why do taken men look at porn??

[Guest]

Most aren't defending porn so much as defending a right to get themselves off if they so choose. Permission to bust a nut, maam?

 

 

 

Actually, it doesn't have anything to do with you. I know that most women think that it does...but it doesn't. Now, when several men tell you this, and also explain that occasional masturbation is in no way some "red flag" as to their feelings for their SOs, or their level of happiness in the relationship...and you choose to ignore all of that... what more can anyone do?

 

 

First of all: *most* women on this thread do NOT have a problem with their man masterbating. They have a problem with him using porn. Big f'ing difference. I expect and encourage my man to masterbate, I do the same. But he doesn't disrespect my feelings on porn, and for that I am thankful.

 

Second of all: the "it has nothing to do with you argument" is a load of bull****. If I enter into a relationship with someone, and when it becomes serious discuss my expectations and boundaries within the relationship and they agree with them - then if they were to go back on that it does have to do with me and our relationship (disrespect of my feelings and boundaries, betrayal of my trust since we had an agreement, etc ... not in the "im not good enough" way, but it still has to with me.)

 

You can argue until you're blue in the face. Yes, men do have a right to look at porn. They have a right to sleep with other people too (and yes, women have these rights as well.) However, either partner has every right to be pissed off and/or leave a relationship should their boundaries get crossed. Some people (swingers) are ok with their partners sleeping with others, some arent. Some people are ok with strip clubs, some arent. Some are ok with porn, some aren't. The point is, people need to communicate and agree on boundaries, and then stick to them. End of story.

[HUMMINGBIRDLOVE]

I agree I think it is a lame excuse 'I NEED TO LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN ME CAVEMAN " it is like a person getting cought for shoplifting and saying I needed to have it well like everything else it is a urge or a want and people need to learn to get a grip .point blank yea you can get horny or masterbate and whatever is in your mind go for it but when u need to look at others to get the extra stimulation u need dont be in a relationship where u have someone just don't make sense just my opinion

[Hummingbird343]

Most aren't defending porn so much as defending a right to get themselves off if they so choose. Permission to bust a nut, maam?

 

 

 

Actually, it doesn't have anything to do with you. I know that most women think that it does...but it doesn't. Now, when several men tell you this, and also explain that occasional masturbation is in no way some "red flag" as to their feelings for their SOs, or their level of happiness in the relationship...and you choose to ignore all of that... what more can anyone do?

 

 

 

Alright. That is what fantasy means for you. Why are you presuming that it means the same thing for other people? Personally, I don't see fantasy that way at all. For me, fantasy is just a way for my imagination to explore things. Sometimes some rather weird things. It doesn't mean I want to trade up.

 

If you only fantasize when you're unhappy with your current situation, that's fine. But it's wrong to judge other people and put accusations upon them, based solely on what something typically means in your life.

 

 

 

Again you're taking your perceptions of what fantasizing implies, and placing them onto someone else. For god's sake, you're calling your man selfish because of what something means in your head. Has he ever said that you're not enough for him and that you should just accept that? If he has, say so, and I'll stand corrected.

 

But otherwise, you're just jumping to a wild conclusion because you feel hurt. That's pretty illogical. I mean, damn, you're basically insulting yourself and then acting like he did it.

 

 

Okay, I think I completely and fully agree with this guy. I am a girl and I watch porn and masturbate. And so does my boyfriend! We have never actually watched porn but we've swapped sites and talked about it before. I understand that girls that don't watch porn might be offended but GM has it right, it really is NO REFLECTION ON YOU!!!! It has NOTHING to do with you at ALL!!!! I love my boyfriend with all of my heart and soul and I watch porn and masturbate to it!!! And he does too!!

 

Neither of us would EVER cheat on each other, and frankly, knowing what each of us like in porn has brought us closer, I feel like I know him better and he knows me better. Makes me feel like our relationship is more open and the communication is great.

 

Even though I understand where you girls are coming from, I really don't agree with you. So your boyfriend/spouse watches porn, does he still like being with you physically? If the answer is YES then there is no problem.

 

Why don't you girls lose the insecurities, the jealousy and the hypocrisies and just accept it.

 

You masturbate, right? And when you masturbate you fantasize right? Well, do you fantasize about him ALWAYS?! Do you have wet dreams about him and ONLY him. Have you EVER had a dream or a fantasy that wasn't about him? Well, I'm sure that's a yes, and if it is, did that make you feel like you were going to go and actually do those things with that person? No. Most likely no anyway, it's human nature to masturbate, and porn is like a fantasy to men, only they don't have to close their eyes to imagine it, it's right in front of them.

 

Not to mention, most men watch guy/girl porn, not just look at photos of girls or watch movies of just girls. And if they're watching guy/girl porn it has nothing to do with him OR you. It just turns him on. It's not like he's imagining himself doing her, he's just getting off to her because she's hot and is getting off to the guy doing her or what not.

 

You're insecure, I get that, but why are you? You could be the ugliest girl in the world and if you're guy is watching porn why does that matter to you?! If he didn't think you were attractive, why would he be with you?! If he didn't want to be with you, why would he be? AND if he wanted the porn star girl, then why doesn't he dump you and get one?!

