H and I discussed seperation, agian!

[redfathom]

Long, sorry!

 

Hi all, I am 24 my H is 30, we have been married for almost seven years and together almost 10. Since the begining of our relationship Porn has been an issue. When we talked about it my H said, I have always done and it is not going to change, you better learn to accept it. So for about four years I have been doing just that. Here is the thing though, now I don't trust him.

 

So this will be the 3rd time we have discussed divorce in about four months. The frist was when he could not get an erection with me but was looking at porn about 3-4 times a week (and also has a masterbation toy) this kind of started the most recent mess. During this discussion he told me I would never find anyone better then him and that 75% of the failure of this relationship was my fault due to my low self esteem. I told him my low self esteem was due to his addiction to porn and telling me he would not work on it to just accept it, which he repeated to me again, saying if I accepted it we would not be having this conversation.

 

Well, his thing is that I need to trust him and everything will be okay. My thing is how can I trust him. He says their is no way of knowing when he does look at it or not, but I told him, I broke and looked at the history only to find he still looks at it about 3-4 times a week. So he said then when I broke I did not trust him and I said he was right and that just further made me realize that I can't trust him...I know, nothing good came from snooping.

 

Well, about three weeks ago I decided that I was going to leave (I started seeing a therapist to help me put this in perspective about two months ago). My H told me how much he loves and me wants to be with me and asked what he could do, so I asked him to go to counseling with me (again) I was not going to but he said I was throwing the relationship away so I thought one more chance (mind you I have been trying to deal with this issue for about four years). He has no controll over it.

 

So, on Thursday we were out to dinner and I was talking about work and he was not intersted even interuppted my story to tell me he needed to think of the name of a song. When we got home, I asked him why he did that, he said sometimes what I am talking about he is not intersted in. So of course I was a little hurt, I explained that I was vulnerable and trying to be open after our talk about me leaving and was excited about couseling so I tend to talk a lot when I am excited. he said he want so know how I am doing just not a play by play of my day.

 

So I started to think (I was already to leave him) if I stay what will the next 50 years of my life be like.

 

So we have an agrument last night and were talking tonight and again, divorce was brought up...he said that I have been the unhappiest I have been in the last 6.5 years of marriage and that if i am so unhappy we should sell the house and divorce. I asked if this decision was soley mine and what he wanted. He said he wanted to work on it but he did not know how. I too am lost at what we can do. So we talked about the trust issue and again and at how he thinks I am a slob and naggs me (mind you, I would say that I do 60% of the house work and his brother that loves with us agrees). Basically my husband said YOU do not have to decide now, I have to get ready for work but you can call me anytime you need to. And that was that!

 

Oh, I did try to console him and he said, don't feel sorry for me and shrugged me off.

 

So I am not sure what to do from this point. I love him very much but I also see a future filled with the same unhappiness on both sides and I don't want that.

 

Any advice?

[Ms.Smith]

Hi Red. That's one tough situation.

A lot of people believe that divorce is unjustified, except in situations of physical abuse. I'm not sure if I agree or not.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I won't make a decision until after I get counseling, though. What's worse to live with? The situation you're in, or the situation you'd be going to?

Another good piece of advice you'll get a lot here is marriage counseling, but that can only help if you both really want to stay together and are dedicated to each other. If one of you is unwilling to make any compromises, even to save the marriage, then you may never be able to make it work.

Either way, I hope you find a way to be happy. I'll be trying, too.

[Gunny376]

Yea, first of all your married to an idiot!

 

With that said and done, if you dump the guy ~ your just as likely to end up with the another one.

 

Porn is for guys that's between the ages of 12 and 38, pass that age, if you're still into porn, you've got stunted growth.

 

You're not wrong about the porn affecting your sex life ~ it is! And, there's no freaking way that you can measure up with what is being protrayed. First off these are so called professionals. Most women can't get pass the "gag-reflex" to do what some of those women do. Most women aren't into anal sex. For everyone that is, there's at least one that isn't, (News flash ~ I'm not into it either!). Truth be told most women aren't into oral sex ( Ref: "What Women Want)

 

I don't know that I would throw the towel in on the guy, but he's needs to get a clue and go back to school. He needs to read some books, go to MC, and IC, and find out what the real world is about.

