Mz. Pixie Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 I just read your post to Becoming and I thought I'd comment on the money..... $40,000- not alot by today's standards to get in debt. Don't want it myself but there are people who are worse off. If he's so dang depressed about it and it's affecting his marriage he needs to do something about it. He has money for the stuff he wants though- just not for what you want it appears. He could file for bankruptcy and start over fresh- which he should do- if this is the main problem that's causing him to neglect his marriage. He could get another job and earn some extra income to pay off the debts quicker. He could sell that damn truck and pay off part of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 The person who made the comment that you find fault with everything because it doesn't meet your standards has a point – the posters are in their own limited way trying to help, but because you're extremely frustrated by what's going on, you appear to be shooting down anyone who doesn't tell you what you want to hear. Which in turn is frustrating, because a lack of communication/connection leaves us not knowing what you actually want. Much like how your husband could be feeling. 1. even though we joke about the "mommying," sitting him down and laying it out isn't really such a bad thing, because your expectations are clear. It's much easier than having to cope with someone who thinks you put out mere suggestions. It's less about training (though we refer to it that way) as setting ground rules he cannot say he's not aware of. 2. counselling doesn't sound attractive*– I think it'd be pretty dang hard to do, too – but a set up with someone else overseeing the work you're doing on your marriage (at least initially) allows for a "safe," constructive environment instead of hashing crap over and over because one person just doesn't get it and the other is ready to kill. 3. the whole mother thing is an aspect to think about. Not that she's dead or how much he loves or misses her, but in how his parents provided a role model for marriage. People base their relationships on what they saw growing up, and if his dad never remarried, your husband never really got an idea of the dynamics of a marital relationship. Which I think would be much, much harder to work with than say abuse or addiction, because what would that person have to base their view upon? Point being just because your desire is not mine does not make mine to be of a higher expectation or lower expectation than yours... it is mine. Exactly. Where there's good communication at work, the other party understands that. And we're trying to offer tried and true help to see you achieve that. I gotta say you are kinda treating me like a retard. See this is why I shoot it down and it is not a cut to the help offered...that is appreciated..been there done that. Has your car never not started and you have people telling you to try what you already did..." is it out of gas? do the lights work? because the battery might be dead"....... and you have already done those things but because their car did this or that one time they are sure that is the problem......"it has to be the alternator.... yep.... don't deny it is the alternator......the brushes went bad in mine.... I had a 2 door sedan too.." but it seems as tho the cause has been found..... and it seems as tho thing are on the mend like I have posted about 4 times now......but still people are screaming therapy...... dump him..... run.... I will take into account that he may be full of **** and lying his ass off to me..... but odds are he is not....... I am good for him, he is good for me..... or was....and we shall see...... If he lied I will leave. The problem is my anger because of this, but I see it, aware of it, and need to work on how to get it out ......not hide it and not let it grow. He lied to me basically and that is a form of betrayl in my mind. So trust is a little shot....... now if I can get over that and he actually fixes his problems.... we have no real problem. right? but: 1. my expectations were clearly laid out before we ever got married... still are and many are fulfilled.... no cheating, no lies, no BS... we both laid those out with deep discussions.... He is not fulfilling my desire to show me that he cares in a way which I would like......... again I did and have stated this.....now he knows he really screwed this up.....I guess he is slow. 2. from his point of view.... a shrink is for weak minded people that cannot solve their own problems or that are too stupid to figure things out........ So what can you say to that? He is entitled to his views and with that sort of thought on shrinks it could not help regardless.... I am not all that much in favor of them either..... I think many mole hills are made into mountains....common sense makes more sense to both of us. 3. we did and have discussed this in depth... keep in mind that he has not always treated me in this way. again see the post about the $. He did have a very nice father with a very nice gf ..... believe me even without a mother he certainly learned to respect and care for women. Probably more than many with mothers. We do communicate..... I can tell you exactly where he was in his house when his father died, I can tell you exactly how he was told how his mother died. I can tell you about why he does not like his sister, I can tell you about what he feels about not having a mom, or when his mom drove off the road while ill....... I can tell you that he hates it when I pinch his nipples and which way he likes the toilet paper..... he can tell you what and how I would like him to treat me..I can tell you how he wants to be treated. communication is good. It is not a matter of rejecting of the thoughts of others but finding what fits the actual situation. square peg round hole won't work. Like going down a preflight check list. or like I said figuring out why a car will not start. This is more like a bad wiring harness in a car.... Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 OK well I have read some replies not all...since I'm not feeling well today. Major headache from surgery I had the other day. Anyway, you say things are on the mend or seem to be, thats great! I really hope things work out for you all. However, was it mentioned what it was that was making him feel or act the way he was? I'm sorry if it was already mentioned, but like I said not following to well right now, with not feeling well and all. Just checking in on ya. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 I just read your post to Becoming and I thought I'd comment on the money..... $40,000- not alot by today's standards to get in debt. Don't want it myself but there are people who are worse off. I agree.... ain't much money at all.... but again this is the first time in his life this has happened. If he's so dang depressed about it and it's affecting his marriage he needs to do something about it. Exactly..... told him to shut the F up and do something about it myself. Or watch it get worse and watch me leave. He has money for the stuff he wants though- just not for what you want it appears. He does not splurge on himself as he did. Dropping thousands at a pop for fun. I do not want that for myself..... I would be pissed if he did that regardless of his financial situation. It is that he does not put effort into it.... like I said a fish stick with a candle (maybe a happy naked dance by him) would work for me. I have many financial obligations more than he did but still planned enough ahead of time to get him b-day gifts, v-day, .......... not cheap trinkets. And made sure he felt special on important days...... except v-day..... still got gifts but I was pissed. He could file for bankruptcy and start over fresh- which he should do- if this is the main problem that's causing him to neglect his marriage. BK laws have changed quite a bit the debt it not outrageous if he was smart. I often help people out with money manners, just one of those easy things for me...... credit repairing ...... he does not want me to take over his money. Nor do I really want to. He could get another job and earn some extra income to pay off the debts quicker. Yeppers had that chat this morn..... and I do believe I also lost my cool. He could sell that damn truck and pay off part of it. ahhh yeah...... I have actually listed it myself on several occassions, many people have looked but don't have the $.... he has not put much effort into selling it....... this is a huge factor in my anger. Or as I suggested get it back on the road and use it to make money with. doh.... ah retard hello! see why I am angry..... so simple.... easy..... but not one bit of effort. I seriously considered just blowing it up. It is in my way in the drive...... I will refrain from stabbing him in the head with a fork. I will refrain from stabbing him in the head with a fork. I will refrain from stabbing him in the head with a fork. Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 OK well I have read some replies not all...since I'm not feeling well today. Major headache from surgery I had the other day. Anyway, you say things are on the mend or seem to be, thats great! I really hope things work out for you all. However, was it mentioned what it was that was making him feel or act the way he was? I'm sorry if it was already mentioned, but like I said not following to well right now, with not feeling well and all. Just checking in on ya. Jade hope you are feeling better soon....... ! surgery... you ok? If I do not stab him we will work it out money and manly ego is his problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 Glad to hear things are on the mend anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 hope you are feeling better soon....... ! surgery... you ok? If I do not stab him we will work it out money and manly ego is his problem. Thanks. Yes had mouth surgery the other day. Only been on soups..puddings.... jello...yogurt....applesauce....shakes...etc for the past few days. Plus I quit smoking too....I'm a mess I tell ya!!! Can I borrow your fork? Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 Glad to hear things are on the mend anyways. starting perhaps?? Oct 31st is still the deadline. Then off to start that lesbian soap making commune! Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 Thanks. Yes had mouth surgery the other day. Only been on soups..puddings.... jello...yogurt....applesauce....shakes...etc for the past few days. Plus I quit smoking too....I'm a mess I tell ya!!! Can I borrow your fork? Jade ummmm pudding........ I will trade you a fork for some pudding. quit smoking...... :eek: They can pry the smoking butt from my cold dead hand....... Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 Now I think the majority of men will step up and say.....it all makes sense.Not this one.....in fact, the more I read, the more I wouldn't blame your husband if he were to tell you to stfu and get lost! Seriously......geeeeez....you may not be talking to him in the manner you're posting, but your attitude is LOUD and clear.....personally, I wouldn't put up with it at all..... You may make a great friend, and I can get along with just about anyone. But the way to post about your relationship, (and the attitude that's in it), it's no wonder why there are so many problems in your relationship...... Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 ummmm pudding........ I will trade you a fork for some pudding. quit smoking...... :eek: They can pry the smoking butt from my cold dead hand....... I agree. I smoked for 18 years...but I must say I can breathe better. But miss it like hell! Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 ummmm pudding........ I will trade you a fork for some pudding. quit smoking...... :eek: They can pry the smoking butt from my cold dead hand....... oh a4a I am disappointed! I might have to rethink joining the lesbian soap commune. I assume it would be smoke free. well unless your talking about anothjer kind of cig. Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 oh a4a I am disappointed! I might have to rethink joining the lesbian soap commune. I assume it would be smoke free. well unless your talking about anothjer kind of cig. I don't indulge in the other type......I may attempt to sneak a bit here or there tho...... Right now I think I would if it were here..... but no chocolate in the house so I couldn't. I prefer smokin' lesbians...... Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 I didn't mean my last post to sound like a personal attack.....I'm sure you're a great person.....but the attitude I'm seeing is sooo negative and ugly..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 I didn't mean my last post to sound like a personal attack.....I'm sure you're a great person.....but the attitude I'm seeing is sooo negative and ugly..... well sheesh..of course....how many times do I have to say I am angry.....and hurt... I know this...... aware...... obvious..... so yep negative and ugly comes from angry and hurt. but thanks for the support you just made me feel more angry and hurt Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 Not this one.....in fact, the more I read, the more I wouldn't blame your husband if he were to tell you to stfu and get lost! Seriously......geeeeez....you may not be talking to him in the manner you're posting, but your attitude is LOUD and clear.....personally, I wouldn't put up with it at all..... You may make a great friend, and I can get along with just about anyone. But the way to post about your relationship, (and the attitude that's in it), it's no wonder why there are so many problems in your relationship...... Again I missed you post somehow..... Again I do not fit your mold and you feel compelled to tell me I am negative and ugly because of it..... or in other words: less of a person. And your post was quite cruel and hurtful..... that being said with the utmost seriousness. Please refrain from posting to this thread if I upset you with my feelings and how I show them. I am working something out here.......not you. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 thanks for the point-by-point answers, A; those and the post about the financial thing affecting him the way it has makes a lot of sense about what you've been posting about y'alls problems. Though the comment about only a retard who doesn't get it needing counselling is a rather ironic and humorous statement! ah, men. Can't live with them, can't shoot 'em. Moose's blunt – if harsh – comment could prolly be representative of male thinking: the answer's simple, why harp on it, it only makes things worse (I have empirical, if personal, evidence of this). Which bounces back to the communication thing – until a couple can strip it down to the issue at hand, it doesn't seem like it's going to get solved. You know him best, you understand where he comes from, yet he's driving you into enough of a tizzy because he can't get your point. And maybe that's tied pretty deeply into the finance thing, but it's also a mannish quality: it's got to be short, sweet and to the point if you want it to be digested/comprehended well. :laugh: bad thought, but have you offered to turn the fork on him for being such a ... man? ah, A, you've got a shxt-potload of hugs from me this afternoon, men can be stubborn little donkeys. Take heart, though, because eventually, something connects and they get it. quank Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 thanks for the point-by-point answers, A; those and the post about the financial thing affecting him the way it has makes a lot of sense about what you've been posting about y'alls problems. Though the comment about only a retard who doesn't get it needing counselling is a rather ironic and humorous statement! ah, men. Can't live with them, can't shoot 'em. Moose's blunt – if harsh – comment could prolly be representative of male thinking: the answer's simple, why harp on it, it only makes things worse (I have empirical, if personal, evidence of this). Which bounces back to the communication thing – until a couple can strip it down to the issue at hand, it doesn't seem like it's going to get solved. You know him best, you understand where he comes from, yet he's driving you into enough of a tizzy because he can't get your point. And maybe that's tied pretty deeply into the finance thing, but it's also a mannish quality: it's got to be short, sweet and to the point if you want it to be