Issues with boyfriend and porn

[kittensmittens]

Being in a bad relationship could certainly make a guy who was already into porn be into it that much more. And if he knew you hated him using porn and your relationship was already rocky, then yeah, that's not going to make him all honest and upfront with you about it...it's likely to drive it deeper underground.

 

But porn use isn't automatically a sign of a bad relationship. People in good relationships also use porn and it's not a reflection of anything going on between the couple. So, a happy relationship doesn't necessarily mean porn use will diminish or stop, though it's possible.

 

Right. But before we ever started dating he told me he didn't do that. He also understands that it is an issue for me that extends beyond any insecurities and has more meaning to me than that. I realize not everyone feels this way and that's fine. I have NO problem with other couples enjoying porn and I realize it can be a healthy thing for idividuals who are open to that, but I don't want it in my R. And he has said he did not do that for most of the time we were together, and will not from now on.

 

But he could be lying. And if he is, I'm trying to figure out why. If it's just about the boobs and he is genetically incapable of respecting my feelings, then as terribly sad as that is, he may just not be the right person for me.

 

But if it's something more than just needing to see a bunch of boobies, then maybe there is something I have been contributing to his need to get that and to sneak around in order to get it.

[kittensmittens]

I would also like to add that I'm not basing the judgement of our R being bad on his possible porn use. The R was bad. It was unhealthy and unhappy, and I was a huge contributor to all of that.

 

But it's already been established in our R how I feel about it and an agreement has already been made that there won't be any more porn. He already undesrtood before that how I felt. And supposedly, (according to him, on his own) he did not need porn at the time we started dating.

 

So I also want to ask....

 

Being in a bad relationship could certainly make a guy who was already into porn be into it that much more.

 

What if he wasn't using it at all to begin w/? If he began using it at any point in the R, is that an indicator that he wasn't being truthful from the begining and he's just too into porn to ever stop completely?

 

I'm not trying to spark a heated debate, I'm honestly trying to gain understanding. And again, I realize full well that porn use is entirely healthy for couples who don't feel as I do about it. But I do feel the way I do and I want to be with someone who is at least CAPABLE of respecting that.

[norajane]

Right. But before we ever started dating he told me he didn't do that.

 

He also understands that it is an issue for me that extends beyond any insecurities and has more meaning to me than that.

 

I don't want it in my R.

 

And he has said he did not do that for most of the time we were together, and will not from now on.

 

If he knew you hated porn, yes, he could be lying to you to avoid hurting your feelings, to avoid an argument, etc.

 

But he could be lying. And if he is, I'm trying to figure out why. If it's just about the boobs and he is genetically incapable of respecting my feelings, then as terribly sad as that is, he may just not be the right person for me.

 

But if it's something more than just needing to see a bunch of boobies, then maybe there is something I have been contributing to his need to get that and to sneak around in order to get it.

 

If you aren't having sex together, that's the primary reason I would see a guy's porn use increasing during a relationship. It could also be the forbidden fruit thing - if you're adamant about no porn allowed, that could perversely make him want to view it more than he would otherwise.

 

The sneaking around, as I said, is because he knows you hate it and don't want him using it. He wouldn't sneak around if you were ok with it.

[norajane]

I would also like to add that I'm not basing the judgement of our R being bad on his possible porn use. The R was bad. It was unhealthy and unhappy, and I was a huge contributor to all of that.

 

But it's already been established in our R how I feel about it and an agreement has already been made that there won't be any more porn. He already undesrtood before that how I felt. And supposedly, (according to him, on his own) he did not need porn at the time we started dating.

 

So I also want to ask....

 

What if he wasn't using it at all to begin w/? If he began using it at any point in the R, is that an indicator that he wasn't being truthful from the begining and he's just too into porn to ever stop completely?

 

I'm not trying to spark a heated debate, I'm honestly trying to gain understanding. And again, I realize full well that porn use is entirely healthy for couples who don't feel as I do about it. But I do feel the way I do and I want to be with someone who is at least CAPABLE of respecting that.

