Dealbreakers

[TheSilentType]

I'm 24. Though I probably seem like I was born in 1950 from the way I speak about girls having sex. But like I said, I apply the same standards to guys.

 

Anyways, everyone stop getting hung up on one thing I said. It's just what one person prefers, and not all guys are like that. Some guys like the girls who've had 25 partners, partners which included the junkie with no job who smoked marijuana all day and the others losers out there. I raise my beer glass to you guys, and hope you are enjoying the tricks they taught your partner.

[lindya]

Chances are that for a woman who has had a lot of partners, not every partner truly cared for her. Are you going to tell me that a woman who has had many partners, that all those guys were great guys who loved her? Maybe a few of them were one-night stands or FWBs. In any case, she was just a quick receptacle for some horny guy, he got what he wanted, and then he merrily moved on to his next conquest. Call me whatever you want, but these women are hardly class acts.

 

It depends on how you define class. Some people are simply more highly charged, sexually, than others. Then there's the fact that people lie about their sexual experiences, portray themselves as something they're not and generally approach the whole matter of romance in a dishonest manner. Why? Because they're afraid of other people's judgements.

 

A class act? Melanie in Gone With The Wind. Stopping to communicate with a prostitute - contrary to all social taboos of that time. Treating her as another human being and not caring what anybody else chose to think about her for doing so. Not attempting to elevate herself above another person by sitting in judgement about her lifestyle.

 

A low class act? Not the prostitute, but Scarlett o' Hara...who was a prostitute at heart, but tried to disguise the fact by assuming ladylike airs and looking down on those women who dared to be open and honest about their sexual behaviour.

[TheSilentType]

Ugh! Why did you have to bring prostitutes into this. Some do it out of desperation, and some have choices but rather do it. In any case, they are being paid for what they do and are doing it to survive. I would not want to be with them but I would not look down upon them to the extent that I would women who have been on a free for all all their life.

 

But your everyday woman who has jumped from one guy to another...no thank you. I have no respect for them and don't want to sleep with some of the previous sleezeballs they've been with. Give me someone who has made relatively good decisions about the partners they've been with (1 bad guy is sort of ok since no one can be completely perfect), and I can deal with it.

[lindya]

Ugh! Why did you have to bring prostitutes into this. I don't judge prostitutes. I feel sorry for them. Some do it out of desperation, and some have choices but rather do it. In any case, they are being paid for what they do and are doing it to survive. Still, I would not want to be with them but I would not look down upon them.

 

So it's acceptable for a woman to have had a number of sexual partners out of desperation (or, in some cases, greed) for money, but it's not acceptable for a woman to have had a lot of sexual experience because she happens to enjoy it?

 

Perhaps sexually experienced women scare you a little. Maybe it's a little unnerving to contemplate what kind of judgements such women might make about you?

[stoopid_guy]

I'm 24. Though I probably seem like I was born in 1950 from the way I speak about girls having sex. But like I said, I apply the same standards to guys.

Really? No offense intended, but I was assuming 18-20.

 

And be sure to apply the same standards to yourself. It's as much being the right person as finding the right person.

[TheSilentType]

Really? No offense intended, but I was assuming 18-20.

 

And be sure to apply the same standards to yourself. It's as much being the right person as finding the right person.

 

None taken. I'm curious why you would think I'm 18-20. Is their something naive about what I'm saying? Trust me, I haven't stated further why I don't want to be with someone who has many partners. I want to withhold that information because I don't want to dwell on this issue and because when it comes to it it only matters to me.

 

Like I said, if other people don't care for how many partners someone has had, and what type of people those partners were, good for them. One man's trash is another man's treasure

[Walk]

I've dated a couple guys who have slept with several dozen women, and I've dated a few guys who have had 3-9 partners. I didn't see a difference. Ran the gamut of good and bad. The ones who had numerous partners weren't "Worse", they weren't "better". It was completely based upon the individual and I never saw a correlation between numbers of partners. I would actually say the guy with the least, was the worst. ha ha. (in moral character, I'm not talking about sexual acts.)

 

Oh, wait.. I forgot.. men can be sluts and that's respected. In fact, God forbid a woman use and abuse a guy for being a male slut. Then she's a slut. Yet you are not? So you judge someone unworthy, yet deny that that aspect of yourself is present. They are wrong for it, yet you are not? Why?

