GregsBad Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Yes I want my bf to only fantasize about me because he has no need to think about screwing other women. I should be all he needs and wants. The reason he says he was into porn before is because he didn't get to see a naked woman in real life so he had to settle for porn..... so now that he has a real naked woman he has no need for the porn. So then your issue is NOT just PORN. It's also what your BF THINKS about while he's masturbating.
GregsBad Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Rain, You mentioned that you've taken off some weight. How tall are you and how much do you weigh now?
rainfall Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Rain, It was suggested by you that just as a cat can be trained to fetch like a dog ... you could also train your BF to fantasize ONLY about YOU. I believe you could train a cat - I don't believe you've really trained your BF. The thought that you WANT to control someone like that is strange to me. The thought that he's letting you think so ??? Does he read this thread? I don;t think he reads this. However he knows I post on here and he knows my username so he could if he felt the need. Why is it strange that I want to be with someone who is satisfied with me and doesn't need to think of strangers to get off? Really for me if I knew he thought of other women while he masturbated and I still stayed with him I would find myself to be pathetic and sad. Why do I need that kind of disrespect in my life?
GregsBad Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 I don;t think he reads this. However he knows I post on here and he knows my username so he could if he felt the need. Why is it strange that I want to be with someone who is satisfied with me and doesn't need to think of strangers to get off? Really for me if I knew he thought of other women while he masturbated and I still stayed with him I would find myself to be pathetic and sad. Why do I need that kind of disrespect in my life? You do much more than just WANT him to think only of you. You're very controlling sbout it. That's not very healthy.
rainfall Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 You do much more than just WANT him to think only of you. You're very controlling sbout it. That's not very healthy. So its not healthy to want to be in a relationship where your partner finds you attractive enough to get turned on by only you? To answer your other question... I am 5 foot and I weight 103.
GregsBad Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 So its not healthy to want to be in a relationship where your partner finds you attractive enough to get turned on by only you? WANTING something is quite different than DEMANDING it. You've made it very clear here that you've threatened to dump him if he let's on that he thinks of others during masturbation. Then he's told you what you want to hear.
GregsBad Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 To answer your other question... I am 5 foot and I weight 103. Not bad - very petite! And congratulations. But you said you've lost some weight. That's a phrase often used by girls who recently lost some but still have a way to go.
rainfall Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Not bad - very petite! And congratulations. But you said you've lost some weight. That's a phrase often used by girls who recently lost some but still have a way to go. Yeah I guess maybe I phrased it wrong. However I don't think I need to lose any more weight or I would be in double digits weight wise and thats kind of low.
rainfall Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 WANTING something is quite different than DEMANDING it. You've made it very clear here that you've threatened to dump him if he let's on that he thinks of others during masturbation. Then he's told you what you want to hear. If I feel it is wrong for him to think about other women whil masturabting for me to stay with him knowing he does this would be lowing my standards. I also choose to belive him when he says he doesn't think of other women. There are guys like that. (not many probably but a few)
happygirl70 Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Rain (and anyone else who might get something from this message) - In a perfect world your vision of a relationship would be the standard, but this world is not perfect nor do I see it turning that way anytime soon. I certainly understand where you are coming from because I have felt that way myself. I have a wonderful husband who loves me dearly, but I would not for one minute assume that some attractive woman would walk by and he would not notice... I notice, so why wouldn't he? Whether he thinks about this woman he glanced at earlier while enjoying some "private time" I have no idea, nor do I have ANY control over that and I suspect that neither does he... it just happens. It is called the male "mental rolodex" where they can pick out images through the day and get turned on by them. I have read too much about male biology and seen too much in the real world to assume that I am the only woman he thinks of EVER. Am I ok with that? Sometimes I'm fine, sometimes I start feeling needy and have the burning desire to squash all the miscellaneous thoughts in his head, but even then I cannot control him!! [Right now I am 5 months pregnant, so I'm feeling a bit needy... pg hormones are brutal! So, this is a more difficult message to write than normal, so know that I'm not waxing poetic, this is how it is for me.] Fortunately he is such a good man and he is extremely discrete in his 'glimpses' and he rarely comments to me about it unless I say something first and his taste is very picky so he hates 'real life' girls who look like porn chics. Now that said, let me say I used to be really uptight and freaked out by the thought of my man thinking about anyone else. I had him up on a pedestal as if he could do no wrong and it was devastating to realize that he is a "man" with much of what comes with it. He would NEVER sleep around, but he does like to look and as long as I feel confident he doesn't really want to sleep with someone else, I'm ok. It took a lot of deep probing into myself before I came to terms with him looking a naked chics on the net and I had to really figure out what exactly MY problem was that made it such a huge issue for me. It was taking over my head and I had to make peace with it. I did that by really digging and found that I had, scattered throughout my past, men who viewed porn and had magazines, etc, that were not moral or good men and thus I