Can't really Talk to My Wife . . .Looking for Folks to talk with

[TheDiva]

that finds that google ad on the side of the page kind of funny.....

 

"Husband kills wife: Why?"

 

Sorry for the TJ carry on......

 

 

Edit: The ad recycled....am I the only one that saw it?

[CynicalP]

CynicalP,

 

 

 

We, as men, would like to think that the ONE activity a husband/wife share that truly makes them different than a room-mate (yes. . . .love making) would be important enough for a woman to pay attention to it as a need/a priority in a marriage . . . .especially when the husband is saying he's very unhappy with the situation.

 

To me, it seems our society is instructing women that it is okay ignore the needs of the husband. After all the husband is being unreasonable with his

over active libido. The husband is being insensitive to her needs. He is overbearing and placing an additional stressor in the marriage by asking for a little love and attention for himself. Is a man's unhappiness even relevant?

 

 

My wife said she was unhappy with the $70,000 I made as the provider for the family. What did I do, spent a year and a half looking for another job that paid much better.

 

In other words, I heard her REQUEST of me for her needs and I RESPONDED because I love her.

 

WB

 

Hmm, $70,000 is a very comfortable salary in most regions of the US. If I were in your shoes I would feel darn resentful that she even imply your not earning enough. I think you need to book your wife a vaction to Africa or another third world country, and perhaps she would realize just how fortunate she is to have a man who bust his balls to provide the comfortable living she seems to take for granted.

[directx]

Tell her to go F herself, tell her how things are going to be, like not being a materialistic ass. When you want to have sex and she doesn't, dig out some porn right in front of her and get yourself off.

This woman needs a wake up call.

[honeybunch2k5]

@CynicalP I totally agree. We live in a feminist era where a man is supposed to do everything for the woman, but the woman has to do nothing in return.

 

I am wondering. Wantedbetter, how often does your wife give you a footrub, brought home a gift for you, etc?

 

. I think sex would fall under the category of "Spending time with my Honey" not "To do list."

 

I totally agree that wife may be a little insensitve. I think she should be very appreciative she has a guy who will go out and find a 6 figure income just b/c she says so and not feel offended when he already had a really good job.

 

Is she still trying to do the home projects? Send her down to where I live. People here are living in Fema trailers and have been for a year. Maybe seeing that in person will make her grateful she has a house, period.

[wantedbetter]

I agree with you folks on the salary thing. $70,000 a year was only stressful in our home because of the constant fights because I refused to live in debt. Wanting a better marriage, I figured if she saw the sacrifices I was willing to make for her . . . .she'd be willing to "sacrifice" as well by making love to me more often (isn't that incredible that we'd call that a friggin' SACRIFICE!!!)

 

I've learned there are just "gimme, gimme, gimme" people in this world and it sucks when you're married to one. In other words, you CAN'T make them happy.

 

I wasn't resentful the first time around in changing jobs . . . . .I got DAMN lucky with my current one because most companies require 100% dedication to THEM (in other words, they tell you, screw your family, look what we're paying YOU) when they pay you what I get paid now . . . .this company doesn't do this, so I still get to be a dad/husband!!! But now that $135,000 doesn't seem to be enough . . . .I'm VERY resentful.

 

WB

[honeybunch2k5]

Does she at least do other things for you like bring flowers, say nice things, etc?

[Walk]

My question is what are the wife's obligations?

 

Very little of what I read suggest the woman has any responsibility in the matter. This seems to me a highly lopsided and imbalance proposition in favor of the wife.

 

Sadly, it seems there is nothing a husband can provide a wife that would justify in her mind a sense of obligation to reserve an once of energy and a moment of her time to satisfy some of her husband's sexual needs. Who would have guessed that scrubing a toilet bowl is less of a hassle or chore then providing the man she claims she loves some sexual release.

 

Is it any wonder men turn to either porn or seek outside the marriage for relief.

 

I agree that it's not up to the man to make a relationship work. That includes the sexual aspect. But no one (at least not from what I've read) has suggested the woman has no obligations. YOU are here seeking advice for a problem you can't work out with your wife. So people give you advice on things YOU could do in an attempt to make it better. YOU wanted suggestions.

 

We can't very well talk to your wife unless you put here on here can we???

 

If she were on here, we'd give her an earload about what she needs to do in order to get whatever needs met that she feels aren't being met. We would suggest the things she needs to do for you, ways she could approach you, ways she needs to change, and to start giving more in order to receive more from you...

