Issues with boyfriend and porn

[Hugh_950]

RF123 (the OP) I think has a right to be upset because maybe she would not have been with him if he had been more forthcoming about his porn use early on.

 

He took away her right to have made that decision, way before having a child. The point is not wether it is good or bad or if most guys do it or not, she did not know he did until very recently....If a guy is forthcoming about it, then the woman has a choice wether to be okay with it or not.

 

I feel bad for people who are married for years then *wham* wife finds out hubby is hardcore porn fiend. This does not apply to the OP's situation but my point is- men don't have a right to hide that info if it is part of their lifestyle.

 

Getting back to topic-If he misled his SO by hiding that fact, then she finds out when --say-she is pregnant after 2 years into the relationship--he owes it to her to come to a compromise that is suitable for HER.... PERIOD. She needs to break it down like that-that maybe it would not have been something she would have tolerated but seeing that she just found out now.....it is on him to do something about it.

 

It would be different if she knew from day 1 and 2 years later was asking him to quit it.

 

When people change radically within the relationship or something hidden comes out, the offended party has the right to request it goes back to how it was before or the relationship is in jeopardy.

 

Men-just be forthcoming and give the woman a right to choose. Because when it comes out later all hell will break loose.....

 

ALL men masturbate except for the ones you wouldn't want to marry.

 

Most men mean well when entering marriage, or getting serious about a girl, honestly thinking they'll be able to stop.

 

No, it NOT very likely that he'll reveal this to you. Maybe the masturbation - rarely, but very rarely will a BF tell his GF that he now fantacizes and likely will continue after marrying or moving in.

 

That's the way it is. Period.

 

How you will deal with it is up to you, but if it has to be (in your mid) that he never does it? Well then you've chosen a solution that is not a real solution.

[Hugh_950]

Actually some men don't want to screw other women. Just because YOU do and maybe the majority of men do doesn't mean everyman does. Some people are actually happy with their partner and view them picturing some random chick naked on top of them as wrong.

 

I don't need to "lower" my expectations of my man. Its probably just as rare to find the man who doesn't need to think of others as it is to find the man who tells his wife "honey you are attractive enough for me so I need porn"

 

See, You equate fantasies with actually wanting to cheat. Your're the one saying one equals the other, but it doesn't - not always.

 

I still maintian that even if your man won't cheat, and loves you, which Im sure he does love you, and even doesn't "want to screw other women", he still will most definitely fantacize about it.

 

What about dreams? Does he tell you he doesn't dream about other women?

 

I'm just trying to help, honestly.

[rainfall]

See, You equate fantasies with actually wanting to cheat. Your're the one saying one equals the other, but it doesn't - not always.

 

I still maintian that even if your man won't cheat, and loves you, which Im sure he does love you, and even doesn't "want to screw other women", he still will most definitely fantacize about it.

 

What about dreams? Does he tell you he doesn't dream about other women?

 

I'm just trying to help, honestly.

 

See you aren't trying to help. You are trying to tell me my boyfriend is a liar who doesn't find me attractive enough to be satisfied with only me. Not everyman fantasizes. You can not say that unless you havve talked to every single man on the planet. If he thinks about another women there is something missing from our realtionship whether it is sex or his attraction to me or whatever esle it may be.

[GregsBad]

See you aren't trying to help. You are trying to tell me my boyfriend is a liar who doesn't find me attractive enough to be satisfied with only me. Not everyman fantasizes. You can not say that unless you havve talked to every single man on the planet. If he thinks about another women there is something missing from our realtionship whether it is sex or his attraction to me or whatever esle it may be.

 

Maybe Hugh could be more tactful.

 

Your BF probably does love you, even if thoughts cross his mind.

[Hugh_950]

See you aren't trying to help. You are trying to tell me my boyfriend is a liar who doesn't find me attractive enough to be satisfied with only me. Not everyman fantasizes. You can not say that unless you havve talked to every single man on the planet. If he thinks about another women there is something missing from our realtionship whether it is sex or his attraction to me or whatever esle it may be.

 

I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sure he does love you and that he's being honest with you.

[littlepiggy1]

See you aren't trying to help. You are trying to tell me my boyfriend is a liar who doesn't find me attractive enough to be satisfied with only me. Not everyman fantasizes. You can not say that unless you havve talked to every single man on the planet. If he thinks about another women there is something missing from our realtionship whether it is sex or his attraction to me or whatever esle it may be.

 

Sure, not every single man fantasizes. Only about 98% of them do.

