A mans pov on booby staring?

[a4a]

You're right. Nice doesn't work with these guys. It's like nothing registers without a verbal 2 x 4 and follow-through tough-love kind of action to back it up. And honestly, it's just too much work.

 

And look at what a4a did after H passed out six whole flyers:

 

 

So he passes out six flyers (3x the amount required, granted!), and you do all the work it takes to put the ad in the paper?

 

Could it be that your overwork enables him to underfunction quite well?

 

You only verbally said you expected him to pass out 2 flyers, while on here it looks like you ACTUALLY expect him to do quite a lot more, which, frankly, seems reasonable to me. Except we can't see if you've made your actual expectations clear to him. If you haven't (perhaps in the bottom-line way you had to do it yesterday--now that's a b!tch, ain't it:(), then from his point of view, nothing is ever good enough for you, so why bother.

 

I don't think your expectations are too high. If anything, they're too low. He's meeting the letter of the law you lay down. But what you really want is the spirit of the law, right?--him giving out of himself at his initiative in order to contribute to the common good of your life together?

 

I dunno. Just asking in order to help.

 

The dog bite incident is disturbing. How does he handle emergency situations in general, though? Some folks are just paralyzed in those situations--it's an actual physical inability to respond, as though they go on sensory overload and shut down like a computer crash and just stand there. Is that what he did?

 

 

Actually I was impressed at his flyer handout ratio I did say 2 he did more than that... I was more than pleased with his effort.... he doesn't even know I put the ad in today. I did it for the reason ......he is making a damn good effort, he is not here today so I will step up to the plate and help with his effort as he shows a genuine interest at this point and is making a damn good effort. (any effort is exceptional in my view right now).

 

My previous post and the strength of it was to show Moose that I do not just demand things... I move on them as well....but it ends up I sit taking full responsibility for things..... NO MORE..... partner yes, leader at times yes, sacrafice at times yes......but not servant ....... I am not his servant or his mommy.

 

No he is great in emergencies and assists me often with several. He does not freeze or get frantic. Another quality I saw in him as a partner.....he does act in a calm urgent manner as do I.

 

The dog bite thing is still very disturbing to me.......very... it actually makes a little distrust pop up.

[Walk]

Well... since I feel it was me you were addressing with this diatribe, here goes...

 

I felt that in a relationship it was my... responsibility, or duty, to ensure that what ever I had was available for my partner. Money, time, emotions, sex.. whatever. And I believed (at the time) that everyone thought this way, and I gave everything without a complaint.. I thought every one understood that you only took what you absolutely needed.

 

But gradually, I realized that some people don't stop taking even after they have what they need. They keep taking because they can. But my beliefs didn't change regarding taking.. so I only took the barest necessary for what I needed.

 

Then one day it hit me. People will take everything you've got if you don't stand the hell up for yourself. Even if it means stabbing them in the head with a fork so they'll open their GD eyes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Ergo... this occured around the same time that I realized my husband had bought my $4,000 engagment ring with money he had gotten by mortgaging the house I had paid for. And I only learned of this after I had spent 2 years busting my ass to pay off that stupid mortgage. I decided that since I paid for my own engagement ring, that I had every right to be .. how did you say it? Oh yes... a "manipulative, demanding little B!tch".

 

You should grovel at the feet of your wife for the hell you put her through, and for her effort in creating a good marriage. Instead you come off as high and mighty. As though you are responsible for the state of your marriage now. Sounds as if she put in all the work, and you're claiming all the glory. So how are you any different now? You're still taking what you don't deserve.

 

You, The wise and knowledgable one, who simply reacted to someone elses effort. Obviously A4a will be waiting a LONG DAMN time for her hubby to put the effort in.. or she can set the boundaries and potentially save her marriage. But being a doormat isn't working for her...

 

Lazy, didn't want to work, .....that's how much I saw or cared about them.....

 

It was simple......I had no clue what a marriage was, or what my role was.

 

What changed????

 

Mrs. Moose

 

STOPPED being the manipulative, demanding little B!tch that she was......and she STOPPED, keeping track of, "I do this, I do that, I've been busting my azz 24/7 and you've done NOTHING Boo Hoo Hoo"......BS.....

 

I turned a complete 180 degrees........

 

 

t takes sacrifice, tons, and tons, and tons of sacrifice. If either the husband or wife doesn't have it in them to do so.....IT JUST WON'T WORK!

[Walk]

The dog bite thing is still very disturbing to me.......very... it actually makes a little distrust pop up.

