Am I obligated to sex with overweight husband?

[worriedsick]

Oh so you don't have a problem with his infidelity either, saying it has nothing to do with love but agree with the wife that his fat is the bigger issue. And don't mask the whole fat issue with having s*** to do with his health. Even the OP said she's an evil bitch, implying it's all about her horniess level towards him. They both deserve each other. One's a cheater, the other's a shallow bitch.

 

You apparently are illiterate - I have already said I had a problem with the infidelity, as well as a problem with the "innocent" profiles on sex websites. That issue (hopefully) got resolved after a lot of hashing it out. No, I do not condone infidelity and if he ever did it again, I would most definitely leave and never look back. That being said, I tried to do what I felt was right and stayed married to him. I did (and still do) love him very much. As stated in previous posts, if I didn't love him, I wouldn't still be around. I am by no means saying I'm perfect - I am well aware that I have some personality traits he finds less than desirable, but he knew about them when we got together. He also knew how jaded I was when we finally got back together. I really wish that we could go back to the way things were before all of the s*** happened in our relationship, but until someone invents a time machine, that's not gonna happen. I try really, really hard to be a good wife and to support him (apparently another item you chose to ignore in my previous posts). I have tried to encourage him to exercise, I cook healthy, I try to compliment him when he does lose a pound or two, but he still is not putting much effort into it. I think he goes to the gym simply because: 1) We pay for it every month anyway, and 2) So he can say "at least I'm making some sort of effort". I remember a few times he went to the gym and came right back home because he said it was too crowded and he didn't want to wait for machines.

 

I seriously don't know what else to do. I miss the way we used to be and highly doubt that it can ever be fixed. All I'm hoping for now is some kind of peace where we can both be happy. It's not that I ignore all the advice people give here - I have seriously tried every single thing mentioned on here to motivate him to no avail. It just seems like he has given up and doesn't care about himself or my opinion, and I don't know what else to do. So, I am sticking it out and trying to be as positive as I can. I know I come across really mean and hateful here, but to me, this is "imaginary life". What I say here goes nowhere, and it makes me feel a little better to vent. I have never said anything even remotely close to what I've said in my previous posts, and always try to be as kind as possible to him.

 

Anyway, I'm done trying to defend myself. If people don't like the fact that I am unattracted to fat people, too f***ing bad. To each his own!

[a4a]

Well, I apologize for coming across harsh if I did. I don't mingle in the marriage section and have not come across a wife witholding sex because she's repulsed her husband has gained weight. I might not be the best to offer advice. It's too troubling and shalllow in my minority opinion.

 

 

If he repulsed her in some other way it would not be as shallow:

 

Did not shower

Did not brush his teeth

Had long greasy hair he did not wash

smelled

refused to get his teeth fixed that were half knocked out

 

I do not see the difference between this or any physical thing that would repulse a mate. It is not shallow but I prefer a clean smelling man with washed hair and all his teeth. ........ is that shallow too? sheesh!

 

Besides this guy has a pretty sketchy track record at being a good husband.

[a4a]

Worried like I said you need to lay it all out on the table.

 

You cannot be responsible for him....... you can support him.

 

This is all his choice.

[Love Hurts]

Human........ comes with flaws.

He was pregnant with you.. Men do that. It is an expression of inward and outward love for you........... he was pregnant too... After the baby.

you lost yours he gained more........... Content.?

 

Regardless........ you have unconditional love... or that massive heart and flesh would be yours..

Ok ...... so you are human.

Do each of you a favor and set him free.... his fault factor is fat.

Promise the day you tell him you are through. He will pine away for you and loose weight. He will not regain it.. for fear that love and ideal weight are a package deal.

 

Hence you are free ... he is free and he can go onto find someone that would love him through thick and thin.

[worriedsick]

Human........ comes with flaws.

He was pregnant with you.. Men do that. It is an expression of inward and outward love for you........... he was pregnant too... After the baby.

you lost yours he gained more........... Content.?

 

Regardless........ you have unconditional love... or that massive heart and flesh would be yours..