 

I dunno. I think it's pretty unusual for a guy to start using porn if he never used it before. I think he just told you he never used porn because he knew that's what you wanted to hear.

 

Most guys start looking at porn of one kind or another as soon as they start masturbating. Telling them not to look at porn - to many guys - is like telling them to stop masturbating. There aren't any deep hidden meanings behind porn use. They want to get off quick, so they look at nakey women doing all kinds of fantasy-scenarios in order to get their rocks off.

 

Frankly, though, if the relationship is bad and unhealthy completely separate from the porn issue, THAT's what you should be focusing on, not the porn. Porn is the least of your concerns at that point!

 

If the relationship is good and healthy, then I don't see why anyone would make it bad over masturbation to porn. But if porn is a deal-breaker for you, then get out of the relationship. You cannot change other people's masturbation habits, nor should you try, because it won't work and makes you come across as a controlling bitch. (I'm not saying you ARE a controlling bitch, but that's very easily how it could appear to a guy who couldn't understand why it was such a huge deal to you when it's just masturbation fodder to him).

 

If someone thought they could tell me what I could and couldn't do while masturbating, I'd tell them to go f*ck themselves).

[kittensmittens]

So are you saying that if he uses it at ALL during a R, then he always has and always will use it to a degree?

 

It could also be the forbidden fruit thing - if you're adamant about no porn allowed, that could perversely make him want to view it more than he would otherwise.

 

The sneaking around, as I said, is because he knows you hate it and don't want him using it. He wouldn't sneak around if you were ok with it.

 

This is exactly why I'm not sure if I should just go home and not make a big deal about it.....do what I need to do to make the R better and treat it as a closed subject. I've already told him how I feel and I fear that continually revisiting the subject w/ him will only make it a BIGGER deal, therefore even more "forbidden". Could this work?

[norajane]

So are you saying that if he uses it at ALL during a R, then he always has and always will use it to a degree?

 

I'm saying guys who use porn generally used it long before you came along (as soon as they could get their hands on it), and will use it long after you're gone. Unless they stop masturbating, they're likely to continue using porn, or I suppose unless they get bored with it for some reason.

 

It might play out differently for specific individuals, but generally, I believe that's true.

 

This is exactly why I'm not sure if I should just go home and not make a big deal about it.....do what I need to do to make the R better and treat it as a closed subject. I've already told him how I feel and I fear that continually revisiting the subject w/ him will only make it a BIGGER deal, therefore even more "forbidden". Could this work?

I would suggest working your other issues rather than making a big deal of the porn. Get your relationship healthy if you can. As I said, if your relationship is bad and unhealthy, porn is the least of your concerns. If you can't make your relationship better in general, even if he totally stopped using porn, your relationship would still suck.

[kittensmittens]

But if porn is a deal-breaker for you, then get out of the relationship. You cannot change other people's masturbation habits, nor should you try, because it won't work and makes you come across as a controlling bitch. (I'm not saying you ARE a controlling bitch, but that's very easily how it could appear to a guy who couldn't understand why it was such a huge deal to you when it's just masturbation fodder to him).

 

And this is where the dilemma lies. I simply told him--calmly--how I feel about him looking at porn, and asked if he would please respect that--if he's capable. He said he was and he will. I also made a very special point to him that I am NOT trying to control him--I'm no longer going to police every little thought that's running through his head--I'm just asking that my feelings be respected. He said he understood this as well and stated again that he would respect my feelings on the matter.

 

And masturbation has never been an issue. I've offered to let him takes pics/vids of me if he needs something "visual stimulus" for something quicker and easier than sex, or if I'm away. I don't want to do this though if my pictures are going to be mixed in with a bunch of other random sluts who got paid to do that.

 

So anyway....IF he's lying, he is pretending to be something he is not and is depriving me of being with someone who can respect my feelings. I would rather know that he needs to look at porn and move on than be told what I want to hear with out the actions to back it up. Do I tell him this?