 

Any chance that he didn't act because of fear of making the attacks worse on you? Or even add in.. you said you couldn't beat the dogs off for some reason... (maybe I remember this wrong.) but maybe that was in his head at the time of the attack? A belief that jumping in and beating the snot out of the dogs would've led to far worse repercussions?? Either in you being more seriously hurt, or in causing you to get fired, or thrown out... ?

 

I'd like to say I'd jump in and save someone I loved from the attack of two very mean dogs.. but frankly, I'd be scared shytless. I don't know if I could get my legs to move even if I desperately needed them to. And I'm pretty comfortable around mean dogs, within reason.. but we had wild dogs around our house that would come after us. (They killed all our cats, and charged my mom, but she got in the house before they got to her.) We just shot them from a distance.. no running up and grabbing them or anything.

[Becoming]

it ends up I sit taking full responsibility for things..... NO MORE..... partner yes, leader at times yes, sacrafice at times yes......but not servant ....... I am not his servant or his mommy.

 

I think this right here is key and will work if you stay the course over the long haul, which isn't always easy because it does seem as if you're naturally a giving person. It may actually be hard to lay off giving too much.

 

And of course, you need to be honest with this strategy: "I said partnership. I meant partnership, which means . . .{insert what you said above, which is fabulous!}.

 

Have you talked about the dog bite incident and how his response has made you wonder if he's really there to stand up for you when you need him to?

 

When was this? You coulda been killed, as I'm sure you know.

 

And Walk: :bunny: I assume you're wailing on Moose here, right? Or is it your X? :lmao:

[a4a]

Any chance that he didn't act because of fear of making the attacks worse on you? Or even add in.. you said you couldn't beat the dogs off for some reason... (maybe I remember this wrong.) but maybe that was in his head at the time of the attack? A belief that jumping in and beating the snot out of the dogs would've led to far worse repercussions?? Either in you being more seriously hurt, or in causing you to get fired, or thrown out... ?

 

I'd like to say I'd jump in and save someone I loved from the attack of two very mean dogs.. but frankly, I'd be scared shytless. I don't know if I could get my legs to move even if I desperately needed them to. And I'm pretty comfortable around mean dogs, within reason.. but we had wild dogs around our house that would come after us. (They killed all our cats, and charged my mom, but she got in the house before they got to her.) We just shot them from a distance.. no running up and grabbing them or anything.

 

oh no I would not have allowed him to hit the attacking dogs

We are the rescue team... this was smack in the middle of camp... I did not even hit the dogs..... could have been really bad bad PR...... there were at least 20 witnesses. But you know how these things work. One person could have seen me defending myself or him beating dogs off me and next thing you know.... we are satanist who beat up poor innocent dogs until the poor dogs were forced to bite us..... I stood still and did not budge.....the dogs still attacked.... if I would have ran.... it would have been way way worse.

 

and he/H was at least 20 feet away anyway.... I was smack in the middle of a parking lot.... I saw the 2 dogs.... they saw me......they came from at least 50 feet away...... and KAPOWIE.....I am Alpo!

 

It was post the attack when the fat man volunteer there would not allow me to see the paperwork.... my problem was not with the dogs (although they did a nice job on me)..... my problem was a 2 legged asswipe .... H watched this part of the ordeal..... while I am bleeding and meat chunks are outta my leg the fat man refused to let me see the dogs vaccination records.....he was not the owner...he had no authority what so ever.. the man literally held the paperwork over my head..... H just watched. The Fat man is a pro animal really out there and did not want the dogs to "get into trouble"..... like euthanized. All I wanted to know is did the dogs have rabies vacs and to do a bite report..... these dogs could have easily killed a child.

 

These same dogs went after others.... the owner was a nut job.... and the MP's had to deal with her with M-16s.

 

Man it was a scene........ I kinda laugh because I remember looking at other people watching me get attacked and it was like their mouths were all hanging open and in really slow motion :lmao:

 

I did finally get so mad after 15 minutes of debate that I called the fat man a fat f-ing schmuck..... I have no idea where I got the word schmuck from But the whole time my H just stood there.......watching me ask nicely, try to show the fat man logic, and finally lose it on the fat man.....he said nothing.

[a4a]

Well... since I feel it was me you were addressing with this diatribe, here goes...

 

I felt that in a relationship it was my... responsibility, or duty, to ensure that what ever I had was available for my partner. Money, time, emotions, sex.. whatever. And I believed (at the time) that everyone thought this way, and I gave everything without a complaint.. I thought every one understood that you only took what you absolutely needed.

 

But gradually, I realized that some people don't stop taking even after they have what they need. They keep taking because they can. But my beliefs didn't change regarding taking.. so I only took the barest necessary for what I needed.

