Author ZA Dater Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 7 hours ago, Not So Sad II said: Theres nothing wrong with being selective. Its better than having the morals of a sewer rat. But when you're young, you have sort of temporary experiences where you both know that its not likely to be permanent. Didn't you have those sort of experiences in your twenties? And a lot of women have a radar that picks up on red flags, honed from experience they and their friends have of being burned by player type guys. For me, those red flags include a history of online dating, talking too much and too much posting on social media. A lot of women just aren't doing online dating any more, it seems more and more to attract a certain kind of person and I often wonder if it damages peoples' perceptions of relationships. So I rule out any man with a history of online dating. Although actually in my city, men seem to prefer the plain Jane, homemaker types and then try to flirt with the more conventionally attractive women. One of my friends actually got dumped for..."not being plain enough"! The other thing is, you come across as so intense and having no sense of humour or perspective, and frankly a bit scary. I agree with a previous poster that CBT would be a good idea because your thinking is all off. Its so negative. I would struggle to spend 15 minutes in the company of someone so unrelentingly negative who talks so much about dating. Men get rejected all the time (women get rejected plenty of times too) but like any rejection in life, you have to learn to shrug it off and try again. No I did not. Honestly every single player type guy has far greater success than I do so that is pretty telling of an acceptance and approval of that way of doing things, the only time I have ever heard anyone speak negatively about it was a conversation I had with A where she voiced her disdain for it. Most of the others seem quite ok with it, they get showered in validation so why would they not be ok with it. I am quite intense, I do however have a better perspective than most, having interacted with a lot of people from various walks of life. Sure, how many never find any success....I have also worked quite hard to be less intense and more "fun".
Author ZA Dater Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 28 minutes ago, Prudence V said: I know loads of people who are not outgoing, many of whom don’t drink at all (others drink a small amount, socially - but it’s not imperative to having a good time) who have no problem finding dates or longer-term partners, *in OP’s city*. I strongly suspect OP is neurodivergent - and there is a strong, supportive neurodivergent community there too, most of whom would fit the values and interests OP describes. And, guess what - mostly they’re not overweight, not single parents, not “unattractive”. They’re out there, having fun, enjoying life in one of the best cities in the world for people who have material resources. But, they’re not models. So OP wouldn’t be interested. They are mostly ordinary people who work in ordinary jobs, who are not impressed by flashy lifestyles or shallow values. They’re passionate about their work, their friends, their hobbies, and they’re not all over social media showing off their lifestyle or their latest arm candy. They’re the sort of people OP could really feel at home among, a “tribe”, but because they don’t earn a living using their looks to market products, OP wouldn’t want to. OP prefers to hang about on the fringes of a group of superficial glitz *while decrying superficiality* in case - horror of horrors - he encounters someone overweight. On one you hand its great for material resources and on the other you decry material so called glitz.....the two go together like avocado and toast. One invariably follows the other...I take social media with a ton of salt to be honest and no good looks on their own are not enough to impress me. I do not believer anyone on this earth should ever refer to themselves as ordinary because such a term does not exists purely because ever single person is different in some way or other. I could not care if the person is a model or not, I am just saying that my experiences have been better with modes.
Author ZA Dater Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 16 minutes ago, divegrl said: Do you end up being her friend? No of course not, that was never going to happen because as usual its a case of say what sounds good to say rather than say what is actually the truth. One date I had someone categorically told me I was too inexperienced and I need to go find experience with people like me, which on the face of it was an insult but I appreciated the honesty and as such respected the person a great deal more than someone who pretends to be my friend.
elaine567 Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 7 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: No of course not, that was never going to happen because as usual its a case of say what sounds good to say rather than say what is actually the truth. One date I had someone categorically told me I was too inexperienced and I need to go find experience with people like me, which on the face of it was an insult but I appreciated the honesty and as such respected the person a great deal more than someone who pretends to be my friend. And what have you actually done about it since then? Absolutely nothing. Her excellent advice fell on stony ground...
Author ZA Dater Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: And what have you actually done about it since then? Absolutely nothing. Her excellent advice fell on stony ground... Its BS advice because, I cannot date 18yo's, most of whom also probably have more experience than me! Its more text book advice without any real world application.
elaine567 Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 Plenty older inexperienced women... they don't need to be 18 yo's... You have not progressed one iota as regards "experience" since she made that comment...
basil67 Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 3 hours ago, ZA Dater said: I do not believer anyone on this earth should ever refer to themselves as ordinary because such a term does not exists purely because ever single person is different in some way or other. ZA, we humans are basically a bunch of cats. The occasional prize winner among those who value that kind of thing, but the rest being completely ordinary....with the only differences being size, colour and temperament.
Author ZA Dater Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 22 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Plenty older inexperienced women... they don't need to be 18 yo's... You have not progressed one iota as regards "experience" since she made that comment... I have wonder why they are inexperienced, I'll pass. Older also does not interest me either.
