A mans pov on booby staring?

[littlekitty]

a4a... just to say I'm sorry things are working out this way for you. I hope that you can sort things out, or at least find happiness and peace again one way or the other.

 

Out of interest, how long did you guys date and then live together before marriage? Was it fairly rushed?

[a4a]

3 years as a couple 6-8ish months of just being friends before that.

1 official year of marriage......so about a total of 2.5 to 3 years before marriage.

 

I don't think the marriage paper has much to do with it..... keep in mind we are in our late thirties not kids, well at least I am not, been around the block.

[hotgurl]

3 years as a couple 6-8ish months of just being friends before that.

1 official year of marriage......so about a total of 2.5 to 3 years before marriage.

 

I don't think the marriage paper has much to do with it..... keep in mind we are in our late thirties not kids, well at least I am not, been around the block.

 

Wow I didn't know you guys have only been married a year. He really took a nose dive after marriage huh?

 

we've been together 5 years no marriage.

[quankanne]

am going out on a limb here, but what about a couples' retreat? Not counselling per se, but giving y'all a chance to sit down and see where you're coming from, and why. Might make day to day interaction – even the little things that drive you nuts – go more smoothly.

 

at this point, it might sound less threatening than "counselling," because I imagine he doesn't like thinking that he needs fixing, rather than seeing how all marriages benefit from stuff like that.

[a4a]

Wow I didn't know you guys have only been married a year. He really took a nose dive after marriage huh?

 

we've been together 5 years no marriage.

 

 

oh he did more than a nose dive.... he crashed.

 

Keeps saying "I don't know how I ended up like this"

 

Maybe once he got the title he did not care any more?

[a4a]

am going out on a limb here, but what about a couples' retreat? Not counselling per se, but giving y'all a chance to sit down and see where you're coming from, and why. Might make day to day interaction – even the little things that drive you nuts – go more smoothly.

 

at this point, it might sound less threatening than "counselling," because I imagine he doesn't like thinking that he needs fixing, rather than seeing how all marriages benefit from stuff like that.

 

 

If that involves any form of religious encounter we will both burst into flames.

 

flashing back to a minister we hired trying to tell me what my role in life should be as a wife......

 

We are very private people. He is not likely to participate in any group activity, nor am I really. I don't find it comfortable.

 

But thank you for the suggestion.

 

I suggested we take a form of marshall arts lessons and beat the **** out of each other in the back yard.....But I want to use a staff and throwing stars.

 

I brought up golf...... I have not played in years....

but none of this will happen and I am tired of initiating it and forcing him to do such things. We have 18 horses he won't even work on them with me.....his own horse... he will not learn to ride her.......says he wants to .......never does...

 

I don't think there is a solution I am so frustrated.

[hotgurl]

a4a juts curious was he the one who pushed for marriage?

[a4a]

am going out on a limb here, but what about a couples' retreat? Not counselling per se, but giving y'all a chance to sit down and see where you're coming from, and why. Might make day to day interaction – even the little things that drive you nuts – go more smoothly.

 

at this point, it might sound less threatening than "counselling," because I imagine he doesn't like thinking that he needs fixing, rather than seeing how all marriages benefit from stuff like that.

 

oh he knows he needs fixing...... we are way past the denial stage.

 

But he is not attempting to fix it. Maybe he will now since I have cut him off from any other choice but to do so.

 

sink or swim sucka!

[a4a]

a4a juts curious was he the one who pushed for marriage?

 

Well I refused to move in fulltime......sell my interests because I am not stupid. So I mentioned that I was not into "living together without a contract"

 

He signed the contract but then thought we should get married. Which I was totally against for most of our relationship...... but he swore, he promised, and silly me bought it.

 

It was 90% him and 10% me...... me wishful thinking and thinking....maybe I am wrong about marriage...... maybe it can be good and forever :lmao:

 

Lets just say the world was shocked that I said yes.... or that it would even happen. But it did make sense, legally, logically, and at the time emotionally.