...

 

well you just described me to a fruckin T..... maybe that is why I feel drained. I do see where that is my fault. Like I said before I think I created a monster.

 

and :lmao: I did fly off the handle and yell WHAT ABOUT ME......WHAT ABOUT WHAT I NEED!!!!

 

And you know I sit and do feel a twinge of guilt if he rubs my back.... like I should be rubbing his instead... he works hard he needs it...... I can go without...... stupidass me.....

[Becoming]

Ok. Thanks for what it is that really bothered you--it was H not stepping in against FM's sadism. (You're BLEEDING fer Gawd's sake! Possibly in semi-shock after the attack. Is that right?)

 

But have you talked to H about this? He loves you. He had his reasons. What did he say about this?

 

It's hard for men to know what to do in situations where their SOs are handling a professional matter. I know I've let my H know that in order to command respect in my field I have to fight my own battles without his interference, and I've told him to stay out of defending me when he's seen me attacked by others in a professional situation.

 

Perhaps something like that was going on with your H?

 

Was it your professional gig that day, or your professional reputation at stake without his being involved? In other words, was his role there just as H/volunteer, or was he also your business partner?

 

These relationships are really tricky. He probably just didn't know what to do and erred on the side of caution.

[Becoming]

Yes, Walk, you described the problem with me as well. Think we're on to something here.

[a4a]

Yes, Walk, you described the problem with me as well. Think we're on to something here.

 

 

oh but should we not support them and change ourselves to help them.....if we don't they might leave us.... and we deserve that

 

We don't understand what they need from us.....they need us to admire them no matter what they do or don't do for us.....

 

 

Well that ain't a relationship...... well unless of course you are a dog.

[Becoming]

oh but should we not support them and change ourselves to help them.....if we don't they might leave us.... and we deserve that

 

We don't understand what they need from us.....they need us to admire them no matter what they do or don't do for us.....

 

 

Well that ain't a relationship...... well unless of course you are a dog.

 

:lmao: That's they way it goes, doesn't it? BS!

 

I can honestly say that once I got what Walk realized, too, that the marriage improved . . . after he balked big time, of course . . AND I didn't blink anymore.

 

Problem is, many of us women blink/back down . . . partly because we buy into what society tells us we should do/be. And it's hard to go against that when that's what you're raised to think is normal.

 

And our men have been taught that our self-sacrificing to their needs is normal so that they don't even have to think about how women see things, think about things--i.e. the independent Marlborough man.

 

Aren't we a surprise.

[RecordProducer]

So yesterday I told him "you will hand out at least two flyers to people you see at work or you will not bother to come home"...... guess what..... he said he handed out about 6 of them even stuck one on the windshield of a contractor truck there.....

 

So obviously me being nice and supportive did not work for almost a year.... being direct, blunt, and offering consequences does work with him.

You think it's the underlined threat that worked, but it's actually the order in bold letters that worked. You were direct and determined about your demands and he fulfilled your request.

 

His reward will be for me to get off his back and not leave.

This is a very poor reward! His reward should be your love and appreciation, not your mere presence in his life. Your presence means nothing if it's not accompanied with positive feelings and attitudes.

 

It may work for a while, but eventually it will not be enough and it will backfire on you when you least expect.

 

Now I did offer support I just put another ad in the paper with a picture of the truck for him this morn..I paid for the ad, I DID IT

Well obviously you have more initiation in you. People change with time and apparently he has changed too. What do you mean YOU paid for the add? It's mutual budget, isn't it? If he earned the money and you spent it, would you feel like spending what's not yours? If he happens to make a lot of money in the future, how would you feel if he told you: "I bought you a new car."

 

When I thanked my husband for the car we bought for me, he said: "Why are you thanking me? It's OUR money, WE bought a car for you, not ME for you!"

 

There is no room for this mentality what's mine is mine, what's your is yours in a marriage. If you are better in certain things (selling the truck), YOU do it. He will gladly do some other things for the to of you, wouldn't he? Split the chores in a fair way, but don't assign him tasks that you are better at! He did agree to sell the truck, right?

 

You died laughing when Moose asked you about roles, but you're basically saying that he has to wear the pant in the house, not you. So we're back to Moose's old-fashioned, evergreen marriage style.

[a4a]

Ok. Thanks for what it is that really bothered you--it was H not stepping in against FM's sadism. (You're BLEEDING fer Gawd's sake! Possibly in semi-shock after the attack. Is that right?)