Author ZA Dater Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 13 minutes ago, basil67 said: ZA, we humans are basically a bunch of cats. The occasional prize winner among those who value that kind of thing, but the rest being completely ordinary....with the only differences being size, colour and temperament. Do not really agree, one thing dating has been good for is meeting a wide variety of people, me not finding them attractive does not make them bad people and often I actually feel a lot of sympathy, particularly when its someone who is simply trying too hard in how they come across. I had one beg me to take her to lunch for weeks, I just do not find her attractive and I know it would have been another situation where I would have to reject and I do not really like doing that. Being rejected is one thing but doing the rejecting is not very pleasant, to me at least.
basil67 Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 2 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: I have wonder why they are inexperienced, I'll pass. You don't have to wonder why - they are inexperienced for exactly the same reason as you. Don't fit in, unusual social skills, have little interest in 'regular' activities. 2
basil67 Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 1 minute ago, ZA Dater said: Do not really agree, one thing dating has been good for is meeting a wide variety of people, me not finding them attractive does not make them bad people and often I actually feel a lot of sympathy, particularly when its someone who is simply trying too hard in how they come across. I had one beg me to take her to lunch for weeks, I just do not find her attractive and I know it would have been another situation where I would have to reject and I do not really like doing that. Being rejected is one thing but doing the rejecting is not very pleasant, to me at least. Did you mean to reply to someone else? This has no relevance to most humans (or cats) being ordinary
elaine567 Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 5 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: Older also does not interest me either. You are "older". 2
Author ZA Dater Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 10 minutes ago, elaine567 said: You are "older". Yeah 30 to 36 is perfectly fine for me.
Author ZA Dater Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 14 minutes ago, basil67 said: You don't have to wonder why - they are inexperienced for exactly the same reason as you. Don't fit in, unusual social skills, have little interest in 'regular' activities. Sadly I suspect in many cases it could also be attributed to the superficial.
basil67 Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 7 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: Sadly I suspect in many cases it could also be attributed to the superficial. The same could also be applicable to you. Either way, this is the pot calling the kettle black. 4
Author ZA Dater Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 1 minute ago, basil67 said: The same could also be applicable to you. Either way, this is the pot calling the kettle black. Perhaps I however actually do keep pretty fit. The idea of someone older has zero appeal and again if that is the only option then well I consider that to be no option at all. I did once get chatting with a older single mother but she had no issues rejecting me out of hand when it became apparent I had no experience, quite how she thought she was going to attract a fit younger guy I have no idea. Again the cold comfort for me is having nothing I can have nothing I want. This past weekend was a good case in point, partly due to COVID and partly due to lack of interest I seldom go out without a purpose but I decided to go the a market, being a place people go and buy usually buy fresh food which they eat at the market, its a pretty trendy place by most accounts and I have been there on my own many times and with A a few times, so I walk around, buy a few things sit down and watch the world go buy, this is not as bad as it sounds because I get to see the couples, the guys using the market as a pick up place and generally see if I get looked at, of course not. Its interesting to see interaction when someone is actually interested in someone else. I can get that too, the difference is its fake and I need to pay for it.
basil67 Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 You might be fit, but nobody looked at you at the market. Hence, superficial reasons for your inexperience. Pot Kettle Black. 2
Author ZA Dater Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 3 minutes ago, basil67 said: You might be fit, but nobody looked at you at the market. Hence, superficial reasons for your inexperience. Pot Kettle Black. Yeah but miss 48 and no experience lets face it this is far rarer than the equivalent guy because lets also face it men are probably more desperate for sexual validation so some, well I know some of these guys will go after anyone for a hook up. Nobody ever looks at me so I just accept that as being normal.
Weezy1973 Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 5 hours ago, ZA Dater said: Wow...one in 20 years. Fantastic ROI that. Sorry I am being sarcastic. Really? You’ve only been on 1 date? Pretty sure every woman you’ve been on a first date with is giving you a chance. Even the ones where you felt like you were giving them a chance.
Weezy1973 Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 4 hours ago, ZA Dater said: .Honestly every single player type guy has far greater success than I do so that is pretty telling of an acceptance and approval of that way of doing things, The vast majority of “non player” relationship oriented guys also have far greater success than you. 2 1
Weezy1973 Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 5 hours ago, elaine567 said: I agree it is a skill that can be learned if one wants to. I don’t think being extroverted if one is an introvert can really be learned. That being said, shyness isn’t a product of introversion, it’s a product of fear of rejection which can be overcome, and because it’s so ingrained in @ZA Dater would probably take therapy. He often lists a quality in women he likes as them being able to bring him out of his shell. He should be striving to be himself all the time. Regardless of what any particular woman is like. That’s how you find someone compatible. 2
Author ZA Dater Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 10 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: The vast majority of “non player” relationship oriented guys also have far greater success than you. Oddly enough I do not know many of those but I know plenty of guys who get more attention than what they know what to do with.
Author ZA Dater Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 6 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: I don’t think being extroverted if one is an introvert can really be learned. That being said, shyness isn’t a product of introversion, it’s a product of fear of rejection which can be overcome, and because it’s so ingrained in @ZA Dater would probably take therapy. He often lists a quality in women he likes as them being able to bring him out of his shell. He should be striving to be himself all the time. Regardless of what any particular woman is like. That’s how you find someone compatible. Who says I am shy? Because I do not find it very interesting to talk about who is doing who, who had who last week, who is breaking up with who, who is trying to charm who, actually I can be quite outgoing when there is actually something to talk about that actually has some relevance to me. Sure, I am not going to try chat to some stranger, frankly I cant be bothered unless its very apparent she does not have a bf and has some interest but I'd wager you do not go and talk to strangers either. Fear of rejection, yes there is a very easy solution for that, some success, sitting in some room chatting to someone who cannot relate to me who goes home to their wife/husband of 20 years CANNOT relate to me. I suppose you think getting no validation is sorted by therapy too?
elaine567 Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 1 hour ago, ZA Dater said: Who says I am shy? You do. On 5/20/2021 at 3:02 PM, ZA Dater said: I am simply shy 3
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