[Hugh_950]

See you aren't trying to help. You are trying to tell me my boyfriend is a liar who doesn't find me attractive enough to be satisfied with only me. Not everyman fantasizes. You can not say that unless you havve talked to every single man on the planet. If he thinks about another women there is something missing from our realtionship whether it is sex or his attraction to me or whatever esle it may be.

 

I read the rest of this thread and think I need to reassure Rain a little further.

 

Dear Rain,

 

I'm sure that he NEVER fantacizes, about another woman, because a man in love with such an attractive woman, as you must be, just would never do such a thing.

 

Why even in his dreams, when another beautiful woman hits on him, he actually spurns her advances, because he loves you ... oh wait, wait, let me correct that. In fact, youre BF never even dreams that another girl would came at him. Yea, that's it .... he never dreams of other women. Because, well, you do know how a dream could sort of hang in there through the day ... so that probably wouldn't happen ... right then, no dreams either, no daytime fantasies.

 

What a guy! I'm totally unworthy!

 

You don't dream of others either ... do you Rain?

 

There now ... all better?

 

Excuse me everyone, I've gotta' log off and go puke!

[littlepiggy1]

Excuse me everyone, I've gotta' log off and go puke!

 

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

[Hugh_950]

Sure, not every single man fantasizes. Only about 98% of them do.

 

The rest are eunuchs!

[Hugh_950]

Look,

 

I'm just trying to be honest. A guy can love his sweetie very very deeply and stilll have other thoughts, even fantacies, even masturbate. It does NOT mean he doesn't lover her.

 

If she equates that with not loving her then she's applying something she learned from the past, her parents, her upbringing, from the planet Venus (where men don't do that) ... or from somewhere other than here and now. She's causing her own pain with an impossible expectation that she's grown in her own brain.

 

And the part about - he's a liar unless he tells her up front??? C'mon girls ... do you want to know the truth about men? Or do you want men to be the way YOU think they ought to be?

 

I have a buddy who tells his wife that he jerks off. She's known it from before marriage. Sometimes he'll come in to her magazine stash, right in front of her, grab a Cosmopolitan and go into the bathroom. So they have a real open relationship that just sorta' really freaks me (and my GF) out! It makes me squirm to think that ANYONE, especially my sweetie, would really truly know - espcially at the time.

 

I love my GF. She's statuesque, sexy, likes it as much as me, jumps my bones every chance she gets, as I do hers. I won't cheat on her. But there is that little masturbation (and fantacy) problem. She know it too but says, that's OK becuase all men are pigs (she loves me). Then she says, but if I ever cheat, she'll cut my b*lls off.

 

Now I'm sure she masturbates, I won't corner her on it though. I seriously suspect that she fantacizes, and it hurts me to linger on that thought too long so I don't ... but it is what it is and I deal with it. I lover her and I trust her.

 

My point is that masturbation and fantacies do not equal lack of love.

Lying ??? Well I think people just need a pass on hat one too.

 

So rather than trying to covince Rain that her BF still loves er even though ...

Maybe I could reassure many other girls that they're man really lovers her, even though he does the big nasty.

[GregsBad]

There now ... all better?

 

Excuse me everyone, I've gotta' log off and go puke!

 

Hugh, You're a first class a-hole.

[Hugh_950]

Hugh, You're a first class a-hole.

 

Thanks ... but not yet, I'm working at it - it takes time.

 

You have to have attained 1st class a-hole, yourself, to bestow that on to me.

Are you? I'd appreciate a field promotion.

[Hugh_950]

Well??? What about it?

[GregsBad]

Thanks ... but not yet, I'm working at it - it takes time.

 

You have to have attained 1st class a-hole, yourself, to bestow that on to me.

Are you?

 

No. I am not.

[Hugh_950]

No. I am not.

 

Oh ... I was hopin'

 

But don't get me wrong buddy, I do appreciate the thought

[Jersey Shortie]

Lets just be honest here. Men don't love anyone but themselves. The fact is since men can't really ever be loyal and are always thinking about all the women they can't have, they just shouldn't get into relationships with real women because they just end up hurting them anyway. Just stick with the masturbation and porn since it is what is really important to men and stop hurting the real woman in your life because you can't be a decent man.

 

Will this ever happen? probably not because at the end of the day it's a man's world. Women just want their guy to love them and men want to defend their right to all things porn until they pass out. Because that is what is important to them.

[rainfall]

Look,

 

I'm just trying to be honest. A guy can love his sweetie very very deeply and stilll have other thoughts, even fantacies, even masturbate. It does NOT mean he doesn't lover her.