Ok ...... so you are human.

Do each of you a favor and set him free.... his fault factor is fat.

Promise the day you tell him you are through. He will pine away for you and loose weight. He will not regain it.. for fear that love and ideal weight are a package deal.

 

Hence you are free ... he is free and he can go onto find someone that would love him through thick and thin.

 

Whatever, Yoda.

 

I lost my weight after the pregnancy, so why can't he? I guess no one is getting it - I don't want to leave him or I already would have. I just want him to take my feelings into consideration. I guess if he wanted someone who wouldn't mind if he got fat, he should've married either a saint, or a fat girl. I'm tired of everyone attacking me for the way I feel.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I lost my weight after the pregnancy, so why can't he? I guess no one is getting it - I don't want to leave him or I already would have. I just want him to take my feelings into consideration. I guess if he wanted someone who wouldn't mind if he got fat, he should've married either a saint, or a fat girl. I'm tired of everyone attacking me for the way I feel.

 

Hi!

 

I know exactly how you feel in regards to your husband's weight. I have 3 children and I lost all of my pregnancy weight and then some. However, my husband gained weight during MY pregnancies and stayed that way. So yeah, I understand how you may not want to have sex with him.

 

What every one is telling you here (and I have not read every post) is that you need marriage counseling - for HIM to understand how physical attractiveness is an important emotional need for YOU!

 

My husband does try to lose weight. But he's a pretty lazy person in that regard. It is frustrating... I know!

 

Good luck!

[Magister]

You just aren't presenting the "I want you to loose weight" request to him in the right way. The way your doing sounds pretty selfish and uncaring.

 

So, yep, you should definitely have sex with him. Get his heart beating FAST, wear him out. A while he is catching his breath, tell him he doesn't look well. Try to take him to the emergency room, and when he refuses keep at him until he agrees to go to the doctor's office for a check up. The Doctor will tell him he needs to loose weight and you tell him you aren't going to take any chances with his health. And don't have sex with him until he starts going to the gym.

 

Really, he can't argue about your concerns over his health. If he does it doesn't really matter, start crying or something.

[SoleMate]

I guess no one is getting it...I'm tired of everyone attacking me for the way I feel.

Well, WS, I did not attack you. I understood and supported your position. Others were sympathetic and supportive as well. Your repeated claims that "everyone is attacking" have led me to wonder whether you may not suffer from some cognitive distortions, i.e. a thinking process that frequently leads you to see issues as all black vs. white, attack vs. support, obese vs. fit, without acknowledging the nuances and middle ground.

 

How about trying to recharacterize the response you have gotten on LoveShack - accurately? Of all posters or all posts, what percentage are primarily attacking, what percentage are neutral, and what percentage are sympathetic?

 

Is this something you'd be willing to try?

[Lennox]

OP, I couldn't take the time to read ALL the responses so if I am being redundant, please forgive me.

 

I don't think this is really about the weight gain in itself. He cheated on you. That must still hurt you. You want him to make amends and part of that is working on keeping himself physically attractive for you and fit. It sounds like you're really saying "Look asswipe, I took your cheating ass back so the least you can do is lose some weight for me". Was he fit when he cheated?

 

In any event, it's not like you came on here and that was your ONLY complaint against him. You have a major one, his cheating, that you are dealing with as well. Because of that, I cannot judge and condemn you. You stayed with him...and I don't think you're asking for too much.

 

And just to clarify something you said...you stated that if he wanted to get fat and his spouse not mind it, he should have married a saint or a fat girl. Just because a girl is fat does NOT automatically mean they also like fat guys. I have friends that are morbidly obese and they would not touch a fat guy. Girls as a general rule, can be more picky when it comes to such things.

 

Now for you guys that have more to love, I'm not disparaging you in any way. I personally find bigger men sexier and more attractive. If I had to choose, I'd rather do Jack Black than Brad Pitt.

[Mz. Pixie]

You just aren't presenting the "I want you to loose weight" request to him in the right way. The way your doing sounds pretty selfish and uncaring.