 

What you're looking for in posting here, (I've read your other posts) is validation as to wheather your in the wrong? No your not! Your a typical woman. Women typically use 4000 to 6000 words per day ~ men use 2000 to 3000, (Ref: The book ~ "Genderspeak") So, your not weird, crazy, nor abnormal.

 

In answer to your question about bailing? You dump this guy, you're just going to go through the same thing with the next guy and the next. Rare is the individual man that's like ilmw, CC, Perry, and I that's going to go to the book store and read up on this sort of thing.

 

I think its only about 1% of the guys that go through this that are motivated enough to actually say "Forget this hurt, heartache, and pain! I need to go back to school and quit being a fool!"

 

What you need to do is "educate" this guy into understanding women, romance, seduction, "gender-speak" and that you're not a guy ~ but a woman!

 

Rossaine Barr had a great quote about turning a man into a good husband. I don't have it handy ~ but it basically involves a metaphor about men being a Phillisbury Doug Boy ~ in that they have to be folded and molded.

 

The mistake most women make is they put their "men" through the grinder "molding an folding" them to be the perfect husband for some other gal!

 

All my XW did in divorcing me was to turn me into a great catch for the next gal.

[dropdeadlegs]

I haven't had to deal with the porn issue in my relationships, but the archives are full of information. I have only been privy to these boards for 4 months, but porn usage is a constant topic. There are current threads.

 

Maybe you can find some answers as to his feelings there.

 

I don't like that you can't talk about "whatever" and it's okay for him to just not be interested and change the subject. I hear a lot of work talk that I don't even understand, but I at least show interest and support.

[redfathom]

Gunny I agree that I MAY end up in a similar situation, there are so many other stories like mine there must be lots of men who value porn the way my H does. I am not throwing in the towel just yet, but between my husband and myself we can’t seem to find a solution to the problem. The problem with the porn is that he is curious about having a homosexual relationship. He said he used to be embarrassed by the fact that he was interested in men but that now society is more open to it he is at peace with it. He said he would never cheat on me that he loves me and I believe him. My concern is for how long and I told him this and he said again that he loves me and those are just curiosities that if he was single he would act on but being in a relationship with me he would never act on them. So, can he get help yes, will it solve this problem, no, that is just who he is and I have been trying to accept that for years because I love him. I also don’t want to hold him back from being who he is. I know that sounds weird! I have asked him many times if he wanted to be with a man and not me and he has said no. How do you started a family with that in the back of your mind but how do you let go of someone you love.

[mary1974]

Read my other post, I really feel for you. I too have tolerated crap with porn throughout our whole life together, from peeping on my best friend changing in our bathroom (we were just kids then, 17 but still a couple), to porn magazines, to literally spying from our window on a lady across the street who liked to undress with no curtains everyday. You name it I've put up with it when it comes to this stuff, I even had two threesomes with him years ago because he wanted to and I thought it might be fun, this stuff didn't bother me so bad when we were younger cause he was good to me, we had a great sex life, I felt content, he was always home, so I could tolerate it, Now that my trust has been broke though with him forming a close relationship with a girl, I can't tolerate the porn anymore, his favorites on our computer were packed with it, download upon download from limewire of it, I even snuck into his email a few months ago and found where he posted a profile on a sex search type site where he stated he was "looking for a lover" "just someone to have discreet fun again and again", when I confronted him he said he had nothing to hide that he just wanted to search to see if he recognized anyone on the site and the only way on was to create a profile so he made something up (only he used his accurate email, location etc not false). He said that if he was hiding something he wouldn't have had the info sent to his email account of which I know the password to, he turned it around on me like I was crazy. So our sex life is non existant, he says he has ceased looking at porn since it bothers me and I don't know if he masturbates but we never do it and if we do he just wants me to bend over so he can go from behind with no form of intimacy between us. I HATE it!! The love between us has suffered immensely. I also have heard that the problems in the relationship our mostly my fault due to insecurity and stuff like that, I too have been told to "shut up" about my feelings already and that if I just do things the way he likes them then he'll be good to me and all will be fine. I don't know................