OmG what have I done? psycho me

[Touche]

Hi,

 

Just a note in general.

 

People are just paranoid.

 

Mollyanna was drunk and went to get a lighter. The guy laughed it off.

 

You guys are saying that the next time the guy is going to call the police. It seems like the most minimal thing is a reason for stalking, harassing. Relax people.

 

I think nobody means harm when they do those silly things, and I wouldn't want to see romanticism gone.

 

Ariadne

 

 

It's not a minimal thing as you put it. I'm not paranoid. It's not romantic to break into someone's house. Someone who has told you they need time away. I didn't say Mollyana meant harm but it still doesn't make it right.

 

Drinking is NO excuse for bad behavior. If someone only behaves that way when they drink then they need to stop drinking. If they don't it doesn't excuse them. They can choose to stop doing those things.

 

And Molly, thanks for realizing that I'm not being mean. It's good you realize that you need to put the breaks on the drinking. It will only make everything worse. It will make NC almost impossible by the way.

 

You said you don't have a drinking issue "yet." You're smart to realize that it CAN turn into a huge issue. It creeps up on you. Before you know it, it becomes a daily thing and you need more and more of it. And before you know it, you WILL be getting drunk every time you drink. Watch out!

 

And trust me, staying away from him will be easier without the alcohol. You can do it.

[norajane]

I only ate like half a sandwich yesterday and on antidepressants too. It didn't even dawn on me till today that I should not be mixing alcohol with prescription medication.

 

Why so self-destructive Mollyanna? Why do you go to the beach at night by yourself, and sleep outside, and break into people's houses and invade their bedrooms? Why all the binge drinking? Why do you continue to beat your head against this guy's wall?

 

I know you said you don't want to go to therapy, but you need it! You need to go through the past because that's why you are doing all these things to hurt yourself. This isn't just about your break-up...you have a chronic pattern of loss of self-control, obsession, low self-esteem, depression, risky and downright dangerous behavior.

 

Your desperate behavior over this guy has escalated and escalated - and you really stepped over the line going into this guy's house, and into his bedroom in the middle of the night. If you lived in Texas, you might be dead by now - they shoot first and ask questions later. You're just lucky he was expecting a drunk booty call visit after you left your car there.

 

He is not good for you, Mollyanna. You've been a mess and getting worse, not better. He's not going to 'save' you...he is only going to make you crazier and crazier. Do something to stop this before you really do something to hurt yourself (pills and alcohol and drunk alone on a deserted beach...anything, and I mean anything, bad can happen).

 

How do you get anti-depressants without therapy anyway? Do doctors just write scrips these days without providing therapy? I know you said you just started taking your meds again...how long does it take for you to feel the effect?

 

Get help now. You can't handle this - you've had plenty of time to get a grip and you're just going off the deep end instead of healing. HE IS NOT THE ONLY MAN IN THE WORLD!!! And if you weren't so messed up, you'd realize he is the only man who is making you feel like sh*t constantly.

 

Get help, sweets. Make an appointment right now.

[TheSilentType]

I don't wanna be too harsh on you because I kind of feel sorry for you. You seem a little lonely and are clinging on to this guy because he was one of the first persons you liked in your area....or whatever lol I didn't read everything you wrote

 

You really need to make an effort to find a new person. You make this guy seem like a nice guy who cares for you....oh he never yells...he was nice and laughed it off when i was at his house.

 

To me, he is not such a nice guy. He knows that you feel lonely for someone at your age and he is clearly stoking the fire. Like all classic MANIPULATORS he is giving you just enough....just enough communication...just enough interaction....so that you grovel back to him crying and feeding his ego.

 

I am truly astonished at the amount of people in this world with such low self-esteem that they feel there is only person in this world who can provide them happiness. I will never understand this masochistic need to blow up the importance of ONE PERSON in your life and be unable to find just as equally good or better person. Its for lack of effort, for fear, and having no respect for yourself.

