A mans pov on booby staring?

[a4a]

How was he different before you got married?

 

He was actually motivated to support and help me in endeavors. He was interested in participation in things that I liked..... he would go out to dinner with me without me asking .......it was arranged by him.

 

He did take more initiative.....

 

I think the newness wore off for him..... so like his horse that just sits there and is ignored so am I.

[Touche]

He was actually motivated to support and help me in endeavors. He was interested in participation in things that I liked..... he would go out to dinner with me without me asking .......it was arranged by him.

 

He did take more initiative.....

 

I think the newness wore off for him..... so like his horse that just sits there and is ignored so am I.

 

Yup, that means the honeymoon phase is over. Happens to all of us, A. I'm not saying that you're being unrealistic but maybe you just never really did see the real him...I don't know. I mean, my H is not exactly the same as when we were dating but he's not SO far off from what he was that it bothers me.

 

Maybe the money worries are just bothering him more than you think and he just can't put forth the effort into the marriage right now?

[a4a]

Yup, that means the honeymoon phase is over. Happens to all of us, A. I'm not saying that you're being unrealistic but maybe you just never really did see the real him...I don't know. I mean, my H is not exactly the same as when we were dating but he's not SO far off from what he was that it bothers me.

 

Maybe the money worries are just bothering him more than you think and he just can't put forth the effort into the marriage right now?

 

 

The honeymoon phase ended a month after we actually were married..... we lived together previous to that...... I did not change, he did.

 

If the money is bothering him..... it is going to bother him much more now that I have cut him off.

 

He had money problems when we met..... so that was not it......this is not a new thing for him. I cannot recall the times I bailed him out........but like I said there is a $26,000 truck sitting in the drive?????

[quankanne]

stupid question time, but why bother marrying him if you lived with him and things were on a downhill slide?

 

and are you positive that you didn't change as well as he did once y'all married?

[Touche]

Quank, I think A is saying that everything was fine when they were just living together...strange indeed.

 

Well, since you cut him off financially he may now finally be forced to sell the truck.

[a4a]

stupid question time, but why bother marrying him if you lived with him and things were on a downhill slide?

 

and are you positive that you didn't change as well as he did once y'all married?

 

It went downhill after we got married......not while living together.

 

The only thing or time I have changed was finally putting my foot down at this point and not being calm cool or collected while doing so.

 

I will admit that I did expect him to make good on his promises to me..... which he has not.

[a4a]

The H drove directly to my other farm to check on things post work........ because me telling him I have had enough of running around and my refusal to do so.

 

So chatting on the cell this eve, for the first time ever he took on full responsibility for treating me so crappy. Without using any excuses. Could be a step in the right direction or could be a stalling tactic?

 

This whole thing is making me quite insane. I feel the need to go weave baskets or do some crafting with safety sissors and paste.

 

How the hell did he break me down to this point...... must be one hell of a guy to have that effect on me.

 

I asked him if he were in my shoes what would he do?

He stated he would "stab me in the eye with a fork" :lmao:

 

wait and see I guess..........hummmmm...... wait more???

stupid stupid me.

[quankanne]

He stated he would "stab me in the eye with a fork"

 

:laugh: sounds like you're a huge influence the guy if he can pull that answer from the air!

 

ah, A, things get better even as they seem crappy. Relationships take a lot of work, because unlike little kids, you can't spank husbands or sit them in a corner (unless he's into that kind of stuff?). Maybe the telling him what you won't put up with or are tired of gives him a better sense of direction or something – I think maybe you're the type of person who doesn't ask anything of anyone that you don't ask of yourself, so when they don't respond in kind, it gets frustrating (something DH and I used to squabble over). Best advice I can give is that you've got to train them, even when it frustrates you to have to do so. Eventually, you stop having to ride herd on them because they've got the drill down.

 

look on the bright side: You've got a stiffy at your beck and call

[a4a]

he must be attempting the serious ass kissing....... he is now at my X's watering the plants for me....... :eek:

[Mz. Pixie]

Do not buckle just yet A.