[ThumbingMyWay]

have you ever thought that maybe he is in depression?

 

search for an online questionaire and see what comes up?

 

the "I dont know why" I do/dont the things I should answer leads me to maybe he just CANT help himself????

[a4a]

have you ever thought that maybe he is in depression?

 

search for an online questionaire and see what comes up?

 

the "I dont know why" I do/dont the things I should answer leads me to maybe he just CANT help himself????

 

 

I did ask him to do that..... he did not fit it. Some of it but I think the answer was: you may be suffering from depression. Of course he could have lied on it.

 

He does certainly not sit around and mope, not in a funk, active not morbid in any way....... so I can see how he may not fit into the normal questions perhaps.... and the dr. he went to did not press the issue either.....

 

I think he got some weird flu thing that lasted about 2 months in late winter... sweats and such..... malaria. .... tests did not show anything tho.

or it could have been caffiene which he cut out and no longer had the symptoms either.

[Asafan]

We have 18 horses he won't even work on them with me.....his own horse... he will not learn to ride her.......says he wants to .......never does...

 

So lemme get this straight, he has a horse and won't ride it, says he wants to and never does? I am actually starting to (I want to say hate but I will refrain) extremely dislike your hubbie a4. That's just stupid:mad: I can't even imaging being lucky enough to have horses and not learn to ride them. :mad:

[a4a]

So lemme get this straight, he has a horse and won't ride it, says he wants to and never does? I am actually starting to (I want to say hate but I will refrain) extremely dislike your hubbie a4. That's just stupid:mad: I can't even imaging being lucky enough to have horses and not learn to ride them. :mad:

 

I feel like his horse.... just out there..... a thing.... neglected by him. I have said this as well to him.

 

I have actually told him to find her a good home so she can get attention. His horse is how we met and became friends. He got that horse from me.

 

But as soon as people are over he will be all proud of his horse. In the meantime my beauty is 50 miles away. I see him every other day. But he is not here because I cannot get the H to really help me get him here. (long story but I cannot move my horse here until I get the beast from hell moved that is his pasture mate.....a giant killer horse)

 

I may go out today and ride his horse......make her mine.

Something I did not dare do because it is like taking over a child or hell for that matter sleeping with another mans wife.... you do not intrude between a true horse person and their special horse. Never.

 

I have other ones here tho that are just hanging out.......you wanna go riding?

[Moose]

If that involves any form of religious encounter we will both burst into flames.

 

flashing back to a minister we hired trying to tell me what my role in life should be as a wife......

And based SOULY on this comment, I have to say, you're doomed.

 

IMO might as well go to the court house now, and file.

 

I'm surprised you didn't, burst into flames at your wedding.

 

Nobody on this entire site is going to be able to tell you what you want to hear. You've already abandoned all hope, and really didn't have a chance to begin with.

 

Shouldn't of even gotten married honestly.

[a4a]

And based SOULY on this comment, I have to say, you're doomed.

 

IMO might as well go to the court house now, and file.

 

I'm surprised you didn't, burst into flames at your wedding.

 

Nobody on this entire site is going to be able to tell you what you want to hear. You've already abandoned all hope, and really didn't have a chance to begin with.

 

Shouldn't of even gotten married honestly.

 

You are indeed a narrow minded man..... because we do not believe in your god we are doomed? :lmao:

 

How dare you...... how dare you claim to walk in the path of a loving compassionate god..... you are far worse than my husband could ever be. This action you take with your words comes from arrogance, fear, and total disregard for another human. In this case me.

 

One thing I can say about my husband he is not a hypocrite. Nor am I.

 

How christian is your advice here.....? how helpful is it.....?

I in my non religious thinking hope that you can learn to accept and tolerate those that may not share your narrow views. I hope you can learn to love and respect those that are indeed not cut from your same mold.

 

You right now are representing the exact reason why people turn away from religion regardless of their belief in god or not. They turn away from the hatred it breeds in the hearts of men, and the men that use it to spread hatred. Look for the smallest opening to wield the sword cloaked in the spirit of religion.

