ZA Dater Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 After much encouragement and help from users here, against my better judgement I went on this date. Perhaps the one attractive match I had from Tinder in 5 odd years. Things looked good, she does not drink, she is into healthy living, is a life coach, models. We did not chat a lot before meeting up which I think helped and the location was great , small cafe near the ocean. My objective here was to try and do better bearing in mind the encouragement I received but I was also cautious because well I know these never end up with great outcomes. The date itself went well, for once I was complimented, asked questions and we chatted well. The downside is I realised I was never going to measure up to what she actually wanted, this is typical though so I took it on the chin. We got along well and the conversation went well, we have a few things in common, some beliefs in common and I did find her attractive which for me is rather rare. And so it was with a text this morning "I have come out of a relationship and not looking for anything and it was good meeting you and if you are OK with friends we could be friends". For me this basically just means there were not attraction, nobody goes onto Tinder to find friends, they go to find partners so this is just a nice way of rejecting me. Do I once again go down the useless friend road or do I just walk away? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 1 minute ago, ZA Dater said: And so it was with a text this morning "I have come out of a relationship and not looking for anything and it was good meeting you and if you are OK with friends we could be friends". For me this basically just means there were not attraction, nobody goes onto Tinder to find friends, they go to find partners so this is just a nice way of rejecting me. Do I once again go down the useless friend road or do I just walk away? You walk away, I very much doubt she will have time for or want to be real friends. Trouble is she is a life coach, so she may want to keep you around in case you can introduce her to some new clients. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 8 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: she does not drink, she is into healthy living, is a life coach, models. Well one-and-done is more common than not, but you don't have to go the friendzone route, either. Did you order decaf or a healthfood type drink? Maybe that was some sort of test of hers, to see if you ordered soy or something like that rather than just coffee? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 10 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: Do I once again go down the useless friend road or do I just walk away? I agree with Elaine. Walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted May 9, 2021 Author Share Posted May 9, 2021 Well she is quite attractive but I am weary of the friend zone because where does it really get me? Nowhere really as far as I can see. Its hard to see how some sort of contrived friendship would work? I might be stupid but why not tell me she wanted friends before she met me? It seems a bit of a way out to tell me this after she meets me. Unless I play this a different way and see if she really wants the friendship or not and put that to the test. Some experience here would possibly appeal to me but friendship would definitely rule that out I would guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Sun Seeker Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 100% walk away. Next. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 1 minute ago, ZA Dater said: I might be stupid but why not tell me she wanted friends before she met me? Had she seen you as dateable or "sleepable with", she would not have needed to say anything about being friends... Don't make a fool of yourself by trying to be friends with her. She didn't really mean you to take her at her word, it was just a nice way of rejecting you. But say she was serious, if she is just out of a relationship, she will be used to attention, so she will lap up all the nice chats and the wining and dining and you spending money on her, but she will not be giving you anything in return, because out will come the "I am not looking for anything, we are just friends." excuse. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted May 9, 2021 Author Share Posted May 9, 2021 Just now, elaine567 said: Had she seen you as dateable or "sleepable with", she would not have needed to say anything about being friends... Don't make a fool of yourself by trying to be friends with her. She didn't really mean you to take her at her word, it was just a nice way of rejecting you. But say she was serious, if she is just out of a relationship, she will be used to attention, so she will lap up all the nice chats and the wining and dining and you spending money on her, but she will not be giving you anything in return, because out will come the "I am not looking for anything, we are just friends." excuse. Must be honest I had not thought of it that way, thanks for a different perspective. She seems to have quite a few guys friend, she spent last week hanging out with one, did not communicate with me at all, I took what I learnt here and just left it. She then texted me asking if I wanted to meet up, I was not overly keen but thought after some encouragement here, why not. I had matched with her before ages ago and nothing came of it, look she is better lifestyle wise than MOST people I have been on dates with but again model means tons of potential choice which made me wonder why she wanted to meet me in the first place. What you mention above is a very bad weakness of mine, which I have fallen into before many times and yes I get nothing out of it at all. I actually had an argument with a friend about this, he tells me to be friends with all of the but the reality is they do not WANT to actually be friends and there is no upside for me at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 37 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: And so it was with a text this morning "I have come out of a relationship and not looking for anything and it was good meeting you and if you are OK with friends we could be friends" What a silly line. She's on an online dating website, she's obviously looking for "something." 🤦♀️ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 4 minutes ago, Alpaca said: What a silly line. She's on an online dating website, she's obviously looking for "something." 🤦♀️ Yes, but she didn't find it, hence the "friends" line. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted May 9, 2021 Author Share Posted May 9, 2021 "just not looking or ready for anything more" sorry but I call a certain degree of nonsense on this statement. Part of me wants to engage on this but its frankly totally pointless, my life goes on, sure its disappointing but I knew this was going to happen because it always happens so I am largely indifferent. Elaine is right though, I have bought into this friends nonsense too many times with too many nothing stories to go with it. I needed that different perspective and I think its because I have just realised that these sorts of friendships are just throw away and one way use relationships actually. