Issues with boyfriend and porn

[littlepiggy1]

You don't know for sure what is in his head either. Another reason I post in these threads is it annoys me when you tell me he is lying.

 

No, I don't know what's in his head. But as I've already explained, in your situation what's in his head is entirely irrelevant. All that matters is he tells you he doesn't fantasize and that you believe him. Any other situation and you wouldn't have a relationship, right?

 

And why should it annoy you? If you believe him, why does it matter what *I* think? I mean, you're getting opinions from random internet strangers. Take 'em for what they're worth.

[cn283]

If he uses porn and thinks about others women then I am missing something otherwise he wouldn't need all that.

If he thinks about screwing other women he can get out of my life because I do not need someone like that in my life. Honestly do you really think if a man is going to fantasize he limits what is safe and not safe.

Not safe being during sex or thinking about your best friend.

For the perfume thing.... he thinks perfume stinks and that women wear waaaaaaay to much of it so not sure how to answer that, but I don't think a guy has ever wanted to sleep with someone because of how her perfume smells.

Why can't you accept that maybe just maybe my bf doesn't think about screwing other women? Just because you don't have (or maybe don't want) that in your relationship doesn't mean every relationship is like that.

 

Why do you jump to this conclusion? Your saying that it's absolutely 100% impossible that a guy has enough self control to look at porn and it not be damaging to the relationship? You have a very low opinion of men, and yes I honestly do think MY bf is capable of distinguishing fantasy from reality, as am I. The perfume thing was an example, not to be taken literally, much like porn...I didn't say I don't accept that your bf doesn't think about other women, I said it's scary for you to demand it. Yes, I would rather have a happy healthy relationship based on trust than to play the thought police. You keep saying every relationship doesn't involve fantasy, well I'm just saying every guy looking at porn or fantasizing doesn't mean their women are not enough.

[rainfall]

Why do you jump to this conclusion? Your saying that it's absolutely 100% impossible that a guy has enough self control to look at porn and it not be damaging to the relationship? You have a very low opinion of men, and yes I honestly do think MY bf is capable of distinguishing fantasy from reality, as am I. The perfume thing was an example, not to be taken literally, much like porn...I didn't say I don't accept that your bf doesn't think about other women, I said it's scary for you to demand it. Yes, I would rather have a happy healthy relationship based on trust than to play the thought police. You keep saying every relationship doesn't involve fantasy, well I'm just saying every guy looking at porn or fantasizing doesn't mean their women are not enough.

 

I'm sure most people can distinguish fantasy from reality but when you have to have fantasies in the first place I think *for the most part* (not every single time) then it is because you are lacking something in your reality.

I guess I am different then you because I want a happy healthy relationship as well but my definiation of one is a relationship where both parties are happy with their SO and don't need to think about other people.

[happygirl70]

I'm sure most people can distinguish fantasy from reality but when you have to have fantasies in the first place I think *for the most part* (not every single time) then it is because you are lacking something in your reality.

I guess I am different then you because I want a happy healthy relationship as well but my definiation of one is a relationship where both parties are happy with their SO and don't need to think about other people.

 

So, are you saying that your way is not the only way?

[rainfall]

So, are you saying that your way is not the only way?

 

If someone can say they are happy knowing that their SO wishes they could sleep with other people and knowing that when they have sex their SO thinks they are someone esle then great for them.

However I refuse to believe that everyone in a relationship like this is happy. I have known a few people who are with a partner like this and they have said even though they are unhappy they stay because all men what to sleep with other women and are never happy with what they have, so why leave a semi ok relationship for another thats gonna be just the same.

I feel my way is the only way for my relationship to be. I do not agree with people who feel it is ok to think about sleeping with others, but if their SO can put up with/is ok with it then its their life........

[littlepiggy1]

If someone can say they are happy knowing that their SO wishes they could sleep with other people and knowing that when they have sex their SO thinks they are someone esle then great for them.

 

Geez, rainfall, you really *don't* get fantasy at all.

 

Fantasy does NOT automatically mean that they wish they could sleep with other people.

 

And fantasy does NOT automatically mean that they think about someone else while boinking their SO.

[rainfall]

Geez, rainfall, you really *don't* get fantasy at all.

 

Fantasy does NOT automatically mean that they wish they could sleep with other people.

 

And fantasy does NOT automatically mean that they think about someone else while boinking their SO.

 

Of course I'm not saying that every time someone has sex with their SO they think of someone esle. However if they do fantasize then once in awhile at least I am sure someone esle's face pops into their mind while they are having sex.

 

Fantasy does mean though that you at least think of sleeping with other's.