 

If she equates that with not loving her then she's applying something she learned from the past, her parents, her upbringing, from the planet Venus (where men don't do that) ... or from somewhere other than here and now. She's causing her own pain with an impossible expectation that she's grown in her own brain.

 

And the part about - he's a liar unless he tells her up front??? C'mon girls ... do you want to know the truth about men? Or do you want men to be the way YOU think they ought to be?

 

I have a buddy who tells his wife that he jerks off. She's known it from before marriage. Sometimes he'll come in to her magazine stash, right in front of her, grab a Cosmopolitan and go into the bathroom. So they have a real open relationship that just sorta' really freaks me (and my GF) out! It makes me squirm to think that ANYONE, especially my sweetie, would really truly know - espcially at the time.

 

I love my GF. She's statuesque, sexy, likes it as much as me, jumps my bones every chance she gets, as I do hers. I won't cheat on her. But there is that little masturbation (and fantacy) problem. She know it too but says, that's OK becuase all men are pigs (she loves me). Then she says, but if I ever cheat, she'll cut my b*lls off.

 

Now I'm sure she masturbates, I won't corner her on it though. I seriously suspect that she fantacizes, and it hurts me to linger on that thought too long so I don't ... but it is what it is and I deal with it. I lover her and I trust her.

 

My point is that masturbation and fantacies do not equal lack of love.

Lying ??? Well I think people just need a pass on hat one too.

 

So rather than trying to covince Rain that her BF still loves er even though ...

Maybe I could reassure many other girls that they're man really lovers her, even though he does the big nasty.

 

Oh come on if you really love someone why would you even want to think of someone esle sexually. The person you claim you "love" is missing something otherwise you wouldn't need to have outside help in order to get turned on.

 

Maybe saying that it means they don't love their partner is a little strong, but it defiantly means they aren't 100% happy in the relationship.

To answer you question no I do not think of anyone esle besides my man sexually ever. Also....... he has told me that he doesn't look at porn anymore because he has no need to. (so yes that would make him a liar ifI found out he did)

[rainfall]

I read the rest of this thread and think I need to reassure Rain a little further.

 

Dear Rain,

 

I'm sure that he NEVER fantacizes, about another woman, because a man in love with such an attractive woman, as you must be, just would never do such a thing.

 

Why even in his dreams, when another beautiful woman hits on him, he actually spurns her advances, because he loves you ... oh wait, wait, let me correct that. In fact, youre BF never even dreams that another girl would came at him. Yea, that's it .... he never dreams of other women. Because, well, you do know how a dream could sort of hang in there through the day ... so that probably wouldn't happen ... right then, no dreams either, no daytime fantasies.

 

What a guy! I'm totally unworthy!

 

You don't dream of others either ... do you Rain?

 

There now ... all better?

 

Excuse me everyone, I've gotta' log off and go puke!

 

no I do not dream of others....

[Tangerina]

I think Hugh is tactless but right. I think maybe Rain has a realistic interpretation of her relationship and is really with a guy who feels the same way as her, but I think 99.99999% of people think of other people.

 

Also, what is the big deal about masturbating? I do it all the time. I don't care if my boy knows about it. I don't care if he knows I think about Ewan McGreggor's bum in that one scene in Velvet Goldmine where he's in bed with Johnathan Rhys Meyers. I'm not gonna leave my boyfriend for the mental image of Ewan McGreggor's bum, I love my boyfriend! My boy looks at porn sometimes, so what? He would never physically cheat on me, so what's the harm? Since we've been together I masturbate a lot less to build sexual tension but if we aren't going to see each other for a week then what's the harm? I'm not gonna hide it from him. On top of that, when I masturbate it is solely a feel good thing, and a loving myself thing. When I have sex with him it really means something and the fact that I am really comfortable and familiar with my own body's sexual response makes sex better for both of us. He pretty much stopped masturbating altogether when we got together but it isn't some weird thing where he thinks people in relationships can no longer have a sexual relationship with themselves, but simply because it builds awesome sexual tension and our sex is great, but it wouldn't be wrong for him to do it if he wanted to.

 

I'm just saying this all as my own truth. It sounds like Rain was raised or came to believe that fantasizing is wrong and so she doesn't do it (though I have a hard time believing that someone has never has an unintentional impure thought at the sight of a sexy guy on TV or something, it's a biological response.) This is Rain's truth and she is totally entitled to it but that doesn't mean it is universal truth, if two people are both totally morally ok with fantasizing then that is their truth and that is fine too. It sounds like Hugh is fine with fantasizing and doesn't mind if his girlfriend does either, but would be uncomfortable sharing those parts of their lives too much and likes to keep it as an open 'secret.' In my case, I would tell my boy anything he wanted to know about my solo sex life and wouldn't have a problem hearing about his unless his fantasies involved something like his ex or a dog or something, but he's entitled to do whatever he wants with his own imagination and as long as he continues to be an awesome and faithful boyfriend then whatever. We all have different boundaries within our relationships and as long as both people are ok with it there is no right or wrong.

