Dealbreakers

[ladyinwaiting]

I once disdained rules, but a decade of experience has taught me better. My list of dealbreakers:

 

1. Heavy drinking, or even regular drinking. That's not a moral judgement, as many of my friends drink heavily, and good luck to them. It's just that I am from a family of drunks and will never take that risk.

2. Into drugs.

3. Unemployed. Even if he's a student, by our age he should have a job as well.

4. Radical or fundamentalist politics. Left or right, I don't care, it's all nuts.

5. Radical or fundamentalist religion. As above.

6. Pro-Life. I'm politically moderate, and have mixed feelings about the morality of abortion. But it's a woman's choice, and any man that tells her otherwise is out.

7. Dislikes animals. Never a good sign.

8. Recognisable personality disorder . Narcissism seems particularly common in my profession.

9. Doesn't tip properly. A sign of mean-spiritness that's offensive to this ex-hospitality worker.

[TheSilentType]

I once disdained rules, but a decade of experience has taught me better. My list of dealbreakers:

 

1. Heavy drinking, or even regular drinking. That's not a moral judgement, as many of my friends drink heavily, and good luck to them. It's just that I am from a family of drunks and will never take that risk.

2. Into drugs.

3. Unemployed. Even if he's a student, by our age he should have a job as well.

4. Radical or fundamentalist politics. Left or right, I don't care, it's all nuts.

5. Radical or fundamentalist religion. As above.

6. Pro-Life. I'm politically moderate, and have mixed feelings about the morality of abortion. But it's a woman's choice, and any man that tells her otherwise is out.

7. Dislikes animals. Never a good sign.

8. Recognisable personality disorder . Narcissism seems particularly common in my profession.

9. Doesn't tip properly. A sign of mean-spiritness that's offensive to this ex-hospitality worker.

 

Hmm...a very sensible list. I especially agree with 4, 5, and 7.

 

I'd even go further than you and say that if a person is even religious that is unacceptable to me. I simply do not to be with any brainwashed zombie who is involved with any organized religion. I'd even go so far as to dismiss them if they were not religious but had parents or family members who are deeply religious. You never know if after you get involved, whether their hyper-religious parent might try to convince them to "see the light" and "save their soul" before its too late. Don't want anyone who is religious or has the potential to be "born again" anything. Just give me a person who tries their best to a good person within reason. You can still be a moral person without all the religious garbage getting in the way.

 

By the way, I'm curious to know what this profession is that has a lot of narcissist? Perhaps modelling? Actors? Florists? I want to know! That way I can avoid meeting a person with that profession...

[the_alchemyst]

I won't date someone who:

 

1. Is a tomboy

2. Doesn't like animals, especially dogs. Dog first, girl second in my life.

3. Grew up with rich parents

4. Has not had a hard life or has not had to deal with great tragedy or disappointment

5. Dislikes giving money to the poor

6. Is a female-power she-man. Give me a demure, homely girl anyday. Someone kind of who is like Laura Bush. No Hillary Clinton for me, or drunk, obnoxious girls at bars!

7. Is plain without makeup

8. Is one-dimensional. Seriously, if you cannot talk about anything beyond your everyday sphere of things, then I don't wanna know you.

9. Doesn't wear dresses. I swear, so many girls at my school wear pants! What's up with that! It's not like we're so freakin old that you can't wear a freakin dress! Ugh

10. Has had many male sexual partners. I don't care if they been with girls. But if they've been with a lot of guys, then I don't know if I want to be faithful to them. Use, abuse, and then dump

11. Has done or does do drugs

12. Is religious

 

There's more. I'll add later.

 

Oh, look. That's me minus the bolded ones.

 

I am opinionated, but not obnoxious, I think. Oh, and I also look pale without make-up. I guess this is because I don't go out enough when the sun's hot.

 

So, yes--wow. How cool.

 

Oh, but that's right. You think I'm a goth or something. And well, I suppose, that belief alone, since your beliefs seem to be facts, disqualifies me.

 

Aww. And here I thought I had found someone.