[stoopid_guy]

I'm curious why you would think I'm 18-20. Is their something naive about what I'm saying?

OK, I think as people age they make a transition from "idealism" to "realism." That transition usually seems to happen late teens to very early 20's. You seem to be very solidly "idealistic."

 

(I'm an old fart, 42. The only thing that matters much to me is how happy we are together.)

[TheSilentType]

I'm sorry, but I don't quite see how I'm being idealistic by wanting to be with someone who doesn't have so many partners.

 

Idealism would be to expect someone who is a virgin.

 

Does realistic in these days mean that you should expect to marry someone whose had 12, 20, 30 partners? I don't what to say to that. Maybe I'll just have to convert to Islam and go to the Middle East so that I don't get stuck with some wannabe porn star whose been boinked by every mongrel under the sun

[TheSilentType]

I'm not sure how this thread got so off topic! I say one little thing, and it gets blown up. I still stand by it.

 

Anyways, what are your dealbreakers? Try to mention things that are not obvious (someone with bad odor...). It's just a given that most people would consider these things a dealbreaker. Mention things that might uniquely be a dealbreaker to you

[britchick]

The Silent Type - You might stand a better chance of meeting a "perfect woman" if you were a lot closer to perfect yourself.

[stoopid_guy]

Does realistic in these days mean that you should expect to marry someone whose had 12, 20, 30 partners? I don't what to say to that. Maybe I'll just have to convert to Islam and go to the Middle East so that I don't get stuck with some wannabe porn star whose been boinked by every mongrel under the sun

Wasn't talking about that specifically, it just seems to be a long and somewhat detailed list. There are some items that I simply can't imagine why they'd matter. For example; "Grew up with rich parents."

[Adunaphel]

I'm sorry, but I don't quite see how I'm being idealistic by wanting to be with someone who doesn't have so many partners.

 

Idealism would be to expect someone who is a virgin.

 

Does realistic in these days mean that you should expect to marry someone whose had 12, 20, 30 partners? I don't what to say to that. Maybe I'll just have to convert to Islam and go to the Middle East so that I don't get stuck with some wannabe porn star whose been boinked by every mongrel under the sun

 

How many girls have you slept with?

Just out of curiosity.

 

If I had to guess from reading your posts, I'd say with very few, if any at all.

 

The majority of girls who have had few partners would *not* be positively impressed with the way you speak about women who have had many.

[TheSilentType]

There are some items that I simply can't imagine why they'd matter. For example; "Grew up with rich parents."

 

It's just my impression that these people have been spoon fed most of their lives, and have a sense of entitlement such that they would feel I have to support their every whim. I won't accept that for one second, and the only entitlement they'll have with me is a kick in the ass to the curb if they expect me to get them Prada handbags even though I could afford it.

 

Of course with all generalizations, there are exceptions. And I would gladly be in a relationship with the exception.

 

But I'll be damned if I tolerate some spoiled person for one minute. Give me someone who can understand hardship and having to earn your way through life.

[Pink Amulet]

Well then you should cross that one off your list for the sake of exceptions. The 'dealbreaker' tag tends to imply, it is non-tolerable, and without question.

 

I personally grew up in a fairly wealthy household, and I have also been told by many, that I am one of the most grounded people they know.

 

I certainly would not expect anyone (including my parents) to buy me frivolous materialistic items aka. a prada hand bag. When I want something, I buy it myself.

[TheSilentType]

Why is it such an issue what ONE GUY wants? So I don't want to be with a person whose had so many partners. so what. Other guys don't care.

 

Like I said, "One man's trash is another man's treasure." There are plenty of guys that would love to sleep with you, Tom, Dick, Harry, and that guy whose name you don't know but woke up in bed after that one time you were drunk.

[lindya]

Why is it such an issue what ONE GUY wants? So I don't want to be with a person whose had so many partners. so what. Other guys don't care.

 

It's unlikely that anybody here really cares what your personal deal-breakers are. People are just encouraging you to be a bit more broad-minded and start challenging your own perceptions, which is part of what this board is about.

[TheSilentType]

So I have my own standards for what I am looking for. But when I don't accept other peoples' standards, then I am not being broad-minded?