 

BECAUSE HE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU. PORN JUST TURNS HIM ON. BUT SO DO YOU!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT AND GET OVER YOUR JEALOUSY AND INSECURITIES.

[Grinning Maniac]

First of all: *most* women on this thread do NOT have a problem with their man masterbating. They have a problem with him using porn. Big f'ing difference. I expect and encourage my man to masterbate, I do the same. But he doesn't disrespect my feelings on porn, and for that I am thankful.

 

Point blank yea you can get horny or masterbate and whatever is in your mind go for it but when u need to look at others to get the extra stimulation u need dont be in a relationship where u have someone just don't make sense just my opinion

 

Alrighty. Fair enough. But let me ask you one question, ladies. How do you know what your man is thinking about when he masturbates to the things "inside his mind"? If you could see in there, what you would find in those dark recesses might disturb you more than airbrushed porn broads ever would. What if, in lack of a set "visual itinerary" of wank material, his mind drifted to, say, the hot secretary at work? Your sister? Your best friend?

 

Let me tell you something. My fantasies can sometimes be horribly twisted. I'm not even going to go there with you. It's a rainbow of perversion. I imagine most men have a variety of things they've thought about, but like me, they aren't gonna go there.

 

Skimming the surface of those depths, for example... past sexual experiences. If you want a specific example, there is the ex who was my "first". I've fleetingly wanked to the memories of those dorm room shaggings from time to time. Does this mean that I have some hidden longing to have her back? Hell no. We were not compatible and I'm extremely happy that we're no longer a couple. But as far as the lizard part of my brain is concered, it's a memory of banging, and times were good. After I bust a nut, she and/or anything else I've been wanking to, fade from my mind like a nightmare before the breaking day. THE END. The woman I love, is still such, with no equivocations.

 

So tell me... what is it that really scares you? Is wanking to the memory of some long-distant sex session with someone you used to know, more acceptable than looking at someone who for all intents and purposes, does not exist?

 

Furthermore, in regards to porn in video form, I'm usually not even looking at the particular person so much as what they're doing. The person is mere window dressing to the act. As others have said, watching others have sex can be hot. Why do you think they put sex scenes in movies?

 

This is why most men do not take you seriously. What you claim to be "ok" with, can be far worse than what we habitually do. You're essentially saying "I have no problem with there being a T-Rex standing in my front yard, but I'll be damned if I will allow an iguana in my living room!!!"

 

"Imagination porn" is only "ok", because when it comes to imagination, you can delude yourselves into believing that we think about... [whatever you're comfortable with]. You'll never have any evidence to the contrary, and unless you specifically ask, and we feel that you are really confident of our love for you...we sure as hell aren't going to tell you. However, with porn, there are definite traces. So I don't think it's the content or action of our wankage that bothers you. It's the proof that gets you paranoid. The evidence. ("OMG HE LOOKED AT A REDHEAD! I BETTER DYE MY HAIR! I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" = 100% rubbish) But the bottom line is that you're taking it wrong anyway. We still love you, ladies. So just stop worrying about it, and trust what we're saying a little more.

 

Fights and insecurity about something we know isn't an issue...that's just not sexy. It doesn't endear us to you any more. If you want to go messing up your relationships over imaginary problems, that's cool. More humor for the folks in non-psychotic relationships.

[Rhyla]

Alrighty. Fair enough. But let me ask you one question, ladies. How do you know what your man is thinking about when he masturbates to the things "inside his mind"? If you could see in there, what you would find in those dark recesses might disturb you more than airbrushed porn broads ever would. What if, in lack of a set "visual itinerary" of wank material, his mind drifted to, say, the hot secretary at work? Your sister? Your best friend?

 

I'm not the thought police. Thoughts wander, and pop into our heads whether we like it or not. Believe me, I've had thoughts of things I'd never want to do. It's at least partially out of our control (I do believe once it's there you can choose to continue with that thought or think of something else.)

 

My bf's thoughts are his own, and I won't ask, because I don't want to know. And I'm sure he wouldn't want to know some of mine either. However, seeking out porn, going to strip clubs - the are intentional behaviors and they cross my limits within a relationship. One should not seek out other parties (in any form - physical, webcam, phone, picture, movie) for their sexual gratification whilst in a relationship imo.

 

And besides, his mind would still wander to those thoughts regardless of if he was looking at porn. Don't try and fool me into thinking porn someone saves us from these things

Skimming the surface of those depths, for example... past sexual experiences. If you want a specific example, there is the ex who was my "first". I've fleetingly wanked to the memories of those dorm room shaggings from time to time. Does this mean that I have some hidden longing to have her back? Hell no. We were not compatible and I'm extremely happy that we're no longer a couple. But as far as the lizard part of my brain is concered, it's a memory of banging, and times were good. After I bust a nut, she and/or anything else I've been wanking to, fade from my mind like a nightmare before the breaking day. THE END. The woman I love, is still such, with no equivocations.

So as long as the man I love is still the man I love I can justify any behavior Can I masterbate to webcams of strangers? of people I know? Can I get a lap dance at sokme club? Or maybe just pay for a strip show from some random hunky stranger in the bathroom of some club or bar? Can I sleep with a male prostitute? How about getting a good "sensual" nude massage from my hot male friend? I mean, as long as it's meaningless and I still love my guy and still want to be with him it's ok is what you're saying? Just because *you* feel a behavior does not cross a line, does not mean that all couples will agree with you. It's not your choice to set up other couples boundaries. It has to be something both partners agree on and are comfortable with - or else you see problems like the millions of porn threads on this board.

