What do women get from their male friends?

[Fun2BMe]

I hope we don't have any ill feelings between us...

No ill feelings at all. I think she's a little bitch.

[Mary3]

If you strip away all her manipulation and neediness to be your friend then what do you have ? You have someone as fu***ed as she is who genuinely Likes you.

 

It does seem very cruel for her though ( while she may or may not realize it ) to tell someone " You are just my friend " on one hand and then on the other tell you " I miss you so much. Please come over and be with me . Lets have dinner together " That FUC*S with the guys mind alot over a period of time.

 

If you can get some time alone and mentally put her in the friendzone and keep her there then maybe you can be her friend someday. JUST NOT NOW

[Walk]

Back to a more general discussion.....

 

The few guy friends I do have I don't talk to every day, or even every other day. We might go weeks without talking and there's no hurt feelings or professions of "missing" them so much. I might mention I was wondering how they were doing if I hadn't talked to them in a long while (ie. weeks, not just one week) But neither of us talk the way your girl talks.

 

We don't throw emotional baggage into the relationship, and I don't assume his actions have anything to do with me. If we haven't talked in a while, then I assume he's had a lot going on in his life, and I ask how he's doing. I don't accuse him of being mad at me, or ditching me.

 

Also, I feel a person has a duty to protect (as well as possible) the other persons feelings if they develop any. If a guy tells me, either blatantly or through actions, that he is starting to see me as "more than friends" then it's my duty to stop the actions which are leading him to believe that more exists. I also have to respect him enough to realize that it might not be in his best interest to continue the relationship. There might not be anything I can do that wouldn't cause him a great deal of pain, and in that case it would be better just to end the friendship. If one person has feelings for the other, then I don't feel there can be an equal give and take in the friendship. The one with feelings has more invested at that point.

 

I guess I see it as being able to set aside your needs for the emotional health of the other person. And if I am truly their friend, then even if I lose out, if it's going to help that person move forward in their life then I should take those actions to ensure they can. Not hold them back for my own selfish gratification. I don't feel they betrayed me for having feelings and expressing them. I don't attempt to punish the person for having them. I discuss it with them, and "we" come to a conclusion on whether its feasible or possible to continue the friendship without the other person getting hurt.

[alphamale]

Also, I feel a person has a duty to protect (as well as possible) the other persons feelings if they develop any. If a guy tells me, either blatantly or through actions, that he is starting to see me as "more than friends" then it's my duty to stop the actions which are leading him to believe that more exists. I also have to respect him enough to realize that it might not be in his best interest to continue the relationship.

I would agree with this WALK...

[oannamarie]

With a male friend there is no competition. If you have female friends, even though they would never admit to it, there is some competition. Male friends always tell the truth. It seems that female friends tell you what you want to hear most of the time.

[noclobber]

The few guy friends I do have I don't talk to every day, or even every other day. We might go weeks without talking and there's no hurt feelings or professions of "missing" them so much. I might mention I was wondering how they were doing if I hadn't talked to them in a long while (ie. weeks, not just one week) But neither of us talk the way your girl talks.

 

You are always right on Walk

 

Another thing with her emails that I have posted here that makes it more interesting is the fact that we didn't meet each other in person for 1 week. The last time we met was last thursday and yesterday was exactly 1 week. We didn't meet, but we did exchange emails, text messages, and talk on the phone in that 1 week.

 

So all her "miss you" is about not seeing me for a week.

[alphamale]

So all her "miss you" is about not seeing me for a week.

Actually NOCLOBER...her "miss you" is because she's missing having you as her whipping boy or missing manipulating you like a puppet.

[westernxer]

Well anyway, the solution is straight-forward -> Stay away from her.

 

It's about time you saw the light.

 

She'll respect your for being a dickhead. They always do.

[amerikajin]

No Clobber, it goes something like this: fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

 

Once she indicated that you were 'just friends', you should have backed off. You shouldn't continue to befriend her, trying to read between the lines. It's like you keep on shaking that Magic 8 ball, hoping to see 'signs point to yes'. You can keep at it if you wish, but it's a waste of time and you should already know this by now.