 

 

This is bullshxt. She has said that she has done all of those things and it didn't work.

 

It's like telling your kids something. You may start with "Sweetie, don't hit your sister" but by the 100th time you have to tell them you're pissed that they aren't listening. I'm not saying that he's a child but, HE IS NOT HEARING what she is saying.

 

I think worried that you are just resentful of him. He went out and had an affair and continues to post on adult sites, but yet he won't lose weight for you to have a good sex life.

 

Like A said- unconditional love is rare- Okay, so Thumbing my way does have it for his wife ( ) but it's rare.

 

In my first marriage, I could overlook the weight gain, even though it bothered me. And I would have NEVER called him fat or overweight to his face or to anyone else for that matter. She's not doing that either- she's on a forum talking about her feelings!!! Hell, I'd veture to say that all of us post things here we wouldn't say IRL.

 

But when you factor in all the other things it gets harder and harder to put up with!

 

This is not an illness like cancer or a scar or something he couldn't prevent.

He just doesn't care enough to try and lose the weight. I could love my husband through alot of things, but cheating and continuing to post on an adult website is not something I would put up with. That along with the weight gain and the OBVIOUS disrespect for her feelings has crossed the line.

[worriedsick]

Well, WS, I did not attack you. I understood and supported your position. Others were sympathetic and supportive as well. Your repeated claims that "everyone is attacking" have led me to wonder whether you may not suffer from some cognitive distortions, i.e. a thinking process that frequently leads you to see issues as all black vs. white, attack vs. support, obese vs. fit, without acknowledging the nuances and middle ground.

 

How about trying to recharacterize the response you have gotten on LoveShack - accurately? Of all posters or all posts, what percentage are primarily attacking, what percentage are neutral, and what percentage are sympathetic?

 

Is this something you'd be willing to try?

 

I apologize for my mistake. I simply meant that a majority of the responses I got were negative towards me. I do appreciate the support I got from others, but seriously, you shouldn't take it so personally. This isn't real life or anything, simply a message board. As for calculating the percentage of positive and negative responses I have gotten, I don't really have the time to calculate. But if you do, I'd be really thrilled to see the results!

[ronnieromance]

I can sympathize because I went through this. My exhusband was about 100 lbs overweight.

 

100 pounds!? Goddamn!

 

 

 

-R-

[Mz. Pixie]

100 pounds!? Goddamn!

 

 

 

-R-

 

Yeah- he weight like 2 lbs shy of 300 lbs at the time I left him.

[hotgurl]

Yeah- he weight like 2 lbs shy of 300 lbs at the time I left him.

 

I have a friend like that. What I don't inderstand is how people get to that point of being so big. i get gaining some weight even up to 5o lbs. Hell I was about 40 pounds or so overweight but I hated it so much! And I started exercising and lost 12 lbs so far. I have a lot to go. and it's hard to do but still.

 

Don't people get to the point where they realize they are overweight and need to change to lose weight. I really can't understand how people can eat themselves to 300/400 lbs.

[Nur]

I agree with some of the posters here that you are not being shallow at all.

 

You are not thinking of leaving him because he has some wrinkles or gray hair or a bald spot and go running off with a younger man. In fact, you don't even want to leave him at all. You love him, and want to stay with him, and wish he'd be willing to meet you halfway.

 

This is perfectly well in his control, and does not need to happen to everyone. The analogy of stringy, greasy hair or unbrushed teeth is very apt. Allowing yourself to get overweight is a sign of laziness or carelessness. Everyone (unless he has some sort of heart condition) can get some exercise. 30 minutes a day four days a week is all it takes, with the right food (avoid overeating!) and plenty of water. If he wanted to, he could do it.

 

Some people are misinterpreting that you are saying you don't love him anymore. You do. But there is a difference between love and sexual desire. You can love the person he is, and the memories you have with him, but blinding yourself to the rolls of fat hanging off his belly is beyond the call of duty. If you find that unattractive, it is your right to do so. And if he utterly refuses to lift a finger to help himself get healthy if not for him than for you, then you have no obligation to be intimate with him despite your repulsion.