 

correct.... not one word.... not "Sir please allow us to see the paperwork so we can determine if my wife needs to go to the hospital for rabies vaccines or not"...... nada! (btw I had the dogs quarentined for 10 days they did not have their rabies vacs, it took 2 vets and MPs holding M-16s on these dogs to tranq and transport them..... these were highly vicious dogs)

 

But have you talked to H about this? He loves you. He had his reasons. What did he say about this?

 

You know this haunts me. And having men hit on me right in front of him without reaction from him brings this back up as well. I asked, he said he just did not really think..... his same answer... I don't know why I did or did not do something comes up...... but you know I asked him a few days ago about it again... got the I don't know from him.... I am going to share this again with him tonight..... tell him exactly how it made me feel in detail, I have in short terms.... he hurt me, I was shocked that he did nothing.... but detail will be given......maybe in the future he will think and act?

 

It's hard for men to know what to do in situations where their SOs are handling a professional matter. I know I've let my H know that in order to command respect in my field I have to fight my own battles without his interference, and I've told him to stay out of defending me when he's seen me attacked by others in a professional situation.

 

Perhaps something like that was going on with your H?

 

well towards the end I just walked away and went to our team and asked if anyone could handle the situation for me as I lost my cool....... nada... my good friend and mentor stepped up to the plate.... authority was called in and after about 2 hours it was solved. Major ass kissing took place.... still have the lip marks on my butt

 

Was it your professional gig that day, or your professional reputation at stake without his being involved? In other words, was his role there just as H/volunteer, or was he also your business partner?

 

full partner with the same clout we all had.... we actually had and have an outstanding position with this whole situation. I have some training that others don't and I can go into "combat" so to speak

 

These relationships are really tricky. He probably just didn't know what to do and erred on the side of caution.

 

It makes me wonder what he would have done if it was his child or his friend in the same circumstances. I think he believes I will just take my lumps and just take care of it... he has no reason to. Makes me wonder what he would do if another person assaulted me...... or for that matter raped me. Trust issue.

 

oh the topper on this one..... we were only married for about 3 or 4 days when this happened :lmao: It was our honeymoon!!! :lmao: That is why he was along with me. That and we needed him.......but still :lmao:

[Moose]

You should grovel at the feet of your wife for the hell you put her through, and for her effort in creating a good marriage.

Trust me....I do. I'll never be able to repay her for her efforts, but I try my best. Her love language is gifts. So, that's pretty easy, I LOVE to spend money.

 

My love language is words of affirmation. I may not receive as much from her in my love bank, because she loves to give gifts as well......but that's neither here or there, we don't track who has what in their love bank, as long as it's clear the account isn't overdrawn.....

 

So yes, I do agree with you, whole heartedly, and I try to show my appreciation for her a few times a week.

Instead you come off as high and mighty.

Sorry, if it sounds like that to you, but you should take it as someone who's been there, done that, and came out with some knowledge on the subject.QUOTE]As though you are responsible for the state of your marriage now. I am at least 50% responsible for the current state of our marriage.

Sounds as if she put in all the work, and you're claiming all the glory.

Right......I didn't have to do a blessed thing, but sit back, and let her cater to my every whim. NOT!!

So how are you any different now?

How long do you have? It would literally take days to type that one out.

You're still taking what you don't deserve.

How can you be so sure about that? Do you know us IRL?

You, The wise and knowledgable one, who simply reacted to someone elses effort.

It took a helluva lot more than just reacting to her effort, you don't have any idea!

Obviously A4a will be waiting a LONG DAMN time for her hubby to put the effort in.. or she can set the boundaries and potentially save her marriage. But being a doormat isn't working for her...

And that is too bad. Really, I do feel bad about that. Especially since all of this great feedback she's getting, (not from me evidentally), is either being taken with a grain of salt, or as a personal attack.

 

There's no happy median in there at all.

 

Lastley, I don't see where you get the thought that I'm saying she needs to be his doormat......if that is indeed what you're implying....

[RecordProducer]

I am far from manipulative....... far from demanding........

 

...maybe me saying "we need to move some hay over to the other farm tomorrow so we have to wrap stuff up earlier to get there" is demanding -I am indeed manipulative.

 

Or maybe being a huge b*tch is saying " It would be fun to decorate the house for the holidays, maybe we should have our friends over for a party"

What the hell are you saying here? that you should say "It'd be nice to decorate the house" and the next day you find the house decorated?

 

You know, my husband also doesn't do anything until I say "Today when you come from work, we are goint to do/buy this or that."

 

If you think that by thinking out loud "it would be nice to..." will make your wishes magically fullfiled then you're looking for a genie, not a husband.

 

Just being curious: do you cook and clean? How about him? Does he expect/demand this from you?

