Packing, what now?

[Gunny376]

When we talked about how we had hurt each other verbally (not name calling, we have never done that) but just by blaming mostly, he said he is very sorry and never wanted to hurt me. I believe that! He has never laid a hand on me or made me feel scared for my life. I think he is just lost and needs someone to help him find his way, while I might not be able to do that 100% I want to put him in contact with someone who will. Do you think it is best that we meet somewhere public?

 

Until you can better assess the situation ~ and things calmed down, and rational thinking prevails, and there's not any talk of suicide ~ I'd be very cautious.

 

All of this can bring out a person that you didn't realize was there, and never knew existed. They don't call it "Crazy-Time" for nothing.

[MoonGirl]

When we talked about how we had hurt each other verbally (not name calling, we have never done that) but just by blaming mostly, he said he is very sorry and never wanted to hurt me. I believe that! He has never laid a hand on me or made me feel scared for my life. I think he is just lost and needs someone to help him find his way, while I might not be able to do that 100% I want to put him in contact with someone who will. Do you think it is best that we meet somewhere public?

 

 

I think meeting him at all right now is not a good idea. Tell him that if he is suicidal, he needs to check himself into a hospital. Tell him that you will visit him there, or that you will discuss his feelings on the phone.

 

You can't be the one to help him right now because you are too close to him emotionally. He needs professional help.

[redfathom]

Last year my husband and I were separated and he was trying to get me to consider reconciliation. I went to visit a friend and her family for a week in the summer and when I left I gave my husband the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "The Five Love Languages" and asked him to please read them. I made sure to tell him how important it was to me. Needless to say, he never got past the first page before he dismissed them, and my feelings, completely. He also refuses to go to MC. MC's are all quacks and books are just a bunch of mumbo jumbo. That is his opinion. Talking leads to arguing and more resentment so nothing is ever resolved.

 

So I can definitely relate to your feelings that your husband has done nothing towards changing or working on your relationship. Unfortunately, I can't offer any good advice because I am not having any luck myself. But I can sympathize and offer you a *hug*.

 

I am sorry that you are going through this also. It is very hard when you love someone and they do not respect you. My H has not taken my feelings serious for a long time and it has just come to this. It is very hard when you love someone and you want to be with them but you also have a certain idea of what you deserve and how you should be treated. In a perfect world our spouses would understand this and do nice things for us just because they love us and cherish us.

[redfathom]

Does this sound threatening to you?

 

During my last argument with my H he said the following when he wanted to leave to see his brother for breakfast and I said I was not done talking:

 

"Do you know how many domestic calls I go to because the guy wanted to leave to cool off and his wife would not let him!"

 

Does this sound like a warning? Should I be concerned?

[AHIWON]

Does this sound threatening to you?

 

During my last argument with my H he said the following when he wanted to leave to see his brother for breakfast and I said I was not done talking:

 

"Do you know how many domestic calls I go to because the guy wanted to leave to cool off and his wife would not let him!"

 

Does this sound like a warning? Should I be concerned?

 

To me that certainly sounds like a warning. If he genuinely meant it or he was using it to control you but never actually carrying it out has has to be figured out.

[ilmw]

Red..

 

Is your H in Law Enforcement?

[PWSX3]

I could be wrong here, but most people that want to kill themselves do it, they don't tell other people about it. If you are telling someone about it then you probably don't want to do it or you are just looking for sepathy.

 

Just like some of the others here have said you can never say never. In a town not to far from ours a cops wife went and shot a Dep. Sheriffs wife so anything can happen.

[AHIWON]

I could be wrong here, but most people that want to kill themselves do it, they don't tell other people about it. If you are telling someone about it then you probably don't want to do it or you are just looking for sepathy.

 

Just like some of the others here have said you can never say never. In a town not to far from ours a cops wife went and shot a Dep. Sheriffs wife so anything can happen.

 

Thats always been my understanding of it too. People who talk about it are looking for help or using it as a method of control.

[ilmw]

Thats always been my understanding of it too. People who talk about it are looking for help or using it as a method of control.

 

Yup... pretty much

[dgiirl]

Does this sound threatening to you?

 

During my last argument with my H he said the following when he wanted to leave to see his brother for breakfast and I said I was not done talking:

 

"Do you know how many domestic calls I go to because the guy wanted to leave to cool off and his wife would not let him!"

 

Does this sound like a warning? Should I be concerned?

 

Yes and no.

 

I appologize for not reading your entire thread, but I have read the first few of your posts. It sounds like you and your husband are both immature. At the first sign of losing an argument, you both threaten divorce for control. How can you expect to have a healthy loving relationship if you use fear tactics to get what you want?