equated porn with ALL bad things I knew about men. It was scary to me to think of my dh in that crowd of men, but I KNEW that HE was NOT and thus I had to rethink my concept of what was true. NOT all men who look at naked women are horrible creeps who do vile things. They can still be wonderful men who just like to look at women of all different body types and find them exciting and get turned on by them. I myself get very turned on my the sight and sound of people having sex. That doesn't mean I want to jump into the screen and DO any of them... yuck! but I do find it stimulating. And thus another reason I cannot say he is a bad guy for viewing it sometimes. And, am I enough? I struggle with this in MANY more areas than sex, so being ENOUGH is more about how *I* feel about myself, or you feel about yourself (you meaning the general term throughout), than whether your man has a 'gasm thinking about another chic. She is a 2 dimensional, flat, no-named chic and cannot compare to a real life, flesh and blood person, US! Given the choice between "she" or "you" at any given moment, I am certain a man would choose 'you', but that is not always an option and filling the gap is a need that they fill with porn, pics, or mental images. Also, my man is EASILY turned on my ME!! It is QUITE apparent that I am enough to get things moving, so he isn't dependent on anything else if I'm willing and available so that part I never worry about. Rain, I hope you take this in the spirit is was written, just giving my point of view on this. This was not an easy process. It took a lot of heavy conversations and me being very willing to be open to his thoughts and accepting of him as he is. It also took him listening to me and realizing that much of what he assumed was true of me was his version of putting me on a pedestal. Sometimes men get freaked out about asking the women they love to do things that they fantasize about, thinking that we will somehow be offended or will reject them. We are now so much more comfortable in expressing ourselves and that is a wonderful thing and has created a much better sexual relationship between us. Maybe that is where you are with your bf and that is GREAT! That is something precious that can come from not keeping someone in the 'picture frame' but allowing them to be in the real world and accepting them even with their flaws.
happygirl70 Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 ....Meaning, even though you see your bf's porn use as something threatening, that does not mean his use IS actually threatening to your relationship based on how he sees porn. Even though you believe it means he thinks you aren't enough or that sex with you isn't good or whatever it is you are dwelling on that hurts you most about it, that doesn't mean HE thinks you aren't enough, or that sex with you isn't good, or that he intends it in a hurtful way.... This was a very difficult concept for me to get my mind around, as I know it is for most women. We don't want another man, so why should our dh want to look at another woman? But that isn't how men translate things into their brains. They don't WANT that woman. I still have moments where it bugs me and I have to remind myself of this. It is much more about that chic that works in his office or the girl who serves him lunch that most of us need to be concerned with rather than porn. If you trust your man with them, then porn isn't that big a deal.
littlepiggy1 Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 I should be all he needs and wants. Not... biological... reality...
rainfall Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Not... biological... reality... I do not fall for that biological load of bs one bit. You say all people have biological needs to want to be with alot of people..... Well I have no desire what so ever to be with anyone but my man so if you find the right person you will not have to want someone esle. If you have the right person you will not need to think of anyone esle because the person you are with will fulfill all your desires. It might be very rare for people to be able to find that person but it does happen.
littlepiggy1 Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 I do not fall for that biological load of bs one bit. You say all people have biological needs to want to be with alot of people..... Well I have no desire what so ever to be with anyone but my man so if you find the right person you will not have to want someone esle. You're the exception, not the rule. Go read up on human sexuality. If you have the right person you will not need to think of anyone esle because the person you are with will fulfill all your desires. It might be very rare for people to be able to find that person but it does happen. No matter how much you feel personally, you can't go projecting that onto everyone else and try to claim that's how things "should" be. Reality doesn't work like that. Heck if reality did work like that, then I *should* have a million dollars, a lamborghini and a supermodel orgy.
rainfall Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 You're the exception, not the rule. Go read up on human sexuality. No matter how much you feel personally, you can't go projecting that onto everyone else and try to claim that's how things "should" be. Reality doesn't work like that. In reality alot of people I have talked to in real life say they fantasize and look at pron because of things they are unhappy with in their relationship. My friend says he looks at porn because of the lack of sex with his gf. (by her choice not his) He has said he really doesn't "fantasize" about other women. However since his gf only wants sex maybe once a week he uses porn to feel in the breaks. My cousin says he looks at porn because his gf has let herself go looks wise and he is not really that attracted to her anymore. Therefore he sometimes has to use porn to get in the mood to be with her. His own words..... "If my girlfriend wasn't so fat I wouldn't need to look at porn" Yeah he is kind of a jerk for saying that but it still shows that something missing in the relationship is what is causing him to seek out other women. You say I am the excetion I know from what other people have told me that if they were happier in their own relationship they would not need the fake women from porn and fantasy. However if I am the expection and my relationship is working for me don't try to tell me I am wrong and that I have no right to feel how I do. If I choose to feel that my man desiring other women is disrespectful and wrong then for me and my relationship it is.
