Issues with boyfriend and porn

[new_stella]

Oh the reason my boyfriend said he no longer needs porn.....

 

 

1.We have sex alot more now so he has no need to satisfy himself.

2.I have worked hard to change my looks for him... (losing weight) so now he doesn't need to look at porn women because I look better then the women in porn.

 

 

Which those two reasons would support my idea that men look at porn if they are missing something.

Last thing I want to do rainfall, is to join the witch-hunt, believe me.

Although I don’t agree with you on everything, I think I understand where you’re coming from and I definitely don’t perceive your posts as arrogant.

 

I have to ask you something though:

 

Now you look good, better than women in porn and your bf doesn’t need to look at porn. But what happens in 5 years? In 10? In 20?

 

Once you get old(er) you will not look as good and there is nothing you can do about it. At some point women in porn will start to look better than you.

 

Will it become alright for him to look at porn then?

 

What are you going to do then?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I expect her boyfriend will do what he's doing now - telling her what she wants and needs to hear. Any guy in that situation would do the same if wants to keep his relationship.

[Toni_no12002]

I used to agree with rainfall at one point i hated my man looking at porn and other women.I thought about it 24/7.I thought it was him that had a problem because he just kept looking.

But i began to realise that it was more me with the problem i began obsessivley searching the net for any signs he was going on a porn site.Even if it was a pop up a thought oooh i bet he had a good look!

In the street i constantly watch his eyes if he even glanced at another woman id be upset.

 

I realised that he wasnt doing it really as much as i thought he was me blowing things out of proportion.Now i feel much more confident in myself not totally happy but i dont hate myself.Ive realised theres no use worrying about something such as porn because it makes you worry about it and it only ruins the relationship.As long as your SO isnt addicted then i dont think there is a problem.

 

 

I read in a book the other day that the reason men look at other women is because they like curves and curves attract them.Its the way they are.

[new_stella]

Toni_no12002,

I've been just reading some of your old posts. It looks like you had a real problem with that.

 

So, how did you get over it?

Do you have any tips?

[CATENZA]

Until you snooped, you didn't notice any problems in your relationship, preganant or not.

 

He's been looking at porn throughout your entire relationship, and long before that - ever since he started masturbating as an adolescent. Men use porn as a masturbation crutch.

 

Don't let this destroy your relationship since there was nothing wrong between you before you found out he used porn. The only thing that has changed between you is that you now know about it. He still feels the same about you as he did before.

 

I AGREE!! my husband does the samething and I laugh at him. The best is when he brought home midget porn!

[squeak]

RF123 (the OP) I think has a right to be upset because maybe she would not have been with him if he had been more forthcoming about his porn use early on.

 

He took away her right to have made that decision, way before having a child. The point is not wether it is good or bad or if most guys do it or not, she did not know he did until very recently....If a guy is forthcoming about it, then the woman has a choice wether to be okay with it or not.

 

I feel bad for people who are married for years then *wham* wife finds out hubby is hardcore porn fiend. This does not apply to the OP's situation but my point is- men don't have a right to hide that info if it is part of their lifestyle.

 

Getting back to topic-If he misled his SO by hiding that fact, then she finds out when --say-she is pregnant after 2 years into the relationship--he owes it to her to come to a compromise that is suitable for HER.... PERIOD. She needs to break it down like that-that maybe it would not have been something she would have tolerated but seeing that she just found out now.....it is on him to do something about it.

 

It would be different if she knew from day 1 and 2 years later was asking him to quit it.

 

When people change radically within the relationship or something hidden comes out, the offended party has the right to request it goes back to how it was before or the relationship is in jeopardy.

 

Men-just be forthcoming and give the woman a right to choose. Because when it comes out later all hell will break loose.....

[jkitz2006]

i completely understand where your comming from in the fact that you told him you didnt want him doing it cause it hurt you. and he should have accepted that.

 

there are some guys that are able to look at porn and not get off, they just do it for entertainment. my boyfriend is in the navy and he has a best friend that was on restriction. and he would download porn onto my boyfriends computer. and watch it. he downloaded so much that he completely filled it to the max and my boyfriend couldnt download anything anymore. and his best friend would watch it for entertainment. he would watch it like you or me watch our favorite tv shows. he simply just doesnt get off to it. im not saying that is the case here im just saying that not all guys get off to it.