 

It might be harsh, but honesty is usually the best policy. Tell him that seeing him like that is a turn-off and you respect him too much to fake it. He might get mad at first, but eventually he'll either see that you are right and change, or he'll stonewall you and continue with his indifference. If the latter happens, it's time for a councellor.

[ridingthebulls]

That's not half as bad as you've described it.(Ofcourse, minus the Depend Diapers...)

I agree. They are really hyperventilating and going insane over nothing. that first picture looks like the body average of many men I see. Only reason that guy looks so bad is because of his ugly face, glasses, pale skin and diaper.

She says his appearance bothers her! Regardless of whether it's controllable of not, the appearance is unattractive to her! What will happen when baldness, wrinkles, saggy, and even mental conditions set in? My guess is that the bitch will hit the road. Afterall, is an amputation attractive in bed? Nope! Same thing she would feel, only would NEVER say THAT publicly because it will maker her look like the heartless bitch she is.

I don't care if you haven't said those things to his face or not. Even saying them shows the most disrespect in the world. Your mouth is more ulgy and disgusting than he is.

If he's using you for your looks like you claim and just doesn't give a s*** of what he looks like or making you happy, why work it out anyways. But it sounds like you two deserve eachother.

and then you wonder why he goes around on dating websites... geez, lady you give him no emotional warmth! you are asking for it. i dont care if he has one leg left, you married him because you claimed to love him.... but you obviously DONT because physical appearance is coming before emotional here.

you can go on and on and on, but behind every good man is a good woman. i'd like to hear his side of the story.. sounds like you have offered nothing but emotional and physical NEGLECT and then you wonder why he's depressed and seeking loving elsewhere!!!

[Fun2BMe]

I agree. They are really hyperventilating and going insane over nothing. that first picture looks like the body average of many men I see. Only reason that guy looks so bad is because of his ugly face, glasses, pale skin and diaper.

She says his appearance bothers her! Regardless of whether it's controllable of not, the appearance is unattractive to her! What will happen when baldness, wrinkles, saggy, and even mental conditions set in? My guess is that the bitch will hit the road. Afterall, is an amputation attractive in bed? Nope! Same thing she would feel, only would NEVER say THAT publicly because it will maker her look like the heartless bitch she is.

I don't care if you haven't said those things to his face or not. Even saying them shows the most disrespect in the world. Your mouth is more ulgy and disgusting than he is.

If he's using you for your looks like you claim and just doesn't give a s*** of what he looks like or making you happy, why work it out anyways. But it sounds like you two deserve eachother.

and then you wonder why he goes around on dating websites... geez, lady you give him no emotional warmth! you are asking for it. i dont care if he has one leg left, you married him because you claimed to love him.... but you obviously DONT because physical appearance is coming before emotional here.

you can go on and on and on, but behind every good man is a good woman. i'd like to hear his side of the story.. sounds like you have offered nothing but emotional and physical NEGLECT and then you wonder why he's depressed and seeking loving elsewhere!!!

 

I couldn't have said it better myself.

[Guest]

This is bullshxt. She has said that she has done all of those things and it didn't work.

 

It's like telling your kids something. You may start with "Sweetie, don't hit your sister" but by the 100th time you have to tell them you're pissed that they aren't listening. I'm not saying that he's a child but, HE IS NOT HEARING what she is saying.

 

Exactly. It is just like telling your kids to do something. So, if your kids don't do what you tell them, is it alright to start RAGING at them? You'd be labelled as an abuser/heartless as much as this lady is. So she needs to go ahead and stake out her position as the good guy.

 

She already asked him to loose weight, he says no. There is nothing else to say. Accept his decision, but that doesn't mean stop working to get him to change his mind. Put pressure on him. Don't spend anymore time telling the LS community about how this weight thing is an issue for you, tell his friends and family. You know it is going to get back to him.