[a4a]

You think it's the underlined threat that worked, but it's actually the order in bold letters that worked. You were direct and determined about your demands and he fulfilled your request.

 

This is a very poor reward! His reward should be your love and appreciation, not your mere presence in his life. Your presence means nothing if it's not accompanied with positive feelings and attitudes.

 

It may work for a while, but eventually it will not be enough and it will backfire on you when you least expect.

 

Well obviously you have more initiation in you. People change with time and apparently he has changed too. What do you mean YOU paid for the add? It's mutual budget, isn't it? If he earned the money and you spent it, would you feel like spending what's not yours? If he happens to make a lot of money in the future, how would you feel if he told you: "I bought you a new car."

 

When I thanked my husband for the car we bought for me, he said: "Why are you thanking me? It's OUR money, WE bought a car for you, not ME for you!"

 

There is no room for this mentality what's mine is mine, what's your is yours in a marriage. If you are better in certain things (selling the truck), YOU do it. He will gladly do some other things for the to of you, wouldn't he? Split the chores in a fair way, but don't assign him tasks that you are better at! He did agree to sell the truck, right?

 

You died laughing when Moose asked you about roles, but you're basically saying that he has to wear the pant in the house, not you. So we're back to Moose's old-fashioned, evergreen marriage style.

 

 

RP see... you are not getting it because you have not experienced it.

 

Pixie has, Becoming has, Walk has....

 

as to the moose comment....... no the guy needs to do his fair share.....he is not.

 

If your husband stopped being able to afford your house and relied on you to pay for it, if he did so just because he was not putting effort into trying....what would you do...... tell him you love him and try to get him to go to work by offering him bj's if he does.....

 

and as for our money.......well if he had any to pay his own bills with then sure. You have things handed to you by your H.... I don't .....see I have handed everything to him. And mark my word if you cut your H off from affection, care, and effort he would cut you off from your "mutual" money.

 

I own my own business that required money to stay in it. He is draining my business money..... he is draining our future as well.

 

I have a new house getting ready to be built for resale...... with the money I have worked for and am still working for...... he won't even lift a finger to help with the project or offer moral support. All of my mine goes to him......not to me.... I buy him things.......he does not buy me ****. I don't spend a friggin dime on myself because I need everything to get our future straight. I invested my money 5 years ago in property..... I don't have a stitch of debt but a mort. and a truck payment.

 

His business failed before we met..... well I mean he never actually worked hard enough to get it really going.... I offered to help him. He would not show initiative to really work at it.... he expected me to do I guess.

 

His fruckin reward is that I don't walk out the GD door.

that is his reward.

 

And you know you don't reward a person for hurting you or for having destructive behaviors.

 

I certainly would not expect him to say...... "oh honey I see you screwed the guy down the road and spent all my money for the tenth time this year..... oh boy I must treat you better now. How bout a back rub baby?"

 

Timing is everything.....one must earn their rewards, the reward should be what is deserved and nothing more nothing less.

 

He agrees his treatment is just..... and that is all that matters. He knows he must prove himself. He is so willing to because I certainly have treated him with massive amounts of appreciations and care.......he knows he treated me like ****..... his words..... not mine.

[hotgurl]

a4a,

you said he quit his job. Is this the job with the fat cow wife who wouldn't pay the empolyees check?

[a4a]

What the hell are you saying here? that you should say "It'd be nice to decorate the house" and the next day you find the house decorated?

You know, my husband also doesn't do anything until I say "Today when you come from work, we are goint to do/buy this or that."

 

If you think that by thinking out loud "it would be nice to..." will make your wishes magically fullfiled then you're looking for a genie, not a husband.

 

Just being curious: do you cook and clean? How about him? Does he expect/demand this from you?

 

DOH>>>>>>>>>>>>

In bold above : it is the fact that he cannot stop for one second and say.... oh would you like to do that.... well lets talk about it and since that is something you might like maybe we fruckin can...... do ya get it?

 

Then I say well I would like to put some lights out on the fence and maybe do somthing for the holidays.... what do you think?.......... he says yeah that might look cool. I say well I think I have enough lights already for the whole front of the fence...... when do you want to get at it?

 

I do communicate my desires.... he then states yes I will and then never does anything about it.... I do not expect him to do it alone. He easily dismisses what I want. But holy smokes he wants to go build a new side on the shop.... whammo it is done and I am right there pounding nails with him. hell I buy the stuff so he can do it

 

Cook and Clean :lmao: :lmao:

 

well not now...... remember I am off for 5 days.. but hummm yep, we share cooking, he likes to cook...... he does clean....but I have not seen him clean the bathroom in over a year..he did before the wedding... a year ago ... right now there is a stack of dishes in the sink (we have a dishwasher but out of soap) He used to be a neat and clean guy.......his bath towel is on the floor in the bath now.... I think he left some underwear on the bedroom floor too...... I pick that up.