 

This guy may not have hit you or whatever....but he is a classic MANIPULATOR...and you are his YO-YO. Trust me, everytime you call....everytime you cry....everytime you text....his EGO gets that much bigger.

 

Try not to be so pathetic like so many on this website. You deserve more than someone who's clearly enjoying toying with you and getting a rise out of your desperation.

[Mollyanna]

I do need therapy, but I have not been strong enough to go. Talking to a stranger about my childhood (i can't even bring myself to write what happened ), being raped at 20, my suicide attempts, and 2 abusive relationships - all of those things make you cry and cry and cry. I can't afford to do that right now. I need to get back on my feet first. When I am stronger, I will start therapy.

 

As for destructive behavior, i guess sometimes I just don't care what happens to me. I do not love myself all the time. This being one of those times. When I was with D, well he always made me feel good. My self image was improving. He continuously complimented me and made me see special things in myself that I had never thought much of before. When he first left, i felt like he was taking all those feelings with him, but he isn't. He still wants to be an important part of my life. This was MY IDEA to not see or talk to him for a while, so I can get over my hurt feelings and start concentrating on getting myself better.

 

i do not make a habit of breaking into people's houses. wow that makes me sound really horrible! In the past 2 months, his best friend and I went to his house and in the back door at least 4 times and woke him up. He has a roommate so we do not ring the doorbell. we instead "sneak" in. He has always laughed about it and really enjoyed the couple of times that I came by myself and slipped into bed beside him. BUT those times happened when we were together and talking.

 

I had tunnel vision last night. All i could think about was I needed a light. so i went in there to ask him for one. once i got it, i left. when i came back from the beach, i did not go back into his house. until he looked at me so confused and said "What are you doing here?", i had no idea I was doing anything wrong. Then i was like, OMG what have I done? We aren't even talking to each other anymore!" I seriously forgot that part.

 

Nora, you stated that I am getting worse. I don't feel that way at all. I feel better! With the exception of last night, I haven't had any self destructive behavior in days. I stopped crying, started eating again, exercising, and taking my meds, and even started getting some work done. I also finally cleaned my house and all my laundry. I was feeling good enough to leave the house last night. That was my first time out of my house since Sunday. OK, so I screwed it up. But I still think I am doing better.

[norajane]

Nora, you stated that I am getting worse. I don't feel that way at all. I feel better! With the exception of last night, I haven't had any self destructive behavior in days. I stopped crying, started eating again, exercising, and taking my meds, and even started getting some work done. I also finally cleaned my house and all my laundry. I was feeling good enough to leave the house last night. That was my first time out of my house since Sunday. OK, so I screwed it up. But I still think I am doing better.

 

What I'm seeing from your threads is that, at first, you couldn't stop calling and texting him, even though it made you feel awful. You couldn't help talking to him when he called, and you hung on every word, and ignored all the "This is never gonna happen" words in favor of the "you're so special" words. Of course you're special - you don't need him or anyone else to tell you that.

 

Then you escalated it to dropping by his house after your first day of surfing, to share that with him. That time, it worked out. Then you dropped by and found his FWB was there. That time, it didn't work out so well. This time, it was the middle of the night and you had no idea what you were doing...completely out of it, and out of control.

 

To me, this is an escalation. Next time, will you come out of your trance - drunken or otherwise - to find you'd run him over with your car? Or that you were standing on the edge of a bridge?

 

I don't see that you have this under control. You say you'll seek therapy when you're stronger. What if you need the therapy to help you get stronger? You can't rely on a guy and external validation to make you feel better. No guy, no one, can do that for you. It comes from within or it's never going to feel real to you.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

I also finally cleaned my house and all my laundry.

 

I did that too finally. It took me forever that laundry. And I went and got me the Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey icecream that his new gf likes, and, I gotta say she has good taste.

 

And I was looking at piano classes to go to next semester. I'd like to play the piano so that I can cry thinking about my love.

 

Ariadne

[Mollyanna]

I don't see that you have this under control. You say you'll seek therapy when you're stronger. What if you need the therapy to help you get stronger?