So tell me... what is it that really scares you? Is wanking to the memory of some long-distant sex session with someone you used to know, more acceptable than looking at someone who for all intents and purposes, does not exist?

They do exist. They are real people. They are not objects. It is the behavior (not the thought) that bothers me. Whether he's looking at pictures of someone he knows, or doesn't know makes no difference. Same with if he were to go **** someone he knows or doesn't know - it makes no difference. It is the behavior I feel is wrong within my relationship. Like I told him with strip clubs - it's the behavior, the setting doesn't excuse that. If I were to bring some random stranger that I'd never meet or see again into my home, and have him dance around and take his clothes off (absolutely no touching, not even a lap dance) and pay him for it, would it be ok? No. the behavior is the problem, the setting is only used as an excuse to justify it. You may not understand that - I'm thankful my man did and now we share an understanding.

Furthermore, in regards to porn in video form, I'm usually not even looking at the particular person so much as what they're doing. The person is mere window dressing to the act. As others have said, watching others have sex can be hot. Why do you think they put sex scenes in movies?

So you'd still enjoy it if it was a zit faced, overweight slob (the girl, not the guy - I know a lot of guys in porn are extremely "unattractive" compared to their femal counterparts.) I highly doubt it. The act may be part of it, but the women matter too. This is a lame justification, because it is only partially true, and I think most women know that.

This is why most men do not take you seriously. What you claim to be "ok" with, can be far worse than what we habitually do. You're essentially saying "I have no problem with there being a T-Rex standing in my front yard, but I'll be damned if I will allow an iguana in my living room!!!"

Sexual fantasies can be deviant and down right nasty. Don't think you guys are the only ones. It's when it crosses from "fantasy" to behavior that I have a problem. Thoughts are relatively automatic, behavior is perfectly within our control. I've discussed my personal boundaries enough in other parts of this thread.

"Imagination porn" is only "ok", because when it comes to imagination, you can delude yourselves into believing that we think about... [whatever you're comfortable with]. You'll never have any evidence to the contrary, and unless you specifically ask, and we feel that you are really confident of our love for you...we sure as hell aren't going to tell you. However, with porn, there are definite traces. So I don't think it's the content or action of our wankage that bothers you. It's the proof that gets you paranoid. The evidence. ("OMG HE LOOKED AT A REDHEAD! I BETTER DYE MY HAIR! I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" = 100% rubbish) But the bottom line is that you're taking it wrong anyway. We still love you, ladies. So just stop worrying about it, and trust what we're saying a little more.

For some it may be insecurity, but you can't use that as a blanket excuse. Some have religious objections, some (like me) have moral objections (to how the porn industry is run, how *many* porn girls are treated, to the objectification of women, etc etc.), some (also like me) it simply crosses a boundary, and some certainly are insecure.

 

Fights and insecurity about something we know isn't an issue...that's just not sexy. It doesn't endear us to you any more. If you want to go messing up your relationships over imaginary problems, that's cool. More humor for the folks in non-psychotic relationships.

 

OK, so say hypothetically I think that paying male prostitutes for sex (and taking all procautionary measures including STD tests afterwards because i know condoms arent 100%) means "nothing" and is not an issue, should I be able to do it? Should I call my partner insecure if he has a problem with this - because after all, I still love him and it's just for sexual release when I want a good meaningless f*** where I don't have to care about his pleasure.

 

Porn is not an imaginary problem for me. I am certainly not insecure. I have a) moral objections to it. and b) it is a behavior that crosses a boundary in my relationship. My bf can wank to whatever thoughts pop into his mind, but if he chooses to seek out porn, then he is disrespecting my feelings and our relationship. I made my POV clear to him, he agreed, and would be just as upset if I were to do the same.

[Guest]

]

If you lust after another you are cheating in your heart and in your mind.So mentally no one is faithful.

 

The reason is because of the way we are today.Men and women can control there urges.Many people have done it.The im a man excuse is rubbish!

 

Read this book from the every man series.Its called winning the war on sexual temptation one victory at a time.It is a bit to do with god but there are quite a few good points in the book!

 

I believe men only say deal with it is because they cant control there urges.Therefore these men are weak!Oh and men dont come bk with all this rubbish because if your not weak prove it!

[Starman]

I'm not the thought police. ..........

 

I seriously beg to differ. Your post mentions that your concern is when your bf's behavior seeks out another woman in the form of a strip club, porn, video, picture, etc. But you say that what's in his imagination is ok, is that a correct statement?

 

So when you two watch the movie The Breakup with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston and 3 days later your bf pictures Ms. Aniston's sexy bare ass in his mind and wanks off to that what do you do then? It's in his head, using his imagination so I assume that's ok, but if he is watching the movie at the same time then that becomes a vile "behavior"? His "behavior" popped that imagery into his head for wanking off too, so based on your definition that his "behavior" is the problem then you ARE in fact the thought police.