[jacknjill]

i have a male friend, and he wants more...but i don't but it's fun because when you have no one to go out with. he is always rushing over to your house to hang out with you at any time. they are always the ones to tell you the worst case scenario so you don't get your hopes up unlike girls who give you the best case scenario and then when it goes bad they say oh well maybe it's just not for you.he also does not like to spread rumors! I'm in high school, so that's all gir;s want to do.as somone else said he likes to have fun and do daring things. For example...my girlfriends want to go tanning, shopping, swimming~and that'sgood for when i feel like being girlish.But when i want to go out and be adventurous, my best guy friend and i will go ride 4 wheelers, go off roading, streaking and stupid little guy things that i enjoy

[Yamaha]

I have a male friend, and he wants more...but i don't. It's fun when you have no one to go out with and he always rushes over to your house to hang out with you at any time.

 

What will you do when he gets up the courage to ask for more? You are enjoying his attention now but he will get tired of your manipulation. Things always have a way of working out. Enjoy your time with him now because it will not last.

[Tinman]

I'm glad I read through this entire thread noclobber. I kept starting another tab to write a scathing rebuttal and then have to cancel it and rewrite it as praise when I came across your next post.

 

I'm glad I waited.

 

Before I say anything else I just want to say I was shocked and amazed to see a poster have the balls to realize that they were wrong. It's very easy to get tunnel vision when our own emotions and lives are concerned and damned difficult to have the will, and perspective to be able to see it from another side; especially when that "other side" isn't favorable to our image of ourselves.

 

You rarely see it in life and you almost never see it on a message board.

 

So before I say anything else I just want to say I'm both seriously impressed, and that you've restored some of my faith in humanity.

 

Now, to your issue.

 

From what I've read I gather that you've figured out that this women has been very clear to you that she only wants to be friends. The fact that you weren't satisfied with that situation and continued the relationship under false pretenses is a problem of your own making. Now, I'm not trying to join the "pile-on" on you, because from what I read you've already stated that you "get it." I'm simply restating this to be sure we're on the same page. As I said, it takes a big man to admit when he's been wrong and you've proved yourself in spades by doing so.

 

Next, others have pointed out that this women, though she has stated repeatedly that she only likes as a friend, is highly desirous of your company. For example, the emails, the frequent "I miss you" etc.

 

Some have stated that this is evidence that, despite not wishing a romantic relationship with you, she is using your attraction as a tool to wrest emotional, if not physical, support from you while maintaining the "we're just friends" situation to deny you any romantic involvement and simply to keep you on a string. Thus, after a week without contact she sends you sappy emails about how she "misses you."

 

That is a moderately plausible explanation; especially if you see male/female relationships on a strictly romantic vs. acquaintance basis.

 

However, I think we've established in this thread that it's perfectly possible to have a male/female relationship where both parties "dig" each other but aren't interested in a romantic relationship. Both parties get something out of the relationship and therefore both parties are happy. If one party wants more.. well that's why we have the phrase "unrequited love" [or unrequited lust] which is a wholly separated dynamic from "friendship."

 

Therefore, I purpose two more scenarios.

 

To get back to your case, you have a women who has repeatedly stated that she's only interested in friendship but yet continues to demand attention.

 

I mentioned possibility One above [the moderately plausible one] but people seemed to have ignored possibles two and three.

 

You have either a needy friend or one that thinks you're a really good friend.

 

She likes you, she thinks you're a great friend. She wants to spend a lot of time with you.

 

Why? If it's the former then she needs constant reinforcement and can't stand being alone or striking out for herself. We've all had these friends [both male and female] who call/email/IM constantly. They need to feel like they're part of a social network and feel ignored if they don't have constant attention. Definitely an issue that might make you take a second-look at your relationship with this but women still not a "women and men can't be friends" issue.

 

If this is the case you might want to set some boundaries depending on how much you enjoy the relationship. If you feel that you're not getting enough out of the friendship to put up with her neediness then you may want to look into putting some space between you both.