[littlepiggy1]

Of course I'm not saying that every time someone has sex with their SO they think of someone esle. However if they do fantasize then once in awhile at least I am sure someone esle's face pops into their mind while they are having sex.

 

Sure, I'll grant that. But you seemed to imply that it always happens.

 

For that matter, you seem to always take things to extremes.

 

Fantasy does mean though that you at least think of sleeping with other's.

 

Yes, but there's a tremendous difference between *thinking* about having sex with others than *wanting* to have sex with others. They are not equivalent. The former may involve no desire to sleep with others, while the latter may not necessarily involve fantasy about others.

[rainfall]

Sure, I'll grant that. But you seemed to imply that it always happens.

 

For that matter, you seem to always take things to extremes.

 

 

 

Yes, but there's a tremendous difference between *thinking* about having sex with others than *wanting* to have sex with others. They are not equivalent. The former may involve no desire to sleep with others, while the latter may not necessarily involve fantasy about others.

 

 

I don't care if it always happens or happens one time if my partner wants to think of someone esle while we have sex he can go find someone esle to have sex with.

Well I guess we are just didn't then because for me it is just as bad for my boyfriend to see a hot chick and then think about having sex with her as it is for him to want to.

[littlepiggy1]

Well I guess we are just didn't then because for me it is just as bad for my boyfriend to see a hot chick and then think about having sex with her as it is for him to want to.

 

But what if it doesn't involve a real person? As I think was already explained to you, fantasy doesn't have to involve a specific person (i.e. the hot chick your b/f just saw). It could involve no one in particular and could be more about an act than a person.

[rainfall]

But what if it doesn't involve a real person? As I think was already explained to you, fantasy doesn't have to involve a specific person (i.e. the hot chick your b/f just saw). It could involve no one in particular and could be more about an act than a person.

 

I guess it depends on who is there with him doing the act...

[happygirl70]

Geez, rainfall, you really *don't* get fantasy at all.

 

Fantasy does NOT automatically mean that they wish they could sleep with other people.

 

And fantasy does NOT automatically mean that they think about someone else while boinking their SO.

 

I totally agree! I have never worried that my man was thinking of someone else when he is with me. I know that when he is with me, he is really "with me" so I don't have any issues with that whatsoever.

 

I think what Rain is getting bogged down with is that some people role play and they pretend to be other people for their partner. I'm not into that and dh has never even hinted at ever wanting that. I can see where there might be couples that think of other people while with their partner, but that isn't a problem I have so I cannot speak about how that works. TV shows and whatnot make is seem like everyone wants someone else, but I don't think that is true. I think there are many happy couples out there that truly enjoy just having sex with their partner.

 

Also, I'd like to add that just looking at another person, of the opposite sex and thinking they are attrative, appealing, or even beautiful does not mean your SO wants to screw that person. I look at Selma Hayek or Jennifer Love Hewitt (who always has her boobs showing on her show) and think WOW she is gorgeous... I'm a chic and straight, but man are these chics made of something I've never seen before and will never have myself, or what!!? But, I don't want to stick my head between their boobs or anything... they are just gorgeous and I acknowledge it and am in AWE of it! The most beautiful man on tv (IMO that is) is Mark Consuelos (who is married to Kelly Rippa)... drop dead gorgeous!! Do I want to sleep with him? ... give me a minute.... NO! Do I EVER think of him when I'm with my husband, NO!! There ARE people who are unhappy with their relationship that DO, but I think in those situations there is SO much more going on besides sexual issues. There is usually some fundamental issue in the relationship itself and the sex part of it is just a symptom of the greater problem.

[GregsBad]

Then I've got a question - it's on topic although a different angle.

 

Sometimes a guy, trying to please his girl sexually, once in a while, will fantacize about another woman, for the sake of getting it up, keeping it up and just plain to be more "into" it, with her. Yes, it would be more pleasurable for him. But it's about pleasing her too.

 

Call it mental viagra!

 

Now we all understand that Rain would kick him to the curb if she learned about it. She has her reasons.

 

But trust me when I say that it happens! Personally, I think girls do it too.

 

Anyway, I'm curious to know how girls might feel if they discovered this about their own BF?

[rtHawk]

And about porn ... I never agreed that porn is ok and should be easily accepted. If a guy loves her and wants her to know she's special - well, porn will hurt most peoples feelings (guys too.)

 

GB; just curious as to why you put yourself, as a guy, out on the limb here and state something so anti-male mindset/non-PC.

I mean, really, you are not the first but amongst the very few to make that type of statement but not that common,

I for one, agreee but feel I may do so for very different reasons.