 

I am indeed attempting to solve this problem of mine. And I believe my husband is on the verge of attempting to solve it. But this offering you give to me is not in my best interest and a wise man would realize it is not in his best interest to do so either........ does your spewing of dislike of me make you more christian in some way? Or are you using religion based beliefs as a weapon to cause hurt to me and my attempt to heal?

 

My vows mean as much to me as yours do to you..... perhaps even more because I have no worry of doom or punishment from a god to force me to adhere to them. I do so completely of free will without fear of consquences.

 

However I will say that your post has made my marriage better as I realize another fine trait my husband possess that you do not. Compassion for others regardless if they have a different belief system...... he would never say your marriage is doomed based souly that it is based on a man and myth made up a thousand years or so ago......... interesting lesson here.

 

also it felt quite good to project my anger towards a different target..... thank you.

[RecordProducer]

Hey, a4a, you fool!

 

You have to learn a few things about men and aunt RP will teach ya right at this spot!

 

A man will never admit his weakness. Do you ever hear your hubby say

 

- "Oh, I didn't understand that, but now that you explained it to me, I do... I must be stupid"?

 

- "Then this guy really pissed me off, but I had no courage to say anything, I was afraid he would beat the crap out of me"?

 

- "He was really smarter and more educated than me and I felt threatened and embarrassed that I was not as good as him... and then he mentioned this famous write... ummm, I forget his name..."?

 

If you have then he certainly doesn't say things like this on a daily basis. So you expect him to say: "Yes, I acknowledged this guy's advances and thought he was rude to hit on my wife in front of me, but to tell you the truth, I chickened out and didn't know what to say. I felt like a coward on top of feeling like crap cuz a young, hot guy humiliated me in front of my wife. I wanted to break his nose for that, but I was afraid he would break mine!"

 

Instead he says: "Aha... yeah, I heard 'em ... so, what about it? ... nah ... why would I have any problem with that? :cool: "

 

Consider it a compliment that he is trying to leave an impression on you how cool and macho he is, although you're mistaking it for "Who gives a f*ck about the wife, they can have the fat bitch if they want, but who would want her?"

 

Men are lazy creatures - they don't bother unless they will benefit directly and immediately from their actions.

 

They are also cocky and victory-oriented. If they can't win - they don't play.

 

Thank god their egos don't take physical space, because we wouldn't have enough room to walk in the streets.

[a4a]

Hey, a4a, you fool!

 

You have to learn a few things about men and aunt RP will teach ya right at this spot!

 

A man will never admit his weakness. Do you ever hear your hubby say

 

- "Oh, I didn't understand that, but now that you explained it to me, I do... I must be stupid"? Yes actually he does admit his short comings in certain instances Such as in his handling of horses in general he states, I am new to this and just learning.... I know you say relax but I cannot seem to do it.

- "Then this guy really pissed me off, but I had no courage to say anything, I was afraid he would beat the crap out of me"? Yeppers..... he is not stupid enough to go pick a fight with a huge guy or any guy for that matter as A) he will go to jail B) get the floor mopped with his own head C) cause major drama in the place where the disturbance would occur. He will be the first one to say any of those things, and I agree with him...... starting a huge fight in the middle of a volunteer project is not the way to go, but a simple "that is indeed my wife your talking to" Or Hey Honey hand me that hammer would have been enough hint for the guy to shut up.

 

- "He was really smarter and more educated than me and I felt threatened and embarrassed that I was not as good as him... and then he mentioned this famous write... ummm, I forget his name..."? He is able to know his short comings as I am..... he is quite humble and is not outwardly arrogant at all. Proud of his work, his home, and me.....but not at all cocky....one of the reasons I do love him.... not a stereotypical macho ass.

 

 

If you have then he certainly doesn't say things like this on a daily basis. So you expect him to say: "Yes, I acknowledged this guy's advances and thought he was rude to hit on my wife in front of me, but to tell you the truth, I chickened out and didn't know what to say. I felt like a coward on top of feeling like crap cuz a young, hot guy humiliated me in front of my wife. I wanted to break his nose for that, but I was afraid he would break mine!" He could have squished the big mouth youngster in one hand, he actually was working one on one with the guy..... I delegated to the volunteers..... he avoids conflict.