 

Do you honestly think that it only takes porn or strip club dancers to turn a guy on for him to use his imagination for wanking? You women are in for a rude awakening I'm afraid. Do you plan to hide every other woman on the planet from your man so he won't use his imagination for wanking later? What about all the women in his life before he met you...the hot teacher he fantasied about, the cute girl in Jr. High he wishes he could have hooked up with, the first girl he was with and replays that part of his history over in his head again and again. What about the girl he got freaky with in the laundrymat in college? Oh the horror!!!!

 

Grinning Maniac has nailed this issue dead on.

 

IMHO this boils down to nothing more then insecurities, lack of trust and control issues, plain and simple. You women want to think that your man will never look at, imagine, or fantasize about another woman for the rest of his life. Well good luck, cause that man has yet to walk to earth and will not in your lifetime. And despite all your whining about it it has NOTHING to do with your man's love and devotion to you, that thought resides soley in your own head.

 

The happiest couples on earth are those that love each other and also recognize that such things as fantasies are a natural part of human sexuality. Have any of you women bothered to read a romance novel? What do you think that WHOLE industry is for but to provide fantasy for women? I don't hear any men whining about that. Why? Cause we all know that it is FANTASY, NOT REAL! So why feel threatened by make-believe?

 

This whole subject is so ridiculous it's laughable. If your man's behavior pissed you off so much then dump him and go look for a man who doesn't do those things. But be prepared to spend the rest of your life looking, cause you won't find him.

[Zonerzgurl]

Because men like looking at other women. And seeing them naked. And seeing them boink each other. And a midget.

 

There's really no mystical secret to it. It doesn't matter how hot you are. Guys (in general) like looking at other chicks and watching other people get it on.

 

I don't get why some women act as they have to be the sole source of visual stimulation for their man. It just isn't realistic.

 

This whole topic is why I found this site! My boyfriend of a year a half knew that I had some disturbing stuff happen to me as a kid and the thought of even having a relationship with someone who has anything to do with porn is my #1 turn-off! Well my boyfriend hid his porn addiction from me up until a few days ago when i found pictures on his phone. I walked out. In my eyes having to look at another women and having to think about any other woman then the one your with is just as bad as cheating. Any guy who wants to claim that its ok is no better then a cheater.

[Rhyla]

Grinning Maniac has nailed this issue dead on.

 

IMHO this boils down to nothing more then insecurities, lack of trust and control issues, plain and simple. You women want to think that your man will never look at, imagine, or fantasize about another woman for the rest of his life. Well good luck, cause that man has yet to walk to earth and will not in your lifetime. And despite all your whining about it it has NOTHING to do with your man's love and devotion to you, that thought resides soley in your own head.

 

The happiest couples on earth are those that love each other and also recognize that such things as fantasies are a natural part of human sexuality. Have any of you women bothered to read a romance novel? What do you think that WHOLE industry is for but to provide fantasy for women? I don't hear any men whining about that. Why? Cause we all know that it is FANTASY, NOT REAL! So why feel threatened by make-believe?

 

I do not feel threatened by it. You chose to leave out alot of my points in my post. How do you argue my moral stand against the objectification of women then? Stop selectively arguing against the points you feel you can, and ignoring the points where you have no argument (at least acknowledge that you dont)

 

And no, I haven't ever read a fantasy novel. Don't give me that "it's equal" bull****, no it's not. What would be equal for me, would be to make pornographic images and give them to other people. Because feeling sexy and desired gets me in the mood. Should I be able to do that, even if my partner has a problem with it?

 

If you go on the "it's fantasy, they're just pictures" logic - then yes I should. I disagree, I feel it would be very disrespectful of my partner, and my relationship with him to do that - and so I don't. Do I think about doing, sure - but I don't cross the line into carrying out the behavior.

[Rhyla]

This whole subject is so ridiculous it's laughable. If your man's behavior pissed you off so much then dump him and go look for a man who doesn't do those things. But be prepared to spend the rest of your life looking, cause you won't find him.

 

I never said my boyfriends behaviors pissed me off. If you read my post, he respects my stand on porn, and does not look at it. Does he fantasize about other women - most likely, yes. I don't bother to ask. Fantasy is fantasy. Porn is porn - and I have alot of problems with that indsutry. Use it as an aid to your fantasies if you wish - It has no place in our relationship.

[Rhyla]

I seriously beg to differ. Your post mentions that your concern is when your bf's behavior seeks out another woman in the form of a strip club, porn, video, picture, etc. But you say that what's in his imagination is ok, is that a correct statement?

 

So when you two watch the movie The Breakup with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston and 3 days later your bf pictures Ms. Aniston's sexy bare ass in his mind and wanks off to that what do you do then? It's in his head, using his imagination so I assume that's ok, but if he is watching the movie at the same time then that becomes a vile "behavior"? His "behavior" popped that imagery into his head for wanking off too, so based on your definition that his "behavior" is the problem then you ARE in fact the thought police.

 

Do you honestly think that it only takes porn or strip club dancers to turn a guy on for him to use his imagination for wanking? You women are in for a rude awakening I'm afraid. Do you plan to hide every other woman on the planet from your man so he won't use his imagination for wanking later? What about all the women in his life before he met you...the hot teacher he fantasied about, the cute girl in Jr. High he wishes he could have hooked up with, the first girl he was with and replays that part of his history over in his head again and again. What about the girl he got freaky with in the laundrymat in college? Oh the horror!!!!