 

Especially on the money issue. He needs to be a financial contributor to this marriage.

 

While he's trying to kiss some ass tell him a condition of you staying is that you guys get some counseling.

[a4a]

Do not buckle just yet A.

 

Especially on the money issue. He needs to be a financial contributor to this marriage.

 

While he's trying to kiss some ass tell him a condition of you staying is that you guys get some counseling.

 

I did this..... he won't.

and I don't think it will really help as he is not willing to spout off to some stranger. So it really would be pointless, though I have not said this. He states he is aware that he treats me poorly, he said I am right he is a 40 year old loser (in one of my anger bouts this slipped).......he knows he has changed from the caring guy he once was....... and he knows I blamed myself for it. I did, but not any more. It took me 8 months to realize this one is not my fault.... my actions did not create his reactions.

 

 

and you know I can watch and see his meter. I see him go from on edge and attempting to do something about it right back to where he started.

 

One step forward though. He agrees that he is abusive to me in a strange manner..... I cannot put my finger on it. But it is some weird form of abuse.

I am still scratching my head trying to put a finger on it.

 

as for the money...... he just bounced a check...... I am not going to run down and cover it before it goes boing boing.... this was his decision, his action and he can deal with it. No longer enabling his stupidity and lack of effort and planning.

 

except for the gas incident last night in the why do men do what they do thread. I rescued him..... but I did not want my truck sitting on the side of the road.

 

What sucks is that he really is an intelligent, good person, good hearted, kind, caring, and good looking to boot....... and I tell him this as well.

[JackJack]

"he is aware that he treats me poorly."

 

But yet he does notthing about it. Maybe he is depressed? How about a medical doc? Would he go see a doc and talk about depression? Not a counselor really since you said he wouldn't, but a regular doctor someone that might could help him if infact he is struggling with some kind of depression?

[a4a]

"he is aware that he treats me poorly."

 

But yet he does notthing about it. Maybe he is depressed? How about a medical doc? Would he go see a doc and talk about depression? Not a counselor really since you said he wouldn't, but a regular doctor someone that might could help him if infact he is struggling with some kind of depression?

 

He did go during march I believe, cannot remember the date exactly...... nothing was found.

 

blood work, sugar levels.... you name it. nada. The doctor did not mention or hit on depression even tho the H did mention he was feeling very tired and forgetful at times...... mainly when not eating in a timely manner.... which is true. (so eat dumbass my solution to the problem )

 

I think he is indeed having a pity party for himself. I can no longer be responsible for his illness if he is depressed. May sound cruel but it is like trying to hide booze on a drunk.... if they do not want to quit you cannot force them to.

 

He needs a jarring event to smack him into reality..... I think he is starting to become aware that I did indeed quit allowing him to rely on me and blame me in his own way for his problems.

 

I have to take care of me now. Not much left in me ......time to recharge the batteries ya know.

[Asafan]

Wow. I had no idea it was this bad a4. I'm genuinely sorry to hear that you are going though this. And apparently even he thinks his behavior is bizarre! It doesn't make sense.

[hotgurl]

a4a,

I just finished your thread. Wow he sounds like he does need a forking. Just take care of yourself. He needs to worry about him not you.

 

How are you holding up?

[blind_otter]

hey a, I just read the whole thread. I had no idea. You do project a strong, no nonsense personality. But my mom is like that, too, and I know how she's a softie inside and just doesn't want anyone to be able to touch that vulnerable spot.

 

I hope things get better. He seems to be making an effort, but everyone does when they know they're being taken to task. The real effort, I think, comes afterwards. He really needs to be motivated to explore his choices and reactions as much as you are. "I don't know" is not good enough any more.

[a4a]

Wow. I had no idea it was this bad a4. I'm genuinely sorry to hear that you are going though this. And apparently even he thinks his behavior is bizarre! It doesn't make sense.

 

To be serious for a short moment.....

it is bad. it is hell......... and I cannot share this with others. It would be like finding the friggin General crying in the latrine while commanding troops during the war.

