anything about Tracy at all, it was the 1st I heard of her, don't know her age or anything. I don't ask. And it's actually not unusual for him to leave a mess before he goes to work, but he normally will clean up when he gets home later or ask the kids to do it before he gets home. But if I got friends coming over and I want it cleaned up NOW, it has to be me, obviously he doesn't think of these things. He sleeps a majority of the day weather he works or not. But he was off Tues. night and he could have cleaned up then, but no.

 

I do know he has other problems: money, possibly the drugs, and legal things that involve the kids and their mother. And of course now that we're splitting, he has the problem of finding another place to live and getting a better job to afford it. But guess what...I have other problems and things to worry about too. And I might get crabby or bitchy sometimes; but I'm not ignorant enough to ignore his calls or treat him like s**t because of it. So other problems are not an excuse to me, but who knows. Your right he isn't treating me like a "friend" so why would I chance a relationship with him?

 

But I agree with you too about guys not picking up on hints. I know better than to think they do! I'm experienced enough to know that you have to tell guys straight out what your feelings are or what you want, etc. They mostly just take things literally, so it's about pointless to hope they just figure us out! What if he asks me why I ignored him the other night? What will I say, because of Tracy, some girl I don't even know?! Because he hugged and held me and then went out on a date? Just sounds silly to say! ...thinking of you too..thanks for the advice..