 

 

Just so I don't ignore any of your points either...

 

It's not my problem if you can't distinguish between an automatic thought that pops into your head and intentionally trying to find some image/movie to fulfill such a purpose.

 

No, that would not be a "behavior" that would still be a thought. We watched the movie to watch the movie. If that image pops into his head, then it does. If he went out to rent the movie just so he could see her bare ass and spank to it, I would have a problem. Of if he saw it and consciously chose to go spank to it after the movie. But if a thought he can't control happens to enter his head while he's having his fun - that happens. It's unintentional, unavoidable (as automatic thoughts are - just so you dont go giving me anything about "what if he unintentional kissed/sletp with someone whatever), and that's fine.

[Krytellan]

What if, in lack of a set "visual itinerary" of wank material, his mind drifted to, say, the hot secretary at work? Your sister? Your best friend?

 

Let me tell you something. My fantasies can sometimes be horribly twisted. I'm not even going to go there with you. It's a rainbow of perversion. I imagine most men have a variety of things they've thought about, but like me, they aren't gonna go there.

 

Grinning, you're a poet... couldn't have said it better myself.

[Krytellan]

Looking at this last page of posts and how much concern women writing here have for what goes on in men's heads... I can only laugh and thank whoever is responsible that in 32 years I have been able to avoid relationships with women who feel this way. I'm glad I can laugh it off because if it was my girlfriend saying this stuff to me it would be very frustrating.

[rainfall]

You masturbate, right? And when you masturbate you fantasize right? Well, do you fantasize about him ALWAYS?! Do you have wet dreams about him and ONLY him. Have you EVER had a dream or a fantasy that wasn't about him? Well, I'm sure that's a yes, and if it is, did that make you feel like you were going to go and actually do those things with that person? No. Most likely no anyway, it's human nature to masturbate, and porn is like a fantasy to men, only they don't have to close their eyes to imagine it, it's right in front of them.

 

BECAUSE HE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU. PORN JUST TURNS HIM ON. BUT SO DO YOU!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT AND GET OVER YOUR JEALOUSY AND INSECURITIES.

 

I AM NOT INSECURE!!!!!! How many times do I have to repeat that before someone gets it. If I was insecure I would just accept that a man looks at porn because I would feel I could never find someone esle. I also do not ever fantasize about anyone besides my boyfriend. It just doesn't do anything for me to think about some random stranger. I am happy with my man and have no need for someone esle.

 

I have every right to feel that I am the only naked chick my boyfriend should look at and masturbate too.

[tinktronik]

Why do men look at porn . For a physical turn on . Its the "alternate skirt theory ". I actually came home two days ago early and there was my H with a porn playing , some guy had given it to him via email that day. I don't think in our whole R I have ever known about any porn in our house and doubt there have been many times . Poor guy got caught at it though. So I said hon whatcha doin'? He said watching a movie . ....akward silence... A movie?

Is it any good?

 

I don't know yet you want to watch it .

sure .....

So now thats out of the way . It did'nt bother me one bit.

[amerikajin]

I AM NOT INSECURE!!!!!! How many times do I have to repeat that before someone gets it. If I was insecure I would just accept that a man looks at porn because I would feel I could never find someone esle. I also do not ever fantasize about anyone besides my boyfriend. It just doesn't do anything for me to think about some random stranger. I am happy with my man and have no need for someone esle.

 

I have every right to feel that I am the only naked chick my boyfriend should look at and masturbate too.

 

Fair enough.

 

I can't say you're wrong and I certainly have no desire to challenge your relationship in any way, especially when I don't know you or your lover. I can only speak with respect to my own experiences, both the experiences I've had personally and also those I've observed in other people I've met.

 

Once in a while, I meet a couple that seems to be really in love. I've also met some really religious people who share faith together and I guess these might be examples of couples who probably don't allow their minds to stray. Maybe I'm hanging out with the wrong people.

 

It's just that in my experience, I've been friends with people, worked with people, and otherwise made acquaintances who don't seem to mind telling me from time to time that they occasionally think about someone other than their wife/husband in a sexual light. Men tend to do this more than women in my experience; women at least keep their mouths shut about it more than men do, though I don't know if that necessarily means that they are any less guilty of this tendency of which we speak, which ultimately is the underlying motivation behind porn viewing in the first place. Boredom, curiosity, uber-sexuality that needs another outlet...I'm not really qualified to say exactly what it is that leads a man (or a woman in some cases) to seek sexual gratification through porn, or to gawk at other women when their s.o.'s not around.

 

It's been a while since I've seen the statistics, but I think something like 55 percent of men in the U.S. have had an extra marital sexual encounter at one point or another in their lives. Granted, some of those might be embittered husbands who are having a little fun on the side on their way to divorce court

but I think that piece of information is telling. I'd say the overwhelming majority of men would cheat if they could be sure they'd get away with it. I know I've thought about it from time to time in one or two of my previous relationships - that's not something I'm proud to admit, but it's the truth. Mostly, toward the burnout phase of the relationship I just confine my thoughts to an occasional fantasy or two.