[Tangerina]

Just in my humble opinion as well, I think one huge problem with our western notion of romantic love is the idea that one person can be everything to you. A lot of people are unhappy and relationships fail because of an ingrained belief in this fallacy. A healthy person has a large network of friends to support them emotionally, and each relationship is different and provides a different kind of support. Just as one person can't supply all your emotional needs neither can one person be such a perfect match that every single sexual need of both people is met forever and ever. Most of us choose to be in mutually monogamous relationships with someone we really care about and are attracted to but there is so much compromise necessary. I like oral sex more than my boyfriend, I'm more overtly sexual and want to do it more often. He likes gentler sex than I do and mostly likes to do it at night. It doesn't mean we are sexually incompatible but it just means a lot of communication and compromise is necessary. Sure if I was sleeping around maybe I could get more oral sex or whatever, but I really love my boy and I like all the emotional benefits of being in a monogamous relationship, but it doesn't mean I love my boy less if I occasionally think... geez, it would be nice if someone would do XYZ to me. It doesn't mean he is 'missing something,' it means that we are two unique individuals with our own likes and dislikes trying to make a go of it because we love each other like crazy.

[littlepiggy1]

Oh come on if you really love someone why would you even want to think of someone esle sexually. The person you claim you "love" is missing something otherwise you wouldn't need to have outside help in order to get turned on.

 

Rainfall, you're never going to accept what anyone else ever says on the subject, so why are you even going on about this? Your views of love, sex and fantasy are weird. So you might as well stop projecting already.

[new_stella]

Girls, listen to what the guys are telling you!

 

Men are liars and there is nothing wrong with that.

To expect otherwise is unrealistic.

To believe your man is honest is just plain weird.

 

Normal, non controlling relationship in which partners respect each other should look like this:

She know it too but says, that's OK becuase all men are pigs (she loves me). Then she says, but if I ever cheat, she'll cut my b*lls off.

 

Jesus!

And I though I was the one with the problem.

[rainfall]

Rainfall, you're never going to accept what anyone else ever says on the subject, so why are you even going on about this? Your views of love, sex and fantasy are weird. So you might as well stop projecting already.

 

No I will never accept that it is ok for my man to want to screw other women. I will never accept that when we have sex he pretends I am someone esle. If he wants to be in a relationship like that then he can find someone who is ok with that or who is willing to put up with being a "lesser choice."

 

My opinons on relationships are different then yours, but that does not make them wrong. I really have tried to think about it and I just can't understand how it is not a reflection on the SO when they have to think of someone besides them to get turned on.

 

My views on sex, love, and fantasy work for me and my relationship. They are not weird, maybe they are just in the minority. Or maybe people just believe that all men are like that so they settle for the fact that their SO does it.

[littlepiggy1]

My opinons on relationships are different then yours, but that does not make them wrong.

 

Exactly, your opinions are different. But when you say,

 

"Oh come on if you really love someone why would you even want to think of someone esle sexually. The person you claim you "love" is missing something otherwise you wouldn't need to have outside help in order to get turned on."

you are projecting your views onto others. This isn't the first time, either.

 

I really have tried to think about it and I just can't understand how it is not a reflection on the SO when they have to think of someone besides them to get turned on.

 

Then just accept the fact that you don't "get" it. You don't need to go projecting that onto everyone else.

 

My views on sex, love, and fantasy work for me and my relationship. They are not weird, maybe they are just in the minority.

 

"Weird" was the wrong word. I should have said "atypical".

 

Or maybe people just believe that all men are like that so they settle for the fact that their SO does it.

 

You're never going to get it. People are not going to be what they are not.

[littlepiggy1]

Girls, listen to what the guys are telling you!

 

Men are liars and there is nothing wrong with that.

To expect otherwise is unrealistic.

To believe your man is honest is just plain weird.

 

Not just men, but people in general. We all lie. All the time. Mostly little white lies, sometimes bigger lies. It's part of the weird social fabric that binds us together and makes us what we are.

 

On that note, I was reading an interesting study on lying and relationships (and I do loves me studies ). Part of it referred to the fact that if a person lied and the person being lied to believed the lie, the person being lied to was better off emotionally. IOW, it's better to believe a lie than be suspicious of the truth. I guess ignorance really is bliss.