 

cook and clean...... hummmm ..... does mowing at least the 5 acres of land count for anything?..... moving 800lb bales of hay by myself count for anything? digging post holes by hand and with an auger..... or maybe stretching fences....... ummmmm stacking wood...... ummmm... cook and clean ...... what do I do around here :lmao: getting his tractor tires fixed....... trimming his horses hooves...... :lmao:

 

shoot and I expected a birthday card.... shame the F on me!

 

Does he expect me to do all this...... he must cause he ain't doing it, even if I nicely ask and don't nag. and nobody else lives here so............he must expect me to do it

[JamesM]

Hmmmm, a4a, I can't help but notice that everything in your relationship sounds like "I" or "him." Where is the "we" or "us?" You have a list of things he must do so that he shows that he loves you...yes?

 

I have no doubt that he "knows" he is being justly punished. I am sure he has heard a litany of his many failings. Does he feel that he can fulfil the requirements of that list to your satisfaction?

 

What do you think happened that caused him to quit putting his fair share into the relationship...or the fair share as you need/see/want it?

 

My own dad did so much for my father that she didn't recognize. She complained how much he didn't do. Funny thing...he too, is known for all f the things he is willing to do for others. And interestingly enough, he didn't sit as much as she thought. What it came down to was that she didn't see hime doing the list of things that she prepared for him. Yet the many things that he did do were just as important for them and others.

 

That was meant to be constructive...certainly not insulting or uncaring.

[Guest]

cook and clean...... hummmm ..... does mowing at least the 5 acres of land count for anything?..... moving 800lb bales of hay by myself count for anything? digging post holes by hand and with an auger..... or maybe stretching fences....... ummmmm stacking wood...... ummmm... cook and clean ...... what do I do around here getting his tractor tires fixed....... trimming his horses hooves......

 

 

You should be given a medal really. Awesome of you to do all that you do. Maybe you will realize he is selfish or has become selfish, and chances are hes probably not gonna change a whole lot. He could sure, but he would have to really want too. I mean if you do all that you do, and he can't even get you a card or something...yeah theres a problem there. Its called, I'm selfish and i'm in it for the money and free ride, and personally I don't care who stares at your boobies because I'm using you and know how to work you syndrome.

[a4a]

a4a,

you said he quit his job. Is this the job with the fat cow wife who wouldn't pay the empolyees check?

 

 

no the cows husband needed him so asked him to come back to work with him.... in the meantime he applied for 3 jobs.......oooops sorry I sent out those 3 resumes with his approval.......then I quit trying to help because nothing was good enough for him out there...... oh he did go out one day and drove to about 3 places looking for a job..... yep......granted the money could not compare to what he was making.....but still.....

 

There partnership blew up......personal issues between the cow and her H really got between them.......drama queen..... I stole her one sided EA man I think (that is amazing in itself)..... but she is still causing drama just not with my H is all.

 

this all happend about 3 months after we got married..... I so think once we got married he thought I would just take care of everything..... I mean everything.

 

and until just a short while ago..... I did not even notice.... thought it was just a phase.

[hotgurl]

no the cows husband needed him so asked him to come back to work with him.... in the meantime he applied for 3 jobs.......oooops sorry I sent out those 3 resumes with his approval.......then I quit trying to help because nothing was good enough for him out there...... oh he did go out one day and drove to about 3 places looking for a job..... yep......granted the money could not compare to what he was making.....but still.....

 

There partnership blew up......personal issues between the cow and her H really got between them.......drama queen..... I stole her one sided EA man I think (that is amazing in itself)..... but she is still causing drama just not with my H is all.

 

this all happend about 3 months after we got married..... I so think once we got married he thought I would just take care of everything..... I mean everything.

 

and until just a short while ago..... I did not even notice.... thought it was just a phase.

 

 

So does he want to start his own business or work for someone else? I never understood how someone could not work or be ok with not providing for their family. So what does he do all day?

[Moose]

Look at your last post a4a:

If your husband stopped being able to afford your house and relied on you to pay for it, if he did so just because he was not putting effort into trying....what would you do...... tell him you love him and try to get him to go to work by offering him bj's if he does.....

Probably not, but really, threatening to walk out the, "GD", door will make it ALL friggin' better.....now wouldn't it? He's not able to afford it, RIGHT NOW.....doesn't mean something isn't in the works, or that something will come along eventually.....