 

As for mental viagra;;;

UGH! tho I have no control over mind-thoughts;

if it takes thinking about some other chick to get or keep it up, then don't bother IMHO.

if the desire with your partner isn't enought to stimulate, arouse and sustain.... then. no thanks

and for the girls.... me, NEVER.

my guys is the one and he can get me going with just a touch..

and HE IS the sole source of my fantasies....

he's hot and I love him --

if I was thinking about some other dude to get turned on----- gross....

it would be tell tale of me not being that into him.

 

my thoughts. wait till your girl turns you on... not have her be the recepient of false gestures. but that's just MHO/ 1 cent:rolleyes:

[littlepiggy1]

OOC, how long have the people here been in relationships? I wonder, because that aspect of the study I posted repeatedly was that the longer people were in relationships, the more likely they were to fantasize about someone else.

[rainfall]

Then I've got a question - it's on topic although a different angle.

 

Sometimes a guy, trying to please his girl sexually, once in a while, will fantacize about another woman, for the sake of getting it up, keeping it up and just plain to be more "into" it, with her. Yes, it would be more pleasurable for him. But it's about pleasing her too.

 

Call it mental viagra!

 

Now we all understand that Rain would kick him to the curb if she learned about it. She has her reasons.

 

But trust me when I say that it happens! Personally, I think girls do it too.

 

Anyway, I'm curious to know how girls might feel if they discovered this about their own BF?

 

So why not just get more "into" it by thinking of your partner?

I find my man attractive enough that he gets me turned on alone. I don't need to think of anyone esle to get more in the mood.

 

To answer your question little piggy we have been together 6 years now and he still turns me on as much as he did the day we got together.

[GregsBad]

 

GB; just curious as to why you put yourself, as a guy, out on the limb here and state something so anti-male mindset/non-PC.

I mean, really, you are not the first but amongst the very few to make that type of statement but not that common,

I for one, agreee but feel I may do so for very different reasons.

 

 

Most of my friends agree that it would be hard on a gf/wife if he looked at porn, even damage their relationship.

 

Reasons that I can think of right now are

1. that it would just plain hurt her (as it would me too).

2. there is an addiction factor

3. tends to make a guy hunger after some imaginary creature (who would probably kick him to the curb anyway)

 

Porn isn't really helpful ...

Other than getting a few more ideas of things to try ... but I guess you can get that stuff from a book at Barns & Noble - the wife would probably go get one for him

 

To me porn is something that can be stopped. And she'll be happier for it ... so extreme is this truth (to me) that I think a guy would be a real a**hole to try to hang on to his stash if he knows it hurts her. I'm also convinced that girls who "say" it's OK ... most of them are afraid to lose him and they just stifle and suffer.

 

But secret thoughts ??? ... I still think that's more of an impossible thing to stop.

 

And for a couple who have been close for years ... I think that hubby has to let his mind wander sometimes - to perform for hours anyway. I'm especially talking about cases where she's developed a little junk in the trunk. I also think that telling her about his mental viagra is pretty stupid.

 

Maybe a guy could build up to that kind of honesty sloooowly.

 

Or maybe test the wife's real honesty appreciation meter - by telling her, "Yes! Your ass looks fat in those pants"

[GregsBad]

So why not just get more "into" it by thinking of your partner?

I find my man attractive enough that he gets me turned on alone. I don't need to think of anyone esle to get more in the mood.

 

To answer your question little piggy we have been together 6 years now and he still turns me on as much as he did the day we got together.

 

Gonna make say it aren't you?

 

Uh ... well there are some other girls (not talking about you Rain) who get a little fat and less than what they once were. - gravity - cottage cheese etc ...

 

Men are not from Venus and they are visual. One day, even for you ... your BF might find it difficult to get aroused at the sight of just your silouette. If that ever happens, then I guess that's the day you kick him to the curb. Or maybe he'll decide that is ONE little secret that he should keep to himself.

[che_jesse]

I'm also convinced that girls who "say" it's OK ... most of them are afraid to lose him and they just stifle and suffer.

 

You do realize that there are plenty of women out there that enjoy porn just as much as any man does don't you?

 

I really don't understand where all of this stupid insecurity comes from on the part of some women, really these must be the same women that get jealous of pretty girls on tv.

 

To me (a women) its the sex that turns me on, my hubby is the same way, it has nothing to do with the actual people in the porn but most human beings find watching people have sex hot and no matter what your boyfriend says to you he thinks its hot as well.