digested/comprehended well. :laugh: bad thought, but have you offered to turn the fork on him for being such a ... man? ah, A, you've got a shxt-potload of hugs from me this afternoon, men can be stubborn little donkeys. Take heart, though, because eventually, something connects and they get it. quank connects huh...... like fork to head? Also let me tell you my husband says " so you wanna probably stab me in the eye with a fork don't ya?" I reply "See you don't listen to me, and what I want.... not the damn eye! THE HEAD" It has actually become kinda weird loving joke between us...... he has a sense of humor too..... at time it blows me out of the water. Oh Quank thanks...... see you cannot see what really is going on with us.....only what I post. I do love him very much he is a wonderful person and I want it to work.. and hell yes I say these things to him...... but the fork slips out from time to time too..... hell I am only human.... 8 months I have attempted to set him straight, clearly communicate. I don't hint.... I don't hint to as what needs to be done.... I don't say " you fruckin tard, you suck butt loser, pay the fruckin bills"........ nor do I nag. I don't........but damn I am pissed now. :lmao: So it is coming out.... just not that bad as it may seem here. So maybe that is what I needed to do..... STAND UP TO HIM........just like I do at work. I tried to be nice, helpful, thoughtful instead of going nutso Nutso must be the key to motivation I eat men for lunch that have the MAN IS IN CHARGE ATTITUDE. Please it is a partnership for us..and it is our life. My H would not appreciate the attitude either he calls them "wife beater wanna be's" Hell in most cases where it appears the man is in charge the wife is just letting him think he is :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 Hell in most cases where it appears the man is in charge the wife is just letting him think he is kinda like the mama in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" tells Tula: "Yes, men are the head of the house, but women are the neck … and the neck makes the head turn whichever way it needs to turn" :lmao: God, there is so much truth to that statement. hang in there A ... like I said, eventually something clicks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 Hell in most cases where it appears the man is in charge the wife is just letting him think he is kinda like the mama in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" tells Tula: "Yes, men are the head of the house, but women are the neck … and the neck makes the head turn whichever way it needs to turn" :lmao: God, there is so much truth to that statement. hang in there A ... like I said, eventually something clicks. :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: : Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 Moose just comes from another place in his posts. I think he is of the thinking that a woman should win her man over with her loving attitude rather than asserting her needs. He's kinda told me the same thing before in posts about my ex- . Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 Moose just comes from another place in his posts. I think he is of the thinking that a woman should win her man over with her loving attitude rather than asserting her needs. He's kinda told me the same thing before in posts about my ex- . well perhaps he should practice what he likes to preach when dealing with posters here may I add asserting his values to that. Again I don't care...... my husband would not want me that way obviously... ya know he could leave evil mean me if he wanted to..... we have no kids, not one financial tie........ so my assertive attitude must please him and that is all that matters to me. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 When will men figure out that a woman's mood creates the atmosphere for the whole house? If she is not happy, NO ONE is! If he knows how to keep her happy, it will always be a good day at home. It really is not that hard, I'm not sure why men like to complicate it all... Who WAS that Thelma that called the other night btw? just kiddin ya.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author a4a Posted August 23, 2006 Author Share Posted August 23, 2006 When will men figure out that a woman's mood creates the atmosphere for the whole house? If she is not happy, NO ONE is! If he knows how to keep her happy, it will always be a good day at home. It really is not that hard, I'm not sure why men like to complicate it all... Who WAS that Thelma that called the other night btw? just kiddin ya.... You got it..... I usually am quite humorous around here.... but when upset/angry it would seem as if even the dogs just quietly go to their corners Dogs have been spending a good amount of time in the corners lately Thelma..... wrong # it was a call from about 900 miles from here. But I did tease the H about it. So who is Thelma? Huh?? spill it bucko! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 23, 2006 Share Posted August 23, 2006 Thelma..... wrong # it was a call from about 900 miles from here. But I did tease the H about it. So who is Thelma? Huh?? spill it bucko! Quite possible Thelma is a code word... :lmao: Can you tell I am a suspicious nature of sorts? 900 miles is where the phone is set up ORIGINALLY! Call forwarding or a different home base for a cell is NOT out of the ordinary anymore either... Just a thought... Link to post Share on other sites
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