Instead he says: "Aha... yeah, I heard 'em ... so, what about it? ... nah ... why would I have any problem with that? :cool: "

 

Consider it a compliment that he is trying to leave an impression on you how cool and macho he is, although you're mistaking it for "Who gives a f*ck about the wife, they can have the fat bitch if they want, but who would want her?"

 

Men are lazy creatures - they don't bother unless they will benefit directly and immediately from their actions. I cannot agree that he is that type of man as he volunteers, gives to others without expectation of return quite a bit.

They are also cocky and victory-oriented. If they can't win - they don't play.

 

He is also not competitive.... never gets snitty over someones success, never gets the typical jealousy = must cut the other person down thing.

 

Thank god their egos don't take physical space, because we wouldn't have enough room to walk in the streets.

 

You see he is wonderful in so many ways, not typical, and that is why I am so frustrated. So many great qualities....... he lost his "need/desire" with me I guess. Which takes me back to the what did I do wrong cycle.

 

The man saved a dog last week...... he scoops turtles out of the road...... he helps strangers...... he helped two people learn english and become citizens gave them a home. So many more things I could list... so much good.... and I used to be in there too. I don't know what I did to deserve what I am getting now. He is very honorable. I do not know of one person that does not see him as a good person overall. (except me right now )

[Moose]

You are indeed a narrow minded man..... because we do not believe in your god we are doomed? :lmao:

Look, if you refuse to understand what a MAN and a WIFE's role actually is, (even after PAYING someone to expalin), that's a sure sign of failure, I didn't say ANYTHING about God, did I??

How dare you...... how dare you claim to walk in the path of a loving compassionate god..... you are far worse than my husband could ever be. This action you take with your words comes from arrogance, fear, and total disregard for another human. In this case me.

I don't disregard you a4a.....I'm stating simple facts. Nobody has been able to give you any advice without you saying, "I've done that, doesn't work, I've tried that, won't fly".....maybe not the exact words, but the fact remains, nothing can be said that you'll take to heart.

 

I said what I did based on your posts. You've given up. You even told us you got married practically against your will. I'm just stating the facts you've presented to us. And again, I didn't mention God, or religion at all!

does your spewing of dislike of me make you more christian in some way? Or are you using religion based beliefs as a weapon to cause hurt to me and my attempt to heal?

AGAIN, I don't dislike you, and my religious beliefs didn't have much bearing on what I said. It's clear you don't understand the concept of you role in marriage, and you refuse, CLEARLY refuse to understand it, or partake in it.

 

Instead, you prefer to spew negatives about your husband to strangers to try to gain favor on your side.

 

Your upset because I won't go there with you, I'll just tell you what I see whether you like it or not.

 

If it helps, great, if not, oh well.....

 

RP has some good points about male behaviour that you can try.....but alas, I stick to my guns in saying unless you humble yourself, discover more of what a wife should be, and how she should act in these situations, your marriage doesn't have much of a chance......

 

Edit: I also wanted to add, that this could just be a phase. Men do have mood swings and cycles, it could all blow over, and you may be seeing way too much into this......

[alphamale]

Edit: I also wanted to add, that this could just be a phase. Men do have mood swings and cycles, it could all blow over, and you may be seeing way too much into this......

Hi MOOSE! Where've you been man?

[Mz. Pixie]

A- instead of making excuses for why he won't go- what I'm saying is make it a condition of your staying.

 

As in- "Honey, I dont' believe that I always do everything right, but now I believe that we both need counseling to move forward in our issues. I feel that I need to assert myself that if we do not obtain counseling then I'm going to have to ask for a separation. I'm not prepared or equipped to live the rest of my life with a man who will not make an attempt to change or to treat me better"

 

This is his way of showing he will step up to the plate and do whatever necessary it takes to change the marriage.

