OmG what have I done? psycho me

[Mollyanna]

I didn't mean that as bad as it sounded. It isn't something I do on purpose. it's just that I have been hurt so many times by people who said they would never hurt me. People are always saying "I am different, I would never treat you that way" And then THEY screw me over too. So I am at the point now where I can't totally trust anyone. So I over-react to situations. Like for example, in the first month together with D, I called him one night and he didn't call me back for a week. I was frantic. In the first 3 days I called him several times and left messages asking him if I did something wrong. Then the next day started to get upset and tell him not to bother calling me at all if he was just going to play games. Then I became worried about him and called and said I was sorry for being angry but if he could just let me know he was OK, he didn't have to ignore me, I would go away on my own. Then I became so angry that I erased his number from my phone so I couldn't call him and deemed him an ******* who manipulated me into sleeping with him and that is all i am worth.

 

I was out of town on a business trip. I had no idea that he had broken his cell phone and that was the only place he had my number stored. It wasn't until he got a new phone and switched SIM cards that he called me.

 

That is what I mean about pushing people away. If he would have left me then, it would have been totally my fault. It is almost like I test people to see if they can handle my craziness.

[Mollyanna]

Do you never disappoint? Are you ALWAYS unfailingly loyal to your friends?

No, but i have never stolen money from a friend, moved out in the middle of the night and left them no roommate, stolen their boyfriends, or left them in the hospital with no ride home when they had almost died - because I had a date. I have never refused to talk to a friend anymore because they did something against my advice and Said, I told you so, I knew you would get hurt. But you didn't listen. and then leave their life. I have never left a friend alone at a club and took off with a guy without telling them. I have never professed my undying love to someone and ask them to marry me and sit there and name our children and then the next day tell them I was drunk and don't remember any of it. I have never had a child tell me she was fondled by her teacher and then refuse to report it because everyone in town would look at us weird - and then continue to say Hello to that teacher on the street as if nothing happened. I have never had a child come home crying every day from school for 6 years because she was bullied so badly by the other kids and just tell her to suck it up.

[Mollyanna]

God dammit this sucks and the more I dig up and think about, the more I think I really should just be alone...

[Touche]

Gosh Molly, calm down. We've all had crappy things done to us. I myself am a loner by choice. Most people are a pain in the ass. It's hard to make good friends. Everyone is out for themselves it seems. You're a sensitive soul like so many of us on here.

 

Don't let life beat you down like this. You need to be around people right now. I've had to force myself to be around people at various times in my life or who knows what would have happened to me.

 

I thought it was great that you're going to take that writing class. Start fresh and give new people a chance. Make new friends. Don't freak out. Stop over analyzing all of this and start anew.

 

I don't think that whole thing with the cell phone was all that crazy. I wonder if he was being truthful though. Couldn't he have gotten in touch with you some other way? Didn't he know where you lived? I mean you slept with him by then. He sounds like an ass!!!

 

Maybe next time don't sleep with someone until you know his true character.

 

And please calm down. You're not as bad as you think you are. You're not crazy. We've all felt like you do. We've all acted crazy. Just get a grip now, ok?

[Mollyanna]

I don't think that whole thing with the cell phone was all that crazy. I wonder if he was being truthful though. Couldn't he have gotten in touch with you some other way? Didn't he know where you lived? I mean you slept with him by then. He sounds like an ass!!!

I was on a business trip. I wasn't home so he could come and tell me. Also, when I got back, believe me - I made him prove it. He let me listen to some other messages he still had on his VM from other people who were looking for him too. But everytime after that, if he didn't call me within an hour or two, I would call again. I just push and push. Just like now, I can't give him a break. He is taking it calmly as usual, but I know I am scaring him away.

 

Sorry I got so emotional earlier. Just writing all of that out made me upset.

[owcanbhppy]

molly, ive read this thread. what you did, as a one time thing was not bad. to repeat it & expect the semi x bf to be as good natured about it could be a bad situation. im glad he was nice about it. im not convinced hes deliberately stringing you along as others have suggested, but he may be unconscienciously keeping you there due some of his own insecurities.

 

i get the pushing others away bit. thats self-protection due other hurts. im sorry for the things that have happened & the lack of support you received earlier in life. but you are doing better than you know. do things for you now. dont chase this man, focus on yourself. if he makes the effort to show he will be there for you, you may have already decided HES not what YOU want.

 

you will be ok. dont worry about going to his home, its over & no harm done. pls DO be more careful about the dangerous things you did: driving under the influence, walking on the beach alone under the influence...

 

im grateful no harm came to you that evening & hope you are to. but pls dont tempt fate by repeatedly putting yourself in dangerous situations.