 

Latter option. She thinks of you as a close friend; she treasures her time with you and she misses you when you're not around. She knows of your attraction but she tries to ignore it because she values her relationship with you. You're a great pal, and though she doesn't feel a romantic attachment to you, she misses you when you're not around. She misses your world view, the jokes you make etc.

 

Anyway, here's my main point so I'll bold it.

 

In either cases you need to make a decision whether YOU can handle a friendship with a woman that you are romantically attracted to. Maybe you can get over it and enjoy the friendship and let your other romantic aspirations fall by the wayside.

 

On the other hand, maybe you'll decide that this friend is just way too needy for you and that you need to set some boundaries.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, I'll put my two cents into the "male-female relationship issue.

 

I have female friends that I'm not attracted to that I wouldn't give up for the world. I adore them, miss them when they're gone, treasure the time we have together but I have no inclination to get into their pants.

 

At the same time I have female friends that I that I think are damn hot. Now I wouldn't want a relationship with them because we just don't mesh in that sort of way but just like in the above situation I do enjoy spending time with them.

 

Of course, in the case of hot friends they do enter into the occasional fantasy [much like most average- to- hot women I've met, or have seen on the street, or in a magazine] but that's not why we're friends. We're friends because enjoy their company.

 

Hell, in the end, of course men and women are different. Most male/male friendships have a slightly different dynamic then female/female relationships. Likewise, most male/female relationships have their own unique dynamic. In the end though we're all still human. Maybe your friendship with John might have a different feel then your relationship with Janet but it's asinine to assume that you can't have a "friends-only" relatinonship with Janet just because she's got exciting female parts.

 

 

While the orientations are different, it would be like assuming straight guys can't have "just friends" relationships with gay guys and visa versa.

 

We all have the cultures we grow up in and we react based on the assumptions we've been given. The trick is figuring out whether or not our assumptions have any basis in fact or not.

[noclobber]

Thanks for the good words

 

I just have to say that I am completely exhausted and drained with this whole thing... Sometimes I wish I had never met her.

 

Its not so much of a problem of whether I have feelings or she has feelings... The main issue is what Mary3 has briefly outlined in her post:

 

It does seem very cruel for her though ( while she may or may not realize it ) to tell someone " You are just my friend " on one hand and then on the other tell you " I miss you so much. Please come over and be with me . Lets have dinner together " That FUC*S with the guys mind alot over a period of time.

 

This behavior of hers is the cause to all these problems and that's why I repeatedly keep asking the same question -> Is this girl's behavior normal for a friendship type relationship between a man and a woman?

 

Apart from the emails that I have posted, there was another time where it was exactly 1 day that we didn't meet.. That night she called up and said "I didn't hear from you for the past couple of days. So I just wanted to say hi and see how you are doing. Give me a call and also tomorrow night I am free so let me know whether we can hang out." I didn't know what to make out of it given the fact we had just met the previous day (that was also when she presented me with tickets to pearl jam concert).

 

Almost all the women on this forum have said that they woudn't go after a guy after rejecting him!! So that makes this situation very very odd.

 

Like how you have outlined there could be multiple possibilities:

 

1) She doesn't have even one bit of feelings for me

2) She has feelings but doesn't want to admit it or act on it

3) She is using me in the name of friendship

4) She is a very needy and insecure friend

5) She genuinely likes me and enjoys my company very much

 

For the life of me I can't find out the answer... and I don't think I will ever be able to!!!!!!!!!

 

Right now I am going with #3 and distancing myself from this woman!!!

[Walk]

I think it's 4 outta 5, and that's what makes it so hard to figure out.

[noclobber]

I think it's 4 outta 5, and that's what makes it so hard to figure out.

 

hahaha I wish it were, but I am not sure...

[Love Hurts]

We appreciate the break from each others PMS.

[Mary3]

Thanks for the good words

 

I just have to say that I am completely exhausted and drained with this whole thing... Sometimes I wish I had never met her.