 

If he is 300+ lbs and he isn't like 7 ft. tall the doctor is definitely going to tell him he is at high risk for diabetes. I know, I've been there. After my trip to the doctor, my grandma called me crying. "Baby, you know I'VE GOT diabetes. Loose that weight, I don't ever feel good. The pains in my leg, oh lord, and you remember when all my fingernail came off."...And so on.

 

So WS, ignore all the bad things being said about you here. Because, really, if he has a stroke because of all that weight... Guess who is supposed to take care of him. "In sickness and health..." He is already sick, stay on him until he starts exercising.

 

If he does get some debilitating illness, you're either going to be wiping his a** for him for a long time or facing a bunch of unwanted guilt if you don't. Nothing wrong with guilt tripping him before he does it to you.

[Magister]

Thought I was logged in...

[Fun2BMe]

Magister, you have it all wrong. The OP is more concerned about his weight affecting her sexual attraction towards him than about his health. She only mentioned the health aspect of it after it was brought to her attention. Your whole nice sounding post is centered around health issues. If her concerns were that big on the health problems associated with the overweight, then she would still be having sex with him.

 

If she loved him unconditionally, she would still want to make love to him. Instead, she has no sex at all because he has gained weight, only when SHE is super horny once in a while, and then she wonders why he is putting ads online soliciting to have no strings attached sex with other women. If she stopped feeding her kid, would it be farfetched if he started to steal food? It is wrong to steal, just as it is wrong to cheat on your wife but to solve problems, you have to examine what triggers them.

[amaysngrace]

Okay, so I have only two words for the OP...Life Insurance, baby. A nice big fat juicy life insurance policy is in order. If he were my hubby, that's what I would do and then I'd give him all the lovin' he's wanting! But without that...nope, sorry, I'd have to pass on sex with his smelly butt.

[Magister]

Notice how well trying to guilt trip her worked. She is still defending her point of view.

 

But really, can anyone say that her husband losing weight is a bad thing? So what if her main reason for wanting him to loose weight is so she can eat dinner without worrying about it coming back up when she sees his body jiggle? If he were making a rational decision about this, he would obviously start exercising.

 

Everybody talks about how great talking your differences out is. BS. Talking never solved anything. She can talk to him about her need to have a phsyically attractive man for the next century, he would still never understand what this is putting her through. That sort of emotional identification might not even be possible. But the great news is, she doesn't have to get him to understand her pain; she just has to get him to lose weight.

 

Given the choice between the carrot or the stick, he is almost certain to choose the carrot as long he can do so and keep his pride.

[Mz. Pixie]

Exactly. It is just like telling your kids to do something. So, if your kids don't do what you tell them, is it alright to start RAGING at them? You'd be labelled as an abuser/heartless as much as this lady is. So she needs to go ahead and stake out her position as the good guy.

 

 

Did you read the whole thread?? She's not raging at him or calling him names to his face?? SHE is VENTING!!! Geeze......

[catgirl1927]

I wonder how many people on here with the above attitude have walked up to a fat person and asked for a dance, a date, anything? I'll bet very few to none! I'm sure the majority on here look at the outside as part of their dating criteria.

 

You know luvmy2ns, I wonder how many of the people on here with that attitude have let themselves go when they were in a relationship. They're pretty defensive about this topic...

[SoleMate]

I wonder how many people on here with the above attitude [recommending unconditional acceptance of obesity] have walked up to a fat person and asked for a dance, a date, anything? I'll bet very few to none! I'm sure the majority on here look at the outside as part of their dating criteria.

Good point, and very true IMO.

 

I wonder how many of the people on here with that attitude have let themselves go when they were in a relationship. They're pretty defensive about this topic...

I think you are right. Let's all look in the mirror folks...how many kept in shape for their wife/husband the same way they did when they were actively seeking a partner?

 

If you DIDN'T keep in shape...do you see any effects of that now?

 

When you were dating before marriage, did you ever discuss about how you would probably start getting sloppy (fat, sweats, boring, frowny potato) once you had your spouse "locked down"?