 

stability is of the utmost importance. almost super human emotional strength is needed in my position. Which is ok 99% of the time. Anger is allowed if contained properly...... thus my smartass wit. ( I know my issues and my processing system)

 

LS is the latrine in which I cry........ :lmao:

 

I have taken a week off from work...... to recharge. So I plan on going through quite a bit of toilet paper and getting all my **** out this week here in the latrine.

 

His behavior is bizarre..... it is like someone who gets burned by fire but continues to keep poking his hand in the fire.

 

(disclaimer : because of my smartass joking nature I refer to LS as a latrine, but I do enjoy and hold the creators and posters of this forum in the highest regard)

[a4a]

hey a, I just read the whole thread. I had no idea. You do project a strong, no nonsense personality. But my mom is like that, too, and I know how she's a softie inside and just doesn't want anyone to be able to touch that vulnerable spot.

 

I hope things get better. He seems to be making an effort, but everyone does when they know they're being taken to task. The real effort, I think, comes afterwards. He really needs to be motivated to explore his choices and reactions as much as you are. "I don't know" is not good enough any more.

 

 

oh bless you Otter........how the hell did you read the entire thread?

 

But I have divulged my soft interior to him long ago..... without it he never would have been attracted to me... I am a survivor yes, but he knows my interior quite well. He is one of the few people in my life at this time that does. And he is pooping all over me. I am very selective about who is allowed to share my life..... not work or my "hey whats up party life".....he knows this. I do not hide with him, never had to. But the General is starting to come out now...... I have no choice..... survival mode.. and yes I have told him this point blank.

 

Again I make it clear that he is not a beast...... but he is really screwing up.

 

Funny we were chatting about making a sign a sort of crests of sorts to represent ourselves (weird but we have weird conversations)..... we decided mine would be of a warrior with a sword in one hand and in the other arm a lamb being held firmly and softly from harms way...... don't get me wrong tho if the lamb bites me I will whack its head off with the sword

[JackJack]

To be serious for a short moment.....

it is bad. it is hell......... and I cannot share this with others. It would be like finding the friggin General crying in the latrine while commanding troops during the war.

 

stability is of the utmost importance. almost super human emotional strength is needed in my position. Which is ok 99% of the time. Anger is allowed if contained properly...... thus my smartass wit. ( I know my issues and my processing system)

 

LS is the latrine in which I cry........ :lmao:

 

I have taken a week off from work...... to recharge. So I plan on going through quite a bit of toilet paper and getting all my **** out this week here in the latrine.

 

 

 

His behavior is bizarre..... it is like someone who gets burned by fire but continues to keep poking his hand in the fire.

 

(disclaimer : because of my smartass joking nature I refer to LS as a latrine, but I do enjoy and hold the creators and posters of this forum in the highest regard)

 

 

Ok all seriousnesss here. Have you cried infront of him? I mean really balled? Let your feelings all out? Maybe he needs to see this side of you if he hasn't before. I'm not saying it will make a difference or not, but maybe he doesn't realize the extent of your hurt?

[a4a]

Ok all seriousnesss here. Have you cried infront of him? I mean really balled? Let your feelings all out? Maybe he needs to see this side of you if he hasn't before. I'm not saying it will make a difference or not, but maybe he doesn't realize the extent of your hurt?

 

 

Sure for several days in a row. Even on the phone in regards to this situation.

In the past on occassions.

Death of a personal pet.

 

I don't walk about like a zombie with him. He is not at my work.

I do not need to keep my feelings or emotions in check around him. I do attempt to communicate with him in a way that he understands though. Not yelling or screaming until I am pushed so far over the edge like the last couple of weeks. I do reach a breaking point. He on the other hand would never call me a name or even think about raising a finger to harm me...... I do spew some pretty nasty things .......some are friggin hilarious tho....we will just bust up laughing after a fight. I do try to keep that in check..... but man it is hard at times. A fault I totally take responsibility for and apologize or refrain from.