 

Personally, I've never really been into porn. This is gonna sound a bit prude, but I've just never really been interested in seeing that much graphic detail up close. I'd rather just do it and enjoy the moment with my partner, whoever that may be. But I still fantasize about other women, and I imagine that it'll always be this way. I just can't help myself. I have no plans to disclose this to any woman I'm with, because I think she would see it as a threat to her status in the relationship, which it wouldn't be in reality.

 

I guess I can only relate to my experience. For me, I've dated beautiful women and still had thoughts of others. In no way did it diminish my sexual attraction to the one I was dating in and of itself; it became a problem when I started losing my attraction to my girl for entirely separate reasons.

 

You know what you want and what your standards are, rainfall. You shouldn't compromise them if you feel strongly about it. Nobody here can really give you advice about how you should feel about this issue and how you should deal with it should it emerge in your relationship. I guess I'd just say in return , I think that this sword can cut both ways. Some people can compartmentalize the fantasies and still function in a relationship. Relationships run the gamut. It's a lot easier when you simplify things down to a few moral precepts but a lot of people who want to be in a relationship aren't prepared to do that. So I guess then, we're all left with a choice to do as we see fit and understand that our partners will do the same. I guess if you can't stand porn, you should just go ahead and find someone who can't stand it either. My philosophy is, we have to accept that a lot of people want flexibility and freedom to retain their individuality, and that reasonable people can disagree over the "right" and "wrong" in a relationship - and in some cases they involve very emotionally sensitive issues. Personally, I wouldn't want to date a woman who took such a hard line against porn or fantasy that she would automatically end the relationship, but that's just me. I guess, though, if she would at least talk with me about it and let me explain myself and if she'd do the same in return, there might be a way to work out a resolution. But to go into a controversy assuming we have superior values and moral high ground could be a one-way ticket out of a relationship that might otherwise be rewarding.

[Guest]

Fair enough.

 

I can't say you're wrong and I certainly have no desire to challenge your relationship in any way, especially when I don't know you or your lover. I can only speak with respect to my own experiences, both the experiences I've had personally and also those I've observed in other people I've met.

 

Once in a while, I meet a couple that seems to be really in love. I've also met some really religious people who share faith together and I guess these might be examples of couples who probably don't allow their minds to stray. Maybe I'm hanging out with the wrong people.

 

It's just that in my experience, I've been friends with people, worked with people, and otherwise made acquaintances who don't seem to mind telling me from time to time that they occasionally think about someone other than their wife/husband in a sexual light. Men tend to do this more than women in my experience; women at least keep their mouths shut about it more than men do, though I don't know if that necessarily means that they are any less guilty of this tendency of which we speak, which ultimately is the underlying motivation behind porn viewing in the first place. Boredom, curiosity, uber-sexuality that needs another outlet...I'm not really qualified to say exactly what it is that leads a man (or a woman in some cases) to seek sexual gratification through porn, or to gawk at other women when their s.o.'s not around.

 

It's been a while since I've seen the statistics, but I think something like 55 percent of men in the U.S. have had an extra marital sexual encounter at one point or another in their lives. Granted, some of those might be embittered husbands who are having a little fun on the side on their way to divorce court

but I think that piece of information is telling. I'd say the overwhelming majority of men would cheat if they could be sure they'd get away with it. I know I've thought about it from time to time in one or two of my previous relationships - that's not something I'm proud to admit, but it's the truth. Mostly, toward the burnout phase of the relationship I just confine my thoughts to an occasional fantasy or two.

 

Personally, I've never really been into porn. This is gonna sound a bit prude, but I've just never really been interested in seeing that much graphic detail up close. I'd rather just do it and enjoy the moment with my partner, whoever that may be. But I still fantasize about other women, and I imagine that it'll always be this way. I just can't help myself. I have no plans to disclose this to any woman I'm with, because I think she would see it as a threat to her status in the relationship, which it wouldn't be in reality.

 

I guess I can only relate to my experience. For me, I've dated beautiful women and still had thoughts of others. In no way did it diminish my sexual attraction to the one I was dating in and of itself; it became a problem when I started losing my attraction to my girl for entirely separate reasons.

 

You know what you want and what your standards are, rainfall. You shouldn't compromise them if you feel strongly about it. Nobody here can really give you advice about how you should feel about this issue and how you should deal with it should it emerge in your relationship. I guess I'd just say in return , I think that this sword can cut both ways. Some people can compartmentalize the fantasies and still function in a relationship. Relationships run the gamut. It's a lot easier when you simplify things down to a few moral precepts but a lot of people who want to be in a relationship aren't prepared to do that. So I guess then, we're all left with a choice to do as we see fit and understand that our partners will do the same. I guess if you can't stand porn, you should just go ahead and find someone who can't stand it either. My philosophy is, we have to accept that a lot of people want flexibility and freedom to retain their individuality, and that reasonable people can disagree over the "right" and "wrong" in a relationship - and in some cases they involve very emotionally sensitive issues. Personally, I wouldn't want to date a woman who took such a hard line against porn or fantasy that she would automatically end the relationship, but that's just me. I guess, though, if she would at least talk with me about it and let me explain myself and if she'd do the same in return, there might be a way to work out a resolution. But to go into a controversy assuming we have superior values and moral high ground could be a one-way ticket out of a relationship that might otherwise be rewarding.

