I am in the middle of packing my bags. My H and I have been talking about divorce and seperation for a few months. It started again today, we were at the zoo and feeding the Girraffs, and my H wanted to get it on video, so I thought he was ready so I fed it and then video taped him. He said he did not get me and that I was rude for not asking if he was ready. I said I was sorry but that was not enough, he left the zoo. Luckily we took our scooters so I was able to get home and was not stranded. This felt like it was it, the last argument. So when I got home I asked my H to leave so I could pack my things. About 10 min later I called him saying this is too big of a decision to just make, that we needed to talk. I still love my H, but we just can't seem to make things work. We both mention the D word when we fight (most likly to manipulate the other) and both agree we are not sure if this will last.
So my questions, is what now? I mean I really love him, but this has gotten so hard.
So I am finished packing and my H is still gone, I called him because I needed to make sure he was safe. He said he was and is very depressed and he has thought about killing himself (which he could do, we have four guns in the house). I don't know if he would, he is very smart and even said his inteligence tells him not to.
He is mad because I have not been picking up more around the house like I said I would. I told him it's because I am depressed and have not felt like doing much, but spend time with him.
I think I may have given up because for so long everything was my fault, I was too emotional and had to get over my H and his porn. Then one day I did get over it, all of it. I was told for 5 years, I was to sensative and it's all my low self esteem, my lack of trust that was ruining our relationship. Then, I just realized that I did not want to live like this anymore. That I did not want our intimacy to come 2nd. So when I finally said it was over and he said he was willing to work on it, I guess I did not know what to do. I thougt I did, I thought I was giving it 100% but he made me realize that I really wasn't. Now, I was the one not trying! I guess I stopped caring, not for him because I do love him, but about trying to make it work, I just gave up.
I feel aweful, I love him, but we are making each other unhappy. We fight all the time and make the other person feel like we don't care anymore. But we do! We really love each other we just can't seem to be nice to each other. We were having a great weekend, minus a few arguments about small things and now I am packing up my things. We even talked about how excited we were to have the day off together tomorrow.
My H is on his way to his brothers and I am just sitting here with a bad heahache from crying feeling guilty. I want to leave, but I want to stay. I want to leave because I don't want to cry anymore, or feel guilty or depressed. I also don't want to hurt my H. However, I love him. As he said we are waiting for the straw to break the camels back.
I would feel better if I knew he was going to be okay. I could leave thinking I did what was best for both of us if I knew he would be okay, safe!
Did I read that correctly? Your husband left you at the zoo because you didn't ask him if he was ready for you to videotape him? Whaaaaa?
And then you went home and packed?
If I read that right...wow. What a big baby he is. Frankly, not to be rude but you both sound much to immature for marriage. How old are you both?
Marriage is for mature people. It just doesn't work if you're both childish.
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“There's no thrill in easy sailing when the skies are clear and blue, there's no joy in merely doing things which any one can do. But there is some satisfaction that is mighty sweet to take, when you reach a destination that you never thought you'd make”
Just curious as to how long you both have been together?
I mean if you're both fighting about the timing regarding videotaping feeding the giraffe at the zoo how are you going to handle more serious issues like child-rearing, finances, family issues, etc. etc.
Anyway, why not wait until you both calm down and discuss things? Make some changes in yoru relationship or end it. Talk about specific things you will each do and DO them...or else end it.
I guess I should have included some more information. I have actually posted here a few times, mostly as a guest about the issue my H and I are having. The two main issus I have with him are: Porn and communication. The main issue with me is that I am messy, which I guess sometimes I am, especially lately, bur normally, I am the one who does most of the house work.
I am 24, he is 30, we have been toegther 10 years in septemper and married 7 years in June. Maybe we are immature, maybe we have just had enough. In my eyes, living and working on the said issues for 6 years is a long time.
We have both talked about it and neither of us can come up with a solution. He is getting better about masterbating, while I have not gotten better about cleaning. I know this is wrong of me and I do not want pitty on this issue, but advice. I stopped caring enough to put effort into it.
Below are my other threades so you can have some more info:
Maybe you two need some time apart right now. I don't know, but why not go to a hotel or friends for a few days until you both calm down and can talk rationally. I don't know your story, but it seems to me you both might benefit from counseling, both individually and marriage.
So sorry you're going through this, and I don't really have any wonderful words of wisdom for you. Just wanted to let you know we're here for you.
Touche I should have also replied more directly. Yes, I have refused to even consider kids until I knew we my H and I were in a place where our relationship was going to work out. Since things have been rocky, ro me anyways, for a while I put having kids on the back burner. Other decisions though we are fine on, we have great credit a house nice cars. We are very responsible with those things. We just each have issues we are having a hard time getting over.
What2donow, that is kindof my thinking. I told my H my packing does not mean forever, that I still love him, I just don't know what else to do. I don't want to fight so leaving seems like a way to fix that.
It happens. On Memorial Day six years ago my ex (25 year marriage, raised two good kids) and I went to the local theater to see "Pearl Harbor" with M-a-t-t D-a-m-o-n.... we missed the movie start by a couple of minutes, it was my fault. While on the way to grab lunch (matinee) she said in a normal tone of voice "I'm moving out... need space" etc. Pretty Wierd.