[In Sync]

Look what is done is done, but there's something you and all of can learn from this. We can't use other people to cover up all the pain of disappointments we've experienced. And we specially can't use them as band-aids to conceal our fear of loneliness. That seems to be a very common thread for those of us who go to extremes to coerce that someone to stay in our lives despite all signs that the relationship is kaput. There's no shame in having that fear of alone or feeling hurt but the sooner you confront what's going on and deal with all the ugly demons in the closet you'll keep repeating the same cycle again.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

it's just that I have been hurt so many times by people who said they would never hurt me. People are always saying "I am different, I would never treat you that way" And then THEY screw me over too.

 

I can relate to that totally. This last guy I loved (the Denver guy) was someone that I would trust with my eyes closed. Someone I'd never, ever, ever, in my life imagine was going to betray me. Ever. Because of the kind of person he was, because of his character, because he was "that" good.

 

And even "he" betrayed me.

 

That's what I mean this world sucks.

 

Ariadne

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[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

That is what I mean about pushing people away. If he would have left me then, it would have been totally my fault. It is almost like I test people to see if they can handle my craziness.

 

I get crazy too, and mainly is because I don't get people.

 

I talk with the truth and I expect the same from people. And when they start playing games like not answering the phone, the fading game, ignoring me and the such I go nuts.

 

So I push and push for an answer. And then they get mad.

 

Who gets them. But someone to put up with me would have to put up with the craziness too.

 

Ariadne

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[Mollyanna]

Look what is done is done, but there's something you and all of can learn from this. We can't use other people to cover up all the pain of disappointments we've experienced. And we specially can't use them as band-aids to conceal our fear of loneliness. That seems to be a very common thread for those of us who go to extremes to coerce that someone to stay in our lives despite all signs that the relationship is kaput. There's no shame in having that fear of alone or feeling hurt but the sooner you confront what's going on and deal with all the ugly demons in the closet you'll keep repeating the same cycle again.

 

i guess i have always been a romantic. believed that one day a man would come along and know everything that happened to me and would vow to forever protect and take care of me so nothing else like this would happen to me again.

[Mollyanna]

Who gets them. But someone to put up with me would have to put up with the craziness too.

 

Ariadne

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That is why I thought D was a keeper. He was the first one who ever laughed at my craziness and did not get mad, freak out, or feel manipulated. I told him over and over again, "go ahead and run, I know you want to". And he always says, "I am not going anywhere". Even now. He is the first guy I have ever felt completely safe around. I knew when I was with him, that nothing could get me.

[Ariadne]

Awww.....

 

You brought tears to my eyes

 

That is why I thought D was a keeper. He was the first one who ever laughed at my craziness and did not get mad, freak out, or feel manipulated. I told him over and over again, "go ahead and run, I know you want to". And he always says, "I am not going anywhere".

 

Just like the Denver guy. He'd understand me like no other, and wouldn't freak out if I went a little crazy.

 

I even have some of the things he told me right here in LS pasted in my thread, things like:

 

I tell you that you're great and sweet and all sorts of nice things and I mean all of that, too. I don't sit here and think you're annoying or bothering me or anything like that because you're not. I worry about being annoying and being a problem myself.

 

And then never, ever, talked to me again... Is like he died :(

 

Ariadne

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[Mollyanna]

He could have meant every word though. Probably all that happened is you got trumped by his new girlfriend who forbade him to ever talk to you again. Been there with the other x... the last conversation we had back in February, he told me that he would always care about me, but that she was too important in his life to lose and me being in his life was causing too much drama. He didn't want to lose her. So basically he had to choose...

 

By the way, they got married yesterday...

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Yes, that is what happened. She forbid him from talking to me.

 

But it's a betrayal nonetheless.

 

He betrayed me for a girl, for a dog, for a car, for a house, it doesn't matter for what.

 

I meant so little to him that he tossed me aside like nothing, a disposable item.

 

Nevermind me, I'm crying here.

 

By the way, they got married yesterday...

 

{{{Mollyanna}}} I'm sorry

 

Ariadne

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[Mollyanna]

I'm OK with it. I used to think he was the greatest guy in the world, but now I don't.

 

I don't think because they chose someone else that means that we meant nothing to them. It's not black and white that way. It just means they cared about someone else a little bit more. That doesn't sound quite as bad...

 

Sorry to upset you...

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

No, is ok.

 

I understand he cared for her more. I know all that.

 

But I still can't help feeling like he sold me.

 

Not sure how to explain it.

 

There are some things you just don't give up, no matter what. Like some guy says...I don't like dogs and you choose, either the guy or your dog.

 

So you go ahead and give your dog away, because, you like your guy more than your dog.

 

Ariadne

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[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

I'm OK with it. I used to think he was the greatest guy in the world, but now I don't.

 

Yeah, maybe I'll get to that point too.

 

I don't know...

 

Ariadne

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[Ariadne]

Sigh,

 

I feel like going rollerskating all around the park now.