 

my boyfriend watches it too, as do all guys. im pretty sure there isnt a guy out there that doesnt watch porn. It use to get to me, but it no longer does. because once again they do it for entertainment. he doesnt sit there and say " oh man, i wish i could have sex with that girl" i know he loves me, and enjoys our relationship, sexual and physical. but one day we were laying in bed. and i was curious and i wanted ot know why he watches it what is soooo entertaining about porn. i get no satisfaction out of it, which some women do. and thats fine. so i asked and he said" alot of time i only watch it because it helps me when im having sex with you, i dont think about those girls when im having sex with you. But i learn for it " and i have no problem with it. once again im not justifying what he is doing because i think it is wrong he is going behind your back and looking at it even though you told him not to and it hurt you.

 

but hopefully what i said gave you a little bit of a at ease feeling. hope it gets better.

[Toni_no12002]

Toni_no12002,

I've been just reading some of your old posts. It looks like you had a real problem with that.

 

So, how did you get over it?

Do you have any tips?

 

Basically it got to a really bad point.I had been posting on here for quite a while and no matter what anyone said i couldnt believe it.I just simply didnt understand how he could possibly look at another woman and still think that i was good enough!It got so bad that i would try my hardest to stop him from looking at another woman down the street.I didnt want to live like that.I was becoming a bigger problem.

 

I read various things on the net explaining about porn and men finding other women attractive.I also read loads of books about why men think the way they do.As well as this i built my own self confidence up.I began to understand things alot more and now im fine.My life is alot better.

 

I think that you can find someone else attractive and still find your SO just as attractive as before.

My explanation to anyone would be that i have a little boy i think hes gorgeous!!I go out and see other little boys and think aww hes gorgeous but in no way does that mean that that other little boy is better than mine in any way! Anyone who tells me that because i think other kids are cute that i dont love my kid anymore is totally wrong!

If that makes sense to anyone?It makes sense to me and it actually did help me thinking that way.

 

I thought yes my bf finds me attractive and he finds so and so attractive but that doesnt mean he loves me any less or finds me any less attractive or even that she is prettier than me!

 

Its really hard to explain how i did it.Im quite proud of myself for getting this far.A year ago i felt like i was losing it!

 

Does that make sense to anyone or am i talking utter rubbish? lol

[rainfall]

Last thing I want to do rainfall, is to join the witch-hunt, believe me.

Although I don’t agree with you on everything, I think I understand where you’re coming from and I definitely don’t perceive your posts as arrogant.

 

I have to ask you something though:

 

Now you look good, better than women in porn and your bf doesn’t need to look at porn. But what happens in 5 years? In 10? In 20?

 

Once you get old(er) you will not look as good and there is nothing you can do about it. At some point women in porn will start to look better than you.

 

Will it become alright for him to look at porn then?

 

What are you going to do then?

 

 

I know once I get older I will not look the same. However there is a difference between letting myself go and gaining weight and no longer trying to look good and working hard to look my best even though I am older.

As long as I continue to do the second option then no I will not want my man to look at porn.

For the record I do not have a problem with my man thinking another women is attractive. It is when it changes from she is cute to man she is smokin hot and I would like to have sex with her......that is when I find it wrong.

[Toni_no12002]

I have read that it is in a mans make up for him to want to sleep with other people.It is society which has changed us into just having one partner at a time.Because of the way we have grown up and been taught we have come to find that it is wrong to cheat on a partner.So men will hide things when looking at porn and such like as they know it will hurt there SO.

 

I also read that it is possible for a man to be able to think of sex and love as two different things.Whereas a woman will be more likely to think love=sex or sex=love.So saying that maybe if a man cheats it isnt as bad for a relationship as when the woman cheats.Before anyone goes off on one at me!ill explain that if a man cheats it more than likely is purely just physical whereas when a woman cheats it is more likely to be emotional which can be worse for the relationship.

Im not saying cheating is right as now it is told it is wrong and many people believe that,so do i.

 

I dont think porn is that much of a big deal anymore ive actually watched some porn and its not like the woman are all models its just sometimes men want to watch it as an aid.Sometimes i actually enjoy it myself now.

[new_stella]

Basically it got to a really bad point.I had been posting on here for quite a while and no matter what anyone said i couldnt believe it.I just simply didnt understand how he could possibly look at another woman and still think that i was good enough!It got so bad that i would try my hardest to stop him from looking at another woman down the street.I didnt want to live like that.I was becoming a bigger problem.

 

I read various things on the net explaining about porn and men finding other women attractive.I also read loads of books about why men think the way they do.As well as this i built my own self confidence up.I began to understand things alot more and now im fine.My life is alot better.

 

I think that you can find someone else attractive and still find your SO just as attractive as before.