 

I have to ask you if you do give your H enough time to cool down, or do you expect him to sit and listen to your grievances until you are satisfied? You mentioned getting upset because he left an argument after 30 minutes of talking? An argument or discussion of such serious matters should not be this long, and I could understand your husband wanting to leave. If after the first 10-20 minutes, you two dont seem to be making any progress, then all you are doing is bitching. And if the alternative to him getting upset and blowing up is to leave, the mature thing would be to give him the respect, space and time he needs to cool down. During this cool down period, he'll be able to reflect on what has been said, and hopefully you two can come to a compromise afterwards. It seems like he knows this, and this is why he's choosing to take a break from the situation. I'm not defending any of his actions in regards to why you two are arguing, however, it does sound like you need to know how to pick your battles.

 

Women and Men do handle conflict differently. Women need to feel heard. Men like to feel needed and useful. Your constant talking about the problems is for YOU to feel heard. It gives zero benefit to your husband. If men cant fix the problem for you, they often see that as a blow to their self esteem. They need to feel that there's a solution to the problem, and if he cant "fix" it, he'll give up. You now have a choice on what actions you will do. Will you continue to act in a way that is temporarily benifical to YOU by constantly talking about the problem, or learn to communicate in a way your husband can understand and relate back to you?

 

The main question you need to ask yourself is if you want to be right or happy? This doesnt give your H carte blanch to do any and everything he wants, but the first step to resolve your marital problems would be to learn how to communicate differently. Once you start being more flexible in your communicate patterns, then you can honestly say you've done your best. If you are not already, I strongly suggest individual counseling. If your marriage really means something to you, the least you can do is to get help! Pay your dues, make the sacrifices of going into counseling. Once you start doing your share, then you can ask your H to go into marital counseling. Too often people refuse to go into counseling simply because the other spouse wont go. That is such a cop out of responsibility for your own marriage.

[AHIWON]

All I have to say is killer post Dgirl! I'd only change one word at the end of the second paragraph form pick your battles to conduct your battles. Picking sounds too much like you would be selecting the easy ones.

[MoonGirl]

dgiirl and AHIWON,

 

Although dgiirl's post contains some useful information for some people, RF has been dealing with a husband who has refused again and again to meet her needs. On top of that, he blames everything on her, threatens suicide when things don't go his way, cuts her off when she's talking, makes new plans with his friends or brother during a pre-planned meeting with his wife and bolts on her, etc. Sure, she may need to work on her communication skills, but her relationship will not last if her husband is not willing to take responsibility for his actions and stop placing ALL the blame on his wife. Even LadyJane has suggested to RF that she should move on...and LadyJane doesn't take divorce lightly.

 

Also, if only one spouse is willing to go to couseling, what does that say about the state of a marriage?

[dgiirl]

MoonGirl that might be the case, and of course if the H doesnt start making changes, the state of the marriage will not be successful. However, very often our relationships get into cyclical patterns where one responds to another's actions to the point that he does this because she does that, and she does that because he does this. His threats of suicide is not much different than her threats of divorce. Both are scare tactics to control the other person.

 

She asked if her husband relating a story of domestic violence to her unwillingness to let him go is a threat. In my pov, what he is saying is true. When we get worked up, too often we dont let the other person walk away. Instead we keep following demanding to be heard without realizing how easily it can escalate into a domestic violence situation. I dont think very many people _plan_ to get into a punching brawl with their spouse. But in the heat of the moment, we lose control. His walking away in the heat of the moment is a way for him to gain composure again. If she is following him, not allowing him the space to cool down after requested, then she is responsible for his reactions.

 

I'm not at all saying she deserves his current treatment. But you can either focus on how things _should_ be, or actually focus on the problem at hand and find a way to deal with it. Divorce is definitely one option. But I think until she's exhausted all other options, divorce should be her last one. If her life is in danger, then by all means, leave the house. It will give you both time to cool down and reflect on what you want. However, this should not absolve her from fixing her own issues. She has contributed to this relationship and has full responsibility for the current state of her marriage (so does he), and if he's abusive towards her, she has to take responsibility for allowing that to happen. After all, we teach people how to treat us. If he's abusive, she needs a backbone and become assertive (not aggressive, which it sounds like she is). Counselling will help her not only in her current marriage, but if divorce is to happen, it will help her for future relationships too. It will be a disservice to her if she simply walks away from this marriage allowing herself to place all the blame on him. She needs to know how _she_ ended up in this situation in the first place so that it will not repeat itself.

[redfathom]

dgirl, I suggest you read my other posts so you will really understand what is going on. I am not making THREATS of divorve I am saying that I wanta divorce if I do not get the respect I deserve. While you may think I am being immature for trying to talk to my H about our problems, I do not agree. I think it is very mature of me to say for the last three years I have been trying to accept my situatution then decided that I could no longer accept it so I need to 1. let my H know how I was feeling because my feelings in reponse to his actions, thus if he does not know how I am feeling and does not try to change his actions then I will always continue to be hurt and unhappy. 2. I moved out so we could both have space instead of fighting with one another and yes when I tell my H I am unhappy because he did X, he says I did X because you did Y, so he always validates his actions but not my feelings. I am going to IC and have been since December, I started to go because my H said he would not go to MC with me so I decided that IC would be a start, if I could not get him to realize there was a problem then I would have to change my thinking about it and also wanted unbiased objective input from a professional on my situation. My Therapist says my H is a sex addict and my H agrees that he is has an addiction yet until know did not want to seek help.

 

Also, I am not an aggressive person yes while I did have a problem with being assertive, I don't think I could have gotten more assertive. I said to my H I am unhappy things have to change, he is/was unwilling to believe me so I left. I got out of a situation I am uphappy in.

 

I did read your post about your H leaving and how you were shocked because he never mentioned that he was unhappy until he announced that he wanted a divorce. All I can say is how can you be critical of the fact that I did say I was unhappy and gave me and my H the chance to fix what was wrong instead of just leaving. So I am being a bigger and more mature person then most people on here. I did not cheat or have an EA, I came flat out and said I am not happy things need to change, if not then we are better off finding people who can make us happy. But hey, let;t's atleast try and for three-four years I have been doing just that.

[redfathom]

dgiirl and AHIWON,

 

Although dgiirl's post contains some useful information for some people, RF has been dealing with a husband who has refused again and again to meet her needs. On top of that, he blames everything on her, threatens suicide when things don't go his way, cuts her off when she's talking, makes new plans with his friends or brother during a pre-planned meeting with his wife and bolts on her, etc. Sure, she may need to work on her communication skills, but her relationship will not last if her husband is not willing to take responsibility for his actions and stop placing ALL the blame on his wife. Even LadyJane has suggested to RF that she should move on...and LadyJane doesn't take divorce lightly.

 

Also, if only one spouse is willing to go to couseling, what does that say about the state of a marriage?

 

Thank you Moongirl. I really appreicate your understanding of the situation, I think some people believe if a marrigae fails it's becuase us women are too sensative or were not nurturing enough, like it's our full responsibilty to make any relationship work. I know how hard your marriage was and you stayed becuase you really TRIED and you gave 100% and I hope you feel good knowing that while you deserved better you still put someone and something before you for a long time to try and make it work.

 

On a side note, I did go home last night and my H acted as if nothing was wrong, he gave me a kiss hello and a hug and just kept holding me. When I made mention of the suicide threats from this morning, he kindof brushed it off like what I was saying was silly, they he would never do anything like that becuase it would be dumb. I made him promise me anyways. So I think you were right and he just needed to find a way to get me to come over so we could talk. I did tell him that while I want to spend time with him I do not want to move back in until things really start changing and he understood. So today we are going on date to the movies and then dinner and tomorrow he will be doing something fun for himself and then gone for five days. So we will see how it works out.

[redfathom]

Also Dgirl , in reposne to the DV post you made 1. I never stop him from leaving all I said was that I was not done talking and that was that, I never get in his face or close the door or anything 2. It sounds to me like you are excusing such actions by saying "well, if we women would just let our men leave then we would not be hit by them." Remember the old saying two wrongs don't make a right. Well, there IS NEVER an excuse for hitting your spouse. I saw my mom beat up almost every day by her ex H and I told my H right off the bat, if you ever call me a bad name, B***H, I will leave you. To me, that is just the step prior to there potentially being a physically abusive fight.

[Ladyjane14]

On a side note, I did go home last night and my H acted as if nothing was wrong, he gave me a kiss hello and a hug and just kept holding me. When I made mention of the suicide threats from this morning, he kindof brushed it off like what I was saying was silly, they he would never do anything like that becuase it would be dumb. I made him promise me anyways. So I think you were right and he just needed to find a way to get me to come over so we could talk. I did tell him that while I want to spend time with him I do not want to move back in until things really start changing and he understood. So today we are going on date to the movies and then dinner and tomorrow he will be doing something fun for himself and then gone for five days. So we will see how it works out.

 

If he manipulates you, and is successful in doing so... what does he learn, Red?

 

.... He learns that he can.

