Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 16, 2021 Author Posted July 16, 2021 Just now, Scotgirl84 said: Thanks I will read your posts and appreciate your support as from others too. I am better than this. I’m going to focus on selling my house and separating fully with my husband for good and loving myself getting back to my old fun self reconnecting with friends and not focussing on him anymore putting myself first. I will never beg a man to be with me. Need time to be single and when I’ve fully healed and ready I’ll date cos I’ve never ever dated and then I’ll not feel I need to attach myself to the wrong guy! Because I’ve done this before with him he will think that I’m not serious and I’ll go running back as I have done before but I’m not this time I’ve woken up!! Realised I’m worth much more. I am angry too cos I’ve been such a rock for him and loved him far too much to deserve to be treated like a back up plan 2 1
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 16, 2021 Author Posted July 16, 2021 Just now, Scotgirl84 said: Because I’ve done this before with him he will think that I’m not serious and I’ll go running back as I have done before but I’m not this time I’ve woken up!! Realised I’m worth much more. I am angry too cos I’ve been such a rock for him and loved him far too much to deserve to be treated like a back up plan I’m going to work tomorrow full of fun head held hi I’ll be polite to him and say good morning and not let me guard down and show him that he won’t break me! Getting my old me back. Then I’m going out dressed up for a few drinks with a good work friend who’s supportive and thinks I’ve done right thing
mimic2021 Posted July 16, 2021 Posted July 16, 2021 5 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: I’m going to work tomorrow full of fun head held hi I’ll be polite to him and say good morning and not let me guard down and show him that he won’t break me! Getting my old me back. Then I’m going out dressed up for a few drinks with a good work friend who’s supportive and thinks I’ve done right thing Have you thought about searching for a new job?
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 16, 2021 Author Posted July 16, 2021 10 minutes ago, mimic2021 said: Have you thought about searching for a new job? No got a promotion and really love my job. I can limit seeing him there though I can avoid him as much as I can we work in different offices
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 16, 2021 Author Posted July 16, 2021 33 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: No got a promotion and really love my job. I can limit seeing him there though I can avoid him as much as I can we work in different offices You know I started this thread heartbroken cos I ended it and was desperate for him to run back but now I see in a different light. I don’t care I just hope he’s miserable know it’s being bitter but ha ha
Snakesalive Posted July 17, 2021 Posted July 17, 2021 18 hours ago, mimic2021 said: s ok to be sad and and to feel broken now because of what happened. It seems like you’re trying to shrug it off - but that won’t work. Feel every feelin This is so true . @Scotgirl84proud if you for having the strength to walk away . @mimic2021is spot on with everything. Keep distracted , you’ll feel so many emotions and that’s fine and natural some good days some not . The important thing is you know how he really feels -he probably does love you -in his own way -but he’s not willing /able to commit to you and the development of a real relationship with you . He’s had enough time to figure this out -his hesitancy tells you everything about the present and what you could expect from a future -with him -who wants the constant feeling of uncertainty that comes from a conflict avoidant person who can’t/doesn’t want to make a decision? . 1
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 18, 2021 Author Posted July 18, 2021 On 7/17/2021 at 3:45 PM, Snakesalive said: This is so true . @Scotgirl84proud if you for having the strength to walk away . @mimic2021is spot on with everything. Keep distracted , you’ll feel so many emotions and that’s fine and natural some good days some not . The important thing is you know how he really feels -he probably does love you -in his own way -but he’s not willing /able to commit to you and the development of a real relationship with you . He’s had enough time to figure this out -his hesitancy tells you everything about the present and what you could expect from a future -with him -who wants the constant feeling of uncertainty that comes from a conflict avoidant person who can’t/doesn’t want to make a decision? . I’ve had a bit of a breakdown this weekend still not contacted him though and not heard a thing from him. I’ve phoned my work and I’m going off sick for a few weeks to focus on my kids myself and selling this house 4
torn_heart Posted July 18, 2021 Posted July 18, 2021 3 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: I’ve had a bit of a breakdown this weekend still not contacted him though and not heard a thing from him. I’ve phoned my work and I’m going off sick for a few weeks to focus on my kids myself and selling this house Thats a good move! Wish you the best! 1
BaileyB Posted July 18, 2021 Posted July 18, 2021 3 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: I’ve had a bit of a breakdown this weekend still not contacted him though and not heard a thing from him. I’ve phoned my work and I’m going off sick for a few weeks to focus on my kids myself and selling this house Just wishing you well Scot. Take care of yourself and your children. 1