 

All of you here really never get turned on when watching a hot scene in a movie or anything? That just does not seem normal, I don't know maybe some of you just don't like the actual act of sex very much and are far to focused on some secret meaning that you are convinced it has, its possible to just like sex for sex itself.

[rainfall]

Gonna make say it aren't you?

 

Uh ... well there are some other girls (not talking about you Rain) who get a little fat and less than what they once were. - gravity - cottage cheese etc ...

 

Men are not from Venus and they are visual. One day, even for you ... your BF might find it difficult to get aroused at the sight of just your silouette. If that ever happens, then I guess that's the day you kick him to the curb. Or maybe he'll decide that is ONE little secret that he should keep to himself.

 

 

Well if I ever let myself go and get fat then its my own fault for him needing to look at other women. I take great pride in keeping my weight at what it is and I will not ever become a little fat with cottage cheese.

 

If my siloutte can no longer cause my man to get turned on then yeah I would probably not want to be with him. If he has to think of other women to get turned in then whats the point.

[rainfall]

 

 

I really don't understand where all of this stupid insecurity comes from on the part of some women, really these must be the same women that get jealous of pretty girls on tv.

 

 

 

 

All of you here really never get turned on when watching a hot scene in a movie or anything? That just does not seem normal, I don't know maybe some of you just don't like the actual act of sex very much and are far to focused on some secret meaning that you are convinced it has, its possible to just like sex for sex itself.

 

 

Hey, I love sex. I wish my boyfriend and I could find time to have sex more then we do so my dislike of porn has nothing to do with me not liking sex.

It has to do with the fact that I think women and men like that are trashy and I don't care to watch someone esle have sex. I would rather have it myself.

No watches two strangers do a hot scene in a movie does nothing for me..... I always thought it was strange for people to get all hot and bothered by them but maybe thats just me.

[GregsBad]

Well if I ever let myself go and get fat then its my own fault for him needing to look at other women. I take great pride in keeping my weight at what it is and I will not ever become a little fat with cottage cheese.

 

If my siloutte can no longer cause my man to get turned on then yeah I would probably not want to be with him. If he has to think of other women to get turned in then whats the point.

 

I guess that's where I'v been coming from in my posts on this forum.

 

I've known so many couples where the H or W let themselves go, and then lived with some pain because of feeling less loved. In many of those cases, the other is into porn etc. I'm not saying it's the fault of the fat one But the loss of appeal certainly didn't help either.

 

It's great that you're keeping yourself in shape.

[kittensmittens]

I've known so many couples where the H or W let themselves go, and then lived with some pain because of feeling less loved. In many of those cases, the other is into porn etc. I'm not saying it's the fault of the fat one But the loss of appeal certainly didn't help either.

 

Ok, I have a question for you (or anyone else who wants to answer, actually!). Let's say your R was kinda bad. You fought a LOT, had sex about once a month for long stretches of time, and one or both parties were suffering depression. Um...yeah...that would be my R I'm speaking of.....

 

So nobody had a fat ass or jiggly thighs or anything, but do you (or anyone else) think that these kinds of things could contribute to porn use as well?

 

As I'm sure evvvveryone knows by now, I'm worried about my bf having lied to me about some stuff. I'm not going to take the blame and say "it's all my fault, I made him lie", but IF he was lying about his porn use and it just so happens that it was quite a bit more frequent than he let on....could it be simply because the R was stormy and depressing? As well as me being incredibly insecure, thus making it difficult for him to tell me anything he needs, etc.?

 

If so, do you think that a happy R would decrease porn use (or....ahem....even STOP it if the other party has already agreed to do so.....)?

 

Yeah, I know......I'm beating this one into the ground, but I don't really have any other outlet or way to figure these things out on my own....

[norajane]

IF he was lying about his porn use and it just so happens that it was quite a bit more frequent than he let on....could it be simply because the R was stormy and depressing? As well as me being incredibly insecure, thus making it difficult for him to tell me anything he needs, etc.?

 

If so, do you think that a happy R would decrease porn use (or....ahem....even STOP it if the other party has already agreed to do so.....)?

 

Being in a bad relationship could certainly make a guy who was already into porn be into it that much more. And if he knew you hated him using porn and your relationship was already rocky, then yeah, that's not going to make him all honest and upfront with you about it...it's likely to drive it deeper underground.

 

But porn use isn't automatically a sign of a bad relationship. People in good relationships also use porn and it's not a reflection of anything going on between the couple. So, a happy relationship doesn't necessarily mean porn use will diminish or stop, though it's possible.

 

And for some, it even enhances their sex life if both parties are into it.

[GregsBad]

I very much agree with N.J.