 

I've talked to a lot of guys about this and it is clear to me now that there ARE men out there capable of giving up porn if they are asked to do so. Some even do it automatically when they are in a R (which is what I thought I had). For some men, yes, they may always need porn to jack off to and if they can find SO's who are fine w/ that or even want to hop on in there, great. But I don't believe that's the case with every man out there.

[kittensmittens]

I would suggest working your other issues rather than making a big deal of the porn. Get your relationship healthy if you can. As I said, if your relationship is bad and unhealthy, porn is the least of your concerns. If you can't make your relationship better in general, even if he totally stopped using porn, your relationship would still suck.

 

Yes, you're absolutely right. That's what I'm currently working on. I just want to know if all the unhappiness in the past could have driven him to use porn for necessary sexual relief that he wasn't getting from me, as well as an outlet for the stresses he was enduring. He could have also been less interested in me because of my behavior/personality, and so other women (who essentially have no personality, because they're just pictures) were, indeed, more appealing. But I don't know. Maybe he just needs to see some boobs, good or bad relationship.

 

So I am just wondering now that, if by getting the R in better shape, he may no longer need porn and actually be able to resist as he has said he would. Maybe he did come to need it before and, of course, had to lie about it b/c A)he knew how I felt about it, and B) he couldn't openly communicate w/ me.

 

Possible?

[Jersey Shortie]

Sometimes a guy, trying to please his girl sexually, once in a while, will fantacize about another woman, for the sake of getting it up, keeping it up and just plain to be more "into" it, with her. Yes, it would be more pleasurable for him. But it's about pleasing her too.

 

But trust me when I say that it happens!

 

Anyway, I'm curious to know how girls might feel if they discovered this about their own BF?

 

 

I would be extremetly disheartened. No woman wants to be having sex with her man only for him to be thinking about other women he was wishing he was having sex with instead while trying to keep it up for her. Isn't that called "pity sex?" I think that is a scumbag thing to do. ANd if that is what alot of men do they should do their woman a favor and leave her be instead of pretend you care about her or are into her when you are really just replaying some other girl in your mind. What a horribly crappy way to treat another human being you claim you care anything about.

[Hugh_950]

 

I've talked to a lot of guys about this and it is clear to me now that there ARE men out there capable of giving up porn if they are asked to do so. Some even do it automatically when they are in a R (which is what I thought I had).

 

Hey mittens -

 

I'm glad you came to this - and I agree.

 

There ARE men who (although they have a stash while single) will give it up for the sake of her feelings. Not only that, but do many other things to earn and maintain her trust.

[PositiveShine]

So now that we have some folks agreeing that it's reasonable and possible for a man to give up porn, where is the line drawn for what is considered "porn" or material that is disrespectful to you? Cut out all movies and nude photos, pretty clear what category that's in. What about him buying a Maxim, is that over the line? Or watching "Girls Next Door"? Seeing a movie where Scarlett Johannson has a provocative scene?

 

My point (finally!) is that men are visual creatures. It doesn't have to be outright porn for them to use images when they are doing their thing. And it doesn't have to be actively in front of them either . . . sometimes just recalling something sexy (tv, magazine, movie, etc) in their minds is the route they choose. And it has nothing to do with porn, but appeals to them in a sexual sense.

 

Be ready to know where you are willing to draw the line. I'm not agreeing or supporting the above POV, but there are a lot of grey areas with this issue and it might come up if you have another discussion with your BF. I definitely think you deserve the type of guy who respects your opinion and appreciates your feelings on issues if they are upsetting to you. They are out there!

 

Best of luck

[Jack'a]

Hell... If the girlfriends are willing to take some steamy pictures for their boyfriends, I'm sure half of the guys out there wouldn't NEED to look at porn off the internet... Accept it, there are times when one just doesn't want to have sex, and other is dying for it. What can you do but to masturbate? And truth be told, guys are very visual, they use porn as a stimulant... As for actually fantasizing about another woman... That's a completely different case...