 

This is a very similar type of argument that occurs among inter-religious debates - you're only broad-minded when you acknowledge the other sides' point.

 

I know what I want. And girls who've had a lot of partners are unacceptable. Repetitive behavior creates habits, and habits are hard to break.

 

I'm going to have my fun with these girls and then kick them to the curb. It won't hurt them like it would hurt a more decent girl. Heck, I'll just be another number to them.

[Adunaphel]

Why is it such an issue what ONE GUY wants? So I don't want to be with a person whose had so many partners. so what. Other guys don't care.

 

Like I said, "One man's trash is another man's treasure." There are plenty of guys that would love to sleep with you, Tom, Dick, Harry, and that guy whose name you don't know but woke up in bed after that one time you were drunk.

 

There's *nothing* wrong with not wanting as girlfriend, or boyfriend, someone who has had many sexual partners (many=whatever number you are confortable with).

 

It is the harsh way that you are talking about them that could be perceived as offensive (not just by them, also by many other people that could include your dream girl), and calling them "disposable" makes you sound like a very bad person.

I'm not saying that you are evil, I don't know you.

But I'm sure that your ideal girl would think very badly of anyone who makes a comment such as the "use, abuse and drop" one.

[Adunaphel]

 

I'm going to have my fun with these girls and then kick them to the curb. It won't hurt them like it would hurt a more decent girl. Heck, I'll just be another number to them.

 

It would hurt them more.

[lindya]

So I have my own standards for what I am looking for. But when I don't accept other peoples' standards, then I am not being broad-minded?

 

Yes, that's pretty much what I'm saying.

 

Obviously there are some standards that are pretty universally unacceptable....eg behaviours that specifically aim to hurt others and are generally destructive. When it comes to sexual, religious and moral preferences, however - yes, I'd say that being broad-minded involves accepting that not everyone has the same standards as you.

 

If you don't want to be with someone who has slept with a lot of people, there's nothing wrong with that. I actually happen to feel the same way, but that's just a personal preference. The problems come in when you start to have very negative thoughts and feelings about people who don't share your preferences. When a sense of moral superiority creeps in. There's just no need for it. It's possible to be happy with who you are, without having to denigrate others who don't share your lifestyle choices.

[justagirliegirl]

It is just that you are coming across as very young, naive, and very insecure with your list.

 

I suspect the real reason you can't deal with a girl who has had many partners and enjoys sex is that you feel you wouldn't measure up in bed.

 

If you find a naive virgin then she will think you are all that because she doesn't know any different.

[stoopid_guy]

Surely, you expect comments like "I'm going to have my fun with these girls and then kick them to the curb. It won't hurt them like it would hurt a more decent girl. Heck, I'll just be another number to them" and "There are plenty of guys that would love to sleep with you, Tom, Dick, Harry, and that guy whose name you don't know but woke up in bed after that one time you were drunk" to get a negative reaction.

 

The ladies will "give you what for" for those, so I won't.

 

One more comment though on how many previous partners she's had; When you meet a lady, you have no clue. If you see a lady in the check-out line, there's no way you're going to know if she's a virgin, a "slut," or somewhere in between. Until you get to know her well, she's probably not going to tell you either. So what's going to happen if you meet her, she shows you that beautiful smile, you go out a few times, fall madly in love, then find she's had "too many" partners?

[TheSilentType]

So what's going to happen if you meet her, she shows you that beautiful smile, you go out a few times, fall madly in love, then find she's had "too many" partners?

 

 

I'd be disappointed, but I'd still give her the boot. After the honeymoon period of a romance ends, things become mundane. Even if I accepted it in the beginning, I wonder if I would start thinking about it later on when things become mundane. Things might start to unravel then. So why not nip it in the bud early?

 

I would do what I would to anyone who has done a negative repetitive behavior - slept with many partners, done drugs repeatedly - I'd kick them to the curb. I'd first thank them for being honest with me and tell them they are better off being someone else who can appreciate them. No one's loss.

 

There's not only one person out there for anyone. I can find someone else who I can be madly in love with. If they feel the same way, great.

 

Consistent behaviors create habits, and bad habits are hard to break. Let the quality men have the town bicycle.

[Pink Amulet]

What is "too many" partners for you? Do you have some kind of age:sexual partners ratio? Or is it a set figure?