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 19, 2021 Author Posted July 19, 2021 20 hours ago, BaileyB said: Just wishing you well Scot. Take care of yourself and your children. Day 4 still no heard from him and I’ve not contacted him it’s so hard but I’m doing this 1
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 19, 2021 Author Posted July 19, 2021 Just now, Scotgirl84 said: Day 4 still no heard from him and I’ve not contacted him it’s so hard but I’m doing this His silence has made me more hurt and angry
BaileyB Posted July 19, 2021 Posted July 19, 2021 11 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: His silence has made me more hurt and angry. Is he not just respecting your wishes? You ended the relationship, what is there for him to say? He is respecting your decision to end the relationship and go no contact. the fact that you are hurt and angry by his lack of contact makes me think that you are not done, still playing games and hoping that he will come back… 4
torn_heart Posted July 19, 2021 Posted July 19, 2021 7 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Is he not just respecting your wishes? You ended the relationship, what is there for him to say? He is respecting your decision to end the relationship and go no contact. the fact that you are hurt and angry by his lack of contact makes me think that you are not done, still playing games and hoping that he will come back… Well, most people that enter NC they do it to get better but there's always the hope that the ex will come back, specially when there's something they can change and make things "better" or promising a change in their behavior. There are other people (toxic) that weaponize the break-ups. 1
BaileyB Posted July 19, 2021 Posted July 19, 2021 42 minutes ago, torn_heart said: Well, most people that enter NC they do it to get better but there's always the hope that the ex will come back I understand, but seriously… one can’t end a relationship and then feel hurt and angry when the individual doesn’t communicate anymore. The relationship has ended, he has taken OP at her word and it’s actually a good thing that he has not contact her. He could continue to offer false promises and it would be very difficult for her not to be drawn back into the affair. He, at least, has the decency not to do so. 2
torn_heart Posted July 19, 2021 Posted July 19, 2021 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: I understand, but seriously… one can’t end a relationship and then feel hurt and angry when the individual doesn’t communicate anymore. The relationship has ended, he has taken OP at her word and it’s actually a good thing that he has not contact her. He could continue to offer false promises and it would be very difficult for her not to be drawn back into the affair. He, at least, has the decency not to do so. The hope they have is that they change whatever made them break up, obviously, and you know better than me, in these cases 99.9% of the time doesn't happen.
Bittersweetie Posted July 19, 2021 Posted July 19, 2021 In the aftermath of my d-day, I left xMM a voicemail asking him to never contact me again. I can still hear the raw pain in my voice during that message. He never did contact me and for a while I wondered if he was respecting my wishes or if he didn't actually give a crap about me. The fact is, why he did it doesn't really matter. What mattered was me going NC and growing stronger and addressing my own issues. I am so thankful he never reached out because it allowed me to focus on myself and my own healing. The reasoning behind it no longer matters. You have made it 4 days. Great! Just take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Think of it in small increments rather than forever. You can do one day, right? Yes, you can. You are a strong woman and I believe in you. 4 3
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 20, 2021 Author Posted July 20, 2021 10 hours ago, Bittersweetie said: In the aftermath of my d-day, I left xMM a voicemail asking him to never contact me again. I can still hear the raw pain in my voice during that message. He never did contact me and for a while I wondered if he was respecting my wishes or if he didn't actually give a crap about me. The fact is, why he did it doesn't really matter. What mattered was me going NC and growing stronger and addressing my own issues. I am so thankful he never reached out because it allowed me to focus on myself and my own healing. The reasoning behind it no longer matters. You have made it 4 days. Great! Just take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Think of it in small increments rather than forever. You can do one day, right? Yes, you can. You are a strong woman and I believe in you. Thanks I thought the same surely if he loved me he would check im ok? But just to completely go silent makes me think he never cared as much as he said. But I’m not reaching out I am staying strong I have good and bad days but I’ll get through it