[kittensmittens]

Sorry to drudge this old thread up, but I didn't want to start yet a new one about porn and I really need some advice/clarity.

 

My bf and I have broken up and a lot of it had to do w/ him lying about porn. I explained how it made me feel, asked him what he needed/to be open w/ me, and if he could stop, etc. He said he didn't need porn and wouldn't look at it. Well, turns out he was lying. ( I know, stop the presses, right?)

 

I regret ever making it an issue--I think it had more significance to me than it ever did to him. However, it did have significance to me at one time and I had told him a long time ago that if I ever found out he was lying again, I would leave. Yet, in the face of such an ultimatum, he continued to look at it.

 

I know it's common for guys to look at the stuff and to lie about it. I can understand why a guy would lie about it.....it can be embarrassing, hurtful, private, etc. But does that make it ok? This is a serious question, because I just really don't know. If a guy continues to look at it, knowing he is disrespecting his gf's feelings and knowing what he is jeaprodizing, is it still forgiveable? Is it just a guy being stupid and horny? Or is it telling of the amount of respect and consideration he truly has for her?

 

And is he lying to preserve the relationship? Or because he just doesn't doesn't care enough about it?

[vivi]

It's too bad you found this out; you feel vulnerable because you're pregnant. He's not going to strip clubs, or spending hours online looking at it, though, is he? Guys think porn is like using a microwave, I think...it's not as good as a home cooked meal but it's handy for a quick snack. Could you resist the temptation to read too much into this? Would you consider finding some porn that appeals to you and watching it with him? Or having sex in a way that is more comfortable to you, physically or psychologically? After all, he still desires you, he's engaged to you and your physical state is temporary. And lots of men think a woman who is lactating is very arousing.

[lonelybird]

He wouldn't sneak around if you were ok with it.

this kind of line is strange reasoning.

it's like

 

He wouldn't sneak around if you were ok with him sleeping with other women

 

He wouldn't sneak around if you were ok with him stealing

 

He wouldn't sneak around if you were ok with .....

 

Why do she has to be the one "to be ok with"?

[lonelybird]

Porn can be addictive. There are people who addictive to porn ruined their family, their life. It is a kind of addiction. they can develop new perverted sex eppetite because of watching porn. Porn is a mean that people get off, aslo shut down emotionally, avoid dealing with true issues in their real life, like empty boring life

 

Most people do ISN'T mean it is good. Doesn't mean you have to accept it because most of people do. It is ridiculous

 

Porn can corrupt people's mind, it is nothing about love, only about lust. The more you develop lust, the more lust you get it.

 

But you cannot change a person, what you can do is standing your value ground firmly, communicate with him what you feel about it, and pray for him. He will appreciate you later because you expect he can do better! He needs spiritual awakening.

 

If he continutes the porn, he will not go to heaven

[lonelybird]

Is it just a guy being stupid and horny? Or is it telling of the amount of respect and consideration he truly has for her?

 

And is he lying to preserve the relationship? Or because he just doesn't doesn't care enough about it?

Hi, it is not he doesn't respect you, he doesn't respect himself as well. He fall into addiction, and he cannot get out of it, just like addictive to drugs. addictor dislike themselves because of lack of self-control.

 

If he is lack of self-control, lying, how much longer are you willingly to wait him to change? Seems he dwells on his flesh too much, how about spiritual introduction? The more spiritual he becomes, the more self-control, the less dwelling on flesh only.

[OpenBook]

My bf and I have broken up and a lot of it had to do w/ him lying about porn.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm not convinced that porn was the major factor in the breakup. I think it bothered you that he was unwilling to respect your wishes in general. And I'll wager there were other things about you that he didn't respect. Am I wrong? (If not, you're WAY better off without him anyway.)

 

I regret ever making it an issue--I think it had more significance to me than it ever did to him.

 

I don't understand why you view porn as such a threat. Are you afraid he will compare you to those physically (and digitally) enhanced females, and find you lacking? (Hint: If he does, drop him like a hot potato. A great BF - or H for that matter - would NEVER try to make you feel any less than the Goddess that you are.)

