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Ladies: Dating men who have had 'FWB'


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Old 24th May 2013, 3:27 PM   #1
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Ladies: Dating men who have had 'FWB'

So, I'm starting this thread not sure what I want from posters. I suppose, much like the people who knowingly or unknowingly enter into FWB situations.

My problem is this... If a guy tells me he had a FWB, my first thought is... "Hmm. How am I going to know he's not trying to make ME one?"

Why do I ask? Because I don't really believe most people enter into them knowingly. A lot of them kind of slide into that when one person or the other decides the person they are having rather 'oopsie' sex with isn't so-called 'relationship material' or their feelings fade for whatever reason and they don't have the backbone to end the situation.

... and then things carry on until one of them finds someone else. Of course, it usually the person keeping their default FWB in the dark hoping to monkey branch without having to spend any *gasp* time alone or sex-free.

I'm also asking because I just dumped a guy who I learned had a FWB for THREE YEARS, after which he had another relationship for two years with someone he claimed to love. Yes, this is the term he called her. I asked him about it, why he was with someone he didn't love for so long. He didn't have a good answer. Of course, *I* am different (rolleyes). Haven't we heard all this before??

I just couldn't trust him after that, no matter what he did. I figured if he could do that to her, he could do that to me. I can only imagine what he might have said to keep her around. I'm not sure if she knows he considered her a FWB... and not a GF.

He is the first person I've ever dated for any period of time who admitted to having a FWB.

If I have a question, it is more to the ladies. Could you love or trust someone knowing he had used someone just for sex? And did so for an extended period?

In the future, I will probably just tell a guy our values aren't compatible if he admits to that... rather than try to work through it. We had a lot of things in common otherwise, though, so it is a shame.

Thoughts??
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Old 24th May 2013, 3:30 PM   #2
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From a male perspective:

I honestly wouldn't have much interest in a woman who admitted to having a non-emotional sexual relationship with someone. It'd be a big turnoff.
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Old 24th May 2013, 3:33 PM   #3
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I like your posts, but I think you are being a bit too tough here, imho. It is very difficult to go sex free for years while looking for a special match (which is difficult and time consuming to find), especially for men, and as long as both parties know what it is, for me it would be ok for a guy to have had a FWB. Again, as long as he wasn't lying to her.
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Old 24th May 2013, 3:41 PM   #4
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Tricolors, thank you for your response. I feel the same way.
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Old 24th May 2013, 3:49 PM   #5
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You made a lot of good points about FWBs. I've had FWBs...it was mutual tho.

That past would have absolutely no impact on a current relationship though. I think I make it pretty clear what my intentions are. It's just important to be clear on intentions.

If you're not sure, don't sleep with the person until you are. I understand if you choose not to date someone who's had a FWB. I'm just making a case that those of us who've had FWB aren't all cheaters and/or only looking for that...it's just what happened in the past.

Nevertheless, your values are your values and I can respect that.
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Old 24th May 2013, 3:51 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BluEyeL View Post
I like your posts, but I think you are being a bit too tough here, imho. It is very difficult to go sex free for years while looking for a special match (which is difficult and time consuming to find), especially for men, and as long as both parties know what it is, for me it would be ok for a guy to have had a FWB. Again, as long as he wasn't lying to her.
I'm not sure the woman knows that is the case. Do you know any woman who would agree to that for three years? I don't.

My observation is that the guy rather tacitly strings her along... either from his own confusion or just complacency... maybe she is doing the same. I kind of doubt it though.

I never had a chance to ask him if there were any overlap between his so-called FWB and the woman he claimed to love after that. I'm getting the sense there was.

What I'm trying to avoid is being the one who is filling a man's sexual needs and some of his relationship needs while he properly romances his so-called dream woman. That, I won't do. Not knowingly, at least. And certainly not with someone who has already demonstrated a history of that.
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Old 24th May 2013, 3:58 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by RedRobin View Post
I'm not sure the woman knows that is the case. Do you know any woman who would agree to that for three years? I don't.

My observation is that the guy rather tacitly strings her along... either from his own confusion or just complacency... maybe she is doing the same. I kind of doubt it though.

I never had a chance to ask him if there were any overlap between his so-called FWB and the woman he claimed to love after that. I'm getting the sense there was.