[TheSilentType]

Oh, look. That's me minus the bolded ones.

 

I am opinionated, but not obnoxious, I think. Oh, and I also look pale without make-up. I guess this is because I don't go out enough when the sun's hot.

 

So, yes--wow. How cool.

 

Oh, but that's right. You think I'm a goth or something. And well, I suppose, that belief alone, since your beliefs seem to be facts, disqualifies me.

 

Aww. And here I thought I had found someone.

 

It could have been a match made in heaven but for those two! lol

 

Like I said, I don't want a Hillary Clinton-esque partner. I'm going to wear the pants in the relationship since I look hideous in a dress...err not that I ever worn one. Opiniated is not bad, so long as there is tact. But I would never tolerate it if my gf was a witch about it or really obnoxious.

 

If you think pale without make-up = plain, then that's your opinion. I only stated I wanted someone who did not look plain without make-up. The person needs to have atleast a decent level of attractiveness, some basic level of feminine beauty. Don't want a plain looking, androgynous face or someone with a non-descript face that is totally masked my makeup.

 

I don't know why I said you were gothic. I only based it on your avatar, which is obviously not you. Still, its a picture you chose to use and maybe it reflects something about you...to put up a picture of woman in so much black? Maybe you're just one of those dark, morose people? Could be very wrong.

 

And lastly, my beliefs are not necessarily facts.....but i do expect everyone to adhere to them and never challenge them.

 

 

 

 

 

Just kidding! No, my beliefs are only my beliefs and that is all. I will defend them against everyone, but no I don't feel they are fact...they are just what feels right to me.

[lovelorcet]

You do realize that heather mills used to make pornos....

[TheSilentType]

You do realize that heather mills used to make pornos....

 

well that's news to me...

 

still my focus was more on what I felt was a courageous way of dealing with a hardship rather than the person who had done it...

 

i should have used another example....and next time I'll make sure not to mention the name.

[lovelorcet]

"a courageous way of dealing with a hardship rather than the person who had done it..."

 

But that is my point. Everyone has done things in which they are not proud of. Some more than others, I feel the important thing is how someone learns from their mistakes. I would be willing to offer a girl a lot of understanding as far as her past is concerned as long as I felt she had taken time to understand her own actions and has used that to further develop.

 

A mature adult should be able to identify their own insecurities (and we all have them) and deal with them in a way which is not unhealthy to their partner.

 

 

And as for your comment about just using and abusing a woman who did not meet your standards, I find that just sad.

 

 

My deal breakers:

 

-a lair

-a cheater

-no longer loves me

-I no longer love them

-does not want kids

 

Just about anything else I am willing to deal with on an individual basis because I never truly judge someone until I have had some time to walk around in their skin.

[norajane]

i should have used another example....and next time I'll make sure not to mention the name.

 

That's precisely the problem. No matter what name or example you give, no matter what person you meet, everyone has something that excludes them from your 'approved' list. Your dealbreakers are mutually exclusive.

[nicki]

I say don't contribute to the problem. If you don't want to be with women who casually sleep around, then YOU don't do that. Really, it's the mature thing to do. You must represent in yourself what you wish to see.

 

Also, you might think about challenging your belief system here. There's nothing wrong with having standards. It's good to know what you want....but it's even better to know WHY you want what you want.

 

Like,what have you picked up from the media about women? How about from the way you were raised?

 

There was a time when I wanted to be with business type guys in suits. To me, they epitomized hard work and prestige. Then I married a workaholic. Later I realized I had watched a lot of the TV lawyer show "LA Law" during my formative years....and had decided the guys on that show were the guys I wanted to go for.

 

Now, I don't care what a man wears or does for a living. I just want him to have a good work ethic, whatever he does....and however he got to point he developed one, even if that means he went through a period of laziness, or dated too many women....whatever, as long as he learned to have a good work ethic NOW.

 

Really, pare your list down to the "qualities" you want in a woman, not particular circumstances.