 

Counseling is very private- the dr's are bound by law not to repeat what they are told.

 

You need to make it a condition of you staying. He wants you to stay- he goes to counseling. Pretty simple I'd say.

 

Be prepared to pack because he may refuse. But I bet he'll change his mind once you draw the line in the sand and stick with it.

[a4a]

Look, if you refuse to understand what a MAN and a WIFE's role actually is, (even after PAYING someone to expalin), that's a sure sign of failure, I didn't say ANYTHING about God, did I??I don't disregard you a4a.....I'm stating simple facts. Nobody has been able to give you any advice without you saying, "I've done that, doesn't work, I've tried that, won't fly".....maybe not the exact words, but the fact remains, nothing can be said that you'll take to heart.

 

..

 

ahhhh man and wife? or husband and wife?

 

We did not pay him to explain anything far from it, we needed a person who was capable of making our marriage legal..... he was the only person we could find that did not require a church membership and would travel to a wedding site... nor was one word of god or religion spoken in our ceremony..... he attempted to cram his views down our throats when meeting him... we made it clear that we wanted no part of that....... thus he did as we requested, kept his views to himself, and was paid well to do so.

 

No Your SOULY comment was your religious sword tip Moose.... really now....come on..... admit it I can see the fire and brimstone between the lines......so can others.

 

and if you really read things you would see that I have not quit...... if I did I would not be here at this moment. I would have moved out. I would have quit 8 months ago...... I would have left at the first bump in the road.

 

I was not married against my will..... I refused to live with him without a contract.. he wanted to get married I feared it would complicate things. I also knew that if I did get married that means I had to take those vows made to him with the utmost seriousness.... my word is my word. And it still is obviously. I am beating myself to a pulp here...... my self esteem is shot.... my life is blown to hell....... I am trying to cope and figure this out... and damn if I did not run down every obvious answer out there already. Otter has indeed come the closest to things so far..........

 

And if I need to vent to strangers......well so what.... I could run around town saying my H is a big Ass..... or tell my friends...... or his friends.... or his family.... but no I have way way too much respect and smarts to do that.

Maybe I should just shut up and have an affair? Get my good feelings elsewhere? Hide...... yep hide avoid conflict..... throw away any happiness, be a martyr..... life is too short.

 

 

What is my role then? Tell me.

I can tell you this my husbands ideal role for me is far from your ideal role...... he would tell you that himself....same as he told the minister. Which is funny as he had no problem setting him straight....... but cat callers he does

[a4a]

A- instead of making excuses for why he won't go- what I'm saying is make it a condition of your staying.

 

As in- "Honey, I dont' believe that I always do everything right, but now I believe that we both need counseling to move forward in our issues. I feel that I need to assert myself that if we do not obtain counseling then I'm going to have to ask for a separation. I'm not prepared or equipped to live the rest of my life with a man who will not make an attempt to change or to treat me better"

 

This is his way of showing he will step up to the plate and do whatever necessary it takes to change the marriage.

 

Counseling is very private- the dr's are bound by law not to repeat what they are told.

 

You need to make it a condition of you staying. He wants you to stay- he goes to counseling. Pretty simple I'd say.

 

Be prepared to pack because he may refuse. But I bet he'll change his mind once you draw the line in the sand and stick with it.

 

 

We discussed it in depth last night. I honestly believe him when he says he could not open up to a stranger at all. Hell he has not said a peep to his best buddy of 30 years about this. Not a peep. So I kinda believe him. And I understand what he is saying.

 

I asked him to again voice any thing he would like to see me change. He only stated that he would like me not to threaten to leave him until he has made a good effort to work this out. So if I did leave I would be blowing that back at him?

 

I really believe since I have basically gone off the deep end that his eyes are opening..... at the 11th hour. At least I hope this could be true. Or he is playing one hell of a game.....

 

In the meantime I need to figure out how to get rid of this resentment and anger towards him. I really have to figure out how to give him a fair chance.... one last fair chance....... tough because I have my heels dug in deep now. Holy smokes if he blows it he may really get a fork to the head.