ExpatInItaly Posted July 20, 2021 Posted July 20, 2021 (edited) 21 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: But just to completely go silent makes me think he never cared as much as he said He doesnt. This is what we have been trying to help you see for the last 34 pages, Scotgirl. He's respecting your wish to end this, but also, he doesn't feel the same level of hurt and anger you do. He still has his wife, his marriage, his life is intact..he's going to be fine. He held all the cards throughout the duration of this, so he isn't emotionally spiraling like you. He isn't the one sitting and hoping something will change.He could have made that happen, if he really wanted. But he doesn't really want that. You have to understand this. It's his wife he wants to hang to, not you. So he will let you go ( as he is now) when push comes to shove. He made his choice and it isn't you. You need to sit with that hurt and anger, and let yourself feel it. Use it to fuel yourself from continuing to drive head-first into a dead-end. You are prolonging your own misery. Edited July 20, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 4 1
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 20, 2021 Author Posted July 20, 2021 36 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: He doesnt. This is what we have been trying to help you see for the last 34 pages, Scotgirl. He's respecting your wish to end this, but also, he doesn't feel the same level of hurt and anger you do. He still has his wife, his marriage, his life is intact..he's going to be fine. He held all the cards throughout the duration of this, so he isn't emotionally spiraling like you. He isn't the one sitting and hoping something will change.He could have made that happen, if he really wanted. But he doesn't really want that. You have to understand this. It's his wife he wants to hang to, not you. So he will let you go ( as he is now) when push comes to shove. He made his choice and it isn't you. You need to sit with that hurt and anger, and let yourself feel it. Use it to fuel yourself from continuing to drive head-first into a dead-end. You are prolonging your own misery. I know I’ve been blinded by love thought I was special to him. You are right I’m worth we’ll more than this. It’s his loss if his life is as miserable as he says!
ExpatInItaly Posted July 20, 2021 Posted July 20, 2021 1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said: I know I’ve been blinded by love thought I was special to him. You are right I’m worth we’ll more than this. It’s his loss if his life is as miserable as he says! You’re still not really getting it. His life isn’t as miserable as he says. 4 1
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 20, 2021 Author Posted July 20, 2021 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: You’re still not really getting it. His life isn’t as miserable as he says. It is. But he’s choosing to live it cos he’s conflict avoidant and said he’s got a misplaced loyalty to stay 1
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 20, 2021 Author Posted July 20, 2021 1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said: It is. But he’s choosing to live it cos he’s conflict avoidant and said he’s got a misplaced loyalty to stay And now he has had a taste of what a relationship should be like he will be even more fed up in it
ExpatInItaly Posted July 20, 2021 Posted July 20, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: And now he has had a taste of what a relationship should be like he will be even more fed up in it Your affair isn’t what a relationship “should” be like, though. In other words, you have no idea how you two would function in a real relationship. You only know how you function in an affair. There’s a reason most affairs don’t survive the transition to a relationship. But anyway, that is irrelevant for you because he doesn’t want a relationship with you. That is the bottom line. He wants his “miserable” life and the reasons are not important. He’s still choosing her and not you. And you’re still playing games hoping it will make him choose you. You have no reason to be angry at him anymore. You should be angry with yourself for continuing to choose this. Edited July 20, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 8 1
Snakesalive Posted July 20, 2021 Posted July 20, 2021 20 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: And now he has had a taste of what a relationship should be like he will be even more fed up in it Respectfully I think you want this to be true . The reality is people in affairs see their own situation differently-their lives seem miserable because they’re experiencing the highs and euphoria an affair gives us -real life can’t compete with that . Believe me from experience my issues with my husband seemed insurmountable , I put my ap on a pedestal he didn’t deserve my husband could never match up . It’s only realise I was not good enough for myself or my husband or my kids -I let them us all down badly with the way I behaved . I’m grateful for another opportunity and learning -you will too 1
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 20, 2021 Author Posted July 20, 2021 1 hour ago, Snakesalive said: Respectfully I think you want this to be true . The reality is people in affairs see their own situation differently-their lives seem miserable because they’re experiencing the highs and euphoria an affair gives us -real life can’t compete with that . Believe me from experience my issues with my husband seemed insurmountable , I put my ap on a pedestal he didn’t deserve my husband could never match up . It’s only realise I was not good enough for myself or my husband or my kids -I let them us all down badly with the way I behaved . I’m grateful for another opportunity and learning -you will too Yeah but it’s over with my husband was a long time before om came along.
Recommended Posts