My explanation to anyone would be that i have a little boy i think hes gorgeous!!I go out and see other little boys and think aww hes gorgeous but in no way does that mean that that other little boy is better than mine in any way! Anyone who tells me that because i think other kids are cute that i dont love my kid anymore is totally wrong!

If that makes sense to anyone?It makes sense to me and it actually did help me thinking that way.

 

I thought yes my bf finds me attractive and he finds so and so attractive but that doesnt mean he loves me any less or finds me any less attractive or even that she is prettier than me!

 

Its really hard to explain how i did it.Im quite proud of myself for getting this far.A year ago i felt like i was losing it!

 

Does that make sense to anyone or am i talking utter rubbish? lol

No, no it does make sense!

 

Thanks Toni,

You have some valid points here. Your analogy with your little boy is quite interesting actually.

 

And you should definitely be proud of yourself for getting where you are now.

[new_stella]

I have read that it is in a mans make up for him to want to sleep with other people.It is society which has changed us into just having one partner at a time.Because of the way we have grown up and been taught we have come to find that it is wrong to cheat on a partner.So men will hide things when looking at porn and such like as they know it will hurt there SO.

 

I also read that it is possible for a man to be able to think of sex and love as two different things.Whereas a woman will be more likely to think love=sex or sex=love.So saying that maybe if a man cheats it isnt as bad for a relationship as when the woman cheats.Before anyone goes off on one at me!ill explain that if a man cheats it more than likely is purely just physical whereas when a woman cheats it is more likely to be emotional which can be worse for the relationship.

Im not saying cheating is right as now it is told it is wrong and many people believe that,so do i.

No matter how much I try , I simply cannot accept that.

 

I believe that it is the actually the other way round: the society keeps telling us that it is alright for men to do certain things but not for women. In the western world (and from what I read it is not much different in some other parts of the world), woman’s sexuality had been seriously suppressed for centuries! No wonder we are not so in touch with our primal desires

 

Which brings me to another idea:

 

Maybe some men here are right, maybe instead of us expecting them to change to be more like us, maybe we should change to be more like them? Maybe we should re-learn to enjoy other men the same (or similar) way they enjoy other women.

 

Maybe that can be the solution for at least some of us?

 

I dont think porn is that much of a big deal anymore ive actually watched some porn and its not like the woman are all models its just sometimes men want to watch it as an aid.Sometimes i actually enjoy it myself now.

See, that sort of supports what I've just said. Maybe we (women with this problem) just need to relax and re-learn to enjoy…

[CATENZA]

New Stella, as they say, you can't beat'em.. Join'em!

[PositiveShine]

I am a female and seriously dating someone who travel most of the time for his job. I enjoy porn a lot, and the two of us even share/swap our collections. I'm not sure about your comfort level, but I'd definitely try to share this interest with him. Let him know it's ok to not hide it, and watch it with him if you're up to it! It actually ends up being a great turn-on for both of you, you might be surprised. Get some toys, dvds, etc . . things that you can have fun with and still be physically comfortable. Everyone has urges, so learn to enjoy it together!

[rainfall]

I am a female and seriously dating someone who travel most of the time for his job. I enjoy porn a lot, and the two of us even share/swap our collections. I'm not sure about your comfort level, but I'd definitely try to share this interest with him. Let him know it's ok to not hide it, and watch it with him if you're up to it! It actually ends up being a great turn-on for both of you, you might be surprised. Get some toys, dvds, etc . . things that you can have fun with and still be physically comfortable. Everyone has urges, so learn to enjoy it together!

 

 

Everyone has urges yes. However not everyone has urges to think of people besides their partner sexually.

[Toni_no12002]

Everyone has urges yes. However not everyone has urges to think of people besides their partner sexually.

 

I dont think someone should do something they are uncomfortable with but just because you think a certain way doesnt mean you partner does.

 

If you have been in a relationship a while maybe watching porn together can bring you closer as sometimes your sex life can go stale when you have been together a while.

 

new stella - I dont think men and women will ever agree.I dont think it is right to cheat but now i dont feel threatened by porn and im glad because it drove me mad.

[cn283]

No matter how much I try , I simply cannot accept that.

 

I believe that it is the actually the other way round: the society keeps telling us that it is alright for men to do certain things but not for women. In the western world (and from what I read it is not much different in some other parts of the world), woman’s sexuality had been seriously suppressed for centuries! No wonder we are not so in touch with our primal desires

 

Which brings me to another idea:

 

Maybe some men here are right, maybe instead of us expecting them to change to be more like us, maybe we should change to be more like them? Maybe we should re-learn to enjoy other men the same (or similar) way they enjoy other women.