 

Don't, please don't, make it out that women are a bunch of hypocrites because YOU asked for suggestions/advice on how to handle a problem. We obviously can't talk to her... We can't suggest ways she can change... we don't even know WHY she doesn't desire sex with you. So either put your wife on here. Or you gotta keep making changes until you strike on something that works.

 

I'm not saying this to be mean, or jump your **** for what you said. I agree that it's not your responsibilty to cater to your wife's every whim in order to get your need met once every two months. But you asked for advice/suggestions so we direct any change or actions toward what you can do...

 

That is why everything regarding advice on this is directed toward what YOU should do. We have no contact or influence on your wife's thinking or behavior.

[CynicalP]

Does she at least do other things for you like bring flowers, say nice things, etc?

 

No kidding, your relationship sounds like a give and take relationship, You give and she takes and takes and takes. Does she not reciprocate in any way, shape, or form that you provide for her? Truely she cannot not be the totally ungratful, selfish, person you make her out to be. There has to be some redeeming qualities here that helps you tolerate such a one sided affair.

[Hard2Think]

Yes, it definitely does happen. My wife was exactly like that. It got to the point where she told me to stop bringing it up already. I tolerated it because I loved her and because we have kids together.

 

But I did go out and have an affair. I know it was my choice to do that and that she can't be held responsible for my actions - but she certainly didn't seem to sex and intimacy was all that important .. until I had sex and intimacy another. Then it was of paramount importance once she found out.

 

 

No kidding, your relationship sounds like a give and take relationship, You give and she takes and takes and takes. Does she not reciprocate in any way, shape, or form that you provide for her? Truely she cannot not be the totally ungratful, selfish, person you make her out to be. There has to be some redeeming qualities here that helps you tolerate such a one sided affair.

[portableversion]

would make me very bored with it.

 

It would go on the 'list' with the toilet scrubbing.

[CynicalP]

would make me very bored with it.

 

It would go on the 'list' with the toilet scrubbing.

 

 

Who said anything about five times a week. I would settle for once a week. Twice a week would be my personal preference. Once every quater/half a year is unacceptable.

 

If you consider sex such a chore then please have the decency to allow your significant other to option to seek sexual satisfaction outside the marriage. If it's not important to you why impose that belief upon your signicifant other?

[CynicalP]

I'm not saying this to be mean, or jump your **** for what you said. I agree that it's not your responsibilty to cater to your wife's every whim in order to get your need met once every two months. But you asked for advice/suggestions so we direct any change or actions toward what you can do...

 

That is why everything regarding advice on this is directed toward what YOU should do. We have no contact or influence on your wife's thinking or behavior.

 

I think you have confused me with the OP, I am not really seeking other people's advice; although I do share the same issue as him. I 'm just commenting on what I see as common societal theme. In fact I think the OP has a much deeper issue with his wife then just not getting nookie on a regular basis.

[Walk]

I think you have confused me with the OP, I am not really seeking other people's advice; although I do share the same issue as him. I 'm just commenting on what I see as common societal theme. In fact I think the OP has a much deeper issue with his wife then just not getting nookie on a regular basis.

 

You said you have researched this, and came to the conclusion that nearly everything was related to what a "man" had to do in order to get some nooky from his wife. And how unfair that was. i'm just stating that the person who looks for the answers to a problem, will probably be the one doing a majority of the work to come up with a solution to the problem.

 

It wasn't anything against you... I know how frustrating it is to feel like your needs are put secondary, while the other person continues to ask of you. But at the same time... There aren't too many routes you can take once in that situation. Either try everything you've got to resolve the problem, or leave the relationship, or stay in a comfortable unhappiness. I know the last thing I want to do after I feel I've given so much with little in return, is give even more. But sometimes that's what it takes, to keep at it til something jars and you're able to find a way to resolve the issue.

[CynicalP]

You said you have researched this, and came to the conclusion that nearly everything was related to what a "man" had to do in order to get some nooky from his wife. And how unfair that was. i'm just stating that the person who looks for the answers to a problem, will probably be the one doing a majority of the work to come up with a solution to the problem.

 

It wasn't anything against you... I know how frustrating it is to feel like your needs are put secondary, while the other person continues to ask of you. But at the same time... There aren't too many routes you can take once in that situation. Either try everything you've got to resolve the problem, or leave the relationship, or stay in a comfortable unhappiness. I know the last thing I want to do after I feel I've given so much with little in return, is give even more. But sometimes that's what it takes, to keep at it til something jars and you're able to find a way to resolve the issue.