What I'm trying to avoid is being the one who is filling a man's sexual needs and some of his relationship needs while he properly romances his so-called dream woman. That, I won't do. Not knowingly, at least. And certainly not with someone who has already demonstrated a history of that.
If the woman knows makes all the difference in this issue. If she knew, it would be ok with me. If he was lying, 100% I'd dump him. But how can you know the truth, that's the problem.... Because if he was a guy who had no problem lying, he won't tell the truth anyway.

I think there are women who would accept a FWB situation. Could be women, who, like some men, have their own reasons not to get into a steady relationship that involves intertwining their life with a significant other's life, but would like to have someone attend THEIR sexual needs until they are ready for something else. This would eliminate the need for a woman to go through multiple partners to meet sexual needs, and perhaps it could be convenient for other reasons. I don't know many single women, but I really don't think that all women in the world are the same, so I'm sure there HAVE to be some who would be OK with that arrangement.

In general, I'd not ask too many questions about the past. I'll observe his current behavior towards me and towards others and gauge his character based on that.

I don't mean to say that you made a mistake, if you really were into the guy and felt the compatibility to be very high, you would have forgiven his past, but probably you weren't too gaga about him. I'm sure that when I'm crazy about someone, I would totally overlook the FWB thing. But that's me, and maybe this "forgiving" attitude will get me in trouble.
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Old 24th May 2013, 4:02 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by AsonUnique View Post
You made a lot of good points about FWBs. I've had FWBs...it was mutual tho.

That past would have absolutely no impact on a current relationship though. I think I make it pretty clear what my intentions are. It's just important to be clear on intentions.

If you're not sure, don't sleep with the person until you are. I understand if you choose not to date someone who's had a FWB. I'm just making a case that those of us who've had FWB aren't all cheaters and/or only looking for that...it's just what happened in the past.

Nevertheless, your values are your values and I can respect that.
I do a pretty thorough job screening men I decide to date, and will only become intimate once I know we are in a relationship... that they aren't seeing anyone else and just want to see me.

So, I've never had to worry about intentions going in.

It is more like I'm looking forward wondering if a person who has had a FWB for that long has the courage to end things if he feels things aren't progressing, or tries to work on issues that come up... or if he just keeps things going with the bare minimum until something better comes along.

I feel the latter is the case... So, I ended it.

I'm guessing this is no different than finding out that someone had addiction issues or had some other behavior you didn't approve of after you started dating... and then had to break things off.
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Old 24th May 2013, 4:05 PM   #9
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I think relationship like behavior is different than FWB behavior though. FWB mostly meet for sex and are not progressing towards integrating their life together. I don't know, I'm thinking that I'd not ask about the past, but observe his behavior in the current relationship and whether or not he is progressing it (i.e. if he asks for exclusivity then it is not an FWB etc.).
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Old 24th May 2013, 4:13 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BluEyeL View Post
I think there are women who would accept a FWB situation. Could be women, who,
like some men, have their own reasons not to get into a steady relationship that
involves intertwining their life with a significant other's life, but would like
to have someone attend THEIR sexual needs until they are ready for something
else. This would eliminate the need for a woman to go through multiple partners
to meet sexual needs, and perhaps it could be convenient for other reasons. I
don't know many single women, but I really don't think that all women in the
world are the same, so I'm sure there HAVE to be some who would be OK with that
arrangement.
Yes, I suppose there might be... even if I've never personally met one.

Quote:
In general, I'd not ask too many questions about the past. I'll observe his
current behavior towards me and towards others and gauge his character based on
that.
I didn't ask. He volunteered.

Quote:
I don't mean to say that you made a mistake, if you really were into the guy and
felt the compatibility to be very high, you would have forgiven his past, but
probably you weren't too gaga about him. I'm sure that when I'm crazy about
someone, I would totally overlook the FWB thing. But that's me, and maybe this
"forgiving" attitude will get me in trouble.
My feelings about someone would not make me forgive their past. Knowledge of their past, once divulged, is simply information that I can process one way or the other.

I suppose it also depends on their attitude about it. He didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with it, and maybe that was the disconnect.