 

Maybe that can be the solution for at least some of us?

 

 

See, that sort of supports what I've just said. Maybe we (women with this problem) just need to relax and re-learn to enjoy…

 

Well if women started acting like men we would all be sluts! Men like us to be innocent and sweet. If we were like they were, the dream for them would die.

[Jersey Shortie]

"I enjoy porn a lot, and the two of us even share/swap our collections. I'm not sure about your comfort level, but I'd definitely try to share this interest with him. Let him know it's ok to not hide it, and watch it with him if you're up to it! It actually ends up being a great turn-on for both of you, you might be surprised."

 

 

Awww, yes every girl dreams of the day she can be the tool her boyfriend gets off in while he looks at other women with implants and silcone lips getting banged. Aren't men great. They really care about their women.

 

The sad fact is men can't committ and they want the best of both worlds. Porn is extremely important to many men and that is why so many of them spend the time they do seeking it out. It is sad that the women in their life can't be just as important.

[LivA]

So, if you offer things to your BF, like blow jobs, quickie sex, morning sex, afternoon sex, night sex, cum in your mouth anytime of the day, etc., etc., and he is still addicted to porn, would it just be best to move on?

[tashsih]

diff strokes for diff folks i know but wtf is "wrong" with some porn watch'n - I def love it but... guys are so diff & sometmes i worry if it would make there mind wander about trying to find some strange... I think it's just jealousy, low self esteem, or low confedence in the relationship that brings it out of the partner that doesn't dig it.

I've been offended by my guy going at it but I think it's stupid to worry and i rarely do ...it only even seems to bother me if there's something else thats a catylist

This whole thing of demanding him not to though... sucks ..

 

I know I wouldn't stop haha not a 1 of my friends would either

 

Maybe you could feel more comfortable by starting to pick out ones for him that way you can find girls who look like you or something not so harecore etc-whatever might ease your mind enough to start to accept that this IS normal

The only part I dont like about my bf watching it is when its a girl that is COMPLETE my opposite that made me feel weird once so I gave his bro his old ones and bought a few that had girls that were just a lil less intimidateing and i swear i dont ever worry about it - i m prob just wierd haha

[CATENZA]

My husband picks up techniques from porn ... good stuff!

[rtHawk]

is that before of after he has gone to the SC???????

[Hugh_950]

But what about the underlying issue that he is totally ok with lying to my face?

 

You're being juvinile.

 

ALL men masturbate. None of them do it without either an image to look at or some fantacy in their mind ... it aint always you.

 

Very very very very few men are ok with telling their wives, "ok, I masurbate and I do it by looking at or thinking about other women". All men do it but how many men could admit it?

 

Thats the way it is.

 

How will you deal with this? Well now that you know the truth, you'll have to fugure out for yourself how to deal with it.

 

But if you decide that it means he doesen't love you, that's just you deciding that on your own. There are men who love their wives but there are no men who don't masturbate.

 

Here's my point: Masturbation, looking at pictures or fantacies does not in itself mean he doesn't love you.

 

And it's embarrasing, even humiliating for most men to know that their wives know they do it. It's easier to lie.

 

You could become a lesbian, but I think you'll find the same truth over there too.

 

I think the answer lies in: Stop thinking it's a horrible thing. Stop thiking it means he doesn't love you (not because of that anyway).

 

Just tellling you how it is in hopes that I can help

[Hugh_950]

Everyone has urges yes. However not everyone has urges to think of people besides their partner sexually.

 

That's just not true.

 

There's no such thing as a man who doesn't, at least occasionally, indulge in a fantacy about somone else. That's the way it is.

 

It's probably rare if a man actually tells this little fact to his wife.

 

If that hurts you then you are hurt by a fact of life and I think your expectations need an adjustment.

[rainfall]

That's just not true.

 

There's no such thing as a man who doesn't, at least occasionally, indulge in a fantacy about somone else. That's the way it is.

 

It's probably rare if a man actually tells this little fact to his wife.

 

If that hurts you then you are hurt by a fact of life and I think your expectations need an adjustment.

 

Actually some men don't want to screw other women. Just because YOU do and maybe the majority of men do doesn't mean everyman does. Some people are actually happy with their partner and view them picturing some random chick naked on top of them as wrong.

 

I don't need to "lower" my expectations of my man. Its probably just as rare to find the man who doesn't need to think of others as it is to find the man who tells his wife "honey you are attractive enough for me so I need porn"