I own my own business that required money to stay in it. He is draining my business money..... he is draining our future as well. I have a new house getting ready to be built for resale...... with the money I have worked for and am still working for...... he won't even lift a finger to help with the project or offer moral support. All of my mine goes to him......not to me.... I buy him things.......he does not buy me ****. I don't spend a friggin dime on myself because I need everything to get our future straight. I invested my money 5 years ago in property..... I don't have a stitch of debt but a mort. and a truck payment.

Allotta I's.

 

Funny, most of the time, it's the husband who does all of the above, and it's usually the wife explaining to the husband, it's OURS, not mine, not yours, OURS.

 

YOU'RE MARRIED, it's not YOUR business, or YOUR house, or YOUR money....and this isn't based on my religious beliefs.....you go and ask ANY secular court in this great UNITED STATES of ours.....

His fruckin reward is that I don't walk out the GD door.

that is his reward.

It's a good thing you have that much confidence in yourself.

 

Personally, Mrs. Moose could be a 22 on a scale of 10, but if she ever said that to me, I'd walk her straight to the door, and shove her ass out!

[Becoming]

correct.... not one word.... not "Sir please allow us to see the paperwork so we can determine if my wife needs to go to the hospital for rabies vaccines or not"...... nada! (btw I had the dogs quarentined for 10 days they did not have their rabies vacs, it took 2 vets and MPs holding M-16s on these dogs to tranq and transport them..... these were highly vicious dogs)

 

 

 

You know this haunts me. And having men hit on me right in front of him without reaction from him brings this back up as well. I asked, he said he just did not really think..... his same answer... I don't know why I did or did not do something comes up...... but you know I asked him a few days ago about it again... got the I don't know from him.... I am going to share this again with him tonight..... tell him exactly how it made me feel in detail, I have in short terms.... he hurt me, I was shocked that he did nothing.... but detail will be given......maybe in the future he will think and act?

 

 

 

well towards the end I just walked away and went to our team and asked if anyone could handle the situation for me as I lost my cool....... nada... my good friend and mentor stepped up to the plate.... authority was called in and after about 2 hours it was solved. Major ass kissing took place.... still have the lip marks on my butt

 

 

 

full partner with the same clout we all had.... we actually had and have an outstanding position with this whole situation. I have some training that others don't and I can go into "combat" so to speak

 

 

 

It makes me wonder what he would have done if it was his child or his friend in the same circumstances. I think he believes I will just take my lumps and just take care of it... he has no reason to. Makes me wonder what he would do if another person assaulted me...... or for that matter raped me. Trust issue.

 

oh the topper on this one..... we were only married for about 3 or 4 days when this happened :lmao: It was our honeymoon!!! :lmao: That is why he was along with me. That and we needed him.......but still :lmao:

 

 

This is really bad. NO ONE on your team stepped in to help, though you're BLEEDING? :eek:

 

My H has said to me in the past year that I project such a strong personality to everyone, including him, that it looks like I have everything under control so everyone just stands back and lets me handle things.

 

All the while, I'm thinking, "I'm dying here!" (Not really, but ya know)

 

I do the nice thing until it doesn't work and then I blow, too. I'm learning how to do both at the same time by nicely putting the boundaries down and by saying what it is I expect the other to do up front. When they don't do it, I do what I need to do to take care of myself.

 

Thing is, sometimes we want, and sometimes we need care, too. Why can't men see that just because we're strong doesn't mean they can't be, too? And that strong means caring for the wounded and standing up against those who hurt others.

[a4a]

Hmmmm, a4a, I can't help but notice that everything in your relationship sounds like "I" or "him." Where is the "we" or "us?" You have a list of things he must do so that he shows that he loves you...yes?

 

I have no doubt that he "knows" he is being justly punished. I am sure he has heard a litany of his many failings. Does he feel that he can fulfil the requirements of that list to your satisfaction?

 

What do you think happened that caused him to quit putting his fair share into the relationship...or the fair share as you need/see/want it?

 

My own dad did so much for my father that she didn't recognize. She complained how much he didn't do. Funny thing...he too, is known for all f the things he is willing to do for others. And interestingly enough, he didn't sit as much as she thought. What it came down to was that she didn't see hime doing the list of things that she prepared for him. Yet the many things that he did do were just as important for them and others.

 

That was meant to be constructive...certainly not insulting or uncaring.