 

(Ah, I like that guys, I like going to the gym (when I'm not totally depressed) and rollerskating...)

 

But, I feel like I gained like 20 pounds yesterday after eating the whole bucket of the Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream the new gf likes.

 

Great, now I feel fat too,

 

Ariadne

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[Mollyanna]

I did some work today - on a Sunday - because I can't think of anything else to do that keeps my mind off of this situation. Wish I knew somewhere to rollerskate, but I am weird about going places by myself anyway. So I stay locked up in this house until someone wants me to go partying. Guess that is why the excess drinking. The Gym? I have been toying with that idea for a while. Wouldn't it be really cool to get all hot looking and THEN see him in a few months? Or find someone else. Maybe we should both do that Ariadne. Instead of spending all this team sulking over these guys, we could exercise.

 

Maybe after a while, we will feel like we are too hot for them anyway. We can do better. We both know they aren't perfect or even close.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Maybe we should both do that Ariadne. Instead of spending all this team sulking over these guys, we could exercise.

 

Well, I did. I skated the 6 miles around the park real fast. That felt good.

 

But you have the beach there and surfing. Hey, and you can actually get in the water. Here it's pretty freezing alright.

 

And guess what, now the fwb is acting up. I called him and asked him if he wanted to meet tonight (because he had the son for the weekend but he leaves on Sunday night).

 

He told me before that he wanted a steady relationship and that he wanted to see me every day, and that I didn't even had to ask...

 

So tonight he calls me and tells me that he feels suffocated, ugh? But you said you wanted to see me every day, I said, besides, I want to see you because I like to see you, but if you don't want to see me fine.

 

(Actually, I like to see him also because not only he has cold beer in the house all the time, he also smokes those cigars they sell in "Jamaica me Crazy" , and he is horny).

 

So he said that we'll talk tomorrow... sigh... what a pest.

 

I'm not sure what's up with that guy even,

 

Ariadne

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[Mollyanna]

I need a friend like that here! Oh wait, I did and I let myself get stupid and fall in love with him. That is what has been bothering me today. We could have had such a great friendship. His best friend called me tonight and still swears to me that I can have that friendship back and more if I just sit tight and wait for him to come to me.

 

Meanwhile I figure I will last only 3 more days before I contact him. That seems to be the pattern.

 

Is it really sad that I stayed up this late doing work on a Sunday so I can sleep most of tomorrow away? If I can just get through 1 day of NC, I will be back in the spirit.

 

Ariadne - what are you going to do about the FWB guy? Do you like him like him?

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

If I can just get through 1 day of NC, I will be back in the spirit.

 

I think NC is stupid. But that's just me. I tell them whatever is on my mind all the time.

 

Is it really sad that I stayed up this late doing work on a Sunday so I can sleep most of tomorrow away?

 

See, that's why I don't work. Rather be poor but free (but I'll have to).

 

what are you going to do about the FWB guy? Do you like him like him?

 

Argh, I don't know. It was going so well. I don't know what's his problem really, because he tells me he has such a great time with me all the time. (?)

 

I just like him as a friend and I like to hang at his place. I get bored here and you know, is kind of fun. But I don't feel any special connection with him or anything like that.

 

Ah well,

 

Ariadne

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[Mollyanna]

well i need him to wonder what i am doing and start missing me. and i need my feelings for him to wane down a little. maybe we can meet somewhere in the middle...

 

maybe your FWB guy is sensing that you aren't on the same wavelength?

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

i need him to wonder what i am doing and start missing me.

 

Well, is just that I don't think his feelings for you are going to change because of that. And if they do, then that's a wrong relationship anyway because the feelings he has shouldn't depend on external factors.

 

But that's just my theory.

 

and i need my feelings for him to wane down a little. maybe we can meet somewhere in the middle...

 

Yeah, not sure that works either, because the imposed NC from my love is not helping me wane...is just making me more desperate and frustrated.

 

maybe your FWB guy is sensing that you aren't on the same wavelength?

 

Who knows... but he seems to be getting uncomfortable with this arrangement, I'm afraid.

 

Ariadne

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[Mollyanna]

Yeah, not sure that works either, because the imposed NC from my love is not helping me wane...is just making me more desperate and frustrated.

I am definitely more desperate and frustrated. I know how that feels. Yesterday after my little meltdown from memory lane, I felt so bad that I texted him and again apologized for acting crazy and let him know I was having just a difficult time right now that really had nothing to do with him, but issues from my past.

 

He called me this morning to talk about it. He again said "Stop worrying, I have already forgotten about it". Then he asked me what was wrong that made me go to the beach late that night, if it wasn't him.

 

I blabbed out an issue and he commiserated with me and even shared a story of his Mom's that is similar. Then he had to get to work and he told me he would call me later. Now I feel bad for again leaning on him because I'm getting closer to him when I should be trying to let that go.