 

Its not so much of a problem of whether I have feelings or she has feelings... The main issue is what Mary3 has briefly outlined in her post:

 

 

 

This behavior of hers is the cause to all these problems and that's why I repeatedly keep asking the same question -> Is this girl's behavior normal for a friendship type relationship between a man and a woman?[i]No I have determined its NOT normal UNLESS she has NO friends whatsoever and YOU are her ONLY friend and THIS would make sense ![/i]Apart from the emails that I have posted, there was another time where it was exactly 1 day that we didn't meet.. That night she called up and said "I didn't hear from you for the past couple of days. So I just wanted to say hi and see how you are doing. Give me a call and also tomorrow night I am free so let me know whether we can hang out." I didn't know what to make out of it given the fact we had just met the previous day (that was also when she presented me with tickets to pearl jam concert).

 

Almost all the women on this forum have said that they woudn't go after a guy after rejecting him!! So that makes this situation very very odd.

 

Like how you have outlined there could be multiple possibilities:

 

1) She doesn't have even one bit of feelings for me She likes you like a Pal2) She has feelings but doesn't want to admit it or act on it Nah not at this point3) She is using me in the name of friendship Yeah but don't we all use others sexually or in some degree in the name of a pretend relationship ? That was meant to be sarcastic ....4) She is a very needy and insecure friend Yup very....

5) CAUTION :She genuinely likes me and enjoys my company very much ~~~If you are not getting sex after this long its friendsZone...

For the life of me I can't find out the answer... and I don't think I will ever be able to!!!!!!!!!

 

Right now I am going with #3 and distancing myself from this woman!!!

 

I would distance yourself sooner so you can heal faster !

[Moai]

Think about the time demands that this woman is making. For a while there (until a great relationship synopsis by noclobber), many people felt that he was just freaking out and this poor girl was innocent and it was all in his head--among other things.

 

It wasn't, and while nopclobber got into this mess by himself, her unwillingness to let him go is horrible of her. HIs mistake does not excuse her behavior.

 

Think about the time demands she puts on him. Coffee everyday. Sitting next to each other on the train. Dinner, movies, etc. etc. etc. She may not want a romantic relationship with him (or at all), but she is doing a great job of making sure he never gets one. When is he going to find the time to develop one if he is always hanging out with her?

 

She has said that she won't date outside of her religion. If I understand correctly, she is living in India, where most people are Hindu, if I am not mistaken. So, given her situation a romantic relationship is virtually impossible for her right now. But she still wants male companionship and the "feeling" of a boyfriend, but none of the commitment or effort.

 

If you are giving boyfriend time and boyfriend energy but aren't get boyfriend benefits, you are getting played, period.

 

Also, if this woman were truly his friend, she wouldn't get angry at him or feel "betrayed" by his needing some time apart to sort things out for himself. She'd want what is best for him. She doesn't. I'd say she doesn't care about him at all. She is a soul-sucking harpy of the first order.

 

Can women and men be friends? Sure. Can they even be "best" friends with no sex? Possible but rare. Can this woman be "just friends"? No.

 

Now that I think of it, noclobber hasn't been in a "just friends" relationship because this woman is not his friend in the first place.

[Moai]

Sorry for the horribly written post. I am really hung over.

[Mary3]

Think about the time demands that this woman is making. For a while there (until a great relationship synopsis by noclobber), many people felt that he was just freaking out and this poor girl was innocent and it was all in his head--among other things.

 

It wasn't, and while nopclobber got into this mess by himself, her unwillingness to let him go is horrible of her. HIs mistake does not excuse her behavior.

 

Think about the time demands she puts on him. Coffee everyday. Sitting next to each other on the train. Dinner, movies, etc. etc. etc. She may not want a romantic relationship with him (or at all), but she is doing a great job of making sure he never gets one. When is he going to find the time to develop one if he is always hanging out with her?

 

She has said that she won't date outside of her religion. If I understand correctly, she is living in India, where most people are Hindu, if I am not mistaken. So, given her situation a romantic relationship is virtually impossible for her right now. But she still wants male companionship and the "feeling" of a boyfriend, but none of the commitment or effort.