 

 

Sexless marriage is a common problem. It seems that therapists and counselors seem to put the problem squarely on the Man's shoulder and want to absolve the wife. Clearly the man is not pushing the woman's buttons for getting her hot and bothered. If only he would do more around the house to alleviate stress in her life, or shower more gifts upon her to show his affection, or set up the right mood and an atmosphere. Clearly I dont read enough, hey Lady you need to diddle yourself and imagine your man is Fabio and boff him more often.

 

With my situation I have several choices. I can suffer in silence and deal with it (that is what porn is for). I can leave, but in order for me to do that I would lose my kids and you know it's a raw deal the courts rule in favor of women. Another option it to seek relief outside the marriage, but our society has deem this unacceptable. Women tend to get upset and feel betrayed if their man, who have no other outlet, goes out and seeks comfort with other women.

 

There certainly no easy answers. Though it is always therapeutic just to lay it all out on the table for others to gawk at.

[Walk]

With my situation I have several choices. I can suffer in silence and deal with it (that is what porn is for). I can leave, but in order for me to do that I would lose my kids and you know it's a raw deal the courts rule in favor of women. Another option it to seek relief outside the marriage, but our society has deem this unacceptable. Women tend to get upset and feel betrayed if their man, who have no other outlet, goes out and seeks comfort with other women.

 

I think that's changing now... Maybe not so that it's "equal" yet.. but it is changing. My brother got his kids with no problems. And his exW pays child support.

 

Also, When I went to marriage counseling with the exH the counselor made it out to be entirely my ex's fault. Or rather, focused entirely on my ex. Not so sure he was pointing fingers, or he was just testing us to see if our reactions to the situation... But frankly, 99% of what the counselor was telling my ex, was exactly what *I* had been saying for 3 years. For some reason my ex could NOT understand me. No matter how I said it, how many times, nothing I tried worked. He refused to understand. But dang, the counselor said it once... and suddenly he was all "I'm so sorry honey.. I was such an ass. Don't leave me, I love you.. I can't live without you." blah blah blah...

 

There is a point to all this, somewhere in this ramble.. sometimes your wife is saying what's wrong, and because women's minds work different then men, then men don't hear what women are saying. And when men speak, women don't understand what men are saying. Women are full of innuendo's and double speak, and caging their words to sound like a question of unimportance when in reality she desperately needs it... Men act, they're blunt mostly, less feelings and more doing. Hard to communicate sometimes.

 

And sometimes people don't want to break out of their comfy mindset until they realize they're about to lose everything.

[Guest]

Wantedbetter,

 

I just wanted to say that I have not related more to a thread than this one. I GET IT! Let me just say that my wife once asked me how much more foreplay she had to tolerate. Whenever we make love it is as if it is a chore. Never does she compliment me.

 

I make over $700,000 per year and work my ass off and it does not matter. I give her back rubs just about 4 or 5 times a week and more if she wanted. She decorates, buys clothes, spends tons of money on dog treats, rarely ever thinks about what something cost and for that matter rarely thinks about me and my feelings. Most of the time she talks down to me and is nasty to me even when I am trying to do something nice for her. She never shows me affection, never touches me, she is cold as ice and always seems unhappy. Now that I am reading back over this I am thinking what the hell and I doing here? I think that if I made 7,000,000 it would not be any different. All of this and I stay. Hoping that she will wake up. I am not perfect but I try to be a better person. I look for ways to make her happy, I enjoy making her happy. That seems like a wierd thought I would think, if it were in her mind. It seems there is nothing I can do to do that. I am afraid it is up to her, and that makes me even more afraid, because she does not try much to make things better.

 

I guess she is depressed, I guess she needs help, I think she could use some real friends, I think a job would do her a lot of good. I think she is stuck in her rotten life. Her mother is wealthy, so I guess when she is done with me she can continue being taken care of. I should give her a big kick in the ass, but I am afraid she might leave me. Is there something wrong with this picture? I love my three children and do not want to disrupt their lives and I want to be with them. I would love to be with my wife if she could find the person she use to be and talk with me but she does not like to talk with me much anymore.

 

Anyway here is one more on the list who can not talk to their wife anymore!

[wantedbetter]

Alot of us guys like me and CynicalP come to these boards mostly to "let off some steam". As was said, none you you know our wives and all that's going on in our homes. You know our situations through what we've written.

 

I'll search out a board like this generally after it's been like three or four weeks since my wife and I last made love, I'll have gotten all the kids in bed, I'll go take a shower, put on cologne, light some candles and then my wife will say no. Frustration will usually bubble over at that point and we'll fight (which, of course, I know, isn't going to put her in the mood - but my anger is just too strong to keep in)

 

As CynicalP said, we'll then usually turn to our porn, get that physical release which is an extremely POOR substitute from what we really wanted and then , a guy like me is going to just want to talk.