 

The pressure is on me now as well. I have to stay clear of the little too little a little too late attitude or it will never work.

[RecordProducer]

OK, I replied to your first post without reading the rest (I hate when people do that in my threads; remember the girl who told me "keep it" after the procedure was done? )

 

So I read all of your posts and as much as I do understand your point, I must admit I am slightly confused. If you're online and in the mood, I'd like you to write down all the things that your husband did or didn't do that you submit complaints about, that make you feel so miserable, that you would like to change, and you're ready to dump him for.

 

Please, facts only, like the dogs attack and the no-gifts-for-anniversaries complaint. Exclude the anger and imagine that you're a4a's lawyer.

 

(BTW, I hate that avatar of yours! )

[Moose]

ahhhh man and wife? or husband and wife?

Ummm, yes, husband and wife. My bad!

We did not pay him to explain anything far from it, we needed a person who was capable of making our marriage legal..... he was the only person we could find that did not require a church membership and would travel to a wedding site... nor was one word of god or religion spoken in our ceremony..... he attempted to cram his views down our throats when meeting him... we made it clear that we wanted no part of that....... thus he did as we requested, kept his views to himself, and was paid well to do so

I understand now. That makes more sense. I was under the impression that you didn't mind a religious ceremony.....

No Your SOULY comment was your religious sword tip Moose.... really now....come on..... admit it I can see the fire and brimstone between the lines......so can others.

Sorry, I'm just a dumb redneck hillbilly, I meant, Soley.....is that even spelled right?

What is my role then? Tell me.

OH no....I'm not going there. You wouldn't like what I had to say.

 

I do know this, he's lacking somewhere, and if you value this marriage, (sounds like to me you do), you'd find out and make it right.

 

The thing is, you may have to swallow some of your own pride. You come off as the leader of the house hold.

 

Out of curiousity, what would happen if he stood up to you?

[a4a]

OK, I replied to your first post without reading the rest (I hate when people do that in my threads; remember the girl who told me "keep it" after the procedure was done? )

 

So I read all of your posts and as much as I do understand your point, I must admit I am slightly confused. If you're online and in the mood, I'd like you to write down all the things that your husband did or didn't do that you submit complaints about, that make you feel so miserable, that you would like to change, and you're ready to dump him for.

 

Please, facts only, like the dogs attack and the no-gifts-for-anniversaries complaint. Exclude the anger and imagine that you're a4a's lawyer.

 

(BTW, I hate that avatar of yours! )

 

Why I could be here for a good long time...... and to simply write down that he forgot my birthday is not the whole story behind that incident. The fact is that he knew it was my b-day did not bother to do a thing but later said he was going to get me earrings......but just never got around to it.

 

Or V-day worked until 9 pm..... which is very odd, but managed to spend money on me buying super market flowers and a card signed in the drive.... after the previous year he told me how V-day was not important to him and he thinks it is silly and stupid. I got nothing btw.... and we argued/debated/talked and he said he understood that to me it is important but to him it is not......then a year later.. he does it. It being made worse when I said to him : don't waste money on flowers and a card please.... you know after our long talk that it would be like you just throwing it my face that you refuse to put effort into something I would really like....... then shows up with the flowers and the card at 9 pm.

 

The $26,000 truck that sits in the drive..... without any real attempt on his behalf to sell it. again long story attached to this which is more than just not attempting to sell the truck.

 

Him quitting his job for 2 months and without looking for a new one.

 

so to just make a list really would be quite long..... this lawyer of mine is going to hate all this testimony.. ... and perhaps some may seem irrelevant but it does all tie together.

 

When the **** hits the fan..... I fix it. Or I did. Financial problems..... I take care of it... we have to get a new roof.......so guess who will have to manage that..... I am responsible for virtually all aspects of our life now..... It did not used to be that way. And actually writing that sentences makes me realize how much pressure he has put on me...... and that makes me angry.