 

I can make a list of things he does for me:

 

from time to time makes my coffee or a meal.....actually will bring it to me

a back rub

he picked flowers from the side of the road once

he will pitch in on cleaning if I say " I need your help or could you please"

he does take care of me if I am sick with the flu or something

he will pick me up cigarettes as he passes by the store on his way home

he will pick me up a ice cream or candy bar while at the store were he gets gas at

he helped me dig out half the new fish pond I have really been begging for

he holds his dogs if I need him to when I clip them

he is great when other people come over....like when I hold camp here helps set that all up with me and rushes around to clean up and prep for it.

he will clean up and prep before guests arrive for any occasssion

he helped with the wedding...... very impressed by his thought and effort he was into it more than me.

he did dig the rock out of my brake pads (I did ask for a week tho)

he helps me deliver hay to the other farm

he helped me track 3 loose horses for 2 days straight

he digs in and helps on public volunteer jobs

he will go to the bank to deposit money if driving by

he took our dog to the vet for several weeks on his way to work....same route and picked the dog up on the way home.

he will pick up the 50lb bags of feed and put them in the bins if I ask him to

goes grocery shopping (he likes it I hate it) with me

he will clean up dishes or whatnot from time to time post dinner.

if the car broke down I am sure he would get me

 

I am sure I am forgetting somethings..........he really puts quite a bit of effort and thought into this place when other people are scheduled to visit with us.

hummmmm? like the wedding or when he swept off the porch when my friends stopped by the other night...... I did not have to ask..... he did it. I also handed him a lightbulb for the porch and he did change it..... I would have but is it really a screwy light..... and he is tall.......I am short.

 

Now do you want the list of things he tells me he is going to do but doesn't?

[a4a]

Look at your last post a4a:Probably not, but really, threatening to walk out the, "GD", door will make it ALL friggin' better.....now wouldn't it? He's not able to afford it, RIGHT NOW.....doesn't mean something isn't in the works, or that something will come along eventually.....Allotta I's.

 

Funny, most of the time, it's the husband who does all of the above, and it's usually the wife explaining to the husband, it's OURS, not mine, not yours, OURS.

 

YOU'RE MARRIED, it's not YOUR business, or YOUR house, or YOUR money....and this isn't based on my religious beliefs.....you go and ask ANY secular court in this great UNITED STATES of ours.....It's a good thing you have that much confidence in yourself.

 

Personally, Mrs. Moose could be a 22 on a scale of 10, but if she ever said that to me, I'd walk her straight to the door, and shove her ass out!

 

 

see Moose this is not new...... for crying out loud..... 8 months of this.

I did not just wake up yesterday and say F- U husband my way or the highway

 

I did the guy is upset needs some support, hold his hand.... make him feel good thing....... I did the honey can we talk thing....... I did the honey I need you to help me thing...... I did the why can't you thing..... I did the It is my fault thing.....

 

WTF...... how long how long is a person supposed to deal with this. More so when the person you are dealing with says " I know...... I am going to, I will, I want to,"

 

and he is not you..... and I give great credit to your wife I would never ever have tolerated a drunk in my life.....let alone a neglectful drunk an attentive drunk is much better

 

If you owned a business and your wife came and wiped out your business bank acct..... what would you do? Say oh well its our money she can do that.

 

There is a huge difference between grocery money, mort money and money in a business that I am soley responsible for...... now if he wanted to participate in helping to make more money for the business and invest it and build our future..... then yes......our money...... right now it isn't even MY MONEY..... it is for the business....... I don't spend it.... he does by not being responsible with his own decisions........so to preserve us and to keep us off the street and to keep this house from going under I alone have to find the money to do that.

 

See he is not the team player.....not me.

 

He is not making one effort to solve the problem......until yesterday.... he seems to think ED McMahon will show up with a check for him at the door I guess

 

I have offered to bail him out completely as well.......guess what?.... he says no.... hurts his pride. he would feel like more of a failure

 

 

 

we have a prenup...... so the court has nothing to do with nothing.... as a matter a fact.... maybe I need to really start adding up the amount of cash I am sinking into this place to make sure I get it back......something I have not done.

 

and like I told him......"if you do not like the way I am treating you and if you believe it is unfair we certainly can go our separate ways...... this is all in your hands now."

 

Moose guess what..... I will survive without him......and not worried about going to hell over it.

 

And if YOU like it not; my H agrees it is well deserved and overdue, he is actually surprised I did not throw a huge fit sooner........ or as my dear dear friend says about people.... "he is gettin' his come uppin's":lmao:

 

I so love her........ she says the funniest things.

 

and if I was your wife you probably would throw me out the door........but you would have a fork stuck in your head :lmao:

 

But I still don't see why you gravitate to fighting with me?.... you are not my H. Why do you care? For some reason I am hitting one of your buttons huh?