I have work obligations. These next 2 weeks are very important in my career. I designed a program that will be in place next week, with many individuals coming from all over the US for their training. I cannot be off in some mental health facility (because right now that is what will happen to me.)

 

The meds are working. I feel a little better every day. Last night was a mistake, but not one I plan on making again. And I don't plan on drinking for the next couple of weeks either. Right now, i feel my job is the only thing I have going for me. I'm not going to screw that up. I am not going to drag up all these painful memories and be a basket case again wondering why God has made me suffer so much. Damn it, see i am already tearing up now.

[Mollyanna]

Hey,

 

I also finally cleaned my house and all my laundry.

 

I did that too finally. It took me forever that laundry. And I went and got me the Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey icecream that his new gf likes, and, I gotta say she has good taste.

 

And I was looking at piano classes to go to next semester. I'd like to play the piano so that I can cry thinking about my love.

 

Ariadne

 

Glad to hear you are feeling better. but that sounds pretty sad eating his GF's ice cream and crying over a piano..

 

I am signing up for a fiction writing class. maybe I can turn all my emotional energy into something creative.

[Touche]

That's a GREAT idea about the writing class, Mollyanna. Good luck. Sounds like you've been through some rough times but you sound like a survivor. You deserve better than what you've been getting. I hope you know that.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

but that sounds pretty sad eating his GF's ice cream and crying over a piano..

 

Oh no, the ice cream was real good, is like my favorite ice cream now , that and Dulce de Leche.

 

And piano, I already took Piano 1 and 2, so I'm not so disaster. Is going to be a good way to express myself. Kind of like your writing class.

 

Ariadne

[Touche]

Ariadne, I'm not picking on you but you said you wanted to take up the piano so that you can cry thinking about your love.

 

Mollyanna said she wanted to take up writing so that she can turn all of her emotional energy into something creative.

 

See the difference? One sounds a little healthier than the other.

[Mollyanna]

That's a GREAT idea about the writing class, Mollyanna. Good luck. Sounds like you've been through some rough times but you sound like a survivor. You deserve better than what you've been getting. I hope you know that.

 

sometimes it is difficult to remember. Thank you for reminding me.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Ariadne, I'm not picking on you but you said you wanted to take up the piano so that you can cry thinking about your love.

 

Sigh you, how else am I going to express myself if not crying. I'm sad, you know. But maybe I'll play a polka or some later on too.

 

What do you like to do for fun Touche.

 

Ariadne

[Touche]

Hi,

 

Ariadne, I'm not picking on you but you said you wanted to take up the piano so that you can cry thinking about your love.

 

Sigh you, how else am I going to express myself if not crying. I'm sad, you know. But maybe I'll play a polka or some later on too.

 

What do you like to do for fun Touche.

 

Ariadne

 

Ok, well sorry. That makes sense. Everyone has to express their emotions in their own way.

 

Me? I love to garden. I grow vegetables and flowers. I love to read. I like to come on here of course. I used to play the piano but I kind of suck at it. But you've made me think about starting it up again.

 

I like home decorating projects too. I like making plans for the future. I mean I map it all out..doesn't always work out but usually it has. It gives me someting to shoot for.

 

I remember you said you're not really into anything Ariadne, but have you ever tried gardening? Even container gardening is great. You can grow all kinds of veggies and flowers in containers. It's very satisfying.

 

I like to cook too. Lately my passion is barbecuing and grilling.

 

By the way, I LOVE polkas!

[Ariadne]

Ah,

 

That's good for you that you can plant flowers and vegetables. Lucky.

 

I live in some kind of cave here, in a one bedroom apartment so I'm happy to see grass when I go to the park.

 

I remember you said you're not really into anything Ariadne, but have you ever tried gardening? Even container gardening is great. You can grow all kinds of veggies and flowers in containers. It's very satisfying.

 

I saw somewhere on tv that they assigned a piece of land somewhere for people to grow if they didn't have where, but I don't think I wanna do that.