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 10 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: What you mention above is a very bad weakness of mine, which I have fallen into before many times and yes I get nothing out of it at all. I actually had an argument with a friend about this, he tells me to be friends with all of the but the reality is they do not WANT to actually be friends and there is no upside for me at all There is a big difference in friends. Some friends are genuine, they are born out of hobbies or work or school or university there is history and sometimes a crush. With time that can develop into closeness and attraction and finally into dating or sleeping together. This rejection friend is not really the same. The idea that the person is not dating material is recent and fresh, so unlikely for any to change their minds. Being friends as a sort of consolation prize is a waste of time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted May 9, 2021 Author Share Posted May 9, 2021 6 minutes ago, elaine567 said: There is a big difference in friends. Some friends are genuine, they are born out of hobbies or work or school or university there is history and sometimes a crush. With time that can develop into closeness and attraction and finally into dating or sleeping together. This rejection friend is not really the same. The idea that the person is not dating material is recent and fresh, so unlikely for any to change their minds. Being friends as a sort of consolation prize is a waste of time. Do you think its just easier as a sort of "well its better to say friends and not outright reject" because ALL of the time there is seldom much contact afterwards and if there is, well as you say its one way traffic of me lavishing attention on them for, well whatever attention I can get back, not sure this is very healthy for me actually. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 1 minute ago, ZA Dater said: as you say its one way traffic of me lavishing attention on them for, well whatever attention I can get back, not sure this is very healthy for me actually Of course it is not healthy. This recent debacle with the IG widow did you no favours whatsoever. She hoovered up what she could get and left you bereft and upset. You may try to spin it, but she used you and unceremoniously dumped you when you were no good to her any longer... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 Of course you don't actually try to be friends with this woman. That would be ridiculous. She doesn't actually want to be friends with you. The lame excuse that she gave you is just code for "I'm not interested". You're supposed to take the cue and just walk away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted May 9, 2021 Author Share Posted May 9, 2021 10 minutes ago, elaine567 said: You may try to spin it, but she used you and unceremoniously dumped you when you were no good to her any longer... Sad but true. I did at least get some benefit from that experience. I just think you are right I need to try avoid these friendship traps especially when to there is no real possibility of any real friendship at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted May 9, 2021 Author Share Posted May 9, 2021 2 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: Of course you don't actually try to be friends with this woman. That would be ridiculous. She doesn't actually want to be friends with you. The lame excuse that she gave you is just code for "I'm not interested". You're supposed to take the cue and just walk away. I'll be a bit cheeky and say well why not just tell me that and be honest. I have been rejected my entire dating career so this is nothing new really. 😉 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 4 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: I'll be a bit cheeky and say well why not just tell me that and be honest. Don't say anything. Dignity. She'll just laugh at you with her friends... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted May 9, 2021 Author Share Posted May 9, 2021 6 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Don't say anything. Dignity. She'll just laugh at you with her friends... I will just ex communicate her and leave it at that. Just add this to the list of flops. She will find a guy easily why on earth she matched with me I have no idea at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 10 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: I will just ex communicate her and leave it at that. Just add this to the list of flops. She will find a guy easily why on earth she matched with me I have no idea at all. Ugh. It’s just a date from OLD. Don’t analyze it too much. She swiped right because you were a “maybe” just like everybody is on OLD. And just like most first “meets” - it was a one and done. Nothing to see here. Next. It’s a numbers game. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
norealusername Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 It's definitely a polite rejection. She probably doesn't actually want to be friends ....but if she does, don't do it. You'll never get anywhere beyond friends. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 It is code for she is not interested. The “code” back is. “Sure, found you interesting too. Life is pretty busy at the moment but let me know the next time your free and maybe we could grab another coffee.” no need to burn bridges, doubtful she’ll change her mind but also leave the ball in her court in case she does 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 Walk away. It was a date... she didn't find you to her liking. I have several female friends... and NONE of them started with a date. (Expectations of something more) I would say it's really hard or even impossible to do. A female friend starts as a co-worker, class mate, or friend-of-a-friend. (With the expectations of being a friend from the start) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 5 hours ago, ZA Dater said: Well she is quite attractive but I am weary of the friend zone because where does it really get me? Nowhere really as far as I can see. Its hard to see how some sort of contrived friendship would work? I might be stupid but why not tell me she wanted friends before she met me? It seems a bit of a way out to tell me this after she meets me. Unless I play this a different way and see if she really wants the friendship or not and put that to the test. Some experience here would possibly appeal to me but friendship would definitely rule that out I would guess. Don’t know her.... some truely talk of being friends first before getting serious if they just got out of a LTR. in talking to her did you find differences? If she’s a model you might not be attractive enough for her. Given her other stuff with healthy living, no alcohol, likes to be very positive— if she sees you as contradictory or negative influence she might not be interested in you. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 You got a date with a model, a life coach at that. That is quite something! Life coaches, in general but with some exceptions, need to be pretty skilled socially. If she wanted to spend time with you, then you are obviously doing something right. Don't underestimate your attractiveness or social skills. For whatever reason, she didn't feel you were a good match for a relationship. It happens. I think at this point, being cool with it, saying you enjoyed meeting her and maybe you'll meet again one day, would be fine. I would not contact her after that but if she keeps in touch with you, you could respond in a friendly but busy way. Let her feel she missed a great guy here! It seems you are aiming for the few women who will be on a lot of men's 'most desirable' list. That is some fierce competition! If you are attractive to these women, then it is probably just a matter of time before you meet someone you really click with. I know how frustrating 'time' can be though. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts