Packing, what now?

[Gunny376]

later that night he said "it takes two in a marriage and everything is 50/50".

 

WRONG!

 

It takes two people giving 100% each, treating each other with respect, and each putting the other (wants, needs, etc) before their own. Its about firmly establishing your bounderies, clearly defining minor, major, and intolergable offenses.

[redfathom]

later that night he said "it takes two in a marriage and everything is 50/50".

 

WRONG!

 

It takes two people giving 100% each, treating each other with respect, and each putting the other (wants, needs, etc) before their own. Its about firmly establishing your bounderies, clearly defining minor, major, and intolergable offenses.

 

 

That response from him, was in reply to what I said, that I had changed (grown up) and we were both having a hard time dealing with that. He said, it's not all your fault, it's 50/50 a marriage takes two people.

 

 

I agree about putting others needs before my won, I think for a while I put most of his needs first. To the point where I even tried to accept the porn issue and after a while it did not upset me like it used to (unless I felt it progressed to another level , such as buying toys for himself - even after I suggested we buy toys together).

 

I usually try to be flexible and in the early years of the marriage I thought that was what I had to do, be the good wife that takes care of her husband. Then as I got older I realized that I had needs that needed to be met and even if he thought they were unresonable, they were important to me and it was okay that I felt this way.

 

Here is a pefect example. We got take out, Mexican, and my H dopped his food on the floor. I offered him my food and said I would just go make something for myself, he accepted and I even offered to make him some tacos while I was making mine and he accepted. So he ate while I cooked us dinner. I know this seems small, but these are the kinds of things I would do, which are okay.

 

I can say that I did not put my boundraies out there, I think this was because i was too young and honestly did not know what they were and when I finally put a few out there, my H was too set in his ways to accept and understand them.

 

We are supposed to talk later so I will post again tonight, I REALLY appreicate the feeback I am getting.

[redfathom]

I just called my H as he was heading into work and I said the following:

 

"I know you are trying to work on the porn issue and I just realized that I have not been very supportive of it and I wanted to say that I know it seems overwhelming but I know you can do it."

 

He did mentioned to me that he is afraid of disappointing me (this was about four weeks ago) and I told him I could never be disappointed, so I guess that is kindof like what I said, but it's okay to reaffirm things.

 

I am not sure what the outcome of our situation will be or what I want it to be, but I do love him and figure I should be supportive as a wife and a friend. No matter what happens I want him to know that I did and do appreicate him even if it did not work out between us.

 

I am posting this because I could use some feedback.

[MoonGirl]

I just called my H as he was heading into work and I said the following:

 

"I know you are trying to work on the porn issue and I just realized that I have not been very supportive of it and I wanted to say that I know it seems overwhelming but I know you can do it."

 

He did mentioned to me that he is afraid of disappointing me (this was about four weeks ago) and I told him I could never be disappointed, so I guess that is kindof like what I said, but it's okay to reaffirm things.

 

I am not sure what the outcome of our situation will be or what I want it to be, but I do love him and figure I should be supportive as a wife and a friend. No matter what happens I want him to know that I did and do appreicate him even if it did not work out between us.

 

I am posting this because I could use some feedback.

 

RF,

 

It was good to reaffirm that you appreciate your husbands efforts, but telling him that you won't be disappointed in him sounds like you're telling him that his behavior is already good enough. If that were true, you'd still be living together. Your husband has a lot of work to do and it will take a lot of time to accomplish (if he can do it). Sure, comment on his improvements, but don't let him think that you'll go back to him if he's not willing to meet your needs.

 

It sound like you're spending a lot of time concentrating on what you want your husband to accomplish. Has your husband put forth any effort to accomplish these things? Will he read the books you're reading? Will he discuss them with you? I know he agreed to MC. Have you gone yet?

 

What do you want for yourself? Your separation from your husband should be a time for you to work on yourself as well: assess what your needs are, build your self-esteem, and explore the things you want in life.

[redfathom]

I have to say that he says he has been working on his "issues" for a few years, but I believe they have gotten worse. Maybe over the past month he has gotten better, but I think I still needed space because it was at that time too little too late. Who knows maybe in a few months it will be enough. The thing is, he is not even talking about working on anything. I gave him some links to read a while back and he said he lost them, but never did any searching of his own. I am the one buying books and researching on the internet then sharing that with him.

 

When I talked to him last night he said:

 

"You should go buy a memory foam pillow top for the futon you are sleeping on, then when you move back we will just give it to my brother."

 

So he is just thinking I need time and will then move back. He seems be acting like the victim and saying that I do not care about him or consider his needs. So he has not yet mentioned that he is working on anything, I made an MC appt. but it't not until 3-12.

 

I think you are right and i should be supportive but also let him know that I am expecting more. It's hard to get a man to improve himself, when he thinks he is pefect.

 

I actually asked him once what he did not like about himself and he said, "nothing, I try not to think about myself in any negative way."

[MoonGirl]

"It's hard to get a man to improve himself, when he thinks he is pefect."

 

Not only is it hard, it is impossible. Before you'll see any change, your husband will first have to recognize that he is not perfect.

 

After a while, you'll realize you just can’t work with someone who can’t take any blame, who places all the blame on others, who can’t apologize, who can’t even begin to realize that someone else might be right sometimes.

 

I hope that you're able to break through to your husband, but please be sure to start concentrating on what you need in life. Maybe in a few weeks you'll feel differently about your situation.

[redfathom]

I do have a funny story about him always being right. On Friday we went on a company ski/snowboarding trip, we had a great time. On the way back, someone had gone # 2 in the restroom on the bus and it made the bus smell something aweful so the people in the back opened the vents at the stop of the bus. Then my H opened the one at the front, then he went back and adjusted the back vent. When he sat down he told me how he had asjusted the back vent so more air would get sucked through the bus and seemed very pleased with himself.

 

Well, on Tuesday the CFO came up to me and said, "Your husband came back and adjusted the vent and while it might have made it better up front it was not circulating the air back here, so when he left after about 30 second, I looked at T and said, that F****er and we pushed it all the way open like it was." It was actually funny, I mean my H is always doing that, he has a bit of OCD.

 

In his old car, they had roll up windows and to make sure they were rolled up all the ay before we got out of the car, he would roll them all the way down. I have to laugh about it.

 

Just thought I would share that funny story with you!

[MoonGirl]

I do have a funny story about him always being right. On Friday we went on a company ski/snowboarding trip, we had a great time. On the way back, someone had gone # 2 in the restroom on the bus and it made the bus smell something aweful so the people in the back opened the vents at the stop of the bus. Then my H opened the one at the front, then he went back and adjusted the back vent. When he sat down he told me how he had asjusted the back vent so more air would get sucked through the bus and seemed very pleased with himself.

 

Well, on Tuesday the CFO came up to me and said, "Your husband came back and adjusted the vent and while it might have made it better up front it was not circulating the air back here, so when he left after about 30 second, I looked at T and said, that F****er and we pushed it all the way open like it was." It was actually funny, I mean my H is always doing that, he has a bit of OCD.

 

In his old car, they had roll up windows and to make sure they were rolled up all the ay before we got out of the car, he would roll them all the way down. I have to laugh about it.

 

Just thought I would share that funny story with you!

 

That is funny! I used to think my husband wanted me to throw him a party every time he accomplished something. Even after doing simple things, he would walk around bragging all day. I used to think, "You lazy SOB, I do the dishes every day while you sit on the couch and watch TV. You did them once and think you deserve the dishman of-the-year award!" I know it sounds petty, but everything in our marriage was like that - all that I accomplished was played down and everything he accomplished was "all that." He was always right, and I was always wrong (unless I agreed with his expert opinion, of course). Along with all the other crap I had to put up with, this got really really old.

[redfathom]

I hear ya! When ever my H cleans the house he has to tell me all about it and then walk me around so I can see what he did, my response is always "good job honey". The funny thing is he thinks he cleans more then I do, becaus he picks up my shoes I left in the living room or my pants I left on the floow, but in MY reality I do most of the cleaning, his brother agrees (not to mention he does nothing). I just took it upon myself as one of my jobs and the more I did the more he let me do. And now the thing he says I need to fix is that I am slob, per him. I said, well you are anal and no one can live up to your standards. But over the past few weeks I really have not done much and my H is upset about this. When he mentioned it and said I do not care and am not considerate. I said, "yeah you are right, I have not been upholding my end of the deal and cleaning up more like you asked and I think it is because I don't care. Not that I don't care about you but that maybe I am depressed and I just don't feel like it."

 

I honestly can't say why I have not been cleaning, the deal was I would be more considerate about leaving things around and he would try to not look at porn so much, according to him he has been better (not stopped, but lessened over the past month) and I think I have gotten worse. I think it is because I am bitter. I had already decided that I was going to leave and was over the relationship (just tired of it, not him), my decision was based on my experience with my H when trying to deal with our problems. I was so used to his reponse being, "I have always been this way, I will not change so get used to it." So this time I expected that same response so I guess I just had to let go and I did let go, not just the frustration I felt for him and our issues but the responsibilty I felt towards him and the marriage. I am not sure if that makes me a bad person if it does, I do feel guilty about it.

 

I guess this is something I need to work on.

[MoonGirl]

Oh, I completely get where you're coming from. I didn't clean my house for 5 months. Well, I did the dishes and laundry, but that's it. H didn't clean either. I was so depressed living with him...and had no motivation.

 

My new place is spotless.

[redfathom]

So I called my H tonight, when we got off the phone last night he said he would talk to me tomorrow (which is today). Normally he has been the one calling so tonight I thought I would call him. When I talked to him he seemed anrgy, it was his tone, which I don't blame him. He asked what I wanted and I just said that I was calling since yesterday you said you would talk to me tomorrow. He then said that he was not sure what he wanted and I said I understand, me leaving was to give us both space. He then said he needed to go. I am starting to think that he has no interest in fixing things but I can't tell if that is because he does not care anymore or is because he is so upset over something not working that he just wants to get rid of it. Not sure if that makes sense.

 

I am going to see if he wants to meet up this weekend, it's hard because he keeps saying he is nt sure what he wants, I UNDERSTAND, neither do I. I guess my solution will be for us to take some time apart figure our what we want or atleast don't want and then go from there.

 

It's hard to explain why I left, basically we are both wounded and instead of continuing to attack one another I decided we both needed time to nurse our wounds so they would get better.

 

What we will do once they start to heal, well, that is something neither of us is sure about. Once you know how bad someone can hurt you it's hard to go back in the ring with them.

[PWSX3]

Just a couple thoughts as far as the cleaning the house goes.

 

When I was growing up my mom did all the house work & my dad did all the outside work. He kept the cars running (we never took a car to the shop) and he kept up with the yard & my mom did all the house work. They both had full time jobs so it wasn't like my mom just stayed home all day.

 

I used to get after my W because she wouldn't clean the house yet I did all the outside work and kept our cars running. I thought that was how things were suppose to be because that is how I grew up.

 

With counseling I have learned that part of the reason why my W didn't clean house is because she had control over something. It was something that I wanted and she could hold against me.

 

Now that we are separated I haven't seen her house but when we talk I ask what she is doing and she will reply; oh just trying to clean up the house & my son even says she does better then she used to do.

 

Separation is what you make it to be. Some use it as a step to soften the blow for divorce but if both parties are really wanting to work things out & just need a time out then I feel they will work, but again it takes both sides to look at themselves and to learn what "they" can do to better the relationship.

So far my separation is going well because we both want to make it work, but even if it doesn't "I" will be a better person because of it because that was the road "I" decided to take.

 

Hopefully your H will see that there are things he needs to do & trust me once you figure that out then the hard work begins & then if you get back together then that is when the REALLY HARD work begins.

Anything you want in life takes work and the more work the more you will appreciate it.

[MoonGirl]

 

I used to get after my W because she wouldn't clean the house yet I did all the outside work and kept our cars running. I thought that was how things were suppose to be because that is how I grew up.

 

PWSX3,

 

I could have dealt with that "agreement." Unfortunately for me, my husband expected me to do everything...the housework, the yard work, car maintenance, etc. His only interest was keeping himself happy.

 

RF,

 

Would it be possible for you to take a week-long break from your husband? You two separated for a reason, but you're in constant contact with each other. Your husband is still moody, still unsure of what he wants, still not invested in making any changes to improve your marriage. Try giving him some space to think about what he may be loosing and what he wants.

[Gunny376]

IMHO, housework is only "women's work" in so long as the woman is a healthy SAHM, or wife with healthy children or there aren't any special needs children in the picture. If both spouses are working ~ its whoever hits the back door first, with the other pitching in ~ no 50/50, more of "Let's Get Er' Done!

 

Even if the the wife is a SAHM, the DH should come in and do a bit of pitch hitting with the housework. Just to make her feel appreciated for what she does each day, and so the DH doesn't forget what a pain in the ass and how much work it is.

 

I use to give the XW some cash and told her to go buy herself something nice at the mall, that I'd watch the three kids and knock out the Saturday housecleaning. Put some Motown R&B on volume 10, (LOL ~ its gets me in housecleaning mode ~ don't ask me why?) But, as time progressed, money got tighter, time became more scarce, etc and that fell to the wayside ~ but I did do it for number of years before I moved up in the ranks and my job and responsibilities got more demanding. Maybe if I'd kept it up ~ I would still be married? Oh Well?

[redfathom]

Would it be possible for you to take a week-long break from your husband? You two separated for a reason, but you're in constant contact with each other. Your husband is still moody, still unsure of what he wants, still not invested in making any changes to improve your marriage. Try giving him some space to think about what he may be loosing and what he wants.

 

This is my thinking and I know at this moment I should be positive, but I guess I am being realistic. If my H did not think it was worth his time and effort while we were married to 1. understand and accept my feelings and 2. try to work on the things we were having issues with instead of telling to me accept them, then why should I think it would be worth his time and effort now to try to fight to save this marriage and to keep me.

 

I understand that is very negative and I think i am worth it and for the last three years I thought he was worth it and I tried and then well, I just got tired.

 

So I am going to not only focus on plan A but also plan B.

[MoonGirl]

RF,

 

Of course you're having negative feelings! That's why you're separated.

Being realistic is good, and taking a week long break might show your husband how serious you really are! Right now you're living away from him, but you're still easily accessible. What motivation does that give him to work on himself?

[redfathom]

None. I gues either way I wll have to do this, if it helps good if not well then it's just an extra week to get used to the fact that for a while I will be on my own.

[what2donow]

When my H made a threat of moving out for a week, I thought it was a good idea for us to have a break. He then backed down, but I insisted he leave. He took the book Divorce Busters and read it while he was gone. I had hopes that when he returned, we would have things to talk about, constructive things, and we would begin working together on our M. Unfortunately, nothing has changed. The only comment about the book was "it was interesting."

 

Anyway, I think we didn't use that break well. He called every day to talk to the kids, but then he would ask me about my day and what's going on and all that. It really wasn't a true break IMO -- I didn't get a chance to "miss" him. Maybe others have ideas about this, but I'm thinking that maybe we should have talked about a plan of action when he returned or something. It's so easy to just slip back into the routine of the relationship. I think the next step for us is to try MC again -- with another therapist!

 

Stay strong and even if I don't post often, I'm here for you!

[redfathom]

When my H made a threat of moving out for a week, I thought it was a good idea for us to have a break. He then backed down, but I insisted he leave. He took the book Divorce Busters and read it while he was gone. I had hopes that when he returned, we would have things to talk about, constructive things, and we would begin working together on our M. Unfortunately, nothing has changed. The only comment about the book was "it was interesting."

 

Anyway, I think we didn't use that break well. He called every day to talk to the kids, but then he would ask me about my day and what's going on and all that. It really wasn't a true break IMO -- I didn't get a chance to "miss" him. Maybe others have ideas about this, but I'm thinking that maybe we should have talked about a plan of action when he returned or something. It's so easy to just slip back into the routine of the relationship. I think the next step for us is to try MC again -- with another therapist!

 

Stay strong and even if I don't post often, I'm here for you!

 

 

Thank you so much. You really understand what I am feeling. My H has done thing towards changing, he has not read anybooks, or looked up info online. I did send him the links to www.marriagebuilder.com and www.ivillage.com (so he could read some peoples posts and there experienced) and as far as I know he has not looked at either site or any others. I am very afraid that if I went back everything would be the same. In fact, my H has made no mention of working this out, changing or anything. All he say's is he does not know, which I think it not true he just does not want to talk about it at all. He thinks this is a phase.

[redfathom]

So my H sent me a text this morning, "Tell me why I shouldn't kill myself. I can't think or a reason not to." So I called him and told him to not think or say things like that because a lot of people love and are for him and could not stand it if anything happened to him, including me. He said it is so hard for him to sleep alone and come home to no one and that he hurts in places he never knew he could. I asked him if I could call someone and what he wants me to do. I told him to think about all the people he would hurt if he did that and that if he needs to to call me. He said he did not want me to think this was in any way my fault. He said when he thinks about the people he would be hurting common sense kicks in. The # problem is that he is a police officer and had a gun on him or near him 24 hours a day and it only takes on second to do something. I asked him if I could come get the guns and if he would leave his work gun at work when he left but he said it would not matter he thinks about at work too.

 

He said he is sorry for scaring me but talking to me makes him feel better. I told him I was planning on calling to see if I could meet up with him this weekend so we could talk and he said he would really like that so I am going over tonight and again tomorrow.

 

What should I do. I want to get him help but he is too scared to get help. I want to help him but I do not want to go home yet. I told him I would come home when we could work on our problems with out hurting the other person. I told him we just need to talk and he says he still does not know what he wants. He is not sure if he wants to work on things (becuase he thinks he will fail and it is holding him back) or end things because he is afraid of failing.

 

I could use some advise. Please!!

[Very_Confused]

Last year my husband and I were separated and he was trying to get me to consider reconciliation. I went to visit a friend and her family for a week in the summer and when I left I gave my husband the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "The Five Love Languages" and asked him to please read them. I made sure to tell him how important it was to me. Needless to say, he never got past the first page before he dismissed them, and my feelings, completely. He also refuses to go to MC. MC's are all quacks and books are just a bunch of mumbo jumbo. That is his opinion. Talking leads to arguing and more resentment so nothing is ever resolved.

 

So I can definitely relate to your feelings that your husband has done nothing towards changing or working on your relationship. Unfortunately, I can't offer any good advice because I am not having any luck myself. But I can sympathize and offer you a *hug*.

[MoonGirl]

So my H sent me a text this morning, "Tell me why I shouldn't kill myself. I can't think or a reason not to."

 

 

What should I do. I want to get him help but he is too scared to get help. I want to help him but I do not want to go home yet. I told him I would come home when we could work on our problems with out hurting the other person. I told him we just need to talk and he says he still does not know what he wants. He is not sure if he wants to work on things (becuase he thinks he will fail and it is holding him back) or end things because he is afraid of failing.

 

I could use some advise. Please!!

 

 

This is totally twisted. I hope you know that. Your husband is either 1) trying to control you by threatening suicide or 2) He needs serious help because he's depressed. Maybe a bit of both.

Do NOT go home while he's home. Tell him that he needs professional help. Consider calling 911 when he threatens suicide. This could become a dangerous situation for you, especially because there are guns in the house. NEVER say NEVER. You can think you know someone well, but when they are emotionally distraught and have threatened suicide already, you have to be careful. Please be careful.

You are not your husband's savior. Despite what he may say, his responses to your actions are choices that he makes. You can not "make" him do anything. I'll give you an example...you know that you can't make him read a self-help book, so why could you make him commit suicide? Your husband is in control of his own actions, not you. He may be trying to convince you that what you do = how he reacts. This is BS. Complete BS. My husband, to this day, claims that he never started a physical fight (i.e. beat me). His reaction (beating me) was my fault because I made him mad. Your husband is doing the same thing to you. He wants you to think that you take sole responsibility for his actions.

 

Your husband should not be carrying around a gun right now. That IS scary. If you think he is serious about committing suicide, then perhaps you should REALLY consider removing the guns from the house when he's not home, calling 911, and talking to his supervisor at work. I know this sounds extreme, but he REALLY shouldn't be carrying around a gun. Either he will get the help he needs or he will be so terribly embarrassed by the situation that he'll never threaten suicide again.

 

Don't fall into his trap. He got what he wanted - your attention, your conversation, and the hope to see you during the weekend.

[redfathom]

This is totally twisted. I hope you know that. Your husband is either 1) trying to control you by threatening suicide or 2) He needs serious help because he's depressed. Maybe a bit of both.

 

I think it is both, when he was younger he ran away from home and had to sign a letter that he would not kill himself. I just typed up a letter myself and I want him to sign it and keep it with him. It says that he promises not to hurt himself and to get help and that he understands that people love and care for him and that he will seek there help and the help of aprofessional when he has these thought.

 

I am very worried about him. I know I will be safe because his brother will be home tonight also. I do think about calling his supervisor but I do not want to make things worse for him by causing problems with his work. I am recommending that he look into being put on meds and that he focus his time and energy not on wanting to hurt himself but on reading and going to counseling and find out what he can do to help himself and our marriage.

[Gunny376]

If a person is truly suicidal then he's also homoscidal as well. Ask any Dr. nurse, EMT, fireman, police officer.

[redfathom]

When we talked about how we had hurt each other verbally (not name calling, we have never done that) but just by blaming mostly, he said he is very sorry and never wanted to hurt me. I believe that! He has never laid a hand on me or made me feel scared for my life. I think he is just lost and needs someone to help him find his way, while I might not be able to do that 100% I want to put him in contact with someone who will. Do you think it is best that we meet somewhere public?