Of course she didn't mention the boyfriend part (20 year on and off affair I didn't know about).
I'd give it a little more time to see if any other footwear falls.
Obviously you two need a "time out" from one another. A sepearation doesn't mean you're seprating forever,
And, you need to get some education about how to be married, contrary to popluar belief ~ we're not born with it?! Wheather you get it through IC or MC, or through reading ~ you azz doesn't need to move forward unitil you get it ~ however you get it.
So, for the time being you need to go to your repsective corners, and behave yourseleves. For you, you should get into individual conuseling and martial counseling, while telling the DH to just chill and do the same.
Its time to adapt and overcome, re-adujst you attitude and perspective,
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I may not be perfect! But, parts of me are pretty awesome, and I'm working on the rest!
I mean if you're both fighting about the timing regarding videotaping feeding the giraffe at the zoo how are you going to handle more serious issues like child-rearing, finances, family issues, etc. etc.
how would you like it if you invited me to dinner and i showed up at your house wearing a monkey mask?
Sweetie, you are only 24. If you've been with him for ten years... then you've been with this guy since you were FOURTEEN YEARS OLD. You don't know anything different than how you're treated in this relationship. But I'm telling you that there's better to be had out in the world.
When I read through your other threads... it's easy to see that this guy is pretty much a meathead. He's given you quite a bit of lip-service about "working things out"... but what has he actually DONE about it? ...Besides letting you find your own way home from the zoo.
Every problem you've had with him has pretty much been blown off or turned back around so that YOU can take the blame for it. His biggest action toward marital recovery is "not masturbating quite as much"???
You had a problem with porn use and it's effects on intimacy. Has he addressed that any better than last time you posted, where his solution was to tell you to "get over it"???
Look, you don't have a bunch of kids to hold you back. Why not just go ahead and get out of this toxic relationship. There are LOTS of good things to be had in life. You could go to college, change careers, travel... whatever you want. And once you've achieved a certain amount of independence, you'll begin to look at potential partners in a different way. It won't always be about what YOU bring to the table... but also what they bring to you.
It's a scary thing to strike out on your own. But, the longest journey starts with just a single step. And you won't know what you're capable of unless you set some goals and shoot for them.
If you have a place to go, consider going there. Get yourself an attorney and file your paperwork so you're free from this mess in the shortest order possible. And if your husband starts calling you with suicide threats... turn those over to the police. If he means it, they'll make sure he gets the help he needs, and if he doesn't... he'll stop doing it.
IMPORTANT: If he's got a bunch of guns, make sure you keep yourself safe. Contact your local domestic abuse center if he threatens you in ANY way.
Bottom line...
Quote:
Words + Action = The Truth
Words - Action = Bullsh*t
He hasn't put his money where his mouth is. How long has it been since he actually delivered on his promises? If you say "Next to Never".... there's your answer.
Please listen to Ladyjane. She doesn't tell just anybody to leave a relationship.
What is stopping you from leaving? Probably the same things that were stopping me from leaving my abusive husband. You love him, you feel guilty, and you fear you may be doing the wrong thing.
LOVE: First of all, you have been with your husband since you were 14. You never had the opportunity to be loved and cherished by a respectful, mature man. You probably love your husband because you've invested so much time into the relationship. Yet he doesn't fulfill many (if any) of your emotional needs or desires. You are still very young! There are men in the world who don't fixate on porn, who will communicate in an open and healthy way, and work to fulfill your emotional needs. Once you meet one of these men, I'm sure you'll realize how little your husband deserved your love. Being alone is also better than being with someone like your husband.
GUILT: Your husband doesn't seem to feel guilty about not fulfilling your needs. In fact, it sounds like he is completely self-centered and concerned about fulfilling only his own needs. On top of all that, he tries to control you with threatening suicide. He has had 10 years to learn how to treat you right. It's time for you to feel guilty about not doing what's best for YOU and not worry about what he wants. If you have trouble overcoming the guilt (I did!), a therapist can help a lot.
DOING THE WRONG THING: At this point, it sounds like staying in the marriage would be the wrong thing for you. Can you see yourself growing old with your husband? If the answer is no, then you know it's time to go.
Fear of the unknown is strong...I know. But, you don't have kids and you are only 24! Take some time for yourself. In a very short period of time, I think you'll realize that doing what you want to do without having to deal with your husband's tantrums and guilt trips is wonderful.
Hi all, thanks for the replies. We do need time out! I have tried to talk to my H and he just won't listen for more then 30 min. It was weird, I went home this morning, we agreed to meet at 10am to talk. I was there about 30 min when his brother called...this was the convo:
B - hey whats up
H - not much just chillin
B - Want to go to breakfast
H - sure give me a little bit and I will call you back
Just like that H said he was going to breakfast, needed some time to relax and left. So I came on here read your posts, thanks again, and headed back to my dads. I don't know what to do. I miss my home and my cat and my H very much. I want to work on this, but I don't think we can.
I asked my H why for the past three -four years when I asked him to go to marriage counsoling with me he said no and now he is okay, but it had to get to this for that to happen. He said, maybe I thought you were overreacting. Which I knew was the answer to that questions. So why does he say I am giving up, when I have tried to get him to work on this with me.
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