If he said... "I had a FWB for three years and I would never do that again." Then give me some convincing reasons why he ended up in that situation and why it carried on so long, MAYBE, I'd think about it. Even then I'd be wary.
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Old 24th May 2013, 4:14 PM   #11
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As a man, I can tell you that girls you will not have any chance of screening men who had FWB, because part of the skill of being good in doing FWB is to become like a Ninja. Go in undetected and come out undetected. Otherwise, you wouldn't succeed doing FWB as we know so many techniques based on isolating you from others to lock you in.

My advise is simple. If you are attracting FWB men, it means parts of you has this wanting the same as he does. Character insecurity is in part a large influence in these men. Most of these men have issues with parents; one of them probably the mother has neglected him and not provided him with the motherly love he so desired and caused insecurities to develop with women. Without this love, he will always look for it from you and from any girls. Like an addict for drugs, he will use any technique he knows how to sell himself to you.

What they need is real professional help to heal him from the dependence of this drugged state. Very few men seek treatment, and hence your only best defense is your offense. Work to heal yourself and become more self-confident, more secure and remove all emotional blockage in your heart. Then, you won't attract these men as you will only attract confident and loving men. No need to screen them.

Best..
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Old 24th May 2013, 4:18 PM   #12
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I had a mutually agreed upon FWB for about a year. We both were dating others and seeking a relationship, but enjoyed each other in the bedroom. Sometimes we watched a movie together first, but yeah... neither of us liked to sleep alone.

Eventually, we both ended up with people in committed relationships and cut the shenanigans. His girlfriend knew about me and the relationship we had. Made it awkward and uncomfortable for her.

No way in hell would I tell anybody I dated about it. My recent ex didn't even know.

Quite honestly though, I wouldn't do it again. It worked for that time in my life, but I learned a lot about myself since then as well.
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Old 24th May 2013, 4:22 PM   #13
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From my perspective, I wouldn't have a problem dating a girl who had an FWB - partly because I ended up having one myself . That was mostly because it was my first sexual partner and I tried to treat it more like a relationship in some ways. I learned it wasn't for me.

Regarding men and FWBs - I don't think that men really think too hard about what it would mean for their future relationship prospects so they may be oblivious to why this would be a trust issue for you. If you want to be with a man who fully values your preferred progression of intimacy then you should stick to your guns IMO.
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Old 24th May 2013, 4:24 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by DarkSideofTheMoon View Post
(Male Input) I do agree with your thoughts about how friends with benefits kind of just spiral into that kind of situation. I rarely hear of two people entering into some mutual contract orally (no pun intended) to become FWB's.

With that being said. I think you have to look at the time frame which it occurred. Some people have the opinion that a persons sexual past is just that, and it doesn't matter what they did prior to meeting you. I have my own opinions but I won't derail the topic.

If a FWB's occurred years ago ? Would you be so stringent on your standards. I think it shows a lot for this mans character that he was honest about it. You seem very intuitive. If you like him, or have an interest in him but the only issue is the FWB, either get rid of him or take things super slowly. Of course I think that most people are not honest and you find out later then sooner.

I also want to say that people do change. Who I was in college and what I wanted in college is NOT what I want years later. Just put that in perspective. Good luck.
Thank you for your response. Yes, I agree that people DO change... and that sometimes experience is the best teacher.

I had a pretty heartless ONS long before I met the man I would later marry. Me being the heartless one. Of course, at the time, I just assumed all guys were just happy getting sex and it never occurred to me that a guy could be hurt in that situation. I was wrong... and boy, did my friends let me have it!! That never happened again... It informed my behavior going forward. Still does. I've also had many, many years to demonstrate that is not my style.

About the man in question... this was fairly recent. Within the past 5 years, and without remorse or re-evaluation on his part.

I dunno. I just had this feeling he was trying to slide me into that kind of arrangement... despite what he was telling me at the time. Just a feeling I had based on what he told me about his so-called FWB (who I had more in common with), and the woman he claimed to love after that (who I have less in common with)... and the fact that his words and actions didn't line up in some other ways.

Hmm... just one of those things I guess... My gut was just saying I couldn't trust him.
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Old 24th May 2013, 4:30 PM   #15
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Hmm... just one of those things I guess... My gut was just saying I couldn't trust him.
I think this is what it is, not just that one single piece of information.
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