 

We really can't talk to our guy friends, because all guys fake that they're the king-studs of their bedrooms where their wives are literally waiting for them to come through the door so the cab rip their clothes off.

 

Smart guys know you can't talk to women or it can just lead down paths where things will happen where you'll lose your kids in the divorce ( and I stopped short a few years ago of handing my wife THAT loaded gun when I walked away from an offer from a female friend)

 

So we turn to boards like this to talk and be heard. I have to say, this has been the nicest place to come talk vs others, because again as my kindred spirit CynicalP said, so many of them exist to blame the husband/man if the marital problem is a sexual one. In almost every other area of marital strife posters are willing to discuss the possibility of either partner bearing responsibility for the problem. When it comes to sex, though, it's pretty much always, "Well, what are you doing to her to make her this way?" or " You have to try . . . . . . ." or "You're one of these sex-obessed slobs who's fat and sits on the coach with your remote while she does EVERYTHING, and then when shes done with all the chores you want her to turn into your sex-slave, aren't you?!?!"

 

That stuff is just a kick in the groin to a guy already down.

 

WB

[honeybunch2k5]

Wantedbetter, please tell me your wife is at least affectionate in other ways. Does she ever hug and kiss you, bring you something nice, foot rubs, etc?

[JamesM]

And the funny thing is that we can clean the house, take care of the children, do the laundry, and clean the dishes....sit down, relax and expect a "way to go, honey, I love you." Then we get the "What do you expect...the band to play?" or "Now I suppose you think I will want to have sex with you?"

 

So, we don't get sex, because we don't do enough around the house to help, but if we do, then she doesn't want to have sex, because she feels that it is only payment for doing things around the house. Which leads us back to the couch, because we don't get sex either way. At least we get some enjoyment on the couch.

 

My wife needs time with me to be connected, yet I have silently monitored that date nights rarely end in matrimonial intimacy. She needs help around the house so that she feels relaxed, yet this rarely leads to sex.

 

What I don't get is that she doesn't get it. "Pay" me in sex and enjoy it, and I can guarantee that I will help even more. No, I don't want payment, but heck, I know that I can be manipulated that way.

 

It comes down to priority. I need sex to be connected to her; she needs my time to be connected to me. The two CAN meet...and fortunately they do on occasion.

[Ladyjane14]

So we turn to boards like this to talk and be heard. I have to say, this has been the nicest place to come talk vs others, because again as my kindred spirit CynicalP said, so many of them exist to blame the husband/man if the marital problem is a sexual one. In almost every other area of marital strife posters are willing to discuss the possibility of either partner bearing responsibility for the problem. When it comes to sex, though, it's pretty much always, "Well, what are you doing to her to make her this way?" or " You have to try . . . . . . ." or "You're one of these sex-obessed slobs who's fat and sits on the coach with your remote while she does EVERYTHING, and then when shes done with all the chores you want her to turn into your sex-slave, aren't you?!?!"

 

The reason people make these kind of suggestions is to help you find ways to engage your women emotionally.

 

Your woman is NOT a weenie-less man.

Her biochemical make-up is DIFFERENT from yours.

 

This is very much connected to a woman's fertility. Young women in their 20's generally have plenty of androgens as well as estrogen and progesterone in production. They are at the hight of their fertility.

 

Testosterone, which is the hormone most recognized as affecting libido, is something like 80% produced in the ovaries along with estrogen and progesterone. As a woman ages.... her ovaries begin to gradually shut down until finally she hits menopause. The loss of testosterone production can begin in the 30's, particularly in the event of perimenopause or when a woman is using birth control that interferes with hormone production.

 

This is NATURAL for women.

There are ebbs and tides in our sexuality.

 

Losing testosterone isn't pleasant for us. It causes problems, and not just in our relationships either.

 

In men and women, testosterone helps:

 

Build and promote muscle tone

 

Maintain energy

 

Decrease fatigue

 

Increase sex drive

 

Enhance well-being

 

Aid in the formation of new bone

 

Right now, there IS discussion of using prescription testosterone methods to improve libido for women, but I'm not aware that it's been approved by the FDA for that purpose yet. Here is one such article discussing it:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/09/19/AR2005091901235.html

 

Soooo.... this isn't necessarily a matter of women bartering chores for sex, or weaponizing it. While there are doubtless some who do, I personally haven't met one. Generally, women who have experienced a loss of libido aren't thinking a whole lot about sex. Their attention to it is occasional, because their impetus is occasional. For example, just before menstruation or ovulation... we'll get a little boost of hormones that might nudge us out of our sexual apathy.