 

My list, for whatever it's worth:

 

1. Kind

2. Honest

3. Faithful

4. Quick to laugh

5. Intelligent

6. Attractive to me, chemistry (subjective thing)

7. Affectionate, and likes sex

8. Good work ethic/ does his best at everything (especially #7:p)

[TheSilentType]

 

My list, for whatever it's worth:

 

1. Kind

2. Honest

3. Faithful

4. Quick to laugh

5. Intelligent

6. Attractive to me, chemistry (subjective thing)

7. Affectionate, and likes sex

8. Good work ethic/ does his best at everything (especially #7:p)

 

Thanks for sharing your list and your advice.

 

But isn't it a given that most people want someone whose kind, honest, faithful...list dealbreakers that might be more specific to you.

[nicki]

I guess the older I get, the simpler my views become. I have let go of everything that is non-essential....and kept the most important set in stone. The rest is fluid.

 

There's a lot of freedom in that for me.

 

So, my list of dealbreakers is my list of important qualities, just in reverse.

 

DEALBREAKERS:

 

1. Abusive

2. Liar

3. Cheater

4. No sense of humor

5. Stupid (includes making bad choices like drugs, or any addiction)

6. Unattractive to me (subjective, because I like unique and different)

7. Unaffectionate, hates sex

8. Lazy, no drive (especially about sex:laugh:)

[TheSilentType]

I've based the things I've listed on who I am, as well as things that I have observed.

 

I mean, why do I want someone who likes animals? Because I like animals, and its my feeling that there has to be something emotionally more developed in you if you can love a "lesser being" such as an animal and treat it well. There's nothing ot prove that, but its just my feeling based on my interactions with people who love animals.

 

Why do I want someone who helps poor people? Because although I'm a jerk to most people, I happen to have a bleeding heart for people who have no food, no shelter, and little dignity left. I can understand what it feels like to be hungry, etc so I can sympathethize with what they are going through. I have a feeling I'll be helping out the homeless a lot in the future, and I want to be with someone who wont yell at me for wasting my time on such efforts.

 

Why do I want a girl who wears skirts and dresses every now and then? Simply because I think that a girl who wears a dress is hotter than a girl in a short skirt of tight jeans. Do 99% of guys agree with me? Hell no. That's just what I like and its unique to me. Maybe its just a throwback to the 1950s era, an era I kind of liked based on how people acted and carried themselves.

 

Trust me, I know what I want and why I want it. Nothing....not society.....not media.....not religion....dictates to me what I want.

 

Yes, I understand I need to make adjustments to my list. It's not like they are set in stone and I will never discard them. And heck, I may even make exceptions and get rid of one of the things on my list.

 

Who knows...although I wouldn't date just another hole for every guy out there, I might give that hole a chance if she happened to have a heart for helping the homeless or what not. Then I might not care so much about her sleeping with many guys, and I might actually like her.

 

Anyways, you all need to give me some credit for not being as stupid or rigid as you think I am.

 

I just playfully wrote that list I made. I didn't think too much about it, and maybe there are mutually exclusive requirements. I'll get rid of them or add new ones as I see fit.

[the_alchemyst]

Hi.

 

Why are you looking? You have Quina.

[nicki]

Hey, who is Quina?

 

Anyway, I think it's cool if you want someone who likes animals...For me, that falls under the "kind" category. Someone who likes animals shows kindness.

 

It's also cool if you want a woman who wears dresses. That falls under the category of "attractive." Personally, I wear them all the time. My ex hated it, but my current boyfriend loves it....see? it's subjective.

 

It's okay to set the qualities you really want in stone. I do. I don't negotiate "kindness." Or "honest." Or any of the ones I listed. Screw anyone who doesn't like them. I am the one who has to deal with the person I choose.

 

But, I might be flexible on whether or not someone has kids, or no college education. As long as the person has the qualities I want, I don't care so much about the circumstances.

 

You have the right to have preferences and standards, but not judgments. It's hard not to have them, I know.