 

If you are giving boyfriend time and boyfriend energy but aren't get boyfriend benefits, you are getting played, period.

Also, if this woman were truly his friend, she wouldn't get angry at him or feel "betrayed" by his needing some time apart to sort things out for himself. She'd want what is best for him. She doesn't. I'd say she doesn't care about him at all. She is a soul-sucking harpy of the first order.

 

Can women and men be friends? Sure. Can they even be "best" friends with no sex? Possible but rare. Can this woman be "just friends"? No.

 

Now that I think of it, noclobber hasn't been in a "just friends" relationship because this woman is not his friend in the first place.[/quote]

 

Great Reading !

[Love Hurts]

I bet your wife is attractive.

 

The more attractive she is.. the more difficult it is at times to make friends with females.....

 

Females often times can not get over the fact that she is so pretty.

They prefer to not keep company with her. Mind you not all.

She can have female friends. It is simply more difficult.

 

A test was done on a bus .... a pretty female was on a bus seat.

Room for anyone to sit next to her.

The only last seat available for anyone on the bus to sit.

 

Ok camera rolling passengers board the bus.

Passenger looks over the bus.. and chooses to stand.

Ten people boarded the bus.

Five females and Five males.

No one took the seat next to the attractive female.

 

Beauty is a blessing and can be a curse.

My mother is a beautiful blond by nature.

A stipulation offered to her while at a job interview years

ago... the employer suggested she play down her blond hair.

Stating the other females would get jealous of her and give her a

hard time.

My mother never having used color .. still has blond hair today

and still never uses color.

She told him. I will not. You hire me on my ability not my looks.

 

Stigma of beauty.

Females often hit it off easier with men....

She grows accustomed to trusting them.

Knowing she can communicate with them on a deeper level.

Pour her heart out with out riddicule.

Recieve honest respectfull advice.

 

Is your wife attractive?

[Mary3]

I bet your wife is attractive.

 

The more attractive she is.. the more difficult it is at times to make friends with females.....

 

Females often times can not get over the fact that she is so pretty.

They prefer to not keep company with her. Mind you not all.

She can have female friends. It is simply more difficult.

 

A test was done on a bus .... a pretty female was on a bus seat.

Room for anyone to sit next to her.

The only last seat available for anyone on the bus to sit.

 

Ok camera rolling passengers board the bus.

Passenger looks over the bus.. and chooses to stand.

Ten people boarded the bus.

Five females and Five males.

No one took the seat next to the attractive female.

 

Beauty is a blessing and can be a curse.

My mother is a beautiful blond by nature.

A stipulation offered to her while at a job interview years

ago... the employer suggested she play down her blond hair.

Stating the other females would get jealous of her and give her a

hard time.

My mother never having used color .. still has blond hair today

and still never uses color.

She told him. I will not. You hire me on my ability not my looks.

 

Stigma of beauty.

Females often hit it off easier with men....

She grows accustomed to trusting them.

Knowing she can communicate with them on a deeper level.

Pour her heart out with out riddicule.

Recieve honest respectfull advice.

 

Is your wife attractive?

I believe NoClobber is not married .

[noclobber]

She has said that she won't date outside of her religion. If I understand correctly, she is living in India, where most people are Hindu, if I am not mistaken.

 

She is an American (Jewish) and lives in San Francisco. I am from India and a Hindu.

 

If you are giving boyfriend time and boyfriend energy but aren't get boyfriend benefits, you are getting played, period.

 

Precisely said!!!

[Love Hurts]

I believe NoClobber is not married .

 

My bust, I'm feeling human today.....

..... same differance.... This can still apply to the bf/gf relationship...

On into husband/wife relationship. Hope it helps.

 

Thank you Mary.. I stand corrected.

[Mary3]

My bust, I'm feeling human today.....

..... same differance.... This can still apply to the bf/gf relationship...

On into husband/wife relationship. Hope it helps.

 

Thank you Mary.. I stand corrected.

No Prob