 

The things that have been suggested to you here on this thread aren't meant to minimize your problem. Rather, they're designed to help you bypass the fertility system and utilize a woman's emotions. Doing this... helps you to engage the adrenal system.

 

JamesM has improved his situation dramatically by discovering his wife's thyroid function was affecting her hormones. After an adjustment to her medication... he's noticed that his wife has some gain in libido. It's not all there, but then again... the majority of hormones affecting libido are produced by the ovaries. The adrenals make up some... but not the bulk.

 

Still, a woman who is experiencing 'in love' feelings, also experiences an increase in libido. The same neurotransmitters, things like dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin.... that affect ailments like depression can work to YOUR advantage. These are messengers to the brain in the form of amino acids.

 

Why do you think YOU want sex so much anyway? It's because that dopamine is good sh*t!

 

In essence.... what you're trying to do when you bypass the fertility system, is to serve up the dopamine up to your woman first by engaging her emotional responses. Then, you get yours after.

 

I think perhaps we are sort of naturally bound to have this male/female conflict.... particularly at the midlife. As a man enters midlife he oftentimes craves for dopamine. It's a nice little band-aid while his body is realigning it's chemical balance. Hence the midlife affair, the little red sports car, and all those other cliches.

 

Meanwhile back at the ranch, for his same-age partner, the fertility system is shutting down and shutting off his best source of cultivating dopamine, the female libido and passionate sex.

 

The good news is that there are ways around all that, and ways to stay together if BOTH partners are willing to understand and accept each other's needs and limitations. It's never going to be perfect, and for men who are feeling the lack of sexual intimacy in their relationship... it's a TRIAL to get a woman to understand the importance of the issue. But once he really gets through to her though... it can end up working nicely for both husband and wife.

[wantedbetter]

Honeybunch,

 

Yes, my wife does do those things for me occasionally.

 

The ratio per month is about:

 

me for her: 10 times or so - her for me: about twice

 

Remember- as LadyJane just so eloquently reminded me . . . .I'm trying to stir up her dopamine through non-sexual affection and conversation. I DO see value in that ( with my hidden agenda ) but so far (at least counting these last ten years) it hasn't panned out the way some of you ladies have implied that it should when I follow your advice. Oh, well, maybe one day!

 

WB

[Ladyjane14]

. . . .I'm trying to stir up her dopamine through non-sexual affection and conversation. I DO see value in that ( with my hidden agenda ) but so far (at least counting these last ten years) it hasn't panned out the way some of you ladies have implied that it should when I follow your advice. Oh, well, maybe one day!

 

 

It never does work perfectly kiddo.

We aren't perfect people, and the 'in love' feelings that you're attempting to generate can't be sustained full-time. Otherwise, people would STARVE to death from spending all of their time staring googly-eyed at one another and NEVER get anything done.

 

What's worse.... it doesn't work at all if the woman has a 'chip on her shoulder' regarding sex. Resentments need to be resolved first if this is the case, and a new attitude, geared toward EN fulfillment for BOTH partners, has to be developed.

 

It's not easy to get a woman to change her 'tude once she's convinced that her husband only has ONE AGENDA. She feels used. She feels minimized as a person... reduced to a servicable 'hole'. But then again, it's not easy for the man to realign his previous mindset either. He feels rejected and used too... as a meal-ticket or paycheck in most cases.

 

Somebody has to be the first to change though. And unforunately, it usually falls to the one who most wants resolution to the problem to initiate that change.

[honeybunch2k5]

While on the subject of dopamine...

 

Maybe your wife should start lifting weights or something. That's supposedly good to stave off muscle loss in middle aged women and increase dopamine flowing through the body. It was just a thought, it works for me....

 

10:2 does not seem like a good ratio to me, she doesn't seem that affectionate either. She probably just thinks you only want sex and not intimacy. Well, being so nice doesn't seem to work.

 

@Hard2think. Sorry about your situation. The first thing I thought of was the scene in American Beauty.Tthe woman won't have sex with Kevin Spacey. He takes care of it himself and suddenly she's so interested in why he was doing what he was doing. Puhleaz!:rollseyes:

[Guest]

OK...gonna pack up the computer and bring it in....

 

trace this crap back

 

all the text and pix

 

groceries

 

what a stupid decision

 

bye