Richard_J Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 You're the exception, not the rule. Go read up on human sexuality. No matter how much you feel personally, you can't go projecting that onto everyone else and try to claim that's how things "should" be. Reality doesn't work like that. Heck if reality did work like that, then I *should* have a million dollars, a lamborghini and a supermodel orgy. ..........................
littlepiggy1 Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 In reality alot of people I have talked to in real life say they fantasize and look at pron because of things they are unhappy with in their relationship. <snip> I'd be careful here. While no doubt porn and fantasy will likely arise in an unhappy relationship, this doesn't mean it's necessarily an indicator of an unhappy relationship. You have to be careful drawing conclusions from anecdotal evidence this way. You say I am the excetion I know from what other people have told me that if they were happier in their own relationship they would not need the fake women from porn and fantasy. So they say, but would that hold up under the microscope? Unless you have some sort of study to back this, you can't draw any real conclusions. Speaking for myself, I've used porn even while happy in a relationship. I would definitely say that my porn use decreased during such periods. But it didn't cease and neither did the occational thoughts about other women. FWIW, this is from the study I posted previously on extradyadic fantasies. This doesn't directly address relationship satisfaction, but it does touch on relationship length: In addition to the gender difference, a significant main effect for length of relationship emerged in the multiple regression. Individuals who had been in their current relationship for a longer period of time reported that a higher proportion of their fantasies involved someone other than their current partner. This finding implies that longer periods of time in a relationship may lead to a decrease in the excitement associated with fantasizing about one's partner, an increase in the excitement associated with fantasizing about someone else, or both. A positive association between length of relationship and extradyadic fantasies also implies that such fantasies do not interfere with the ability to maintain a relationship over time. It should be noted that the interaction of gender and relationship length was not significant. Therefore, it can be concluded that relationship length has the same effect on the proportion of extradyadic fantasies for both men and women. The lack of a significant interaction also means that regardless of length of relationship men are more likely to have a higher percentage of extradyadic sexual fantasies than are women. However if I am the expection and my relationship is working for me don't try to tell me I am wrong and that I have no right to feel how I do. I'm not telling you are wrong for the way you feel. I am telling you are wrong for projecting your feelings onto everyone else. For example, what if I claimed that I don't like chocolate ice cream, and therefore nobody else should eat it? Can you see the flaw in this reasoning?
littlepiggy1 Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Also, FWIW, this is from the UK BBC site on human sexuality/fantasy: Some people worry that fantasising about someone other than their partner is an act of betrayal, revealing either a desire to be unfaithful or that they are longer turned on by their partner alone. In fact, this is very rarely the case. Evidence suggests that those who fantasise the most are in happy, loving, trusting relationships. It's in this kind of context that the mind explores places the body has no intention of visiting. Unforunately, they don't provide any citations for this evidence, but assuming it does exist, it should be possible to find it.
rainfall Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I find it very hard to believe that people who fantasize about screwing people besides their partner are in the happiest and most loving relationship. I guess I can see the trust though because knowing every day that your partner thinks about sleeping with others would probably require you to have a great deal of trust to know they wouldn't actually act out the fantasy. My relationship is very happy and loving and I don't see how a relationship where the man (or women) can't even get turned on by thiniong about their partner can be considered more loving then one where you don't need outside help to get turned on.
littlepiggy1 Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I find it very hard to believe that people who fantasize about screwing people besides their partner are in the happiest and most loving relationship. I guess I can see the trust though because knowing every day that your partner thinks about sleeping with others would probably require you to have a great deal of trust to know they wouldn't actually act out the fantasy. My relationship is very happy and loving and I don't see how a relationship where the man (or women) can't even get turned on by thiniong about their partner can be considered more loving then one where you don't need outside help to get turned on. Well just accept that you don't "get" it and move on. Accept your relationship, accept what you believe, and just stop worrying about what everyone else is doing.
rainfall Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Well just accept that you don't "get" it and move on. Accept your relationship, accept what you believe, and just stop worrying about what everyone else is doing. I accept it just find until someone comes on here and tells me that my bf is lying to me and he secretly wants to screw other women. I have a big problem with people trying to tell me my whole relationship is based on a lie.
littlepiggy1 Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I accept it just find until someone comes on here and tells me that my bf is lying to me and he secretly wants to screw other women. I have a big problem with people trying to tell me my whole relationship is based on a lie. Of course you have a problem. Who wouldn't have a problem being told their SO is a liar? All I'm doing is going by the data. The data I've seen put the number of men who fantasize while in a relationship at 98%. Or, 1 in 50 didn't fantasize. If you believe your b/f is the one in 50, then be happy and enjoy your relationship.
zeldazelda Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 rainfall, i think you just have a very smart man who insists on not letting you know about something that will hurt you, and that allows you to believe what you need to believe to be happy. i don't see anything wrong with that, after all his fantasies are his own, but he keeps his thoughts private for YOU, instead of hiding it from you as a secret. he obviously knows how you feel about it, and being so careful that you don't get hurt by it is what counts, in my book.
new_stella Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I will never understand why people go into such trouble to ‘explain’ to rainfall that her bf is lying. For heaven’s sake, why do you need to get so aggressive and arrogant with her? Can you allow yourself to believe just for a second that the guy is maybe, just maybe telling the truth? You accuse her of being close minded. How close minded are you if you can’t accept that there are perfectly normal people who do not think like you do. Not everyone who doesn’t share your opinion is lying. Seriously people, sometimes I think you are just jealous.
new_stella Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Not bad - very petite! And congratulations. OMG, and now she needs to explain her weight to you! So if she was 20 pounds heavier, what would be your response? BTW, how long is your ****?
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