 

Are you retarded? is one of my spewage favorites.

 

but imagine dealing with this for this long..... even Mother Teresa would lose her cool on his ass.

 

Keep in mind he is often told how wonderful he is.... in many ways as well.

This is not due to lack of communication on my part..... perhaps I need to draw pictures for him?

[blind_otter]

oh bless you Otter........how the hell did you read the entire thread?

 

But I have divulged my soft interior to him long ago..... without it he never would have been attracted to me... I am a survivor yes, but he knows my interior quite well. He is one of the few people in my life at this time that does. And he is pooping all over me. I am very selective about who is allowed to share my life..... not work or my "hey whats up party life".....he knows this. I do not hide with him, never had to. But the General is starting to come out now...... I have no choice..... survival mode.. and yes I have told him this point blank.

 

He's not a beast. But I can see why you're upset. If you have a hard time opening up and sharing that part, that chewy nougat center of a4a, then when you do allow someone access to the nougat, you would hope they would take good care of said nougat. Or at least relish it and savor the flavor.

 

I know how that feels. And the worst part is that most of the time they don't realize what a gift it is, they might intellectualize that it's a gift -- but not really know how to handle it.

 

OTOH maybe he was more motivated in the past and has lost his motivation. maybe he feels like less of a man because you're so capable, but he can't even allow himself to realize that.

 

I do know men like to be needed. And they respond to specific, overt elicitation of need.

[Outcast]

Haven't read the whole thing yet, but it just seems a4a that you are always finding small reasons to be very angry with him. He said he didn't mind it when the guy made remarks because 'you're all his'. It may be skewed because it wasn't the reply YOU thought was appropriate but it showed that he thinks you're great.

 

You have to let go and let him love you in his way. It doesn't work to keep insisting that someone jump through every hoop you set up in order to prove they care.

 

You're sooooo much in control of everything in your life - and I think that's causing you no end of trouble because you have your ideas of exactly how things should be and get terribly disappointed when they're not.

 

Try Albert Ellis. Really.

[a4a]

He's not a beast. But I can see why you're upset. If you have a hard time opening up and sharing that part, that chewy nougat center of a4a, then when you do allow someone access to the nougat, you would hope they would take good care of said nougat. Or at least relish it and savor the flavor.

 

I know how that feels. And the worst part is that most of the time they don't realize what a gift it is, they might intellectualize that it's a gift -- but not really know how to handle it.

 

OTOH maybe he was more motivated in the past and has lost his motivation. maybe he feels like less of a man because you're so capable, but he can't even allow himself to realize that.

 

I do know men like to be needed. And they respond to specific, overt elicitation of need.

 

He knows I do need him...... hell in every way.

I again think it all boils down to fear of failure, fear of eating crow......

pride, ego, control, power........

I am starting to wonder if he is not trying to exhibit his power and control in a deeply passive aggressive manner which is abusive in a odd way.

 

Like holding a steak in front of a dog having the dog sit for it "umm yummy yummy steak, you want the steak, I am going to give you the steak"......then at the last second taking the steak and tossing it back in the fridge to do it all over again the next day.

 

He did not deny this theory..... or that he is abusive to me in a odd way.

Then again at this point I think he is aware he has a problem and may agree to anyone telling him anything..... he has toad brain poisoning disease.

[blind_otter]

The biggest concern is that he lacks insight into his choices. Like he's just an automaton walking around reacting to things around him instead of acting independently. You know?

 

If you don't know why you do something, how on earth can you change the behavior?

[a4a]

The biggest concern is that he lacks insight into his choices. Like he's just an automaton walking around reacting to things around him instead of acting independently. You know?

 

If you don't know why you do something, how on earth can you change the behavior?

 

 

This is the 2 million dollar question....... his constant answer is I don't know why I do it.........

 

I think he does tho. I think he has self sabotage issues, fear of failure, and is a perfectionist.........which boils down again to pride..... oh he is a prideful thing.