 

 

i would like to make this perfectly - when i went thru my porn phase it was simply because i just never had, i'm a late bloomer - never got a computer until 6 months before i met my wife - and to be perfectly honest my wife is so amazing in every possible way that i was overwhelmed, experienced a level of initmacy in such a way, that i bascially got greedy - wanted it all, and right now, give it to me babe, uh huh, uh huh, and because she already knew what its like to be so excited [i am still amazed at how she just sort of matter of factually just shrugs off her amazing love making sex making ability - like its nothing - well ITSSSSSSSSSSS SOMETHING] so, that's what happened - i experienced being with a goddess, wanted more, she said maybe, i kept hounding her, she got pisssed, i felt gross, on to isolation, porn, drugs, depression, and ta da! one year later - still sitting in jail and single - lol

 

thank gawd i got all that stuff out of my system and know what i want and don';t want now.

[Grinning Maniac]

If that image pops into his head, then it does. If he went out to rent the movie just so he could see her bare ass and spank to it, I would have a problem. Or if he saw it and consciously chose to go spank to it after the movie. But if a thought he can't control happens to enter his head while he's having his fun - that happens. It's unintentional, unavoidable, and that's fine.

 

^^ Rules of Masturbation, as written by the IRS.

[Grinning Maniac]

One should not seek out other parties (in any form - physical, webcam, phone, picture, movie) for their sexual gratification whilst in a relationship imo.

 

[Pornstars] do exist. They are real people. They are not objects.

 

Well, I don't see them as real people. So as far as I’m concerned, there’s no “other party” involved. I completely agree with the “no other parties” rule. However, I just don't see pictures and videos as "other people". Personally, I think when you take on that kind of job, you renounce any idea of a “self“. Porn is designed to be rediculously fake and idealized/exaggerated. Why do you think porn stars aren't objects? That’s what the term “sex object” means. Object. Symbol. You become a representation of a particular kink/personal taste; designed for public consumption. They sell media of themselves shagging. They aren't delivering speeches on BBC about the Iraq War. Porn stars are no more real to me than the characters of “24”.

 

Do I know what porn stars are like off-camera? No. Do I give a ****? Nope. Does anyone care what Jenna Jameson’s favorite book is? Her favorite childhood memory? Where she likes to vacation? I certainly don’t.

 

So as long as the man I love is still the man I love I can justify any behavior Can I masterbate to webcams of strangers? of people I know? Can I get a lap dance at sokme club? Or maybe just pay for a strip show from some random hunky stranger in the bathroom of some club or bar? Can I sleep with a male prostitute? How about getting a good "sensual" nude massage from my hot male friend? I mean, as long as it's meaningless and I still love my guy and still want to be with him it's ok is what you're saying? Just because *you* feel a behavior does not cross a line, does not mean that all couples will agree with you. It's not your choice to set up other couples boundaries. It has to be something both partners agree on and are comfortable with - or else you see problems like the millions of porn threads on this board.

 

Again, we seem to be dealing with the person/object issue. All the examples you mentioned involve other people whom you are interacting with. I would not find such behaviors acceptable in a relationship, nor would I expect anyone else to accept it if I did them. But porn is not a person. It’s an image or video file. First cousin to thinking up a scenario yourself.

 

I think you missed the point I was making with that statement, based on your emphasis of “who I love is still who I love”. Perhaps that’s my fault though. My ultimate point was not “my feelings for her are the same, therefore I can do [X]”. It was a response to all of the statements by women insisting that waxing your carrot to porn means that those feelings have changed.

 

(Example:“He’s looking at porn, so that must mean he isn‘t satisfied with me and thinks I‘m a hideous bridge troll.”)

 

So you'd still enjoy it if it was a zit faced, overweight slob? (the girl, not the guy - I know a lot of guys in porn are extremely "unattractive" compared to their femal counterparts.) I highly doubt it. The act may be part of it, but the women matter too. This is a lame justification, because it is only partially true, and I think most women know that.

 

Someone else said this better than me...

 

"Not to mention, most men watch guy/girl porn, not just look at photos of girls or watch movies of just girls. And if they're watching guy/girl porn it has nothing to do with him OR you. It just turns him on. It's not like he's imagining himself doing her, he's just getting off to her because she's hot and is getting off to the guy doing her or what not."

-Hummingbird343

 

For some it may be insecurity, but you can't use that as a blanket excuse. Some have religious objections, some (like me) have moral objections (to how the porn industry is run, how *many* porn girls are treated, to the objectification of women, etc etc.), some (also like me) it simply crosses a boundary, and some certainly are insecure.

 

Perfectly valid point. However, since most people complaining about porn bring up statements along the lines of “it makes me feel i’m not good enough”, you’ll excuse me for using insecurity as the “norm”. Those who have objections to it for other reasons, they aren’t the people I’m addressing. If Jesus tells you it’s wrong to wax your carrot, that’s pretty much the end. Can’t argue with that. If it “just crosses a line” with the SO, then hey, same deal.