 

THIS is the dynamic that has to change. THIS is where the two of you have been unequal in the past... your husband cast in the role of "leader" and you as the hapless "follower". If you want equality, you're gonna have to TAKE it and hold onto it.

 

I would recommend to you that you educate yourself on Suicide Prevention. You can start with online resources and even call the local hotline in your area. That way you'll be confident in knowing how to handle these threats. What you CAN'T do though is to feed that particular demon by allowing it to manipulate you successfully.

[jnb]

later that night he said "it takes two in a marriage and everything is 50/50".

 

WRONG!

 

It takes two people giving 100% each, treating each other with respect, and each putting the other (wants, needs, etc) before their own. Its about firmly establishing your bounderies, clearly defining minor, major, and intolergable offenses.

 

No one can give 100% all the time, it's simply not possible. A couple completments each others strengths and weakness, where she's weak he's strong and where he's weak she's strong. WE all have intolerable offenses, no one is perfect, we all make mistakes and someone can always do it better then someone else.

[redfathom]

Ladyjane,

 

You are very right. Yesterday I started to research suicide and found some helpful info. I also got an 800 # to call which I will to get more info. I will learn how to respond to him in a way that is constructive for both. My recommendation to him in future will be that I will have SOMEONE help him. Not me, I realize that I can't be responsible to help him. I will support him and recommend he see's someone who will help him. The info I found did say to not invalidate his threats so I can't try to call his bluff so to say, if it is indeed a bluff. If it is not then I have to be extra careful and walk on the side of caution.

 

Maybe I should just be a total B***H to him so he will not want me anymore.

[redfathom]

JNB that is true unless the other person takes advantage of you. No person who loves another person should ever take advantage of them and hold there strenghts over them so that they can control them.

[jnb]

JNB that is true unless the other person takes advantage of you. No person who loves another person should ever take advantage of them and hold there strenghts over them so that they can control them.

 

Redfathom, you're right, controlling another individual is wrong, it's either abusive or manipulative. Spouses take advantage of each other all the time, using their strength to propel them further in life together. It's not a bad thing unless done with ill will.

[ilmw]

later that night he said "it takes two in a marriage and everything is 50/50".

 

No one can give 100% all the time, it's simply not possible. A couple completments each others strengths and weakness, where she's weak he's strong and where he's weak she's strong. WE all have intolerable offenses, no one is perfect, we all make mistakes and someone can always do it better then someone else.

 

True..

 

Another way to look at it is like this:

 

"how much responsibility should we take for our relationships... 50%?? No...100% You do your best all the time...

 

No we are not perfect... we can make mistakes... we can be worn down... But by taking the 100% responsibility we.. try harder longer... and more consistanlty.. So when we are tired, grumpy.... not at are best... our other half.. is ready to take up the slack...

 

It is just another way to look at it....

 

I used think 50% was all I had to do... nope... When I was tired.. grumpy....not at my best.... my percentage sliped..... below the 50% mark...

 

Not Good.

ilmw

[ilmw]

Red,

 

Is your H in Law Enforcement?

 

I am asking for a reason...

 

ilmw

[MoonGirl]

ilmw,

 

Yes, her husband is a cop.

[MoonGirl]

Thank you Moongirl. I really appreicate your understanding of the situation, I think some people believe if a marrigae fails it's becuase us women are too sensative or were not nurturing enough, like it's our full responsibilty to make any relationship work. I know how hard your marriage was and you stayed becuase you really TRIED and you gave 100% and I hope you feel good knowing that while you deserved better you still put someone and something before you for a long time to try and make it work.

 

On a side note, I did go home last night and my H acted as if nothing was wrong, he gave me a kiss hello and a hug and just kept holding me. When I made mention of the suicide threats from this morning, he kindof brushed it off like what I was saying was silly, they he would never do anything like that becuase it would be dumb. I made him promise me anyways. So I think you were right and he just needed to find a way to get me to come over so we could talk. I did tell him that while I want to spend time with him I do not want to move back in until things really start changing and he understood. So today we are going on date to the movies and then dinner and tomorrow he will be doing something fun for himself and then gone for five days. So we will see how it works out.

 

 

Yes, I know how hard it is to be in a marriage where a husband is unwilling (and seemingly uninterested in) meeting my needs. I did put in my 100% over and over again, and I understand why you're pursuing that avenue as well. Then, if your marriage ends, you will know that you tried. For me, it was more about trying for the kids than for myself. I am not sure what I would have done if there were no kids involved - I likely would have left much sooner.

 

You are allowing your H to control you with his threats, but you already know that. I think it will be good for him to be gone for 5 days. I hope you can spend some of that time working on yourself, doing things that you need to do for you.