 

Do you really believe that a guy is supposed to view you and ONLY you as the ONLY sexually appealing female on the planet? If so, your expectations are way out of whack (excuse the pun). Men are always going to look. It doesn't make them any less human, and it doesn't take anything away from YOUR sexiness at all. It just means they're men. And they're still alive and breathing.

 

Sure, he's going to look. But he loves YOU, he invests his time and money with YOU. That says more than any moaning female in a badly-produced video ever could.

 

I'm a big believer in "Everything In Moderation." Unless your BF was constantly obsessing over porn, it could be used to actually help enhance the relationship he has with you - for example, by introducing new ideas, positions, costumes, toys, etc. into your own sex life together. Men crave variety, and it's not such a bad thing, IMO. But I believe that when they love you, men want that variety from YOU.

 

I know it's common for guys to look at the stuff and to lie about it. I can understand why a guy would lie about it.....it can be embarrassing, hurtful, private, etc. But does that make it ok? This is a serious question, because I just really don't know. If a guy continues to look at it, knowing he is disrespecting his gf's feelings and knowing what he is jeaprodizing, is it still forgiveable? Is it just a guy being stupid and horny? Or is it telling of the amount of respect and consideration he truly has for her?

 

And is he lying to preserve the relationship? Or because he just doesn't doesn't care enough about it?

 

Men lie about a LOT of things; but I don't believe it's due to any malicious intent on their part - it's mainly an effort to "keep the peace", and also to always keep themselves elevated (again, excuse the pun) in their women's eyes. It's just an impulse built into the competitive, testosterone-driven nature of a man.

[kittensmittens]

I'm not convinced that porn was the major factor in the breakup. I think it bothered you that he was unwilling to respect your wishes in general. And I'll wager there were other things about you that he didn't respect.

 

It did bother me that he was not respecting my wishes. It wasn't the porn I was upset about in the end, it was that he was lying. But he lied about porn. But he stuck to his lies pretty fiercely, even insulting my intelligence at times.

 

I don't understand why you view porn as such a threat.

 

I don't. I did at one time. But as I said, I regret that. I don't believe he was addicted to it and the problems it created between us were created primarily by me. And I agree w/ everything you said after the above statement as well.

 

I just want to know if lying about it is excusable when he knows how much it would hurt her and what he is jeaprodizing if caught. Does it mean he doesn't truly respect her or the relationship?

[new_stella]

Although I mostly agree with what you said, OpenBook, I have to object on a couple of things:

 

It just means they're men. And they're still alive and breathing.

Sure, he's going to look.

This implies it would kill them if they stopped looking at porn. Which can’t be further from the truth.

 

I’m with them man who stopped doing that because of me. He is still alive and breathing and is happier then ever.

 

I don’t usually look at porn usage as a respect issue, but refusing to stop like your life depends on it is certainly a sign of lack of respect and commitment.

 

Men lie about a LOT of things; but I don't believe it's due to any malicious intent on their part - it's mainly an effort to "keep the peace", and also to always keep themselves elevated (again, excuse the pun) in their women's eyes. It's just an impulse built into the competitive, testosterone-driven nature of a man.

Now men are allowed to lie just because they are men????????????

 

An impulse to lie to ‘keep the peace’ is not gender specific – it depends on the character and plain human decency, and certainly cannot be excused by the level of testosterone!

 

Are you saying we should forgive out men when they lie, but we shouldn’t lie ourselves because our testosterone level is significantly lower??

[cn283]

I don't think men will ever give it up, so why not mimic their behavior? It's petty, but the guys that are constantly telling women to get over it should get a taste of their own medicine. I mean they've already proven that they can't stop or even compromise, so why not?

[destinys2sexy]

If men can look, women should be able to look too. Every time my man looks at another woman... I let him see how it feels by telling him how sexy one of his friends are. It puts his eyes back on me immediately.