 

I won't date smokers. Someone who smokes is not "kind" to their body. And they are "not intelligent" to me if they make that choice....see, it seems judgmental, but it's not.

 

Guys are free to smoke if they want, I just don't want to date them if they do. No judgment on my part. I'm free to be me. They are free to be who they are.

 

So, who is Quina?

[TheSilentType]

I really don't understand Alchemyst and this Quina thing. I think Quina is some genderless eunich in some fantasy game.

[blind_otter]

Call me crazy but regardless of my personal opinion regarding specific list items, I think everyone should have a list of dealbreakers. To not have at least a few specific things that you simply will not tolerate in a romantic parter would indicate a tendency to create vague and ill-defined boundaries, or even worse, it would indicate a person who has a vague and ill-defined idea of who THEY are.

 

I'm just saying.

[the_alchemyst]

I really don't understand Alchemyst and this Quina thing. I think Quina is some genderless eunich in some fantasy game.

 

That's not a very nice thing to say, you know.

[john1776]

How many of you would make it a dealbreaker if your significant other was addicted to these boards that he spent all of his free time reading and posting on LS and neglecting to make time alone with you??

 

What if he's so addicted to these boards it consumes all his time that he could be using to have sex with you? Anyway I'm just surprised nobody has posted threads about "boyfriend spends all his free time on a advice message board". I mean this place can become an obsession for many of us.

[Outcast]

What surprises the heck out of me is seeing folks I know are married posting at 3AM.

[burning 4 revenge]

gumby has a green, clay penis

[stoopid_guy]

How many of you would make it a dealbreaker if your significant other was addicted to these boards that he spent all of his free time reading and posting on LS and neglecting to make time alone with you??

 

What if he's so addicted to these boards it consumes all his time that he could be using to have sex with you? Anyway I'm just surprised nobody has posted threads about "boyfriend spends all his free time on a advice message board". I mean this place can become an obsession for many of us.

 

"Help! I'm in an EA with LS!!!"

[Toni_no12002]

you say you wont date anyone who is like that but sometimes you fall for people who you wouldnt normally.My bf said he wouldnt ever date a smoker but im a smoker and we have been together nearly 3 years.

 

To be honest if you got everything you want in a woman wouldnt it be a little boring?

[john1776]

You made a good point. As a matter of fact even if I met all the requirements down to the T of what a woman was looking for that's still no guarantee that she will want to date me. She may still find no compelling reason to date me even if I have fulfilled the requirements down to a T. The same is true with me when it comes to dealbreakers.

 

I can only speak for myself when I say that I am liberal minded and may not enforce every dealbreaker I have. It depends on how many dealbreakers she's violating at the same time. I am willing to give some leeway if it's just 1 or 2 dealbreakers that she's violating (unless it's cheating or abuse).

[Toni_no12002]

The poster seems like hes trying to find the perfect woman.If you dont date anyone because there not " perfect" in your eyes then your going to be lonely for a very long time.No ones perfect and i doubt that you are.I find people who are different to me interesting.Fair enough having someone whos likes the same things as you to a certain extent but if they like different things you can learn things from them and maybe see things in a different light.

 

You say that youd never date anyone whos plain looking without make up.Where all plain with out make up.I never wear make up and id say im plain but my bf likes me so im happy.You can find a perfect woman and think shes wonderful but most people fall in love with people with flaws.Its what makes them different and stand out.

[DeeBrod83]

I would not date a guy who:

-Treats women like objects, not people

-Doesn't make me laugh

-Doesn't take life and himself seriously (ie has an additions, doesn't work hard, etc).

-Can't have a serious conversation

-Doesn't have manners (Put the Darn seat down, please!)

-Doesn't treat me like I'm special

-Doesn't make me want him.... ie doesn't turn me on physically

 

I know the last one sounds shallow, but seriously, I have to want to have sex with the guy right?! Otherwise we can just be good friends!

Note for SilentType: if you're standards are so strict, and seemingly shallow, good luck ever letting yourself fall in love. So what if she had sex when she was younger? Are you with the person she is today, or the one she was in college??