 

Maybe I'll like to program again, I don't know. See if I get inspired. And I like to read too. But only about soulmates and stuff like that.

 

I like to cook too. Lately my passion is barbecuing and grilling.

 

Ah, I like to go to restaurants because I like food from other places. I usually get Indian food and sometimes Mexican. My son and I are vegetarians.

 

Are you a woman?

 

Ariadne

[SUMMER 1969]

I think that maybe if you just give him some space and you let him call you, maybe, just maybe you guys can work things out..

 

I cannot even beleive I am going to say this... But it seems that most people like to play games ( girls and guys ) but maybe if he calls you, don't answer the phone and call him back the next day or something..

 

Make him work for you.. if you make yourself unavalible to him once in a while, just maybe he will want you more..

 

I am glad he was not mad at you for stopping at his house, but for now, just act like you are moving on with your life..

 

If you and him are meant for one another, then you guys will get back together... For now, and I know it is easier said then done ( trust me ) but for now, I would really just try to stay away from him..

 

I as well as you am on a anti-depressent, and I know you are not suppose to drink on them, so make sure you are careful...

 

Good luck to you, and like the other posts said, if you feel the need to call him or something, just post on here.. We are all here and we all understand what you are dealing with..

 

 

Summer

[ImmaBeAlright]

I was alone for an entire year before I met him. Was trying to get over the last ex. I am almost 34. My clock is ticking. I can't afford to take time off to be alone again.

 

 

LMAO. I'm sorry, it's funny how you put that. I am not laughing at your situation.

[Mollyanna]

LMAO. I'm sorry, it's funny how you put that. I am not laughing at your situation.

That's OK. I read through my entire thread again today and can't believe how melodramatic I get sometimes.

 

Summer, I wish I would have read your post before he called. but at least now, my mind is more at ease.

 

He called all excited to tell me he just bought a dirt bike. I answered it of course. But, I did so well. I ask a couple of questions about the bike, congratulated him and said I had to go. I even ignored his question when he asked me what I was doing today? (what????) Then said "oh yeah hey, please don't give ---- (his best friend's name) --- a hard time for the other night. He said he wouldn't, that he had already forgotten all about it. I said "Well I will remember it for the rest of my life, i am so mortified." He said, "Don't be sweetie, it never happened, OK?" We said goodbye like nothing happened. Again he called me sweetie or honey or baby or something.

 

I hope I have the strength now to just leave him be.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

I'd be like, oh, I love you, take me in your bike, I wanna see it, can I kiss you?

 

Etc etc...

 

Ariadne

[Mollyanna]

not helping.....

[Touche]

not helping.....

 

Yeah, I was going to say the same thing but I REALLY don't want to seem like I'm picking on her!

 

You have the strenth Mollyanna! You do. The phone call ended well now just leave it alone. Forget the other night. Just go forward. When you're tempted to contact him, come here and talk to us.

 

Hang in there!

[In Sync]

Mollyana,

 

Why are you doing this to yourself entangling yourself in such a mess? Is any man worth all this?

[Mollyanna]

Mollyana,

 

Why are you doing this to yourself entangling yourself in such a mess? Is any man worth all this?

 

fear of abandonment, i suppose. everyone that I have ever cared about has deserted me as some time or another when I needed them. tired of people leaving. and then it seems sometimes I just chase them away because I am testing their loyalty. and just like I knew they would, they leave.

[burning 4 revenge]

and then it seems sometimes I just chase them away because I am testing their loyalty. and just like I knew they would, they leave.

What the hell is that about?

[Touche]

Yeah, I didn't get that either. LIFE itself is the test of someone's loyalty. Why would anyone purposefully go about "testing" someone's loyalty and setting up some fake tests. That could drive anyone away.

 

I've always found that people who expect the worst in people and are always waiting for them to screw up, always seem to get their wish. I don't think people should be naive but neither should they always expect the worst. You're setting yourself up for failure and disappointment. Find a comfortable balance in your expectations of people.

 

Do you never disappoint? Are you ALWAYS unfailingly loyal to your friends?