 

If it’s a moral objection, then that’s just comedy. Why? Because I always find it amusing how women get up in arms about porn being demeaning to women, when the women doing the porn apparently aren’t too upset about it, if they're taking the job. Apparently a lot of women are willing to demean themselves for money. The choices and lifestyles of those women is no reflection upon the rest of you. Just because some chinese girl is doing back-to-back bukkake scenes, that doesn't mean I suddenly see my girl as the same kind of skank. It's rediculous. It's like me saying that rapists and serial killers make me look bad. I’ve never understood that argument anyway. But damn...this seems like something for a whole different thread, so I’ll stop there.

 

OK, so say hypothetically I think that paying male prostitutes for sex (and taking all procautionary measures including STD tests afterwards because i know condoms arent 100%) means "nothing" and is not an issue, should I be able to do it? Should I call my partner insecure if he has a problem with this - because after all, I still love him and it's just for sexual release when I want a good meaningless f*** where I don't have to care about his pleasure.

 

And no, I haven't ever read a fantasy novel. Don't give me that "it's equal" bull****, no it's not. What would be equal for me, would be to make pornographic images and give them to other people. Because feeling sexy and desired gets me in the mood. Should I be able to do that, even if my partner has a problem with it?

 

If you go on the "it's fantasy, they're just pictures" logic - then yes I should. I disagree, I feel it would be very disrespectful of my partner, and my relationship with him to do that - and so I don't. Do I think about doing, sure - but I don't cross the line into carrying out the behavior.

 

You keep bringing up really bad examples. But many women in the thread are doing that. We say “porn pics/vids” and as equivalents, you ladies say “male strippers/manwhores/booty calls/one night stands/massage guys/live webcams/becoming a camwhore”. All of those examples involve you interacting with another person. Interaction. That means two people, who are aware of each other’s existence, doing freaky things together. Those things are no-nos in a relationship, unless otherwise agreed upon.

 

Porn is not sentient. If porn WERE sentient, you might have a decent analogy. As is, however, it doesn’t work.

 

A romance novel would be an equivalent to porn because it is non-interactive media. The pages don’t grow digits and start fingerbanging you. You’re pleasuring yourself with the aid of your imagination and the “preset fantasy” provided by the book. The same thing goes for guys and porn. On the other hand, taking naughty photos of yourself and putting them on the net is very much interactive. Especially if you’re doing it to feel “sexy and desired”. Primarily, because in order to know that you are “considered sexy and desired” by your patrons, you’d probably have to set up some message board or chat room where people could skeet-skeet-skeet their complements at you.

 

PS: Much love to Krytellan, Starman, and Hummingbird343 (huzzah, I made someone de-lurk!)

[Grinning Maniac]

I AM NOT INSECURE!!!!!! How many times do I have to repeat that before someone gets it.

 

Porn hurts me because I work my butt of to look good for my man. I deserve better then to be just some wet hole he uses.

 

Reading this thread has made me see why some women stop caring about how they look in relationships. Really there is no point in trying if you will never be enough for your guy.

 

[Pink Amulet]

It has been a long time since I have seen a porn actress with any assets worth so much jealousy and hatred rainfall. Most are a bit ho-hum, and average. Anyway...

 

I don't think your partner thinks of you as a wet hole because he watches porn... if he was that way inclined, he would think of you as a wet hole without the assistance of porn!

[rainfall]

I am secure with myself. I just think that since I do look good and do work my butt of to stay that way my man should not need anyone esle. If he does it is because I am not enough for him. Whether it is because I let myself go (NOT THE CASE), or because he is just a shallow jack ass who doesn't rslly love me.

[Toni_no12002]

Massage isnt sexual for a start im a beauty therapist.Ive massaged guys and ive massaged women!

 

I was shocked the other day when i heard this bloke say to his friend that at the weekend hed take him to this "slags" house.Is that what men see women as nowadays?You see the men arent slags though oh noooo

 

I think id rather not know what goes on in my guys head.As long as he doesnt tell me thats fair enough but if he ever told me hey ive been pulling one off about your sister id go nuts!Then again he doesnt know what goes on in my head and if he did i think hed be equally as shocked

 

I think there are more important things than worrying about this.Maybe it aseems like its the worst thing in the world at the moment but its not.

 

Can i ask people a question?This may seem a little strange.Well you know all this child porn going around some men watch it....yes i know its sick to think of but you use this excuse of its not real etc its fantasy!but surely this isnt real so why do people get arrested for it then?I thought it was fantasy?

[Starman]

 

Can i ask people a question?This may seem a little strange.Well you know all this child porn going around some men watch it....yes i know its sick to think of but you use this excuse of its not real etc its fantasy!but surely this isnt real so why do people get arrested for it then?I thought it was fantasy?

 

The reason that it is illegal (outside of just being morally wrong on every level) is that children are not able to make an adult, conscience decision to engage in sexual behavior, in front of a camera for other people's sexual gratification. An adult can make that decision and know what they are doing, a child is most definitely exploited in the most horrific of ways. Thus the CREATION of child pornography is a serious crime and being in possession of an illegal item is also a crime.

 

Regular adult porn is not illegal to make, thus not illegal to possess.

 

That is the my personal Cliff Notes reasoning.

[stillafool]

Sorry, I didn't read this entire thread, but I would say men look at porn because they like looking at other women's naked bodies. My h watches it from time to time and it doesn't make me jealous because he's not going to try to date them. It's just a man thing. They are visual creatures and the like to look at hot women doing disgusting things with strangers - what can I say!